The Funniest Jobs Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.
But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.
But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
What do Apple and Donald Trump have in common?
I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs, but I shouldn't compare apples to oranges.
I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.
I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn't suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn't cut it as barber; didn't have the patience to be a doctor; didn't fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn't see any future as a historian.
What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common?
They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.
People say that Steve Jobs died too soon.
But I think his death was a fitting metaphor for apples attitude to battery life.
Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)
Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied Ya, well I sew women's underpants. He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.
Ole was asked the same question, to which he replied Diesel fitter. He too was told to go to the next line to get his unemployment check.
After Sven and Ole collected their checks, they compared them outside. Ole's check was twice as much, which made Sven furious. He stormed back inside and asked to talk with a manager. He demanded to know why his check was half of what Ole's was. The manager told him, Well, you were a tailor, your friend Ole has a specialty in engine repair.
Sven's anger was boiling over. He loudly told them, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I sew the underpants and put them in a pile, Ole holds them up and says Ya, diesel fitter. What has that got to do with engines?
Blonde Paint Job Warning:Long
A blonde,wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself as a handyman type and started canvasing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the man asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."
Blonde Paint Job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Depression
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I felt like I needed to end it all, so I called the s**... Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
So, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs walk into a bar...
and I got sued for millions because I used both of their names in the same sentence.
You can explore jobs laborers reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean jobs steve jobs dad jokes. There are also jobs puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My girlfriend told me this one
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A crusty old biker walls into a bar..
..and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, b**..., beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a s**... little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."
Two out-of-work Mexicans knock on a rich guy's door - looking for odd jobs
The rich guy feels for them, so he says, "I'll give you 100 bucks to go out back and paint my porch."
The Mexicans can't believe their luck - and agree. The rich guy gives them a few gallons of paint and some brushes.
About an hour later, they knock on the door. The guy answers, and the Mexicans tell him they are done. He says, "I can't believe you're done so fast. That should have taken at least 5 hours."
One of the Mexicans says, "We are done, Senor. But I have to tell you - that wasn't no porch. That was a Mercedes."
The groom, waiting in the church for his bride, has a huge grin on his face...
..."What is wrong with you", asks the best man, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the groom, "Last night, I got the best b**... in the history of blow jobs, and I'm marrying this girl. My life is set." Meanwhile in the bride's room, she too has a huge grin on her face. "What is wrong with you", asks the bride's maid, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the bride, "Last night, I gave the last b**... I ever have to."
Two women are talking and the conversation veers towards work...
One of them says to the other:
"Work is great! The jobs are challenging, my coworkers are supportive and the pay is phenomenal. But there is one problem. The mail boy is constantly flirting with me and its borderline harrasment now."
"Well, what did he say?"
"Its just the one thing, everytime he passes by me he compliments me on how wonderful my hair smells."
"That doesnt sound too bad."
"Yeah, but hes a dwarf!"
A man walks into a bar...
and glances at the menu.
* **Sandwiches, $2**
* **Hand jobs, $5**
He calls over to the waitress, a gorgeous young blonde woman who appeared to be in her mid-twenties.
"Hey, hi there. Are you the one doing the hand jobs?"
She smiles thinly, "Yes sir, I am."
"Well, wash your hands and put on some gloves. I'd like a sandwich."
What happened to Steve Jobs before he died?
His life HTML5d before his eyes.
What has everyone been doing at Apple since the problems with the iPhone 6 started?
Looking for Jobs.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
h**...: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the s**... bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your hands," says the man. "I want a chicken sandwich!"
Whenever I feel depressed in life.. I open my E-Mail spam inbox
I find:
* 10 banks are giving me easy loans.
* I have won GBP 10000000 and USD 500000 for unknown reasons.
* 10 Job companies have best jobs for me.
* 5 matrimonial sites have most suited matches for me.
* Dr. Batra has claimed that he will cure my hair fall.
* 3 universities are giving me degrees in random subjects.
* And Approx 40-50 mails from different girls who are feeling lonely and want to meet me.
What do you call a principal who gives good blow jobs?
A headmaster.
I'm not sure if Steve Jobs got into heaven...
God's a bit touchy about apples...
Another blonde joke.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Okay to tell dead Steve Jobs jokes now?
What's the difference between cancer and the middle class? At least cancer got Jobs.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money...
decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Horse trainers have stable jobs.
Trump's wives were immigrants, proving the adage true...
Immigrants do the jobs Americans don't want to do.
If our last names came from the jobs of our ancestors...
Then I feel really bad for the boys of the "Dickinson" family tree.
Two of Trump's wives have been immigrants.
Which just goes to show you that those people will take jobs that no American wants.
Why did Steve Jobs eat all the cookies?
Mac users have no CTRL
Fun prank
Make them study for 18 years then don't give them jobs
Why don't the police protest against BLM?
Because they have jobs.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.
Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.
God please don't kill Kevin Bacon.
How do you tell the difference between Male and Female ghosts?
One has boooooobs.
The other gets full pay at their jobs.
Some say Steve Jobs died too young.
Others say it was simply an homage to Apple's attitude towards battery life.
A man walks into a bar.
The menu reads
>Burger: $5
>h**...: $10
He slides a $10 bill to the female bartender and asks:
"Are you the girl who does the hand jobs?"
She responds with a smooth voice:
"Why yes I am"
The man then says:
"Then wash your hands, because I want two burgers"
Think of all the new jobs Trump will bring to America:
Wall builders, death squad patrollers, bounty hunters and immigrant poachers.
Since Trump got elected 2.5 million Americans want to leave the country
That's 2.5 million jobs he's already made!
Why are there so many grammar n**... on the internet?
Because English majors have no jobs.
I think my wife was sleeping with my boss so I changed jobs to prevent that from happening...
One of the perks of being self-employed.
Why did the vegetarian hate giving blow jobs?
She was a lesbian.
The reason for the wage gap is that men have high paying jobs like doctor, lawyer, etc. while women usually have lower paying jobs...
...like female doctor, female lawyer, etc.
As a new yorker i was excited about a wall that keeps foreigners from taking our jobs
Then I learned the wall wasn't being built around New Jersey.
What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?
Wedding cake
You know many surnames are taken from jobs. Taylor , Smith , Cooper, etc.
Man, am I glad my last name isn't Dickinson!
Jobs that don't exist anymore
1. Steve
At the job interview
Interviewer: I see here that you had a five-year gap between jobs. Can you please explain it?
Me: Oh that's when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That is very impressive. You can start tomorrow.
Me: Yay, I got a yob.
A drunk chick at the club offered me a b**..., but I turned her down. She looked too much like my sister.
And my sister is terrible at blow jobs.
Why are there a lot of grammar n**... on the Internet?
Because English majors can't find jobs!
Did you hear the one about rim jobs?
It's very tongue in cheek.
-came up with this while trying to fall asleep. Pretty sure it's OC
I believe in giving jobs to the mentally disabled...
but we shouldn't elect them President.
Guy walks into a bar...
There's a sign that says: Cheeseburgers - $1.50, Chicken Sandwich - $2.50, h**... - $10.00. He walks up to a very attractive barmaid and ask "Hey, are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purred, "I am." He looked her straight in the eye and said "Well, go wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."
What did the suspenseful man say when he finished three jobs?
Done done done!
I just read that article about Robot s**... Workers, and all I could think was, "Man, automation really is taking over all the jobs...
Even your mom's.
Steve Jobs would've been a better POTUS than Trump
Well...
Maybe not?
It's hard to compare apples and oranges.
A biker walks into a bar...
...and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, b**..., beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a s**... little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."
To be fair, Donald Trump HAS created a lot of jobs.
It's going to take a lot of people to clean up this mess.
Why were Apple employees always happy?
Because they had Jobs
James Bond is laid off
James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant
"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"
"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "
You can really see how much Trump cares about creating jobs in this country
The White House seems to always be hiring.
A nun was fired from her job in heaven...
A nun was fired from her job in heaven, so she came down to earth and started looking for a job. One night, when she is filling out a job application, there is a question that asks her to check the boxes next to the jobs that she has previously worked at. She looks at the answers for a second, and then checks the box marked, "Nun of the above."
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Trump.
Although that isn't really fair to say, since any other corpse would be too.
It's refreshing to see a President keeping his campaign promises.
Although I'm not entirely sure rotating people through the cabinet counts as creating jobs but the effort is certainly present.
Why doesn't Donald Trump compare his leadership to Steve Jobs?
Even *he* knows not to compare Apples and oranges.
I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin
It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.
A Lot Of People Are Saying Steve Jobs Would Make A Better President than Trump.
But that's just ridiculous, it's like comparing apples and oranges.
Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump...
But i shouldn't compare apples and oranges.
A women at a women's right protest got mad at me because I told her that women sometimes can't do the jobs that men can do
She then got her boyfriend to beat me up
Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US?
Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.
You cannot compare Steve Jobs with Donald Trump.
Apples vs. oranges.
I asked my dad, Can you give me examples of jobs that don't exist anymore?
He said, Steve.
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...
But that's comparing apples to oranges.
What's the difference between police officers and pizza delivery drivers?
Pizza delivery drivers actually face consequences when their jobs aren't done right.
20 years ago we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steve Jobs.
Now we have no Cash, no Jobs and no Hope. I really hope Kevin Bacon doesn't die.
I feel that Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Donald Trump
Then again, that's like comparing apples to oranges...
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
h**...: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the s**... bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your f**...' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"
Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
I always thought that Steve Jobs would make a better president than Donald Trump
but then I realized that I'm comparing apples to oranges
Jobs that don't exist anymore..
1. Steve..
Kevin Bacon
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.
Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.
God please don't kill Kevin Bacon.
A blonde was going door to door...
She was looking to do odd jobs and chores to make some extra money. She knocks on a door, a guy answers and she asks if he has any chores he needs done. He said "sure I need my porch painted. I'll give you $100 if you do a good job". He shows her where the paint and brushes are and she says she'll make it look great. 30 minutes later, she knocks on his door and says "I'm done" and he replies "already? I thought it would take hours". She assured him she was finished and then said "by the way, that's a Ferrari, not a porch".
It's true women do make less money than men.
But it's their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Where women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.
The wage gap isn't real.
Men simply focus on getting the higher paying jobs like scientist, doctor, engineer. Meanwhile, women tend to go towards the lower paying jobs, like female scientist, female doctor and female engineer.
Trading places
On a ship the Captain and the Chief Engineer were having a friendly argument as to who had the most important job. So they agreed to exchange jobs for the next day.
After a few hours the Captain, covered in oil and sweat, called the Chief Engineer over and said, "It's no good, no matter what I do the engine won't start."
The Chief Engineer just looked at him and said, "I wouldn't worry about it. We ran aground three hours ago. "
I grew up with Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope
Now there's no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please don't let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.
I'm considering taking a position translating old Mongolian poetry.
The jobs has its prose and Khans.
Happy cake day to me!
I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.
I wasn't suited to be a tailor.
The muffler factory was just exhausting.
I couldn't cut it as a barber.
I didn't have the patience to be a doctor.
I wasn't a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.
The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance was too draining.
I got fired from the cannon factory.
And I just couldn't see any future as a historian.
I have trouble keeping their jobs these days...
First I was working at a potato farm, but then I was sacked.
Next it was the tuna factory, but then I was canned.
Next I tried being a lumberjack, but then I got axed.
Next I found an opening at the crematorium, but then I was fired.
Next I s**... up at the gun manufacturers, so I was quickly discharged.
Next I was printing thesauruses, but then my job was made redundant.
Now I'm growing magenta bananas, but I think I might get a pink slip.
Why did the producer of Dirty Jobs get fired?
He was a Mike Rowe manager.
A group of dwarves get jobs as coal miners
After a week or so, one of the workers really stood out and was getting special treatment from the supervisor, Moe. The other dwarves complained to HR and threatened to go on strike.
The supervisor was called into the office and reprimanded. He explained that he was only trying to keep the hardest worker motivated and asked exactly what he supposed to do, to which the Human Resources manager replied, Treat him like any mini miner, Moe.
My wife and I decided to spice things up and roll play our actual jobs, her a nurse and me a handyman.
She went to bed early from working a double and her feet being sore and I didn't even show up.
