The Best 86 Joke Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Joke jokes. There are some joke unoriginal jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these joke wanna hear a joke puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Joke Jokes and Puns

How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

**

What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken.

Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

Joke joke, Where do little jokes come from?

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.


Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

I like my women like I like my whiskey.

12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

Joke joke, I like my women like I like my whiskey.

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.

It's my longest running joke of the year.

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

Republicans are the true snowflakes...

they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools

EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!

its a joke folks. just a joke.

You can explore joke witty reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean joke upvoted dad jokes. There are also joke puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas.

Luke: How?
Darth Vader: I felt your presents.

I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

Because it had a bad driver!

*drops mic*

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

I told god a Holocaust joke. He didn't laugh.

after a moment of awkward silence, I said: "Well I guess you should have been there".

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

Joke joke, If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

"When one door closes, another opens", he said.

"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."

Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...

Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff? (Original joke)

Because that's where students have the most potential.

Two rednecks are admiring their firearms.

One says, I keep these around for hunting, home protection, and to defend my 2nd amendment rights. The second says, I just like shooting cans.

That's a lot of firepower just for shooting cans.

Well, there's so many of them: Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans...


Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands

You really should upvote this joke because it never gets old

Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.

Kinda like yo momma.

Here, have a joke in spanish

sabe inglΓ©s?"

"si"

"como se dice 'un zapato' en inglΓ©s?"

"a shoe"

"salud"

"gracias

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

What's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?

Nephew: Brushing your teeth!

Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.

Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says...

Bear with me...

A chess joke: What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have sex with kids.

I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs.

Bonus: my dad says I'm the only joke he'll ever need.

A German joke from 1944

How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.

How much does Santa's sleigh cost?

$0, it's on the house.

How about an Indian joke?

A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"

A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"

She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to tell a joke?

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to tell a joke?

A List of Forts.

A Fort.

B Fort.

C Fort.

D Fort.

E Fort.

G Fort.

H Fort.

I Fort.

J Fort.

K Fort.

L Fort.

M Fort.

N Fort.

O Fort.

P Fort.

Q Fort.

R Fort.

S Fort.

T Fort.

U Fort.

V Fort.

W Fort.

X Fort.

Y Fort.

Z Fort.

I didn't put any F Fort into this joke.

Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows?

[remooved]

What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?

White people looking both ways before they start

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

Just a Dad Joke

Wife:Hey Honey, I'm Pregnant

Husband:Hey Pregnant, I'm Dad

Wife:No you're not

Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

Want to hear a joke about construction?

Sorry, I'm still working on it.

Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.

I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.

Cargo Owl Joke

Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.

Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?

They love anything that's 15% off

Just a joke lol

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Fat. You get fat.

What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a bitch was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.

What's the difference between this joke and a nudist soaked in food coloring?

One is nude in dye and the other died in new.

Did you know Vegetarian is a Native American word?

It means Lousy Hunter

I am Native American and this joke has been told to me a couple of times. Thought I'd share.

What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?

The murderer said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'

Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?

Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the murderer. After all, good comedy is all about execution.

Nobody will upvote a cake joke on my cake day.

Feeling desserted.

An African man visits his friend in the US

I just flew in yesterday the African man says And boy are my arms tired!

You know, that's kind of an old joke here in America replied his friend.

Joke? The African man said. I've been holding my hands in the air yelling 'don't shoot' ever since I got to this damn country .

I have a joke about the exceptional healthcare and medicine Trump took to recover from COVID.

But, no one else would get it.

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted

Does anyone remember the joke I made about the Chiropractor?

It was about a weak back.

Since this is the first year that I've remembered my cake day, here's my four year old's favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here. I'll go on ahead.

For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero?

Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from of Seaworld

Joke from my 12 year old why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're so good at it!

Please don't ban me

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa's favorite joke when I was growing up: Wanna hear a dirty joke?

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago:

Why are bacteria so bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots.

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed? (Joke from my 10 yr old)

You order it from the Cat-alogue

A joke from my 8 year old......Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?

10+10=twenty
11+11=twenty too

My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke

A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".

The only joke I know.

How does a cow introduce his wife...?

He says, "meat patty".

I am very sorry.

My favorite Dad joke, because it's my cake day.

Why does a chicken coup only have two doors?



Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan.

Your mum is so slow

It took her 9 months to come up with a good joke

A joke I remember making up when I was 7 : What do you get when a giant steps on a house?

Mushrooms

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

What's better than enchiladas?

n+1 chiladas.

(sharing this joke I came up with tonight while making enchiladas, because my family didn't find it funny).

A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says, " you're in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic? " The horse says, "I don't think I am, " and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous philosophical statement, " I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned that at the beginning, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

My mom wrote this joke: What's the difference between a sweet potato fresh out of the oven and a pig thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

A joke I heard while working in China a few years ago

A Chinese state-owned container ship is highjacked by pirates. A Chinese Communist Party official is sent to negotiate.

The pirates' leader, waving his gun, shouted: the ransom is TEN MILLION dollars! Or everyone on the ship will die!

The official responded, calmly: I will give you twenty million, but you'll write me a receipt of forty million.

An Old Jewish Joke (you might have heard it)

Hitler goes to see a fortune teller with a burning question. He enters her shop and sits before her.

"Fortune teller I have a question... when will I die?"

The fortune teller stares right at him and says without hesitation "You will die on a Jewish holiday"

Offended Hitler glares at her. "How can you say this? You haven't consulted your crystal ball or even done anything. You didn't even think about it!"

The fortune teller looks deep into Hitlers eyes and tells him:

"Any day in which you die will be a Jewish holiday"

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.


^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke

There are 3 keys to make a good joke

CTRL, C and V

Want to hear a Covid-19 joke?

If you've been vaccinated, you probably won't get it ...

Dad Joke

Don't care what my 10yo daughter does or says from this forward, I'll always be a proud Father…

She asked me what do you call a Elf that just won the lottery… Welfy

Cow Joke

* What do you call a cow with no legs - Ground Beef
* What do you call a cow with three legs - Lean Beef
* What do you call a cow with two legs - your mother

I've got a joke about Elton John.

It's a little bit funny.

I was gonna tell a computer joke

But it's probably not PC enough for this sub

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the joke joke about bad jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working joke joke book piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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