joke Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious joke stories

What are the best joke puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Joke? Well here is a complete list of the top joke jokes:

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

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The 2016 US Presidential Election

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

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Joke I heard from a 99 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

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How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.


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A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken.

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My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

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Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

(I made this up myself, I'm really proud of it)

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I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

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As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

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Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy,

It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

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The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.

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(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

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I like my women like I like my whiskey.

12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

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How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(

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Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.

It's my longest running joke of the year.

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After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

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I made a joke about net neutrality

Americans didn't get it.

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My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today

and I couldn't help but admire it. Nice car, I said as he got out. Well, he said, noticing my admiring looks, Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year. (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)

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Republicans are the true snowflakes...

they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools

EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!

its a joke folks. just a joke.

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How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

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Alzheimer Joke (Not sure if repost.)

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a joke that isn't racist

a guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks:

"hey do you know, tai quon do, ju jutsu, kung fu or any of that shit?"

offended the Asian man replies:
"what you think that just because i'm asian i know martial arts?"

the man replies: "nah its because you're drinking my fucking burbon"

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Haven't seen this joke on here yet, it's my favorite.

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".


She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".


The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".

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What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

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Where do naughty rays of light go?

Prism

(Note: I made this joke up. Sorry if this little note refracts from the humour.)

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Joke my dad loved

What's the last thing each tickle-me-elmo doll gets before leaving the factory?


Two test tickles

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Old blonde joke.

A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears.
"What's wrong, dear?" He asks
Through her tears she says, "well, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can't seem to figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger."
He looks at her and in his most sympathetic voice says, "sweetheart, put the frosted flakes back in the box."

Ba dum-tiss

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I'm trying to write a joke about overdosing on cocaine

But I need a line to end it.
-Matt Melvin
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The costume party (Sorry if this is a repost. Best joke I know.)

A man, lets call him jim, goes to his buddys costume party wearing nothing but a pair of pants.
Jim's friend walks over to him and says "hey, jim... uh what are you supposed to be?"
Jim smiles and says "well im a premature ejaculation."
His friend looks puzzled and asks "okay, well why arent you wearing any shoes... or a shirt?"
Jim laughs and says "I just came in my pants!"

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A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

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Corniest joke I know.

Two friars decide to open up a business selling flowers in LA. They settup a booth right outside of Hugh Hefners playboy mansion. After about a week, their business wasnt going so well and it was also driving away people from the playboy mansion seeing two friars outside.

Eventually Hugh Hefner himself came out and put a stop to all of this.

The point of the story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Badum psh

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Three feminists walk into a bar.

They look at one another and say, "Hooray! We've taken over a male-dominated joke format!"

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If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?

Someone else's pants on.

My grandfathers favorite joke.

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Joke my kid made up when he was like 4.... What do you call an angry shopper using bad words?

A cussomer.

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Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[

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My Favorite Math Joke

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says You guys need to learn your limits.

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What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke

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What does a redneck and yeast have in common?

They are both "in-bread"

Downvote me to hell if you want. This is my only joke.

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After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

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The Polish eye exam.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters

~~'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'~~ 'C Z W I K S N O S T A C Z'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

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"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.

I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.

The plot thickens.

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A joke from my dad: A man goes to a lawyer to ask a few legal questions...

The man says to the lawyer "How much would it cost to ask you a few questions?"

The lawyer says "I charge $400 for three questions."

"That's a bit expensive isn't it?"

"Yep. What's your third question?"

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how does every racist joke start?

with a look over your shoulder.

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My favorite all-ages joke.

One day, a bear walks into a bar. He sits down at the counter, and the bartender comes over.


"What'll it be?" asks the bartender.

"I'll have a......





....



.....


....



....


....





...beer." the bear says.

"Alright, one beer for the bear. But I gotta ask, why the big pause?" asks the bartender.

"I don't know," says the bear. "I was born with them."

:)

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Joke in honor of mole day

Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "I don't know guys all I smell is some molasses"

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A woman recently got oak breast implants...

…this joke would probably be better if it had a punchline, wooden tit.

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I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...

I don't know why.

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My favourite lawyer joke

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Upon receiving his drink he mutters: 'all
lawyers are assholes.'
A guy down the bar angrily yells: 'HEY!'
'Oh I'm sorry, are you a lawyer?' The man replies.
'No I'm an asshole!'

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What's the difference between three dicks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

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So I had this really great racist joke.

But some black guy stole it.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best joke jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about joke. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty joke gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these joke jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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