Juice Jokes

What are some Juice jokes?

I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn't suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn't cut it as barber; didn't have the patience to be a doctor; didn't fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn't see any future as a historian.

Yesterday I sinned with an 18year old girl.

Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.

The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.

Man: And that frees me from my sin?

Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.

I recently quit my job at the orange juice factory......

I just couldn't concentrate.

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

He asks for a coke and a mango juice for his newt Tiny.

The bartender asks Why is he called Tiny?

And the man replies Because he's my newt!

I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.

Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.

How did Hitler like his orange juice?

Concentrated.

So I was standing behind this girl

I was standing behind this girl at a school dance while we were waiting to get some juice. She was really pretty, so I thought I'd break the ice with a joke.

I tapped her on the shoulder and said "Hey, what's blue and smells like red paint?"

She smiled and asked, "what?"

As I was about to open my mouth, I accidentally tripped and knocked over everyone in front of me. I never got to finish the joke, but that's how I totally screwed up the punch line.

Why do doctors recommend apple juice?

Cause OJ will kill you.

I Just got fired from the orange juice factory.

They said I could not concentrate

Why do they call almond milk, almond milk?

Because nut juice just wouldn't be appropriate.

Bag Boy

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is really excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.The manager says no. The bagger says, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager answers, "I'm sorry, son, but baggers can't be juicers."

Just invented a new drink. Vodka, cranberry juice, lime, and rohypnol.

Its called the Cosbypolitan

What's the difference between an orange and the Torah?

One can make acidic juice and the other can make Hasidic Jews

(Just made this up today)

4 out of 5 urologists...

...smell their apple juice before they drink it.

Whata country..

You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.

He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"

Why is almond milk called almond milk?

Because no one can say "nut juice" with a straight face

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket.

One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

What does Hitler drink with his breakfast?

Milk because he doesn't like juice

You know why I drink apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you

This Joke Is A Real Lemon

A barman was very proud of the fact that he could squeeze a lemon so that no more juice would come out of it He made a standing offer of $1000 to anyone who could get more juice out of a lemon after he'd squeezed it. Every night big, burly regulars at the bar attempted to get more juice from a lemon he'd squeezed, but no one could produce so much as a drop. But one night, a little bloke walked in and said he'd heard of the standing offer and would like to try. The barman said 'How do you think you could succeed when all these blokes have failed?' And the little guy said: 'Just give me a chance and I'll show you'.

So the barman, thinking his regulars would enjoy the joke, picked up a lemon and squeezed it. After squeezing all the juice he could out of it, he handed the dried ring to the little bloke and said: 'Here you go.' The little bloke took the lemon and squeezed it and managed to get one, two, three for fix, SIX more drops of juice. Amazed, the barman said: 'Well, here's your $1000. But what do you do for a living? Are you a professional bodybuilder or what?' And the little bloke said: 'No, I work for the Tax Department.'

A little boy wants his toy,

A little boy wants his toy, so he walks up to his mother and says "Mom, give me my toy." His mother responds by saying, "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words and his mom gives him his toy.

The next day, the little boy starts kindergarten. At snack time, the little boy wants some juice, so he walks up to his teacher and asks for a juice box. The teacher says "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words. But the teacher gets upset, and calls the little boy's mother and asks her to come in.

When the three of them are sitting in the room together, the teacher asks the mother; "Have you been teaching your son sarcasm?"

"No," the mother says, "Why, what did he do?"

"Well, he asked for a juicebox," said the teacher, "and I asked him to say the magic words, and instead of saying please, he said 'you're thin and you're beautiful.'"

A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people

and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'

Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, 'Who are you?'

The second man replied, 'Income tax officer.'

What was Hitler's favorite kind of juice?

Concentrated.

What is Hitler's least favourite drink?

Juice.

Why do neo-nazis drink milk?

Because they hate juice

I had to quit my job at the Orange Juice factory, it was too distracting there.

I just couldn't concentrate.

Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?

It ran out of juice.


I shall take my leave now.

I got fired from the juice factory today

I just couldn't concentrate

A bar owner puts out a challenge

He puts an ad in the paper saying that if anyone can beat his bartender in a feat of strength, then he will give them 10,000$. So people come from all over trying to win the money, bodybuilders, construction workers, boxers, but nobody can beat him. In order to win, they must squeeze just one drop of juice out of a lemon after the bartender squeezes it. So one day a skinny man in a suit with point dexter glasses walks in and says he can beat the bartender in the feat of strength. After everyone in the bar stops laughing, the bartender says ok and start squeezing and squeezing until there's almost nothing left in the lemon. So he hands it to the man and in just ten seconds the skinny man gets 6 drops out of the lemon. The owner of the bar gives him his money and says "before you go, tell me, how did you do that? Are you a magician? Martial artist? How in the world did you beat him?" And the man replies "oh no no no, I work for the IRS."

Q: why did the blond stare at her orange juice for 2 hours?

A: because it said "concentrate"

What do you get if you squeeze a synagogue?

Juice!

Drunken Epicness

A man comes home one night after being at the local bar. He is absolutely smashed as he collapses on his bed next to his wife and falls asleep.

The next morning he wakes up to breakfast in bed. Toast, Egg and Bacon, Juice and Coffee. He is very confused, so he asks his son as he passes his bedroom, who made him this breakfast.

"Mom did", he says.

"Why?", asks the man, "This is the first time in years she has made me breakfast in bed."

"When you got home and fell asleep", says the son, "you were still wearing your clothes, so Mom tried to undress you so you would sleep more comfortably. Then you started yelling "Get off me woman! I am married!""

I know why they call it Almond Milk

Cause you can't say Nut Juice with a straight face.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory.

I got canned...I just couldn't concentrate.

My teacher took off points when I spilled my juice on my Calculus homework...

... Apparently, I shouldn't drink and derive.

I asked my kids, "Why isn't an iPhone charger...?"

"...called Apple Juice?!"

I used to work at an orange juice factory but was fired because I couldn't concentrate.

So I tried my hand at being a lumberjack. I couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
Then i gave being a barber a go. But I didn't cut it.
I was then hired as a tailor and found I wasn't suited for the job.

A long time ago, a father, visiting America from Europe for...

...the very first time, went up and down the aisles with his son-in-law at the local store.

He constantly asked questions about products he saw: "Vas diss? Powdered orange juice?"

"Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh 'orange juice.'"

A few minutes later, in a different aisle: "Und vas dis? Powdered milk?"

"Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!"

A few minutes later, in a different aisle: "Und give a look here! Baby Powder! Vat a country, vat a country!"

What kind of juice does hitler drink?

Concentrated juice.

Conveyor Belt

A man was shopping at his local supermarket where he selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

He unloaded his items on the conveyor belt to check out, and the cashier said "You must be single."

The young man was a bit startled by this proclamation,
but he was intrigued by the check-out girl's intuition, since he was indeed single. He looked at his six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about his selections that could have tipped off the cashier.

Curiosity getting the better of him, he said "Well, you
know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The cashier replied, "Cause you're ugly."

What is the richest beverage?

Juice.

Why do neo-Nazis always order milk at the cafeteria?

They hate the juice.

How are synagogues like lemons?

They're full of acidic juice.

A World War II Pun

A German child was playing outside. Eventully, he was so exhausted that he went inside and asked his mother for a drink. She brings him a cup of water. After a sip, he asks "Mother, why can't I have something sweeter?" She replies, "I couldn't give you anything else because our FΓΌhrer does not want us to have juice in our house."

First Day On The Job

Steve just got a job at the beverage factory and is getting a tour from the manager on his first day. The manager spends this time explaining the different assembly lines.

"Over here," the manager says, "is the lemonade assembly line. we take the product, package it up and prepare it to ship. To the right we're canning juice concentrates. On this side we have the soda line, bottles and cans and such."

"Wow, you guys produce a lot of drinks," says Steve.

"You bet, name a drink and we probably have an assembly line for it."

"Do you have a punch line?"

"Nope."

A bartender squeezes all the juice from a lemon

And says, "I'll give a thousand bucks to whoever can squeeze another drop from this lemon." All the strongest men in the bar took turns trying, but nobody could even squeeze a single drop. The bartender thought he'd won, when an thin, wiry old man walked up from the back. He grabbed the lemon, and six drops were squeezed out. Flabbergasted, the bartender asked, "How did you do that? What did you do for a living? Were you a lumberjack, or a body builder?" The old man smiled, and said, "I worked for the IRS."

What kind of orange juice do Jews drink?

All kinds, just not concentrated

I have a drinking problem and I need help.

If Bob has drunk 2 cups of orange juice and Steve has drunk 3, and each cup has the juice of 4 oranges, how many oranges did the buy?

Best part of banging a milf

What's the best part of having sex with a milf?

Leaving with a juice box and bagged lunch in the morning!

Earlier today I really needed a drink to quench my thirst and apple juice wasn't really doing it for me

but OJ did it

Why do orthodox rabbis like lemonade so much?

Because, it's acidic juice.

A Saudi king let me juice up my phone with his portable power source.

I was charged with a Sultan battery.

Banana juice

My Slovak girlfriend told me this today. I think it's an old one where she come from:

A farmer is riding his horse and cart through his village while carrying a large metal flask. A policeman sees this and stops him. "What's in the flask?" he asks suspiciously. "Is it alcohol? You know it's forbidden to ride a horse and cart while you're drunk."

"It's just Banana juice", replies the farmer innocently.

"I don't believe you", says the policeman, and grabs the flask from the farmer. He takes a huge swig, and grimaces at what he's just swallowed. "Urgh! That's disgusting!"

"It's just Banana juice", repeats the farmer.

"Doesn't taste like bananas to me", says the policeman, "but it doesn't taste of alcohol either. So I'll have to let you go."

"Thank you very much", says the farmer with a smile, as his flask is returned to him. Then he gathers up the reins, gives them a flick, and says to his horse, "Giddy up, Banana!"

At a carnival, a strongman cuts a lemon in half.

He then takes one half and squeezes it as hard as he can. He turns to the crowd and says:
"A hundred dollars for any man or woman who can squeeze a single drop of juice into this glass!"

Several men confidently walk up to the stage, but none of them manage to complete the challenge, despite their big muscles. Eventually, a tiny, frail looking gentleman walks up to the stage. The strongman laughs, but gives him a go. To everyone's surprise, the man squeezes the lemon and almost fills the entire glass.

Stunned, the strongman asks the obvious winner of the challenge how he managed that.

"Oh, that's easy." Replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

Never question a drunk!

A 37 year old woman at the super market says: NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK . . . . I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. Can of coffee
A 1 lb. Package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated -- 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found "Mr. Right." I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.....

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said -- 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied -- 'Cause you're ugly'.

Single or Married ?

A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon. As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a drunk standing behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single."
The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on earth did you know?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."

My friend told me this joke about a party host who made his guests line up for juice...

I can't seem to remember the entire joke, but all I know is that there was a long punch line.

I lost my job at the orange juice factory

They said I couldn't concentrate

Lemon drops

So a man walks into a bar and sees a big tough guy standing next to a glass and some lemons.

"What's with the lemons?" he asks.

"Its a challenge." replied the bartender. "This here is the strongest man in the world. He will squeeze as much juice from half a lemon into the glass as he can, and if you can squeeze out even one more drop, you win free drinks for the rest of the year."

The man watched several other strong looking men try the challenge, and all of them lost miserably.

"I accept" replied the man.

The bartender snorted a bit seeing as the man weighed little over 120 pounds and had very little muscle mass.

The strong man squeezed almost a third of a glass of juice from the lemon and when he was done, handed the lemon to the scrawny man.

He took the lemon and sized it up in his hand, and squeezed almost 5 drops from it.

The strong man reeled and replied "Wow! You are stronger than you look! I went easy on you."

"Fine. " said the skinny man, "Try again if you would like."

So the strong man then spent a food 3 minutes squeezing the lemon more than he had for any of the other men.

Once he was convinced even he could not summon even another drop from the lemon, he handed it to the skinny man.

The man then proceeded to squeeze another 3 drops from the lemon.

"Amazing!" cried the bartender. "I guess you can have free drinks for a year! What is your secret though? How did you do it?"

"I'm an IRS agent" the man replied.

A Girl and a Stoner Were Going on a Blind Date

The stoner suggested they meet at a buffet, and told her he will be the guy walking around with orange juice.

When he got there, they were out of orange juice so he got lemonade instead.

The girl came in and she was ugly, so the stoner kept his mouth shut.

She saw that he was the only one walking around with a drink so she came up to him and asked if he was the guy she hooked up with.

To which he replies: I'm sorry ma'am, you got the wrong guy. This is lemonade, not orange juice.

Grandma and her birth control pills

Grandma scheduled the first visit with the new doctor in town. The doctor's office told her to bring a list of her medications with her for the consultation. The doctor was reading the list and came upon one prescription. "Pardon me, but do you realize these are birth control pills?" asked the doctor. Grandma said, "yes, but I need them so I can get a good night's sleep."

The doctor said, "there's nothing in these pills which would cause you to sleep." Grandma said, "that may well be, but, when I take one and grind it up in my 16-year-old granddaughter's orange juice, I sleep better at night."

A chemist went to see a doctor

"Doctor, I don't feel thirst and keep finding myself always dehydrated". "Drink 8 glasses of fluid a day as a guideline" adviced the doctor.

"Can I count in fruit juice?" asked the man. "Since they do contain a bit of sugar, don't forget to supplement the fluid intake with H20 too" replied the doctor.

"You sure doc? I have to drink H20 too?" the man queried. "Yes, it is vital to your bodily functions, 8 glasses a day should be enough" the doctor answered. Trusting the doctor, the chemist trusted the doctor and followed the advice.

A few days later, the chemist was found dead in his apartment due to hydrogen peroxide poisoning.

He took the doctor's advice two litrerally.

The next person

The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade and a slice of orange in the same cup is gonna get a punch.

Muhammad, Jesus and Buddha walks into a bar...

The bartender asks each of them what they want.

Muhammad orders a glass of cranberry juice.

Jesus orders a glass of water, and promptly turns it into wine.

Then the bartender asks Buddha, "what do you want?"

Buddha replies, "Make me one with everything."

So a Woman had a black eye...

A woman walked into her docters office with a black eye. The doctor said, is he beating you, she replied "Yes."

The next day the woman came back with ANOTHER black eye. This time the doctor said, "I know what to do to help you."
She replied, "Oh really, what?"
The doctor says, "Fill your mouth with Grape juice before you get home, and dont let the grape juice come out of your mouth at all. After he goes to bed, you can spit it out."

The next day, the woman comes back and says, "Oh my God, it worked, how did you know!"

The doctor says, "See, look what happens when you keep your mouth shut."

What kind of juice can get away with murder?

OJ

I have a friend named Phillip

He loves mixing orange juice and vodka. Loves it so much that he had a special glass made with his face on it.

It's always nice to see Phillip's head screwdrivers.

How to make Juice jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Juice to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Juice? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Juice pick up lines to share with friends.

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