The Best 43 Jimmy Carr Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Jimmy Carr jokes. There are some jimmy carr tony jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these jimmy carr jimmy savil puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Jimmy Carr Jokes and Puns

A police officer told me once: "We'll never forget 9/11".

I said: "Of course you won't, it's your phone number!"


\- Jimmy Carr

I said to my girlfriend, "Do you want to experiment with a role-play rape fantasy?"

She said, "**NO!**"

I said, "*That's the spirit!*" —Jimmy Carr

I have no problems with buying tampons...

I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present.

(Jimmy Carr)

Jimmy Carr joke, I have no problems with buying tampons...

Professional boxers usually will abstain from sex the night before a big fight.... might find this hard to believe, but they don't really like each other." - Jimmy Carr

Does anyone know any good rape jokes?

Jimmy Carr, "What do nine out of 10 people enjoy? / Gang rape.")

I met a Cute Sexy girl online...uninhibited

Yeah she was paraplegic

(Jimmy Carr)

if men fall asleep directly after sex . . .

why is it so hard to catch a rapist?

-Jimmy Carr

p.s. never high five a rabbi

Jimmy Carr joke, if men fall asleep directly after sex . . .

I'll tell you what I know about dwarfs!

Very Little

Courtesy of Jimmy Carr

When a man sleeps with a lot of women....

....he's called a stud. When a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she's called your mum.

-Another gem by Jimmy Carr

I went to donate a kidney once..

I went in to donate a kidney once
but when I arrived at the hospital they asked me where I'd got it from

-Jimmy Carr

o they're bringing in £100 fine for bad driving...

How sexist is that?

(via Jimmy Carr)

You can explore jimmy carr tammy reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean jimmy carr chloe dad jokes. There are also jimmy carr puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

I was walking down the street with my wife...

... when I saw my mother-in-law being beaten up by six men.

My wife said, "Aren't you going to help?"

I said, "Six should be enough."

*(Copyright Les Dawson, as retold by Jimmy Carr on QI.)*

"My Friend has got a theory."

"She reckons that the way to drive a man wild with desire is to nibble on his earlobes for hours on end."

"I think it's bollocks"

-Jimmy Carr

A friend asked me if it was wrong for him to send messages to himself online in order to appear more popular on social media

I said "No, go on, tweet yourself."

Shamelessly stolen from Jimmy Carr.

Osama bin laden

*ji had it coming.*

- Jimmy Carr "Big Fat Quiz 2011"

Women say men get turned on when they nibble on their earlobes.

I think it's bollocks.

- Jimmy Carr

Jimmy Carr joke, Women say men get turned on when they nibble on their earlobes.

My favourite two word joke.




( •_•)>⌐■-■





[By Jimmy Carr]

Adolf Hitler has been judged very harshly by history however..

he did kill Hitler.
NB: stolen from Jimmy Carr

When comedian Jimmy Carr was told by an obese women "I think you're fatist," he responded, "No. I think you're fattest."

I was recently asked if I'd judge Mr. gay UK.

 I said ''It wouId be my pIeasure. It's against nature, against God, and he's going to heII.'' - Jimmy Carr

If Sean Lock was a Hollywood actor...

... He'd be Robert Frowny Jr.

- Jimmy Carr

I recently wrote a book about poltergeists....

They're flying off the shelves!!!

(Credit goes to jimmy Carr on that one)

So, I wrote a book about poltergeists recently

**'s flying off the shelves."**

^^^Took ^^^this ^^^from ^^^Jimmy ^^^Carr's ^^^latest ^^^special

Did you know that 8 out of 10 women kiss with their eyes closed

That's why it's so hard to identify the rapist. - Jimmy Carr.

why would you be a suicide bomber...

And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!

Source: Jimmy Carr

They say there's strength in numbers.

Tell that to 6 million jews.
- Jimmy Carr

A friend of mine asked me, "what rhymes with orange?"

I said, "no, it doesn't".

*Credit to Jimmy Carr.*


People say there is power in numbers.

Say that to 6 million jews.
-Jimmy carr

I don't know about you, but I'm terrified of flying at the best of times

You never know how durable the condom really is.

(Jimmy Carr: Funny Business)

Spaghetti is the term I believe...

With women, their sexuality can be a mood thing, can't it?
Spaghetti is the term I believe.

**Straight until wet**

(This is one of Jimmy Carr's jokes but I laughed a lot so I thought I'd share it.)

I saw that show, "50 Things To Do Before You Die"...

I would have thought the most obvious one was "shout for help"

~ *Jimmy Carr*

It's very easy to distract a fat person....'s a piece of cake!!!

Source: Jimmy Carr

I was in a relationship with a blind girl...

It was hard because it took me so long to get her husband's voice just right.

^by ^Jimmy ^Carr

My girlfriend said she wanted our relationship to be magical! So we made passionate love...

And then I disappeared. -Jimmy Carr

What Africa Really needs

If only Africa had more mosquito nets

Then every year we could save millions

Of mosquitos from dying needless from aids

\- Jimmy Carr

He's so smart, he's like a walking, talking...

Stephen Hawking

*-Jimmy Carr*

My Muslim friend knows the Qur'an back to front...

Which is great, because that's how you read it.

(Thanks Jimmy Carr)

it's difficult to date when you have OCD.

Every time my girlfriend gets turned on, I turn her off again.I

(Jimmy Carr)

My friend asked me if I had to have sex with my mother to save my father's life what would I do?

Apparently reverse cowgirl is the wrong answer.

That's a Jimmy Carr joke, btw. It's my go to at the moment. Happy Friday everyone!

I read about a Catholic priest that exposed himself

So the church defrocked him.

- Jimmy Carr

I love it when a woman says those magical words which means she's up for sex tonight

"This drink tastes funny"

~Jimmy Carr

Say what you like about the make-a-wish foundation.

But they can work to a deadline. - Jimmy Carr

If you like flowers but don't like gardening

Run over a kid outside your driveway

-Jimmy Carr

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the jimmy carr jimmy kimmel jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working jimmy carr jimmy neutron piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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