Jimmy Jokes
160 jimmy jokes and hilarious jimmy puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about jimmy that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh along with Jimmy as he shares his hilarious jokes about being in a wheelchair—from Little Jimmy, Wheelchair Jimmy, Gerry, Mick, and Lenny. Read about the creative ways Jimmy turns life's obstacles into comedy gold.
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Funniest Jimmy Short Jokes
Short jimmy jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jimmy humour may include short jim carrey jokes also.
- What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon? I can get through a Jimmy Fallon sketch without laughing.
- The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence. Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch
becomes
Jimmy went to school and ate his colon - The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
- What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon? I can get through one of his jokes without laughing.
- I went to school with a very tall guy named Jimmy Glasscock. You could always see him coming.
- When he was growing up, everybody laughed when Jimmy Fallon said he wanted to be a comedian... Nobody's laughing now.
- Jimmy, the electrician's son was grounded by his parents... I heard his parents say he had no potential
- What did little no armed Jimmy get for Christmas? Gloves!
Haha I'm joking. He hasn't opened it yet. - I saw that show, "50 Things To Do Before You Die"... I would have thought the most obvious one was "shout for help"
~ *Jimmy Carr* - A police officer told me once: "We'll never forget 9/11". I said: "Of course you won't, it's your phone number!"
​
\- Jimmy Carr
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Jimmy One Liners
Which jimmy one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jimmy? I can suggest the ones about billy and little timmy.
- What is Jimmy McGill's favorite cut of meat? Chuck roast.
- Jimmy Kimmel should have floyd mayweather read mean tweets after the fight Oh wait
- How does Jimmy season his world before eating it? It just takes some thyme
- "Jimmy, I think you have a brake fluid problem." "No I don't! I can stop anytime I want!"
- Who hosts the Late Night Show in North Korea? Jimmy Kim-il
- I'll tell you what I know about dwarfs! Very Little
Courtesy of Jimmy Carr - TIFU by going to Jimmy John's for lunch.. Whoops, wrong sub.
- Why didn't Jimmy want to work at the bakery? It had a high turnover rate.
- Why was Jimmy so excited to go to Clown College? He got a fool scholarship.
- Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa walk into a bar. [ERROR 404: NOT FOUND]
- Why does Jimmy eat his Oreos with water? Cuz his dad never came back with the milk
- Why did jimmy drop his ice cream? Because he was hit by a bus
- Jimmy was blowing bubbles in the bathtub... then Bubbles got up and left.
- People hate it when I tell a joke about their name It really Russels their Jimmies
- What do you call someone with an annoying laugh? Jimmy Fallon
Little Jimmy Jokes
Here is a list of funny little jimmy jokes and even better little jimmy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did little Jimmy drop his ice cream? He forgot to look both ways before crossing the street
- The teacher asks little Jimmy... Teacher:- "Jimmy, if you had five sweeties and little Mohammad asked you for one, how many sweeties would you have?"
Jimmy:- "Five" - Little Jimmy had a nice day. That's it.
Give the kid a break. - Little Jimmy's father is mad at his son. "Jimmy, you're a pig," he says. "Do you know what a pig is?"
"Yeah," Little Jimmy says. "A pig is a hog's little boy." - I've had Jimmy Eat World stck in my head the past couple days... It'll leave on it's own. It just takes a little time sometimes.
- Why did little Jimmy break open his computer? It said that it had 20 cookies in it.
- What does little Jimmy and the oak tree in the backyard have in common? They were both a nut once
- Where was little Jimmy when the bomb blew up? Everywhere.
- The little Jack to his mom : Mommy, I'm fed up with sleeping with Jimmy !
Don't tell that again, you know we can afford funerals for him ! - Little Jimmy was eating ketchup I caught him red handed
Jimmy Carr Jokes
Here is a list of funny jimmy carr jokes and even better jimmy carr puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife insisted that I list every woman I'd ever been with... so I started with the woman I lost my virginity to, all the way up to her. And that is where I should have stopped.
~Jimmy Carr - What Africa Really needs If only Africa had more mosquito nets
Then every year we could save millions
Of mosquitos from dying needless from aids
\- Jimmy Carr - I recently wrote a book about poltergeists.... They're flying off the shelves!!!
(Credit goes to jimmy Carr on that one) - I went to donate a kidney once.. I went in to donate a kidney once
but when I arrived at the hospital they asked me where I'd got it from
-Jimmy Carr - I was in a relationship with a blind girl... It was hard because it took me so long to get her husband's voice just right.
^by ^Jimmy ^Carr - Say what you like about the make-a-wish foundation. But they can work to a deadline. - Jimmy Carr
- If you like flowers but don't like gardening Run over a kid outside your driveway
-Jimmy Carr - I have no problems with buying tampons... I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present.
(Jimmy Carr) - Russians are sending peacekeepers into Ukraine. They're saying, " You see this piece of land? We're keeping it."
- Jimmy Carr - From Jimmy Carr Backseat drivers are always the same, why are we driving into the woods! Let me out! .
Jimmy Carter Jokes
Here is a list of funny jimmy carter jokes and even better jimmy carter puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do Jimmy Carter and the Long Island Railroad have in common? They both pull out of Roslyn every morning at 8:15.
- The most surprising moment in the inauguration Jimmy Carter is still alive
- What does Ronald Reagan have that Jimmy Carter doesn't? A widow.
- If Jimmy Carter and Jimmy Buffet teamed up for a Charity... It should be called 'Habitat For You Manatees ' .
- How does Jimmy Carter heal his wounds by looking at them?
- Why does Jimmy Carter swim on his back? To keep his nuts dry.
- Why can't Jimmy Carter accurately predict a population mean? He has a crisis of confidence.
- Your mom is like a psychiatrist* She's seen more nuts than Jimmy Carter.
- What did Jimmy Carter say to Ronald Reagan? Let me Eat your Turds !! Lol !!
Jimmy Fallon Jokes
Here is a list of funny jimmy fallon jokes and even better jimmy fallon puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A new survey found that 80% of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying 'that smells good' to be helping.
- When Jimmy Fallon started hosting The Tonight Show, Conan called him up to offer some advice... The first thing he said was:
"Kill your enemies and see them driven before you..." - I want to find a girl who makes me laugh like, everyone makes Jimmy Fallon laugh.
- Why don't Ethiopians watch jimmy Fallon's late night show? Because it's after dinner.
- If Jimmy fallon is arrested he will be charged with... Felony
- You're not completely useless... You can be used as a bad example.
*Heard Collin Farrell say this to Jimmy Fallon and laughed haha* - Today i got slapped really hard Now i know what Jimmy Fallon's table goes thru every interview
- What do you call a talk show host who tripped on a rock and broke his wiener? Fall-on, Jimmy.
- If laughter is the best medicine, Jimmy Fallon doesn't need health insurance.
Cheeky Jimmy Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about jimmy you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean little tommy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make jimmy pranks.
Professional boxers usually will abstain from s**... the night before a big fight....
...you might find this hard to believe, but they don't really like each other." - Jimmy Carr
"What do you dream of doing, kids?" Asked the teacher...
Jimmy: "I want to be a pilot"
Amber: "I want to be a teacher"
Stacy: "I want to be a good mother"
James: "I want to help Stacy to be a mother"
Jimmy approached his teacher
After looking at the syllabus for their next lesson on graphing, Jimmy approached his teacher with a stern look on his face and said, I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!
if men fall asleep directly after s**... . . .
why is it so hard to catch a r**...?
-Jimmy Carr
p.s. never high five a rabbi
What's the difference between jimmy savile and a greyhound.
The Greyhound waits for the hair to appear first.
What do Jimmy Saville's victims and Aston Villa fans have in common?
They're still talking about what happened in 1982.
I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy savile.
When I was 9, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.
The elementary class was learning about addition...
The teacher asks little Johnny, "If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny thinks about it for a few seconds and says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "No, let's try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more."
Johnny spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "Let's try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?"
Johnny says, "Six."
The teacher says, "Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny again says, "Seven."
The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at Johnny, "Why do you keep saying seven?!"
Johnny says, "Because... I've already got a cat!"
Jimmy and Joey (never seen this here so sorry if repost)
One day Jimmy and Joey were walking through their neighborhood looking for something to do.
Jimmy then shouted, " JOEY LOOK A n**... LADY"
Joey looked and sure enough there was a woman sunbathing by her pool n**....
Joey then screamed very loudly and ran away in a panic.
Jimmy was very puzzled at why Joey ran, so he chased down Joey to see what happened.
He catches Joey and asks him, "Why are you running away? We finally got to see a n**... lady."
Joey responded, "My mamma always told me that if I ever saw a person n**... I would turn to stone, and back there I felt something get hard.
What's the difference between CNN and Al-Jazeera?
CNN shows the missiles taking off and Al-Jazeera shows them landing.
(Not mine, just heard it on the Jimmy Dore show)
also
"My favorite indie band is palestinian. I think they're really going to blow up."
A black boy asks his white parents
"Daddy why are your and mommy's faces so bright if mine is so dark?" says the kid. The dad looks at him and goes: "Jimmy the party was so wild you should be happy you're not barking now".
Little Jimmy goes to school
His teacher asks him "Why weren't you in school yesterday Jimmy?"
He says "Sorry, my Granddad got burnt."
"Oh" she says "Was he badly burnt?"
Jimmy replied "Well they normally do a good job at the crematorium"
I was walking down the street with my wife...
... when I saw my mother-in-law being beaten up by six men.
My wife said, "Aren't you going to help?"
I said, "Six should be enough."
*(Copyright Les Dawson, as retold by Jimmy Carr on QI.)*
A Dad was talking with his son...
So the dad asked "Jimmy, what do you want to be when you grow up?" and the son said "I want to be just like you, daddy!". The dad was proud and asked him why was that. "Because I want to have a son just like me!"
A young mother is cleaning her son Jimmy's room...
When she stumbles upon an s**... magazine underneath his pillow. She freaks out because young Jimmy is only 8 years old. She runs to her room where she meets her husband.
"Bill, look what I found underneath Jimmy's pillow! He's only 8, what should we do??!"
The husband eyes the magazine and ponders.
"...Well we can't s**... him."
Jimmy don't j**..., you'll go blind.
Little Jimmy's dad walks into his son's room and says, "Jimmy don't j**..., you'll go blind."
Little Jimmy: "Dad I'm over here, in the living room..."
Little Jimmy at the Pool
Jennifer the lifeguard tells Jimmy to stop peeing in the pool. Little 6 year old Jimmy replies that everbody pees in the pool. Jennifer says that yes people do, but not from the diving board...
An Irish mother comes home from holiday
Mother to her son: "Where's your brother jimmy?"
Son: " Oh, He died."
Mother: "Jesus christ! Don't just come out with something like that, at least give me a warning of some sorts, like say he was on the roof and he fell off it or something!"
Son: "Oh ok, sorry mother"
Mother: "Never mind about that, where's your father?"
Son: "Well, He was on the roof..."
So little jimmy was peeing in the pool.
And the lifeguard yells at him, hey little jimmy, your not allowed to pee in the pool.
And little jimmy says to the lifeguard, but, but all the little kids pee in the pool.
And the lifeguard replies, Yeah, but not from the diving board...
Why is your cat at school?
Jimmy walks in his classroom with his cat. Then the teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy sobbing replied, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
*love
Jimmy is out hunting with his best buddy Mark
When Mark suddenly clutches his chest and falls to the ground. Thinking quickly Jimmy calls 911.
"My friend just had a heart attack! I think he's dead." he says the operator
"Ok sir, calm down. First check to make sure he's definitely dead. I'll hold."
**\*BLAM***
"Yeah, he's definitely dead."
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
"David, why don't you go and play with...
...with Jimmy?" asks the mother.
"Oh mum, you wouldn't want to play with a filthy, obscene, thieving, lying boy, would you?"
"Of course not." says the mother, as she hugs her son.
"Well, Jimmy wouldn't either..."
What's the difference between me and Jimmy Kimmel?
I can make it to the end of a Jimmy Kimmel joke without laughing.
How do you cure aids?
You put it into world leaders.
Note - This is an old joke I've heard when I was a kid, but seeing how Jimmy Carter was cured by a drug that was just released recently, it feels like a sad reality.
Jimmy, your composition "My Dog" is the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
No, sir. It's the same dog.
Little Jimmy is sitting on the floor playing with his toy trains
A man walks in and says to little Jimmy,
Jimmy! I am you from the future!
Awesome! Says little Jimmy. What do I become in the future ?
A p**...... he replied, locking the door.
Why didn't Jimmy Savile want to be a Muslim?
He didn't need to die in order to get his hands on 72 virgins.
Jimmy's First Cow
One fine morning on the family farm, Jimmy excitedly ran into the house with a glass of milk. He can't wait to show his father so he runs into the living room.
He shouts "Hey dad! I just milked my first cow!" while proudly holding up the glass of milk and then chugging the entire thing.
His dad stares at him horrified and says "But son... we don't have a cow, we have a bull"
Johnny, Billy and Jimmy are discussing girls at their high school.
Johnny said, Mindy Carlson let me kiss her in the playground after Math—she's one of the greats.
That's nothing, said Billy, Madison let me kiss her with tongues in the gym after Chemistry—she's a Hall-of-Fame-girl.
Little Jimmy just shook his head. You know Becca Sampson? She'll go down in history.
Late Night Political Jokes
"Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 68 today. When asked what her favorite gift was, she said, 'Donald Trump.'" Jimmy Fallon
"They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'" David Letterman
"Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a daughter named Charlotte this weekend. Hillary Clinton was really excited until she remembered that you have to be 18 to vote." Seth Meyers
One of Colin Mochrie's many gut busters.
Famous Irish hit-man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClardy was arrested today, and confessed to the crime of beating a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcilean dolls. The police admit, this may be the first recorded instance of a knick knack p**... whack...
Why did jimmy eat his Homework?
Because the previous day, the teacher told her students; "Don't worry guys, it's gonna be a piece of cake".
Father wakes up his son and asks him a question.
What has 4 legs and isn't alive?
It's a chair dad... Why are you bothering me with this?!
No Jimmy, it's your dog...
Jimmy in the school..
One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"
why would you be a s**... bomber...
And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!
Source: Jimmy Carr
Jimmy Saville, rolf Harris and Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland
The barman says "Not Yewtree again"
It's Jim's birthday
Jim's wife treats her man by taking him to a s**... Club for his birthday... At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Jimmy, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Jimmy says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jimmy says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Jimmy with her & jumps into a taxi... The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."
Maths lesson
Jimmy comes home from school and his mum asks him what he's learned
today. "I learned that if I have three apples and Jenny gives me two more apples, I'll have five apples."
"That's right," says his mum. "So if you have four bananas and I give you three more, how many will you have?"
"Dunno. We haven't done bananas yet."
2 Scientists walk into a bar...
The first one tells the bartender, "I'd like some H2O"
Upon hearing that, the second scientist says, "I'd like some water too. Jimmy, we're not in the lab anymore..."
Little Jimmy was sleeping in class when...
The teacher saw him dozing off and interrupted his nap.
He said in a stern tone: "Jimmy, you know you can't sleep in class."
Jimmy retorted: "Yeah, but if you were a little quieter I could."
A friend of mine asked me, "what rhymes with orange?"
I said, "no, it doesn't".
*Credit to Jimmy Carr.*
**
Two bricks of salt visit a meat factory...
And while they are looking down at one of the bone grinders, one of the salt brick accidentally falls down into the machine. The other salt brick watches in panic as his friend gets s**... into the blades and gears. After a while, the salt brick comes out from the other side of the grinding machine, all ground into pieces and powder.
"Oh my god! Are you okay Jimmy?" The salt brick on the top asks.
"Oh yeah I'm fine."
Colin Mochrie's best joke.
Our top story today: Convicted hitman Jimmy 'TwoShoes' McClardy confessed today that he was once paid to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures.
Police admit this might be the only case of a knickknack paddywhack.
Jimmy: "mommy mommy, at school they tell me that I don't pay attention to detail..."
woman: "jimmy, your house is two doors down"
Spaghetti is the term I believe...
With women, their sexuality can be a mood thing, can't it?
Spaghetti is the term I believe.
**Straight until wet**
-----------------------
(This is one of Jimmy Carr's jokes but I laughed a lot so I thought I'd share it.)
A teacher is informing her class
A teacher is informing her class. She says, "Students, I have a very important date to tell you about"
Lil Jimmy replies, "Ooooh, who's the lucky guy?"
A man was worried about getting a circumcision so he asks his friend for advice
Jimmy, you got a circumcision right? How long did it take you to recover?
Well, I got it when I was three days old and I wasn't able to walk for 11 months after it
What's older Jimmy, the sun or the moon?
Jimmy: Well duh, the moon; because it's allowed to go out at night.
The teacher to Jimmy:
"I am really sorry Jimmy but I can't give you anything better than a F in french."
Jimmy:"Gracias!"
Convicted hit man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClarty.
Confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using on two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first know case of a knick knack p**... whack.
Cr
My friend asked me if I had to have s**... with my mother to save my father's life what would I do?
Apparently reverse c**... is the wrong answer.
That's a Jimmy Carr joke, btw. It's my go to at the moment. Happy Friday everyone!
A teacher asks her primary school students what their father do for a living
"So, Timothy, what does your father do ?"
"My dad is a firefighter !"
"Fantastic ! And you Samantha, what does your father do ?"
" He's an accountant !"
"Wonderful ! And yours, Jimmy ?"
Poor little Jimmy then breaks into tears and wails "my father is dead !"
"Oh, I'm so sorry Jimmy, I didn't know... But did he do before dying ?"
"Well, he was all like : ARGLALRGHALRLALGALHA !"
I love it when a woman says those magical words which means she's up for s**... tonight
"This drink tastes funny"
~Jimmy Carr
The guy who wanted to change his name
A guy goes to a registry office to change his name. This is how the conversation goes with the officer:
\- You need to have a convincing reason to change your name, sir.
\- But my name is terrible!
\- Well, what's your name?
\- Johnny s**...
\- Oh, well, yes that's pretty convincing. What do you want to change it to?
\- Jimmy s**....
Look Ma! No hands!
d**... Jimmy those prosthetics were expensive!
Two blondes leave a restaurant and realize they've locked their keys in the car.
The husband fiddles with the door but isn't having any luck.
The wife says I know! I'll run inside and see if they have a coat hanger that we can use to Jimmy the lock!
The husband replies Great idea! But hurry, because it's about to rain and the top is down!
Permission To Marry Your Daughter
Jimmy asks his girlfriend's father permission to propose.
The father says, "I need to ask you two questions. The first question is, do you love my daughter?"
Jimmy eagerly responds, "Sir, I love her with all my heart."
My second question is, "Do you think you earn enough money to support a family."
Jimmy immediately answers, "Yes sir, I certainly do."
The father says, "Slow down and think carefully Jimmy. There is six of us."
If Trump goes to prison
he'll be very lonely because he pardoned all his friends
-
Jimmy Falon's writer
