jokes Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious jokes stories

What are the best Jokes puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Jokes? Well here is a complete list of Jokes to have fun with:

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it's always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

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I never understood school shooting jokes

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...

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Can we ban "Yo Momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo momma.

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Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

(I made this up myself, I'm really proud of it)

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Communism jokes are not funny

Unless everyone gets them

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My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...



Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too...

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The problem with Trump jokes:

Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.

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My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.

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The new father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.

"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."

"Dad you dont mea-"

"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.

"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."

"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

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I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl...

they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.

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So the Belgians are pissed...

The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; "meh, we will build a bridge in the Sahara". The king of Belgium approves and so it happens; the Dutch build a bridge in the desert.

They became the laughing stock of the world. The king of Belgium is pleased and says to king Willem:"Ha ha that was funny, you can remove the bridge.

King Willem responds: "We can't, there are Belgians on the bridge trying to fish."

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Geologist have jokes too...

Steve: "Hey, what kind of rocks are these Dan?"

Geologist: "They're sex stones."

Steve: "What? Really?"

Geologist: "Yeah. They're just fucking rocks."

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I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...

The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames

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I paid a homeless lady in Nashville $1 for two jokes. Wanna hear em? NSFW.

She was advertising two jokes for $1 so don't think I just walked up to her and said "I'll give you a dollar if you tell me two jokes."

"Why can't miss piggy count to seventy? Because every time she gets to 69 she get a little frog in her throat."

"How can you tell your man has a high sperm count? You have to chew before you swallow."

My boyfriend paid a dollar and got these -

"Two condoms were walking down the street. They passed a gay bar and one looks at the other and says 'hey want to go inside and get shit faced?'"

"How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck it's dick."

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I learned recently that 9/10 men masturbate regularly

You don't want to know how the last guy does it...


Note: all my jokes I post here are originals I'm working on, so as always, feedback is good yadda yadda yadda

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Since We're Doing Pirate Jokes. What Does Every Pirate Hate?

A small chest with no booty.

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Everyone keeps downvoting my racist jokes.

It's like a load of black people have suddenly gotten laptops or something.

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My "classic" joke.

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!"
So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in.
The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!"
The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?"
The bartender says, "Yeah.."
The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?"
The bartender says, "It's across the road."

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The Sexist Professor

The anthropology professor was well known for making sexist comments and jokes in class much to the dismay of the feminist female students. The women students got together outside class and decided that after the next sexist comment from the professor they would stand up and walk out of class in solidarity.
The next day the professor, while lecturing on a certain African tribe, said: " and you ladies will be glad to know that the average penis size of the tribesmen is 12 inches!"
At that moment all the women in the class stood up and began filing out. The professor then said: "Wait! Wait ladies! The next flight to Nairobi doesn't leave until tomorrow morning!"

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My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia.

Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.

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I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!

So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"

My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.

It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.

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I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
"Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
"Do these excite you?" she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk.
"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.
I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.

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A joke is like a frog..

When you dissect it, it dies.

Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it.

Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

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No one in here better be making any jokes about Fred Phelps' death

God hates gags.

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A blonde is watching a ventriloquist perform at a bar...

...and the ventriloquist, with his dummy, is telling blonde joke after blonde joke, filling the bar with laughter. After several of these jokes, the blonde stands up, infuriated, and yells, "Listen here, jackass. Not all blondes are stupid and the jokes need to stop, it is a very cheap way to get laughs."

Stunned, the ventriloquist timidly begins to apologize, "Ma'am, I am so sorry. I had no idea I was offending anyone."

The blonde replies, "Stay out of this, sir. I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

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Vagina jokes are not funny

Period.

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The Professor's Jokes

The professor loved to start each lecture with a dirty joke. After a week of this, the female students got together and decided that next time, if this happened again, they would all walk out in unison.

The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he entered the lecture hall, he said: "Good morning! Have you heard about the shortage of prostitutes in Singapore?"

Now all the female students stood up and headed toward the exit.

The professor continued: "Oh, ladies, please wait, the boat to Singapore doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

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I try to tell good jokes...

...but I always punch up the fuck line.

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I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.

This one was written in London.

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I'm not usually too good at jokes but um...

Tiss

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My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes...

...I told him to lighten up.

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My girlfriend said period jokes aren't funny...

So I ended up throwing away 3 pages of jokes i had written about the Victorian era.

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The last joke my brother made up, before he passed away this week.

Him: "If my name was Ella, and I married Darth Vader. My name would be Elevator". Stupid and corny, but it's exactly the kind of lame jokes he would make.

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What's the difference between your dick and a joke?

Nobody laughs at your jokes.

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2 Dirty Jokes as told to me by a homeless guy.

If a guy with a foot fetish cheats on his wife, would you say *he got off on the wrong foot?*

**and** (no offense meant to all the women out there, I swear!)

You know why god invented the yeast infection? So that women would also know what it's like to live with a miserable cunt!

A little vulgar, I know. But it was worth the buck I gave him!

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World's Funniest Joke

The "world's funniest joke" is a term used by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002 to summarize one of the results of his research. For his experiment, named LaughLab, he created a website where people could rate and submit jokes. Purposes of the research included discovering the joke that had the widest appeal and understanding among different cultures, demographics and countries.

The History Channel eventually hosted a special on the subject.


The winning joke, which was later found to be based on a 1951 Goon Show sketch by Spike Milligan,was submitted by Gurpal Gosal of Manchester:


*Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"*

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How do all racist jokes start?

*Looks over left shoulder*

*Looks over right shoulder*

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The best underwear jokes....

are brief.

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Since is translate your national jokes day here it goes: a romanian one.

Bula is at school, the teacher enters the class and starts calling pupils to see who is missing:

"Andrei?"

"Here."

"Anda?"

"Here."

"Bula?"

"Here."

Behind the class George starts laughing.

"What's so funny George?"

"Miss! If you change the first letter from Bula's name you get Pula (Penis). Hahaha"

Bula frowns.

The next day the same; George laughs.

The third day, after George laughs again at Bula's name:

"Gina?"

"Here."

"George?"

"Here."

Bula starts laughing uncontrollably.

The teacher, startled, asks:

"What's the matter Bula?"

"Miss, if you change a few letters from George's name you get *Fuck You George And Your Inbred Family*. Haha!"

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why don't spiders go to school..

Because they learn everything on web.

:(

i know i suck at jokes.

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Listen guys, I know this sub is all in good fun, but I don't think it's right to be making dumb jokes about obese people.

They already have enough on their plates.

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A man buys a parrot...

And after bringing it home, he discovers it has the filthiest mouth. It constantly swears, racial epithets, dirty jokes, the whole lot! It embarrasses the man to no end. He keeps trying to train the bird, but it doesn't listen, just cackles back at him.

In a rage, he finally throws the bird in the freezer and closes the door. The bird squawks once, then goes very quiet. The man waits a minute, then opens the door. The bird looks sorry, so he puts it back in the cage.

"I'm terribly sorry for my earlier behavior, I assure you that I won't be speaking as such anymore," the bird apologizes. "On a related note, what did the chicken do?"

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One of the smarter jokes I've picked up...

An engineer, a theoretical physicist, an experimental physicist and a philosopher are walking the hills of Scotland when they spot a black sheep. The engineer exclaims "well whaddaya know! the sheep in Scotland are black!" The theoretical physicist replies, "..well, SOME of the sheep in Scotland are black." The experimental physicist retorts, "we can safely say, at least one sheep in Scotland is black."

The philosopher says, ".... on one side, anyway."

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French Jokes

Who won the first Tour de France?
The 6th Panzer division.

Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
To see the front line.

How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows.

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Yo momma jokes are old, common and used by everyone.

Just like yo momma.

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A ventriloquist is in the middle of his act...

and is in the part of his routine where he riffs off a bunch of blonde jokes, one after the other. A blonde woman in the front row is getting upset, and finally says, "I'll have you know, just because a woman is blonde doesn't mean she is dumb. There are plenty of highly intelligent, successful blonde women in the world. I should know, because I'm one of them. "

The ventriloquist says, "Hey lady, don't get upset. It's just harmless jokes. "

The blond replies, "You butt out of it, I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap. "

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I can't make Casey Anthony jokes.

My mom would kill me...

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What's the similarity between free healthcare and good jokes?

Americans don't get them.

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One of my favorite blonde jokes

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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WARNING: dark jokes ahead

My girlfriend is into some really strange roleplay when we have sex. She always insists on pretending to be 14 years old.
I don't get why, she'll be 14 in a couple of years anyway


Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHYYYY!!??". Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead"



A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it.

Q: What's the best part about dead baby jokes?
A: They never get old.

Q: What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?
A: Michael Phelps can finish a race.

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best jokes jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty jokes gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these jokes jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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