Uplifting Juice Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.
I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn't suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn't cut it as barber; didn't have the patience to be a doctor; didn't fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn't see any future as a historian.
4 out of 5 urologists...
...smell their apple juice before they drink it.
I used to work at an orange juice factory but was fired because I couldn't concentrate.
So I tried my hand at being a lumberjack. I couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
Then i gave being a barber a go. But I didn't cut it.
I was then hired as a tailor and found I wasn't suited for the job.
This Joke Is A Real Lemon
A barman was very proud of the fact that he could squeeze a lemon so that no more juice would come out of it He made a standing offer of $1000 to anyone who could get more juice out of a lemon after he'd squeezed it. Every night big, burly regulars at the bar attempted to get more juice from a lemon he'd squeezed, but no one could produce so much as a drop. But one night, a little bloke walked in and said he'd heard of the standing offer and would like to try. The barman said 'How do you think you could succeed when all these blokes have failed?' And the little guy said: 'Just give me a chance and I'll show you'.
So the barman, thinking his regulars would enjoy the joke, picked up a lemon and squeezed it. After squeezing all the juice he could out of it, he handed the dried ring to the little bloke and said: 'Here you go.' The little bloke took the lemon and squeezed it and managed to get one, two, three for fix, SIX more drops of juice. Amazed, the barman said: 'Well, here's your $1000. But what do you do for a living? Are you a professional bodybuilder or what?' And the little bloke said: 'No, I work for the Tax Department.'
A little boy wants his toy,
A little boy wants his toy, so he walks up to his mother and says "Mom, give me my toy." His mother responds by saying, "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words and his mom gives him his toy.
The next day, the little boy starts kindergarten. At snack time, the little boy wants some juice, so he walks up to his teacher and asks for a juice box. The teacher says "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words. But the teacher gets upset, and calls the little boy's mother and asks her to come in.
When the three of them are sitting in the room together, the teacher asks the mother; "Have you been teaching your son sarcasm?"
"No," the mother says, "Why, what did he do?"
"Well, he asked for a juicebox," said the teacher, "and I asked him to say the magic words, and instead of saying please, he said 'you're thin and you're beautiful.'"
Bag Boy
This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is really excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.The manager says no. The bagger says, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager answers, "I'm sorry, son, but baggers can't be juicers."
What kind of juice does h**... drink?
Concentrated juice.
A World War II Pun
A German child was playing outside. Eventully, he was so exhausted that he went inside and asked his mother for a drink. She brings him a cup of water. After a sip, he asks "Mother, why can't I have something sweeter?" She replies, "I couldn't give you anything else because our Führer does not want us to have juice in our house."
How are synagogues like lemons?
They're full of acidic juice.
My teacher took off points when I spilled my juice on my Calculus homework...
... Apparently, I shouldn't drink and derive.
How did h**... like his orange juice?
Concentrated.
You can explore juice juicer reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean juice lemon dad jokes. There are also juice puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why do orthodox rabbis like lemonade so much?
Because, it's acidic juice.
What was h**...'s favorite kind of juice?
Concentrated.
Best part of b**... a m**...
What's the best part of having s**... with a m**...?
Leaving with a juice box and bagged lunch in the morning!
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
It ran out of juice.
I shall take my leave now.
What kind of orange juice do Jews drink?
All kinds, just not concentrated
Q: why did the blond stare at her orange juice for 2 hours?
A: because it said "concentrate"
What is the richest beverage?
Juice.
I Just got fired from the orange juice factory.
They said I could not concentrate
Whata country..
You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.
He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"
You know why I drink apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you
A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people
and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'
Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, 'Who are you?'
The second man replied, 'Income tax officer.'
My first job was working in an orange juice factory.
I got canned...I just couldn't concentrate.
A boy was b**... groceries at a supermarket.
One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.
Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.
Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
Why do they call almond milk, almond milk?
Because nut juice just wouldn't be appropriate.
I got fired from the juice factory today
I just couldn't concentrate
I asked my kids, "Why isn't an iPhone charger...?"
"...called Apple Juice?!"
What is h**...'s least favourite drink?
Juice.
I had to quit my job at the Orange Juice factory, it was too distracting there.
I just couldn't concentrate.
Why do neo-n**... drink milk?
Because they hate juice
Earlier today I really needed a drink to quench my thirst and apple juice wasn't really doing it for me
but OJ did it
Why do doctors recommend apple juice?
Cause OJ will kill you.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
What do you get if you squeeze a synagogue?
Juice!
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
He asks for a coke and a mango juice for his newt Tiny.
The bartender asks Why is he called Tiny?
And the man replies Because he's my newt!
Why do neo-n**... always order milk at the cafeteria?
They hate the juice.
What does h**... drink with his breakfast?
Milk because he doesn't like juice
Why is almond milk called almond milk?
Because no one can say "nut juice" with a straight face
What's the difference between an orange and the Torah?
One can make acidic juice and the other can make Hasidic Jews
(Just made this up today)
Just invented a new drink. v**..., cranberry juice, lime, and rohypnol.
Its called the Cosbypolitan
I have a drinking problem and I need help.
If Bob has drunk 2 cups of orange juice and Steve has drunk 3, and each cup has the juice of 4 oranges, how many oranges did the buy?
I recently quit my job at the orange juice factory......
I just couldn't concentrate.
I know why they call it Almond Milk
Cause you can't say Nut Juice with a straight face.
Yesterday I sinned with an 18year old girl.
Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.
The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.
Man: And that frees me from my sin?
Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
Lack of concentration.
What did Jim Carey say when his typewriter broke?
I'll writey then!
My girlfriend just came up with that on a juice run to the kitchen :\]
Me- Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?
Alexa- apple juice
Why was the man fired from the orange juice factory?
Because he couldn't concentrate.
Two pieces of Road walk into a bar
They order two large beers and talk loudly, they are the toughest pieces of road in the building.
15 minutes later, a small piece of pavement walks through and asks for a small orange juice. When the roads see him, they move into the corner and stay quiet.
The bartender notices this and goes over to them and says I thought you two were the toughest they come, why are you scared of that small, quiet guy? They respond with:
You should be careful with him, He's a Cycle Path
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
today i mixed holy water and prune juice to make a new drink
it gave me a religious movement
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.
When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."
I have found that I have been happier since I switched from coffee to orange juice.
My Dr. explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it's the v**....
I found I have been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice.
My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars , but I really think it's the v**...
I once got fired from a canned juice company
Apparently, I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'
I wonder
Do oranges want to be juice or they pressured into it?
Why do they call it almond milk?
Cuz no one can say nut juice with a straight face....
A man walks into a church confessional
He says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night."
The priest is silent for a moment and then says, "Go home, cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it all down in one gulp."
"And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.
"No" replies the priest, "but it will wipe that smirk off your face."
I've found that I'm a lot happier
Since I switched from coffee to orange juice in the mornings. My doctor said it's because of the citrus and natural sugars. I think it's just the v**....
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I got canned.
They put the squeeze on me because I couldn't concentrate.
What Star Wars charactor likes orange juice the most?
Emperor Pulpatine
I accidentally splashed pickle juice in my eyes
Now I'm brined.
The orange juice complained to his therapist that no one wanted to drink him because he had too much pulp.
He was so depressed that he wanted to throw himself from the highest refrigerated shelf.
Try to restrain yourself, said the therapist.
Why did the blonde keep staring into the refrigerator?
Because the orange juice said concentrate.
I recently had a dream that I was swimming in a sea of carbonated orange juice.
Turns out it was just a Fanta sea
Little Johnny was talking to a neighbor.
He asked her, "What do you feed your new baby"? The woman replied, "Milk and orange juice". Johnny looked at her b**... then looked up and asked, "which one's the orange juice"?
My wife left a note on the fridge...
"This is not working, I'm going to my mom's house."
I opened the fridge door, the light was on, the juice was cold. What the h**... did she mean?
A man sat down in a restaurant and the waiter came over to the table.
The man says, "I'd like tomato juice, scrambled eggs with spinach, and some cherry pie."
"But you haven't looked at the menu yet," said the waiter.
"No, but I've looked at the tablecloth," replies the man.
So I'm standing here waiting for fruit juice when my buddy asks where we are.
I told him we're in the punchline.
I got fired from the juice factory
I wasn't concentrating on the job
Yo mama so dumb
that she spent 5 hours staring at a glass of orange juice because it said 'concentrate' on the package.
