The Best 35 Jewish Rabbi Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Jewish Rabbi jokes. There are some jewish rabbi orthodox jewish jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these jewish rabbi jew puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Jewish Rabbi Jokes and Puns

I saw 3 men standing at the urinals.

The first man, a Jewish guy, was peeing 4 streams.
"What happened to you?" I asked.

He explained "Accident at my circumcision. The rabbi had Parkinson's."

The next man, a big tough trucker, was peeing 6 streams.
"And what is your problem?" I asked.

He grunted "I had a fight with a rottweiler..."

The third man, an elderly, absent-minded looking guy, was peeing 30 streams.
"Oh my gosh, what the hell happened to you?!?" I gasped.

He looked down, then sighed.
"Oh dear, I forgot to pull down my zipper again."

A Jewish man goes to his rabbi for help

"Rabbi, what should I do?" he asks. "My son just converted to Christianity."

"I'm not sure," the rabbi replied. "Let me ask God. Come back tomorrow."

The man goes back the next day. "Sorry," the rabbi said. "God told me He has the same problem."

My rabbi told me this one.

An orthodox Jewish man is about to go through heart surgery.

Before his doctor begins, he asks the Jewish man if he's ever had a surgical operation before, and if so, how it went.

The Jewish man responds, "I've only had surgery one time, and I couldn't walk for a year and a half."

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out.

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."

"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

A nice clean jewish joke

The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.

On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.

An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God, This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?

Of course it is, said the Lord, smiling. Who can he tell?


A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland.

When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.

The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?"

He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do.

Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."

So they went to see the rabbi.

The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?

The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.

Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.

The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...

A rabbi is on his deathbed...

...and a friend asks him if he has any last requests. The Rabbi asks his friend to find him a Catholic priest, so that he might convert.

Confused, his friend asks, "Rabbi, why? You have been a great teacher and leader of your followers, and you have led a good and honorable Jewish life. Why would you want to become a Catholic now, before you die?"
He says, "Eh, better one of them than one of us."

A Jewish guy goes to his Rabbi

A Jewish guy goes to his Rabbi and says: "RABBI RABBI! you're not going to believe what happened to me! My son turned Christian and left the house!"

The Rabbi says: "Well, you're not going to believe what happened to me! MY son turned Christian and Left the house."

"Well, what are we going to do?!" Asked the man.

"Let's pray to God and ask him for advice" the Rabbi answers.

They both look up and say: "God, God, you're not going to believe what happened to us! Both our sons turned Christian and left the house"

God responds: "well, you're not going to believe what happened to ME!"

What do you call two Jewish rabbits?

rabbi

Dog Bar Mitzvah

A man walks into a synagogue with his dog. He goes up to the Rabbi and he says.

Man: Rabbi, I want my dog to have a Bar Mitzvah and I want to do it here

Rabbi: What are you, crazy? We can't do that!

Man: Please, I'll do anything

Rabbi: No, it can't be done

Man: Rabbi, I don't think you understand, I'm willing to donate $20,000 to this synagogue

Rabbi: Why didn't you tell me your dog was Jewish?!

A rabbi and a priest are discussing their dreams

"I dreamt of the jewish heaven the other night" says the priest "It was horrible, a slum overflowing with people! It was chaos, I tell you, all the people talking and walking around! And making so much noise... Thank God I woke up from that nightmare!"

"Interesting" says the rabbi "The other night I dreamt of the christian heaven. It was the perfect neighbourhood, every house was impeccable, with well-kept lawns and streets!"

"And how were the people?" asks the priest

"People?"

You can explore jewish rabbi orthodox reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean jewish rabbi judaism dad jokes. There are also jewish rabbi puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Jewish smoker is asking his Rabbi

Rabbi, is it alright if I smoke during study of Torah?

Rabbi: Absolutely not, out of question. Why would you even ask such ridiculous thing?

The Jewish smoker goes away ashamed, but since he is a pious addict he comes back later and asks Rabbi again.

Rabbi, is it alright if I study the Torah while I smoke?

Rabbi: But of course, of course!

A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi

She says to him, "Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?"

The wise old Rabbi answers, "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one."

Old Jewish joke.

A group of Ukrainian villagers are trying to get a cow to mate with a bull.

Try as they might, the cow refused to mate with any bull at all.

The villagers take the cow to the rabbi to ask for help.

The Rabbi inspects the cow then asks the villagers, "is the cow from Kiev?"

"Yes..." replied the villagers.

"Aha," exclaimed the Rabbi "that's why she won't mate with the bull."

"How do you know this?" asked the villagers, intrigued.

"My wife's from Kiev." replied the Rabbi.

Jewish Rabbis don't get paid for circumsion...

They just get tips

An old rabbi wins the lottery

The man wins $3,000,000.00

A reporter from the local TV station comes to interview him at his house

She asks him, "Congratulations on your winning! What do you plan to do with the money?"

The old rabbi answers, "I'm giving $1,000,000 to a Jewish charity, $1,000,000 to my family, and $1,000,000 to the Nazis."

The reporter, stunned beyond belief, asks the old Jewish rabbi, "Why on earth would you give money to the Nazis?"

The old rabbi lifts up his sleeve, exposing his arm and says, "They gave me my lucky numbers."

What is the difference between a Conservative Jewish wedding, an Orthodox Jewish wedding, and a Reform Jewish wedding?

At a Conservative wedding the bride is pregnant.
At an Orthodox wedding the bride's mother is pregnant.
At a Reform wedding the rabbi is pregnant.

Did you hear Gotye converted from Judaism to Catholicism?

After realizing he didn't need to follow Jewish customs, he exclaimed to the rabbi, "you didn't have to cut me off!"

An anti-semite once told a rabbi that Jews never tip

The Rabbi replied: "I can assure you that every single Jewish guy I know around here has given a tip at least once in their lives"


Two Jewish Guys at the Urinal

There were two Jewish guys next to each other at the urinals. The guy on the right turns to other and asks: "You were circumcised by Rabbi Brown, weren't you?"

"I was! How did you know?"

"You're peeing on my shoe."

A Jewish man's son comes home and says he's converted to Christianity

He's shocked and goes to his friends house only to find out that his son has also converted to Christianity. They get worried and go to their rabbi. To their amazement he turns around and says his son also converted to Christianity. They are all scared now so turn to god. God comes down and listens to their story and says " you guys won't believe this.. "

A Orthodox Jewish man goes to his Rabbi

Man: "Rabbi, what should I do, my son has run off and is hanging around with Shiksen and Goyim."

Rabbi: "So, what do you ask me for? I once had a son, he too ran off to hang around with Shiksen and Goyim."

Man: "And what did you do about it?"

Rabbi: "I prayed to Hashem."

Man: "And did he give you an answer or advice?"

Rabbi: "He said: What you ask me for? I once had a son...."

How do you know what kind of Jewish wedding you're at?

At an orthodox wedding, the mother of the bride is pregnant.

At a conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant.

At a reform wedding, the rabbi is pregnant!

A leading rabbi has ruled that marijuana is kosher

Now we know what kids are gonna be doing for the Jewish High Holidays...

A Jewish man goes to speak to his Rabbi...

He says, "Rabbi, you'll never guess what happened to me! My son converted to Christianity."

The Rabbi responds, "*You'll* never guess what happened to *me*! My son converted to Christianity too. Let's pray to God, maybe He'll have an answer for us."

After some prayers, God responds to them: "You'll never guess what happened to ME!"

a miracle

A rabbi walks through a Jewish town and then he spots a fat guy who is eating pork. The rabbi is upset and prays, whishing for the fat guy to be sick from eating this "un-clean" food.
After few minutes the rabbi changes his mind: he realized he was too strict: so he prays, prays very hard to undo his previous prayer.
And lo, there was a miracle: nothing happened to the fat man.

Jewish guy goes to his rabbi . . .

. . . he asks, "I don't get it. If we're the chosen people, why did God make the goys?"

The rabbi shrugs and say, "Hey . . . somebody's gotta pay retail."

What's the weirdest thing you ever masterbated with?

A piece of ham.

I felt guilty so I went to my rabbi and confessed.

He told me "you're a Jewish boy you should have used a nice piece of brisket"

What does a sick, Jewish dog have?

Rabbis!

I was born half-jewish

But then two weeks later the rabbi cut that half off.

Did you hear about the Jewish magician?

He pulled a rabbi out of a hat.

Why did the Jewish man not tip at the restaurant?

Because he gave all his tips to the Rabbi

What did the Jewish baby say to the Rabbi?

Keep the tip.

The Pope and the Rabbi (not the apple one)

The Pope is walking down a street in London, when the heel breaks off his shoe. He looks around, and sees two shops advertising shoe repair. Looking closer, he sees a star of David on the wall in one, and a crucifix in the other. He thinks for a moment, and decides he'll go into the Jewish run shop, and do a little something for the relationship between the two faiths.

They're a bit surprised when the Pope walks in, but treat him well and do a really nice repair for him. When they're done, they refuse his money but ask if they can put a sign up saying he was a customer. He agrees, and goes on his way. The following day, the Jewish run shop has a sign in the window; "Cobblers to the Pope."

The day after that, the Christian shop has a sign in the window; "Bollocks to the chief Rabbi."

.

[I'll get my coat...]

The Trids and the Giant

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for a giant that lived on the mountain. The giant would often terrorize the Trids.

The Trids, tired of the giant, sent a group led by the community's minister to reason with the giant. But before they could even say one word the giant kicked them down the mountain. The Trids thought maybe this was because the giant was Catholic, so they sent another group, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached, the giant once again kicked them all down the mountain.

The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the giant was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they asked a rabbi of a different community for help. The Rabbi led a group of Trids up the mountain. The giant saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, knowing the giant's past, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the giant. The giant laughed and replied

"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the jewish rabbi hashanah jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working jewish rabbi hasidic piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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