The Best 91 Judge Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Judge jokes. There are some judge gavel jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these judge judge judy puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Judge Jokes and Puns

A man is on trial for cannibalism

A man is on trial for cannibalism.
He says to the judge,

"Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man."

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.

Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...

and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

jokes about judge

Little boy in custody battle.

Hey mother and father were in a heated custody battle for their son. The judge asks the little boy,"Do you want to go live with your mother?". Little boy replied,"No she beats me." The judge says "Oh,do you want to live with your dad?". Once again the little boy replied " No, he beats me." so the judge asks,"Well who do you want to live with?". Little boy looks at the judge and says, "The Dallas Cowboys they don't beat anybody."


Jesus vs Satan

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

I got arrested last night for murder...

I can't remember too much, I was out drinking till late. Once I left the pub I saw two young men fighting. It took some effort but I successfully managed to separate them.

The judge says they were Siamese twins conjoined at the head.

Judge joke, I got arrested last night for murder...

My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her

And according to the judge, she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."

Grandpa

Me: My grandpa knew the exact time, day and year he was going to die!

Teacher: What an evolved soul? How'd he know?

Me: The judge told him.

A tip for Snowden.

Apparently he is traveling all of the world but if you never want to appear in front of an American judge there is only one place to go...

Guantanomo bay

You can explore judge judgment reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean judge honour dad jokes. There are also judge puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I OBJECT! the defendant screams in court.

The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, No…you human.

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child.

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her womb.. The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and thinks for a moment and says if you put a dollar in a coke machine is the coke yours or the machines?

He has a point...

Judge: "Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?"

Juror: "I don't want to be away from my job that long."

Judge: "Can't they do without you at work?"

Juror: "Yes, but I don't want them to know it."

Judgement day

Peter is on trial. He's on trial because he shot his wife when he caught her in bed with another guy.
The judge wants to know; "why did you shoot your wife?".
"Well, " Peter replies, "it seemed easier to shoot her once, than to shoot a different guy every week".

It was Christmas day.....

and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

Judge joke, It was Christmas day.....

How do you move a sleeping cow?

*Use a bulldozer.*

Yes I came up with this joke and yes I'm proud. Don't judge!

If life was like middle school

Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?

Criminal: Nope

Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.

Victim: Wait- what? That doesn't make any sense! *He* attacked *me*!

Judge: I don't care who started it.

An identity thief and a rapist get convicted in a poor town...

The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the rapist in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts and says, "Hey! You can't do that!" The girl asks, "Why not?" And the cop says, "Because this is the punchline."


Three men are standing before a judge.

The judge asks the first man why he was arrested. " I blew bubbles in the park.", the man said.

"That is not a crime. You are free to go.", the judge replies. He then asks the second man why he was arrested.

"I also blew bubbles in the park.", he said. The judge said that he didn't break the law and was free to go. The judge then ask the third man why he was arrested.

"I'm Bubbles."

A drunk is brought to court...

The judge says "you've been brought here for drinking" to which the drunk replies "when can we start!"

Little Billy started playing organ when he was 5

Little Billy started playing organ when he was 5. He practiced and practiced every day. He had heard of this orchestra from his town that was really hard to get accepted into. This made him want to practice and practice even more. He even got private lessons with a skilled organist. Finally, the day came. He went to the audition room and started to play, but no sound would come out. The organ was broken. The judge immediately arranged for another organ. As Billy began to play, the organ also creaked and then ceased to make a sound. The judge arranged for yet another organ for Billy, but that one broke down as well. The judge suddenly collapsed to the ground.

At the hospital, the doctors pronounced the judge dead and performed an autopsy.

"The cause of death appears to be multiple organ failure."

A cannibal in a courtroom

Representing himself, the cannibal was asked by the judge if he had anything to say.

"If the quote "You are what you eat" is true then I am an innocent man."

Death Joke

My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die.

Wow, what an evolved soul! How did it come to him?

The judge told him.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"

She replied: "No, first a Gibson, and then a Fender."

A woman is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitars

The Judge asked "First time offender?"

She replied, "No, first time a Gibson, then a Fender."

Judge joke, A woman is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitars

A man is sitting in the dock at court.

The judge asks the man for his occupation.
"I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies.
"And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires.
"I was making a bolt for the door".

What do cannibals put in their soup?

Ramen!

--------

Before you judge harshly, I would like to state that this was invented by a six year old, all on his own, no coaching.

A man has been found guilty of overusing commas

The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.


I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.

Judge gave me 30 years.

So I mean who's the real winner here?

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

A judge is reprimanding the defendant in a trial: I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again!

Your Honor, the defendant says, that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen.

A drunk is thrown in jail for public intoxication ...

... The next day he's brought into court and the judge says, "My good man, you've been brought here for drinking." He says, "Alright, judge, let's get started."

Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong...

I don't judge. Whatever floats your goat.


Just had the following conversation in court

Judge: State your name.

Me: Not Guilty

Judge: What?

Me: I had it legally changed.

Judge: You're Not Guilty?

Me: Thanks, I'm outta here

A woman is taken to court...

The judge asks, "What were you charged for?"

The women replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."

When the judge asked her how early, she said, "Before the store opened."

My doctor told me I had 10 hours left to live...

So I killed him and the judge gave me 30 years.

An international conference was being held..

In which USA, North Korea, Europe and Africa were taking part.

The judge said,"I would like to hear your opinions about shortage of food in the rest of the world, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask us".

African president asked, "What is food?".

Europe asked, "What is Short?".

USA asked, "What is the rest of the world?".

North Korea asked, "What is Opinion?".

A man auditioned for a talent show

A man auditioned for a talent show and when he walked on to the stage the judge asked him what was his talent. The man replied "I do bird impressions".The judge said "Thats not something we would be interested in". The man said "Thats ok" and flew out the window.

My doctor said I only have 2 months to live...

So I shot him.

The judge gave me 30years.

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes."

After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors

But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.

Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

At the spelling bee

Judge: Your word is "there."

Me: In a sentence please.

Judge: They're parking their car over there.

Attorney: My client is trapped in a penny

Judge: What?

Attorney: He's in a cent.

What did the judge put in his drink?

Just ice

The doctor gave me 5 month to live.

So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.

And the judge gave me 25 years.

Problem solved.

Jewish Judge

Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, HONEST Jewish Judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So, the Judge said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers became uncomfortable.

" You, attorney John, gave me $ 50,000 and you, attorney Sam, gave me $ 60,000."

The judge now reached into his pocket and pulled out $ 10,000, He handed it to attorney Sam and said...

"Now that I'm returning $ 10,000, we're going to decide this case solely on its merits.

My doctor said I have 2 weeks to live...

So I shot him. Problem solved, the judge gave me 20 years.

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!!

My doctor said I have 12 months to live so I raped him

The judge gave me 40 years, I beat the system

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

Judge going through the file of an accused

Judge: So what's your Name?
Accused: Mr. Fallchurges, your Honor. First name is Freo.
Judge: So you're Freo Fallchurges.
Accused: *standing up* Thank you, Your Honor.
Attorney: Heck, we almost got him this time

The Police Officer took my weed, but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.

I was awarded Joint Custody.

California Condor

A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?" The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to eat and I looked up and saw this big bird over head so I shot it down and fed my family with it." The judge said, "That is a tough story. I am sorry for your situation and I will certainly take it into consideration when I sentence you, but by the way, I am a little curious as to what it tastes like." The man replied, "It's really not bad. Kind of a mix between a spotted owl and a baby seal."

3 frogs get arrested

The first frog goes in and the judge asks him, "What's your name?" "Frog," he replies. "What did you do?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, your honor." With that, the judge lets him go.
The second frog goes in. "What's your name?" asks the judge. "Frog Frog." "What were you doing?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, sir." With that, the judge lets him go.
The third frog comes in. The judge says, "Let me guess, your name is Frog Frog Frog."
The frog says, "No, my name's Bubbles."

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

Chemistry Jokes

Me :Is it a crime to throw Sodium Chloride at a woman?
Judge: Yes, that's assault
Me: I know it's a salt but is it a crime?

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".

After 5 years of marriage, a couple filed for divorce.

The court was finalizing their divorce when the Judge looked to the couple and said; "You've got 3 kids, how will you divide them?"

The couple then had a long conversation between the two of them. "We'll be back after 1 year." They said.

9 months later, they had twins.

Duchess

It's my cake day, so here's a joke for everybody. My dad told me this joke, but I haven't seen it any other places:

A man goes on trial for calling the Duchess a pig. The judge finds him guilty of slander and explains that if he ever calls the Duchess a pig again he'll be severely punished. The man then says to the judge, If I can't call the Duchess a pig, would I still get punished for calling a pig Duchess?

The judge publicly rules that he can indeed call a pig Duchess.

On his way out of the courtroom, the man walks by the royal plaintiff, tips his hat, and says Good day, Duchess.

Mario goes to court

The judge says: you must pay the court $12,000.

Mario, surpised, asks: Why?

The judge replies: It's a fine.

Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: No itsa not.

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!

Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.

A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.


Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child?


Ex wife: I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him


Judge: that is a simple yet good reason.


Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.


Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?


The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies


Ex Husband: if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?

A guy murders his parents.

He is presented in front of a judge and he begs the judge to show mercy while delivering his punishment.

The judge says to him, "You killed your own parents. Why would I show mercy to you?"

The guy looks at the judge and says, "Well, because I am an orphan."

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, I stole a can of peaches.

The judge then asked, how many peaches were in the can?

Six, replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn't know what to do.

And before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final, her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, your honor, wait!

The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say.

She also stole a can of peas!

Man: Judge, 60% of my traffic tickets are bogus!

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok. 3/5 of my traffic tickets are bogus!

"I want a divorce" I told the judge. "All my wife does every night is go from bar to bar to bar.

"What is she doing that for?" Asked the judge.

"Fu***ng looking for me."

At the Spelling bee

Judge: Your word is 'Invulnerable'.

Me: I-N-V-U-

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

Judge: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?

Mario: ...

Judge: It's a fine.

Mario: [sadly] no itsa not

A couple aged 101 and 98 was about to get a divorce.

The judge sadly asks "Oh c'mon now, you've been married for 80 years, why did you decide to get a divorce?"

"I mean, sir..." said the woman "We actually wanted a divorce for a long time but did not want our children to get upset so waited for them to die"

Spelling bee judge: "Your word is 'seaward'."

Contestant: "C-U-N..."

Judge: "DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP."

A drunkard was brought to court for dunkenis behavior

The Judge addressed the drunkard, "You have been brought here for drinking."

Drunkard, "Thank you very much your honour. Let's start."

All, present in the court, burst out laughing.

Banging the gavel, the Judge said, "Order."

Drunkard, "For me Whiskey with Soda please."

A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig.

The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?

The judge says, That is correct.

And does it mean that I can't call a pig Ms. Harding?

No, says the judge, you are free to call a pig Ms. Harding. There is no crime in that.

The man looks Ms. Harding in the eye and says, Good afternoon, Ms. Harding.

A woman is arrested for beating her husband up with his guitar collection.

The judge asked "First offender?"

The wife answered "No. First a Gibson. Then a Fender"

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

A little old lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches from a grocery store.

At the trial, the judge asks her why she stole a can of peaches. She replies, "Your Honor, my husband and I don't have much, and we are very poor. I was simply trying to do something about my hunger."

The judge, feeling sorry for the old lady, asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"

"6," the old lady responded.

"Then," the judge said, "you will spend one day in jail for each peach, for a total of 6 days."

"Your Honor," spoke her husband, "she also stole a can of peas!"

Judge: For your crimes against our citizenry, I hearby sentence you to a decade in prison.

Man: That's a long sentence. Can you reduce it?

Judge: Ok. You go to jail 10 years.

The doctor told me I had only six months to live, so I shot him dead. The judge gave me fifteen years.

Problem solved.

A judge asked a wife why she stabbed her husband 75 times.

She said her arm got tired.

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.





The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:

"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

..... HE WON !!

A judge asked Shakira if she commited tax fraud.

Shakira: "Of course not your Honor."

Shakiras Hips:"Of course we did your Honor."

I once abused someone with a dictionary...

The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault

A guy wants a divorce

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge, I just can't take it anymore. Every night she's out until way after midnight, just going from bar to bar.

Judge asks, what's she doing?

The guy answers, Looking for me.

Carrying a saw

He had stolen a saw, and on his trial he told the judge that he only took it for a joke.

"How far did you carry it?" inquired the Judge.

"Two miles", answered the prisoner.

"Ah! That is carrying a joke too far", said the judge, and the prisoner was sentenced to jail for three months.

Source: 1913 Newspaper

How is your password like an emotional family court judge?

They're both case sensitive.

Yesterday I encountered a woman with a very extravagant dress, flawless skin, and a really fancy purse.

I avoided her since I thought she would judge me by my appearance.

Two lawyers before an American judge recently got into a wrangle

At last one of the disputants, losing control over his emotions, exclaimed to his opponent, "Sir, you are, I think the biggest fool that I ever had the misfortune to set eyes upon."

"Order! Order!" said the judge gravely. "You seem to forget that I am in the room."



Source: 1913 newspaper

Judge: "Lady, you shoplifted a can of tomatoes, so I sentence you to four weeks in prison, one for each tomato."

Lady's husband: "Your honour, don't forget she also stole a can of peas."

The doctor told my Italian grandma that she needed to cut down on the pasta or else she'd die within ten years

So, she shot the guy and the judge gave her 20.

Judge

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. Isn't it true, he bellowed, that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

The prosecutor again blared, Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, Sir, please answer the question.

Oh, the startled witness said, I thought he was talking to you.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the judge prosecution puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working judge trial piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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