Jewish Wife Jokes
47 jewish wife jokes and hilarious jewish wife puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about jewish wife that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Jewish Wife Short Jokes
Short jewish wife jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jewish wife humour may include short jewish women jokes also.
- A Jewish couple win the lottery... The wife asks Isaac - what are going to do about all the begging letters?
Isaac says We keep sending them! - I had a conversation with a Jewish friend who said to me I have no idea what it's like to be Jewish I told him that is not true! My wife blames me for everything.
- My Asian friend got his Jewish wife pregnant. I guess "Cha Ching" wasn't an appropriate name suggestion
- A Frenchman has a wife and a lover He loves his lover the most.
An Englishman has a wife and a lover, he loves his wife the most.
A Jewish man has a wife and a lover, he loves his mother the most.
Share These Jewish Wife Jokes With Friends
Jewish Wife One Liners
Which jewish wife one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jewish wife? I can suggest the ones about wive and english wife.
- What did the Jewish pirate say when he heard his wife died? Argh, shiva me timbers
- What do you call an 85 year old Jewish man that murdered his wife? Ruthless
Laughable Jewish Wife Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about jewish wife you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean old jewish jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make jewish wife pranks.
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish." Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish." Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ok, ok, calm down, I'll call a plumber...
An old Jewish couple, Motti and Sara are going to bed. They get undressed and turn off the lights when Sara quickly pops to the bathroom. Suddenly, ten seconds later Motti hears Sara screaming, he jumps out of bed and rushes to the bathroom only to find a distressed Sara stuck a**...-first in the toilet.
"Motti, I slipped and fell in and now the suction means I can't get out!"
After some pulling and shoving Motti gives in says he will have to call a plumber, which he promptly does.
"Honey, you can relax, the plumber will be here in a half hour."
"But Motti, look at me, I'm b**...-n**..., I can't have him see me like this!"
Quick thinking, Motti takes off his yarmulke (kippa, skullcap, whatever) and carefully places it over Sara's c**..., thus protecting her dignity. With excitingly accurate timing, the plumber does indeed arrive thirty minutes later, Motti takes him upstairs and shows him his wife's predicament, the plumber says he will need a few minutes to assess the situation during which time Motti should go make him a coffee. Motti returns:
"Well? Whaddya reckon, can you get her out?"
"Yeah I can free your wife. But the Rabbi: he's a goner."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jewish sense of humor
Abe and Esther Goldberg were flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we are going to attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and we will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the c**... landing, then asks,
"Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"
"Oy no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?," he asks.
"God forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss ever in their 40 long years of marriage.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why do you kiss me?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
A old Jewish man goes to the doctors...
He says "Doctor I've got a huge problem."
The doctor says "What is it?"
He says "I keep getting these silent, smelly, gassy emissions I was with my wife and the Grossmans yesterday and it happened about 100 times during dinner and created a nauseous gas but it was silent so no one new who it was and then again on the bus this morning and even in your office now I must have had 20 of them, Do you have anyway to fix this problem doc?"
The doctor looks up and says "Well first off I'm going to send you to specialist."
The man interrupts him "What kind of specialist doc?"
"A hearing specialist!"
So a Jewish family has a baby!
It's a beautiful baby boy, and they love him very much. The dad wants to know, however, what the little boy will grow up to be like. So he takes the baby to the Rabbi, who says that there's a simple test. On a long table, the Rabbi places a stack of money, a bottle of whiskey, and a Torah. "If your son crawls to the money, he'll have a good job as a banker, and take care of you and your wife until you're dead and gone. If he goes for the whiskey, he's no good, a drunk, might as well drop him at the orphanage on the way home for all the good he'll do you. Finally, if he picks up the Torah, he'll be a Rabbi like me. A good, honest, man of God."
So the father puts the baby on the table, and the baby picks up the money. "YAY!" they cheer, as the baby starts crawling again. Now, the Rabbi looks worried. The baby now picks up the bottle of whiskey with its other hand. "Oh no" says the Rabbi. They then watch as the baby crawls again, and also picks up the Torah. "NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!" the Rabbi cries. "WHAT IS IT??? What's wrong with my son?!?!" the father panicks.
"I'm so so sorry, but your son is going to be the worst thing of all!" says the Rabbi. "Your son is going to be a Catholic!"
[
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The f**... Dog
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian f**... procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian f**... like this. Whose f**... is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men...
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Since we seem to be doing Jewish jokes...
An old Jewish man is on his death bead, surrounded by his loving family, and preparing to move into the Olam Habah.
While he's lying there, he smells a delicious smell and immediately recognizes it as his wife's delicious apple pie.
He whispers to his eldest daughter:
"Sarah, my time has almost come. Would you mind doing me one last favor?"
Sarah replies: "Of course, Abba. What do you want?"
"I want you to go into the other room and get me one last slice of your mother's delicious apple pie"
So Sarah runs off to get a slice of the pie.
She comes back a few minutes later and says "mom says it's for the f**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 90 year old man goes to confession...
... and in the confessional, he says.. "father, I have committed a great sin, I have cheated on my wife of 60 years with a 22 year old woman" The priest thinks for a moment, and replies with, "well then, this is indeed a great sin, you need to pray to the heavenly father for forgiveness. Say 500 hail marys and deposit $100 in the donation box." The man said, but father, I'm Jewish. The priest replies, "well, why are you here telling me this." The man replies, "I just had s**... with a 22 year old, I'm telling everyone I know!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young Jewish couple was getting married...
As the wedding party was getting ready to enter the hall, they noticed the bride and groom were missing.
After a few minutes the groom shows up with a HUGE smile on his face.
His best man says "dude, I know you're getting married, this is a happy day, but that is quite a smile".
The groom says "I just snuck into the bridesroom and my wife to be gave me the best b**... of my life, honestly I can't believe my luck marrying this woman.
The men walk in and a few seconds later the bride shows up with a HUGE smile on her face. Her maid-of-honor says "sweetheart, you're getting married, it's a great day, but that is quite a smile".
The bride says "I know, but I just gave my laaaast b**...!"
The Jewish mistress
A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see himlater and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get adivorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garageand no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife is always asking for money
Two old Jewish guys are discussing their wives and how they spend so much.
"My wife is always asking for money." says o**.... "Yesterday she asked for $100. The days before $75. The days before that $150. It never ends."
"What does she do with all that money?" asked his friend.
"I don't know." said the first guy.I never give her any."
Go tell Meyer's wife . . .
Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
An old Jewish couple is going to bed
The husband can't fall asleep, so his wife asks him:
- Abraham, why can't you fall asleep?
The husband responds:
- I owe Binyamin a lot of money, and I don't think I can give it back in time.
The wife is annoyed, picks up a phone and dials a number on it:
-Hello, Binyamin? Abraham is not going to give the money back!
Then she abruptly hangs the phone, and says:
- If we are not sleeping, he is not sleeping!
A Jewish man and his wife...
A Jewish man was driving down Alligator Alley in Ft. Lauderdale when a police officer pulled him over.
"Sir," said the officer, "you wife fell out of the car 2 miles back!"
"Oh, thank god!," he replied. "I thought I was going deaf."
An old man confesses a sin
An old man entered a confessional one morning and immediately informed the priest on duty that he was 87 years old.
"I was completely faithful to my wife for 64 years, until last night," he told the priest, "I was propositioned by two college girls and I took them up on it."
"We did it twice," he added proudly.
"I understand," the priest replied, "How long has it been since your last confession?"
"Never. I'm Jewish."
"Then why are you telling me this?"
"I'm telling everybody!"
Old Jewish joke.
A group of Ukrainian villagers are trying to get a cow to mate with a bull.
Try as they might, the cow refused to mate with any bull at all.
The villagers take the cow to the rabbi to ask for help.
The Rabbi inspects the cow then asks the villagers, "is the cow from Kiev?"
"Yes..." replied the villagers.
"Aha," exclaimed the Rabbi "that's why she won't mate with the bull."
"How do you know this?" asked the villagers, intrigued.
"My wife's from Kiev." replied the Rabbi.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Jewish Elbow
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?
"What...you coming empty handed?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Jewish wife was mad at me for making lame puns, so she punished me by lacing my chocolate coins with l**....
It was a real gelt trip.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man walks into a confessional...
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had s**... with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old Jewish man goes to confession
And he says, Father, I am 90 years old and Jewish, never been to confession before but I have to get something off my chest. I have been married to my lovely wife for 72 beautiful years, but last night I had a t**... with two blonde twin sister cheerleaders. The priest says, I commend you for coming to confession, but I have to ask first since you are Jewish, why are you telling a Catholic Priest. The old Jewish man says, I am not just telling you Father, I am telling everyone!
A jewish couple where walking the streets of Rome on vacation.
They walk past a fancy restaurant and the wife says " mmm that place smells amazing!". The Husband replies " You're right it does smell really good. If you want on the way back to the hotel we can walk by this same place again"
A jewish man's wife dies
So he decides to place an obituary in the newspaper, and phones their agent.
"Just put 'Sarah died' in the paper."
"But Sir, for the same money of only one line, you can add another four words!"
"Oh. Let me think about that.."
He phones back a few minutes later and says
"Put in the paper: 'Sarah died. Toyota Corolla for sale' .."
Jewish guy runs home from work, panting and trying to catch his breath.
He plops down at the kitchen table, where his wife was cooking dinner.
Wife asks, "What happened Motek? Why are you so exhausted?"
Guy says with a huge smile, "Chooki, instead of taking the bus home from work today, I ran all the way behind it and saved $2.50!"
He was extremely proud of himself and thought his wife would be happy with him for saving money.
Instead his wife screams, " Ben-zona! Why didn't you run behind a taxi, and save $15?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
Man: I am 92 years old, had a wonderful wife of 70 years who recently passed away, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had s**... with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish.
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm 92 years old…I'm telling everybody!
A Jewish man calls the newspaper to publish an obituary notice for her wife
Shlomo: Hello, This is Shlomo, I want to publish an obituary notice for my wife Rachel.
Agent: Hello Shlomo, how shall we publish it, do you have any words in mind?
Shlomo: "Rachel is dead". That's enough.
Agent: Sir you can write more; its the same price.
Shlomo: Hmm okay, "My wife Rachel is dead."
Agent: Sir, it is the same price up to 9 words, are you sure this is enough?
..after a moment of pause
Shlomo: "My wife Rachel is dead, Ford Fiesta for Sale."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An 85 year old man goes into a confessional...
An 85 year old man goes into a confessional. He said "Forgive me father but I have sinned".
The priest replied: "tell me your sins my son."
"I am committing adultery. I have a 25 year old girl friend. Every morning I tell my wife that I am going to have coffee with my friends, but instead I go to my girl friends house where she gives me a b**... and then we have s**... for an hour."
The Priest said: "adultery is a grave sin. But Mr Cohn, you're Jewish. Why are you telling me?"
Mr. Cohn replied "hey, I'm telling everybody."
What is a Jewish, a Black and a Russian man waiting outside a brothel for?
The Black man is waiting for the light to turn green, the Jew is waiting for the prices to drop and the Russian is waiting for his wife.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jewish guy walks into a bar.....
and he says to the bartender with much determination, "I'll take 10 shots of whiskey."
The bartender asks the Jewish guy, "What's the matter?"
The Jewish gentleman explains, "I found out my brother is gay and is marrying my best friend."
The next day the same Jewish gentleman comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The Jewish gentleman says, "I found out that my son is gay." The next day the same Jewish man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bra Shopping: A religious experience.
David goes into Macy's, to the l**... department, and he says to the salesgirl, My wife has sent me in for a Jewish bra, size 34B, and she said that you'd know what I meant."
The saleslady says, Boy, it's been a long time since anybody's asked me for a Jewish bra. They usually ask me for a Catholic bra or a Salvation Army bra or a Presbyterian bra.
He says, Well, what's the difference?
She says, The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra uplifts the downfallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.
He goes, Well, then what's a Jewish bra?
Oh, a Jewish bra makes mountains out of molehills.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old Jewish man is on his deathbed and he calls his wife over to him. "Esther, when we were childhood sweethearts during the war and were captured by the n**... and put in the concentration camp, you were by my side."
"After the war, when we moved to England, got married and had to work 12 hours a day to pay for a single room, you were by my side."
"Later when my business collapsed and we were again left penniless, you were by my side."
"And now finally, as I prepare to die, you are again by my side."
"I'm beginning to think your a bit of a jinx!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a Jewish man's wife and a pound of bacon?
Jewish men don't eat bacon.
Jamie the Jewish man died
His wife Ida rang the newspaper to put in his obituary
'It's $10 per word' said the man at the newspaper
'In that case please put Jamie died ' she said
He said 'unfortunately it's a minimum of 5 words'
'Please put Jamie died. Volvo for sale '
A husband's wife dies. The wife is Jewish and originally from Jerusalem.
When deciding where to bury his wife, the mortician gives the husband the option of burying his wife in Jerusalem for 500$, or burying her in the United States for 10,000$.
After some quick thought, the husband decided to bury his wife in the US. The mortician is stunned and asks, why would you want to bury your wife here for 20x the cost of burying her in Jerusalem?
The husband responds, About 2000 years ago, a man was entombed in Jerusalem, and was resurrected 3 days later. I'm not taking that chance with this woman.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?...
"What, you're coming empty handed?"
True Rosh Hashanah story
This is an actual conversation between my non-Jewish friend and his Jewish wife many years ago, before his first time going to High Holiday services:
Husband: So, can you tell me what to expect at Rosh Hashanah services?
Wife: It's a great ceremony. The best part is when they blow the shofar!
H: I'll drive.
Probably 30 years later and it still makes me laugh. And they're still together.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Weddings by Christian denomination [super-dated but still funny]
At a Catholic wedding, the bride is pregnant.
At a m**... wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.
At a United Church wedding, the minister is pregnant.
At a Unitarian wedding, the minister and her wife are both pregnant.
*Adapted poorly from a joke about Jewish denominations.*
An old Jewish man is taken ill with the flu
His wife looks after him, and as he continues to worsen, she asks him if there's anything she can get to help.
"Yes, go get a priest."
"A priest? But we're Jewish!"
"What, I should get the Rabbi sick too?"
An elderly Jewish man is on his deathbed.
Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here." He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"
