"Mister President, we've been over this..."
A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts Mickey Mouse! This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent's supervisor asks him, Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?
Blushing, the agent replies, I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, duck!
Apparently the correct terms are Cremation and Burial .
On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...
The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
They only do their job AFTER they're fired
And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."
Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.
That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.
"I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
Now you know who the best people are
there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.
We think the doctor would do a way better job than us
I'm the CIEIO
I love being my own boss.
At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!
Boss: the second part of your resume is missing
Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$
Boss: welcome on board
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of France?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of Russia?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."
The money's not great but the tips are huge
Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job.
Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"
"How Much For A Hand Job?"
Lady: "50..Do You Want One Honey?"
I: "No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self"
Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice
"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".
No exact details were given to the public, but he was a high wanking officer
...And sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
"Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"
"I meant any questions about the job." the interviewer sighed.
That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
They just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out."
I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.
"What would your friends say are your weaknesses?"
"I don't have any!" Was my reply.
The interviewer seemed a little surprised and answered: "That can't be true. Everybody has some weak points."
Whereupon I said: "Oh no. You got that wrong. I meant I don't have any friends."
I just couldn't concentrate.
I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
...and my job at the morgue.
Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
"All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.
"What did you say?" said the farmer.
"You herd me."
It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.
"Okay, what's the capital of Germany?"
"That's easy, Berlin."
"And the capital of France?"
"Berlin"
"And the one of Poland?"
"Also Berlin."
"Good job Adolf, good job!"
..."Well Im your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your fuckin' hands," says the man. "I want a chicken sandwich!"
A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".
The guy says "oh I went to yale".
The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start monday"
Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"
At first I just wasn't putting in enough shifts, then I couldn't keep the space clean and finally I lost control
I mow grass at a cemetery.
Me: "A lot of things went wrong at my last job and everyone said I was responsible. "
I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.
like how she got a job right out of college.
He sits down on a chair, and the interviewer starts questioning him.
"So son, where did you receive your education?"
The man replied "Yale".
The interviewer, pleasantly surprised, says "Yale? Hard to believe you went to Yale to become a janitor. So what's your name?"
The man replied "Yack Yackson".
But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!
I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people.
^im ^so ^sorry
Apparently that's "misconduct" for a special needs teacher.
and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."
I said I wasn't too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.
its a real shame as he was a great veterinarian
but at least it puts food on the table
We have collected gags that can be used as Job pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Job, here are one liners and funny Job pick up lines.