Take your foot off his head.
**
A chicken.
A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".
He neverlands
You really should upvote this joke because it never gets old
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
(I made this up myself, I'm really proud of it)
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.
(
It's my longest running joke of the year.
...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."
OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools
EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!
its a joke folks. just a joke.
Kinda like yo momma.
Bear with me...
This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol.
A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude....cut me some slacks."
The end
Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have sex with kids.
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
A Fort.
B Fort.
C Fort.
D Fort.
E Fort.
G Fort.
H Fort.
I Fort.
J Fort.
K Fort.
L Fort.
M Fort.
N Fort.
O Fort.
P Fort.
Q Fort.
R Fort.
S Fort.
T Fort.
U Fort.
V Fort.
W Fort.
X Fort.
Y Fort.
Z Fort.
I didn't put any F Fort into this joke.
sabe inglés?"
"si"
"como se dice 'un zapato' en inglés?"
"a shoe"
"salud"
"gracias
White people looking both ways before they start
A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"
She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"
I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
$0, it's on the house.
**people keep saying dad joke, funny thing is my mom actually told me this 😂**
Because its illegal.
Wife:Hey Honey, I'm Pregnant
Husband:Hey Pregnant, I'm Dad
Wife:No you're not
Plastic surgery.
[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]
Nephew: Brushing your teeth!
Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.
Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!
Europa creek with no paddle.
I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.
"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to tell a joke?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"
I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"
Because that's where students have the most potential.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.
Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"
Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."
Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
But when I do, he laughs.
Bonus: my dad says I'm the only joke he'll ever need.
after a moment of awkward silence, I said: "Well I guess you should have been there".
Because it had a bad driver!
*drops mic*
[remooved]
How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.
*I hate myself for repeating this. But I heard this when I was living in Texas.*
Two rednecks are admiring their firearms. One says, I keep these around for hunting, home protection, and to defend my 2nd amendment rights. The second says, I just like shooting cans.
That's a lot of firepower just for shooting cans.
Well, there's so many of them: Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans...
of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.
Plagiarism.
---
EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you.
I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.
I told her to sleep on it.
Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
Q: What do you call a gay man with a vasectomy?
A: Seedless fruit.
Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"
Me: "I dunno, what?"
Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"
I like to joke about it, but I never want to see it live.
Dad: what are you drinking, son?
Son: Soy Milk
Dad: Hola Milk, soy padre
Because there used to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.
"It's an inside joke."
Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"
Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."
Waiter: "I'm sorry?"
Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."
The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.
When does a Pentagon have only 4 sides?
When it is intercepted by a plane.
That is the joke. There's no punchline here.
It had a bad driver!
**bows **
I'll show myself out.
Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where ya left it.
[My grandfather suffers from dementia and for some odd reason he remembers this joke and continues to tell it.]
A fart.
*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*
I don't get it.
SEIZURE SALAD.
I peed
This was my grandfathers all time favorite joke.
Pop Pop: What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?
Me: I don't know...
Pop Pop: A Red dingle dangle of course!
Pop Pop: What's green and dingle dangles from the ceiling?
Me: A green dingle dangle!
Pop Pop: No they only come in Red.
Me: :|
But I am scared my inbox will be flooded
The 45th President of the United States of America.
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.
After being drafted by the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic because it's the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams. - Conan O'brien
A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"
Oh no! Playstation and xbox online services are down! Someone call an ambulance! Wii U Wii U Wii U
What's in the wardrobe?
Narnia business.
Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."
Who is your mother?
Our great Soviet country.
Who is your father?
Our dear comrade Stalin.
What's your greatest desire?
Becoming an orphan.
You understand it better, but it dies in the process.
See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.
*
I don't think I am. the horse replies.
*poof*
The horse disappears.
This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they're familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito Ergo Sum , or I think, therefore I am .
But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Eh... Nevermind. You probably won't get it.
A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'.
The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!'
The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?'
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".
"The girls get older, but he stays the same age"
-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Joke? Well, here are the best Joke puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Joke pick up lines to share with friends.