Following is our collection of lenny humor and timmy one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Jimmy puns for adults, dirty jackie jokes or clean jimmy carr gags for kids.
There is an abundance of buckwheat jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 69 funniest jokes on jimmy. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any johnnie witze you can hear about jimmy.
I can get through a Jimmy Fallon sketch without laughing.
Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch
becomes
Jimmy went to school and ate his colon
And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!
Source: Jimmy Carr
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
I said, "no, it doesn't".
*Credit to Jimmy Carr.*
**
After looking at the syllabus for their next lesson on graphing, Jimmy approached his teacher with a stern look on his face and said, I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!
Oh wait
When she stumbles upon an S&M magazine underneath his pillow. She freaks out because young Jimmy is only 8 years old. She runs to her room where she meets her husband.
"Bill, look what I found underneath Jimmy's pillow! He's only 8, what should we do??!"
The husband eyes the magazine and ponders.
"...Well we can't spank him."
Jimmy: "I want to be a pilot"
Amber: "I want to be a teacher"
Stacy: "I want to be a good mother"
James: "I want to help Stacy to be a mother"
You could always see him coming.
And while they are looking down at one of the bone grinders, one of the salt brick accidentally falls down into the machine. The other salt brick watches in panic as his friend gets sucked into the blades and gears. After a while, the salt brick comes out from the other side of the grinding machine, all ground into pieces and powder.
"Oh my god! Are you okay Jimmy?" The salt brick on the top asks.
"Oh yeah I'm fine."
One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"
I heard his parents say he had no potential
One fine morning on the family farm, Jimmy excitedly ran into the house with a glass of milk. He can't wait to show his father so he runs into the living room.
He shouts "Hey dad! I just milked my first cow!" while proudly holding up the glass of milk and then chugging the entire thing.
His dad stares at him horrified and says "But son... we don't have a cow, we have a bull"
Jimmy walks in his classroom with his cat. Then the teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy sobbing replied, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
*love
Jim's wife treats her man by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday... At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Jimmy, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Jimmy says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jimmy says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Jimmy with her & jumps into a taxi... The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."
Gloves!
Haha I'm joking. He hasn't opened it yet.
Little Jimmy's dad walks into his son's room and says, "Jimmy don't jack off, you'll go blind."
Little Jimmy: "Dad I'm over here, in the living room..."
...you might find this hard to believe, but they don't really like each other." - Jimmy Carr
I would have thought the most obvious one was "shout for help"
~ *Jimmy Carr*
One day Jimmy and Joey were walking through their neighborhood looking for something to do.
Jimmy then shouted, " JOEY LOOK A NAKED LADY"
Joey looked and sure enough there was a woman sunbathing by her pool naked.
Joey then screamed very loudly and ran away in a panic.
Jimmy was very puzzled at why Joey ran, so he chased down Joey to see what happened.
He catches Joey and asks him, "Why are you running away? We finally got to see a naked lady."
Joey responded, "My mamma always told me that if I ever saw a person naked I would turn to stone, and back there I felt something get hard.
The teacher asks little Johnny, "If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny thinks about it for a few seconds and says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "No, let's try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more."
Johnny spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "Let's try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?"
Johnny says, "Six."
The teacher says, "Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny again says, "Seven."
The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at Johnny, "Why do you keep saying seven?!"
Johnny says, "Because... I've already got a cat!"
I said: "Of course you won't, it's your phone number!"
​
\- Jimmy Carr
But their house are just a one room apartment, so they tell Jimmy to go out to the balcony, look at the street and tell them what he sees.
I see people are in a hurry, it must because a rain is coming up - says Jimmy.
Uh, yeah, what else do you see ? - asks the father
Well, I see the polices are chasing a thieft, he runs into the far alley and gets caught there. - Jimmy continues his observation.
Ahhh, yessss, Excellent Jimmy, do you see anything else ?
Well, Jane parents are having sex
What, how do you know ? - the father asks.
I see Jane is standing at the balcony and watch the street too.
Grandpa was a keen country sportsman and one day he decided to take his grandson shooting with him. Togged up in all his hunting gear, shotgun broken across his forearm, he proudly led little Jimmy down to the lake side. After waiting patiently for a while a lone duck came into view flying over the lake. "Now watch this Jimmy," says Grandpa. He takes careful aim and fires. The duck flies serenely on. "My boy," exclaims Grandpa, "you are witnessing a miracle. There flies a dead duck."
"Daddy why are your and mommy's faces so bright if mine is so dark?" says the kid. The dad looks at him and goes: "Jimmy the party was so wild you should be happy you're not barking now".
... when I saw my mother-in-law being beaten up by six men.
My wife said, "Aren't you going to help?"
I said, "Six should be enough."
*(Copyright Les Dawson, as retold by Jimmy Carr on QI.)*
"No I don't! I can stop anytime I want!"
Looking for a little knowledge, Jimmy walks into his local community college and asks the admissions clerk on duty what classes are being offered. The clerk tells Jimmy there is a logic course starting up soon.
"Logic?" Asks Jimmy, "what's that?"
"Logic is real easy, let me explain it this way, Jimmy do you own a lawnmower?"
"Why yes I do"
"Ok, that must mean you've got a yard"
"Yup"
"If you've got a yard, then you must have a house"
"Sure do"
"And if you've got a house, you probably have kids"
"Three of them!"
"Wow, then you must be a heterosexual male with a beautiful wife at home"
"Yes, yes! This logic thing is pretty cool, sign me up!"
Later that day Jimmy goes home and sees his neighbor Gary and tells Gary about his new college course. Gary says "logic? What's that?"
"Well let me explain it like this", says Jimmy. "Do you own a lawnmower Gary?"
"No, I always borrow yours"
"Well then you must be a homosexual!"
Heres one: Jimmy is playing in his room when a wormhole opens up and Jimmy 30 years from now gets out.
Younger Jimmy says,' Wow! What do I become when I grow up?'
'A pedophile' Older Jimmy says as he locks the door.
Teacher: "Ok, Jimmy. If I gave you two cats and another two cats, how many cats would you have?"
Jimmy: "Five!"
Teacher: "No, Jimmy. Let me ask you another way. If I give you two apples and I give you another two apples, how many apples would you have?"
Jimmy: "Four!"
Teacher: "Good, Jimmy! Now if I gave you two cats and another two cats, how many cats would you have?"
Jimmy: "Five!"
Teacher: "Jimmy! That is incorrect! Why are you answering with five?"
Jimmy: "Because I already have a cat!"
His teacher asks him "Why weren't you in school yesterday Jimmy?"
He says "Sorry, my Granddad got burnt."
"Oh" she says "Was he badly burnt?"
Jimmy replied "Well they normally do a good job at the crematorium"
Jimmy had been hearing loud bumping noises coming from his parents room for the last 3 or 4 nights. The next night , the noises started again, so he goes to investigate. Quietly opening his parents bedroom door, he see's his mother bouncing up and down on his father. Quietly, he slips back to bed. The next morning,Jimmy asks his mom why she was bouncing up and down on dads stomach.
Mom thinks for a minute , then tells Jimmy, "It's part of a new diet plan to help dad lose weight."
Jimmy then replies, "I don't think it will work mom".
Mom asks Jimmy, "why not!"
"Because every morning when you leave for work, Mrs. Jones from next door comes over and blows daddy back up!"
Jimmy Kim-il
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
"Jimmy, what did you do during recess" asks the teacher. "I played in the sandbox with Sally" says Jimmy. "That's great! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you get a cookie!" Jimmy does and gets his reward.
"Sally, what did you do during recess?" "I played in the sand box with Jimmy!" "Wow! If you can spell 'box' on the board, you get a cookie!" Sally does and gets a cookie.
"Jamal, what did you do during recess?" "I tried to play with Sally and Jimmy but they just threw rocks at me." "Oh my! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' on the board, you get a cookie!"
Billy-Bob and Jimmy are standing at the base of a flag-pole, looking up and scratching their heads, when a beautiful blonde woman walks by and inquires about their purpose.
"We've been hired to find out the height of this here flag-pole, such that we might fit it properly with the flag of this great nation." Billy-Bob replied, "But we just don't have a ladder!"
The blonde looks up, turns around and walks off, only to return moments later with a screw-driver and measuring tape. The blonde proceeds to unscrew the flagpole from the base, lay it on its side, measure it, and return the pole back to its upright position. The blonde smiles at Billy-Bob and Jimmy, exclaiming happily:
"That flagpole is exactly 15 feet long!" She turns and continues on her way, happy with her effort and goodwill.
Billy-Bob turns to Jimmy, shaking his head at their wasted time. "Isn't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.
She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.
Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!…"
One day jimmy went down to the pond with him friend Billy to fish when they saw a beautiful woman naked swimming in the pond the two kids watched in awe when suddenly jimmy ran away scarred
Jimmy ran home to his mom crying saying "sorry I did a bad thing!" "What did you do asked jimmy's mom?" Jimmy wiped away a tear and said "I saw a naked lady in the pond and I got scarred because I started to feel like I was turning to stone so I ran."
If only Africa had more mosquito nets
Then every year we could save millions
Of mosquitos from dying needless from aids
\- Jimmy Carr
Jimmy comes home from school and his mum asks him what he's learned
today. "I learned that if I have three apples and Jenny gives me two more apples, I'll have five apples."
"That's right," says his mum. "So if you have four bananas and I give you three more, how many will you have?"
"Dunno. We haven't done bananas yet."
She she says to little Sally
-"Sally, what did you do at recess?"
-"I played in the sand box"
-"If you can spell the word "sand" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie"
So she spells it and enjoys a cookie
Then comes in Jimmy so the teacher says
-"Jimmy, what did you do at recess?"
-"I played in the sandbox with Sally"
-"If you can spell "box" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie"
So he spells it and enjoys a cookie
Then Tyrone comes in
-"Tyrone, what did you do at recess"
-"Sally and Jimmy threw rocks at me!"
-"wow that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell "blatant racial discrimination" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie"
"So, Timothy, what does your father do ?"
"My dad is a firefighter !"
"Fantastic ! And you Samantha, what does your father do ?"
" He's an accountant !"
"Wonderful ! And yours, Jimmy ?"
Poor little Jimmy then breaks into tears and wails "my father is dead !"
"Oh, I'm so sorry Jimmy, I didn't know... But did he do before dying ?"
"Well, he was all like : ARGLALRGHALRLALGALHA !"
Jimmy, you got a circumcision right? How long did it take you to recover?
Well, I got it when I was three days old and I wasn't able to walk for 11 months after it
"Jimmy, what did you do during recess?" asks the teacher.
"I played in the sand box with Sally!"
"That's great! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you get a cookie!"
Jimmy does and gets his reward.
"Sally, what did you do during recess?"
"I played in the sand box with Jimmy!"
"Wow! If you can spell 'box' on the board, you get a cookie!"
Sally does and gets a cookie.
"Jamal, what did you do during recess?"
"I tried to play with Sally and Jimmy but they just threw rocks at me."
"Oh my! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' on the board, you get a cookie!"
They're flying off the shelves!!!
(Credit goes to jimmy Carr on that one)
Very Little
Courtesy of Jimmy Carr
Young Jimmy has an assignment to distinguish the difference between theory and reality. Not sure how to start he asks his dad.
"Dad, I need help with this assignment."
"What is is, son?"
"I need to explain the difference between theory and reality"
"Ahhh, that's easy. Here... go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for one-million dollars.
So Jimmy goes and asks his mom, "Hey mom, would you sleep with Robert Redford for one-million dollars?" After a bit of contemplation, mom responds with a resounding yes. Jimmy goes back and tells his father the result.
"Ah-ha, just as I thought. Now, go ask your sister the same question about Brad Pitt."
Jimmy finds his sister and asks her. Without hesitation she says yes. Jimmy goes back to his father with the answer.
"...and there you have it, Jimmy."
"I don't get it dad." Jimmy responds.
Jimmy's father laughs and straightens up in his chair.
"In theory, we're sittin' on about two-million dollars... but in reality, we're living with a couple of whores."
Jimmy: Well duh, the moon; because it's allowed to go out at night.
One day the dog died, and Jimmy went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' say a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied,
"I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Protestants down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Jimmy said,
"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed,
"Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
I went in to donate a kidney once
but when I arrived at the hospital they asked me where I'd got it from
-Jimmy Carr
Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. Did you get that for your birthday? – asked Johnny.
Nope. – replied Jimmy. Well, did you get it for Christmas then?
Again Jimmy said Nope. You didn't steal it, did you? – asked Johnny.
No, said Jimmy. I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. What do you want now? I wanna watch, Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.
The teacher looks at Suzy first and says
"Suzy can you use the word stupid in a sentence?
"Yes I can. Jimmy is very stupid."
"Great!" said the teacher. "Now can you use ugly in a sentence?"
"Jimmy is very ugly."
The teacher turns to Jimmy and says "Can you upstage her, Jimmy? Try using the word dictate in a sentence."
Jimmy looks at the teacher and without missing a beat says "I may be ugly and I may be stupid, but Suzy says my dictate good."
CNN shows the missiles taking off and Al-Jazeera shows them landing.
(Not mine, just heard it on the Jimmy Dore show)
also
"My favorite indie band is palestinian. I think they're really going to blow up."
Johnny said, Mindy Carlson let me kiss her in the playground after Math—she's one of the greats.
That's nothing, said Billy, Madison let me kiss her with tongues in the gym after Chemistry—she's a Hall-of-Fame-girl.
Little Jimmy just shook his head. You know Becca Sampson? She'll go down in history.
Kids in school were told to write a short essay with the phrase "There is only one mother". The next day in class the Timmy reads "There is only one mother and she takes care of me when I'm sick", next Sarah reads "There is only one mother and she prepares meals for the whole family, does the laundry and tucks me into bed at night." Finally little Jimmy reads "So my parents had a party last weekend, half of the guests are lying in their own puke but the other half is still standing and we run out of booze so mother tells me to go fetch two bottle of vodka from the fridge. I open the fridge and yell <
Whoops, wrong sub.
You put it into world leaders.
Note - This is an old joke I've heard when I was a kid, but seeing how Jimmy Carter was cured by a drug that was just released recently, it feels like a sad reality.
It was hard because it took me so long to get her husband's voice just right.
^by ^Jimmy ^Carr
Little Johnny goes to his mom and asks "how old are you mom?"
His mother says "a lady never reveals her age"
The next day at school, Little Johnny tells his friend Jimmy about this and he says "if you find your mom's drivers license, it will tell you everything about her." When he gets home, he sneaks into his mom's purse and finds her driver's license.
That evening, he goes to his mother and says "mom, I know that you're 33 years old, and that your height is 5'3""
"How do you know?" she replies
"Because I found your driver's license and it has all your information! It also know why dad left you. It's because you got an F in sex"
A first grade teacher is bringing her class in from recess.
Teacher: Jimmy, what did you do outside?
Jimmy: I played in the sandbox
Teacher: Wonderful! If you can spell "sand", you will get a cookie! What did you do Sally?
Sally: I played in the sandbox with Jimmy.
Teacher: Fantastic! If you can spell "box", you will get a cookie! Toby, what did you do?
Toby: I wanted to play in the sandbox, but Sally and Jimmy wouldn't let me because I am black.
Teacher: That sounds like blatant racial discrimination! If you can spell "blatant racial discrimination"...
The judge asked each one of them to come forward, say their names, and what they had done.
The first child stepped forward and said, "My name is Jimmy, and I threw peanuts in the elephant pen."
The next said, "My name is Susan, and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Billy," said the third kid, "and I also threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
The fourth child then stepped forward and said, "My name is Peanuts."
After years of work and billions of dollars, we can send a single astronaut to Mars and back. Jimmy is chosen to go on the mission with zero possibility of communication until he returns 10 years later. With a huge celebration, the shuttle takes off and the wait begins. After 10 years, Jimmy returns. Everyone is ecstatic, scientists, politicians and reporters all ask the same question: "Is there life on Mars?"
"It's a dead, stupid planet" answers Jimmy, shrugging. Everybody is sad, disappointed, accepting defeat.
When he's back at his house, his kid asks again "Dad, is there really no life on Mars?"
"Okay, so all the stores close at 2pm and they don't have whiskey, would you call it a life?"
Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they're all attending in Kansas.
Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.
They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.
What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: I've come for some courage.
No problem! says the Wizard. Who is next?
Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well…I…I think I need a heart.
Done, says the Wizard.
Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?
Up steps George W. Bush, who says, I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.
Not a problem! says the Wizard. Consider it done.
There is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, What do you want?
Ummm, he says quietly, is Dorothy around?
It's spelling bee day and Teacher has it down to three students remaining, Chloe, Jimmy and Little Johnny.
"Chloe, could you spell solidify?"
"Solidify, S...O...L...I...D...I...F...Y, solidify."
"Correct, Chloe. Could you use it in a sentence?"
"OK. Um, in order to turn water into ice, you must solidify it by leaving it in the freezer."
"Very good Chloe. Now Jimmy, would you like to spell integrity for me?"
"Integrity. Let's see, I...N...T...E...G...R...I...T........E, integrity."
"I'm sorry Jimmy, that's incorrect, but good try."
"And now, Little Johnny, I'd like you to spell asinine."
"Uhhh, asinine, A...S...I...uh...N...I...N......E, asinine."
"Correct! Can you use it in a sentence?"
Little Johnny paused for a moment and replied, "You're a very pretty lady, miss. Your face is beautiful, your lips are red and inviting, your eyes could light up a thousand rooms, but I give that asinine!"
The first night, he ate dinner over the McNally's house. The table was set and before everyone ate, they all said a prayer.
On the second night, he ate dinner at the Goldman's house. The table was set and before anyone ate, they all said a prayer.
On the third night, little Little Jimmy went over the Vitali's house. Mamma Vitali and her daughters set the table and immediately everyone started to eat.
Shocked, Jimmy asks his friend Anthony,
"Hey Anthony, how come you guys don't pray before you eat?
Anthony replies with a mouth full of pasta,
"We're Italian, my mom knows how to cook!"
As he does he's surprised when a glass eye lands in his open palm. Curious, he looks up and sees an attractive woman looking down from the balcony above.
"Um, is this yours?" he asks, holding up the optic.
"Yes, thank you!" she replies. "I'm Linda, can you bring it up for me?"
When Jim arrives, Linda asks if he'd like to stay for dinner. During the evening one thing leads to another and they end up having a passionate night together.
"That was wonderful" says Jim, "tell me, do you do this often?"
"No" Linda replies, "only if someone catches my eye..."
A man walks in and says to little Jimmy,
Jimmy! I am you from the future!
Awesome! Says little Jimmy. What do I become in the future ?
A paedophile... he replied, locking the door.
No, sir. It's the same dog.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.