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Johnson Jokes

177 johnson jokes and hilarious johnson puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about johnson that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh out loud with Anjelah Johnson's hilarious jokes about PartyGateJones, Parker, and Gneiss. Enjoy all the best Johnson Jokes guaranteed to make you laugh and smile.

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Funniest Johnson Short Jokes

Short johnson jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The johnson humour may include short gneiss jokes also.

  1. Why did Dwayne 'the rock' Johnson's family get tested for COVID-19 They couldn't smell what the rock was cooking.
  2. Camouflage training at the military Captain: I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE training TODAY JOHNSON!!
    Johnson: Thank you sir!
  3. My friend at work got the Johnson and Johnson vaccine and said he didn't feel too good the next day I told him, "What do you expect from taking two Johnsons at once?"
  4. My son asked if he could meet the British Prime Minister I said "Boris Johnson? Liz Truss will probably be too busy. What do you want to meet Rishi Sunak for anyway?"
  5. I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool for the origami workshop... I can't believe I lost the Rock's Paper
    Scissors...
  6. Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision... Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.
  7. I was cornered by Dwayne Johnson in front of a Hallmark store. I was caught between The Rock and a card place.
  8. The lockdown is costing us billions every day! Should we really push this debt on the next generation? Let me remind you of the average age of a Tory voter. We can not afford to lose them.
  9. At an AC/DC concert... Brian Johnson: You guys ready to rock?
    Crowd: YESSSSSS
    Brian Johnson: I can't hear you!
  10. Dwayne Johnson and his family all contracted COVID.. They figured it out when they couldn't smell what the rock was cooking.

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Johnson One Liners

Which johnson one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with johnson? I can suggest the ones about magic johnson and sedimentary.

  1. How does The Rock pee? He Dwaynes his Johnson.
  2. Why does eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine? You only get one shot…
  3. What do Irish people call a Dwayne Johnson impersonator? A Sham-Rock
  4. Does Dwayne Johnson purchase bulk shears? No.
    The Rock pay per scissors
  5. Why is Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson always so sad? Everyone takes him for granite.
  6. Who decided to call it "Dwayne Johnson's wrestling Career" instead of... Classic Rock?
  7. What's Boris Johnson's favourite TV show? Deal or No Deal
  8. I was at Boris Johnson's lockdown party It was pretty conservative.
  9. If you give Dwayne Johnson a spanking... It means you've just hit Rock bottom.
  10. What do Boris Johnson and Tottenham Hotspur have in common? An empty cabinet
  11. Who's the one person Medusa cannot turn to stone? Dwayne Johnson
  12. What do you call an Asian Dwayne Johnson? The Wok.
  13. TIL: of mathematician Katherine Johnson who died at 101 years old She was in her prime.
  14. Why is Dwayne Johnson the bravest man alive? Because he's Boulder than all the rest!
  15. What do you call Dwayne Johnson on the moon? A moon rock

Dwayne Johnson Jokes

Here is a list of funny dwayne johnson jokes and even better dwayne johnson puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I never realised Dwayne Johnson lived in the apartment above us. All this time we had been living under a rock.
  • i just realized Dwayne Johnson was living above my appartment. i was living under The Rock for a very long time.
  • You know, Dwayne Johnson was always a special kid... In third grade, all the other kids drew a family tree. Little dwayne made a family quarry.
  • A few years ago, I used to live next door to both Dwayne Johnson and the pop group that sang 'Take On Me'. I was stuck between a Rock and A-ha's place.
  • You know, the saddest thing about Dwayne Johnson's success as a movie actor is how he's completely forgotten his brothers who got him there. Paper and Scissors.
  • Why do movies with Kevin Hart and Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson pairing do well in the box office? Because they have a little Hart and a big Johnson
  • What do Dwayne Johnson impersonators and three-leaf clovers have in common? They're both shamrocks.
  • I remember once I was forced to choose between Dwayne Johnson and a lifetime supply of frozen fish. I was stuck between a Rock and a hard plaice.
  • What happened to vin diesel when Dwayne Johnson pinned him against a brick wall? He found himself between The Rock and a hard place.
  • Why doesn't Dwayne Johnson's downstairs neighbor understand references to current events? He's been living under The Rock.

Boris Johnson Jokes

Here is a list of funny boris johnson jokes and even better boris johnson puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • As the finances of rishi sunak’s wife come under intense media scrutiny, Boris Johnson says if everyone could keep talking about it until about January that’d be great.
  • But are we sure Rishi will have the resources to pay the fine? Boris will clearly borrow it from a donor.
  • What's the difference between a point in a distribution whose value is much higher than the rest and Boris Johnson? One is an outlier to the right, the other is an outright liar.
  • I used to think that Boris Johnson getting corona must be the irony of the century. However, it just got trumped.
  • Great Britains new Prime Minister Did you see that Boris Johnson might be the next Prime Minister of Great Britain? I remember when the U.S. had a BJ in the top office!
  • Boris Johnson said everything would be back to normal on 21st June Julyed
  • Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Boris Johnson walk into a room...Oh God. This isn't even a joke anymore. Help
  • Yesterday, UK protesters tore down monuments of Boris Johnson and Theresa May Lawyers assume that they will be charged for a statue-tory crime
  • Boris ventilator joke Boris Johnson joked to senior company bosses that the scheme to build more ventilators in such a short time frame could be called 'Operation Last Gasp'.
  • Why did Boris Johnson Brexit? Because just imagine the baby he'd have made if he hadn't pulled out of Angela Merkel!

Magic Johnson Jokes

Here is a list of funny magic johnson jokes and even better magic johnson puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Kobe was one of the best Lakers players of all time But Magic Johnson was definitely the most positive.
  • There's nothing scarier then a mosquito coming out of Magic Johnson's house
  • That's magic... I saw Magic Johnson yesterday, so I shook his hand and said, "How do you
    do, Magic?"
    He replied, "No idea , basketball's more my thing."
  • Why does Magic Johnson love the life he lives? Because he went from Negative to Positive.
  • Magic Johnson walks into the mirror portion of a fun house... Visual Aids.
  • Girl do you play basketball? Because I hear you can make Magic with my Johnson.
  • Why did basketball players switch to longer shorts? Because you couldn't see Larry's Bird but you could see Magic's Johnson.
  • Magic used to say Byrd could play like he had 3 legs. Yep. Something Magic Johnson, Kareem Abdul and Wilt know a lot about.
  • Why did Kareem Abdul-Jabbar give up being a Wizard? Cuz he got jealous every time his wife asked to ride his Magic Johnson
  • Did you know that Magic Johnson was in the video for Michael Jackson's Remember The Time? Maybe that's why I now have hearing aids....

Big Johnson Jokes

Here is a list of funny big johnson jokes and even better big johnson puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I heard that for his role in the Baywatch movie Dwayne Johnson dropped down to 238 lbs from 260 lbs so he could look more ripped than 'big'. I guess that would make him a metamorphic Rock.
  • Down With Big *Johnson*!
Johnson joke, Down With Big *Johnson*!

Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Johnson Jokes

What funny jokes about johnson you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean boulder jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make johnson pranks.

An elderly man and woman enter the bar and ask the bartender for their usual drinks.

The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone."
The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental exercises that have helped me to remember all the important things in life."
The bartender says, "That's great! What's the therapist's name?"
The elderly gentleman looks confused before snapping his fingers, "What's that flower? The red one with thorns on its stem?"
The bartender answers, "A rose?"
"Yes, that's it," the older man smiles before turning to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that therapist I've been seeing?"

Mr. Steve Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana.

He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter, and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

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What do you call it when someone has s**... with Dwayne Johnson?

Rock Climbing.
heh.

Old man Johnson and his world-champion pole vaulting neighbor are really one in the same...

They both grip their sticks and try to get it up.

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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Did you know that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson use to be addicted to h**...?

He almost died one day, until he finally decided to lay the s**... down.

The bull

A farmer is driving his tractor through his field when he spots his neighbor's five year old walking an enormous bull with a leash.
"Hey sweety! Where are ya headin' with that big bull?"
"Hiya Mr. Johnson! Imma takin' it to Maynard's t'mount his cows."
"Good, good... but cantya daddy go instead?"
"Naw, Mr. Johnson... the bull has t'go."

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At The Nikon Headquarters

We need random people in a room to test and sample our new lenses
"A focus group?"
d**... JOHNSON THIS IS NO TIME FOR JOKES

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What is another way of 'saying caught between a rock and a hard place'?

Having a t**... with Dwayne Johnson

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What did the d**... say to Dwayne Johnson before they got started?

I'm about to be peoples elbow deep in the rocks bottom.

I once hung out with Dwyane Johnson and Danny Trejo...

...and I was literally stucked between the Rock and a hard face. ^^

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Guys, I think I found the Cure to Aids!

It requires having a Magic Johnson.

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What did the umpire say when r**... Johnson hit a bird with his pitch?

Fowl ball.

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Private Investigator

"Mr. Johnson, I've been doing some digging, and your wife has been having s**... with another man for about two weeks."
"What?! My wife died three weeks ago."
"Yeah. I SAID I've been doing some digging."
-----

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I got in a fight with Dwayne Johnson.

I got in a fight with Dwayne Johnson. As I threw the first punch, he turned around on the spot. And that, that is when I knew I'd hit rock bottom.

Bernie Sanders fans say "Feel the Bern." Gary Johnson fans say

Feel the Johnson.

I think Adam Johnson should remain on FIFA 16

Because it means that kids will get to play with him for once

Good news!

Doctor: I have a really good news for you Mrs Johnson
Woman: Well, my name is Ms Johnson
Doctor: In that case, I have a really bad news for you Ms Johnson!

Andrew Johnson was the first US leader to ever be impeached.

You could say it was unpresidented.

I once had a selfie with Dwayne Johnson at the Alcatraz Island (during an SF City Tour)...

Now I know what it feels to be stucked between The Rock and A Hard Place...

"Mommy mommy in school the kids call me shampoo"

"Come on Johnson no more tears"

my wife got mad at me after picking out baby names...

she like it for the first week then it clicked for her... i said Peter Brian Johnson for a baby boy and Veronica Jessica Johnson for a baby girl...

Why the USA get silver in synchronized diving?

Because Steele Johnson always comes second.

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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

How did the cheerleader get magic AIDS?

A Magic Johnson.

Libertarian Presidential Candidate's new Campaign, inspired by Bernie Sanders.

"Feel the Johnson"

Gary Johnson withdraws from the Libertarian Ticket. Replaced by Harambe.

That's right. Johnsons out for Harambe!

I wanted some Lipo D energy drink, so I asked Gary Johnson if knew where I could find some. He asked me back...

What's a lipo?

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Gary Johnson is at a fundraiser

Gary Johnson is at a fundraiser for the upcoming election. Worn out from being in the spotlight, he propositions a h**... and heads to a hotel room. Once inside, they rip their clothes off and start making out. She throws him on the bed and seductively asks "Do you enjoy felacio?" He looks at her with a blank face:
"Man, can't anyone cut me a break?"

Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns

By keeping his mouth shut.

If Dwane Johnson were to actually run for President...

He could only lose to paper.

Fidel Castro and 11 Presidents

Fidel Castro survived 11
Presidents of the United States
-Eisenhower
-Kennedy
-Johnson
-Nixon
-Ford
-Carter
-Reagan
-Bush
-Clinton
-GW Bush
-Obama
But he couldn't take 15 days of Trump

Dwayne Johnson was named sexiest man alive...

A lot of girls want to be stuck between the Rock and a hard place.

So Gary Johnson got a tinder profile...

He's a great third party man-to-date.

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What do Magic Johnson, Charlie Sheen and roughly 250,000 children in Africa have in common?

A continuing chance to create a better tomorrow.
You **sick** b**....

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So Magic Johnson is now the President of Basketball Operations for the Lakers...

And apparently it was out of line for me to ask if he is running it on his own or if he has aids.

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What do you call a gay-p**... starring Dwayne Johnson and Johnny Depp?

"*Rock Beats Scissors*"

There was this lion tamer who wore only a loincloth...

Claude Johnson

My doctor called with my test results

"Just as you suspected, Mr. Johnson, you have hypochondria."

I heard that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is thinking in running for President.

The only way he's winning if he's going against scissors.

There have been two presidential impeachments in the history of the United States...

One involved a Johnson from the south and some violations relating to a staff member and the other was the 1868 impeachment of Andrew Johnson.

I got a statue of Dwayne Johnson for outside my house

Whenever anyone asks about it, I get to tell them it's in The Rock Garden

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A gay man wakes up in bed with Dwayne Johnson...

and realizes that he'**... Rock bottom.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

My boyfriend wanted a t**... with Dwayne Johnson.

It was fun, but I wish we had gone a little slower with it, because I found myself between a Rock and a hard place pretty quickly.

Cop walks up to my window and asks, "Mr. Johnson, have you been drinking"?

I said, "Why, is there a fat girl in my back seat?"

I heard they are going to remake that movie "127 Hours"

and cast Dwayne Johnson as the rock.

Did you hear about Dwayne Johnson and the cinnamon bun?

They say it's rock and roll.

So you don't know the nicknames of WWE Superstars?

What, are you living under a Dwayne Johnson?

A father gets a phone call from his son's teacher

A father is at work when he gets a call from his son's teacher.
"Hello Mr. Johnson, I was in the middle of a lecture today when your son just got up and left the room without a word. I'm very worried about him, is he alright?"
The father just laughed and said "oh you have nothing to worry about, Billy has been sleepwalking since he was 5 years old!"

A lady was accused of slapping the buttocks of Dwayne Johnson

She hit rock bottom

Dwayne Johnson was once called out for claiming false Irish heritage.

It was a sham rock.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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s**... Is Like Algebra

Mr. Johnson keeps on making me do it

What's the only way to defeat Dwayne Johnson?

Paper

A man ends up in a 30-year coma.

After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.
He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your savings portfolio is $950 billion."
The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon as he can.
When he comes to the bar, he says "I'd like a coffee, please.".
The cashier tells him "That'd be $30 billion.".

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What's the most oxymoronic job ever?

Well, I've never had a p**... blow puffs of air on my Johnson...

UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway.

This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!

How does Dwyane Johnson sleep after a long day?

Like a rock

date: i like a lot of music but i'm really into rock

me: [trying to impress her] oh yeah me too
date: really? what's your favorite subgenre?
me: [visibly sweating] d-dwayne johnson

What would Dwane Johnson be if he transformed into a giant mythical bird?

He'd be The Roc.

If Dwayne Johnson was Romanian, what would his name be?

Dwayne Tuderesceau

I finally hit rock bottom today.

Dwayne Johnson was not pleased.

Tom Brady and Chad Johnson were out downtown late at night.

Chad told Tom to go buy some gum for them, then gave Tom a quarter. After around 10 minutes Chad notices Tom hasn't come back yet, so he goes to look for him. After 5 minutes of looking Chad sees Tom being drug across the street, and in the mans left hand he holds the quarter that Chad gave Tom. Chad yells loudly, "HEY MAN GIMME MY QUARTER BACK!"

Johnson joke, Tom Brady and Chad Johnson were out downtown late at night.

jokes about johnson