John Jokes

Following is our collection of John funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best John jokes

A conversation with god about Trump

John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"

God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."

John: Yeah, trumpets.

God: "Never mind. They'll know."

John was unable to choose between two girls...

So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.

John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.

Gary: Then you should be with Edith.

John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...

Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.

John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!

Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.

A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, HIJACK!

All passengers got scared.

From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, HI JOHN!

John Cena woke up from a coma

John Cena: Where am I?

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: No you don't.

Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.

John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.

Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"

IT guy

John is being shown around the office by his new boss. They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at once. "That's incredible", says John. "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once". "Hey!" replied his boss. "That's stereotyping. "

Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous."

Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"

Surgeon: "I know, I am"

John Travolta Coronavirus joke

As see on the CNN John Travolta was hospitalised for a suspected Coronavirus. But doctors soon realised that it was only a Saturday Night Fever and he will be Staying Alive.

I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...

instead of the John.

It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?

Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time?

Mom: No, Never!

Son: Well neither would he!

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex.....

his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"

SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

My Girlfriend's Got A Puncture

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

"sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head."

- John. F. Kennedy

Why does Elton John play the piano?

Because he sucks on an organ.

My friend started calling the toilet the Jim instead of the John

He said it sounds better when he tell people he goes to the Jim everyday.

A blind man and his mistress.

A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.

After bathing, she came out naked, spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything OK at home?

He replied, Yes, very fine. I came to tell you that I have done the eye surgery and I can see very clearly now.

I wouldn't be mad.

And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But John came fifth and won a toaster.

My Bathroom

I've decided to call my bathroom the Jim instead of the John.

It sounds better when I tell folks I go to the Jim every morning.

2 Guys in a Bar

2 guys in a bar.

John: "I have sex with my wife once a month"

Jack: "We do it twice a week"

John: "But Jack, you're not even married!"

Jack: "Oh, I thought we were talking about your wife"

If a man's signature is called a "John Hancock" what do you call a woman's?

Historically insignificant.

Full disclosure: Heard on the radio this morning on my way to work.

Jesus drove a Honda, but nobody knew about it.

For I did not speak of my own accord. - John 12:49

Civil War spoilers

Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.

Doctor: I'm sorry John, but you suffer from Auto Correct Syndrome

John: I didn't even know I was I'll

Wife: "Honey, I think you're a little to harsh to one of our kids."

Husband: "Who do you mean? John, Michael or the fat one?"

Long John Silver just donated us one of his crew members.

Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!

Little Johnny goes to his grandfather and asks him to croak like a frog.

"Why, sure Johnny. *Croak*", says grandfather.
"Yaaaaay", exclaimed Johnny. Confused, grandfather asks what's so exciting.
"Papa says we're going to be rich when you croak!", replies johnny.

John Snow.

John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.

-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?


John laughs and continues with his drink.

-Why is this funny?

John responds,

-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...

New Earring

John is at work one day when he notices that his
co-worker, Zach, is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion".

"Hey Zach" he yells out "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of it, ..it's only an
earring." Says Zach sheepishly.

"No really," probes John, "How long have you been wearing one?"

... "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Elton John is a great pianist

but I hear he sucks on the organ

Little Johnny

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "

John has 20 watermelons and tim has none. John threw one watermelon at tim, what does tim have now?

A concussion.

"Honey, you're not really nice to your son"

"Which one do you mean? Steve, John or the fat one?"

Little Johnny asked god a question.

Johnny: Is it true that a billion years for us is just a second for you?

God: Why, yes it's absolutely true!

Johnny: Is it also true that a billion dollars for us is just a penny for you?

God: You're absolutely right!

Johnny: Well in that case, may I have a penny?

God: Absolutely! Just give me a second.

His original name was John Kennedy

They added the F later to pay respects

What's the difference between Jack Daniels and John Wayne?

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Apple, the FBI, and John McAfee are sitting in an office...

Only two were invited, but the third one got in through the backdoor.

The best jokes also teach you something.

In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.

People wonder why I call my toilet "the Jim" instead of "the John"

I do it so I can say "I go to the Jim first thing every morning"

Little Johnny

The teacher came up to Johnny's desk and asked can you tell me what separates you from a monkey.

Johnny said with confidence "the desk".

Johnny: Will you marry me?

Johnny: Will you marry me?
Jenny: You have to ask my father first.
Johnny: (later) Well, I asked him.
Jenny: And what did he say?
Johnny: He said he's already married.

Johnny threw a pack of cards at Jenny

Jenny started crying but the teacher told her to deal with it

Johnny and Ruth are mountain biking down a hill...

...Ruth hits a tree. Johnny continues, ruthlessly.

I just read John F Kennedy's biography

The end was mind blowing

Little Johnny is back

In the class the teacher said: "the first person to answer my question will go home early".

Little Johnny threw his bag outside.

Teacher asked: "Whose bag is that???"

Johnny answered: "It's mine....
bye bye!"

Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges.

If they catch him, they estimate the trial could last 30 days.

I wish Johnny Rockets would stop claiming to be an authentic 40s diner...

... I see black people eating there All the time.

And verily, John said to the Lord, The world shall end with Trumpets?

God: No, I meant Trump/Pence.

John: Trumpets, got it.

God: No... ah, forget it.

Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side...

I mean, imagine all the peepholes.

I decided to rename my toilet from "The John" to "The Jim."

I feel much better saying I've been to "The Jim" this morning.

The (wo)man of the house

Walking into the bar, Bob said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said John "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Bob replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit!!

My wife told me she's having an affair

I said "well, actually I am too."

She said "it's with your best friend, John"

"THAT SONOFABITCH IS CHEATING ON ME!?"

Little Johnny

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to." the little boy replied.

"Of course you do." His mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house"

"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"

Johnny

A teacher stood up in class, folding her arms. "Stand up if you think you're stupid!" She yelled. Nobody did. "I said stand up!" She repeated. Eventually, Johnny stood up. "So, Johnny! You think you're stupid?"
"No, Miss." Johnny replied quietly. "I just feel bad that you're standing alone."

Reading it one time might be not enough.

-"Hello, are you there?"
-"Yes, who are you please?"
-"I'm Watt"
-"What's your name?"
-"Watt's my name."
-"Yes, what's your name?"
-"My name is John Watt"
-"John what?"
-"Yes. Are you Jones?"
-"No, I'm Knott"
-"Will you tell me your name then?"
-"Will Knot"
-"Why not?"
-"My name is Knott"
-"Knot what?"
-"Not Watt, Knott."
-"What?"

My friends say there is someone gay in our friend circle...

I hope is john, he's really cute

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.





*Last post of this was 6 months ago from my quick search, reposting because it is hilarious.*

Little Johnny is walking down the street and sees a construction site building new houses

He has a look at what's going on and he's amazed and in awe of it all. He rushes home as fast as he can. He runs in and shouts ''Dad, dad, can we play builders?'' His dad says ''Sure Johnny''

Johnny runs to the top of the stairs and shouts ''Oi, get them bricks up here now you cunt''

I've decided to sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay

Imagine all the PayPal!

Little Johnny skipped school one day...

and since his house was next to his school, the teacher decided to visit Little Johnny's parents the next day after school, but his granddad was the only adult home. When he saw the teacher coming he said "Johnny! Your teacher is coming, hide and I will say you aren't here. "No," Little Johnny replied "you go hide. I told the teacher that I went to your funeral."

Johnny became a mailman after hearing how they always slept with women as part of the punchline of jokes. He figured he'd tell the jokes to mothers as he dropped of the mail and then sleep with them. He dropped off package after package and told joke after joke, but no mothers ever slept with him.

One day he asked a mother if he's been mislead by the jokes. Maybe mother's really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading.

The mother said, oh honey, it's not the jokes, it your delivery.

A cops calls for backup from a crime scene

This is officer John, please send backup, a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.

Have you arrested the woman?

No Sir, the floor is still wet.

I left my husband after he changed his name to "John Cena".

I just couldn't see him anymore.

I renamed my toilet form John to Jim the other day-

-that way, I can tell people that I wake up and go to the Jim every morning.

Why do the French have so many civil wars?

So they can win one every now and again. (Thanks, John Cleese! This was too good not to share.)

A girlfriend and boyfriend are talking...

The girl says, "hey John, how do you spell 'pedophilia?'" He responds, "gosh honey, why do you need to know? That's an awfully big word for an 8 year old."

(I heard this one a while back, sorry) Why can't you use a the restroom at a Beatles reunion concert?

Because there is no John.

Lord said unto John: Come forth, and I will give you eternal life.

But John came fifth, so he won a microwave.

How about some Little Johnny...

Little Johnny asks his Dad "What's between mom's legs?"
The father answers: "Paradise, my son."
Little Johnny asks again: "What's between your legs?"
The father replies: "The key to paradise."


Little Johnny says: "Piece of advice Dad, change the lock the neighbor has a duplicate key."

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

John came fifth and won a blender

John: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend Mike."

James: "Since when is Mike your best friend?"

John: "Since yesterday."

Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..

He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.

Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian tribe called the Fakawi!

Excited by this discovery Johnny runs home to tell his mother about his find.

"Mum, mum!", Johnny shouts, "I met native members of the Fakawi tribe today!".

"How did you know who they were?" Mum asks.

"Well that was easy," says little Johnny, "everywhere they went they were telling people, "We're the fakawi!"".

Little johnny was asking his dad

J: Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential

D: Well, it's difficult to explain, so let me give you an example. You are my son - I'm confident about that.

J: How about confidential?

D: You see our neighbour little Timmy over there? He's my son - that's confidential

Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.

"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.

"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said.

"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer.

"Applied psychology."

Since people are translating their native jokes, I hope no one has posted this yet

There were 3 boys who were being chased by the police. John the wise, Peter the smart, and Jose the dumb.


As the police were gaining on them, they each decided to hide in a box in an alley way.

The policeman ran up to John's Box and kicked it.

Thinking quickly, John said "Woof woof"

The policeman shrugged and said "Ohhh, its just a dog"

He then went up Peter's box, and kicked it.

Peter followed John's example, "Meow meow"

The Policeman shrugged again and said "Ohhh, its just a cat"

He then went to the last box, which hid Jose and kicked it

"Potato Potato"

A man asked a priest for a name change..

"Hello Father, i would like to change my name please." the man said.

"Alright, what is your current name sir?" the priest asked.

"Bob Hitler", the man said.

"Oh lord, i understand. What would you like to change your name to?" the priest asked.

"John Hitler".

"I say Long John Silver, I really like your earrings, how much were they?"

"2 dollars"
"They're not bad at all for a buccaneer".

Little Johnny was learning about punctuation

The teacher was explaining all of the different punctuation marks.

She listed the comma, question mark and when she got to period; Little Johnny raised his hand.

He asked: Why are periods so important?

The teacher responded: Well, they are a fundamental part of the written language; why do you ask?

Little Johnny replied: Yesterday my sister said she missed a period and my Mom fainted, my Dad started yelling and the next door neighbor shot himself

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes