Jimmy Jokes

Following is our collection of lenny humor and timmy one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Jimmy puns for adults, dirty jackie jokes or clean jimmy carr gags for kids.

There is an abundance of buckwheat jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 69 funniest jokes on jimmy. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any johnnie witze you can hear about jimmy.

The Best jokes about Jimmy

What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?

I can get through a Jimmy Fallon sketch without laughing.

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon

why would you be a suicide bomber...

And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!

Source: Jimmy Carr

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

A friend of mine asked me, "what rhymes with orange?"

I said, "no, it doesn't".

*Credit to Jimmy Carr.*

**


Jimmy approached his teacher

After looking at the syllabus for their next lesson on graphing, Jimmy approached his teacher with a stern look on his face and said, I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!

Jimmy Kimmel should have Floyd Mayweather read mean tweets after the fight

Oh wait

A young mother is cleaning her son Jimmy's room...

When she stumbles upon an S&M magazine underneath his pillow. She freaks out because young Jimmy is only 8 years old. She runs to her room where she meets her husband.

"Bill, look what I found underneath Jimmy's pillow! He's only 8, what should we do??!"

The husband eyes the magazine and ponders.

"...Well we can't spank him."

"What do you dream of doing, kids?" Asked the teacher...

Jimmy: "I want to be a pilot"

Amber: "I want to be a teacher"

Stacy: "I want to be a good mother"

James: "I want to help Stacy to be a mother"

I went to school with a very tall guy named Jimmy Glasscock.

You could always see him coming.

Two bricks of salt visit a meat factory...

And while they are looking down at one of the bone grinders, one of the salt brick accidentally falls down into the machine. The other salt brick watches in panic as his friend gets sucked into the blades and gears. After a while, the salt brick comes out from the other side of the grinding machine, all ground into pieces and powder.

"Oh my god! Are you okay Jimmy?" The salt brick on the top asks.

"Oh yeah I'm fine."


Jimmy in the school..

One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"

Jimmy, the electrician's son was grounded by his parents...

I heard his parents say he had no potential

Jimmy's First Cow

One fine morning on the family farm, Jimmy excitedly ran into the house with a glass of milk. He can't wait to show his father so he runs into the living room.

He shouts "Hey dad! I just milked my first cow!" while proudly holding up the glass of milk and then chugging the entire thing.

His dad stares at him horrified and says "But son... we don't have a cow, we have a bull"

Why is your cat at school?

Jimmy walks in his classroom with his cat. Then the teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy sobbing replied, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

*love

It's Jim's birthday

Jim's wife treats her man by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday... At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Jimmy, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Jimmy says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jimmy says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Jimmy with her & jumps into a taxi... The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."

What did little no armed Jimmy get for Christmas?

Gloves!

Haha I'm joking. He hasn't opened it yet.

Jimmy don't jack off, you'll go blind.

Little Jimmy's dad walks into his son's room and says, "Jimmy don't jack off, you'll go blind."

Little Jimmy: "Dad I'm over here, in the living room..."

Professional boxers usually will abstain from sex the night before a big fight....

...you might find this hard to believe, but they don't really like each other." - Jimmy Carr


I saw that show, "50 Things To Do Before You Die"...

I would have thought the most obvious one was "shout for help"

~ *Jimmy Carr*

Jimmy and Joey (never seen this here so sorry if repost)

One day Jimmy and Joey were walking through their neighborhood looking for something to do.
Jimmy then shouted, " JOEY LOOK A NAKED LADY"
Joey looked and sure enough there was a woman sunbathing by her pool naked.
Joey then screamed very loudly and ran away in a panic.
Jimmy was very puzzled at why Joey ran, so he chased down Joey to see what happened.
He catches Joey and asks him, "Why are you running away? We finally got to see a naked lady."
Joey responded, "My mamma always told me that if I ever saw a person naked I would turn to stone, and back there I felt something get hard.

The elementary class was learning about addition...

The teacher asks little Johnny, "If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"

Johnny thinks about it for a few seconds and says, "Seven."

The teacher says, "No, let's try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more."

Johnny spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, "Seven."

The teacher says, "Let's try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?"

Johnny says, "Six."

The teacher says, "Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"

Johnny again says, "Seven."

The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at Johnny, "Why do you keep saying seven?!"

Johnny says, "Because... I've already got a cat!"

A police officer told me once: "We'll never forget 9/11".

I said: "Of course you won't, it's your phone number!"

​

\- Jimmy Carr

Little Jimmy parents want to have some sexy times...

But their house are just a one room apartment, so they tell Jimmy to go out to the balcony, look at the street and tell them what he sees.

I see people are in a hurry, it must because a rain is coming up - says Jimmy.

Uh, yeah, what else do you see ? - asks the father

Well, I see the polices are chasing a thieft, he runs into the far alley and gets caught there. - Jimmy continues his observation.

Ahhh, yessss, Excellent Jimmy, do you see anything else ?

Well, Jane parents are having sex

What, how do you know ? - the father asks.

I see Jane is standing at the balcony and watch the street too.

The duck hunter

Grandpa was a keen country sportsman and one day he decided to take his grandson shooting with him. Togged up in all his hunting gear, shotgun broken across his forearm, he proudly led little Jimmy down to the lake side. After waiting patiently for a while a lone duck came into view flying over the lake. "Now watch this Jimmy," says Grandpa. He takes careful aim and fires. The duck flies serenely on. "My boy," exclaims Grandpa, "you are witnessing a miracle. There flies a dead duck."

A black boy asks his white parents

"Daddy why are your and mommy's faces so bright if mine is so dark?" says the kid. The dad looks at him and goes: "Jimmy the party was so wild you should be happy you're not barking now".

I was walking down the street with my wife...

... when I saw my mother-in-law being beaten up by six men.

My wife said, "Aren't you going to help?"

I said, "Six should be enough."

*(Copyright Les Dawson, as retold by Jimmy Carr on QI.)*

"Jimmy, I think you have a brake fluid problem."

"No I don't! I can stop anytime I want!"

Logic at the Community College

Looking for a little knowledge, Jimmy walks into his local community college and asks the admissions clerk on duty what classes are being offered. The clerk tells Jimmy there is a logic course starting up soon.
"Logic?" Asks Jimmy, "what's that?"
"Logic is real easy, let me explain it this way, Jimmy do you own a lawnmower?"
"Why yes I do"
"Ok, that must mean you've got a yard"
"Yup"
"If you've got a yard, then you must have a house"
"Sure do"
"And if you've got a house, you probably have kids"
"Three of them!"
"Wow, then you must be a heterosexual male with a beautiful wife at home"
"Yes, yes! This logic thing is pretty cool, sign me up!"
Later that day Jimmy goes home and sees his neighbor Gary and tells Gary about his new college course. Gary says "logic? What's that?"
"Well let me explain it like this", says Jimmy. "Do you own a lawnmower Gary?"
"No, I always borrow yours"
"Well then you must be a homosexual!"

Put all your disgusting jokes here.

Heres one: Jimmy is playing in his room when a wormhole opens up and Jimmy 30 years from now gets out.

Younger Jimmy says,' Wow! What do I become when I grow up?'

'A pedophile' Older Jimmy says as he locks the door.

An elementary school teacher is asking a student a Maths question

Teacher: "Ok, Jimmy. If I gave you two cats and another two cats, how many cats would you have?"

Jimmy: "Five!"

Teacher: "No, Jimmy. Let me ask you another way. If I give you two apples and I give you another two apples, how many apples would you have?"

Jimmy: "Four!"

Teacher: "Good, Jimmy! Now if I gave you two cats and another two cats, how many cats would you have?"

Jimmy: "Five!"

Teacher: "Jimmy! That is incorrect! Why are you answering with five?"

Jimmy: "Because I already have a cat!"

Little Jimmy goes to school

His teacher asks him "Why weren't you in school yesterday Jimmy?"

He says "Sorry, my Granddad got burnt."

"Oh" she says "Was he badly burnt?"

Jimmy replied "Well they normally do a good job at the crematorium"

Bouncing neighbour...

Jimmy had been hearing loud bumping noises coming from his parents room for the last 3 or 4 nights. The next night , the noises started again, so he goes to investigate. Quietly opening his parents bedroom door, he see's his mother bouncing up and down on his father. Quietly, he slips back to bed. The next morning,Jimmy asks his mom why she was bouncing up and down on dads stomach.
Mom thinks for a minute , then tells Jimmy, "It's part of a new diet plan to help dad lose weight."
Jimmy then replies, "I don't think it will work mom".
Mom asks Jimmy, "why not!"
"Because every morning when you leave for work, Mrs. Jones from next door comes over and blows daddy back up!"

Who hosts the Late Night Show in North Korea?

Jimmy Kim-il

A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...

"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."

A class comes in from recess and is given a spelling test.

"Jimmy, what did you do during recess" asks the teacher. "I played in the sandbox with Sally" says Jimmy. "That's great! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you get a cookie!" Jimmy does and gets his reward.
"Sally, what did you do during recess?" "I played in the sand box with Jimmy!" "Wow! If you can spell 'box' on the board, you get a cookie!" Sally does and gets a cookie.
"Jamal, what did you do during recess?" "I tried to play with Sally and Jimmy but they just threw rocks at me." "Oh my! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' on the board, you get a cookie!"

Typical dumb blonde...

Billy-Bob and Jimmy are standing at the base of a flag-pole, looking up and scratching their heads, when a beautiful blonde woman walks by and inquires about their purpose.
"We've been hired to find out the height of this here flag-pole, such that we might fit it properly with the flag of this great nation." Billy-Bob replied, "But we just don't have a ladder!"
The blonde looks up, turns around and walks off, only to return moments later with a screw-driver and measuring tape. The blonde proceeds to unscrew the flagpole from the base, lay it on its side, measure it, and return the pole back to its upright position. The blonde smiles at Billy-Bob and Jimmy, exclaiming happily:
"That flagpole is exactly 15 feet long!" She turns and continues on her way, happy with her effort and goodwill.
Billy-Bob turns to Jimmy, shaking his head at their wasted time. "Isn't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

Another blonde joke

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.

She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.
Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!…"

Little jimmys mom told him that if he ever did a bad thing as punishment he would turn to stone....

One day jimmy went down to the pond with him friend Billy to fish when they saw a beautiful woman naked swimming in the pond the two kids watched in awe when suddenly jimmy ran away scarred

Jimmy ran home to his mom crying saying "sorry I did a bad thing!" "What did you do asked jimmy's mom?" Jimmy wiped away a tear and said "I saw a naked lady in the pond and I got scarred because I started to feel like I was turning to stone so I ran."

What Africa Really needs

If only Africa had more mosquito nets

Then every year we could save millions

Of mosquitos from dying needless from aids

\- Jimmy Carr

Maths lesson

Jimmy comes home from school and his mum asks him what he's learned
today. "I learned that if I have three apples and Jenny gives me two more apples, I'll have five apples."

"That's right," says his mum. "So if you have four bananas and I give you three more, how many will you have?"

"Dunno. We haven't done bananas yet."

A teacher calls up her first grade class from recess

She she says to little Sally
-"Sally, what did you do at recess?"
-"I played in the sand box"
-"If you can spell the word "sand" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie"
So she spells it and enjoys a cookie
Then comes in Jimmy so the teacher says
-"Jimmy, what did you do at recess?"
-"I played in the sandbox with Sally"
-"If you can spell "box" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie"
So he spells it and enjoys a cookie
Then Tyrone comes in
-"Tyrone, what did you do at recess"
-"Sally and Jimmy threw rocks at me!"
-"wow that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell "blatant racial discrimination" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie"

A teacher asks her primary school students what their father do for a living

"So, Timothy, what does your father do ?"

"My dad is a firefighter !"

"Fantastic ! And you Samantha, what does your father do ?"

" He's an accountant !"

"Wonderful ! And yours, Jimmy ?"

Poor little Jimmy then breaks into tears and wails "my father is dead !"

"Oh, I'm so sorry Jimmy, I didn't know... But did he do before dying ?"

"Well, he was all like : ARGLALRGHALRLALGALHA !"

A man was worried about getting a circumcision so he asks his friend for advice

Jimmy, you got a circumcision right? How long did it take you to recover?


Well, I got it when I was three days old and I wasn't able to walk for 11 months after it

The class comes in from recess and gets a spelling quiz...

"Jimmy, what did you do during recess?" asks the teacher.
"I played in the sand box with Sally!"
"That's great! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you get a cookie!"
Jimmy does and gets his reward.
"Sally, what did you do during recess?"
"I played in the sand box with Jimmy!"
"Wow! If you can spell 'box' on the board, you get a cookie!"
Sally does and gets a cookie.
"Jamal, what did you do during recess?"
"I tried to play with Sally and Jimmy but they just threw rocks at me."
"Oh my! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' on the board, you get a cookie!"

I recently wrote a book about poltergeists....

They're flying off the shelves!!!

(Credit goes to jimmy Carr on that one)

I'll tell you what I know about dwarfs!

Very Little


Courtesy of Jimmy Carr

Theory and Reality

Young Jimmy has an assignment to distinguish the difference between theory and reality. Not sure how to start he asks his dad.

"Dad, I need help with this assignment."

"What is is, son?"

"I need to explain the difference between theory and reality"

"Ahhh, that's easy. Here... go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for one-million dollars.

So Jimmy goes and asks his mom, "Hey mom, would you sleep with Robert Redford for one-million dollars?" After a bit of contemplation, mom responds with a resounding yes. Jimmy goes back and tells his father the result.

"Ah-ha, just as I thought. Now, go ask your sister the same question about Brad Pitt."

Jimmy finds his sister and asks her. Without hesitation she says yes. Jimmy goes back to his father with the answer.

"...and there you have it, Jimmy."

"I don't get it dad." Jimmy responds.

Jimmy's father laughs and straightens up in his chair.

"In theory, we're sittin' on about two-million dollars... but in reality, we're living with a couple of whores."

What's older Jimmy, the sun or the moon?

Jimmy: Well duh, the moon; because it's allowed to go out at night.

Jimmy lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Jimmy went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' say a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied,
"I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Protestants down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Jimmy said,
"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think Β£5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed,
"Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

I went to donate a kidney once..

I went in to donate a kidney once
but when I arrived at the hospital they asked me where I'd got it from

-Jimmy Carr

The Shiny Watch of Jimmy

Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. Did you get that for your birthday? – asked Johnny.

Nope. – replied Jimmy. Well, did you get it for Christmas then?

Again Jimmy said Nope. You didn't steal it, did you? – asked Johnny.

No, said Jimmy. I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. What do you want now? I wanna watch, Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.

Little Jimmy and Suzy are in class when their teacher begins to go over grammar and sentences.

The teacher looks at Suzy first and says
"Suzy can you use the word stupid in a sentence?
"Yes I can. Jimmy is very stupid."
"Great!" said the teacher. "Now can you use ugly in a sentence?"
"Jimmy is very ugly."
The teacher turns to Jimmy and says "Can you upstage her, Jimmy? Try using the word dictate in a sentence."
Jimmy looks at the teacher and without missing a beat says "I may be ugly and I may be stupid, but Suzy says my dictate good."

What's the difference between CNN and Al-Jazeera?

CNN shows the missiles taking off and Al-Jazeera shows them landing.

(Not mine, just heard it on the Jimmy Dore show)

also

"My favorite indie band is palestinian. I think they're really going to blow up."

Johnny, Billy and Jimmy are discussing girls at their high school.

Johnny said, Mindy Carlson let me kiss her in the playground after Mathβ€”she's one of the greats.

That's nothing, said Billy, Madison let me kiss her with tongues in the gym after Chemistryβ€”she's a Hall-of-Fame-girl.

Little Jimmy just shook his head. You know Becca Sampson? She'll go down in history.

There is only one mother

Kids in school were told to write a short essay with the phrase "There is only one mother". The next day in class the Timmy reads "There is only one mother and she takes care of me when I'm sick", next Sarah reads "There is only one mother and she prepares meals for the whole family, does the laundry and tucks me into bed at night." Finally little Jimmy reads "So my parents had a party last weekend, half of the guests are lying in their own puke but the other half is still standing and we run out of booze so mother tells me to go fetch two bottle of vodka from the fridge. I open the fridge and yell <>".

TIFU by going to Jimmy John's for lunch..

Whoops, wrong sub.

How do you cure aids?

You put it into world leaders.

Note - This is an old joke I've heard when I was a kid, but seeing how Jimmy Carter was cured by a drug that was just released recently, it feels like a sad reality.

I was in a relationship with a blind girl...

It was hard because it took me so long to get her husband's voice just right.

^by ^Jimmy ^Carr

I know why dad left you!

Little Johnny goes to his mom and asks "how old are you mom?"

His mother says "a lady never reveals her age"

The next day at school, Little Johnny tells his friend Jimmy about this and he says "if you find your mom's drivers license, it will tell you everything about her." When he gets home, he sneaks into his mom's purse and finds her driver's license.

That evening, he goes to his mother and says "mom, I know that you're 33 years old, and that your height is 5'3""

"How do you know?" she replies

"Because I found your driver's license and it has all your information! It also know why dad left you. It's because you got an F in sex"

If you can spell...

A first grade teacher is bringing her class in from recess.

Teacher: Jimmy, what did you do outside?

Jimmy: I played in the sandbox

Teacher: Wonderful! If you can spell "sand", you will get a cookie! What did you do Sally?

Sally: I played in the sandbox with Jimmy.

Teacher: Fantastic! If you can spell "box", you will get a cookie! Toby, what did you do?

Toby: I wanted to play in the sandbox, but Sally and Jimmy wouldn't let me because I am black.

Teacher: That sounds like blatant racial discrimination! If you can spell "blatant racial discrimination"...

Four kids were being tried in court after some foul behavior at the zoo.

The judge asked each one of them to come forward, say their names, and what they had done.



The first child stepped forward and said, "My name is Jimmy, and I threw peanuts in the elephant pen."

The next said, "My name is Susan, and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Billy," said the third kid, "and I also threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

The fourth child then stepped forward and said, "My name is Peanuts."

Travel to Mars

After years of work and billions of dollars, we can send a single astronaut to Mars and back. Jimmy is chosen to go on the mission with zero possibility of communication until he returns 10 years later. With a huge celebration, the shuttle takes off and the wait begins. After 10 years, Jimmy returns. Everyone is ecstatic, scientists, politicians and reporters all ask the same question: "Is there life on Mars?"

"It's a dead, stupid planet" answers Jimmy, shrugging. Everybody is sad, disappointed, accepting defeat.

When he's back at his house, his kid asks again "Dad, is there really no life on Mars?"

"Okay, so all the stores close at 2pm and they don't have whiskey, would you call it a life?"

Four former U.S. presidents...

Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they're all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.

What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: I've come for some courage.

No problem! says the Wizard. Who is next?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well…I…I think I need a heart.

Done, says the Wizard.

Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.

Not a problem! says the Wizard. Consider it done.

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, What do you want?

Ummm, he says quietly, is Dorothy around?

Little Johnny

It's spelling bee day and Teacher has it down to three students remaining, Chloe, Jimmy and Little Johnny.

"Chloe, could you spell solidify?"

"Solidify, S...O...L...I...D...I...F...Y, solidify."

"Correct, Chloe. Could you use it in a sentence?"

"OK. Um, in order to turn water into ice, you must solidify it by leaving it in the freezer."

"Very good Chloe. Now Jimmy, would you like to spell integrity for me?"

"Integrity. Let's see, I...N...T...E...G...R...I...T........E, integrity."

"I'm sorry Jimmy, that's incorrect, but good try."

"And now, Little Johnny, I'd like you to spell asinine."

"Uhhh, asinine, A...S...I...uh...N...I...N......E, asinine."

"Correct! Can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny paused for a moment and replied, "You're a very pretty lady, miss. Your face is beautiful, your lips are red and inviting, your eyes could light up a thousand rooms, but I give that asinine!"

Little Jimmy has spent the last few days eating over his friends house...

The first night, he ate dinner over the McNally's house. The table was set and before everyone ate, they all said a prayer.

On the second night, he ate dinner at the Goldman's house. The table was set and before anyone ate, they all said a prayer.

On the third night, little Little Jimmy went over the Vitali's house. Mamma Vitali and her daughters set the table and immediately everyone started to eat.

Shocked, Jimmy asks his friend Anthony,

"Hey Anthony, how come you guys don't pray before you eat?

Anthony replies with a mouth full of pasta,

"We're Italian, my mom knows how to cook!"

It's an overcast afternoon, so Jimmy sticks his hand out the window to see if it's raining...

As he does he's surprised when a glass eye lands in his open palm. Curious, he looks up and sees an attractive woman looking down from the balcony above.
"Um, is this yours?" he asks, holding up the optic.
"Yes, thank you!" she replies. "I'm Linda, can you bring it up for me?"
When Jim arrives, Linda asks if he'd like to stay for dinner. During the evening one thing leads to another and they end up having a passionate night together.
"That was wonderful" says Jim, "tell me, do you do this often?"
"No" Linda replies, "only if someone catches my eye..."

Little Jimmy is sitting on the floor playing with his toy trains

A man walks in and says to little Jimmy,

Jimmy! I am you from the future!

Awesome! Says little Jimmy. What do I become in the future ?

A paedophile... he replied, locking the door.

Jimmy, your composition "My Dog" is the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

No, sir. It's the same dog.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes