julius Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious julius puns

Do you know about the Roman emperor who had epilepsy?

It was Julius Seizure.

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Julius Caesar: Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?

Brutus: Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's.

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What's the difference between Julius Caesar and Genghis Khan?

Caesar: "I came, I saw, I conquered."

Khan: "I conquered, I saw, I came."

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Julius Caesar sashays into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers, please!"

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Julius Caesar....

Is offering his friends some delicious ancient roman pizza (because fuck logic, this is a joke). Everyone eats a single slice. Brutus sneakily eats another one.

Caesar catches him in the act and says

"Ate two, Brute?"

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Latin killed the Ancient Romans and now it's killing me...

Julius Caesar walks into a bar. "I'll have a martinus," he says. The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks "Don't you mean a martini?" "Look," Caesar retorts, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

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What do you call an epileptic emperor?

Julius Seizure

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What Roman dictator suffered from Epilepsy?

Julius Seizure.

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What's it called when a Roman sees too many flashing colors?

A Julius Seizure.

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What did Julius Caesar say after taking Cleopatra's virginity?

Veni, Vidi... Veni.

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What do you call an epileptic Roman?

Julius Seizure.

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What do you call a Roman dictator having an epileptic fit?

Julius Seizure

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What did Julius Caesar say after he made love to his wife

Veni

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A young Julius Caesar and his friend were walking along...

A young Julius Caesar and his friend Kevin were walking a Roman road. Caesar says "I'm really thinking about going all out this year and having a bust made of myself" to which Kevin
replied..."Ughh...Don't get a-head of yourself".

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How do we know Julius Caesar wasn't gay?

Because you have to be straight to be a good ruler

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Sometimes I envy Julius Caesar...

He died surrounded by all of his friends.

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What were Julius Caesar's dying words?

name... a salad.... after me...ahhh

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What does Julius Ceasar say after sex?

Veni.

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What did Julius Caesar say towards the end of a passionate night with Cleopatra?

"Veni."

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Last Halloween i dressed up as Julius Caesar, and my friends ditched me

Talk about getting stabbed in the back

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The White House bar and restaurant, upon Trump's arrival, will reduce their beverage selections to just two choices:

You can get a White Russian or an Orange Julius.

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Julius Caesar goes into a bar...

... and asks for a martinus. Puzzled, the bartender asks,
"Do you mean a martini?"
"No. Just one, please."

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What's the difference between Julius Caeser and a rapist?

Caesar came, saw, and conquered.
A rapist saw, conquered, and came.

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A few statistics...

Studies show ΒΎths of the general public prefer to be told statistics in percents as compared to fractions.

10/9 of them are unable to spot errors in said statistics.

63% of the population will believe a statistic if it has a famous name cited with it. - Julius Cesar, May 1973

The remaining half of the people who prefer to be told statistics who prefer to be told statistics in fractions are unable to spot continuity issues.

Seventy-bajillion people on earth cannot recognize made up numbers.

...and finally... if you are male there is a 1 in 3 chance you are reading this with your penis in your hand (this one may actually be true)

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Why did Julius Caesar want to quit politics?

All that backstabbing was too much for him.

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Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?

He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.

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Julius Caesar goes to a nightclub with his friends

While there he breaks off from his group of friends to talk to an attractive young woman. His friends don't see him for the rest of the night, and the next morning they're all eager to find out what happened. So when they next see him they ask him what happened.

"Vidi, vici, veni" replies Ceasar.

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The night Julius Caesar met his wife

Julius Caesar is looking for a lady. A friend of his suggests a woman he knows. He meets the woman, and they go to his house. The next day, Caesar bumps into his friend again. The friend asks "how did it go"? Caesar replies, "I saw, I conquered, I came."

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Julius Caeser and Alexander the Great are in a bathroom together

They are both going pee in two urinals right next to each other. Alexander the Great leans over the divider looks at Caeser and says "My empire is bigger than yours"

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So, Julius Ceaser was afraid of storms but one night he had to go out.

A big storm was brewing, he ordered one of his minders to go out and report the weather to him. Upon his return he was asked " so was it raining?" To which his minder reported " all hail Ceaser"!!

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Julius Caesar and Brutus are having a conversation

Brutus asks: How many apples did you eat last night?

Julius responds: Et two, Brute.

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Gaius Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I conquered

Gayus Julius Caesar: I saw, I conquered, I came

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Gaius Julius Caesar walks into a baguette shop.

The owner stops him at the door and says: "I cannot believe you have the Gaul to just strut in here like that!"

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What did Julius Caesar exclaim after years of impotency?

Veni! Veni! Veni!

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Why did Julius Ceaser wear sandals?

For roamin' around

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What are the most funny Julius jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Julius? Well, here are the best Julius dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Julius pick up lines to share with friends.

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