Julie Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Julie Andrews withdraws her endorsement

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Revlon Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement she said, "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."

...Then Juliet looked down from her balcony and said,

"Its over Romeo,

I have the high ground"

All the single ladles

Joe invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the course of said dinner his mother couldn't help but notice the staggering beauty of Joe's roommate. She had been long suspicious of a relationship between them, and her beauty combined with the banter she had seen them share only made her all the more curious.

Joe noticed his mother's suspicion. "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Julie and I are just roommates."

A week later, Julie came to Joe and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't seem to find the gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it on accident, do you?"

Joe agreed that it was a reasonable possibility, and wrote a letter to his mother inquiring about the ladle. It read, "I'm not saying you 'did' take the ladle, nor am I saying you 'did not' take the ladle,' but the fact is it's been missing since you came to dinner last week."

Several weeks later, a reply came.

"I'm not saying you 'do' sleep with Julie, nor am I saying you 'do not' sleep with Julie. The fact is if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now."

A beautiful young lady works in a brothel [NSFW]

But she would never tell her family or friends about it.

One night during a police raid, all the girls need to get in line outside the brothel.

And while in line, the grandmother of the young lady walks by: "Julie, what are you doing here in the middle of the night?" "Well grandmother, at the front the line they give away free oranges!"
"Free oranges! I'll better get me some." And the grandmother steps in line.

Meanwhile the line gets processed and every girl gets interrogated.
When the cop comes at the end of the line his eyes widen: "What? You? At your age? What are you doing here?"

"Ah it's no problem, I just take it my teeth and suck them dry!"

Julie was a typical housewife...

And one day while she was crossing the road, she was hit by a car and died. She went to st. Peter's gate and asked to talk with god. "Why did you kill me?" She asked. " I'm only 42". God apologized immediately and agreed to bring her back to life and let her resume her life. She woke up in the hospital with her family surrounding her, and immediately hugged them. She decided that she may as well get some cosmetic surgery while in the hospital, so she got lypo, a boob job, got botox in her forehead, and a tan. She left the hospital the next day, and immediately she was hit by another car. Yet again, she asked god, 'why did you kill me'. He responded, "sorry, i didn't recognize you"

A teacher asks children to name some drug names...

...
Sally stands up and says Paracetamol, its for pain relief

Julie stands up and says Aspirin , it helps you focus

Jimmy stands up and says viagra !

The teacher replies saying Jimmy, how do you know that? What does that drug do?

Jimmy replies Viagra is for diarrhea relief

The teacher says Who told you that?

My mom gives my dad viagra every evening saying - take some of this and maybe that shit of yours might get harder

New hooker in town.

Bill and his wife Julie were going through financial crisis. Bill suggested Julie to become a hooker.

Julie was not sure how to start that, so Bill said, "Stand near that pillar and pick up a guy. Tell him your rate is $200. If you got any question, I'll be parked around the corner".

Within couple of minutes a black guy pulls up and asked, "How much?"
"$200"
"Shigh, I have only $120"
"Hold on"... wife runs back to Bill.
"What can he get in $120".
"A handjob" Bill said.


Wife runs back and tells the guys he will get a handjob in $120. Black guy agrees. She gets in the car, he unzips his pants and here is the biggest schlong ever.

She stares it for a minute and says, "Hold on, I will be right back".

She runs back to her husband and says, "Bill can you please lend him $80"

A man visits a mental hospital.

He sees a patient with torn clothes & unkempt hair shouting "Julie !! Julie !!"

He asks the assistant about the reason for the patient'sĀ  behavior. Asst says the patient used to love a girl called Julie but couldn't marry her. So he became mad.

The man visits the next ward. There also he sees another patient with torn clothes & unkempt hair shouting

"Julie !! Julie !!"

The man looks at the assistant.
The assistant says "This one married Julie"

A teacher is giving a vocab lesson....

And she asks her students to use the word "definitely" in a sentence.
Little Julie raises her hand, the teacher calls on her.
"The sky is definitely blue."
Teacher says "no Julie sometimes it can be gray or black like night."
Danny raises his hand and the teacher calls on him.
"Grass is definitely green."
"No Danny. Grass can be brown sometimes too"
Just then little Timmy raises his hand.
"Yes Timmy?"
"Do farts have lumps?"
"No Timmy"
"Then I definitely just shit my pants!"

Hey man, where did Julie spend her vacation?

Alaska.


- No thats okay, I'll ask her myself

Pair of Twins

I've been shagging a pair of twins recently, and my friend asked me "How do you tell the difference?".
I told him "It's easy! Julie has long blonde hair..."
"..and Derek has a moustache"

Difference between men and women

Julie didn't come home one night. When her husband Tom asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house.

Tom was a bit suspicious so he called her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.

The following week Tom didn't come home one night. Julie asks him where he'd been. So Tom says he got a bit drunk at a friend's place and thought it was safer not to drive but crash out there.

Julie thinks he's been "fooling around" so rings his ten best mates.

All ten of them say he spent the night there and six claim he's still there.

A man answers a call on his cell phone.

Lady: Hello Sir, I want to meet & talk to you.
Man: Do you know me?
Lady: Yes, you are the FATHER of one of my KIDS!

Man stunned,oh my God!

Are you Fiona
No.
Are you Julie?
No.
Are you Cissy??
No.
Are you Flavia?
No.
Are you Alice?
No.
Are you Claudia?
No.
Are you Vannesa?
No.
Are you Grace?
No.
Are you Sarah?
No.
Are you Lydia?
No.
Are you Agnes?
No.
Are you Oliver?
No.
Are you Beth?
No.
Are you Carol?
No.
Are you Gloria?


No Sir, I am the class Teacher of your son
but you just made my day.

Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time and Julie whispers, "I should warn you, Ted, I've got acute angina."

Ted responds, "Your breasts aren't bad either!"

What would you like for your birthday...

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

John invited his mother over for dinner.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Julie knew her new boyfriend was secretly gay...

She had him pegged.

My friend Julie was dating this guy and one day she called me crying saying she was done with him for body shaming her at their dinner, I asked her for more details,

She said he called her 'Born a petite'.

What is Julie Andrews' favourite coffee?

Do re me fa so latte.

What are the funniest julie jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Julie? Well, here are the best Julie puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Julie pick up lines to share with friends.

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