Job Offer Jokes
81 job offer jokes and hilarious job offer puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about job offer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Job Offer Short Jokes
Short job offer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The job offer humour may include short job application jokes also.
- A friend of mine recently got offered a job in Egypt. Turns out it was just a pyramid scheme.
- I went for a job interview and got offered the job as a fisherman but turned it down as the net pay wasn't good
- A man is being offered a job "What's the pay like?" he asks.
"We'll pay you $50,000 this year and $100,000 next year."
"Okay, I'll come back next year" - Got offered a job today Its with a company that specialises in cleaning mirrors. Great pay and something I can really see my self doing.
- I was offered a job studying fog but I turned it down. In hindsight, I think it was a mist opportunity.
- Local Police Announcement "Serial killer wanted!" I called immediately, but to my disappointment, it wasn't a job offering.
- Why Wasn't LeVar Burton Offered the Hosting Job? Because Captain Picard would never put any of his crew members in Jeopardy.
- Prince's housekeeper of 30 years was offered a job as a crime scene investigator. She was considered highly qualified due to her decades of experience dusting for Prince.
- Saw some workers on my street replacing a storm drain cover and decided to offer them some words of encouragement: You guys are doing a grate job.
- I applied for a job at the Chinese Embassy Decided not to accept their generous offer because of all the red flags
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Job Offer One Liners
Which job offer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with job offer? I can suggest the ones about job interview and job searching.
- Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
- I was offered a job building Egyptian tombs Turned out to be a pyramid scheme
- I tried to send Sean Bean a death threat He mistook it for a job offer. :(
- I got offered a job at a kaleidoscope company. I'm looking into it.
- I got offered a job at McCormick... ...but it was just seasonal work.
- Just got offered a job working for Formula1 After a very successful zoom interview.
- What job offers are there for someone without a brain? The head of state.
- I was offered a job under the table I waited 12 hours and no one showed up.
- My friend offered me a nice stable job. I declined because I don't like horses
- What did the cow say when offered a job at Microsoft? Moo....
- Lady on the bus offered me a job... sadly i don't know MS Powerpoint or Access.
- I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.
- A fish was offered a job This could be his ... opper-tuna-ty
- A hotel just offered me a job making beds. I think I'll turn them down.
- What do you get for calling a s**... hotline in Iraq? A job offer
Job Offer Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about job offer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean new job jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make job offer pranks.
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald.
He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant.
"I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."
An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels.
He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn't prove it.
He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin.
Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load.
On every occasion, there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip.
On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath.
Nothing.
He could never find anything amiss.
After a few months of this, the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned.
A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On an impulse, the auditor went up to him and said, "Look, I've left the company, I'm not interested in taking it any further and I won't stop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking?"
And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man loses his legs in a bear fight
Despite this, he wins the fight, and uses the bears legs to replace his own.
By the time he gets to a hospital, he has full control over his legs,
The doctors tie the legs better, and let him keep them,
About a month later, a ringmaster of a freak circus finds him, and offers him a job in the circus,
He accepts, and a few months later, is ready for his first act,
He walks in front of the audience, and loudly claims
'I will walk over these hot stones bear-foot'
A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my secretary if she new the difference between a b**... and lunch
she said no, so I offer to take her out to "lunch".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest offered a Nun a lift...
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
taxi cab
A businessman takes a vacation in Vegas. He has a horrible run of luck, and spends his life savings and maxes out his credit cards. All he has left is his airline ticket home.
Getting into a taxi, he explains his plight to the cabbie. He offers to leave his drivers license or anything else until he can mail the fare to the taxi driver.
"You ain't got ten bucks for the cab fare to the airport? Get out of my cab!" yelled the taxi driver.
The man walks to the airport, flies home, and for the next year, he works very hard, and builds back his fortune. He goes back to Vegas, and this time he wins big.
Feeling good about himself, he steps out of his hotel to leave for the airport. At the end of a long line of taxis, he sees the cab driver who refused to help him last year in his hour of need.
He immediately figures out a way to get even with this guy.
He gets into the first taxi and asks what the fare to the airport is. "Ten dollars." says the driver. He then asks how much for a b**.... "What? Get out of my cab."
He proceeds down the line of taxis repeating the process and getting the same results.
He finally gets into the cab with his old friend, and asks him how much to get to the airport. "Ten bucks," says the driver. "Good." he says to the driver.
And as they cruise past all the other drivers in their cabs, he gives them all a smile and a thumbs up.
Bank Loan
A young girl, named Patricia Wack, starts a new job as a loan officer at the bank.
A frog walks in an asks her for a loan, she looks at him for a moment amazed that a frog could talk but proceeds professionally.
He needs five hundrded dollars for a new business venture and is willing to offer her a candle stick as collateral.
She is of course surprised by this strange offer of collateral and tells the frog that she's not sure she can approve the loan.
The frog gets upset and demands to see the manager. He says "Do you have any idea who I am? My father is Keith Richards, I deserve this loan!".
Patricia dismisses herself for a moment to go see the manager about this very odd case. She tells him the story and he looks at her for a moment then says "It's a knick-knack Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Priest Offers a Nun a Lift..
She gets in and crosses her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg and nearly causing the priest to have an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, Father, remember Psalm 129?
The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, Father, remember Psalm 129?
The priest apologized Sorry sister but the flesh is weak. Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity
An elderly man who just retired
Went out and purchased a Porshe. He decided that he would go take his brand new car for a ride and see what it could do.
As he was speeding around the country side he sped past a police car on the side of the road.
The officer noticing him going well above the speed limit gave chase. The elderly man looking in his rear vision mirror noticed. Swearing he put his foot down easily outpacing the police car.
Only one minute later the elderly man said to himself "what am I doing. This is no way to live my retirement I could get killed doing this" and proceed to pull over and wait for the police car to catch up.
As the officer got out and asked for his Licence and registration the elderly man looked up and said "I'm very sorry officer I just retired today and purchased this new car, I was just trying to have fun"
The officer thought for a moment and said " Look sir I do understand belive it or not today is my last day on the job as well. I tell you what if you can tell me a good reason for speeding off when I gave chase I will let you go."
The old man thought for a moment and replied "Well officer you see my wife recently cheated on me with a police offer and left me. I saw you in my mirror and thought you were trying to give her back" the officer smiled and replied. "Have a good day sir"
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job...
...advertised in the Manchester Evening News. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand pounds. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
ISIS new way of requirement
ISIS leader posted a job offer for new workers : " Need somebody with a head on his shoulders "
You hear Pete Carroll is getting recruited for a new job..
Yeah, he is getting offers from the Pope at the Vatican! The Pope said that if he can make 100 million people say "Jesus Christ" at the same time, he needs to work for the Catholic Church
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A college grad offers her boss s**... for a raise
j/k she doesn't have a job.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was a girl sooooooo ugly
That when she got in the ghost train, they offer her a job
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today I got a job offer as a Mexican child kidnapper...
...Gracias, pero no p**....
I was desperate for a job, so my friend offered me one as a test subject in a wind tunnel
But i wasnt a fan
So Dylann Roof killed black people in cold blood and ran away in secret at first.
The police department offered him a job.
I had a job interview today.
I was offered the job and told the salary was £7.50 an hour for the first three months and would then go up to £15 an hour.
The guy asked me when I could start.
I replied "In three months."
I've got a part time job making rubberised computer keyboards.
They offer flexible shifts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I applied for a job recently because it offered something that would appease my vegetable f**....
Apparently an 'attractive celery' means something different.
Got a job offer to measure the players of a major league vs. prison team football game.
I really had to weigh the pros and cons.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk chick at the club offered me a b**..., but I turned her down. She looked too much like my sister.
And my sister is terrible at blow jobs.
Anyone else hear Kevin Spacey got a job offer?
The Catholic Church offered him the role of a priest
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How cold is it?
It's so cold at the moment, that the local street h**... is now only offering "Glove-Jobs".
Paid to worry
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters." "OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?" "You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner. "Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?" "That," says the man, "is your first worry."
A few years ago I got offered a job making rear view mirrors..
Looking back, I should've taken it.
Did you hear about cowboy who got offered a job at a family planning clinic?
Ride or die baby
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the man refuse a woman offering him a b**... ?
He didn't want to be on the news the next day for punching a woman.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you get when you combine a cat and an octopus?
A job offer from h**....
Reflections
I was offered a job cleaning the mirrors in my local Gym yesterday,the money's not great but it's something I could see my self doing!! 🤪
I got a job offer at Pepsi today!
I just hope they don't drug test me and find Coke in my system.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why wasn't the invisible man offered a job?
They just couldn't see him doing it! He's just like all of us: unseen, misunderstood, irrelevant.
Job offered: joined the exciting field of TSA
Title: TSA inspections officer
Location: Florida
Starting date: Immediately
Pay: Eventually
Not sure about this new job offer for prosthetics sales representatives...
I don't want to be involved in arms dealing.
Need a software company like my girlfriend..
offers me a job even before applying to the openings.
My teaching career.
I used to teach history, but thats all in the past.
I started teaching biology but my heart wasn't in it.
I tried teaching chemistry, but there were elements i didnt understand.
I was offered a job teaching maths, but something didn't add up.
I was sent to Germany to do food science, that was the wurst.
I've started teaching physics, its got potential.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Warning about pick pockets
At the local supermarket, two young women are standing at the parking lot exit, asking for a lift.
Shortly after leaving the parking lot, they will start u**... each other and making out, before one of them offers to give you a b**..., while the other steals your wallet.
It happened to me monday, two times tuesday and again yesterday
A rich man demanded to be buried with his money
Upon his death bed a miser demanded he be buried with all his money leaving behind nothing for his wife and children. After his death some friends approached his widow to offer her jobs and gifts but discover she has bought a new home, car, and wardrobe. The friends ask how she can afford all of this with the entire estate being buried with her deceased husband? The widow replied, well I deposited the funds from the estate into my account and buried my dear husband with a check for the total.
I had a job offer in Newark, but I heard it's dangerous...
So I called a friend of a friend who lives there. He said, "It has a bad reputation, but if you use basic caution and common sense, it can be a fun, vibrant place to live."
I said, "Cool! By the way, what do you do there?"
He said, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."