Jewish People Jokes

119 jewish people jokes and hilarious jewish people puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about jewish people that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Jewish People Short Jokes

Short jewish people jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jewish people humour may include short jewish women jokes also.

I told my buddy that jewish people call god by a different name He was like, "No way!"
I was like, "Yahweh"
I told my friend that Jewish people call God by a different name. He said, "No way!", to which I replied, "Yahweh".
1948; "Did you hear,the Jewish people finally got their own country? Is this real?" "Yes,it is real!" My best original joke, taa daaa. !!!
What is the difference between Jamaicans and Jewish people? Their reaction when someone asks if they want to get baked.
why dont jewish people like getting made fun of? Because millions of them already got roasted
I don't think most people realize that being Jewish grants you some perks... Like free gas.
Even the Jewish people didn't believe they had an independent state. So they called it IS REAL?
You know how black people always complain about being ashy? Clearly they don't have any Jewish friends.
Most people say Jesus isn't Jewish... But he is. 30, single, living with his parents, working his father's job and his mother saying he's the son of God, of course he's Jewish.
Saying "Oh, look, here comes the jew laywer" is neither racist nor an insult. It's a compliment. Everyone knows jewish people make the best lawyers. Because they're sneaky. And greedy.

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Jewish People One Liners

Which jewish people one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jewish people? I can suggest the ones about old jewish and jewish money.

What do Jewish people and basketball games have in common? The tip off.
Who led the Jewish people through the semi-permeable membrane? Osmoses
What would you call it if mel gibson apologizes to the Jewish people? Melatonin
Why do Jewish people have big noses? Air is free.
Why do some Jewish people believe in Santa Claus? because he isreal
Who led the Jewish people across a semi permeable membrane? Os-Moses.
What do Jewish people wear in the pool? Synagoggles.
What do jewish people in India eat on Purim? Cumintaschens.
Why can't you insult Jewish people? Because they've already been roasted.
What do rioting jewish people throw? Mazel tov cocktails
What type of AIDS virus only Jewish people can get? H Oy Vey
What is the top selling protein with Jewish People (May be offensive) YahWhey
I hate talking with Jewish people It really takes me out of Mein Kampfort zone!
Why aren't Jewish people into rap? They can't drop dimes
What do you call a family of jewish people who grow apples Apple Jews

Amusing & Witty Jewish People Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun

What funny jokes about jewish people you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jewish food jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make jewish people pranks.

A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."

Why do people prefer Jewish chocolate over milk chocolate?

Because Jewish chocolate is richer.

A teacher at an international school...

asks her class what their opinion is on giving food to people in other countries.
The Jewish kid asks "What is giving?"
The African kid asks "What is food?"
The Chinese kid asks "What is my opinion?"
And the American kid asks "What are other countries?"

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids...

The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.
The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delegation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.
The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre. The ogre laughed and replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

The Jewish way

As a Jew I have a soft spot for jokes about my own people, and this is one of my favorites that isn't so well known.
A Jewish man walks into a w**.... The madame asks him what he'd like. He asks if any of the women there can have s**... "the Jewish way". Puzzled, she goes to each of the unoccupied rooms, and asks the woman inside if she's familiar with having s**... the Jewish way. Finally, they get to the last room. Inside is a p**... who's extremely talented, and is one of the most expensive in the area. She asks, "do you know how to have s**... the Jewish way? This man's looking for a woman who does". She responds, "no, I haven't. But to stay at the top of my profession, I'm always looking to improve. If you teach me how to have s**... the Jewish way, we'll do that free of charge".
The man accepts the offer, and they have s**.... She's surprised to find that it's just regular s**...! Afterwards, she asks "What were you talking about, 'the Jewish way'? You just had s**... with me, the most expensive h**... in town, for free?!" He smiles and replies, "that's the Jewish way!".

The Trids and the Giant

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for a giant that lived on the mountain. The giant would often terrorize the Trids.
The Trids, tired of the giant, sent a group led by the community's minister to reason with the giant. But before they could even say one word the giant kicked them down the mountain. The Trids thought maybe this was because the giant was Catholic, so they sent another group, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached, the giant once again kicked them all down the mountain.
The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the giant was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they asked a rabbi of a different community for help. The Rabbi led a group of Trids up the mountain. The giant saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, knowing the giant's past, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the giant. The giant laughed and replied
"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

Jewish guy goes to his rabbi . . .

. . . he asks, "I don't get it. If we're the chosen people, why did God make the goys?"
The rabbi shrugs and say, "Hey . . . somebody's gotta pay retail."

I may be Jesus. Because today, I realized he and I have something crazy in common...

See I have a tattoo on my back of a Cross. I will be walking around until I did with a Cross on my back. "Okay, A lot of people have Cross tattoos on their back, why do you think you are Jesus?"
Well, the tattoo artist who caused all the pain and put the Cross on my back was Jewish...Crazy right. My name is Jeff, so I always say, "What Would Jefus do?"

Two Jews during the depression

Two Jewish guys are liking for work during the depression. They come across a atholic church that has a sign saying , "get saved; convert and receive $25".
One if the guys says, "my children are starving, I need that money" and goes in the church. His buddy waits for him and about am hour later he comes out. His buddy immediately ask, "did you get the money" to which the new follower of Christ responds, "is that all you people think about?"

Why do Jewish people love smoking w**...?

Getting baked runs in the family.

I hate jokes about jewish people because my grandpa died in auschwitz!

he got drunk and fell off the watchtower....

What's the difference between Jewish people and Harry Potter?

Harry can survive the Chamber.

A short collection of jokes....

Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: homework!!!
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
Why is there no mexican olympics? Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already across the boarder..
Q: Why do Jewish men get circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off.
Boy:say me
Girl:me
Boy: you forgot the d
Girl: there's no d in me
Boy: not yet there isnt :)
One day while in a bank, an old lady asked if i could help her check her balance... so i pushed her over
Failed my biology test today:
They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"
Apparently "black people" wasnt the correct answer
Enjoy and post some funny ones i can havea laugh at...

Some people claim to be both Buddhist and Jewish

They disavow all worldly possessions, but keep the receipts

I teach High School Machine Tool and Die, and was quite impressed with a students response to another student passing gas.

I walked into the room and asked who passed gas. After a bit of blaming each other one student said "Who ever it was should apologize to Ben."
I asked "why is that".
He said "Because Ben's people have been gassed enough". And yes, Ben is Jewish...

Why did Jews vote for Obama.

They love change.
(Jk jewish people! Much love to all religions and races )
Original Joke by Me.

Two Jewish homeless guys

are down and out and just walking down the street when one of the men spots a sign on the Catholic Church and says, Look at that! The sign reads, Convert to Catholic and make $10. The other guy says, I don't know about that. Well I do says the other. I need the money. So the one goes inside and the other, with nothing to do, kicks back on the curb. After an hour and a half the guy comes back out of the church.
So what happened? asks his friend.
I converted, I'm a Catholic now.
Well, did ya get the ten dollars? asks the friend.
IS THAT ALL YOU PEOPLE THINK ABOUT?

What do Jewish people use to power their cars?

Oy!-L

A lot of people don't know this, but one of the greatest basketball players of all time was Jewish

He was known as Shekel o'Neal

Why can't you make a movie with with Jewish people smoking w**...?

You can't show a group of Jews getting baked

Where do black Jewish people go ?

The back of the furnace.

Why are 25 of the 26 letters in the English alphabet problematic to Jewish people?

Because they're not C's.

Black people and Jewish people are just like racism.

I just found out my father's sister doesn't like Jewish people.

Its hard to believe I have a relative who is auntie semitic.

Did you know that jewish people have a higher risk of getting a cavity?

There saliva can be very Hassidic.

I was telling a friend how Jewish people call god by another name, and he was like "No way!", and I was like...

"No, seriously. They do."

A man walks into a bar and sees h**......

A man walks into a bar and sees h**....
"Hey, is that h**...?" he asks the bartender.
"Yeah that's Adolf and his right hand man. Have a cold beer and go introduce yourself!"
The man gets a nice cold bottle from the bartender and makes his way over to h**....
"Hello Adolf."
"How are you?" Adolf asks.
"Good, what are you doing?"
h**...'s right hand man chimes in. "We are going over plans for World War III."
"Ah, what are your plans for it?" the bar visiting man asks.
"Well, we will kill 1 million Jews and 1 bicycle repair man," Adolf's right hand man answers.
"Why are you going to kill a bicycle repair man?" asks the man.
h**... becomes excited and turns to his right hand man.
"Ha! See? I told you nobody would care about the Jews."
--
The Holocaust is a terrible thing. This is a terrible joke. However, it has made people laugh, even Jewish people because it is very unexpected. I have no issue with Jewish men or women.

Convert today! $5000

Two elderly Jewish men were walking along when they came across a sign "Convert today! $5000." One of the men was interested and said he was going to see what it was all about. His friend had no interest and said he would wait on a bench. After 8 hours finally the man returns from the church.
"What happened that took forever?"
"Well the priest sat me down and explained to me all the things I have been doing wrong in my life. I realized he was right and I have converted."
"Yea yea but what about the $5000?"
"Jesus Christ is that all you people think about?"

What's the name of the hat Jewish people are always seen wearing?

Oh yeah a Yankees hat.

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland.
When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do.
Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the rabbi.
The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.
Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.
The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...

I don't know why some people are so against jokes about the n**...'s

They kill in the Jewish communities

What's white on top and black on the bottom?

Society.
(All black people, take a jab - i'm jewish and not racist!)

A Jewish guy walks into a bar. The Chinese bartender asks him his name...

"I'm Max Goldberg", he says, "what's yours?"
"I'm Wei Zhang, it's nice to meet you."
Mr. Goldberg says, "I'll never forgive you people for b**... Pearl Harbor."
"I'm Chinese. That was the Japanese."
"Chinese, Japanese, all the same to me."
Mr. Zhang says, "I'll never forgive you people for sinking the Titanic."
"I'm Jewish, that was an iceberg."
"Goldberg, iceberg, all the same to me."

People always complain that Jewish people have all the money.

Well if 6 million of your people died, you'd expect at least some inheritance

What's it called when Jewish people have s**... in a church?

Sinagogue.

Where do Jewish people go to think?

Concentration Camps.

When do Jewish people believe the fetus achieves viability?

Not until he graduates from medical school.
Heard this one from a Jewish patient I had once.

Man dies and goes to heaven, filled with rooms he hears a party behind each door is happening.

St. Peter (or whoever the afterlife tour guide is) took him to the first door and opened it. The room was full of Muslims welcoming the man to come in and join them.
Passing they moved on to the next door to find a room full of Jewish people celebrating the afterlife.
Next a room of Buddhists - all calling for the man to come in and join the splendor of the afterlife.
The next room, however, is passed by as St Peter whispers, "shhhh just skip that one. It's the Christians, they think they're the only ones here."

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish
+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift
## He's Jewish. Give it up
****
_by Robin Williams_
Happy Birthday Robin!

As a man of Jewish descent

As a man of Jewish descent I don't like jokes about us Jews.
I think they often cement prejudices and misinterpretations of the Jewish people and culture.
But every now and then even I enjoy a good laugh and feel that I shouldn't be so serious about everything.
So I have a very good joke about the holocaust here if anyone wants to buy it?

Jesus fed 5,000 Jewish people

With bread and fish, and he's adored for it.
I don't get it,
h**... made 6 million Jewish people toast and he's hated for it

Hanukkah is a truly Jewish holiday.

What other group of people would celebrate saving on oil?

Why do Jewish people have circumcised p**...?

Because they're 20% off

What do Spanish people call their young Jewish friends?

Amigos Menorahs.

Why do Jewish people become rich?

They don't passover good business opportunities.

We've all heard the old joke 'how many Jews can you fit in a car?', well how many trans-gendered people can you fit in a car?

Well that depends... are they Jewish?

My best joke.

During the second world war there was a camp leader who out of the kindness of his heart rescued 160 Jewish people and provided them with warmth, shelter, bottles of water and loaves and loaves of bread. You think this was a kind gesture? You should of seen h**...; he made 6 million Jews toast!

Where do Jewish people go to save money on bulk food?

Holocaust-co.

What does pokemon and jewish people have in common?

They both hate crammed spaces.

What kind of cars do Jewish people drive?

Matzah-ratis

There are three truths in religion:

1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

Two Jewish men are walking down the street.

They notice a sign outside a church that reads, "$200 to covert to Christianity."
One of them asks, "Well, you want to give it a shot?"
"Nah", the other responds.
"I'm not really religious anyway; I'll take their money" says the first.
An hour goes by and he comes walks back out and sees his friend waiting by the doors. "Did you go through with it?" the friend asks.
"Yup."
"So? Did you get the money?" asks the friend.
"Is that really all you people think about?"

The Jewish people decided that they had to return to their old form of monarchy.

Why can't Jewish people drive?

They're afraid of the gas.

A jewish man walks down the street

He is approached by a native american man who aggresively states
"Your people stole my land!" The jew, knowing that this is incorrect, defends himself.
"i'm not white, i'm jewish, you see," he began, "My family fled here from germany in 1943", but was cut short by the native american.
"My house was taken by the bank"

How many Jewish people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Ashes can't screw in a lightbulb.

Why don't Jewish people celebrate Christmas?

The fire place is already full

World War 2

Man: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done?"
Man: I harbored Jewish people in my basement to keep them safe from the Germans."
Priest: "That's not a sin. That's a good deed."
Man: "But I have been charging them one dollar a night until the war is over."
Priest: "That's perfectly okay."
Man: "I haven't told them the war is over."

Some people complain about not being able to afford food...

That's what us Jewish just like to call an extended holiday

People often ask me what's the difference between being a Jew and being Jewish. If you're a Jew, you're born into the ethnicity, and you probably practice the religion. If you're just religious, you're only kind of a Jew

You're Jew*ish*.

What do Jewish people and cars have in common?

They both need gas.

What do Jewish people in Japan celebrate?

Ramendan.