Jim Jokes
132 jim jokes and hilarious jim puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about jim that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
- Short Jim Jokes
- Jim One Liners
- Jim Morrison Jokes
- Jim Carrey Jokes
- Jim Henson Jokes
- Slim Jim Jokes
- More Jim Jokes
Funniest Jim Short Jokes
Short jim jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jim humour may include short sandy jokes also.
- I started calling my toilet the "Jim"... instead of the John.
It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning. - My dad's joke was you know, I was named after Abraham Lincoln. (person is confused since his name was Jim.) He then responds, We'll, I wasn't named before him!
- My friend started calling the toilet the Jim instead of the John He said it sounds better when he tell people he goes to the Jim everyday.
- My Bathroom I've decided to call my bathroom the Jim instead of the John.
It sounds better when I tell folks I go to the Jim every morning.
- I think John is having an affair with my wife Kevin: I think John is having an affair with my wife.
Jim: What makes you think that?
Kevin: He is so miserable lately.. - What's the difference between Jim Jones and Donald Trump? Trump would've charged for the kool-aid.
- Did you know that Jim Carrey lost the use of his left hand for a month in 1997? He was all righty then.
- People wonder why I call my toilet "the Jim" instead of "the John" I do it so I can say "I go to the Jim first thing every morning"
- I decided to stop calling the bathroom 'John' and renamed it 'Jim'. I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning
- Why aren't there many jokes about the Jim Jones massacre? There would have been, but the punch line was too long...
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Jim One Liners
Which jim one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jim? I can suggest the ones about john and tom.
- Do you wanna hear a joke about Jim Jones? Oh, never mind. The punch line is too long.
- Why are there no Jim Jones jokes? The punchlines are too long.
- Why did Jim buy his friend a space heater? It was a housewarming gift!
- So..I just broke up with Jim. We were just not working out.
- Why are Jim Jones jokes still funny? The punchline kills.
- What is the weakest vegetable? My brother Jim
- What do you call a guy who works out regularly? Jim.
- Why did Jim Morrison cross the road? To break on through to the other side
- How did Jim start losing weight after the holidays? He just quit eating cold turkey.
- Why are there no Reverend Jim Jones jokes? The punchlines are too long.
- Why is Jim Jones the best boxer? He took out 918 people with one punch.
- What is the most ironic name for a fat man? Jim
- What do you call a guy that works out a lot? Jim
- Jokes about Jim Jones are hilarious But always have the worst punchlines.
- The best part about Jim Jones jokes Is that theres always two punchlines
Jim Morrison Jokes
Here is a list of funny jim morrison jokes and even better jim morrison puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A dad and his son get into a big argument one day DAD: Go to your room right now
SON: *storms off* JIM MORRISON WASN'T EVEN A GOOD VOCALIST
DAD: What have I told you about slamming The Doors! - Dad: "Go to your room now!" Child: *storms off* "Jim Morrison was overrated!"
Dad: "What did I tell you about slamming the Doors?!" - Did you hear about the time Jim Morrison and 2 of his band-mates collapsed on stage? Then they sounded just like 3 Doors Down.
- What is Jim Morrison's favorite time? Five to one.
- What's the difference between Amy Winehouse, Janice Joplin, Jim Morrison, and a bottle of scotch? (OC) A bottle of scotch can keep beyond 27 years.
- Why was the Jim Morrison fan upset? Because they thought The Doors were opening at 8.
- How did Jim Morrison get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? The Doors
- I think Jim Morrison was gay. He'd call himself a back door man.
- Why did Jim Morrison overdose on drugs? To get to the other side.
- An insolent teenager stomps off to her room... Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON s**...!"
Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"
Jim Carrey Jokes
Here is a list of funny jim carrey jokes and even better jim carrey puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear that Jim Carrey lost his left arm in a horrific accident? I guess that makes him all-righty then.
- I refuse to play poker with my friend because he has a tattoo of Jim Carrey from 1994 on his forearm. He's always got an ace up his sleeve.
- Tonight I'm planning to watch the movie where Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels play two math students Numb and Number
- My girlfriend told me she enjoys celebrity impressions in bed, tonight I tried Jim Carrey Apparentley "Like a glove" is crossing the line
- What do Jim Carrey and Bane have in common? No one cared who they were 'til they put on the mask.
- If I was Jim Carrey I wouldn't have "RIP" on my gravestone. I'd have: "Take care now, bye bye then!"
- Two cannibals are eating Jim Carrey "How'd we manage to kill him?"
"Is that suppose to be some kind of riddle?" - Doctor: "I'm afraid it's cancer". Patient: "Yeah, I'm gonna need to get a second opinion from Jim Carrey."
- Why does Jim Carrey only drink Dr. Pepper? Because the number 23
- Imagine if Jim Carrey played a really serious h**... in a WWII film. It would be Hitlarious!
Jim Henson Jokes
Here is a list of funny jim henson jokes and even better jim henson puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Kermit the Frog has been really rude ever since Jim Henson's death. He doesn't talk to anyone.
- What did kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's f**...? Nothing
- My uncle worked in Hollywood and told me how sad it was at Jim Henson's f**.... Kermit was speechless.
- What did Kermit say at Jim Henson's f**...? Nothing!
- Kermit is so disrespectful He didn't even say a thing at Jim Henson's f**...
- i can't believe the latest celebrity s**... scandal involving jim henson... apparently he was f**... his co workers for years and everyone just watched!
- How did Jim Henson die? He Kermitted s**...
Slim Jim Jokes
Here is a list of funny slim jim jokes and even better slim jim puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I remember when I was a kid I could go to a store with a dollar and get two big bags of chips, a 2 liter of Sprite, 6 bags of Skittles and 6 Slim Jims. Nowadays they have cameras everywhere inside.
- Gas stations should be ashamed for selling a poisonous product that we over-consume and that pollutes the Earth... Seriously, Slim Jims are terrible.
Unearthly Funniest Jim Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
What funny jokes about jim you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ken jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make jim pranks.
Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."
The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."
Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...
...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"
It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass m**.../s**... of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.
And anyway, the punchline's too long.
I went to a party last night...
..and everyone was watching a movie on the TV. I being introverted, hadn't talked with anyone and was watching movie by myself. When the movie ended, everyone was debating on what to watch next.
I decided to put on the movie I had brought from home. It was pretty funny and had Jim Carrey in it.
Everyone really like it. People started talking to me and thanking me for the movie. No one cared who I was until I put on The Mask.
Jim was lazy, but boy was he clever.
A difficult customer walked into the shop that Jim didn't want to deal with, so he grabbed a mop and pretended to clean up a mess.
The manager came over and asked him what he was doing. After telling him that he was cleaning, the manager said, "It doesn't look messy here."
To which Jim replied, "Why, thank you!"
My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin
I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"
He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."
(True story)
A boy and his father are in an argument
Father: "I've had enough of this! Go to your room and don't come back out until you've thought long and hard about what you've done"
Son: "Fine, I didn't want to be here anyways"
Son: *Stomps up stairs*
Son: *Walks into his room, gently closes the door*
Son: "Jim Morrison s**...!"
Father: "What did I tell you about slamming The Doors!?"
Doctor's visit
Doctor: It's bad news, Jim.
Jim: What is it, doc?
Doctor: You have to stop m**....
Jim: Oh god...why?
Doctor: Because I'm talking to you.
A son and his Dad have an intense argument and the son storms off, furious.
Before he gets out of earshot of his father, he yells "Jim Morrison was a terrible singer and an uninspired artist who never did anything worthwhile".
His father cannot believe this insolence, and screams at the top of his lungs "As long as you live in this house, you will never, EVER SLAM THE DOORS"
Two scientists, Jim and Dave, walk into a bar...
... Jim asks for a H20.
Dave asks why he ordered it like that, and Jim says that they're scientists and so should present themselves as such.
Dave replies "whatever, I'll have a water too".
Jim watches the bartender get Dave's drink, angry that his assassination attempt failed.
A dad sends his son to his room
"Go to your room!" Dad exclaimed, frustrated at his son's behavior.
"Jim Morrison is overrated!" yelled the son as he stormed down the hall.
The dad yelled furiously, "What did I tell you about slamming The Doors?!"
A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam.
The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!" The drunk stated," I've been going to those AA Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE THAT FIRST DRINK!!!".
I decided to rename my toilet from "The John" to "The Jim."
I feel much better saying I've been to "The Jim" this morning.
What did Jim Carey say when his typewriter broke?
I'll writey then!
My girlfriend just came up with that on a juice run to the kitchen :\]
Jim: "I gave the postman a big shock today - I went to the door without any clothes on."
Jack: "Surely he has seen stuff like that before."
Jim: "Yes, but what really surprised him was that I knew where he lived."
A dad and his daughter are having an argument...
The daughter gets really frustrated with the situation, and goes to leave the room. When she reaches the doorway, she turns around and blurts out "AND BY THE WAY, JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!".
Her dad yells back "HEY, WHAT'D I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS".
Dad: Go to your room!
Son: Jim Morrison s**...!
Dad: what did I tell you about slamming The Doors?
Why are there so few Jim Jones jokes?
Because the punch line would be too long.
I apologize in advance.
Jim finds a genie in a lamp
The genie says "you have three wishes to make"
Jim instantly says "I wish I were rich!"
The genie responds, "and for your second wish?"
Rich says "I want lots of money"
I renamed my toilet form John to Jim the other day-
-that way, I can tell people that I wake up and go to the Jim every morning.
A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father
The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.
Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"
The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"
An insolent teenager is having an argument with her father
And as she storms off she shouts, "Oh and by the way, Jim Morrison s**...!"
The father looks back and responds, "Hey, there will be no slamming of The Doors in my house."
Discrimination
Three first-graders are flunking their class. The teacher calls them in and tells them: "I will ask you one question each, if you can answer it, you pass."
"Jim, how do you spell 'Cow'?"
"Jack, how do you spell 'Car'?"
"Muhammad, how do you spell 'Racial discrimination'?"
"Tom Jones Syndrome"
A man is in the waiting room at his Doctor's office and finally, the Doc arrives.
"Hello Jim what seems to be the problem today?"
Jim replies "Doc, you've gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'She's a Lady' by Tom Jones!"
The Doc says "oh yes, that is 'Tom Jones Syndrome'"
"Is it common?" Jim asks
"Well it's not unusual"
First post.
Mental Hospital
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
It's Jim's birthday
Jim's wife treats her man by taking him to a s**... Club for his birthday... At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Jimmy, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Jimmy says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jimmy says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Jimmy with her & jumps into a taxi... The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."
I named my toilet "Jim" today
That way it sounds a lot better when I go to the Jim each morning
Never let anyone put you down. Take my mate Jim for example. He was told just because he's deaf he can't play in an orchestra...
But did he listen...
The fishing trip
So four high school friends have gone fishing together every year for the last two decades. That was until this year, when Jim had to inform the group he couldn't make it.
"Look, it's the wife. She's been saying I haven't been spending enough time with her."
Of course, the others were upset but told him they couldn't rearrange all the schedules to make it work out this year, so they stuck to the date.
The morning of trip, the guys are unloading on the dock when Jim comes running up with his stuff.
"What's the deal, Jim?" asked one of the fishermen.
"So I came home from work last night and I found my wife in the bedroom. She was laying down with a spool of rope, some duct tape and a ball-gag, and told me how she's been reading *50 Shades of Grey*. She told me to tie her up and do anything I want. So, uhh, here I am!"
Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over...
Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, Step out of the car says the cop, I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test. I can't , Jim responds You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack. Alright, says the cop, then you're going to have to take a blood test. Can't do that either, Jim responds, I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death. Ok, the cop answers then I will need a u**... sample. Sorry, says Jim I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low. Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me. Can't do that either responds Jim. Why not? Demanded the exasperated cop. Well, because I'm drunk!
75 story hotel
Phil, Jim, and John were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a . After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear the elevators were broken, and they now had to climb 75 flights of stairs.
Phil said to Jim and John,"let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something more interesting. Hmm, I'll tell jokes the first 25 floors, Jim, you can sing songs the next 25 floors and John you can say your collection of sad stories."
The others agreed and they started the climb for their hotel room. At the 26th floor Phil stopped with his jokes and Jim started his songs. At the 51st floor songs stopped and John's sad stories started.
"I guess I'll begin with my saddest story first. I forgot the room key in the car."
(EDIT) FIXED THE GRAMMAR d**...
Jim and his s**... life...
A man named Jim has been married to his beautiful wife for 15 years. They have two wonderful kids, a dog and a nice home.
You see, Jim works really hard at his job, but lately his s**... life has suffered because of it.
Jim goes to his doctor to ask why he is so tired all the time.
Jim says to his doc "you know, I work 16 hour days and when I come home I just have no time to be intimate with my wife. I have no energy! What do I do!"
His doctor replies "Okay Jim I can see you're a little bit overweight so maybe you need some exercise to increase that stamina. Every day for 30 days I want you to walk a mile. I'll phone you after 30 days"
So Jim starts walking that day. He walks one mile every day, hoping this will help.
On the 30th day his doctor phones.
Doc: "Jim! Did you do what I told you?"
Jim: "Yeah I did doc."
Doc: "Well how's your s**... life? Did it improve?"
Jim: "I wouldn't know. I'm 30 miles from home!"
Told to me by my grandmother
Kids are like smoking cigarettes.
I love them for about 5 minutes a day, until I realize that they are slowly killing me.
Jim Jefferies
Jim was out shopping with his young daughter and ran into an old college classmate.
"This is Beth," Jim said proudly, introducing his kid.
"And what's Beth short for?" The friend asked.
Puzzled, he replied,"Because she's only three!
jim
I've decided to no longer refer to the bathroom as "the john". Instead I will call it "the jim". That way, I can say in all honesty that I went to the jim this morning.
Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam walk into a bar
What is this, said the bartender, Alcoholics Eponymous?
"I hear you just got married again."
Jim: "Joe, I hear you just got married again."
Joe: "Yes, for the fourth time."
Jim: "What happened to your first three wives?"
Joe: "They all died, Jim."
Jim: "How did that happen?"
Joe: "My first wife ate poison mushrooms."
Jim: "How terrible! And your second?"
Joe: "She ate poison mushrooms."
Jim: "And your third ate poison mushrooms too?"
Joe: "Oh, no. She died of blunt head trauma."
Jim: "I see, an accident."
Joe: "Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."
Monster under the bed
Jim hears his son call his name, so he walks in his sons room. Jim's son, Howard says with a tremble in his voice, "Dad, there's a monster under my bed." Jim unconvinced walks to his son's bed and looks underneath. There he sees his son crying and startled as he whispers, "Dad, there's a monster sleeping in my bed." Jim falls backwards from the shock and comes to a sence of relief when he realised that he had forgotten that he had twins.
Jim and Joe are sitting at a bar drinking and jim asks where is John? Joe says John is missing . What happened asks Jim . Well joe says
John forgot his wedding anniversary again. His wife flew into a fit of rage, walked out to the driveway pointed to the ground and said., I want a present that goes from 0 to 200 really fast and I want it here by tomorrow morning.
Fine says Jim but that doesn't explain where John is.
Well continued Joe they next morning his wife woke up walked out side and saw a big box with a ribbon so she opened it and saw a new set of bathroom scales and John hasn't been seen since
Bacon tree
Two soldiers are sat on top of a hill looking for targets. One says to the other
"Hey bob, is that...is that a bacon tree?"
"I don't know Jim, go have a look while I stay here and cover our backs"
Jim goes for a closer look and Bob stays on the hill eating his lunch. After a while Jim returns with about ten arrows in his chest.
"My god what happened? Was it a bacon tree?"
"No Bob, turned out to be a ham bush"
I decided to call my bathroom Jim instead of John
So I feel better by saying "I went to the Jim this morning"
Why did the duck cross the basketball court?
He heard the referees were blowing fouls...
-Jim Norton
Jack and Jim are on sentry duty during the first World War, when Jim says, "You know how we're on a bonus of a dollar for every German we capture?"
"Yes," says Jack. "Well don't tell anyone," says Jim, "but there's $5000 worth coming over that hill."
A Sentimental Robber
A robber goes into a house to, well, rob the place. There he finds a man and his wife. He goes to the woman and says, "I will have to kill you. What's your name?" She replies, "E...E...Elizabeth." "I can't kill you, that's my grandmothers name!" said the robber. He looks at the man and asks for his name. The man replies, "Jim, but uhhh most people call me **Elizabeth**."
Why don't people ever make jokes about the Reverend Jim Jones?
The punch line is too long.
Some people call the men's room "the john"...
I call it "the jim". That way, I can tell people I go to the jim every day.
Thank you for listening to my TED Talk.
I got into a fight with my father when I told him Jim Morrison wasn't talented.
He forced me to go to my room. I slammed my door behind me, and my dad said, "Don't you ever slam The Doors in my house again!"
Jim and Sarah were driving around the countryside
when they ran over a skunk. "We better take the skunk to the vet, Sarah. Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm." "But, Jim, what about the smell?" "Don't worry, the skunk will get used to it."
I told my son I was named after Socrates, but he didn't believe me because my name is Jim...
Well, I wasn't named before Socrates!
I'm your Birthday Present
It was Jim's 75th Birthday, his friends decided to give him a h**... for his Birthday.
The h**... went to his house and knocks on the door. Jim answers, she says "Hi I'm your birthday present!"
A little startled, he asks "What am I supposed to do with you?"
"I'm yours for supersex" she answers.
Jim replies "Well, I'm 75 years old, so I'll just have the soup."
City s**...
Joe Ed and Jim Bob met up with a city gal who was lookin for a good time. She ask if they wanted to have s**.... Both said they did. She gave each of them a c**... and told them to put it on their shaft and keep it on or she'd get pregnant. Both boys agreed and proceeded to have s**... with her. Next day Jim Bob said Joe Ed, I really don't care if she does get pregnant, let's take these things off and have a good p**....
Kara and Jim are two high school misfits...
...Kara has a wooden eye, while Jim has a peg leg. The big dance was coming up, so Kara goes up to Jim and asks him if he would like to accompany her to the dance.
Very excited, Jim exclaims, "OH WOULD I!!!"
Kara then runs away screaming, "PEG LEG!!!!!!"
Who's the greatest boxer of all time?
Jim Jones, he knocked out 900 people with one punch.
It's nice to see that celebrities have taken up book writing during the pandemic
One Direction by Kanye West
Guitars by Mel Gibson
Mining by Brad Pitt
Pear Cider by Katy Perry
Ship Building by Tom Cruise
How to Move Things by Jim Carrey
Escape from Prison by Morgan Freeman
American Motors by Harrison Ford
Wild Animals by Will Ferrell
Instead of the 'John', I call my toilet...
Instead of the 'John', I call my toilet the 'Jim'. That way it sounds more impressive when I say, "I go to the Jim first thing every morning".
After doing 50 years each in the penitentiary, Jim and Joe were finally free.
The first thing they did was head straight to a brothel. The madam noticing that both men were really old and half blind decided she would just pair them each with a blow up doll and hope they wouldn't notice.
After it all went down, the first man tells the other... "I got a bad one Joe, she basically just laid there", to which he replied "better than me, I just poked her and she f**... and flew out the window".
Who was the best boxer of all time?
Jim Jones, I heard he took out 909 people with one punch.
