Judge Jokes

Following is our collection of judgment humor and gavel one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Judge puns for adults, dirty honour jokes or clean trial gags for kids.

There is an abundance of courtroom jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 84 funniest jokes on judge. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any prosecution witze you can hear about judge.

The Best jokes about Judge

A man is on trial for cannibalism

A man is on trial for cannibalism.
He says to the judge,

"Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man."

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.


A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".

Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong...

I don't judge. Whatever floats your goat.

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"

She replied: "No, first a Gibson, and then a Fender."

The doctor gave me 5 month to live.

So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.

And the judge gave me 25 years.

Problem solved.

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."


Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...

and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors

But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.

Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

Just had the following conversation in court

Judge: State your name.

Me: Not Guilty


Judge: What?


Me: I had it legally changed.


Judge: You're Not Guilty?


Me: Thanks, I'm outta here

My doctor said I only have 2 months to live...

So I shot him.

The judge gave me 30years.

A man auditioned for a talent show

A man auditioned for a talent show and when he walked on to the stage the judge asked him what was his talent. The man replied "I do bird impressions".The judge said "Thats not something we would be interested in". The man said "Thats ok" and flew out the window.

Little boy in custody battle.

Hey mother and father were in a heated custody battle for their son. The judge asks the little boy,"Do you want to go live with your mother?". Little boy replied,"No she beats me." The judge says "Oh,do you want to live with your dad?". Once again the little boy replied " No, he beats me." so the judge asks,"Well who do you want to live with?". Little boy looks at the judge and says, "The Dallas Cowboys they don't beat anybody."

I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.

Judge gave me 30 years.

So I mean who's the real winner here?

Judgement day

Peter is on trial. He's on trial because he shot his wife when he caught her in bed with another guy.
The judge wants to know; "why did you shoot your wife?".
"Well, " Peter replies, "it seemed easier to shoot her once, than to shoot a different guy every week".


My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her

And according to the judge, she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend

I OBJECT! the defendant screams in court.

The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, No…you human.

My doctor said I have 2 weeks to live...

So I shot him. Problem solved, the judge gave me 20 years.

A man has been found guilty of overusing commas

The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

An identity thief and a rapist get convicted in a poor town...

The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the rapist in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts and says, "Hey! You can't do that!" The girl asks, "Why not?" And the cop says, "Because this is the punchline."

At the spelling bee

Judge: Your word is "there."

Me: In a sentence please.

Judge: They're parking their car over there.

A tip for Snowden.

Apparently he is traveling all of the world but if you never want to appear in front of an American judge there is only one place to go...



Guantanomo bay

A woman is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitars

The Judge asked "First time offender?"

She replied, "No, first time a Gibson, then a Fender."

Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!!

A cannibal in a courtroom

Representing himself, the cannibal was asked by the judge if he had anything to say.

"If the quote "You are what you eat" is true then I am an innocent man."

3 frogs get arrested

The first frog goes in and the judge asks him, "What's your name?" "Frog," he replies. "What did you do?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, your honor." With that, the judge lets him go.
The second frog goes in. "What's your name?" asks the judge. "Frog Frog." "What were you doing?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, sir." With that, the judge lets him go.
The third frog comes in. The judge says, "Let me guess, your name is Frog Frog Frog."
The frog says, "No, my name's Bubbles."

Death Joke

My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die.

Wow, what an evolved soul! How did it come to him?

The judge told him.

Judge going through the file of an accused

Judge: So what's your Name?
Accused: Mr. Fallchurges, your Honor. First name is Freo.
Judge: So you're Freo Fallchurges.
Accused: *standing up* Thank you, Your Honor.
Attorney: Heck, we almost got him this time

A woman is taken to court...

The judge asks, "What were you charged for?"

The women replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."

When the judge asked her how early, she said, "Before the store opened."

I got arrested last night for murder...

I can't remember too much, I was out drinking till late. Once I left the pub I saw two young men fighting. It took some effort but I successfully managed to separate them.

The judge says they were Siamese twins conjoined at the head.

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

The Police Officer took my weed, but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.

I was awarded Joint Custody.

A drunk is thrown in jail for public intoxication ...

... The next day he's brought into court and the judge says, "My good man, you've been brought here for drinking." He says, "Alright, judge, let's get started."

A man is sitting in the dock at court.

The judge asks the man for his occupation.
"I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies.
"And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires.
"I was making a bolt for the door".

California Condor

A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?" The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to eat and I looked up and saw this big bird over head so I shot it down and fed my family with it." The judge said, "That is a tough story. I am sorry for your situation and I will certainly take it into consideration when I sentence you, but by the way, I am a little curious as to what it tastes like." The man replied, "It's really not bad. Kind of a mix between a spotted owl and a baby seal."

If life was like middle school

Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?

Criminal: Nope

Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.

Victim: Wait- what? That doesn't make any sense! *He* attacked *me*!

Judge: I don't care who started it.

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes."

After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child.

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her womb.. The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and thinks for a moment and says if you put a dollar in a coke machine is the coke yours or the machines?

Three men are standing before a judge.

The judge asks the first man why he was arrested. " I blew bubbles in the park.", the man said.

"That is not a crime. You are free to go.", the judge replies. He then asks the second man why he was arrested.

"I also blew bubbles in the park.", he said. The judge said that he didn't break the law and was free to go. The judge then ask the third man why he was arrested.

"I'm Bubbles."

After 5 years of marriage, a couple filed for divorce.

The court was finalizing their divorce when the Judge looked to the couple and said; "You've got 3 kids, how will you divide them?"

The couple then had a long conversation between the two of them. "We'll be back after 1 year." They said.

9 months later, they had twins.

My doctor said I have 12 months to live so I raped him

The judge gave me 40 years, I beat the system

My doctor told me I had 10 hours left to live...

So I killed him and the judge gave me 30 years.ο»Ώ

An international conference was being held..

In which USA, North Korea, Europe and Africa were taking part.

The judge said,"I would like to hear your opinions about shortage of food in the rest of the world, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask us".

African president asked, "What is food?".

Europe asked, "What is Short?".

USA asked, "What is the rest of the world?".

North Korea asked, "What is Opinion?".

Grandpa

Me: My grandpa knew the exact time, day and year he was going to die!

Teacher: What an evolved soul? How'd he know?

Me: The judge told him.

A judge is reprimanding the defendant in a trial: I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again!

Your Honor, the defendant says, that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen.

Attorney: My client is trapped in a penny

Judge: What?

Attorney: He's in a cent.

Jewish Judge

Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, HONEST Jewish Judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So, the Judge said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers became uncomfortable.

" You, attorney John, gave me $ 50,000 and you, attorney Sam, gave me $ 60,000."

The judge now reached into his pocket and pulled out $ 10,000, He handed it to attorney Sam and said...

"Now that I'm returning $ 10,000, we're going to decide this case solely on its merits.

He has a point...

Judge: "Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?"

Juror: "I don't want to be away from my job that long."

Judge: "Can't they do without you at work?"

Juror: "Yes, but I don't want them to know it."

What did the judge put in his drink?

Just ice

What do cannibals put in their soup?

Ramen!

--------

Before you judge harshly, I would like to state that this was invented by a six year old, all on his own, no coaching.

It was Christmas day.....

and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

Little Billy started playing organ when he was 5

Little Billy started playing organ when he was 5. He practiced and practiced every day. He had heard of this orchestra from his town that was really hard to get accepted into. This made him want to practice and practice even more. He even got private lessons with a skilled organist. Finally, the day came. He went to the audition room and started to play, but no sound would come out. The organ was broken. The judge immediately arranged for another organ. As Billy began to play, the organ also creaked and then ceased to make a sound. The judge arranged for yet another organ for Billy, but that one broke down as well. The judge suddenly collapsed to the ground.

At the hospital, the doctors pronounced the judge dead and performed an autopsy.

"The cause of death appears to be multiple organ failure."

A drunk is brought to court...

The judge says "you've been brought here for drinking" to which the drunk replies "when can we start!"

Jesus vs Satan

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

Chemistry Jokes

Me :Is it a crime to throw Sodium Chloride at a woman?
Judge: Yes, that's assault
Me: I know it's a salt but is it a crime?

How do you move a sleeping cow?

*Use a bulldozer.*

Yes I came up with this joke and yes I'm proud. Don't judge!

"Your word is their..."

"Your word is their," said the spelling bee judge.
The contestant, confused, asked for a sentence.
"They're looking for their dog over there," replied the judge.

A man and his ex-wife are negotiating child custody

The judge first asks the ex-wife to give him a reason why she should get the child.
**"Your honour, naturally, since I had to go through excruciating pain to bring this child into the world, I should get to keep the child."**
The judge is almost convinced but has to see the man's side first. The judge asks the man why he should receive custody of the child. The man thinks long and hard. Finally, he speaks up:
**"Your honour, if you went to a vending machine and put in a dollar and got a Coke, whose drink is it?"**

A man is sued and goes to court...

A man is sued for calling a lady a cow during a heated exchange at work. The man is asked by the judge to pay a small fine to the madam which he does immediately. Just before leaving the courtroom, the man and the judge have the following conversation:

"Your honor, may I ask you a question?"

"By all means sir"

"If i were to call a cow a madam, would I still have to pay a fine?"

"Of course not, that's crazy"

"Thank you your honor"

The man then turns to the woman and says:

"Have a good day madam"

And proceeds to walk out of tthe courtroom





(My dad just told me this in Serbian and it sounded better but this sort of works. Hope you get some gags!)

So three ducks go to court...

The first duck goes up to the platform and the judge says, "Okay why are you here and tell me your name." The duck says, "My name is Quack and I was found blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge says, "Okay you're sentenced to six months."

A second duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Tell me your name and why you are here." The duck says, "My name is Quack Quack and I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond too." The judge says, "Alright you're sentenced to six months too just like the other guy."

The third duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Don't tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack." The duck goes, "No your honor, I'm Bubbles."

A 10 years old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom in Pennsylvania yesterday

.... when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life his family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia 76ers whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

My doctor told me I only had a year to live

So I killed him and the judge gave me 40 years

During a custody battle...

A mother and father are sitting with a judge during a custody battle

Mom: Sir, I went through hours of pain and suffering to bring my daughter into this world. I should have full custody.

Judge: Do you have anything to say in your defense?

Father: When you put money into a vending machine and a Coke comes out, who does the coke belong to. You or the vending machine?

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.

The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and
the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician,
charged with
battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put
this man in a dry
cell!"

Adult book store

Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:
"What is your name?" he asked.
"George," the guy answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke," he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"George," the guy answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke," he answered.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is begining to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; George," he said.
"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."

Three ducks got arrested and had to go to court

The first duck gets up on the stand, the judge says "Tell me your name and what you did wrong." The first duck says "my name is Quack, and I got busted for blowing bubbles in the pond." Judge says "Ok, you go to jail for 3 days."

The second duck gets on the stand and the judge asks the same thing. The duck says "My name is Quack Quack, and I got caught blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge sends him to jail for 3 days.

The third duck gets up on the stand and the judge says "Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack?" The duck says "Nah, I'm Bubbles."

A couple after a divorce are at court over who could keep the child.

So the mother goes:" i carried that child for 9 long months and gave birth to it under a lot of pain. I should keep it.

The judge asks the father if he has anything to add.

The father calmly replies:" let me explain this situation with a metaphor; if you walk up to a coca-cola machine, put in a dollar and a coke comes out, does the coke belong to you or the machine?"

Went to see the doctor last week, he gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.

Today the judge gave me life in prison, problem solved.

A Chinese farmer tells a judge he wants a divorce...

So the judge asks him why. The farmer says, "I'm just a simple farmer, I never went to school, and I don't know very much. But I do know this: when I plant corn, I get corn; when I plant rice, I get rice; now when I plant Chinese boy and black boy comes out, something's wrong."

3 Ducks Sitting at a Courthouse

The Judge calls up the first duck

Judge: "state your name and your offense."

Duck 1: "My name is Quack and I blew bubbles at the pond."

Judge: "okay 1 week community service and off you go."

Judge calls up the second duck

Judge: "State your name and your offense."

Duck 2: "My name is Quack Quack and I blew bubbles at the pond."

Judge: "okay, same sentence. Now, off you go."

Judge calls up the third duck

Judge: "Dont tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack and you blew bubbles at the pond too"

Duck 3: "Nope! My name is Bubbles."

Three prisoners

There men are sentenced to 10 years in prison. However, the judge has allowed them an unlimited supply of whatever they want, within reason. The first man requests any meals he wants, it is granted. The second man requests any drinks he wants, it is granted. The third man requests any cigarettes he wants, and it is granted.

Ten years later, the prisoners are released. The first man is let out of his cell, much fatter than before.

The second man is released... stumbles three steps, and falls over.

The third man is released from his cell, walks out, and asks "does anyone have a lighter?"

Three Ducks are in Court

They are about to take to the stand against Judge Swan.

The first duck steps up.

What is your name and why are you here? , said Judge Swan

My name is Quack and I'm here for blowing bubbles in the pond

Judge Swan waves her hand, signaling for the next duck.

The second duck steps up.

What is your name and why are you here? , said Judge Swan

My name is Quack Quack and I'm here for blowing bubbles in the pond

Judge Swan waves her hand, signaling for the last duck.

The last duck steps up.

Lemme guess, is your name Quack Quack Quack? asked Judge Swan.

No, my name is Bubbles

A Defendant in a Lawsuit . . .

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"

Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them.", replied the man.

"What?" shouted the lawyer.

"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."

I shoplifted 23 cans of Pepsi from the store and got arrested, but the judge dropped the charge

He knew i stole 23 cans of Pepsi, but he said that doesn't make a case.

Quack Quack Quack

Three ducks are in court.
The first duck goes up to the judge.
The judge asks, "What's your name"?
The first duck replies, "Quack"
The judge asks, " What did you do, Quack"?
Quack says, "I got caught blowing bubbles at the pond".
The judge sentences Quack to 3 months in jail.
The second duck comes up to the judge and the judge asks him his name.
The second duck says, "Quack Quack".
The judge asked, "What did you do, Quack Quack"?
Quack Quack replied, "I got caught blowing bubbles at the pond too".
The judge sentenced Quack Quack to 3 months.
The third duck goes up to the judge and judge says, "Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack"
The third duck replies, "No, my name is Bubbles".

You can't judge a book by its cover

Now you can't even assume it's a book

Judge: "You have been found unanimously guilty of using clickbait, and I sentence you to death by electric chair."

What happens next will shock you.

At my trial the judge asked me how i justified using force to get women to sleep with me...

Apparently "Because I'm a Jedi" wasn't a good enough excuse

Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny

Judge: What?

Lawyer: He's in a cent

Judge: You're going to jail with him



^^^^Totally ^^^^my ^^^^own ^^^^work ^^^^and ^^^^not ^^^^a ^^^^repost ^^^^by ^^^^any ^^^^mean

shoplifting

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket.
When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'
She replied, 'A can of peaches.'
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied that there were six.
The judge said, 'Then I will give you six days in jail.'
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, 'What is it?'
The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes