Jews Telling Jokes
78 jews telling jokes and hilarious jews telling puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about jews telling that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Jews Telling Short Jokes
Short jews telling jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jews telling humour may include short jewish people jokes also.
- A Jew goes to heaven... And tells God a Holocaust joke.
God said, "I don't think that's very funny."
To which he replied, "Hm. I guess you had to be there" - A wise man once said, "There is safety in numbers". Yeah?! Well, tell that one to six million Jews!
- Jews are supposed to be funny. Except I am Half Jewish. So for every two jokes I tell, people laugh at one.
- How do you get 20 Jews in a car? Throw a dollar in!
How do you get them out?
Tell them it's a taxi! - I've got two right here for ya Who are the easiest kids to pick on?
Orphans. Who are they going to tell, their parents?
Jews should feel lucky. They got their grandparents cremated for free! - Dont tell this to a Jew... My grandfather died in Aushwitz... He fell off a guard tower...
- How do you confuse a jew? Put him in a circular room and tell him there's a quarter in the corner
- What do you tell a Jew with a tattoo? Nothing, you already told his grandparents 6 million times
- Why did the Jew cross the road? He says he'll tell you if you give him 10 bucks.
- Why did the Jew cross the road? I'll tell you if you give me gold.
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Jews Telling One Liners
Which jews telling one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jews telling? I can suggest the ones about old people telling and old jewish.
- They say there's safety in numbers... Tell that to 6 million Jews
- How do you tell a crazy Jew that it's all in his head? "It's psychosemitic"
- How do you confuse a Jew? Tell him pork is on sale!!!
- They say strength comes in numbers Tell that to six million Jews.
- They say there's strength in numbers. Tell that to 6 million jews.
- Jimmy Carr - I heard there are strength in numbers... Try telling that to 6,000,000 Jews
- You can easily tell that the jews didn't like Auswitzsch They all gave only one star.
- How do you circumcise a jew from Alabama? Tell his sister to bite down.
- Quickest way to offend a Jew you tell them Noweh!
- There are some jews in my loft.. I should really tell them ww2 is over now!
- Think there's strength in numbers? Try telling that to six million Jews.
- How many jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb Give me a dollar and ill tell you
- How can you tell who's the Polish Jew at The Wailing Wall? He's the guy with the harpoon.
- How do you get a jew out of his car? Tell him it runs on gas
- How do you tell apart a Jew and an Italian?
Cheerful Fun Jews Telling Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about jews telling you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jewish rabbi jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make jews telling pranks.
Romans...
I was in Italy the other week. And I remembered, my mother would always tell me, when in Rome, do as the Romans do. So I figured I'd take the advice; I thought it was a good idea.
Not too many others did though, when I nailed a Jew to a cross and threw stones at him.
The genie
Three guys, a Canadian, o**... Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
o**... Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (a former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam then said, "Fill it with water"
In line at Heaven's Gate.
A Lutheran, Muslim, and a Jew die in a car wreck together and end up in line at the Gate to Heaven together.
The Lutheran walks up and Saint Peter asks his religion and then checks his books and says, "Lutherans: room 11, but be very quiet going past room 4."
The Muslim walks up and Saint Peter tells him, "Muslims: room 8, but be very quiet when you pass room 4."
The Jew steps up and is told to go to room 6 and to be quiet passing room 4. Curious, he asked Saint Peter why everyone has to be quiet passing room 4?
Saint Peter says, "Room 4 is Catholics, they think they are the only ones here."
What do you tell a jew to shut up?
Sssshhhhhh
Two women are sitting on a park bench
Two women are sitting on a park bench. One says to the other, "Oh, no, tonight's date night".
Her friend says, "What's wrong with that? Date night sounds nice."
The lady replies, "No, it's awful. Every date night my husband brings me flowers."
Her friend is confused and asks, "What's wrong with flowers?"
The woman says, "Well, every time my husband brings home flowers, I have to...lie on my back and spread my legs."
Her friend cries, "Oh my goodness! Don't you own a vase?!"
(from Old Jews Telling Jokes)
Why is everyone picking on Jews?
A comedian was going into his favourite joke, "One day, Moskowitz and Finkelstein were going to..." when a heckler from the audience interrupted.
"Moskowitz and Finkelstein! why does it always have to be two Jews? Can't you tell a joke with any other nationalities involved!? Why don't you make them Chinese for a change?"
The comedian rejoined, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend. How about this: One day, Lee h**... and Mao Chen were on their way to the synagogue to attend the bar mitzvah of Lee h**...'s nephew..."
The Jew at Confession
One day, a Jewish shoemaker walked in to a Catholic Confession and sat down. The priest asked, "Son, what sin has brought you here?" The Jewish man told the priest the story of how a beautiful nineteen year old woman had walked into his shoe shop. They struck up a conversation and ended up having s**... for hours. At the end of the Jewish man's story, the priest, curious, asked the man, "Wait, aren't you Jewish?" The man affirmed the priest's question with a brief yes. The priest, confused at this point, asks the Jew what he is doing confessing to a Catholic priest. The Jew responds quickly, "I'm not confessing! I'm telling everyone I see!"
An angel goes to give humanity the Commandments.
The angel goes to the French and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The French ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shall not commit adultery." The French tell the angel they aren't interested.
The angel goes to the Germans and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The Germans ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shalt not kill." The Germans tell the angel they aren't interested.
The angel goes to the Italians and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The Italians ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shall not steal." The Italians tell the angel they aren't interested.
Desperate, the angel goes to the Jews and says, "Please. I'm trying to get rid of these Commandments. Would you like them?" The Jews ask how much they are and the angel replies, "Absolutely free!" to which the Jews reply "We'll take 10!"
A guy walks into a bar...
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. As he is sitting there he catches sight of the guy sitting next to him and notices the man looks exactly like Adolf h**.... The man ignores this at first and quietly drinks his beer.
After some time his curiosity gets the better of him, so he turns to the man and says, "Has anyone ever told you that you look just like h**...?"
To the guy's surprise, the man turns right to him and says in a thick German accent, "That is because I am h**...."
The guy just laughs this off and takes another drink, but the stranger keeps his serious expression and says, "It is true, I am h**.... The allies thought I killed myself, but I escaped and moved here to lie low."
The guy is understandably stunned, so putting his drink down he asks h**..., "If it's true, and you're h**..., then you're the most hated man alive--you killed six million Jews!"
"Well yes," says h**..., "but nobody cares about the Jews anyway."
They argue for a while after that about whether anyone cares about the Jews, before h**... finally says, "Tell you what. I'll prove to you right now that no one cares about the Jews. I will go around the world right now, round up six million more Jews, and kill every single one of them. Then I will find one clown, and I will kill him too."
Puzzled, the man asks, "Well what would you kill the clown for?"
Then h**... points at him and says, "See? You didn't care about the Jews either!"
A Canadian, Iraqi and an Israeli
**** A Canadian, Iraqi and an Israeli ****
Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels, Chri$tians or Jews, can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq.
Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out." Izzy says, "Fill it up with water"
h**... and Stalin walk together in the afterlife
... they stop next two people and h**... tells Stalin: "Let me tell you of my plan: I am going to kill six million Jews and a mechanic.
one of the two people hear this and asks h**... "Why kill the mechanic?"
h**... turns to Stalin and says: "see? I told you nobody cares about the Jews"
h**... and the Jew
My grandfather gave me this book when I was younger, It is called The Book of Jewish Humor (or something similar). Here is one of my favorite jokes:
--------------------------------------------------------
During WW2, in Germany, a Jewish man was walking down the street. As ordered by the n**...'s, he was forced to wear a star on his lapel, to signify that he was a Jew.
Meanwhile, h**... had recently bought a new Mercedes, and was cruising around in his sleek new car. As he went down the street he decided to put his new car through its paces, and pushed the pedal to the floor. He was going faster than any other car on the road, and his protection detail had given up trying to follow him. All of a sudden, his car hit a puddle, and h**... lost control. As he careened off the road, he narrowly missed hitting the Jewish man, and instead ran into a building.
The Jewish man, seeing the car c**... ran to the scene, and quickly freed h**..., who had been trapped under his car. The instant he saw who it was, he gasped, and took a step back.
h**..., seeing the man who rescued him quickly went over and said
"Thank you so much for saving my life! I don't care if you are a Jew, you have rescued me and can have anything that you want, just name it!"
The man thought for a little while, and after a long pause said "Please, don't tell anyone..."
All anti-semites
Young Isaac knocks on his boss's door.
Boss: "come in!, yes Isaac what can i do for you?"
Isaac: "I can't work here anymore! I quit! Everyone who work here is anti-semite!"
Boss: "What? What are you talking about? I guess there might be one or two, but everyone? come on, it's ridiculous!"
Isaac " I am telling you! They are! I asked all of them one question, and they all gave me the same answer."
Boss: "But... what was that question?"
Isaac: " I asked waht would they think if we exterminate all the jews and all the hairdressers"
Boss: "Hairdressers? Why the hairdressers?"
Isaac: "See? You're all the same"
A black man, an italian and a Jew are at a hospital.
They are all waiting for their wives in the delivery room.
The doctor comes out and tells them that they accidentally got the 3 babies mixed up and that the three men will have to go in and decide which one is theirs.
The Italian man immediately says "I'll go in first," and rushes into the delivery room. He comes out with a black baby.
The black man stands up and says "Now I KNOW that's my baby." The Italian man responds "There's a chance that either of those other babies could be Jewish and I'm not taking that chance."
A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door.
Jew: "Can I help you?"
Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"
Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."
Witness: "No way?!"
Jew: "Yahweh."
A Jew is on his deathbed.
Summoning his last strength, he says: "Is my wife Sarah here with me?" And she says "Yes, I am here." He then says :"Are my children here with me?" And they reply "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And he smiles and says:"Is my father and siblings here with me?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the Jew lays quietly for a while and replies "Then who is the light on for in the kitchen?"
How can you tell a Jew from an Irishman?
The tone with which they discuss IRA policies.
h**...
h**... sits by a cliff. Calls a jew over and tells him to extend his arms in forward, and then throws him over. He then calls another jew and tells him to extend his arms upward, and again he throws him off the cliff. Then a guard asks him: "Hitlar, vat arr yu duing?" and h**... says: "I'm playing Tetris"
A Jew (Bill Goldstein) runs into his Muslim friend(Mohammed Islam)....
The Jew says, "Halal, halal are you going?"
The Muslim replies, "I'm not jewing too well."
(Yes, I made this joke up all by myself as you can clearly tell)
How to tell the difference between Jews, Baptists, and Protestants
Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the head of the Church
-
Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Messiah
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Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.
An American, a German, a Jew and a Chinese guy were walking through the woods...
A caterpillar falls on the American. The American throws it to the German, the German throws it to the Jew and the Jew throws it to the Chinese guy, who eats it. They walk a bit more and another caterpillar falls on the American. He throws to it the German, the German throws it to the Jew. The Jew turns the Chinese guy and tells him - "hey man, wanna buy a caterpillar?"
Two Jews walking down the street
Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.
**CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM
GET $50!**
"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"
"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It could be a scam, tell you what, I will go and do it, we'll see if this deal is real."
Aaron goes into the cathedral and David waits outside.
Finally, after an hour passes, Aaron comes out of the cathedral.
"So? Was it a scam? Did you get the $50??," asks David.
Aaron replies, "Is it always about the money with you people?"
A men goes to a priest...
-Father, I am a sinner...-
-So, what you've dove?-
-I hid a jew in my basement during the second world war.-
-But this one isn't a sin, it's a very honorable thing.-
-I made him pay 300 pounds a month-
-Well, those are a lot of money but you saved him so you can go and may God be with you.-
-Ok then but... should i tell him that the war is over?-
So my friend tells me "The holocaust wasn't that bad."
I say "Of course it was!"
He replies "I'm going to go out and kill a million Jews and one clown."
I say "Why the clown?"
He says "See, no one cares about the Jews."
Old jews telling jokes
Two old Jews Shmuel and Moshe are walking down the street and see a sign outside of a church that says:
"Jews, come let us save your soul! Convert and we will give you $50!"
Shmuel and Moshe look at each other, amused by such mishegas, and plot that Moshe should go in, listen to their schtick, and then they can share the money. Shmuel waits for much longer than he expected, he is waiting outside for hours. At last, Moshe comes out and Shmuel says:
"Finally! I at least hope you got the $50 after all that."
Moshe says, "What *is* it about you people and money?"
Multijokes: How many Jews can you fit in a family car.
Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray.
Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened.
Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eight hiding under the roof-rack.
Efficient Answ**e**r: Not enough, we'll need to use trains.
Anti-Joke Answ**e**r: Please tell me, myself and some Jewish friends are going to Florida but ~~cannot afford~~ are too-cheap for plane tickets.
Racist Answ**e**r: Throw a dollar in there and they'll all get in.
An old Jewish man walked in to a hotel...
and asked to rent a room. The clerk said, "Sorry, no vacancies." The man pointed at a couple who were checking out and asked, "What about their room?"
"Sorry," the clerk said, "this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."
The old man, looking to have a little fun, said "What makes you think I'm a Jew? I'm actually Catholic."
The clerk says, "Catholic, eh? Tell me then, did God have a son?"
"Sure," the old Jew says, "Name of Jesus."
"And where was He born?"
"In Bethlehem, in a manger."
"And why was He born in a manger?" pressed the clerk.
"Because a s**... like you wouldn't rent him a room!"
Donald Trump, a Black man and a Jew are sitting in a hospital...
their wives all gave birth to healthy babies around the same time and are now resting. The three men are sitting in a room nearby when a nurse comes in and tells them there has been a mix-up, a nurse forgot to put identifying bracelets on the babies before taking them for a medical exam and now they don't know which baby is which.
She asks them if they could help identify their babies and the Jew goes first. One minute later, he steps out of the nursery holding a black baby, the Black man gets up and says ''Hey man, I'm pretty sure that one's mine'' to which the Jew replies ''One of those babies is a Trump, and I'm not taking any chances!''
A man walks into a bar and sees h**... and Stalin.
A man walks into a bar and sees h**... and Stalin at a table. He asks them what they were doing and was told that they were planning WW3.
h**... says, "We are going to kill 15 million jews, and a bicycle repairman."
The man, confused asks, "Why the bicycle repairman?"
h**... turns to Stalin and tells him, "See? I told you no one would care about the 15 million Jews!"
Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor
A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".
My Jewish Grandmother's favorite Holocaust joke
It's Winter of 1942 and the German SS is in full extermination mode when a new train of Jews comes into the camp. Immediately the Train Conductor goes to the general and tells the general.
"These are the toughest Jews I have ever seen, General."
The general nods. "Then we will take no chances and immediately send them to the crematorium."
The Jews from the train are herded into the crematorium rooms and locked in for three days while the fires rage on. The general comes back to see the fruits of their labor, the toughest Jews burned to ashes. But when he opens the door...
"What are you doing?! You're going to let all the warm air out?!"
Rabbi Dies and Goes to Heaven
An old Rabbi dies and goes to heaven.
God meets him at the pearly gates, and says,
Schlomo - you've been a good Jew. Your ticket to heaven will be easy. All you need to do is tell me a joke.
Schlomo thinks this is such a great opportunity. So, he tells God a long, drawn out joke about h**... and all the Jews he killed in the holocaust.
Even though he's all knowing, God says, I don't get it.
Schlomo says, I guess you should have been there.
If you are easily offended don't look at this.
Do you want to know h**... 100 jews? Throw a quarter off a cliff. Want to know h**... 100 more? Tell em no one caught it.
My jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke
A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".
Two Jews, Moishe and Abram, are arguing.
Moishe: Black is a color
Abram: No it is not.
Moishe: I'm telling you, black is a color.
Abram: No, it's not.
They go to the rabbi.
Moishe: Rebbe, is black a color?
Rabbi: Yes, Moshe, black is indeed a color.
Moshe: See, Abram, I told you.
Abram: Okay, but white is not a color,
Moishe: Yes it is.
Abram: No, it is not.
Moishe: Rebbe, is white a color?
Rabbi: Yes, Moishe, white is indeed a color.
Moishe: See, I told you I sold you a color TV.
An old Jew is on his deathbed.
A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."
He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."
And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here.
So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"
Holocaust Joke
An old Jew dies and goes to Heaven.
He asks if God wants to hear a holocaust joke.
God agrees and the man tells the joke.
God says, "That wasn't funny. It was offensive."
The Jew pauses and replies "I guess you had to be there."
Equally Logical - Jewish parable from 1948
A group of n**... surrounded an elderly Berlin Jew and demanded of him, "Tell us Jew, who caused the war?"
The little Jew was no fool. "The Jews," he said, then added, "and the bicycle riders."
The n**... were puzzled. "Why the bicycle riders?"
"Why the Jews?" answered the little old man.
An elderly Jew bolts into a church confessional
St Patrick's Cathedral. He pulls the curtain and says , Father. My name is Saul Hershkowitz. I'm 73 years old and I've been with a 22 year old girl. The priest says Saul, wait a minute. You're Jewish. Why are you telling me this? And the man says Hey Father, I'm telling everybody
