The Best 71 Jimmy Jokes
Following is our collection of Jimmy jokes which are very funny. There are some jimmy timmy jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these jimmy jimmy carr puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Jimmy Jokes and Puns
What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?
I can get through a Jimmy Fallon sketch without laughing.
A police officer told me once: "We'll never forget 9/11".
I said: "Of course you won't, it's your phone number!"
​
\- Jimmy Carr
I have no problems with buying tampons...
I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present.
(Jimmy Carr)
Why didn't Jimmy want to work at the bakery?
It had a high turnover rate.
Professional boxers usually will abstain from sex the night before a big fight....
...you might find this hard to believe, but they don't really like each other." - Jimmy Carr
"What do you dream of doing, kids?" Asked the teacher...
Jimmy: "I want to be a pilot"
Amber: "I want to be a teacher"
Stacy: "I want to be a good mother"
James: "I want to help Stacy to be a mother"
Jimmy approached his teacher
After looking at the syllabus for their next lesson on graphing, Jimmy approached his teacher with a stern look on his face and said, I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!
if men fall asleep directly after sex . . .
why is it so hard to catch a rapist?
-Jimmy Carr
p.s. never high five a rabbi
I'll tell you what I know about dwarfs!
Very Little
Courtesy of Jimmy Carr
I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile.
When I was 9, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.
I went to donate a kidney once..
I went in to donate a kidney once
but when I arrived at the hospital they asked me where I'd got it from
-Jimmy Carr
You can explore jimmy lenny reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean jimmy jackie dad jokes. There are also jimmy puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
The elementary class was learning about addition...
The teacher asks little Johnny, "If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny thinks about it for a few seconds and says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "No, let's try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more."
Johnny spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "Let's try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?"
Johnny says, "Six."
The teacher says, "Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny again says, "Seven."
The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at Johnny, "Why do you keep saying seven?!"
Johnny says, "Because... I've already got a cat!"
Jimmy and Joey (never seen this here so sorry if repost)
One day Jimmy and Joey were walking through their neighborhood looking for something to do.
Jimmy then shouted, " JOEY LOOK A NAKED LADY"
Joey looked and sure enough there was a woman sunbathing by her pool naked.
Joey then screamed very loudly and ran away in a panic.
Jimmy was very puzzled at why Joey ran, so he chased down Joey to see what happened.
He catches Joey and asks him, "Why are you running away? We finally got to see a naked lady."
Joey responded, "My mamma always told me that if I ever saw a person naked I would turn to stone, and back there I felt something get hard.
What's the difference between CNN and Al-Jazeera?
CNN shows the missiles taking off and Al-Jazeera shows them landing.
(Not mine, just heard it on the Jimmy Dore show)
also
"My favorite indie band is palestinian. I think they're really going to blow up."
A black boy asks his white parents
"Daddy why are your and mommy's faces so bright if mine is so dark?" says the kid. The dad looks at him and goes: "Jimmy the party was so wild you should be happy you're not barking now".
Little Jimmy goes to school
His teacher asks him "Why weren't you in school yesterday Jimmy?"
He says "Sorry, my Granddad got burnt."
"Oh" she says "Was he badly burnt?"
Jimmy replied "Well they normally do a good job at the crematorium"
I was walking down the street with my wife...
... when I saw my mother-in-law being beaten up by six men.
My wife said, "Aren't you going to help?"
I said, "Six should be enough."
*(Copyright Les Dawson, as retold by Jimmy Carr on QI.)*
A Dad was talking with his son...
So the dad asked "Jimmy, what do you want to be when you grow up?" and the son said "I want to be just like you, daddy!". The dad was proud and asked him why was that. "Because I want to have a son just like me!"
What did little no armed Jimmy get for Christmas?
Gloves!
Haha I'm joking. He hasn't opened it yet.
A young mother is cleaning her son Jimmy's room...
When she stumbles upon an S&M magazine underneath his pillow. She freaks out because young Jimmy is only 8 years old. She runs to her room where she meets her husband.
"Bill, look what I found underneath Jimmy's pillow! He's only 8, what should we do??!"
The husband eyes the magazine and ponders.
"...Well we can't spank him."
Jimmy don't jack off, you'll go blind.
Little Jimmy's dad walks into his son's room and says, "Jimmy don't jack off, you'll go blind."
Little Jimmy: "Dad I'm over here, in the living room..."
Little Jimmy at the Pool
Jennifer the lifeguard tells Jimmy to stop peeing in the pool. Little 6 year old Jimmy replies that everbody pees in the pool. Jennifer says that yes people do, but not from the diving board...
Who hosts the Late Night Show in North Korea?
Jimmy Kim-il
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
Put all your disgusting jokes here.
Heres one: Jimmy is playing in his room when a wormhole opens up and Jimmy 30 years from now gets out.
Younger Jimmy says,' Wow! What do I become when I grow up?'
'A pedophile' Older Jimmy says as he locks the door.
An Irish mother comes home from holiday
Mother to her son: "Where's your brother jimmy?"
Son: " Oh, He died."
Mother: "Jesus christ! Don't just come out with something like that, at least give me a warning of some sorts, like say he was on the roof and he fell off it or something!"
Son: "Oh ok, sorry mother"
Mother: "Never mind about that, where's your father?"
Son: "Well, He was on the roof..."
Why is your cat at school?
Jimmy walks in his classroom with his cat. Then the teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy sobbing replied, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
*love
Jimmy Kimmel should have Floyd Mayweather read mean tweets after the fight
Oh wait
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
"David, why don't you go and play with...
...with Jimmy?" asks the mother.
"Oh mum, you wouldn't want to play with a filthy, obscene, thieving, lying boy, would you?"
"Of course not." says the mother, as she hugs her son.
"Well, Jimmy wouldn't either..."
What's the difference between me and Jimmy Kimmel?
I can make it to the end of a Jimmy Kimmel joke without laughing.
How do you cure aids?
You put it into world leaders.
Note - This is an old joke I've heard when I was a kid, but seeing how Jimmy Carter was cured by a drug that was just released recently, it feels like a sad reality.
Jimmy, your composition "My Dog" is the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
No, sir. It's the same dog.
Little Jimmy is sitting on the floor playing with his toy trains
A man walks in and says to little Jimmy,
Jimmy! I am you from the future!
Awesome! Says little Jimmy. What do I become in the future ?
A paedophile... he replied, locking the door.
Why was Jimmy so excited to go to Clown College?
He got a fool scholarship.
I recently wrote a book about poltergeists....
They're flying off the shelves!!!
(Credit goes to jimmy Carr on that one)
Jimmy's First Cow
One fine morning on the family farm, Jimmy excitedly ran into the house with a glass of milk. He can't wait to show his father so he runs into the living room.
He shouts "Hey dad! I just milked my first cow!" while proudly holding up the glass of milk and then chugging the entire thing.
His dad stares at him horrified and says "But son... we don't have a cow, we have a bull"
Johnny, Billy and Jimmy are discussing girls at their high school.
Johnny said, Mindy Carlson let me kiss her in the playground after Math—she's one of the greats.
That's nothing, said Billy, Madison let me kiss her with tongues in the gym after Chemistry—she's a Hall-of-Fame-girl.
Little Jimmy just shook his head. You know Becca Sampson? She'll go down in history.
Late Night Political Jokes
"Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 68 today. When asked what her favorite gift was, she said, 'Donald Trump.'" Jimmy Fallon
"They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'" David Letterman
"Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a daughter named Charlotte this weekend. Hillary Clinton was really excited until she remembered that you have to be 18 to vote." Seth Meyers
Why did jimmy eat his Homework?
Because the previous day, the teacher told her students; "Don't worry guys, it's gonna be a piece of cake".
Father wakes up his son and asks him a question.
What has 4 legs and isn't alive?
It's a chair dad... Why are you bothering me with this?!
No Jimmy, it's your dog...
Jimmy in the school..
One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"
why would you be a suicide bomber...
And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!
Source: Jimmy Carr
Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris and Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland
The barman says "Not Yewtree again"
It's Jim's birthday
Jim's wife treats her man by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday... At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Jimmy, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Jimmy says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jimmy says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Jimmy with her & jumps into a taxi... The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."
Maths lesson
Jimmy comes home from school and his mum asks him what he's learned
today. "I learned that if I have three apples and Jenny gives me two more apples, I'll have five apples."
"That's right," says his mum. "So if you have four bananas and I give you three more, how many will you have?"
"Dunno. We haven't done bananas yet."
TIFU by going to Jimmy John's for lunch..
Whoops, wrong sub.
A friend of mine asked me, "what rhymes with orange?"
I said, "no, it doesn't".
*Credit to Jimmy Carr.*
**
Two bricks of salt visit a meat factory...
And while they are looking down at one of the bone grinders, one of the salt brick accidentally falls down into the machine. The other salt brick watches in panic as his friend gets sucked into the blades and gears. After a while, the salt brick comes out from the other side of the grinding machine, all ground into pieces and powder.
"Oh my god! Are you okay Jimmy?" The salt brick on the top asks.
"Oh yeah I'm fine."
Jimmy: "mommy mommy, at school they tell me that I don't pay attention to detail..."
woman: "jimmy, your house is two doors down"
"Jimmy, I think you have a brake fluid problem."
"No I don't! I can stop anytime I want!"
Jimmy, the electrician's son was grounded by his parents...
I heard his parents say he had no potential
Why did little Jimmy drop his ice cream?
He forgot to look both ways before crossing the street
I saw that show, "50 Things To Do Before You Die"...
I would have thought the most obvious one was "shout for help"
~ *Jimmy Carr*
A teacher is informing her class
A teacher is informing her class. She says, "Students, I have a very important date to tell you about"
Lil Jimmy replies, "Ooooh, who's the lucky guy?"
I went to school with a very tall guy named Jimmy Glasscock.
You could always see him coming.
I was in a relationship with a blind girl...
It was hard because it took me so long to get her husband's voice just right.
^by ^Jimmy ^Carr
A man was worried about getting a circumcision so he asks his friend for advice
Jimmy, you got a circumcision right? How long did it take you to recover?
Well, I got it when I was three days old and I wasn't able to walk for 11 months after it
What's older Jimmy, the sun or the moon?
Jimmy: Well duh, the moon; because it's allowed to go out at night.
What Africa Really needs
If only Africa had more mosquito nets
Then every year we could save millions
Of mosquitos from dying needless from aids
\- Jimmy Carr
The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.
Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch
becomes
Jimmy went to school and ate his colon
Convicted hit man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClarty.
Confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using on two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first know case of a knick knack paddy whack.
Cr
A teacher asks her primary school students what their father do for a living
"So, Timothy, what does your father do ?"
"My dad is a firefighter !"
"Fantastic ! And you Samantha, what does your father do ?"
" He's an accountant !"
"Wonderful ! And yours, Jimmy ?"
Poor little Jimmy then breaks into tears and wails "my father is dead !"
"Oh, I'm so sorry Jimmy, I didn't know... But did he do before dying ?"
"Well, he was all like : ARGLALRGHALRLALGALHA !"
The guy who wanted to change his name
A guy goes to a registry office to change his name. This is how the conversation goes with the officer:
\- You need to have a convincing reason to change your name, sir.
\- But my name is terrible!
\- Well, what's your name?
\- Johnny Shitface
\- Oh, well, yes that's pretty convincing. What do you want to change it to?
\- Jimmy Shitface.
Look Ma! No hands!
Dammit Jimmy those prosthetics were expensive!
Two blondes leave a restaurant and realize they've locked their keys in the car.
The husband fiddles with the door but isn't having any luck.
The wife says I know! I'll run inside and see if they have a coat hanger that we can use to Jimmy the lock!
The husband replies Great idea! But hurry, because it's about to rain and the top is down!
My wife insisted that I list every woman I'd ever been with...
so I started with the woman I lost my virginity to, all the way up to her. And that is where I should have stopped.
~Jimmy Carr
Permission To Marry Your Daughter
Jimmy asks his girlfriend's father permission to propose.
The father says, "I need to ask you two questions. The first question is, do you love my daughter?"
Jimmy eagerly responds, "Sir, I love her with all my heart."
My second question is, "Do you think you earn enough money to support a family."
Jimmy immediately answers, "Yes sir, I certainly do."
The father says, "Slow down and think carefully Jimmy. There is six of us."
If Trump goes to prison
he'll be very lonely because he pardoned all his friends
-
Jimmy Falon's writer
Police in Belfast have now been given permission to shoot people who break the curfew.
Paddy and Mick, have been put at the top of Belfast City Hall and are ordered to shoot anyone after the 8pm curfew.
The first night they are looking out at 7.45pm and Mick takes his gun and shoots a man.
"What are you doing Mick" said Paddy, "It's only a quarter to eight!"
"That was wee Jimmy, I know where he lives, he would never have made it home in time."
Two patients were sitting in a mental hospital cafetaria
Suddenly on the table over, a man, sitting all alone, started laughing hysterically.
First patient asked, "What do you make of that?"
"What, Jimmy two-face over there? That guy has split personality disorder", said the second patient.
"So what?" said the first patient.
"So, one of them must have told a great joke."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the jimmy buckwheat jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working jimmy johnnie piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.