johnson Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious johnson puns

A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.

I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:

"Your chest is fucking epic."

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How does The Rock pee?

He Dwaynes his Johnson.

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If I spank Dwayne Johnson...

does that mean I hit Rock bottom?

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As told to me by an 85 year old shriner clown.

Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "gee Susie, what's going on?"

Susie says "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious."

Mr. Johnson asks "why are you digging a hole?"

Susie replies "I'm burying my gold fish."

Mr Johnson laughs and asks "Why is the hole so big?"

Susie replies "Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat".

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I followed Dwayne Johnson for an hour and when he wasn't looking I slapped his arse. He turned around and punched me in the face.

That's what happens when you hit rock bottom.

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Camouflage training at the military

Captain: I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY JOHNSON!!

Johnson: Thank you sir!

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What do you call a gay-porno starring Dwayne Johnson and Johnny Depp?

"*Rock Beats Scissors*"

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A man ends up in a 30-year coma.

After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.

He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your savings portfolio is $950 billion."

The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon as he can.

When he comes to the bar, he says "I'd like a coffee, please.".

The cashier tells him "That'd be $30 billion.".

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Doctor's office has a fire and loses all their records...

"I'm sorry Mr. Johnson but the results of your wife's test came back positive, but I can't remember if it was AIDS or Alzheimer's" said the doctor.

"Well that's not very helpful. What the hell am I to do?"

The doctor thinks for a bit and says "I have an idea. Take her out to the woods and leave her; if she finds her way back home, don't fuck her".

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Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision...

Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.

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An elderly man and woman enter the bar and ask the bartender for their usual drinks.

The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone."

The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental exercises that have helped me to remember all the important things in life."

The bartender says, "That's great! What's the therapist's name?"

The elderly gentleman looks confused before snapping his fingers, "What's that flower? The red one with thorns on its stem?"

The bartender answers, "A rose?"

"Yes, that's it," the older man smiles before turning to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that therapist I've been seeing?"

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One day in Kindergarten Class...

One day in Kindergarten Class, Ms. Johnson decided to teach the children about fruit. She put different fruits into a paper bag and started describing to the kids what fruit she had; the children were then supposed to guess what kind of fruit she had.

To start she reached in and said, "Okay, this fruit is yellow, firm, and curvy."
A little boy, by the name of Johnny who was notorious for giving wrong answers, raises his hand and yells, "Pear!"
Ms. Johnson says, "Nope, it's a banana, but I like your thinking."

She reaches in again and says, "Okay this one's small, red, and has a stem."
The boy raises his hand, even more excitedly than before, and yells, "Cherry!"
She says, "Nope, it's an apple, but I like your thinking."

"Okay, class," She says, "One more fruit: it's big, firm, and has seeds in it."
The little boy is about to piss himself from excitement and yells, "Pumpkin!"
"Nope," she says, "it's a Honeydew, but I like your thinking."

The boy's really pissed off and stands up yelling, "I have a game: I'll reach into my pants and tell you what I find. Okay, it's round, hard, and has a head on it."
Ms. Johnson is outraged and yells, "Johnny, that's DISGUSTING!!!"
He says, "Nope, it's a quarter, but I like your thinking."

I hope this hasn't been posted already :/

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A man goes to church on Easter Sunday and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife asks him how he got the black eyes.

Man: Old Ms. Johnson was sitting in front of me during mass, when she stood up I noticed her dress was stuck in butt crack, so I reached out and gently tugged it out. She spun around, was really mad and punched me in the eye.

Wife: that explains one black eye, what about the other one?

Man: I figured she must have liked her dress stuck up in her butt crack, so when she turned around I stuffed it back up there for her.

Happy Easter :)

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Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson just found out 2 of his kids are gay...

...I guess you can say they are fruity pebbles.

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Forgive Your Enemies

The preacher's Sunday sermon was 'Forgive Your Enemies.'

He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands.

He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three," she replied.

"Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived every one of those bitches!"

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A man was playing a round of golf.

When he came to his favorite par 3, he hit the most glorious shot, and it rolled right in, getting a hole in one. When he picked up the ball, a genie appeared.

"Behold, I am the magic hole in one genie! I will grant you one wish. "
" Wow, well can you make my Johnson longer?"
"Your wish is my command!"

As the round went on, the man started to realize that his junk has been growing the whole game until it finally was hanging out the bottom of his pants leg. Furious, the man returned to the same hole where the genie resided. He hit ball after ball until he finally got another hole in one. The genie appeared again.
"Behold I am the... "
"I know who the hell you are. Look at what you've done." The man lifted up his pants and showed the genie his deal.
"So what is your wish?" asked the genie.
"Can you make my legs a little longer?"


My golf teacher told me this one today.

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The hundred dollar tattoo

Joe gets home late one night and his wife immediately gets on his case. Where in the hell have you been? She says.

Chill out He replies, I was out getting a tattoo.

A tattoo? she frowned. What kind of tattoo did you get?

I got a hundred dollar bill on my johnson, he said proudly.

What the hell were you thinking? she said, shaking her head, Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his dick?

Well, I was thinking; I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, I like the feel of money in my hand. And lastly, instead of going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!

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Little Billy was in class, learning about Custard's last stand...

The teacher asked all the kids to draw a picture of what they thought was going through the mind of General Custer. Little Billy drew a cow witha halo over it's head and a bunch of Indians having sex. "Um... Billy, what is this?" The teacher asked. Little Billy responded, "It's what General Custer was thinking, Ms. Johnson... 'Holy cow, look at all the fucking Indians. "

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What is another way of 'saying caught between a rock and a hard place'?

Having a threesome with Dwayne Johnson

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UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway.

This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!

(Credits to /u/canalavity and /u/chrisjd)

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What do Magic Johnson, Charlie Sheen and roughly 250,000 children in Africa have in common?

A continuing chance to create a better tomorrow.

You **sick** bastards.

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Does Dwayne Johnson purchase bulk shears?

No.

The Rock pay per scissors

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At an AC/DC concert...

Brian Johnson: You guys ready to rock?
Crowd: YESSSSSS
Brian Johnson: I can't hear you!

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A routine call to an elderly patient..

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients.
He asks, And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?
Mr. Johnson replies, I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!
The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers.
The doctor tells her, Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on…
Mrs. Johnson yells, STEVEN! Daddy's peeing in the refrigerator again!

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Black Testicles

An older man is in the hospital. A nurse walks in and he asks, "Are my testicles black?" The nurse, taken by surprise replies, "I'm sorry?" So he asks again "Are my testicles black?" Nurse shakes her head but decides to check for him, after all she is a nurse. She lifts his robe, takes his testicles in hand, lifts and inspect them. She lowers his robe, raises back up to him and says " Mr. Johnson, you'll be happy to hear your testicles aren't black." He looks at her, removing his oxygen mask and says, "That's great and all but are my test results back?"

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A father gets a phone call from his son's teacher

A father is at work when he gets a call from his son's teacher.
"Hello Mr. Johnson, I was in the middle of a lecture today when your son just got up and left the room without a word. I'm very worried about him, is he alright?"

The father just laughed and said "oh you have nothing to worry about, Billy has been sleepwalking since he was 5 years old!"

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I never realised Dwayne Johnson lived in the apartment above us.

All this time we had been living under a rock.

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Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot.

He had just one problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just couldn't resist going next door. Besides, he figured she was bluffing.

Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot had been fucking his chickens again. Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers.

That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house. Before it
started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front door. "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano tonight. Now, don't you dare move."

Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare,
and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano. Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they arrived, he would say hello to them. Just then, two bald-headed men came to the door.

Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you
chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!"

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Fidel Castro and 11 Presidents

Fidel Castro survived 11
Presidents of the United States

-Eisenhower

-Kennedy

-Johnson

-Nixon

-Ford

-Carter

-Reagan

-Bush

-Clinton

-GW Bush

-Obama

But he couldn't take 15 days of Trump

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Why is Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson always so sad?

Everyone takes him for granite.

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Kobe was one of the best Lakers players of all time

But Magic Johnson was definitely the most positive.

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Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns

By keeping his mouth shut.

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You know, Dwayne Johnson was always a special kid...

In third grade, all the other kids drew a family tree. Little dwayne made a family quarry.

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Sex Is Like Algebra

Mr. Johnson keeps on making me do it

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Mr. Steve Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana.

He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter, and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

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What are the most funny Johnson jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Johnson? Well, here are the best Johnson dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Johnson pick up lines to share with friends.

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