Joy Jokes

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!
Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!
So the Pope slapped him.

Two blondes in a helicopter

Two blondes won a joy ride in a helicopter. As they reached maximum altitude one turned to the other and said "I hope nothing goes wrong, have they got enough fuel?" The other responded "I hope so too, imagine if they ran out, we'd be stuck up here forever!"

Hillary is talking to The Pope, and he says...

"With but one wave of my hand, I can make these people feel joy. Joy that nothing else in the world can bring. And it will be an eternal, everlasting joy."
Hillary says "I'll believe that when I see it."
And so, the Pope raises his hand into the air, and slaps her across the face, and the crowd goes wild.

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.
"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.
"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."
Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"
The man looks back; "... Pinocchio?"

A blind guy, a deaf guy and a disabled guy in a wheelchair pass by a magic lake.

Just for fun, they decide to try out this supposedly miraculous lake. The blind guy stumbles in first and stays around in the water for a while, Then he comes out, bouncing with joy, saying "My sight has returned! I can see now!". The deaf guy went in right after and took a swim. He came out just as happy. "I can hear everything again!" The disabled guy in the wheelchair drives in, splashes around and then comes out, beaming and cheerful. "Guys, I have new tires!"

Joe Biden and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

As they are waving to everyone, Biden leans towards Trump saying,
Did you know, that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? Also, this joy will not be merely a momentary display, like that of your followers, but will go deep into their hearts, and for the rest of their lives, whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!
Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Come on, show me!
So Biden slapped him.

One of my favorite Reagan jokes:

A Soviet Diplomat goes to one of the farms in Russia, and approaches the farmer.
How are the carrots doing? Said the Diplomat.
Oh, the carrots are as big and orange as ever! Replies the farmer.
I see, and how are the beets?
Oh, sir, if Gorbachev saw these beets, he would cry with joy!
And what about the potatoes?
Sir, if we stacked the potatoes, they would be high enough to reach God!
The diplomat stares for a minute. But comrade, we don't believe in god.
Oh, good. Says the farmer. Because there are no potatoes.

Old Man Jack married an old maid

Life had been hard on old Ethel. But they were truly in love, and their families agreed it was best for them to live out their final days in joy.
On their wedding night, Jack lay on the bed and watched his new bride undress.
She took out her glass eye and placed it in a velvet case.
Next, she removed her false teeth and put them in a glass of water.
Taking off her wig, she placed it on a small bust on the dresser.
She removed her prosthetic leg, and stood it beside the chair.
Jack finally spoke: "When you get to the part I'm waiting for, just toss it over."

An inspector goes to a mental institution to check if any of the patients had been cured

When he gets there he places an empty pool on the ground. All the patients start squealing with joy, and jumping in the pool, hurting themselves. Only one patient stands to the side and doesn't jump. The inspector goes to ask him why he isn't jumping. The patient says: do you think I'm crazy? I can't swim

An old man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"

Yes of course, said the doctor, why not!
"Oh How nice it would be, I have been illiterate for so long" replied the old man with joy.

Traditional joke from my childhood... I am the first person to translate this to English LoL

There was a young boy that always struggled to cross the road, every time he tried to cross the road he got hit by a car...
One time he was crossing the road and he made it to the other side!
He jumped for joy!
...He got hit by a plane midair.

A couple hooked up to the Joy of painting.....

9 months later they had a happy little accident

The Three Simple Things in This World That Give Me The Most Joy In This Life Are…

Eating Puppies and Not Using Commas Appropriately.

Dawn craved repetition.

It explains why she relished relish, and was a fan of fans.
But nothing compared to the joy of the early morning.
Because that's when the dawn dawned on Dawn.

A couple of weeks ago I went to buy a pair of my favourite sandals

only to find they were sold out.
Imagine my joy when I went in today to find they were Birkenstock.

Scientists in Germany Have Discovered a New Particle That Can Only Exist By Absorbing Joy

It's no laughing matter

A young boy says to his mother, "When I grow up, I'll have two wives just like the king in the stories."

Mother: "But which one of them will put you to bed?"
The boy thinks for a while and then says, "Neither. I want only you to do that."
Tears of joy well up in the mother's eyes and she blesses her son,"May you live long."
She then proceeds to ask the son,"Whom will your two wives sleep with?"
The boy again thinks for a while and then says, "Let them sleep with father."
This time, tears of joy well up in the father's eyes and he blesses his son, "May you live long."

My family loves to have dance parties.

My dad will play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect.
Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing!
It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

Did you hear that the new Nintendo Switch controllers were a scam?

Turns out that they were a joy con.

The blessed arrival of a baby into my life yesterday would have been greeted with a lot more joy...

If I could only figure out who mailed it to me.

A widower man dies and goes to heaven...

... when he gets there his wife, full of joy, comes to greet him.
"I'm so excited, I couldn't wait to be with you again"
The man replies
"A deal is a deal honey, they told me: "until death do us apart""

There was a boy that only had a head

There was a boy that only had a head. When he turned 18 his father decided 2 take him out 4 some drinks. After the first drink. The boy grew an arm. Then after the 2nd drink he grew a leg. He kept drinking until he became a full person. He was so excited, he just couldn't believe his luck. He ran outside with joy and then got hit by a truck and died. The bartender turns 2 the father and said. He should of quit while he was a head!

The Chinese President dies of a chronic disease. How does his wife feel?

Xi's Jinping with joy.

If you wish to grow old with Joy, grace and feeling Rosy all over...

You had better ask for their permission first!

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a crowd...

The Pope turns to Trump and says, "Did you know that with a single wave of my hand, I can make this entire crowd go wild? Their joy will not be a momentary passing emotion either, but will live on in their hearts each time they tell someone of this day."
Trump replies, "What?! With one wave of your SAD hand? I doubt it."
So the Pope slapped him.

My family and I rode Space Mountain as Joy, Disgust, and Anger from Inside Out.

It was a rollercoaster of emotions.

Sir John and Chung Lee walking in front of the Buckingham palace

Chung Lee says: "When I see all these flags, my heart fills with joy!"
Sir John:"But you are a Chinese national only visiting the United Kingdom, how so?"
Chung Lee:"Did you ever read the labels on the flags?!"

I didn't learn much from Mario Party 64, but I did learn that...

the button mashing and joy stick rotation techniques don't necessarily translate well to the bedroom.

"You think parachuting will finally bring joy to your life?"

"You're just setting yourself up for a bigger fall"

Amish Joy candy bars: cuz sometimes you feel like a nut....

And sometimes you feel like raising a barn.

If a 12 year old in Africa steals a sports car do they call it a joy ride? Grand theft?

Or a midlife crisis?

Yesterday I gave my phone, wallet, and watch to a homeless guy on the street.

You should've seen the joy on his face as he put the gun away.

My 5 year old always begs me to take her to the dog park...

She loves playing with them and giving them treats. But the whole time I'm filled with dread. My hands start sweating. I feel anxious and nauseous. That despite her laughter and joy my whole day will be utterly ruined. I finally saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with PTSD.
Pooon Tennis Shoe Disorder

For my father who instilled in me the joy of a good joke--or better, a bad joke: When is a door not a door?

When it is ajar.

I just published a satirical critique of the Russian government and Putin hasn't sent anyone to kill me yet.

I'm radiating with joy.

Keith Ape makes his mother a sandwich.

Keith Ape makes his mother a sandwich.
She takes a bite and cries with joy.
"This is amazing! What kind of sandwich is this?" She asks.
"It cheese ma."

Sparks joy

I decided to follow Marie Kondo's advice.
I stppped doing groceries. It did not spark joy.
I stopped doing laundry. It did not spark joy.
I stopped changing sheets. It did not spark joy.
I stopped servicing our car. It did not spark joy.
I stopped cooking. It did not spark joy.
I stopped throwing trash. It did not spark joy.
Then my wife left me. She said it did not spark joy.

My life has no meaning, the only thing that brings me joy is listening to my favorite member of One Direction.

I guess you could call me a nihilist

What do babies and girlfriends have in common?

One brings amazing joy and the other destroys your life ( not saying what is what)

My 12-year-old son was so happy when he found out tonight, for game night, is fort night.

Who knew kids that age still find joy making pillow and blanket tents?!

Ever wake up and want to spread holiday joy around through tasty mouth watering treats?

There was a kid who was sad and felt alone and unneeded. Wanted some joy in his life.

He installed League of Legends.