The Best 29 Jewish Wife Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Jewish Wife jokes. There are some jewish wife mother jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these jewish wife jews puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Jewish Wife Jokes and Puns

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?...

"What, you're coming empty handed?"

A Jewish couple win the lottery...

The wife asks Isaac - what are going to do about all the begging letters?

Isaac says We keep sending them!

An elderly man walks into a confessional...

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody .

The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What...you coming empty handed?"

An old man walks into a confessional...

An old man walks into a confessional and says, " I'm 82 years old, have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up 2 teenage girls hitchhiking, took them to a hotel, and made love to each of them 3 times.

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Then why are you telling me this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody!"


A old Jewish man goes to the doctors...

He says "Doctor I've got a huge problem."

The doctor says "What is it?"

He says "I keep getting these silent, smelly, gassy emissions I was with my wife and the Grossmans yesterday and it happened about 100 times during dinner and created a nauseous gas but it was silent so no one new who it was and then again on the bus this morning and even in your office now I must have had 20 of them, Do you have anyway to fix this problem doc?"

The doctor looks up and says "Well first off I'm going to send you to specialist."

The man interrupts him "What kind of specialist doc?"

"A hearing specialist!"

A Jewish guy, a Catholic guy and a Mormon are having dinner together...

...and they are bragging about their families.

"My wife and I have 4 strapping young boys" says the Jewish man. "If we have one more, we would have our own basketball team."

"Well, good for you" says the Catholic. "But we have 10 healthy sons. If we would have one more we would have our own football team."

"That's nothing" says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. If I have one more I would have my own golf course."

It's 3 in the morning and an elderly Jewish man is flying down the highway at 105 mph. A state trooper pulls him over.

"Where in the hell are you racing to at this hour?"

"To a lecture, officer."

"Who gives a lecture at 3 a.m.?"

"My wife."

An old Jewish man is dying at home in bed.

His entire family is gathered around him.

Sarah, the man calls for his wife...

Im here dear.

And the kids?

We are all here too dad.

And the grandchildren?

We are all here.

Well, if you are all here then why is the light in the kitchen turned on?

What do you call an 85 year old Jewish man that murdered his wife?

Ruthless

My Jewish wife was mad at me for making lame puns, so she punished me by lacing my chocolate coins with LSD.

It was a real gelt trip.

You can explore jewish wife wife reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean jewish wife jew dad jokes. There are also jewish wife puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Old Jewish joke.

A group of Ukrainian villagers are trying to get a cow to mate with a bull.

Try as they might, the cow refused to mate with any bull at all.

The villagers take the cow to the rabbi to ask for help.

The Rabbi inspects the cow then asks the villagers, "is the cow from Kiev?"

"Yes..." replied the villagers.

"Aha," exclaimed the Rabbi "that's why she won't mate with the bull."

"How do you know this?" asked the villagers, intrigued.

"My wife's from Kiev." replied the Rabbi.

Hitlers suicide

A man is sitting next to his jewish wife and decided to tell a joke:

Man: why did Hitler kill himself?
Woman: I don't know. Why did he?
Man: He saw the gas bill!
Woman: agh that is so insensitive.
Man: I know...My grand father died in the Holocaust.
Woman: awww that's so sad.
Man: yeah. He fell off the guard tower

A jewish couple where walking the streets of Rome on vacation.

They walk past a fancy restaurant and the wife says " mmm that place smells amazing!". The Husband replies " You're right it does smell really good. If you want on the way back to the hotel we can walk by this same place again"

I had a conversation with a Jewish friend who said to me I have no idea what it's like to be Jewish

I told him that is not true! My wife blames me for everything.

My Asian friend got his Jewish wife pregnant.

I guess "Cha Ching" wasn't an appropriate name suggestion

A Jewish man and his wife...

A Jewish man was driving down Alligator Alley in Ft. Lauderdale when a police officer pulled him over.

"Sir," said the officer, "you wife fell out of the car 2 miles back!"

"Oh, thank god!," he replied. "I thought I was going deaf."

What is a Jewish, a Black and a Russian man waiting outside a brothel for?

The Black man is waiting for the light to turn green, the Jew is waiting for the prices to drop and the Russian is waiting for his wife.

True Rosh Hashanah story

This is an actual conversation between my non-Jewish friend and his Jewish wife many years ago, before his first time going to High Holiday services:

Husband: So, can you tell me what to expect at Rosh Hashanah services?

Wife: It's a great ceremony. The best part is when they blow the shofar!

H: I'll drive.

Probably 30 years later and it still makes me laugh. And they're still together.


An old Jewish couple is going to bed

The husband can't fall asleep, so his wife asks him:
- Abraham, why can't you fall asleep?
The husband responds:
- I owe Binyamin a lot of money, and I don't think I can give it back in time.
The wife is annoyed, picks up a phone and dials a number on it:
-Hello, Binyamin? Abraham is not going to give the money back!
Then she abruptly hangs the phone, and says:
- If we are not sleeping, he is not sleeping!

A Frenchman has a wife and a lover

He loves his lover the most.

An Englishman has a wife and a lover, he loves his wife the most.

A Jewish man has a wife and a lover, he loves his mother the most.

Weddings by Christian denomination [super-dated but still funny]

At a Catholic wedding, the bride is pregnant.

At a Mormon wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.

At a United Church wedding, the minister is pregnant.

At a Unitarian wedding, the minister and her wife are both pregnant.

*Adapted poorly from a joke about Jewish denominations.*

A jewish man's wife dies

So he decides to place an obituary in the newspaper, and phones their agent.

"Just put 'Sarah died' in the paper."

"But Sir, for the same money of only one line, you can add another four words!"

"Oh. Let me think about that.."

He phones back a few minutes later and says

"Put in the paper: 'Sarah died. Toyota Corolla for sale' .."

What's the difference between a Jewish man's wife and a pound of bacon?

Jewish men don't eat bacon.

Jamie the Jewish man died

His wife Ida rang the newspaper to put in his obituary

'It's $10 per word' said the man at the newspaper

'In that case please put Jamie died ' she said

He said 'unfortunately it's a minimum of 5 words'

'Please put Jamie died. Volvo for sale '

My wife is always asking for money

Two old Jewish guys are discussing their wives and how they spend so much.

"My wife is always asking for money." says one guy. "Yesterday she asked for $100. The days before $75. The days before that $150. It never ends."

"What does she do with all that money?" asked his friend.

"I don't know." said the first guy.I never give her any."

What does a Jewish wife make for dinner?

Reservations.

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old.

I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish." Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "Iā€™m telling everybody!"

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old.

I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish." Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "Iā€™m telling everybody!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the jewish wife son jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working jewish wife daughter piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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