Job Application Jokes

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants - one of which would get the job.
The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York.
A nice young man, but a bit timid.
Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!"
Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself.
"He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him.
He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know. 
Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education."
Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?" 
"Oh," replied Jim " at Yale."
"That's very good, excellent. You're hired! Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"
Jim answered "I don't care. Yimi or Mr. Yonson."

A business man was interviewing applicants

...for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two? "
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two. "
The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question. "
The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two? "
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be? "
He got the job."

Your first job interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of business school, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"
The applicant answered, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years ... say, a red Corvette?"
The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
Replied the interviewer: "Yes, but you started it."

After Quasimodo's death....

Bishop Thomas of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day.
Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
Bishop Thomas was incredulous. 'You have no arms.'
'No matter,' said the man, 'observe!' He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man?'
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied, 'but his face rings a bell.'

The interviewing robot.

A big company bought a robot. Many people applied for work there so its job was to sort through the job applicants. After setting it up, the managers invited the first person for his interview.
HELLO.
>Hello.
DO YOU SPEAK SPANISH?
>No.
GOODBYE.
After this, a second applicant entered the room.
HELLO.
>Hi.
DO YOU SPEAK SPANISH?
>Yes, I do.
DO YOU SMOKE?
>Yes.
GOODBYE.
So far - so good. A third man went next.
HELLO.
>Howdy, partner!
GOODBYE.

Mr. Toad was window shopping...

...when he saw a tiny porcelain snowman figurine that he just *had* to have. He enters the store to inquire about the price and learns that it costs much more than he can afford. Undaunted, he sets off to meet with lending officer at the bank, Mr. Paddywaque.
"No job, a dismal credit rating, a wife and 38 tadpoles to support?", says Paddywaque. "I don't think I can approve this application, Mr. Toad."
"*PLEASE*, I implore you, I MUST have this snowman! Surely, there's something you can do!", said Mr. Toad.
Paddywaque gives in to his client's pleading and agrees to show the application to his manager, Mr. ....uumm.....Jones.
Jones, terribly busy at the moment and not wanting to be bothered, takes a quick glance over his glasses at the application and says...
"It's a knick knack Paddywaque, give the frog a loan!"

Exam results

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicants inquired.
''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question..5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'

Job Test Cheater

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.
They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.
The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

Salesman

A sales company has particular trouble selling bibles. One day, a man comes in with a job application and says, "l-l-l-l'd l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b- b-be a b-b-b-bible salesman, s-s-s-sir." lnititally, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but decided to try him out.
After three weeks, the manager is looking at the charts and realizes that the newest guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office. "You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?"
"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d-d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a b-b-b-bible, or w-w-w-would y-y-you l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?"