Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Joke puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.
A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a bitch was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you
Take your foot off his head.
**
A chicken.
A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".
He neverlands
You really should upvote this joke because it never gets old
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
They love anything that's 15% off
Just a joke lol
None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.
(
It's my longest running joke of the year.
...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."
OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools
EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!
its a joke folks. just a joke.
A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.
Kinda like yo momma.
Bear with me...
Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have sex with kids.
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
A Fort.
B Fort.
C Fort.
D Fort.
E Fort.
G Fort.
H Fort.
I Fort.
J Fort.
K Fort.
L Fort.
M Fort.
N Fort.
O Fort.
P Fort.
Q Fort.
R Fort.
S Fort.
T Fort.
U Fort.
V Fort.
W Fort.
X Fort.
Y Fort.
Z Fort.
I didn't put any F Fort into this joke.
sabe inglés?"
"si"
"como se dice 'un zapato' en inglés?"
"a shoe"
"salud"
"gracias
White people looking both ways before they start
A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"
She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"
I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
$0, it's on the house.
**people keep saying dad joke, funny thing is my mom actually told me this 😂**
Because its illegal.
He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.
It means Lousy Hunter
I am Native American and this joke has been told to me a couple of times. Thought I'd share.
Wife:Hey Honey, I'm Pregnant
Husband:Hey Pregnant, I'm Dad
Wife:No you're not
Plastic surgery.
[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]
Nephew: Brushing your teeth!
Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.
Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!
Fat. You get fat.
What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.
Europa creek with no paddle.
I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.
"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to tell a joke?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"
I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"
Because that's where students have the most potential.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.
Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"
Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."
Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
But when I do, he laughs.
Bonus: my dad says I'm the only joke he'll ever need.
after a moment of awkward silence, I said: "Well I guess you should have been there".
Because it had a bad driver!
*drops mic*
One is nude in dye and the other died in new.
[remooved]
How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.
*I hate myself for repeating this. But I heard this when I was living in Texas.*
Two rednecks are admiring their firearms. One says, I keep these around for hunting, home protection, and to defend my 2nd amendment rights. The second says, I just like shooting cans.
That's a lot of firepower just for shooting cans.
Well, there's so many of them: Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans...
of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.
Plagiarism.
---
EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you.
I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.
I told her to sleep on it.
Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
Q: What do you call a gay man with a vasectomy?
A: Seedless fruit.
Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"
Me: "I dunno, what?"
Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"
I like to joke about it, but I never want to see it live.
Dad: what are you drinking, son?
Son: Soy Milk
Dad: Hola Milk, soy padre
Because there used to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.
"It's an inside joke."
The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.
Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"
Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."
Waiter: "I'm sorry?"
Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."
"With who?"
"Thomas."
"But since when is Thomas your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
When does a Pentagon have only 4 sides?
When it is intercepted by a plane.
That is the joke. There's no punchline here.
It had a bad driver!
**bows **
I'll show myself out.
Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where ya left it.
[My grandfather suffers from dementia and for some odd reason he remembers this joke and continues to tell it.]
A fart.
*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*
I don't get it.
SEIZURE SALAD.
I peed
This was my grandfathers all time favorite joke.
Pop Pop: What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?
Me: I don't know...
Pop Pop: A Red dingle dangle of course!
Pop Pop: What's green and dingle dangles from the ceiling?
Me: A green dingle dangle!
Pop Pop: No they only come in Red.
Me: :|
But I am scared my inbox will be flooded
The 45th President of the United States of America.
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.
My life is the joke.
After being drafted by the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic because it's the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams. - Conan O'brien
A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"
Oh no! Playstation and xbox online services are down! Someone call an ambulance! Wii U Wii U Wii U
What's in the wardrobe?
Narnia business.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.