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Jewish Rabbi Jokes

81 jewish rabbi jokes and hilarious jewish rabbi puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about jewish rabbi that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Jewish Rabbi Short Jokes

Short jewish rabbi jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jewish rabbi humour may include short rabbi jokes also.

  1. Did you hear Gotye converted from Judaism to Catholicism? After realizing he didn't need to follow Jewish customs, he exclaimed to the rabbi, "you didn't have to cut me off!"
  2. An anti-semite once told a rabbi that Jews never tip The Rabbi replied: "I can assure you that every single Jewish guy I know around here has given a tip at least once in their lives"
  3. Jewish guy goes to his rabbi . . . . . . he asks, "I don't get it. If we're the chosen people, why did God make the goys?"
    The rabbi shrugs and say, "Hey . . . somebody's gotta pay retail."
  4. Why did the Jewish man not tip at the restaurant? Because he gave all his tips to the Rabbi
  5. I went to a Jewish Bar Last night. They got incredibly offended when I asked for the Rabbi steak.
  6. A leading rabbi has ruled that m**... is kosher Now we know what kids are gonna be doing for the Jewish High Holidays...

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Jewish Rabbi One Liners

Which jewish rabbi one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jewish rabbi? I can suggest the ones about priest minister rabbi and priest and rabbi.

  1. What do you call two Jewish rabbits? rabbi
  2. My Jewish minister bit me.. He gave me rabbis.
  3. Jewish Rabbis don't get paid for circumsion... They just get tips
  4. What does a sick, Jewish dog have? Rabbis!
  5. I was born half-jewish But then two weeks later the rabbi cut that half off.
  6. Did you hear about the Jewish magician? He pulled a rabbi out of a hat.
  7. What did the Jewish baby say to the Rabbi? Keep the tip.
  8. I want to get a Jewish cat I'd get a Jewish dog, but I'm afraid it would get rabbi's
  9. "Are you Jewish?" asked the Rabbi. "No, but I'm saving up to be", replied the man.
  10. Why did the Jewish parents get mad at the rabbi? He didnt leave them a tip....for dinner.
  11. What's an example of Jewish foreplay? When the Rabbi makes a three-pointer at the Bris.

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about jewish rabbi can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of jewish rabbi puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Amusing & Witty Jewish Rabbi Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun

What funny jokes about jewish rabbi you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean jewish doctor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make jewish rabbi prank.

A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."

Ok, ok, calm down, I'll call a plumber...

An old Jewish couple, Motti and Sara are going to bed. They get undressed and turn off the lights when Sara quickly pops to the bathroom. Suddenly, ten seconds later Motti hears Sara screaming, he jumps out of bed and rushes to the bathroom only to find a distressed Sara stuck a**...-first in the toilet.
"Motti, I slipped and fell in and now the suction means I can't get out!"
After some pulling and shoving Motti gives in says he will have to call a plumber, which he promptly does.
"Honey, you can relax, the plumber will be here in a half hour."
"But Motti, look at me, I'm b**...-n**..., I can't have him see me like this!"
Quick thinking, Motti takes off his yarmulke (kippa, skullcap, whatever) and carefully places it over Sara's c**..., thus protecting her dignity. With excitingly accurate timing, the plumber does indeed arrive thirty minutes later, Motti takes him upstairs and shows him his wife's predicament, the plumber says he will need a few minutes to assess the situation during which time Motti should go make him a coffee. Motti returns:
"Well? Whaddya reckon, can you get her out?"
"Yeah I can free your wife. But the Rabbi: he's a goner."

The Tribs

There is a land where Jewish people known as the Tribs live.
Now, there is a giant that lives in a big castle over the hill next to the Trib city, and any time the giant sees a Trib, he kicks it and sends the Trib flying across the land.
The Tribs got fed up with this, so they went to their Rabbi and told him to journey to the giant's castle to get him to stop k**... Tribs.
So the Rabbi journeys to the giants castle, musters up some courage, and knocks on the door.
A few seconds later, the giant answers, and as soon as he does, the Rabbi starts cowering in fear, but the giant just stares at him.
The Rabbi looks up and says, "Well? Aren't you going to kick me?"
To this the giant replies, "Silly Rabbi. Kicks are for Tribs."

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids...

The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.
The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delegation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.
The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre. The ogre laughed and replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

A Jewish man goes to his rabbi for advice..

"Rabbi, my son is considering turning to Christianity. How may I help him?"
The rabbi responds with "My friend, I too am having this problem. My son refuses to accept Judaism. Let us speak to the district clergy and seek advice together."
The two approach the clergy, and speak to one of the representatives. They tell him of their issues, and the representative solemnly states, "Brothers, it is a sad time indeed. My two sons have as well turned to praying to Christ, abandoning Judaism."
The clergy representative suggests the three Jews pray to God together, asking for their sons to become Jews again. Yet as they speak in their prayers, God says,
"Oh man, tell me about it. My son..."

So a Jewish family has a baby!

It's a beautiful baby boy, and they love him very much. The dad wants to know, however, what the little boy will grow up to be like. So he takes the baby to the Rabbi, who says that there's a simple test. On a long table, the Rabbi places a stack of money, a bottle of whiskey, and a Torah. "If your son crawls to the money, he'll have a good job as a banker, and take care of you and your wife until you're dead and gone. If he goes for the whiskey, he's no good, a drunk, might as well drop him at the orphanage on the way home for all the good he'll do you. Finally, if he picks up the Torah, he'll be a Rabbi like me. A good, honest, man of God."
So the father puts the baby on the table, and the baby picks up the money. "YAY!" they cheer, as the baby starts crawling again. Now, the Rabbi looks worried. The baby now picks up the bottle of whiskey with its other hand. "Oh no" says the Rabbi. They then watch as the baby crawls again, and also picks up the Torah. "NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!" the Rabbi cries. "WHAT IS IT??? What's wrong with my son?!?!" the father panicks.
"I'm so so sorry, but your son is going to be the worst thing of all!" says the Rabbi. "Your son is going to be a Catholic!"
[

Convert Today! Earn $5000.

(More Jewish inspired jokes)
These two rabbis are walking down the street. As they're walking, they pass a church with a large banner hanging above them that says across it:
CONVERT TODAY! EARN $5000.
The rabbis are perplexed by this. There is no way that this could be the real deal. They discuss and discuss some more. One rabbi finally decides he's going in and getting to the bottom of it.
A lot of time passes. The rabbi outside is starting to get worried. More time passes. The rabbi becomes more and more worried. Is it possible they're keeping him prisoner? Has he been killed? Or worse, are they force feeding him communion wafers??
The other rabbi finally comes outside. He seems altogether content with himself, and looks completely unharmed.
The rabbi that has waited so long is comforted by this, calms down, and asks the other rabbi, "So. Did you get the money?"
The other rabbi turns to him and says:
"Heh! You Jews and your money."

A different kind of Jewish joke

A man, visibly distracted and upset, walks toward his synagogue and finds the rabbi on the front steps.
"Rabbi, rabbi, it's my son!"
"What is wrong, Joseph, what has happened to your son?"
"Well, rabbi, he just came back from his Birthright trip to Israel, and he tells me that he's now a Christian!"
The rabbi strokes his beard and says, "Funny you should mention that. My son too went to Israel, and he too came back a Christian..."
At this moment, a bright light parts the clouds and a booming voice sounds from on high: "Funny you should mention that..."

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out.

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."
"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?"
He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

Dog Bar Mitzvah

A man walks into a synagogue with his dog. He goes up to the Rabbi and he says.
Man: Rabbi, I want my dog to have a Bar Mitzvah and I want to do it here
Rabbi: What are you, crazy? We can't do that!
Man: Please, I'll do anything
Rabbi: No, it can't be done
Man: Rabbi, I don't think you understand, I'm willing to donate $20,000 to this synagogue
Rabbi: Why didn't you tell me your dog was Jewish?!

Catholic School

So there's a bad jewish kid and he swears all the time. He gets expelled from school. His behavior combined with the town he lives in being so small where everyone knows everyone's business, causes his family to become pariahs.
Desperate for a solution, the parents ask the local Rabbi for help who suggests sending the boy to a *yeshiva* - a Jewish private school. The parents try this, but sadly, this seemed to make him worse, now he swears in both English and Hebrew.
The next week, Thanksgiving rolls around and the parents have the neighbors over to eat Turkey with them. The neighbor after a while can't help but remark "I know it's not my place, but your son is very unruly."
The parents sigh and say they have no idea what to do with him. The neighbor replies "I know you're Jewish but try Catholic School. Those nuns instill serious discipline in children."
Feeling out of options, the parents do enroll the son in Catholic School, and that same day he comes home from school the model son they always wished he was.
The parents are flabbergasted. They ask "Did the nuns beat you?", and the son replies "No mother, they did not." So the parent's say "Then how did this happen?" and the son replied "Well, when I saw the guy hanging on the wall there, I knew they meant business!"

The Trids and the Giant

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for a giant that lived on the mountain. The giant would often terrorize the Trids.
The Trids, tired of the giant, sent a group led by the community's minister to reason with the giant. But before they could even say one word the giant kicked them down the mountain. The Trids thought maybe this was because the giant was Catholic, so they sent another group, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached, the giant once again kicked them all down the mountain.
The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the giant was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they asked a rabbi of a different community for help. The Rabbi led a group of Trids up the mountain. The giant saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, knowing the giant's past, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the giant. The giant laughed and replied
"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

A Jewish guy goes to his Rabbi

A Jewish guy goes to his Rabbi and says: "RABBI RABBI! you're not going to believe what happened to me! My son turned Christian and left the house!"
The Rabbi says: "Well, you're not going to believe what happened to me! MY son turned Christian and Left the house."
"Well, what are we going to do?!" Asked the man.
"Let's pray to God and ask him for advice" the Rabbi answers.
They both look up and say: "God, God, you're not going to believe what happened to us! Both our sons turned Christian and left the house"
God responds: "well, you're not going to believe what happened to ME!"

Rabbi and priest are sitting together on a plane

They immediately hit it off and are having a lively discussion when their meals are served. The priest notices the rabbi's kosher meal and asks,
" I know that Jewish people do not eat any pork, but I was wondering if you have ever tasted bacon?"
The rabbi answers, " when we were little, my parents were not religious, and I have to admit, we ate bacon! Along the same lines, have you ever had s**... relations?"
The priest pauses and lowers his head. " When I was a teenager, I was quite the wild one, and I have to admit, it's better than bacon."

So this Jewish rabbi

is tired of where he lives. He lives in New York City and everyday he hears stories about crime and sees drug deals and people getting mugged. One day he has finally had enough, and he packs up his things and leaves. He goes to the airport and tells the clerk to give him a random ticket to anywhere. He flies for a long time and arrives to the land of Sneed where are the people are called Snids. Things are going great until a week after he got there and he sees this giant ogre giving all the Snids in the land of Sneed a good kick. This continues and one day the rabbi goes over to the ogre and says "Mr. ogre why don't you kick me? I live here too and i think we should all be treated equally." The ogre responds, "SILLY RABBI! KICKS ARE FOR SNIDS!"

Two Jewish mothers are at lunch...

During the meal, one of the mothers says to her friend, "I have some distressing news. I sent my son to Israel to become a better Jew, but he came back a Christian."
Her friend looks up in surprise and says, "Funny story! I also sent my son to Israel to become a better Jew, and he came back a Christian! Let us go and talk to the Rabbi."
The two mothers stroll down to the local synagogue and lay their problems before the Rabbi, whom, upon hearing their Lamentations replies, "Funny story! I also sent my son to Israel to become a Jew, and he came back a Christian! Let us pray for guidance."
The three of them kneel in prayer, and are answered by the voice of God: "What troubles you, my children?" He says.
"Father," says the Rabbi, "Each of us sent our sons to Israel to become better Jews, and each of them has become a Christian."
To which God replies:
"Funny story..."

A Jewish man goes to speak to his Rabbi...

He says, "Rabbi, you'll never guess what happened to me! My son converted to Christianity."
The Rabbi responds, "*You'll* never guess what happened to *me*! My son converted to Christianity too. Let's pray to God, maybe He'll have an answer for us."
After some prayers, God responds to them: "You'll never guess what happened to ME!"

My rabbi told me this one.

An orthodox Jewish man is about to go through heart surgery.
Before his doctor begins, he asks the Jewish man if he's ever had a surgical operation before, and if so, how it went.
The Jewish man responds, "I've only had surgery one time, and I couldn't walk for a year and a half."

A Jewish Lawyer...

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the lawyer. "I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.
"And what did he say?"
He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

The Pope and the Rabbi (not the apple one)

The Pope is walking down a street in London, when the heel breaks off his shoe. He looks around, and sees two shops advertising shoe repair. Looking closer, he sees a star of David on the wall in one, and a crucifix in the other. He thinks for a moment, and decides he'll go into the Jewish run shop, and do a little something for the relationship between the two faiths.
They're a bit surprised when the Pope walks in, but treat him well and do a really nice repair for him. When they're done, they refuse his money but ask if they can put a sign up saying he was a customer. He agrees, and goes on his way. The following day, the Jewish run shop has a sign in the window; "Cobblers to the Pope."
The day after that, the Christian shop has a sign in the window; "b**... to the chief Rabbi."
.
[I'll get my coat...]

Two Jewish men are talking

[This joke is best when read with a heavy Yiddish accent.]
The first man says "Oy vei! This is a disaster! My son has fallen in love with this Christian girl. He is running off to become a Christian!"
The second man replies "Oy vei! My son too is becoming a Christian! This is a disaster indeed. We should go consult the rabbi and ask what to do."
So they go down to their synagogue and go up to the rabbi and say "Rabbi! Rabbi! We both have a problem. Our sons are running after these Christian girls and are becoming Christians! What do we do?"
The rabbi replies "Oy vei! My son too is becoming a Christian! I don't know what to do either. We should pray and ask God what to do!"
So the three men kneel down at the altar, and the Rabbi begins to pray. "Oh almighty Father in heaven, our sons are running after these Christian girls and are becoming Christians! What do we do?"
God replies "Oy vei! My son too is becoming a Christian!"

Old Jewish joke.

A group of Ukrainian villagers are trying to get a cow to mate with a bull.
Try as they might, the cow refused to mate with any bull at all.
The villagers take the cow to the rabbi to ask for help.
The Rabbi inspects the cow then asks the villagers, "is the cow from Kiev?"
"Yes..." replied the villagers.
"Aha," exclaimed the Rabbi "that's why she won't mate with the bull."
"How do you know this?" asked the villagers, intrigued.
"My wife's from Kiev." replied the Rabbi.

German couple rush to a Jewish Hospital

A German couple are rushed to a Jewish hospital after a huge hailstorm. The boyfriend's right hand was cut, and the girlfriend's head is in really bad shape, so the couple go to the emergency room. A rabbi - who is accompanying and praying for all the patients in the emergency room - is in shock of how the girlfriend managed to be in the condition she was in. The rabbi asks the boyfriend, "what hit her?" The boyfriend still panting after rushing to the hospital pointing with his bandaged hand and quickly mutters, "hail-hit-her!"

How do you know what kind of Jewish wedding you're at?

At an orthodox wedding, the mother of the bride is pregnant.
At a conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant.
At a reform wedding, the rabbi is pregnant!

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland.
When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do.
Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the rabbi.
The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.
Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.
The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...

An elderly Jewish woman

wins the lottery, $30 million after taxes. She goes to her Rabbi to discuss what to do with the money.
She first says, "I'd like to spend $10 million on myself and my family."
The Rabbi replies, "It would be good to enjoy your winnings, and family is important."
She then says she'd like to donate another $10 million to the synagogue and the charity they run, since the synagogue has always been there for her, she'd like to give back.
The Rabbi says they could always use the money.
Then she says "I'd like to spend the last $10 million on a ten-foot golden statue of Adolf h**...."
Naturally the Rabbi is quite horrified. "Why would you want to memorialize such a monster?" he cries.
She rolls up her sleeve and responds, "He gave me the winning numbers."

A Rabbi on Yom Kippur

Rabbi Ben Simmons was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf.
Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course. He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely.
As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi Ben Simmons playing the best game he had ever played. The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course and then again on the next hole.
Moses turned to God and asked, 'I thought you were going to punish him. Do you call this punishment?'
God replied, 'Who can he tell?'

A rabbi is on his deathbed...

...and a friend asks him if he has any last requests. The Rabbi asks his friend to find him a Catholic priest, so that he might convert.
Confused, his friend asks, "Rabbi, why? You have been a great teacher and leader of your followers, and you have led a good and honorable Jewish life. Why would you want to become a Catholic now, before you die?"
He says, "Eh, better one of them than one of us."

Two Jewish Guys at the u**...

There were two Jewish guys next to each other at the urinals. The guy on the right turns to other and asks: "You were circumcised by Rabbi Brown, weren't you?"
"I was! How did you know?"
"You're peeing on my shoe."

What is the difference between a Conservative Jewish wedding, an Orthodox Jewish wedding, and a Reform Jewish wedding?

At a Conservative wedding the bride is pregnant.
At an Orthodox wedding the bride's mother is pregnant.
At a Reform wedding the rabbi is pregnant.

What's the weirdest thing you ever masterbated with?

A piece of ham.
I felt guilty so I went to my rabbi and confessed.
He told me "you're a Jewish boy you should have used a nice piece of brisket"

A Jewish father was very upset with how his son was turning out

He went to the Rabbi to ask him for some advice. He said, "Rabbi, I'm very worried about my son, I gave him the best possible Jewish education and despite this, he's now in his teens and is becoming a Christian!"
The Rabbi said, "it's funny you should say that, I too had a son who I raised to be a good Jewish boy and in his teens he became a Christian!"
The Jewish father asked the Rabbi what he did, the Rabbi said, "i turned to god."
"and what did he say?" Replied the father,
"He said, it's funny you should say that..."

Synagogue Dog

A jewish guy walks into his synagogue on Yom Kippur with with his dog. The rabbi stops him at the door and says "Moishe, what's the matter with you? You can't bring a dog in here."
"Don't worry, Rabbi," replies Moishe, "Isaac here is just as orthodox as I am, and he's come to pray." And as soon as he says that, the dog stands up on his hind legs, pulls a yarmulka out of Moishe's pocket, grabs a prayer book and starts praying in perfect Hebrew.
The Rabbi is amazed. "Oh my god," he says, "this is incredible, Moishe. You should make this dog become a rabbi!"
"You tell him that, Rabbi," replies Moishe. "He wants to be a doctor."

A man goes to see his Rabbi for counsel

"Rabbi, we don't have place in our house anymore! My family is too numerous. What should we do?"
The Rabbi: "Just bring your biggest cow to live inside with you"
The man is confused: "What? This will make things even worse!"
The Rabbi: "Trust me, live two weeks with the cow inside the house and then come back here."
After two weeks, the man comes back to the Rabbi: "Rabbi, we did as you suggested. What now?"
The Rabbi: "Now bring the cow back outside."
(An example of Jewish *witz*)

A Jewish father was troubled...

A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah, it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the father.
"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the father.
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "

A rabbi and a bishop get in an argument.

They each agree to go into the woods, find a bear, and try to convert it to their religion.
The next day, the bishop walks in and says that when he saw the bear, he preached the gospel truth of the Lord God and the bear happily got baptized.
He then says, "So, how did yours go?"
The rabbi looks up from his hospital bed and says, "In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."
*NOTE: THIS IS NOT OC. I saw it in a book of Jewish jokes and thought you guys might like it.

A nice clean jewish joke

The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.
On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.
An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God, This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?
Of course it is, said the Lord, smiling. Who can he tell?

A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi

She says to him, "Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?"
The wise old Rabbi answers, "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one."

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he's decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?
The rabbi strokes his beard and says, Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.
What did you do? asked the man of the rabbi.
I turned to God for the answer, replied the rabbi.
What did he say? asked the man.
He said, Funny you should come to me...

A Jewish congregation...

in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.
When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, n**..., lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you."
The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."
The girl gets up and starts to get dressed.
The Rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

A Orthodox Jewish man goes to his Rabbi

Man: "Rabbi, what should I do, my son has run off and is hanging around with Shiksen and g**...."
Rabbi: "So, what do you ask me for? I once had a son, he too ran off to hang around with Shiksen and g**...."
Man: "And what did you do about it?"
Rabbi: "I prayed to Hashem."
Man: "And did he give you an answer or advice?"
Rabbi: "He said: What you ask me for? I once had a son...."

a miracle

A rabbi walks through a Jewish town and then he spots a fat guy who is eating pork. The rabbi is upset and prays, whishing for the fat guy to be sick from eating this "un-clean" food.
After few minutes the rabbi changes his mind: he realized he was too strict: so he prays, prays very hard to undo his previous prayer.
And lo, there was a miracle: nothing happened to the fat man.

A popular joke within the Jewish community: Four Rabbis are arguing late at night over a passage of the Talmud

Three of the four rabbis argue that the text proves humanity is inherently evil. The fourth rabbi argues that human consciousness means we can choose all of our actions without moral disposition.
After three more hours of arguing, the fourth rabbi shouts, ADONAI, IF I AM CORRECT, GIVE ME A SIGN!
All of the sudden, lighting cracks directly next to the synagogue, splitting a tree perfectly in half without singeing a single leaf or blade of grass below.
The first three rabbis pause, before one of them declares,
* That's still two against three! *

An old Jewish joke. Original is in Yiddish.

A Rabbi and a Priest are sitting on a bench in front of church. They have bowls in front of them to collect money and as the parishioners exit the church they leave some change and bills for the Priest and give the Rabbi dirty looks.
After some time one of the parishioners takes pity on the Rabbi and walks up to him and says "Rabbi, I think you may be at the wrong venue. This is a church so the people here will only give money to the priest".
Upon hearing this the rabbi then turns to the priest sitting next to him and says "Moish, this guy's trying to tell us how to do business".

A Jewish man's son comes home and says he's converted to Christianity

He's shocked and goes to his friends house only to find out that his son has also converted to Christianity. They get worried and go to their rabbi. To their amazement he turns around and says his son also converted to Christianity. They are all scared now so turn to god. God comes down and listens to their story and says " you guys won't believe this.. "

Jewish s**... is asking his Rabbi

Rabbi, is it alright if I smoke during study of Torah?
Rabbi: Absolutely not, out of question. Why would you even ask such ridiculous thing?
The Jewish s**... goes away ashamed, but since he is a pious addict he comes back later and asks Rabbi again.
Rabbi, is it alright if I study the Torah while I smoke?
Rabbi: But of course, of course!

An old rabbi wins the lottery

The man wins $3,000,000.00
A reporter from the local TV station comes to interview him at his house
She asks him, "Congratulations on your winning! What do you plan to do with the money?"
The old rabbi answers, "I'm giving $1,000,000 to a Jewish charity, $1,000,000 to my family, and $1,000,000 to the n**...."
The reporter, stunned beyond belief, asks the old Jewish rabbi, "Why on earth would you give money to the n**...?"
The old rabbi lifts up his sleeve, exposing his arm and says, "They gave me my lucky numbers."

A Jewish man goes to his rabbi for help

"Rabbi, what should I do?" he asks. "My son just converted to Christianity."
"I'm not sure," the rabbi replied. "Let me ask God. Come back tomorrow."
The man goes back the next day. "Sorry," the rabbi said. "God told me He has the same problem."

I saw 3 men standing at the urinals.

The first man, a Jewish guy, was peeing 4 streams.
"What happened to you?" I asked.
He explained "Accident at my circumcision. The rabbi had Parkinson's."
The next man, a big tough trucker, was peeing 6 streams.
"And what is your problem?" I asked.
He grunted "I had a fight with a rottweiler..."
The third man, an elderly, absent-minded looking guy, was peeing 30 streams.
"Oh my gosh, what the h**... happened to you?!?" I gasped.
He looked down, then sighed.
"Oh dear, I forgot to pull down my zipper again."

A rabbi and a priest are discussing their dreams

"I dreamt of the jewish heaven the other night" says the priest "It was horrible, a slum overflowing with people! It was chaos, I tell you, all the people talking and walking around! And making so much noise... Thank God I woke up from that nightmare!"
"Interesting" says the rabbi "The other night I dreamt of the christian heaven. It was the perfect neighbourhood, every house was impeccable, with well-kept lawns and streets!"
"And how were the people?" asks the priest
"People?"

At the u**...

Two man, p**... side by side.
"Sorry sir, do you happen to be of the Jewish faith?"
"Erh... yes I am."
"You are from Krakow?"
"Yes."
"And did you always go to the small synagogue in the Lipowitz Street?"
"Yes, do we know each other?"
"I don't think so. But you were born between 1970 and 1980?"
"Yes, could you finally tell me where we met?"
"We have not met, sir. But in the small synagogue in the Lipowitz Street in Krakow, Rabbi Goldberg war responsible for the bris in between 1970 and 1980. And the good Rabbi never managed to make a clean cut. And you're p**... on my shoes".

A Rabbi and a Priest are found asking for money outside of a Church.

The Rabbi was wearing old, tattered clothes; the Priest was wearing nice, elegant clothing. Everyone was giving the priest money and the Rabbi didn't get any money. After a few hours, a young Jewish man walks by and says to the Rabbi, "Why are you asking for money in front of a Church? Nobody will give you any money, especially when you're wearing that kind of clothing!" The Rabbi goes up to the priest and says, "Look at this guy telling us how to run our business!"

An old Jewish man is taken ill with the flu

His wife looks after him, and as he continues to worsen, she asks him if there's anything she can get to help.
"Yes, go get a priest."
"A priest? But we're Jewish!"
"What, I should get the Rabbi sick too?"

jokes about jewish rabbi

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

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