Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Johnson Jokes
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson just found out 2 of his kids are gay...
...I guess you can say they are fruity pebbles.
An elderly man and woman enter the bar and ask the bartender for their usual drinks.
The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone."
The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental exercises that have helped me to remember all the important things in life."
The bartender says, "That's great! What's the therapist's name?"
The elderly gentleman looks confused before snapping his fingers, "What's that flower? The red one with thorns on its stem?"
The bartender answers, "A rose?"
"Yes, that's it," the older man smiles before turning to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that therapist I've been seeing?"
Mr. Steve Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana.
He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter, and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."
Why is Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson always so sad?
Everyone takes him for granite.
What is another way of 'saying caught between a rock and a hard place'?
Having a t**... with Dwayne Johnson
Private Investigator
"Mr. Johnson, I've been doing some digging, and your wife has been having s**... with another man for about two weeks."
"What?! My wife died three weeks ago."
"Yeah. I SAID I've been doing some digging."
-----
Credit to MrProsserDreamsOfWar
Good news!
Doctor: I have a really good news for you Mrs Johnson
Woman: Well, my name is Ms Johnson
Doctor: In that case, I have a really bad news for you Ms Johnson!
Kobe was one of the best Lakers players of all time
But Magic Johnson was definitely the most positive.
At an AC/DC concert...
Brian Johnson: You guys ready to rock?
Crowd: YESSSSSS
Brian Johnson: I can't hear you!
Great Britains new Prime Minister
Did you see that Boris Johnson might be the next Prime Minister of Great Britain? I remember when the U.S. had a BJ in the top office!
Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns
By keeping his mouth shut.
You can explore johnson gneiss reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean johnson richards dad jokes. There are also johnson puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Fidel Castro and 11 Presidents
Fidel Castro survived 11
Presidents of the United States
-Eisenhower
-Kennedy
-Johnson
-Nixon
-Ford
-Carter
-Reagan
-Bush
-Clinton
-GW Bush
-Obama
But he couldn't take 15 days of Trump
What do Magic Johnson, Charlie Sheen and roughly 250,000 children in Africa have in common?
A continuing chance to create a better tomorrow.
You **sick** b**....
What do you call a gay-p**... starring Dwayne Johnson and Johnny Depp?
"*Rock Beats Scissors*"
A gay man wakes up in bed with Dwayne Johnson...
and realizes that he'**... Rock bottom.
Cop walks up to my window and asks, "Mr. Johnson, have you been drinking"?
I said, "Why, is there a fat girl in my back seat?"
A father gets a phone call from his son's teacher
A father is at work when he gets a call from his son's teacher.
"Hello Mr. Johnson, I was in the middle of a lecture today when your son just got up and left the room without a word. I'm very worried about him, is he alright?"
The father just laughed and said "oh you have nothing to worry about, Billy has been sleepwalking since he was 5 years old!"
Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision...
Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.
You know, Dwayne Johnson was always a special kid...
In third grade, all the other kids drew a family tree. Little dwayne made a family quarry.
Camouflage training at the military
Captain: I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY JOHNSON!!
Johnson: Thank you sir!
If I s**... Dwayne Johnson...
does that mean I hit Rock bottom?
I never realised Dwayne Johnson lived in the apartment above us.
All this time we had been living under a rock.
A few years ago, I used to live next door to both Dwayne Johnson and the pop group that sang 'Take On Me'.
I was stuck between a Rock and A-ha's place.
s**... Is Like Algebra
Mr. Johnson keeps on making me do it
Does Dwayne Johnson purchase bulk shears?
No.
The Rock pay per scissors
A man ends up in a 30-year coma.
After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.
He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your savings portfolio is $950 billion."
The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon as he can.
When he comes to the bar, he says "I'd like a coffee, please.".
The cashier tells him "That'd be $30 billion.".
Why is Dwayne Johnson the bravest man alive?
Because he's Boulder than all the rest!
UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway.
This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!
I remember once I was forced to choose between Dwayne Johnson and a lifetime supply of frozen fish.
I was stuck between a Rock and a hard plaice.
How does The Rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson.
What would Dwane Johnson be if he transformed into a giant mythical bird?
He'd be The Roc.
Who's the one person Medusa cannot turn to stone?
Dwayne Johnson
What do Dwayne Johnson impersonators and three-leaf clovers have in common?
They're both shamrocks.
Best math teacher ever!
Mr. Johnson never makes us do any work, so all 25 of us are pitching in $6.17 to get him that cool new $50,000 Corvette he wants. Thanks Mr. Johnson!
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the Dwayne Johnson Rule.
I'd never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson? If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, Your chest is epic.
Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rock's paper scissors.
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.
Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".
What do you call Dwayne Johnson on the moon?
A moon rock
I auditioned for the WWE a few years ago
I auditioned for the WWE a few years ago under the wrestling name 'Paperman'.
I failed to get in though.
At the time Dwayne Johnson was the champion, and the bosses didn't want me beating him.
Dwayne Johnson and his family all contracted COVID..
They figured it out when they couldn't smell what the rock was cooking.
I used to think that Boris Johnson getting corona must be the irony of the century.
However, it just got trumped.
Of course trump will challenge the results. He will not take no for an answer.
Just ask Ivana trump, Jill hearth, Jean carrol, summer zervos, alva Johnson, Jessica leeds, Kristen Anderson, Lisa boyne, Cathy heller, temple McDowell, Amy dorris, Karena Virginia, karen Johnson, mindy mcgillivary, Jennifer Murphy, Rachael crooks, Natasha stoynoff, juillet huddy, Jessica drake, ninni laaksonen, Cassandra searless, Mariah billado, Victoria Hughes, Bridget Sullivan, Tasha Dixon, and Samantha holvey.
Why do movies with Kevin Hart and Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson pairing do well in the box office?
Because they have a little Hart and a big Johnson
Adam Johnson, the man pictured carrying House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's lectern during the Capitol riot, has been arrested in Florida
His lawyer has confirmed that at trial he will not be taking the stand.
Adam Johnson, the man seen carrying House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's lecture during the siege has been arrested.
His lawyer said that at the trial he won't be taking the stand.
How do you beat Dwayne Johnson in a fight?
Throw paper at him
my brother and i are totally failing at reaching out to women's groups to let them know of new vaccine availability
not one response to our invitation to a johnson & johnson injection
Johnson & Johnson have hired Eminem as a celebrity spokesperson for their COVID vaccine.
Because you only get one shot.
Why did Dwayne Johnson beat 2 Gay women?
Because Rock beats scissors.
What did Eminem say while administering the Johnson & Johnson vaccine?
You only get one shot.
what happens when you slap Dwayne johnson in the b**...?
You hit rock bottom.
My friend at work got the Johnson and Johnson vaccine and said he didn't feel too good the next day
I told him, "What do you expect from taking two Johnsons at once?"
Mr. Johnson walked into a movie theater and sat down next to a dog who was at the theater with his owner.
Much to Mr. Johnson's astonishment, the dog laughed at the funny parts, cried at the sad parts, booed at the villain's wicked deeds, and cheered at the hero's heroics.
When they left the theater, Mr. Johnson told the dog owner, "Your dog's reactions to that movie were amazing!"
"I thought so too!" replied the dog owner. "He hated the book."
TIL: of mathematician Katherine Johnson who died at 101 years old
She was in her prime.
Why does Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine?
You only get one shot…
A skeleton is waiting to see a doctor.
The doctor walks in, spots the skeleton, and says Ah, Mister Johnson! I haven't seen you since we misplaced your femur! How are you doing?
The skeleton sighs and replies Honestly doctor, I've got a bone to pick with you.
What's the difference between a point in a distribution whose value is much higher than the rest and Boris Johnson?
One is an outlier to the right, the other is an outright liar.
A dying kid makes a wish to meet Dwayne Johnson
Dwayne sits at the side of the hospital bed and asks the kid if he was a fan of wrestling.
The kid says yeah, and that he knows his only weakness.
Dwayne looks puzzled, and asks what it is.
"Come closer" says the kid.
Dwayne leans in, and the kid shows him his open palm. Dwayne looks confused, and the next second the kid slaps him full power across the face.
"Paper beats rock."
The Rock
How does The Rock pee ??
He Dwaynes his Johnson.
You won't believe the reason Eminem stopped being antivax and decided to get the Johnson & Johnson vaccine!!
You only get one shot.
Pilot Bob Johnson, age 85, died peacefully in his sleep last Tuesday.
The rest of his passengers weren't so lucky.
I just heard Johnson & Johnson is splitting into two companies.
I wonder which Johnson will be bigger.
What do you call an Asian Dwayne Johnson?
The Wok.
Dwayne Johnson and his friend went out to buy oars for a big Viking boat.
The oar salesman said vou can either pay 9.99$ per oar or if you buy six at once, it's only 5.00$ per oar
SO Johnson's friend said Rock, pay per six oars
Mr. Johnson went to his doctor's office to have a physical exam done. The nurse asked, "How tall are you?"
"I'm about six foot two," said Mr. Johnson. The nurse measured him and found that he was only five foot six.
"How much do you weigh?" asked the nurse.
"Around 150 pounds." The nurse weighed him and found that he weighed 200 pounds.
Then she took his blood pressure. "Your blood pressure is incredibly high," she said.
"What do you expect?" sputtered Mr. Johnson. "Before I came here I was tall and thin. Now I'm short and fat!"
Boris Johnson and the Queen are riding in the horse-drawn Royal carriage along the Royal Mile...
Suddenly, the horse lets out a long, godalmighty f**..., the kind that sounds like it could s**... paint.
The Queen, embarrassed, leans to Boris and says "I'm sorry about that".
And Boris replies "That's quite alright, ma'am, I thought it was the horse."
I was cornered by Dwayne Johnson in front of a Hallmark store.
I was caught between The Rock and a card place.
What do Boris Johnson and Tottenham Hotspur have in common?
An empty cabinet
If you give Dwayne Johnson a spanking...
It means you've just hit Rock bottom.
Celebrity m**...
Dwayne Johnson was murdered in a hotel room he was staying at. Police were called as soon as the body was discovered, and they did some investigating.
An officer knocked on the door of someone living one floor down. He asked the man who answered if he heard anything unusual above him, but he didn't know what the officer was talking about.
He was living under The Rock all this time and had no idea what was going on.
what happens if you s**... dwayne johnson
you hit rock bottom
A large movie studio is making a movie about famous musical composers played by very muscular actors. They had all of the actors choose who they wanted to be.
Dwayne Johnson chose Mozart.
Lou Ferrigno wanted Beethoven.
When asked who he wanted to play, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, I'll be Bach.
[OC] i just realized Dwayne Johnson was living above my appartment.
i was living under The Rock for a very long time.
My son asked if he could meet the British Prime Minister
I said "Boris Johnson? Liz Truss will probably be too busy. What do you want to meet Rishi Sunak for anyway?"
Dwayne Johnson wants to move to a peninsula south of Spain.
He wants to be the Rock of Gibraltar.
What do Irish people call a Dwayne Johnson impersonator?
A Sham-Rock
