Jump Jokes
163 jump jokes and hilarious jump puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about jump that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article covers the most hilarious jokes about all types of jumps, from high and long jumps to parachute, bungee, box, and vertical jumps. Whether you're a leaper, a vaulter, or a person who loves to jump through hoops, you'll love these jokes about jumping.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Jump Short Jokes
Short jump jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jump humour may include short hoot jokes also.
- While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
- I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.
- I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore... They were real nice. Car started right up, and they even helped me with directions back to the interstate.
- A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building... He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
- A mugger jumps out in front of a university student... ...and shouts "your money or your life!"
The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a computer science student. I don't have either". - I went to a disco last night. I went to a disco last night. They played The Twist, I did the Twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out for that one.
- "Hurt me!" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively... "Alright," I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."
- TIL it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom. But not twice.
- What did the physicist say to the man about to jump off a building? "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
- I asked my parachute instructor what happens if it doesn't open. He said you're jumping to a conclusion.
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Jump One Liners
Which jump one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jump? I can suggest the ones about swing and skip.
- How do you jump higher on a water bed? You fill it with spring water.
- How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
- They used to be called "Jumpolines" ...until your mom jumped on one back in 1972.
- 2020 Olympic high jump results Gold - Mexico
silver - Mexico
Bronze - Mexico - Why did HD TV jump from 2K straight to 4k? Because 3k was considered too racist.
- Go bungee jumping for free! No strings attached.
- What happened when I jumped off a famous building in France? Eiffel
- what happened to the cow when it jumped over the barbed wire fence? Udder destruction!
- Never do a parachute jump with your girlfriend... Do it with a parachute.
- Ever been to a bulimic's birthday party? (fixed) The cake jumps out of the girl.
- What did the optimist say as he jumped off the building? So far, so good.
- What kind of dog can jump higher than a building? Any kind. Buildings can't jump.
- I once tried a bungee jumping cord to the roof of the school. I got suspended
- My son got 8 out of 10 on his driver's test. The other 2 managed to jump out of his way.
- What did Geronimo yell when he jumped out of a plane? MEEEEEEE!!!!!
High Jump Jokes
Here is a list of funny high jump jokes and even better high jump puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Kim Jong Un walked into a bar The North Korean media still said he got a gold for high jump
- So an Olympian walks into a bar... and is promptly disqualified from her final attempt at the high jump and has all her hopes and dreams of winning gold for her country destroyed.
- Why did the horse run into the bar? He didn't jump high enough.
- "What are the chances of me dying?" I asked my skydiving instructor, moments before jumping. "Very high," he said. "My wife just left me."
- The average Elephant can jump as high as a house Mostly due to the fact that houses can't jump.
- You know how some singers sing so high that windows break? When I sing, they also break because people jump out of them.
- Remember that time that the cow jumped over the moon? That was a high steaks situation.
- I failed the high jump in gymnastics class today... Ever since then the bar was lowered
- What event will Mexico win in the next summer Olympics? Hurdles, high jump and pole vault.
- You wanna know why a cat can jump so high? because they have good PAW-sture
Parachute Jump Jokes
Here is a list of funny parachute jump jokes and even better parachute jump puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you love skydiving, don't wear a parachute on your next jump Then you can skydive for the rest of your life!
- What do you call Skydiving when the parachute doesn't work?
Jumping to a conclusion.. - Forgetting a parachute meant it was his last jump. Then again it was the only one he bounced back from.
- A Customer bought a parachute from me I realised after selling it that it was defective.
He hasn't come back to return it.
I wonder if he has jumped to a conclusion of not coming back. - Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping and Jean-Claude Juncker all jump from a plane without a parachute, in what order do they hit the ground? Doesn't matter.
- What do you call it when your parachute doesn't open? Jumping to conclusion
- I could tell you my jokes about failed parachute jumps But they don't seem to land
- Tell a man a joke and he will laugh for a day... Invite that man to go skydiving, hand him an empty parachute, watch him jump, and he will never laugh again.
- If you jump from a plane with parachutes, you will fly for a few seconds If you jump from a plane without parachutes, you will fly for the rest of your life
- Did you hear about the man..... Did you hear about the man who jumped out of a plane at 40,00 feet without a parachute and survived.....
.....until he hit the ground
Long Jump Jokes
Here is a list of funny long jump jokes and even better long jump puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I went skydiving today. The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?
- How long does it take a cross dresser to get to the ground if they jump out of a plane? Depends on the drag coefficient
- Upon hearing the news he would be confirmed, Judge Kavanaugh was quoted as saying "I think I'll jump in my Ford and go for a long drive"
Jump Into Conclusion Jokes
Here is a list of funny jump into conclusion jokes and even better jump into conclusion puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises... Other than jumping to conclusions.
- I wonder how many calories women burn by... ... jumping to conclusions.
- Why did the conspiracy theorist have such strong legs? Because he spent so much time jumping to conclusions
- What's faster than the speed of light? The speed of *how fast my wife jumps to conclusions*
- I'm pretty sure someone hid the last paragraph of my essay on a shelf that I can't reach, But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
- Man to friend: " The doctor told my wife she should do some exercise." Friend: "And is she doing this?
Man: "Well, she is - if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise!" - What's a woman's favorite sport? Jumping to conclusions!
- the say the average redditor doesn't exercise, but they're wrong! I just spent an hour jumping *to conclusions* and running *my mouth*!
- Whenever you hear someone say... ...Bush did 9/11. Simply tell them "Don't JUMP to conclusions."
Thanks /u/Hammi1 - Confucius say... man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion.
Cheeky Jump Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about jump you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean join jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make jump pranks.
A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...
Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".
Two jumper cables walk into a bar and order a drink.
The bartender says "Okay, but don't start anything."
A maintenance matter
A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel."
The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter."
The husband responded, "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter!"
Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge
Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump.
I said, "Don't jump."
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! What denomination?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference, or Northern Conservative Baptist, Eastern Conference?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him off.
--Emo Philips
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Getting married next week
I told my fiance I'll set a date the day I see the Queen jump out of a helicopter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...
He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lately people have been trying to get me to jump off a dock
But I don't give into pier pressure.
Why'd the apple jump in the grinder?
He was suicider.
Let's hear some Confucius Jokes
I'll start
Confucius says woman that keeps soap on top shelf will jump for joy.
Like a princess
A man takes his girlfriend out on a date, and as they are leaving he says "I'm going to treat you like a princess".
So they jump in his Mercedes and he drives into a wall.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl was about to jump off a cliff...
A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have s**... with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Still the best blonde joke to date..
A brunette, a redhead, and a blond escape a burning building by
climbing to the roof. The firemen are on the street below,
holding a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only
chance to survive!"
The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen y**... the blanket
away. The brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead.
"No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!"
"OK" says the redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen y**... the
blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Only the blonde remains on top of the building. Again, the
firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me
that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you
to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny catches his mom and dad...
Mom and dad are having s**... when little Johnny walks in. Quickly, dad tells him to leave. When mom and dad come out of the room, they explain to Johnny that sometimes daddy's get a big tummy and mommy's have to jump on it so it will deflate. Then Johnny replies, "But why does mommy have to deflate it when Ms. Jane next door just comes over every day to blow it back up?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men and a parachute
So, a norwegian, a danish and a swedish person are on a private flight. Suddenly, the pilot turns on the speaker and says:
"The plane is malfunctioning and is going to c**.... There's three parachutes, and I'm going to take one. You're going to have to figure out who doesn't get one".
He then proceeds to jump out of the plane.
The three men panic, but the norwegian tells the others to calm down and then says to the swedish person: "Here. You take one, we'll figure out who gets the last one." And the swedish jumps.
The norwegian then turns to the danish person and says: "Let's grab the chutes and get out of this thing."
The danish says, very confused:" But you just gave the second to last parachute to that swedish guy? There's only one left now."
To which the norwegian replies: "Relax man, I gave him my backpack."
Scottish man at the ranch
A scottish man is visiting a texas oilman. They spend hours touring the ranch; it's an enormous property. Eventually the oilman brags, "I can jump in my car and drive until sun down. I'd never hit the edge of my claim!". The scotsman replies, "Aye, I had a car like that once too".
the three legged pig joke reminded me of a joke my dad once told me
a scientist was doing an experiment on a frog in his lab, he placed the frog down on the floor and said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped 4 feet and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 4 legs, jumps 4 feet"
he then cut off one of the frogs legs and again said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped only 3 feet this time and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 3 legs, jumps 3 feet"
he cut off a 2nd leg and said "Frog jump!". this time the frog only jumped 2 feet and so he noted
"frog with 2 legs, jumps 2 feet"
he then cut off a 3rd leg and again said "Frog jump!". the frog only jumped a foot and so he noted
"frog with 1 leg, jumps 1 foot"
the scientist then cut off the frogs last remaining leg and said "Frog jump!, Frog jump!, FROG JUMP!!!!!" but the frog did not move. so he noted
"frog with 0 legs, deaf"
An American asked the Newfy scubadiver,
"Why do you jump into the water backwards?"
To which the Newfy replied, "If we jumped forwards, we'd still be in the boat."
Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...
...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.
"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.
Stalin lit his pipe and replied:
"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Heresy
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" and pushed him off.
~Emo Philips
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is driving his car when suddenly the door of a parked car is swung open in front of him.
He proceeds to smash into the door of the car, ripping it off. He stops to see another man, in a very expensive suit, jump out of the car and scream at him "you just ripped the door off my lovely Porsche!".
The first man says "You are so materialistic...you didn't even notice that you left arm was ripped off in the accident".
The second man looks down for a second, then screams "my Rolex!"
Why has Mexico never won olympic gold?
All those who can run, jump and swim are in Texas.
A man goes to a store to buy groceries.
When he gets to the Butchery, he asks for three steaks.
The butcher asks if he'd like to play a game, after which the man replies that he would.
The butcher climbs a ladder up to the ceiling, easily 9 or 10 feet, and hangs them on hooks up there.
When he climbs down, the butcher says "If you can jump up and get all of your steaks in 3 tries, all of your groceries are free."
The man asks, "What's the catch?"
The butcher replies, "If you fail to get the steaks in three tries, you have to pay for your groceries and those of the man behind you in line."
After some consideration, the man replies "No."
The butcher asks, "Why not?"
The man simply replies "The stakes are too high."
A man was trapped in a burning building...
...on the 12th floor. He ran to the open window and saw a fireman approaching on a long ladder. He felt so relieved to be saved. Before climbing out the window he yelled to the fireman,
"What should I do? Should I go down with you on the ladder, or should I jump to the ground?"
The fireman said, 'The ladder."
The man died.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was walking across a bridge...
and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
I said, "Well there's so much to live for."
"Like what?"
"Well, are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Baptist or Episcopalian!"
"Baptist."
"Me too! Are you Baptist Church or God or Reformed Baptist Church of God"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1893 or Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917."
To which I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" as I pushed him off the bridge.
A frog jumped higher than a building...
...because buildings can't jump.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got jumped by three black men downtown the other day...
They were quite polite the whole time they were jumping me. Even gave me directions to the nearest auto parts store so I could get a new car battery.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Homeless man and a Suicidal Woman.
A woman was standing on the edge of a bridge ready to jump, a homeless man approached her and the woman said "NO! NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL STOP ME FROM JUMPING, I AM WORTHLESS!!"
The homeless man replied "Okay, fine. But before you do, will you have s**... with me? I haven't had s**... in 25 years."
The woman replied "No, you're disgusting."
The homeless man turned and began to walk away when the woman said "WAIT! THAT'S IT? YOU'RE NOT GONNA TALK ME OUT OF THIS?"
The homeless man turned, smiled and said, "I'm going to the bottom, if I hurry, you'll still be warm."
Why do scuba-divers jump backwards into the water?
Because if they jumped forwards they'd still be in the boat.
A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.
First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."
"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.
"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."
Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."
"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.
"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."
Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."
"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.
"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"
I jumped into the pool with my iPhone....
It's syncing now
I would never bungee jump...
I came into this world because of a broken rubber and I'm not going out cause of one.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Hotel guest calls the front desk
and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot.
The window won't open and that's a maintenance matter."
A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving.
A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving. (Skydiving is when you jump out of a plane way up in the sky with a parachute to slow your fall) .... Sorry if that was a little con descending.
Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?
Society
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Dutch and a Belgian are sitting in a bar, watching the evening news.
They see a woman ready to jump from the 6th floor, shouting "I'm going to jump, I'm going to jump!". The Dutch says: "I bet she's gonna jump." The Belgian replies: "And I bet she won't." So they bet, and the woman jumps. Then the Dutch tells the Belgian: "I have to confess that I cheated, as I already saw it on the 1pm news." - "Me too", says the Belgian, "I saw it on the 1pm news already. But I did not think that she would be s**... enough to jump twice."
I nearly jumped 10 feet in the air during my first prostate exam.
Good thing the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders.
2 men are robbing an apartment...
...when they hear sirens outside the building.
"We need to jump!" says the first man.
The second man replies "But we're on the 13th floor!"
"This is no time to be superstitious!" exclaims the first man.
A guy walks into a bar.
Inside the bar he sees a blonde sitting at the bar, she's intently watching the 10 pm news. The news story is about a man who's standing atop a building, preparing to jump. The guy says to the blond "I bet you $50 he'll jump". The blonde takes the bet and continuous to watch.
Some time later, the man on the building jumps. The guy turns to the blonde and says "I'm sorry but I can't take your money. I watched this on the 6 pm news and knew he would jump". The blonde replies "I watched it at 6 pm too, but I didn't think he'd jump again"
Zorro went up to his lover and left his horse
Under the window so he could jump right on, in case her husband returned.
So he is making love and suddenly hears knock on the door. He quickly grabs his clothes and jumps thought the window.
Woman opens the door and there is Zorro's horse and he goes:
"hey, tell him that it's raining outside and I will be waiting in the hall"
I jumped on the bus, and said, "Two, please."
The driver said, "This is a school bus."
I replied, "I know, and make them good looking."
What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby?
I take my shoes off when I jump on a trampoline
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I run a s**... hotline.
A guy called me once, told me I had 60 seconds to convince him not to jump off his balcony on the 41st floor.
He must've confused me with the *anti*-s**... hotline.
The trump family is flying from New York to DC
Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
A man walks into a bar with his buddies and sees three steaks hanging from the ceiling.
He asks the bartender "Why are there three steaks hanging from the ceiling?"
The bartender replies "It's a contest sort of thing, actually. If you can jump and slap one of the steaks, you and your buddies get free drinks for the night. If not, you have to pay for everyone in the bar's drinks for the next hour. Wanna give it a try?"
The man thinks for a few minutes and makes his decision.
"Bartender, as much as my buddies and I would like free drinks, the stakes are just too high."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are there no Mexican teams in the olympics?
If a mexican can run, jump or swim, they're in the US.
A physics student was standing on top of a building, threatening to jump
I tried to talk him out of it, because he had so much potential.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girl about to jump of a bridge.....
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, What are you doing?
I'm going to commit s**..., she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a b**...? So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow b**....
After she's finished, the biker says, Wow! That was the best b**... I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing s**...?
My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.....
My girlfriend was fighting 5 people, so I had to jump in...
There's no way she could take all 6 of us.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course, a house doesn't jump at all....
A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle.
A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle. The pilot over coms says
"There is to much wait on the plane, someone will have to jump off"
The Brit then goes to the exit of the plane and says,
"For the Queen!"
He then jumps off.
The pilot says
"We are still to heavy, one more person has to jump off"
So the Texan screams "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!"
Then trows the Mexican off.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde visit a magical bridge.
The sign reads "Magical bridge: Jump off the bridge and shout out what you want to land in and so it shall be."
The brunette goes first, she climbs on the rail, jumps off and yells "Pillows!" She lands safe and sound in a pile of pillows.
The redhead jumps next. " Hundred dollar bills!" She yells and lands in a huge pile of money.
The blonde goes last. She climbs up, jumps off and gets scared. She yells "Oh shiiiiiiiit!"
I had a terrible night out at the club
I'm not much of a clubber, but I was starting to get the hang of it. They played "Jump Around" and I jumped around, they played "Put Your Hands Up" and I did, everything seemed to be going well. Then they played "Come On Eileen" and I got thrown out...
Why did the Jew jump off the cliff?
He couldn't resist a free fall.
Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy's belly last night.
Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy's big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.
Aha, I know why it isn't working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.
Did you know cats can jump higher than a house?
This is largely due to the cats powerful hind legs and the fact houses cant jump.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The jumper ....
A Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm trying to commit s**...," she says.
s**... driver says with sly grin "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a b**...."
So, she does.
After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing s**...?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How did Aids originally jump from chimpanzees to humans?
Tarzan was not a v**... when he met jane
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
People always jump to ridiculous conclusions.
Like thinking, for some reason, that my dads are gay.
A guy prays to god. please let me win the lottery .
Nothing happens and the next week he prays again I really need the money, please let me win the lottery .
Another week passes and still nothing so he goes to the top of a mountain and screams out if I don't win the lottery, I'm going to jump! . And then he hears a booming voice...
Buy a ticket!
Scientists tested a frog.
They cut off its legs and said "jump!"
The frog didn't jump.
Scientists therefore concluded that when frogs lose their legs, they become deaf.
A man offers Descartes $100 to jump in a lake.
Without thinking, Descartes ceases to exist.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night.
Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to r**... them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."
The second nun looks up and says,
"This one does!"
Too guys trying to escape a prison
Last fence they have to jump has bells on it. First guy jumps, touches the wires and the bells ring.
They guard says:- Who goes there?
The guy makes a noise:-Meow!
Guard says: -oh, its just a cat.
Second guy jumps, hits the wires, bells ring.
Guard says: -Who goes there?
Second guy:-Just another cat.
Did you know that there's a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house?
This is due the antelopes unnaturally strong hind legs, and he fact that the average house can't jump
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yesterday I saw some kid getting g**... up behind the school by 4 other kids.
As a senior, I have experienced bullying myself so I immediately jump in.
That kid got no chance against 4 of us.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Plot Twist
A hotel receptionist gets a call*
Man: Hello, I'm in room 210, you need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she's saying that she's going to jump out of the window.
Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal problem. We cannnot help you with that.
Man: Listen you idiot. The window is not opening and that's a MAINTENANCE problem.
I saw my ex getting jumped.
I saw my ex getting jumped by 6 dudes so I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance with all 7 of us.
Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building.
It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.
Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20-story building.
During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.
First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."
Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."
Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.
Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window.
Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"
Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"
