job Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious job stories

What are the best Job puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Job? Well here is a complete list of Job to have fun with:

"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!"

"Mister President, we've been over this..."

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CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS JUNK. HE IS OFFERING UP AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 8 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".



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I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer Smoking or Non-smoking .

Apparently the correct terms are Cremation and Burial .

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TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...


On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

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Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

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Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

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Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they're fired

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My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."

I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"

A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."

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On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."

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You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

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Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.

That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

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I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

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I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife

She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"



I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

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Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

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My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft...

I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

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The deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.

The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million,

he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your fuckin' hands," says the man. "I want a chicken sandwich!"

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A New Salesman

A young guy from N. J. moves to Fla. He goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a sales job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in New Jersey."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65."

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

"Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,

"So I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft."

"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK?!"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

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Wearing Crocs is like getting a blow job from a dude...

It feels really good until you look down, and realize how gay you are.

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I got a hand job off a blind girl last night. She said "You've got the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on..."

I said "Nah, you're pulling my leg"

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Got a job working with a bunch of Emo kids. It's depressing, they're always going on about dying, they look terrible with their white skin, and complain about how shit their life is.

Sorry not Emo kids......Chemo kids..

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A man walks into a job interview...

He sits down on a chair, and the interviewer starts questioning him.

"So son, where did you receive your education?"

The man replied "Yale".

The interviewer, pleasantly surprised, says "Yale? Hard to believe you went to Yale to become a janitor. So what's your name?"

The man replied "Yack Yackson".

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A mortician was working late one night...

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

I'm sorry Mr. Sam, said the mortician, but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

I have something to show you that you won't believe, he said, and opened his briefcase.

Oh, my God! she screamed, Sam is dead!

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So the painters finish painting my home...

and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."

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A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

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I went for a job interview today and the manager said,"We're looking for someone who is responsible"

..."Well I'm your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

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What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?

Not the dirtiest but I laughed.

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

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You know how sometimes...

You know how sometimes even when you're not hungry you'll get tempted to eat something just because it's in front of you?ο»Ώ ο»Ώ

Well, that's how I lost my job as a gynecologist.

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I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.

It's just something I could really see myself doing.

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Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

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"If you win the lottery,

the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.







"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.







"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.







"My point exactly."

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What's the difference between the modern worker and a guy who shovels horse poo for a living?

They both deal with a lot of crap, but at least one of them has a stable job!

it's not much, but it's my joke. i must defend what little i have.

who am i kidding I'm hilarious

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Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job?

Because she couldn't control her pupils.

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JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. Interviews are being held tomorrow. Come early....

....beat the crowd.

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I got fired from my job as a massage therapist

My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.

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Which doesn't belong: Meat, a Blow Job, Your Wife, An Egg

A Blowjob, you can beat your Meat, you can beat your wife, and you can beat an egg, but you can't beat a blow job

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I never wanted to believe my husband was stealing from his job as a road worker...

...but when I got home all the signs were there.

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5 Year Old's First Job

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and
some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when
we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned
up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on
next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her
as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee
and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay"
she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little
girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.. The little girl proudly replied,
"I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this
week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the damn sheet rock..."


Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

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Morning coffee in a US government job . . .

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now."

"Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am and plan on starting at 10 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, why don't you want me here until 10 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
So no point in your coming in for that."

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My dad

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

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The internet is an amazing thing.

One minute I'm at work looking up
random pages, passing the time, the
next minute I'm at home looking for a new job.

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I got fired from my job at the cemetery yesterday...

I made a grave mistake.

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I got a new job circumcizing elephants

The pay isn't great but the tips are enormous

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I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job.

He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric and cable.

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How is the porn industry different from every other career?

It's the only job where you have to stay late if you come early.

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A guy walks into a dive bar...

And takes a seat at a table. Looking over their menu, he sees it has only three options: Tuna Salad Sandwich $1.50, Chicken Salad Sandwich $4.50 and lastly Hand Job $5.00.

"Wow, what a bargain," he thought to himself, somewhat stunned as a gorgeous blonde approached to take his order. "Are you the one who gives the hand job?" he asked.

"Why yes I am," she said seductively as she slid up closer to him.

"Well, go in the back and wash your fucking hands, I want a tuna salad sandwich."

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I used to have a job crushing cans.

It was soda pressing.

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Where do men with erectile dysfunction go to find a job?

Ubisoft

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best job jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty job gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these job jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

Can I save Job jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Like your favorite jokes so we can rank them by their likes count. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

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