jimmy carr Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious jimmy carr puns

why would you be a suicide bomber...

And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!

Source: Jimmy Carr


A friend of mine asked me, "what rhymes with orange?"

I said, "no, it doesn't".

*Credit to Jimmy Carr.*



My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl jerk him off in class.

That's three schools now. Maybe teaching isn't for him.

(Joke by Jimmy Carr)


Favourite one-liner?

"stationary shop moves" - Jimmy Carr

**Another favourite -** "I keep my porno tapes in my sock drawer, it's all you need in one place" - Jason Manford


Professional boxers usually will abstain from sex the night before a big fight....

...you might find this hard to believe, but they don't really like each other." - Jimmy Carr


If a blind girl tells you your penis is massive...

...she's probably pulling your leg (great show by Jimmy Carr tonight)


I saw that show, "50 Things To Do Before You Die"...

I would have thought the most obvious one was "shout for help"

~ *Jimmy Carr*


A police officer told me once: "We'll never forget 9/11".

I said: "Of course you won't, it's your phone number!"


\- Jimmy Carr


I was walking down the street with my wife...

... when I saw my mother-in-law being beaten up by six men.

My wife said, "Aren't you going to help?"

I said, "Six should be enough."

*(Copyright Les Dawson, as retold by Jimmy Carr on QI.)*


I said to my girlfriend, "Do you want to experiment with a role-play rape fantasy?"

She said, "**NO!**"

I said, "*That's the spirit!*" —Jimmy Carr


Few jokes fer ya

Couple of short ones:

How do you castrate a redneck?
[Kick his sister in the jaw.](/spoiler)

How do you make a gay man fuck a woman?
[Shit in her cunt.](/spoiler) - Jimmy Carr

Now a long one!

A huge bomb kills everyone in a large city. Three guys who were killed are waiting to get into heaven. The first guy goes up to the gates and St. Peter asks him, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The guy responds, "Never even once. We had a happy marriage." St. Peter says, "For your faithfulness to your wife you will drive around heaven in a Bentley." The next dead guy goes up to Peter and says "Well, I cheated on my wife only one time..." Peter responds, "Then you will drive around heaven in a Honda Civic." The third guy says "Peter, I've been bad. I cheated on my wife six or seven times." Peter told him "Then I will give you a beat up 1995 Honda."
The three guys are rolling around heaven in their cars, and they see the first guy, who never cheated on his wife, crying in his Bentley. "What's wrong?" asks the second guy. "I just saw my wife," says the first guy. "So what?" ["She was riding a skateboard."](/spoiler)


What Africa Really needs

If only Africa had more mosquito nets

Then every year we could save millions

Of mosquitos from dying needless from aids

\- Jimmy Carr


I recently wrote a book about poltergeists....

They're flying off the shelves!!!

(Credit goes to jimmy Carr on that one)


I'll tell you what I know about dwarfs!

Very Little

Courtesy of Jimmy Carr


I went to donate a kidney once..

I went in to donate a kidney once
but when I arrived at the hospital they asked me where I'd got it from

-Jimmy Carr


I was in a relationship with a blind girl...

It was hard because it took me so long to get her husband's voice just right.

^by ^Jimmy ^Carr


Monkey at the bar

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey following him and hops up on the bar stool, followed by his monkey. He orders a drink for him and the monkey, and the monkey reaches over for the basket of peanuts. Monkey picks up a peanut, looks at it intently, sticks it up his butt, takes it out and eats it.

The bartender looks at the monkey, horrified at what it just did, and then to the man who showed no reaction at all. The bartender shrugs it off.

A little while passes and the guy goes to the candy machine and comes big with a handful of jelly beans for the monkey. The monkey takes each one, carefully inspects it, sticks it up his butt, removes it, then eats it. Finally the bartender looks at the guy and say 'Alright you've got to tell me what's wrong with him.' The man responds, 'He swallowed a cue ball last week and now he's making sure everything he eats will fit.'

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says 'Amazing! Where did you get that?!' The parrot responds 'Africa!'

The worst thing about being told you have Alzheimer's is it doesn't just happen once. (Courtesy of Jimmy Carr)

What do you call a 3-legged donkey? Glue. (Jimmy Carr)


[NSFW] Very offensive: How do you make a gay man have sex with a lady?

Shit in her cunt.

* Source behind it: I was working on a British TV quiz show when comedian Jimmy Carr asked us, the staff, to run through his jokes to make sure that they were okay for airing. This was not one that we approved.


How can you tell if a girl is too young for you?

You need to make the airplane sound to put your cock in her mouth.

(From one of my favorite stand-ups, Jimmy Carr!)


I have no problems with buying tampons...

I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present.

(Jimmy Carr)


if men fall asleep directly after sex . . .

why is it so hard to catch a rapist?

-Jimmy Carr

p.s. never high five a rabbi


The best way to get a girls attention is to compliment her

as in "wow you're a fast runner, you almost got away"

Joke by: Jimmy Carr


Spaghetti is the term I believe...

With women, their sexuality can be a mood thing, can't it?
Spaghetti is the term I believe.

**Straight until wet**

(This is one of Jimmy Carr's jokes but I laughed a lot so I thought I'd share it.)


I saw a transvestite wearing a mini skirt, and I thought....

That shows a lot of balls.

Credit to Jimmy Carr


Does anyone know any good rape jokes?

Jimmy Carr, "What do nine out of 10 people enjoy? / Gang rape.")


Adolf Hitler has been judged very harshly by history however..

he did kill Hitler.
NB: stolen from Jimmy Carr


My favourite two word joke.




( •_•)>⌐■-■





[By Jimmy Carr]


I don't understand why someone would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that you might get 72 virgins when you die...

Become a catholic priest and get them now!

^by ^Jimmy ^Carr


When comedian Jimmy Carr was told by an obese women "I think you're fatist," he responded, "No. I think you're fattest."


It's very easy to distract a fat person....

....it's a piece of cake!!!

Source: Jimmy Carr


When a man sleeps with a lot of women....

....he's called a stud. When a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she's called your mum.

-Another gem by Jimmy Carr


People say there is power in numbers.

Say that to 6 million jews.
-Jimmy carr


They say there's strength in numbers.

Tell that to 6 million jews.
- Jimmy Carr


Did you know that 8 out of 10 women kiss with their eyes closed

That's why it's so hard to identify the rapist. - Jimmy Carr.


I met a Cute Sexy girl online...uninhibited

Yeah she was paraplegic

(Jimmy Carr)


What are the most funny Jimmy Carr jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Jimmy Carr? Well, here are the best Jimmy Carr dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Jimmy Carr pick up lines to share with friends.

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