July Jokes

Hey girl, are you a parked car in July?

Because I want to leave a baby in you.

4th of July,

The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

Mom, why am I getting Christmas gifts in July?

Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.

As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July.

It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.

I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 239 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

Has COVID-19 got you wearing glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

EDIT (July 14, 2020 7:40PM PST): Um, wow. I did not expect the 2.9K likes, especially since I didn't come up with it. Thanks for the support guys and y'all got me, I read it somewhere else and shared it.

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

HAPPY FOURH OF JULY

Looking for the T?

It's in Boston Harbor.

Number 7

Mark dreams number 7.

He wakes up, looks at his watch: it was 7:07.

He looked at the calendar: July 7, 2007.

Decided it was a sign he's taking the bus 77.

Arrive at the track, put $ 7777 on the horse 7 from the 7th race.

The horse comes seventh.

If 9/11 had happened in July...

7/11's brand name would have crumbled faster than the Twin Towers.

Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.

Fire-works on 4th of July.

Happy Fourh of July

"Hey England, Happy Fourh of July."

"Where's the T?"

"We threw it in the harbor."

Merica.

How many seconds are there in one year?

12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

I held a door open for an Asian guy

and he said "sank you" so i punched him in the face. Serves him right for bringing up Pearl Harbor like that.
PS: Happy 4th of July

What is a pirate's favorite firework?

M-80. Happy 4th of July!

What do you call a mall Santa in July?

A pedophile. You call him a pedophile.

7

I had this strange dream the other night, July 7th to be exact. I was alone in this wide open field, and on this field was a large number seven. This confused me, and woke me up, I looked at the clock and sure enough it was seven o'clock. I thought this was strange but didn't think too much into it, that was until I hailed a taxi and, of course it was number seven as well. I got to thinking, how can I use this to my advantage? So I went to the local horse track, and in the seventh race of the day, there was a horse named Lucky Number Seven, so I placed my bet and wouldn't you know it,

He came in seventh.

I got this joke while watching Scrubs

Turk: You are like School in July

JD: Why

Turk: No Class

I have never understood why people abbreviate July as Jul.

i mean seriously y?

A man is driving through the desert when he notices a sign.

The sign reads "Turn here to speak to the native American with the most incredible memory"

Curious, the man takes the turning. He comes across the native American man standing at the side of the road.

He approaches him and gives his best "How!"

The native American replies "How!"

"Is your memory really as good as the sign suggests?" asks the man.

"Try me" replies the native American.

"Okay, what did you have for breakfast on July 18th 1986?"

The native American thinks for a moment and then replies, "Eggs."

Amazed, the man thanks the native American and gets back in his car and continues his journey.

15 years later, he is travelling through the same desert and notices the same sign. Having forgotten all about the native American until seeing the sign, he decides to go ask another question.

Upon reaching the native American, he again gives his best "How!"

"Scrambled"

Need help: looking for parade jokes. (I know, right?)

I was asked to announce the 4th of July parade in my small hometown. Was wondering if anyone here has been at a parade and heard something funny.

The only thing to work off of right now is that Josh Duhmel is announcing the 4th of July parade in a larger town about 20 minutes away.

Thanks

Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July.

The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.

A man wakes up the morning of his birthday on July 7th.

He looks at his watch '7:07'. Oh man, what are the odds that I wake up at 7:07 on 07/07 on the day of my birthday. Could be my lucky day!

He drives to the grocery store and starts freaking out as the total at the cash shows 77.77$. Oh my, this cannot be a coincidence .

He then drives back home and parks his car, only to realize his mileage is now at 77,777km. Ok this is it, it is my lucky day, I'm going to pick a horse and bet 7777$ on it in tonight's race. Easy money!

The horse finishes 7th.

What's the Difference Between February 14th and July 4th?

There isn't any, at least to me, because they're both Independence Day.

You're like school in July...

No class

Brits have more reason than most to celebrate 4th of July

Surely 241 years of officially being separated from America is something to be happy about

July 4th PSA: On one hand fireworks are a lot of fun.

On the other hand I only have 2 fingers.

Hey England, Happy Fourh of July!!!

Britain: "What happened to the T?"

America: "We threw it in the Harbor!"

How is looking up your symptoms on WebMD like your July Horoscope?

It's probably cancer.

Do not let the fact that today is July 4th distract you

From the fact that England blew a 13 colony lead

You should cut people born between June 21st and July 22nd out of your life...

They're Cancer.

The 4th of July is an annual reminder

of how useless my dog would be in a war.

Asking someone's favorite month (Bar joke)

A man walks into a bar and asks the guys beside him
Hmm do you have a favorite month?
The guy replied
Yes July
The man then asks
Why July?
The guy replies again
No no no July is actually my favorite month I didn't lie

Where did the fire go on 4th of july?

Firework

If something goes wrong with the 4th of July celebration at Mt. Rushmore...

It will be a monumental disaster.

Everyone enjoys the Fourth of July.

Except fire. Fire works on the Fourth of July.

Can you help out my friend?

A friend of mine has two tickets for the England v. Sweden football match this Saturday. He has already paid £800 for flights and accommodation. However, he was devastated the other day when he realised it clashes with his wedding and he won't be able to attend after all.

Would anyone be interested in taking his place? It all gets underway in West London at 3pm on Saturday July 7th. The bride's name is Lucy, 30 years old, weighs about 60kg. She is financially independent and an excellent cook, and her other interests include tennis and classical music.

What does CNN call back-to-back aviation disasters?

Christmas in July

Most people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July

Except fire. Fire works on the 4th of July.

What do they do for the 4th of July in England?

Sulk.

I just asked my dad what his favourite part about being a teacher is...

He responded with June, July, and August

Last year I blew all my fingers off on the 4th of July

And now my friends say they don't trust me. They say they can't count on me.

WNBA announces plan to play abbreviated 22-game season in Florida beginning in late July without fans in attendance.

Come on. Do I even have to type the punchline for this one?

What did August say when June claimed that today is the last day of the month?

Don't July to me!

Happy Fourth of July Guys!

I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.

I put a picture of the USA in a heart locket to celebrate the 4th of July...

Now it is truly independent

7

One night I was dreaming the number 7, over an over. To my amazement, when I woke up it was 7 o'clock, on July the 7th. So I took the bus on line 7 straight to the racetrack and bet 7777$ on the 7th horse from the 7th round. It finished on 7th.

What month celebrates Holocaust deniers?

July.

What is a holocaust denier's favourite month?

JULY

4th of july

British people say that we as Americans go overboard with the 4th of July.

When really the only thing that went overboard was their tea

When is a rabbi dishonest?

July

In which month should you not trust a Jew?

July!

-bored on a 28 hour road trip. It was the best we could do.

If you had told me back on NYE all the sh*t that'd happen in the first half of 2020...

I would've said, Don't July.

June's over...

Julying!

A friend has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the World cup final game Sun 15th July He paid £500 each including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! He is looking for someone to take his place

It's at Sheffield Town Hall at 4pm. Her name is Nicola -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook. Message me for more details.

Nothing important happened today

- King George III, 4 July 1776

The sailor's birthday

Because of a minor infraction, a sailor aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line -- and it was July 23.

What's the difference between the United States and a yogurt?

That after 200 years, a yogurt can actually build a community.

Haha, happy late 4th of July.

Her: "Honey, I want to be with you 24/7"

Him: "Ok, see you on the 24th of July"

Can confirm: England Does have a 4th of July

And we even get it first!

What did May tell June when they were fighting?

Don't July to me

My dog hates the 4th of July

Not because of the fireworks or anything, he's just going through a communist phase right now

Happy early 4th of July everyone

And to those who've been a defendant a fourth time then happy 4th of jury

Why do Pakistanis celebrate July 4th?

Because all the drone pilots are on vacation

Subscribers to Bread Enthusiast Monthly were upset when the July edition was all about flat bread. They said it was too big of a change from all the magazine's usual topics.

In actuality, it was a naan-issue.

Many veterans experience PTSD from the loud bangs of fireworks around holidays like 4th of July and New Years. My advice to them is to use noise-cancelling headphones, Netflix, and pharmaceutical-grade weed.

Just like the children of Kabul.

What do they call the Fourth of July in Hawaii?

Dependence day.

Amidst all of the distractions on this 4th of July, let's not forget what we're celebrating

That the British blew a 13 colony lead

4th July

If the 4th of July is independence Day, why isn't 17th February Shawshank redemption day? It was a much better film.

What do TikTok and people born in July have in common?

They both are cancer

Something really important must've happened on July 24th, 365 AD.

All of the supermarkets near me say "24/7/365".

We have collected gags that can be used as July pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about July, here are one liners and funny July pick up lines.

Joko Jokes