Joined Jokes

Trip to the Doctor

Earlier today I was at the doctors office for my yearly physical but my regular Doctor was out. So in walks this beautiful blonde Doctor with the most amazing body... needless to say I was a little taken aback. She said she was fresh out of Medical School and had recently joined my regular Doctors practice. Halfway through my physical, she told me that I would need to stop m**..., when I asked "why?" she replied: "I'm not done giving you the physical".

So the Pope joined twitter so he can "Reach out to a younger generation."

He is certainly not the first Catholic to have done that.

Vow of Silence

Chap decides to to join a monastery. As a novice he is only allowed to speak two words to the prior, once every 7 years.
The first seven years go by and he whispers, "Cold floors..."
The next seven years go by and he whispers, "Bad food..."
Seven more years go by and he croaks, "I quit!"
The prior raises his eyebrows and replies, "I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you joined."

When I got depressed, I joined the Army.

I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.

Roger Waters nearly joined Earth, Wind & Fire.

Earth & Wind were pleased but Fire was a bit put out.

I just joined a support group.

Hokey Pokey Anonymous
With their help, I turned myself around.

Gym Joke

A guy who newly joined a gym asked the instructor which was the best machine in the gym which will make him attractive to girls.
The instructor replied,"the atm"

Did you hear the story about the anorexic woman who joined a convent?

Man, the chances of that are slim to nun.

Joanna joined work..

.. and was assigned a workstation next to Michaela.
Michaela smiled at her and asked her, 'Where are you from?'
Joanna furrowed her brows and replied curtly, 'Where I am from, we don't end questions with prepositions.'
Michaela answered coolly, 'Oh, I'm sorry. Where are you from, b**...?'

I was looking for a dating website with lots of Christians

So I joined Ashley Madison

I joined this church cause they said it was free.

Turns out it's pray-to-win.

Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.

We haven't met yet.

You ever hear the one about the super-competitive guy who joined a c**...?

He came in first *and* third.
(Ngaio Bealum)

I joined a cribbage cult recently

They practice peggin' rituals

My buddy joined Christian Mingle... it's going pretty well,

He got nailed three times in one night.

My friend William joined the army

He is uncomfortable with the phrase "Fire at Will"

Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?

I heard he was diploid.
(I'll show myself out...)

What would The Beatles have been called if Ringo never joined?

The Beatless

My wife told me I had to give up drinking

So I joined the AA.
Unfortunately, I joined the Automobile Association by mistake.
At least either way I'm on the road to recovery.

My other brother-in-law died.

He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

I joined a forum for people with Down syndrome.

Comments are disabled.

I recently joined a support group for people who peaked in high school.

It's called Crossfit

Why I Joined the Air Force

The DOD was conducting an all service briefing and the leader posed this question.
What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?
A sailor said, I'd step on it.
A soldier said, I'd squash it with my boot.
A marine said, I'd catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it.
An Airman said. I'd call room service and find out why there's a tent in my room.

I was woken up at 5am by a crow...

It just wouldn't stop cawing. After an hour I felt like shooting the d**... thing! Then another crow joined it and they started to have a jolly old conversation. I wanted to blow both their heads off! One more crow and there definitely would've been a m**....

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.
"But wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too, won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well? Won't they find out?"
"And who's gonna tell?"

Did you hear about the baby ghost who joined the football team?

He heard the coach say they needed a little team spirit.

What do you call a Zebra who joined a fraternity?

A Zebro

A brunette and redhead started laughing in the backyard when a blonde joined them.

The blonde said "What's so funny?" The honest brunette said, "Oh it's nothing." The tactful redhead said, "It's kind of an inside joke." The curious blonde said nothing, as she walked toward the back door.

h**... is in his Bunker

One day, h**... is in his bunker planning his strategy for the next phase of the war when there is a knock at the door. He says "enter" and Goebbels walks in.
"What is it Goebbels? Can't you see I'm busy?!" asks h**..., clearly irritated.
"Mein Fuhrer," says Goebbels, "I have news. The Italians joined the war today."
"No problem," replies h**..., "send a division against them."
"Mein Fuhrer, they are on our side."
"Ah," says h**..., "then send two divisions."

I woke up this morning to a robber in my house searching for money...

I joined him

What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say when he heard Anakin had joined the dark side?

(shrugs)
"Well, Sith happens"

I've been meaning to make more friends recently...

So I've joined a s**... cult and I'm going to hang with them for a while.

Arnold Schwarzenegger joined an Easter egg hunt but didn't find any eggs. His secretary asks "Does this mean you hate Easter now?"

He shakes his head and responds:
"I still love Easter baby."

My wife said I talked to much...

So I joined a support group, On-And-On Anon

Did you hear about the girl who joined six men on a fishing trip?

She came home with a red snapper.

When I joined the army to fight the cannibals, I was a fresh recruit.

But by the end I was a seasoned veteran

When I first joined the army they said that it'd be just like the movies

I didn't think that the movie they were referring to was brokeback mountain!

When I joined the Botswana Men's Choir, at first I was shy around everyone

But then we all just clicked.

I walked past a toy store with a huge line outside.

I asked what was going on and someone mentioned a complimentary lunch, so I joined in.
Bit dissapointing though, turned out to be a free Barbie queue.

A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.

He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice j**... and vases and stuff.

I finally broke down and joined Christian Mingle

My username is ComeGetPsalm

Why did Antman stop talking when he joined the x men??

He became a mute ant.

I accidentally joined an organization...

I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization.
When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman.

I'm part of a big band group called The Megabytes.

Our thousandth member recently joined, finally readying us for our debut live performance.
It'll be our first gig.

I played bass on the original s**... Doo theme song in 1969, then joined Metallica. AMA!

Fine, I didn't actually play the bass on the s**... Doo theme song, or in any band, but I'd have gotten away with it if it weren't for you metaling kids!

What did the Redditor that joined ISIS say?

I used to be in a band called the radiators...

We were a warm up act. Then I joined the duvets. We did mainly covers.

I've joined a band called the foreskins

We mostly play cheesy covers

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?

He said, Try the ATM outside.

A typographer joined the military

He was trained in Arial combat

My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.

I told him, "you will be mist".

Google Plus was the gym of social networking

We all joined but no one ever used it

College would cost me an arm and a leg...

But I joined the U.S. Military, so it only costed me an arm and a leg!

I've joined an online dating agency for arsonists.

They send me new matches every week.

Old McDonald's son joined the Army

G-I-G-I-Joe

It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress

I'm going there in-person to see what's going on

Jesus crucified on the cross yelled out Peter's name

Peter! Peter! Peter!
Peter wasn't allowed to go near the cross by the soldiers, so with great difficulty he fought them all off.
With tears in his eyes eventually he reached the cross and joined both his hands,
"What is it my lord?"
"Peter, i can see the roof of your house."

My son just told me he joined the Army. I asked him why and proudly, he said he joined up to kill people.

He's a terrible nurse.

Finally broke down and joined Christian Mingle.

My user name is: CumGetPsalmOfThisDick if you're looking for a good time.

Recently joined a Styx cover band

We play the same songs, but heavier. We're called Logz.

What do you call a college student who joined the paratroopers to pay off his student loans?

Debt from above.

I just joined a f**... group, but I'm not having any luck connecting with anyone.

Everybody I meet, it seems like I'm getting off on the wrong foot.

[Classic Old Joke] The son of an Arab oil tycoon joined a university in Berlin, after a month he sent an email to his dad.

'Dear Dad,
Germany is fine and the college is great. But I feel embarrassed to drive my gold plated Lamborghini to college when most of the students and even professors arrive by train'
Few hours later, he gets an email from his dad.
'Dear son ,
I just transferred $200 million to your bank account. Stop embarassing our family and buy a train for yourself'.

2 men discussing why they joined the army....

"I'm not married and I like war, so I joined the army." says the first man.
The second one replies, "I'm married and I like peace."

Did you hear about the racist chemist?

He joined the Potassium Potassium Potassium

In Wisconsin a woman donated a kidney to a dairy farmer and he was so grateful he agreed to marry her. The preacher said: what God has joined let no man put asunder. The groom interrupted: what's asunder?

The preacher said apart. The farmer said a part of what? Apart from your wife said the now frustrated minister. The groom said s**...! I already got a part from her.

I joined the neighborhood watch program last night...

There's 7 of us, so I get to wear it 1 day a week.

I joined a math contest the other day

And against all odds,
​
I was severely outnumbered

I can't believe I only joined Liars Anonymous this morning..

And they've already made me president.

I joined a Christian dating site

And got Holy Ghosted