John Jokes
151 john jokes and hilarious john puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about john that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a laugh? Check out this article for some of the best John jokes around—from Porta John to Robert, and from Johnnie to Peter! Whether you’re here for a good giggle or just to dust off your old joke repertoire, this is the place for you.
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Funniest John Short Jokes
Short john jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The john humour may include short jack jokes also.
- Jesus drove a Honda, but never spoke of it. "For I speak not of my own Accord" - John 12:49
- A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, HIJACK! All passengers got scared.
From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, HI JOHN! - John Cena woke up from a coma John Cena: Where am I?
Nurse: ICU
John Cena: No you don't. - Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous." Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"
surgeon: "I know, I am" - I started calling my toilet the "Jim"... instead of the John.
It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning. - Your mother has been with us for 20 years, said John. Isn't it time she got a place of her own? My mother? replied Helen. I thought she was *your* mother.
- And God said to John: "Come forth and receive eternal life". But he came fifth and won a toaster.
- I wouldn't be mad. And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But John came fifth and won a toaster.
- If a man's signature is called a "John Hancock" what do you call a woman's? Historically insignificant.
Full disclosure: Heard on the radio this morning on my way to work. - Adding a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence For example:
Jeffrey ate John's sandwich.
Jeffrey ate John's colon.
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John One Liners
Which john one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with john? I can suggest the ones about mark and anon.
- "sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head." - John. F. Kennedy
- Elton John bought his pet rabbit to the gym... "It's a little fit bunny...."
- His original name was John Kennedy They added the F later to pay respects
- I just read John F Kennedy's biography The end was mind blowing
- I've decided to sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay Imagine all the PayPal!
- Nikke Bella is divorcing John Cena Supposedly, she couldn't see him.
- John Deere's manure spreader... ...is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.
- what do you call John, Paul and George without Ringo? The Beatless
- All flights from John Lennon Airport are cancelled. Imagine all the people.
- What do you call an unknown baker? John Dough
- Every day I say to myself, John you have to quit drinking. Thank god my name isn't John.
- John Candy offered John Goodman sweets John: Candy?
John: Nah, I'm good, man. - If John has 50 candy bars and eats 45, what does John have? Diabetes. John has diabetes.
- What do you call a Spanish toilet that weighs 2,000 pounds? El Ton John
- Who has killed more indians than John Wayne? Union Carbide Corporation
John Cena Jokes
Here is a list of funny john cena jokes and even better john cena puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I left my husband after he changed his name to "John Cena". I just couldn't see him anymore.
- My girlfriend is like John Cena I can't see her :(
- My girlfriend is the daughter of arya stark and John cena She has no name and you can't see her
- Chuck Norris... ...CAN see John Cena
- Why does John Cena take COVID19 seriously? Because he doesn't want to go to the ICU.
- John Cena Guys, I think I figured out how to post something without a title
- What does John Cena wash his hair with? Champ who?
- What do you call John Cena in camouflage? Redundant
- What do you call 75 year old John Cena? John Cenile.
- When i went to ask mom for gym money Me:Mom give me some money for the gym.
Mom:Will you become John Cena after going to gym?
Me:Am I becoming Einstein by going to school?
Elton John Jokes
Here is a list of funny elton john jokes and even better elton john puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Apparently, Elton John owns a pygmy rabbit that is super hyper and runs all the time. It's a little, fit bunny.
- Elton John discovered some high-end denims and decided to throw out his regular Levi's. He said good bye normal jeans.
- I have a pun about Elton John It's a little bit funny...
- In 1982 Elton John attended one of Queen's concerts, but was shortly hospitalized afterwards. Turns out they found traces of Mercury in him.
- Elton John thinks that "sorry" seems to be the hardest word. He clearly hasn't been to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
- Elton John has never had a parrot But he's had a cockatoo
- Elton John's gained a notable amount of weight lately. Goodbye, normal jeans.
- Neil Patrick Harris and Elton John are so much alike... I can never get them straight.
- How do you tell Elton John his flies are undone? His candle's in the wind.
- What does Harry Potter and Elton John have in common? Both of them have spent a portion of their lives in a closet.
John Lennon Jokes
Here is a list of funny john lennon jokes and even better john lennon puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side... I mean, imagine all the peepholes.
- John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon... History shows if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after an airport.
- Scientists are cloning John Lennon.. What if it all goes wrong and they clone millions of John Lennons?
Imagine all the people.. - "Love me do" was written by John Lennon... After he got a really nice haircut
- Lucy, In the Sky, With Diamonds John Lennon, proving he was a terrible Clue player
- I heard that beans were John Lennon's favourite vegetable.... .....up until he decided to give peas a chance.
- What did John Lennon's mother say to get him to eat his vegetables? "Come on John, give peas a chance."
- Why did John Lennon become a vegetarian? He wanted to give peas a chance.
- I founded John Lennon Television, and now we're the second biggest subscription TV service in the UK. Above us, only Sky.
- What did John Lennon say when he got egg shells in his cake? Yolko Oh-no
John Kennedy Jokes
Here is a list of funny john kennedy jokes and even better john kennedy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Not only was John F. Kennedy's assassination an unexpected thing... It was also mind blowing.
- The Kennedys Everyone says Teddy Kennedy was the big alcoholic of the family. But when you think about it, it was John who was taking shots in the middle of his own parade!
- Why did John F. Kennedy take a cab home? Because he had too many shots.
- Why did John F. Kennedy die? He was too open-minded.
- Politicians always lie... Didn't John F. Kennedy promise to serve a full term?
- A lot of people say John F. Kennedy was goal-focused and determined... But, by the end of his presidency, his mind was all over the place.
- Why was John F. Kennedy secretly a more successful actor than Ronald Reagan? He always knew how to take the perfect headshot.
- Jackie Kennedy: "Not now. I have a headache." John F Kennedy: "We do this, not because it is easy, but because it is hard!"
- John F Kennedy was the smartest president America has ever had. He's the only president we know for sure had a brain.
- "Don't stop until you're ahead of John F. Kennedy." -50 Cent
Uplifting John Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about john you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean smith jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make john pranks.
Long John Silver just donated us one of his crew members.
Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How about some Little Johnny...
Little Johnny asks his Dad "What's between mom's legs?"
The father answers: "Paradise, my son."
Little Johnny asks again: "What's between your legs?"
The father replies: "The key to paradise."
Little Johnny says: "Piece of advice Dad, change the lock the neighbor has a duplicate key."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny Has A Question
A boy comes home from school one day looking for his father. He has an assignment that he needs a little help with. He finds his father and tells him that he has to write a paper explaining the difference between potentially and actually.
His father says to him "That's an easy one", "Go upstairs and find your sister; ask her if she'd sleep with the mailman for $10,000."
So the boy does as he is told. When he comes back down he tells his father what he learned. "She said yes, dad." "So," said his dad "Find your mother, now, and ask her if she'd sleep with the mailman for $10,000 as well."
The boy does as he is asked, and then returns to his father again.
"She said yes too, dad." "Well, there you go." said the dad.
The boy looked at his father, puzzled.
He smiled, "Potentially we're sitting on a gold mine; but, actually I live with a couple of w**...!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 Guys in a Bar
2 guys in a bar.
John: "I have s**... with my wife once a month"
Jack: "We do it twice a week"
John: "But Jack, you're not even married!"
Jack: "Oh, I thought we were talking about your wife"
Little Johnny and his ball.
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer."
New Earring
John is at work one day when he notices that his
co-worker, Zach, is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion".
"Hey Zach" he yells out "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it, ..it's only an
earring." Says Zach sheepishly.
"No really," probes John, "How long have you been wearing one?"
... "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Exception to the rule
The First Sergeant noticed a new private one day and and barked at him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the First Sergeant asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The First Sergeant scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal p**... stuff they're teaching troops in Basic today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my privates by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as 'First Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, First Sergeant!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, First Sergeant!"
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
little Johnny
Was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "'Cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now; If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was l**... her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was s**... the cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one s**... the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny catches his mom and dad...
Mom and dad are having s**... when little Johnny walks in. Quickly, dad tells him to leave. When mom and dad come out of the room, they explain to Johnny that sometimes daddy's get a big tummy and mommy's have to jump on it so it will deflate. Then Johnny replies, "But why does mommy have to deflate it when Ms. Jane next door just comes over every day to blow it back up?"
Johnny and Ruth are mountain biking down a hill...
...Ruth hits a tree. Johnny continues, ruthlessly.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny at it again...
Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a few days of this happening, the teacher became very worried and asked him about it.
Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mum and my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".
The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive black eye again.
"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"
Johnny explains: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept very still. Then my dad and my mum started moving {you know} at the same time. Mum was breathing heavy and k**... her legs all over the place.....
Then my dad asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me, so i said 'Wait for me..."
(I heard this one a while back, sorry) Why can't you use a the restroom at a Beatles reunion concert?
Because there is no John.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny is at Toys R Us...
Little Johnny is at Toys R Us looking for a new toy to buy. He finally finds a toy car he really likes and decides to buy it. He goes up to the cashier to pay for the toy car and offers fake Monopoly money. The cashier says to Little Johnny, "are you dumb? this is not real money." Little Johnny responds, "You're s**..., neither is the car..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny walks in on his parents having s**........
his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"
IT guy
John is being shown around the office by his new boss. They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at once. "That's incredible", says John. "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once". "Hey!" replied his boss. "That's stereotyping. "
My Girlfriend's Got A Puncture
My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."
The best jokes also teach you something.
In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.
John Snow.
John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.
-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?
John laughs and continues with his drink.
-Why is this funny?
John responds,
-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... BEFORE MARRIAGE
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
Johnny: Will you marry me?
Johnny: Will you marry me?
Jenny: You have to ask my father first.
Johnny: (later) Well, I asked him.
Jenny: And what did he say?
Johnny: He said he's already married.
Little Johnny... Finding Jesus
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
Little Johnny
"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny skipped school one day...
and since his house was next to his school, the teacher decided to visit Little Johnny's parents the next day after school, but his granddad was the only adult home. When he saw the teacher coming he said "Johnny! Your teacher is coming, hide and I will say you aren't here. "No," Little Johnny replied "you go hide. I told the teacher that I went to your f**...."
Johnny threw a pack of cards at Jenny
Jenny started crying but the teacher told her to deal with it
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Johny the Fighter Pilot
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you
grow up?"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest p**..., give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Johnny's p**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Apple, the FBI, and John McAfee are sitting in an office...
Only two were invited, but the third one got in through the b**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does Elton John play the piano?
Because he s**... on an o**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny is walking down the street and sees a construction site building new houses
He has a look at what's going on and he's amazed and in awe of it all. He rushes home as fast as he can. He runs in and shouts ''Dad, dad, can we play builders?'' His dad says ''Sure Johnny''
Johnny runs to the top of the stairs and shouts ''Oi, get them bricks up here now you c**...''
Civil War spoilers
Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.
Reading it one time might be not enough.
-"Hello, are you there?"
-"Yes, who are you please?"
-"I'm Watt"
-"What's your name?"
-"Watt's my name."
-"Yes, what's your name?"
-"My name is John Watt"
-"John what?"
-"Yes. Are you Jones?"
-"No, I'm Knott"
-"Will you tell me your name then?"
-"Will Knot"
-"Why not?"
-"My name is Knott"
-"Knot what?"
-"Not Watt, Knott."
-"What?"
Little Johnny is back
In the class the teacher said: "the first person to answer my question will go home early".
Little Johnny threw his bag outside.
Teacher asked: "Whose bag is that???"
Johnny answered: "It's mine....
bye bye!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girlfriend and boyfriend are talking...
The girl says, "hey John, how do you spell p**...?'" He responds, "gosh honey, why do you need to know? That's an awfully big word for an 8 year old."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Honey, you're not really nice to your son"
"Which one do you mean? Steve, John or the fat one?"
Little Johnny
The teacher came up to Johnny's desk and asked can you tell me what separates you from a monkey.
Johnny said with confidence "the desk".
A conversation with god about Trump
John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"
God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."
John: Yeah, trumpets.
God: "Never mind. They'll know."
I decided to rename my toilet from "The John" to "The Jim."
I feel much better saying I've been to "The Jim" this morning.
Little Johnny was learning about punctuation
The teacher was explaining all of the different punctuation marks.
She listed the comma, question mark and when she got to period; Little Johnny raised his hand.
He asked: Why are periods so important?
The teacher responded: Well, they are a fundamental part of the written language; why do you ask?
Little Johnny replied: Yesterday my sister said she missed a period and my Mom fainted, my Dad started yelling and the next door neighbor shot himself
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blind man and his mistress.
A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.
After bathing, she came out n**..., spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything OK at home?
He replied, Yes, very fine. I came to tell you that I have done the eye surgery and I can see very clearly now.
Two retired business men sitting on a beach.
Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"
John was unable to choose between two girls...
So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.
"Just don't tell Dad" she says.
*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.
An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."
Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.
Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."
The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:
"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."
Lord said unto John: Come forth, and I will give you eternal life.
But John came fifth, so he won a microwave.
John has 20 watermelons and tim has none. John threw one watermelon at tim, what does tim have now?
A concussion.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife told me she's having an affair
I said "well, actually I am too."
She said "it's with your best friend, John"
"THAT s**... IS CHEATING ON ME!?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife: "Honey, I think you're a little to harsh to one of our kids."
Husband: "Who do you mean? John, Michael or the fat one?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Elton John is a great pianist
but I hear he s**... on the o**...
My friends say there is someone gay in our friend circle...
I hope is john, he's really cute
Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..
He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.
Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian tribe called the Fakawi!
Excited by this discovery Johnny runs home to tell his mother about his find.
"Mum, mum!", Johnny shouts, "I met native members of the Fakawi tribe today!".
"How did you know who they were?" Mum asks.
"Well that was easy," says little Johnny, "everywhere they went they were telling people, "We're the fakawi!"".
Little Johnny
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to." the little boy replied.
"Of course you do." His mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house"
"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"
Johnny became a mailman after hearing how they always slept with women as part of the punchline of jokes. He figured he'd tell the jokes to mothers as he dropped of the mail and then sleep with them. He dropped off package after package and told joke after joke, but no mothers ever slept with him.
One day he asked a mother if he's been mislead by the jokes. Maybe mother's really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading.
The mother said, oh honey, it's not the jokes, it your delivery.
Johnny Joke
Tell me, Johnny said his teacher, if your father borrowed $100 and promises to pay $10 a week, how much will he owe in 7 weeks?
One hundred dollars, said Johnny.
I'm afraid you don't know your math very well, said the teacher.
I may not know my math, said Johnny, but I know my father.
Tried translating a joke from Latvian.
John, a rural farmer, decided to visit the zoo in the capital with his family. He has a lot of fun, and comes back ecstatic. His neighbor
Tolya asks him what he saw there.
"Well, I saw a giraffe."
"What's a giraffe?"
"Well, you know horses?"
"Yeah."
"It's like a horse, but really tall and with a long neck."
"Okay, what else?"
"Zebra."
"Zebra?"
"Well, you know horses?"
"Yeah."
"It's like a horse, but with stripes."
"Okay, what else then?"
"I saw a hippo. "
"What's that?"
"You know horses?"
"Yeah?"
"Like a horse, but big and fat."
"Hm. Okay. Anything else?"
"Yes... a crocodile."
"What's a crocodile?"
"You know horses?"
"Yeah?"
"Nothing like one."
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young lady sitting alone in a restaurant when maitre'd approaches with a presentable looking gentlemen
\- I am sorry. We are overbooked, but i see you have a sit available at your table. Would you mind if this gentlemen shares a table with you?
She agrees. And before taking his sit the gentlemen introduces himself.
\- Hello, My name is John Smith. I am a politician, but I want to let you know that I am a honest person.
She says:
\- It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Natasha, I am a high-priced p**..., but i want to let you know that i am a v**....
Why did Johnny Depp lose his court case?
Because he didn't have Heard immunity
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
John's wife comes home to a dark house and her husband sitting there crying.
"honey, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"
John turns to his wife and says, "do you remember 20 years ago when your father caught us having s**... in the car?"
John's wife smiles at the memory and replies, "of course, that was my first time."
John looks at his wife and says, "well 20 years ago your father gave me a choice. Either I marry you or spend 20 years in prison."
"That was a long time ago honey, and your not in prison."
John again starts sobbing and says, "I would have gotten out of prison today."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Light bulb
p**... and John are working on a building site. p**... says to John, I need a day off, I'm going to pretend I've gone mad!
p**... climbs up to the rafters, hangs upside down from them and shouts, I'm a light bulb! I'm a light bulb! While John looks on in amazement.
The foreman shouts, p**... go home, you've gone mad!
As p**... packs his kit, the foreman sees John packing his kit as well.
Foreman says, John where do you think you're going?!
John says, Well I'm not working in the friggen dark!
After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.
After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.
Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.
Okay, the good news is the patient in the next bed has offered you a very generous amount for your slippers...
I took my 8 year old niece to the zoo last week...
..we were walking around the various cages and enclosures when all of a sudden she yells, Look Uncle John! It's a frickin' Elephant!
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. What did you just call it? I asked.
It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture! she said, ... and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.
His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old g**... like you. How did you pull it off?"
"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."
"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.
"There is no way she could believe you were 40". John shakes his head again.
"So how old did you tell her you were exactly??"
John smiles and says "85".
What Johnny Depp needs is not a vaccine…
He needs Heard Immunity.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Johnny Depp's the o**... ...
....that could have used an Amber alert.
Did Johnny Depp just win the defamation case or was it…
misheard?
A guy sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish. The guy thinks about it and says "I want to be a powerful man in the world, and have a beautiful wife"
The next morning the guy awake in a unfamiliar room, and a beautiful woman said to him
"Wake up John, it's a busy day, we have a car tour in Dallas"
Little Johnny came late to school one day.
"Why are you late, Johnny?" Asked his teacher.
"Well," explained Johnny. "Just round the corner, there was a poor old lady looking everywhere for a £20 she lost. She was looking for half an hour! I couldn't walk away."
"I see. That's really nice of you to help her."
Johnny replied "Help her? No, I was standing on it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny was in class and his teacher asked
Little Johnny was in class and his teacher asked "how many of you guys are trump fans?" since the entire class wanted to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well except little Johnny. So the teacher asks, "why are you being different again Johnny....." so little Johnny says "well because im a democrat. My mom is a democrat and my dad is a democrat, so im a democrat!" so then the teacher responds with "well what if your mom was a m**... and your dad was an idiot what would that make you?" well little Johnny says, "a trump fan!"
