Judging Jokes

What are some Judging jokes?

Police report: There was a robbery in the sex shop.

Judging by items that were stolen, perp was alone. Alone for a long time

Mike Tyson was arrested at a 5th grade sitting bee his first time judging

The word was Dictate.

[Spelling Bee Contestant] Can you use it in a sentence?

[Mike Tyson] She liked the way my Dictate

A nude lady enters the costume party behind the turtle

She has nothing but a monkey covering her pubic area.

The host takes one puzzled look.

"Alright, I give up. Judging by what I asked the turtle, I may regret asking this, but what are you supposed to be?"

"I'm an Italian boy!"

"What's with the monkey?"

"That'sa not a monkey! That's a macaque!"

Flying Blind

A Frenchman, Englishman, and an American are flying in an airplane on a cloudy, storming night when suddenly the plane is struck by lightning.

The pilot turns to his three passengers and says, "The plane's GPS is broken. I need each of you to stick your hand out the door, feel around, and tell me which city we are flying over judging by what you touch."

The Frenchman goes first. He opens the door, puts his hand outside of the door, and brings it in a minute later. "We're flying over Paris! I could feel the Eiffel Tower!"

The Englishman is next. He sticks his hand outside and draws it back in a minute later. "I just touched Big Ben! We are just over London!"

Finally, it is the American's turn. He shoves his hand outside the plane and brings it back in immediately. "We're flying over Detroit. I know because my watch just got stolen."

My 35 year old friend and his 22 year old girlfriend had their meal out completely ruined by strangers judging them for their age gap.

It completely ruined their 10 year anniversary.

Judging by the mess in the living room.

Babies don't bounce.

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Judging by your face, you hit pretty hard.

Blondes

A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask the questions. On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, "What is 59 + 2?" The first blonde contestant responded by saying, "57?" The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!" Then they asked, "What is 15 - 5?" The blonde responded, "20, right?" Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!" The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, "What is 1 + 2?" "Is it 3?" said the blonde. The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"

I got screwed by a man in a wig yesterday...

He was judging me the whole time.

What's the difference between a bug and an insect?

Judging by Table 5's reactions, not a lot.

A man says to his psychologist...

"I keep thinking about killing my wife. Sometimes, I even mime out bashing her brains in with a brick"

"I'm absolutely certain that you're not capable of that" replied the psychologist.

"You're sure?"

"Yes, judging by what you've told me, she's far too hardheaded for that to work"

Judging from everything I've seen in the news...

Florida Man is the worst super hero ever.

Woman: How old would you say I am?

Woman: How old would you say I am?
Man: Hmmm... Judging by your eyes, I'd say 25, your skin, 20, and your body, 18.
Woman: Wow. You really know how to seduce a ...
Man: (interrupting) Hold on a sec while I add up these numbers.

It's kinda ironic that 12 kid football team got trapped by water

Judging by the World Cup, I thought every team knew how to dive

My girlfriend asked me if I had a secret pet name for her.

Judging by the look on her face, 'sperm
whale' was not an appropriate answer.

I played golf with a guy in a wheelchair today

He must not play much judging by the silence I was met with when I asked him what his handicap is.

Judging by how expensive this year's iPhones are...

It's no wonder why they're called the iPhone Excess and iPhone Excess Max

Judging by the sounds, there's an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.

Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.

Why are women bad at judging distance?

(_hold your hands about 3 inches apart_)

They were taught that's 8 inches.

Well out driving with my father we came across the sign that said U-turn okay.

I told my father I thought it was a bit pretentious for a road sign to be judging people on their driving abilities.

Before judging a fat person, try walking a mile...

around their waistline. If you're still walking, go ahead and laugh.

I met up with a bear I met on Tinder.

When I got there I think she showed me she meant to swipe left judging by the scar on my face.

What does the dictionary like when judging bodybuilders?

Definition.

How to make Judging jokes?

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