Jews Jokes

What are some Jews jokes?

Why do Jews get Circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

What makes Hitler better than Jesus?

Jesus could only feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. Hitler made 6,000,000 Jews toast.

Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?

osMoses

Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

The Jews may be the "Chosen People"...

... But the Muslims are the "Randomly Selected".

I'm starting to think this country really is run by Jews

But it's still only my first week in Israel.

Boy wants a car from his Dad

the Dad says, "first you gotta cut that hair."


Boy says, "but Dad, Jesus had long hair"


and Dad says
"that's right son, and Jesus walked everywhere"

(credit goes to the band The Silver Jews)

"Dad, why are there no jews on jupiter?"

"Because its a gas planet son"

Why do jews get their penises circumcised?

Because Jewish girls won't touch anything that's not 10% off

Hitler dies and God calls him

After Hitler dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks "if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos".

God promptly asks "Why the Eskimos?".

"See, not even you care about Jews!"

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin.

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin at a table. He asks them what they were doing and was told that they were planning WW3.
Hitler says, "We are going to kill 15 million jews, and a bicycle repairman."
The man, confused asks, "Why the bicycle repairman?"
Hitler turns to Stalin and tells him, "See? I told you no one would care about the 15 million Jews!"

When do Jews go swimming?

When it Israeli hot

What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews?

The way they traveled through the chimney.

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin...

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin sitting at a table. He walks up to them and asks what they are doing. Hitler says were planning WW3. The man asks what's going to happen this time. Hitler says this time were going to kill 15 million Jews and a bicycle repair man. The man asks why a bicycle repair man. Hitler turns to Stalin and says see I told you know one would care about the 15 million Jews.

Two Jews were arguing whether or not white is a color

After arguing for a week they went for an advice to their rabbi
Rabbi looked into an old book and said yes, white is a color.
A week later same Jews were arguing for a week whether black is a color
Went to the same rabbi who said yes, black is also a color
See!!! says one of them, I did sell you a color TV!!!!

What do you call gingers in Auschwitz?

Concentrated Orange Jews

Hitler and Stalin walk together in the afterlife

... they stop next two people and Hitler tells Stalin: "Let me tell you of my plan: I am going to kill six million Jews and a mechanic.

one of the two people hear this and asks Hitler "Why kill the mechanic?"

Hitler turns to Stalin and says: "see? I told you nobody cares about the Jews"

Who had it worse than the Jews in 1941?

The Jews in 1942.

An Atheist...

Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."

The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? Hitler. He made over 60,000 Jews toast."

God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."

The atheist replied, "Eh, I guess you should have been there."

An old Hitler joke

Some time ago, a medium contacted Hitler's spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what Hitler had to say.

"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".

"Why the two dogs?" the medium replied.

"See, nobody cares about the Jews!"

Hitler walked in to a bar...

The bartenders says "whoa, hitler I thought you were dead"

Hitler says "no, just hiding. I'm planning to kill the rest of the Jews and 5 clowns"

The bartender asks "why the clowns?"

Hitler says "see no one cares about Jews"

Why is hitler a better person than Jesus Christ?

Jesus Christ fed 2000 jews with 5 loaves of bread, while hitler made 6 million Jews toast

Jesus fed 2000 Jews fish and bread.

Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

I heard that Fortnite put a limit of three outfits for players in Isreal.

Jews aren't allowed to have four skins.

How five Jews changed the way we see the world:

Moses: "The Law is everything"

Jesus: "Love is everything"

Marx: "Money is everything"

Freud: "Sex is everything"

Einstein: "Everything is relative"

What do Jews throw when they riot?

Mozeltov Cocktails

[Offensive] What do you get when you cross a bowl of fruit and the holocaust?

Orange Jews from concentrate

What's the difference between an orange and the Torah?

One can make acidic juice and the other can make Hasidic Jews

(Just made this up today)

What was Hitler's favorite drink?

Orange jews, 100% concentrated

Boy: Dad how come there are no Jews, Christians or Muslims in Star Trek?

Dad: Cause it's the future son

how do we know that jews crucified Jesus?

they used one nail for both legs

Christians always go on about the time Jesus fed five thousand people with five loaves and two fishes...

What about Hitler? He made 6 million jews toast.

My son thinks the land of the Jews is fake.

I told him it Israel.

What was Adolf Hitler's campaign slogan?

*"Auschwitz the old, in with the Jews!"*

I always feel bad for the kids in africa when I waste water..

And when I leave the oven on, I feel bad for the jews.

Hitler was talking to one of his generals,

Hitler: I want to kill 6 million jews and 5 clowns.

General: Why the 5 clowns?

Hitler: See? Nobody cares about ze jews!

Why aren't Jews easily distracted?

because they've been to concentration camp.

A man walks into a bar and sees a man that looks like Adolph Hitler

sitting at the end of the bar. He walks up to him and asks "are you really Hitler?" The man stands up and says loudly, "Ja, ich bin Adolph Hitler. I killed 6 million Jews and 1 Mexican." The man says, "wait, why did you kill a Mexican?" Hitler says "Sehen Sie! See? That is what i mean, no one cares about the jews."

Why do German shower faucets have 11 holes?

Jews only have 10 fingers.

Hitler says...

"I order the execution of 6 million Jews and 1 clown!"

His officer responds with

"Why the clown?"

To which Hitler replies with

"See! No one cares about the Jews!"

Everyone thinks..

Everyone thinks Jesus is soooo good, feeding an army with 3 loaves of bread and a fish.
Hitler's not such a bad guy, he made 6 million jews toast.

So I saw Hitler walking down the street.

I asked him, "So Hitler,what have you been doing recently?"

He said, " Well you see, this time I'm going to kill six million Jews and two clowns."

So I asked "Why the two clowns?"

He replied "See, no one cares about the jews!"

Here's a joke for you.

Jews don't recognize Jesus. Protestants don't recognize the Pope. Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

This last bit translates into some practical advice. If you go fishing, don't bring a Baptist; he'll drink all the beer. But if you bring two of them, you'll have it all to yourself.

Jesus fed a 100 people bread

Hitler made 6 million jews toast

Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.

After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hysterically.

Upon calming down the other Jew asks his new friend: "remember when that dog chased you for so long that you ended up exhausted and almost died of hunger?" Another second of silence passes and again, they both start laughing like crazy.

God, overhearing the conversation, approaches the old Jewish couple and asks them what's so funny about any of these events.

They both look up and say: "Oh you wouldn't understand, you just had to be there".

Four nuns about to take their vows..

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.

Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother Superior said, "I am so honored you want to share this experience with us. May I ask why you came?"

"We're from the groom's family."

Two Jews walking down the street

Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.

**CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM
GET $50!**

"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"

"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It could be a scam, tell you what, I will go and do it, we'll see if this deal is real."

Aaron goes into the cathedral and David waits outside.

Finally, after an hour passes, Aaron comes out of the cathedral.

"So? Was it a scam? Did you get the $50??," asks David.

Aaron replies, "Is it always about the money with you people?"

A women invites 3 military men to her house

During WW2 many families near military bases would invite service men over to their house for an evening to forget about the war, and to enjoy a home cooked meal. So a women calls the military base and says she would like to invite 3 men over but expresses that they CANNOT be Jews. Absolutely no Jews. The base commander says fine he will send 3 over on Sunday. She agreed and hanged up. On Sunday a jeep drives up and 3 black men got out of the vehicle. The women is in shock and asks the men is this a mistake? Surely this HAS to be a mistake! One of the men replies, "No ma'am, Captain Goldstein never makes a mistake."

My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest)

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.

All anti-semites

Young Isaac knocks on his boss's door.
Boss: "come in!, yes Isaac what can i do for you?"
Isaac: "I can't work here anymore! I quit! Everyone who work here is anti-semite!"
Boss: "What? What are you talking about? I guess there might be one or two, but everyone? come on, it's ridiculous!"
Isaac " I am telling you! They are! I asked all of them one question, and they all gave me the same answer."
Boss: "But... what was that question?"
Isaac: " I asked waht would they think if we exterminate all the jews and all the hairdressers"
Boss: "Hairdressers? Why the hairdressers?"
Isaac: "See? You're all the same"

An old Jewish man walked in to a hotel...

and asked to rent a room. The clerk said, "Sorry, no vacancies." The man pointed at a couple who were checking out and asked, "What about their room?"

"Sorry," the clerk said, "this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."

The old man, looking to have a little fun, said "What makes you think I'm a Jew? I'm actually Catholic."

The clerk says, "Catholic, eh? Tell me then, did God have a son?"

"Sure," the old Jew says, "Name of Jesus."

"And where was He born?"

"In Bethlehem, in a manger."

"And why was He born in a manger?" pressed the clerk.

"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent him a room!"

I'm on the fence about Hitler

On one hand he killed 6 million Jews. On the other hand he did kill Hitler

Hitler in a bar

A.man walks into a bar and sees Hitler there.
He goes up to Hitler and asks "So how many people have you killed?"

Hitler says "I have killed 6 million Jews and 2 clowns "

The man replies "Why did you kill 2 clowns?"

Hitler replies "See nobody cares about the Jews"

Jesus has been living in my heart for years...

...and I still haven't received one rent check!

No wonder they call him king of the Jews...

Multijokes: How many Jews can you fit in a family car.

Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray.

Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened.

Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eight hiding under the roof-rack.

Efficient Answ**e**r: Not enough, we'll need to use trains.

Anti-Joke Answ**e**r: Please tell me, myself and some Jewish friends are going to Florida but ~~cannot afford~~ are too-cheap for plane tickets.

Racist Answ**e**r: Throw a dollar in there and they'll all get in.

Religion is all about who you DON'T recognize.....

Jews don't recognize Jesus as the son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope, and Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

Boyscouts vs. Jews

What is the difference between a boyscout and a jew?
...
Boyscouts come back from their camps.

A Lack of Recognition

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the spiritual leader of their churches.

Baptists do not recognize each other in liquor stores or gentlemen's clubs.

Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?

Because one of them dropped a nickel.

A man died and gets shown around in heaven by St. Peter

β€žSo, over here we have the Muslims. Very nice people, celebrating that they're allowed to drink up here.

β€žNext we have the Jews. Also really friendly, having discussion groups with God himself from time to time.

β€žThere are the Buddhists, really relaxed people, just enjoying themselves.

The tour goes on for quite a while like this.

Finally they arrive at a locked door.

β€žYou must be really quiet around here , St. Peter whispers.

β€žWhy, who's in there? , the man asks.

β€žThe Catholics, they think they are alone up here.

A waitress approaches a table full of jews.

She asks, "is anything alright?"

Leonid Brezhnev, Soviet General Secretary, calls his head of the KGB, Yuri Andropov, into his office...

Brezhnev: "Comrade, how many Jews do we have in the Soviet Union?"

Andropov: "Approximately five million, Comrade."

Brezhnev: "And how many Jews do you think would leave if we allowed them to?"

Andropov: "Approximately 20 million, Comrade."

I met a conspiracy theorist in Israel the other day.

He kept ranting about Jews secretly not controlling the government.

A jew and a mexican are talking...

The jew says, "lemme ask you something, are theres jews in mexico?"

The mexican replies "oh yes my friend, plenty of jews...apple jews, orange jews, and tomato jews."

How to make Jews jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Jews to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Jews? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Jews pick up lines to share with friends.

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