Uplifting Joint Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
I wrote the names of everyone I've unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.
Who decided to call it m**... possession"
and not joint custody?
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?
A little lizard
A little lizard is walking through the jungle one day and spots a koala bear up in a tree.
"Hey, what are you doing?" asks the little lizard. Koala bear replies, "I'm getting high, come up and join me."
So the little lizard climbs the tree and shares a joint with the koala bear. Pretty soon the little lizard gets thirsty, he spots the river and says he's going to go get a drink. So the little lizard climbs down the tree, walks over to the river and as he is drinking he ends up falling in. An alligator saw this and rushes over to help the little lizard out of the water.
"What the heck are you doing?" asks the alligator.
"Well, I was getting high with the koala bear in the tree and then I got thirsty and then...."
"Whoa, wait a minute. You were getting high with a koala bear? I've got to see this." Says the alligator as he goes walking off into the jungle.
The alligator spots the koala bear in the tree and shouts up "Hey, what are you doing up there?"
The koala bear looks down and says "Shiiiiiiiiiiit, Dude, how much water did you drink?"
The Buddha walks into a pizza joint and says, "Make me one with everything."
The cashier says "That'll be $12.50."
The Buddha gives him a twenty and holds out his hand for the change.
The cashier shakes his head, smiles and says, "Change must come from within."
A man walks into a burger joint
He sees a really pretty blonde lady working behind the counter. He looks at the menu, which reads
-Hamburger: $2.00
-Cheeseburger: $2.50
-h**...:$25.00
He thinks for a second, then asks the woman "Are you the one that gives h**...?"
She smiles and replies "I am."
"Great. Wash your hands. I want a burger."
So I was about to roll a joint with a page from the Qur'an...
But I decided that I didn't really feel like getting s**....
Recreational tampons...
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint...
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?
A rasta man goes to the bank with a 25 kg bag of m**......
And hands it over to the bank teller.
Confused, the bank teller asks, "What's this for?"
The rasta replies, "Me here to open a joint account."
i was about to smoke a joint in the park
but then i saw a sign that said "keep off the grass" and felt judged.
You can explore joint mariguana reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean joint doobie dad jokes. There are also joint puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
So I've got some buddies...
They just so happen to be a high-ranking officials in Denver,Colorado. They're currently trying to get Republicans and Democrats to both agree to legalize medical m**... to ease arthritis symptoms. I guess you could say I have friends in high places in high places in high places for joint support for joint support for joint support.
A Jamaican man saunters into a bank
.. with a 25kg bag of m**... and hands it over to the cashier. Shocked, the cashier asks.. What's this for!? The man, a Rastafarian, replies; "Me 'ere to open a joint account, mon!"
What is Unidan's favorite fast food joint?
Five Guys.
Apparently there is a bipartisan push in the US senate to legalize m**... for arthritis treatment....
So in other words, there's joint support for joint support for joint support.
There is now a bipartisan push to legalize medical m**... to relieve arthiritis.
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.
What do you get for opening the BEST Vietnamese soup joint in London?
A great big pho queue.
What do you call it when two guys open a w**... dispensary?
A joint venture.
What do you call a bunch of potheads working together?
A joint effort!
I just rolled a joint...
Now my ankle hurts
So I gave a Friar a joint....
He's a High Priest now...
My s**... neighbors got divorced
but it's okay because they got joint custody
I was going to smoke a joint with some Mexicans
But when I asked if anyone had papers, they all ran off.
What happens when you give a cow a joint?
The steaks are high
An old man walks up to a couple of stoners smoking a joint, and says,
Don't you know that smoking w**... makes you ignorant and apathetic?
One of the potheads turns to him and replies, I don't know, and I don't care.
At the bank, I told the teller I'd like to open a joint account
She asked "Okay, with whom?"
"With whoever had the most money" I answered
There's a bipartisan group petitioning for medical m**... as an option for arthritis patients.
In other words, there's joint support for joint support for joint support.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal m**... should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.
My friend and I opened a shared bank account for buying w**....
It'll be our joint account.
I don't always roll a joint...
...but when I do, it's an ankle.
Did you hear about a guy who was beaten with a m**... joint?
He suffered blunt force trauma
Snoop Dogg should have given the official response to Trump's Presidential Address to Congress...
He has probably participated in more Joint Sessions than just about anyone.
My niece calls me ankle...
I call here knees
We are a joint family!
I met an amputee in a bar
Everyone in the joint called him 'E'. He had been drinking there for a few years every single one of the locals knew him. Apparently he used to be the strongest guy in the town
"Ya know, I can still arm wrestle with the best of them" E said.
To which I replied
"you and what arm, E?"
A Rastaman with a bag full of m**... walks into a bank...
and hands it to a cashier. The angry cashier asks 'Sir, what is this...?' The rasta replies "Wa yah ask foolish question, mi come to open a joint account!!"
Yesterday, both houses of Congress met to debate legalizing m**....
It was a joint session.
I don't regularly roll a joint, but when I do...
it's usually my ankle.
"I enjoy a joint every now and then"
"Usually a knee or an elbow" said the cannibal.
What did the femur say to the pelvis?
Well, this is a hip joint!.
m**... businesses in Washington and Colorado are now allowed to use banks..
So long as they open joint accounts.
What do you call a pizza joint run by epileptic midgets?
Little Seizure's
Did you hear about the two guys who robbed the m**... dispensary?
It was a joint effort.
If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical m**... for arthritis treatment...
there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.
Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the m**......
The judges have started issuing joint custody
What do you call it when the FBI and DEA do a m**... bust together?
A joint operation.
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza joint...
The person behind the counter asks, "How can I help you?"
The Dalai Lama replies, "Can you make me one with everything?"
I started a fried chicken joint. In order to be halal, the chickens must be killed in the traditional Islamic manner:
It's pretty hard getting the little explosive-filled vests on them, though.
I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion...
They agreed, so I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."
"It's a deal!" my wife said, with a smug look on her face.
"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"
My two w**... dealers started working together.
In other words, they engaged in a joint venture.
A FedEx guy knocks on the door....
A FedEx guy knocks on the door. A little kid answers, n**... except underpants, smoking a joint & holding half a bottle of Scotch.
FedEx guy says "Kid, is your mother home?"
The kid says "What do *you* think?"
My mum and dad just named their new puppy Spliff
They said it was a joint decision.
What do you call two people working together to sell m**...?
A joint venture
m**... Possession?
More like joint custody.
My s**... friend rolled a joint using a page from my agenda notebook.
He is high on my list of priorities.
Two police officers walk into a crime scene.
They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of w**... each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.
One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint s**...."
All three of my uncles used to grow w**... together
It was a joint effort.
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.
He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.
Whats it called when an old person gets hurt smoking w**...?
Joint pain.
My friend accidentally discovered a foolproof method of getting instant long lashes.
He smoked a joint in Saudi Arabia.
A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards...
The steaks were pretty high
The Police Officer took my w**..., but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.
I was awarded Joint Custody.
My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and w**... that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!
It's a joint account
I wrote down my bucket list on a piece of paper, and my crush decided to use it to roll up her joint.
She is now high on the list of things I want to do before I die.
My wife tried to take away my baby m**... plants from me when we divorced
Thank god the court granted me joint custody
I wrote down the names of everyone I dislike on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.
He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
They named a chicken joint Popeye's...
...because they stick it in Olive Oil.
What do you call a Sith Lord with joint pain?
Darthritis
At the bank, I told the cashier, " I would like to open a joint account." .
He enquired, " With whom?"
I answered, " With whomsoever has lots of money."
A burglar breaks into a joint
While going through the owner's belongings a shrill voices goes:
"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!"
Slightly irritated, the burglar switches on the light and sees a parrot in the corner, repeating its line:
"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!"
Burglar: "Hahaha! Look at you, what's your name?"
Parrot: "Jared Leto"
Burglar: "That's an odd name for a parrot. Who would name their parrot 'Jared-Leto'?
Parrot: "The same person who would name his rottweiler 'Heavenly Father'!
*First Cake day joke!
Went to a burger joint a while ago
My son, 8 at the time, ordered sliders. When the waitress came with our orders, his plate fell and the food went everywhere. He looked at me straight-faced and said, "I guess that's why they call them sliders."
My buddy and I are opening a m**... dispensary together.
It's a joint venture.
What do you call a family that smokes w**... together?
Joint family.
I rolled my first joint last night!
Today I have an ankle the size of a football. :(
A couple of cows were smoking a joint while playing cards....
That's right, the steaks were pretty high.
My Uncle says that if you do something you love then you'll never work a day in your life
as he rolled yet another joint.
My debit card was declined at the local m**... dispencery today
Turns out the card was not linked to a joint account
Elon Musk and Bill Gates have decided to partner in a joint venture to invent a medication to overcome erectile dysfunction.
They have decided to name the new drug 'Elongates'.
Just a schoolgirl waiting for her dad…
While waiting for my dad, two of the school janitors came outside and started smoking a joint.
When my dad saw us, he ran into the cloud of smoke, grabbed me by the arm and shoved me into the car!
What's wrong with you? Why are you angry at ME? I protested. I didn't even do anything!
He glared at me in the rear view mirror. I will not have any daughter of mine wasting her time with high maintenance people!
A Doctor was chatting at a party with a Chartered Accountant.
He asked, "How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble. Just because I am a doctor.... not fair!"
The CA friend replied coolly, "Just tell them the right things politely but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning... only once! Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately!"
"Wow! Thanks for the tip, said the doctor."
Next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend, "Consulting charges for Business Development."
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my friend used the paper to roll a joint.
Now he's high on a list of people I never want to see again.
My s**... friend used my daily planner to roll up a joint
He's now high on my list of priorities.
What's the difference between a young and old person?
When you're young a joint is something you smoke, when you're old it's something that hurts
What is it called when a novelist has joint pain?
Authoritis
Hear about the s**... who's getting a divorce?
Yeah he's fighting for joint custody.
One of the janitor ladies at my work wanted to smoke a joint after work
I politely declined, I can't handle high maintenance women
Iron Man's leg joint is contrary to what's expected.
Iron knee.
I once called Michael Jackson to tell him that I had injured the joint in the middle of my leg.
He said **"A knee? Are you OK?"**
2 people came up to me and dislocated my finger,
It was a joint effort.
My wife and I tried to buy w**... at a dispensary, but we were told they only take cash or credit cards.
I told the clerk "It's OK. We have a joint checking account."
What do you call a group of people smoking w**...?
A Joint Coalition
President Biden has called for full legalization of m**...
Now it is up to Congress to hold a joint session.
So, we've all seen Biden's pardon for m**... users, but we need Bipartisan legislation....
We need Bipartisan legislation for the use of medical m**... for arthritis patients.
Joint support for joint support for joint support.
A friend of mine and I were both born on 4/20.
We always have a joint birthday party.
