Comical & Quirky Job Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!"
"Mister President, we've been over this..."
The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.
A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts Mickey Mouse! This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent's supervisor asks him, Why the h**... did you shout Mickey Mouse?
Blushing, the agent replies, I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, duck!
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer Smoking or Non-smoking .
Apparently the correct terms are Cremation and Burial .
TIL that a school of piranhas can s**... all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...
On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...
If this year has taught us anything, it's that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen
He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job
Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a b**...?
The b**.... You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a b**....
Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Bullets are so weird
They only do their job AFTER they're fired
My wife texted "I'm leaving you"
And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a h**..."
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."
You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it's there?
Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.
Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.
That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.
You can explore job task reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean job duties dad jokes. There are also job puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said
"I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."
My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the v**... Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"
I said, "No. s**... that I can't tell anyone about."
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I replied, "£100 and it's yours."
The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels
Now you know who the best people are
If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember
there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.
Finally, a blonde joke I haven't heard before…
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun k**... a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'No, it's probably best I stay here.' he says.
'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.
The boy looks at her incredulously and says,
Because I'm the Goalie!
**
After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids
We think the doctor would do a way better job than us
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm...
I'm the CIEIO
I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,
I love being my own boss.
I saw a crying kid and asked him where his parents were.
And that's how I lost my job at the orphanage.
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.
At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!
a guy got an Interview for a job with EA
Boss: the second part of your resume is missing
Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$
Boss: welcome on board
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember
right now, there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW
Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.
I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...
to be able to post this in a different sub.
A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.
She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of France?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of Russia?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."
I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.
13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
My buddy took a job circumcising elephants at the zoo
The money's not great but the tips are huge
I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas
There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn't see himself doing it.
I got fired from my job as a masseur.
There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
My buddy just got a job in marketing with Kellogg's cereals...
I guess you could say his job is Raisin Bran awareness.
A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.
Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job.
Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"
A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: (the Washington Post competition)
I'll go first... I love you and the smell of your hair,Please don't be home when I get there.
EDIT- I have to say, the rhymes and creativity; you all are incredible, Now I have to wonder who's most edible...(no really great job to all)
People say being a waiter is a bad job...
... but, hey, it puts food on the table.
A man goes into a job interview
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"
I asked a p**...
"How Much For A h**...?"
Lady: "50..Do You Want One Honey?"
I: "No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self"
I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer
Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice
What's the difference between a wife and a job?
After 2 years the job still s**...
"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.
"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.
An officer was fired for smoking cannabis and m**... on the job.
No name was given but he was a high w**... officer.
I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly...
She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".
An officer was fired for smoking w**... and m**... on the job...
No exact details were given to the public, but he was a high w**... officer
How many antivaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb?
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It's not my job to give you the answer. Do your own research.
During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly
"Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"
I looked her square in the eyes and said, "s**... isn't real, right? It's just u**..., right?"
"I meant any questions about the job." the interviewer sighed.
Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus,
That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
What's the process of applying for a job at h**...?
They just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out."
Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,
I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.
At the interview for my new job I was asked
"What would your friends say are your weaknesses?"
"I don't have any!" Was my reply.
The interviewer seemed a little surprised and answered: "That can't be true. Everybody has some weak points."
Whereupon I said: "Oh no. You got that wrong. I meant I don't have any friends."
So my mom is getting her foot cut off today.. (really)
We told her she can lean on us for support. Although, we are going to have to change her driver's license, her height is going down by a foot.
I don't want to go too far out on a limb here but it better not be a hack job.
I recently quit my job at the orange juice factory......
I just couldn't concentrate.
My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft...
I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I lost two things today. My virginity...
...and my job at the morgue.
Job interviewer: And where would you see yourself in five years' time Mr. Jeffries?"
Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
"I love my job!" said the farmer
"All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.
"What did you say?" said the farmer.
"You herd me."
I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, This isn't for me.
I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Bell isn't real Mexican."
It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.
I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay in my current job. He asked which companies?
I told him the gas, electric, and phone companies.
"Mom, mom, quiz me on capitals please!"
"Okay, what's the capital of Germany?"
"That's easy, Berlin."
"And the capital of France?"
"Berlin"
"And the one of Poland?"
"Also Berlin."
"Good job Adolf, good job!"
I went for a job interview today and the manager said,"We're looking for someone who is responsible"
..."Well Im your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"
My final work dad joke
I always include a dad joke on the schedule for my employees (which this sub helps out with when I can't think of one, thank you). Next Friday is my last day, and this is the last schedule I'm sending to them. We work in a bookstore, and my final, cringe inducing joke to them is:
After careful consideration, I've decided to leave my job at the bookstore.
_It's time to turn the page to a new chapter in my life_
Pretty bad even by my standards, but it felt right.
I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
