Cheeky Jump Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge
Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump.
I said, "Don't jump."
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! What denomination?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference, or Northern Conservative Baptist, Eastern Conference?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him off.
--Emo Philips
A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...
He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."
Let's hear some Confucius Jokes
I'll start
Confucius says woman that keeps soap on top shelf will jump for joy.
A girl was about to jump off a cliff...
A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have s**... with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."
Little Johnny catches his mom and dad...
Mom and dad are having s**... when little Johnny walks in. Quickly, dad tells him to leave. When mom and dad come out of the room, they explain to Johnny that sometimes daddy's get a big tummy and mommy's have to jump on it so it will deflate. Then Johnny replies, "But why does mommy have to deflate it when Ms. Jane next door just comes over every day to blow it back up?"
The Super Bowl
Surprised to see an empty seat at the Super Bowl, a diehard fan remarked about it to a woman sitting nearby.
"It was my husband's," the woman explained, "but he died."
"I'm very sorry," said the man. "Yet I'm really surprised that another relative, or friend, didnt jump at the chance to take the seat reserved for him."
"Beats me," she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."
the three legged pig joke reminded me of a joke my dad once told me
a scientist was doing an experiment on a frog in his lab, he placed the frog down on the floor and said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped 4 feet and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 4 legs, jumps 4 feet"
he then cut off one of the frogs legs and again said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped only 3 feet this time and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 3 legs, jumps 3 feet"
he cut off a 2nd leg and said "Frog jump!". this time the frog only jumped 2 feet and so he noted
"frog with 2 legs, jumps 2 feet"
he then cut off a 3rd leg and again said "Frog jump!". the frog only jumped a foot and so he noted
"frog with 1 leg, jumps 1 foot"
the scientist then cut off the frogs last remaining leg and said "Frog jump!, Frog jump!, FROG JUMP!!!!!" but the frog did not move. so he noted
"frog with 0 legs, deaf"
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building...
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...
...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.
"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.
Stalin lit his pipe and replied:
"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."
A man is driving his car when suddenly the door of a parked car is swung open in front of him.
He proceeds to smash into the door of the car, ripping it off. He stops to see another man, in a very expensive suit, jump out of the car and scream at him "you just ripped the door off my lovely Porsche!".
The first man says "You are so materialistic...you didn't even notice that you left arm was ripped off in the accident".
The second man looks down for a second, then screams "my Rolex!"
Clever Insult joke
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ level.
You can explore jump vaulter reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean jump pounce dad jokes. There are also jump puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I got jumped by three black men downtown the other day...
They were quite polite the whole time they were jumping me. Even gave me directions to the nearest auto parts store so I could get a new car battery.
I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore.
The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.
What did the physicist say to the man about to jump off a building?
"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
A man walks into a bar
and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what the deal was about:
"Anyone who can jump up and slap the meat earns free drinks for the rest of the night", the bartender answered. "But, if you miss you pay everyone else's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to try?"
The man thought about it for a moment, and then answers:
"Nah, the stakes are too high."
Yo momma is so fat ...
She took a jump in the pool, they found water on Mars.
A man calls up his hotel's reception
He says, "Please send someone over, I'm having an argument with my wife and she's threatening to jump out the window."
The manager replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we cannot intervene, this seems to be a personal issue."
"d**... man, this is a maintenance issue; I can't get the window open!"
A Hotel guest calls the front desk
and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot.
The window won't open and that's a maintenance matter."
A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving.
A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving. (Skydiving is when you jump out of a plane way up in the sky with a parachute to slow your fall) .... Sorry if that was a little con descending.
A physicist notices a man about to jump of a really tall building, he yells:
DONT JUMP YOU HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL
TIL it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom.
But not twice.
Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?
Society
I went to a disco last night.
I went to a disco last night. They played The Twist, I did the Twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out for that one.
Never do a parachute jump with your girlfriend...
Do it with a parachute.
What is the only reason Donald Trump is watching the Olympics?
So he can determine how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump.
A man from out of town walks into a bar...
he sees large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why the meat is hanging down from the ceiling. The bartender says "Around these parts we have a challenge. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get it for free. If you can't you have to pay the price of the meat but you don't get it. How about taking the bet?" The man looks up at the meat. "Nah" He says. "The steaks are too high.
A man walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling
The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drink for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah the steaks are too high".
A physicist sees a man about to jump from a building
'Don't do it! ' he shouts 'You have so much potential! '
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper?
All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
2020 Olympic high jump results
Gold - Mexico
Silver - Mexico
Bronze - Mexico
The trump family is flying from New York to DC
Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
If I wanted to kill myself...
I'd jump from your ego to your IQ.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.
He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.
Why did HD TV jump from 2K straight to 4k?
Because 3k was considered too racist.
What did a physics teacher say to calm down a student who wanted to jump off the roof?
Don't do that, you have so much potential!
So a guy walks into a bar and sees three steaks taped to the ceiling....
He then asks the bartender why are there three steaks taped to the ceiling? The bartender says well you get one shot, if you jump up and touch one of the steaks then you get free drinks for the rest of the day, however if you miss, you must buy everyone else's drinks for the next hour. The guy ponders for a minute and then says, I would do it, but the stakes are too high.
Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy's belly last night.
Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy's big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.
Aha, I know why it isn't working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.
North Korea is participating in the olympics this year, but they won't win.
Because all of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in south korea
Scientists tested a frog.
They cut off its legs and said "jump!"
The frog didn't jump.
Scientists therefore concluded that when frogs lose their legs, they become deaf.
Did you know that there's a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house?
This is due the antelopes unnaturally strong hind legs, and he fact that the average house can't jump
A man calls the hotel front desk
"Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"
"I NEED YOU TO SEND SOMEONE TO MY ROOM RIGHT AWAY."
"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?"
"My wife is trying to jump out of the window..."
"Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."
"Listen here you smartass, the window isn't opening up and that's a maintenance matter!"
Yesterday I saw some kid getting g**... up behind the school by 4 other kids.
As a senior, I have experienced bullying myself so I immediately jump in.
That kid got no chance against 4 of us.
I need to re-home a dog.
It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.
Plot Twist
A hotel receptionist gets a call*
Man: Hello, I'm in room 210, you need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she's saying that she's going to jump out of the window.
Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal problem. We cannnot help you with that.
Man: Listen you idiot. The window is not opening and that's a MAINTENANCE problem.
If you love skydiving, don't wear a parachute on your next jump
Then you can skydive for the rest of your life!
Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building.
It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.
A guy walks into a bar...
He sees 2 steaks nailed to the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "What's up with those two steaks?"
The bartender replies,
"if you can jump up and take those two steaks from the ceiling, I'll give you $1,000,000, if not, I'll cut your arms off."
The guy then replies,
"I won't do it, the stakes are too high."
A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.
They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.
The doctor exclaims Save the children! And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.
The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating Screw the children!
The priest says Do we have time?
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
A dwarf walks into a bar, he's very, very thirsty.
The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side.
He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?"
(no answer)
He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?"
(no answer)
He jumps up and down, saying every time he gets to the top, "Can I have a Coke please?"
(still no answer)
He's fed up, so he goes around the counter, and on the other side...
...he sees another dwarf, jumping up and down saying, "Is Pepsi OK?"
PS: Google tells me that "dwarf" and "little person" are equally non-offensive. Feel free to educate me if it's the wrong term.
Me: *l**... lips in anticipation* I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.
Instructor: don't lick my lips again.
A man and his wife checked into a hotel.
An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk.
Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window."
Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. "
Man- " Personal matter my a**... the window doesn't open."
A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.
He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"
"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night"
The man sits and thinks it over, and a couple minutes later the bartender asks if he wants to have a go.
"Nah, the steaks are too high"
A physicist is walking along a road when she looks up at a tall building...
She sees a man on the roof getting ready to jump and shouts out to him, "Don't do it, you have so much potential!"
Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.
They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman are all on a hot air balloon.
The conductor almost panicked says, there's too much weight! Someone needs to jump off, or we're going to c**...! The Welshman bravely steps up, For the glory of wales! And the Welshman throws himself off. The conductor still panicked says, okay, we're close but there is still too much weight! The Irishman, in a patriotic manner yells, For Ireland! And throws the Englishman off
Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.
The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.
The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he was brought forward for his execution, he yelled "earthquake"! Again, the firing squad panicked and the second man took advantage of it to jump over the wall and into freedom.
The third man thought he saw the pattern: yell a disaster and jump over the wall. When he was finally brought forward, with a smirk on his face he yelled "fire"!
I'm starting to think Jews really do run this country
but don't want to jump to conclusions, this my first time visiting Israel
A guy walks into a bar and sees that there are dozens of cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling.
Confused, he asks the bartender why this is.
Well, it's a promotion we are running. If you can jump up and grab one, you get a free New York s**... dinner, on us! But, if you attempt to do so and miss, you gotta buy one for every person here instead.
The guy takes a moment to scan the bar, counting up the number of patrons in his head, before turning to the bartender and replying
Ah, no thanks. The steaks are too high.
———
Shout out to my dad for telling me this joke dozens of times throughout my life. It never fails to get a laugh outta a new crowd. Thanks Joe, you da best.
How do you jump higher on a water bed?
You fill it with spring water.
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un jump off a cliff. Who wins?
Mankind
I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore...
They were real nice. Car started right up, and they even helped me with directions back to the interstate.
What happens when a frog's car dies?
He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad...
A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building
So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.
The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.
The last one is the Christian man. He jumps and starts praying: O u r F a t h e r i n H e a v e n, hallowed be your name. YOUR KINGDOM COME! YOUR WILL... BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA!
Captain Stutteter
There was once a pirate known as Captain Stutteter. One day he said to his crewmates.
"W-when I I I s-s-Say S-Sh-Shore! Eve-everybody jump offboard!"
Hours passed as they sailed the sea while Captain Stutteter scrutinized around with his spyglass. Then he shouted:
"SH-SH!"
All the crew jumped offboard.
"SH-SHARK! SHAAAARK!!"
I bet you $20 that you won't be able to push the same thing back in my wheelbarrow.
Two workers - one big and strong, the other small and weak - are on a building site.
The small chap says "I bet you $20 that I can push something to the end of the yard in my wheelbarrow and you won't be able to push the same thing back."
"You're on," says the big guy.
"Righto," says the small fellow, "Jump in."
Why can't Penguins jump higher ?
Where they live , they have shorter springs !
Who can jump higher than a skyscraper?
Anyone, skyscrapers can't jump.
Did you see the review for the scary movie about pogo sticks?
It has its ups and downs, but too many jump scares for me.
A therapist gets a call from their patient saying they are going to kill themself…
Therapist: Why do you want to kill yourself?
Patient: Because you don't take me seriously, and you're always needlessly pedantic!
Therapist: How would you do it?
Patient: I'm going to jump.
Therapist: Now?
Patient: Yes now! I'm looking at a hundred foot drop…
Therapist: Where are you?
Patient: The cliff overlooking the ocean. I mean it doc,I don't care if I drown or hit the rocks. I'll do it! I'll jump!
Therapist: but… that's a bluff.
Patient: …………..
Therapist: Hello?
My son got 8 out of 10 on his driver's test.
The other 2 managed to jump out of his way.
I bet a guy $50 that I could jump higher than a house.
So we went outside and stood by a house. Mustering all my strength, I managed to jump about 18 inches off the ground.
"Ha! Is that as high as you can jump?"
"Hold on, let's see how high the house jumps."
