joke Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious joke puns

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

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The 2016 US Presidential Election

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

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Joke I heard from a 99 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

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How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.


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A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken.

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My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

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Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands

You really should upvote this joke because it never gets old

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Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

(I made this up myself, I'm really proud of it)

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I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

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As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

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Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy,

It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

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The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.

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(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

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I like my women like I like my whiskey.

12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

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How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(

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Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.

It's my longest running joke of the year.

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After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

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Republicans are the true snowflakes...

they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools

EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!

its a joke folks. just a joke.

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How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

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Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.

Kinda like yo momma.

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Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says...

Bear with me...

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A chess joke: What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have sex with kids.

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In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

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A List of Forts.

A Fort.

B Fort.

C Fort.

D Fort.

E Fort.

G Fort.

H Fort.

I Fort.

J Fort.

K Fort.

L Fort.

M Fort.

N Fort.

O Fort.

P Fort.

Q Fort.

R Fort.

S Fort.

T Fort.

U Fort.

V Fort.

W Fort.

X Fort.

Y Fort.

Z Fort.

I didn't put any F Fort into this joke.

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A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline

Wooden tit

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I called my friend and said "hey I have a joke for you.."

Friend :"ok, shoot."

Me: " what has a tiny penis, and hangs down?"

Friend: " I dunno, what?"

Me: " A bat... now, what has an enormous penis and hangs up?"

Friend" I dunno what?"

*click*

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Here, have a joke in spanish

sabe inglΓ©s?"

"si"

"como se dice 'un zapato' en inglΓ©s?"

"a shoe"

"salud"

"gracias

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What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?

White people looking both ways before they start

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How about an Indian joke?

A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"

A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"

She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

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What do you call a cow with two legs?

Irene.

There's no joke here, I just hate that bitch.

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How much does Santa's sleigh cost?

$0, it's on the house.




**people keep saying dad joke, funny thing is my mom actually told me this πŸ˜‚**

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Every yo mama joke has been done thousands of times by thousands of people...

.... Just like yo mama.

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The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.

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WARNING... Dad joke ahead.

This actually just happened.

Wife and Son are playing an intense game of battle ship.

Son: I-8

Me: I haven't ate... I'm hungry

Wife: (not finding the humor)... miss... E-10

Me: Grammar Nazi.

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What are the most funny Joke jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Joke? Well, here are the best Joke dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Joke pick up lines to share with friends.

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