Jewish People Jokes
96 jewish people jokes and hilarious jewish people puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about jewish people that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Jewish People Short Jokes
Short jewish people jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jewish people humour may include short jewish women jokes also.
- I told my buddy that jewish people call god by a different name He was like, "No way!"
I was like, "Yahweh" - 1948; "Did you hear,the Jewish people finally got their own country? Is this real?" "Yes,it is real!" My best original joke, taa daaa. !!!
- Even the Jewish people didn't believe they had an independent state. So they called it IS REAL?
- Most people say Jesus isn't Jewish... But he is. 30, single, living with his parents, working his father's job and his mother saying he's the son of God, of course he's Jewish.
- Some people complain about not being able to afford food... That's what us Jewish just like to call an extended holiday
- When do Jewish people believe the fetus achieves viability? Not until he graduates from medical school.
Heard this one from a Jewish patient I had once. - Why are 25 of the 26 letters in the English alphabet problematic to Jewish people? Because they're not C's.
- Some people claim to be both Buddhist and Jewish They disavow all worldly possessions, but keep the receipts
- I was telling a friend how Jewish people call god by another name, and he was like "No way!", and I was like... "No, seriously. They do."
- I just found out my father's sister doesn't like Jewish people. Its hard to believe I have a relative who is auntie semitic.
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Jewish People One Liners
Which jewish people one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jewish people? I can suggest the ones about old jewish and jewish food.
- What do Jewish people and basketball games have in common? The tip off.
- Who led the Jewish people through the semi-permeable membrane? Osmoses
- What would you call it if mel gibson apologizes to the Jewish people? Melatonin
- Why do some Jewish people believe in Santa Claus? because he isreal
- What do jewish people in India eat on Purim? Cumintaschens.
- What is the top selling protein with Jewish People (May be offensive) YahWhey
- Why aren't Jewish people into rap? They can't drop dimes
- What do you call a family of jewish people who grow apples Apple Jews
- What do Spanish people call their young Jewish friends? Amigos Menorahs.
- What's the name of the hat Jewish people are always seen wearing? Oh yeah a Yankees hat.
- What do Jewish people in Japan celebrate? Ramendan.
- What do Jewish people and cars have in common? They both need gas.
- The Jewish people decided that they had to return to their old form of monarchy.
- Yesterday I found an old people's Jewish dating website It's called ash tray dating
- What do you call a soccer team full of Jewish people? Jewventus
Amusing & Witty Jewish People Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about jewish people you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jews telling jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make jewish people pranks.
A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."
A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old Jewish men
Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Convert to Catholicism and get $100".
One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"
"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."
Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"
Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."
With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church. Twenty minutes later he walks out with his head bowed.
"So," asks Abe, "did you get your hundred dollars?"
Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Tribs
There is a land where Jewish people known as the Tribs live.
Now, there is a giant that lives in a big castle over the hill next to the Trib city, and any time the giant sees a Trib, he kicks it and sends the Trib flying across the land.
The Tribs got fed up with this, so they went to their Rabbi and told him to journey to the giant's castle to get him to stop k**... Tribs.
So the Rabbi journeys to the giants castle, musters up some courage, and knocks on the door.
A few seconds later, the giant answers, and as soon as he does, the Rabbi starts cowering in fear, but the giant just stares at him.
The Rabbi looks up and says, "Well? Aren't you going to kick me?"
To this the giant replies, "Silly Rabbi. Kicks are for Tribs."
Why do people prefer Jewish chocolate over milk chocolate?
Because Jewish chocolate is richer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An ethnically diverse group of people are doing something…
An African-American, a Mexican-American, Jewish-American, and a white man are walking along the beach in Florida. One of them stumbles over a lamp and as he picks it up, a genie appears. The genie thanks them from freeing him from the lamp and offers them each a wish. The African-American says, "My native land has suffered from all the people stolen away by slavery. I wish for all my people to be returned to Africa to start a new age of African success." As he finishes speaking, p**..., he is gone. The Mexican-American is inspired and says, "My native land has suffered from all the people run out by the cartels and corruption. I wish for all my people to be returned to Mexico to start a new age of Mexican success." As he finishes speaking, p**..., he is gone. The Jewish-American feels the same way and says, "My native land has had my people chased out for thousands of years. I wish for all my people to be returned to Israel to start a new age of Israeli success." As he finishes speaking, p**..., he is gone. The white guy is clearly taken aback with all that has happened. He says, "Let me get this straight, all the black, mexicans, and jews are gone? Lemme get a diet coke."
Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids...
The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.
The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delegation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.
The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre. The ogre laughed and replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Jewish way
As a Jew I have a soft spot for jokes about my own people, and this is one of my favorites that isn't so well known.
A Jewish man walks into a w**.... The madame asks him what he'd like. He asks if any of the women there can have s**... "the Jewish way". Puzzled, she goes to each of the unoccupied rooms, and asks the woman inside if she's familiar with having s**... the Jewish way. Finally, they get to the last room. Inside is a p**... who's extremely talented, and is one of the most expensive in the area. She asks, "do you know how to have s**... the Jewish way? This man's looking for a woman who does". She responds, "no, I haven't. But to stay at the top of my profession, I'm always looking to improve. If you teach me how to have s**... the Jewish way, we'll do that free of charge".
The man accepts the offer, and they have s**.... She's surprised to find that it's just regular s**...! Afterwards, she asks "What were you talking about, 'the Jewish way'? You just had s**... with me, the most expensive h**... in town, for free?!" He smiles and replies, "that's the Jewish way!".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pilot to co-pilot
The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between
the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,
'I don't like Chinese..'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain,
'It was an iceberg!'
Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all f**... same.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Confession...
An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Rimini Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the n**.... So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father... she started to repay me with s**... favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
The Trids and the Giant
Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for a giant that lived on the mountain. The giant would often terrorize the Trids.
The Trids, tired of the giant, sent a group led by the community's minister to reason with the giant. But before they could even say one word the giant kicked them down the mountain. The Trids thought maybe this was because the giant was Catholic, so they sent another group, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached, the giant once again kicked them all down the mountain.
The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the giant was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they asked a rabbi of a different community for help. The Rabbi led a group of Trids up the mountain. The giant saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, knowing the giant's past, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the giant. The giant laughed and replied
"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the difference between Jamaicans and Jewish people?
Their reaction when someone asks if they want to get baked.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jewish guy goes to his rabbi . . .
. . . he asks, "I don't get it. If we're the chosen people, why did God make the goys?"
The rabbi shrugs and say, "Hey . . . somebody's gotta pay retail."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I may be Jesus. Because today, I realized he and I have something crazy in common...
See I have a tattoo on my back of a Cross. I will be walking around until I did with a Cross on my back. "Okay, A lot of people have Cross tattoos on their back, why do you think you are Jesus?"
Well, the tattoo artist who caused all the pain and put the Cross on my back was Jewish...Crazy right. My name is Jeff, so I always say, "What Would Jefus do?"
Saw this movie about Jewish people this afternoon..
It had a hollow cast.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Why do Jewish people love smoking w**...?
Getting baked runs in the family.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Rabbi and priest are sitting together on a plane
They immediately hit it off and are having a lively discussion when their meals are served. The priest notices the rabbi's kosher meal and asks,
" I know that Jewish people do not eat any pork, but I was wondering if you have ever tasted bacon?"
The rabbi answers, " when we were little, my parents were not religious, and I have to admit, we ate bacon! Along the same lines, have you ever had s**... relations?"
The priest pauses and lowers his head. " When I was a teenager, I was quite the wild one, and I have to admit, it's better than bacon."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So this Jewish rabbi
is tired of where he lives. He lives in New York City and everyday he hears stories about crime and sees drug deals and people getting mugged. One day he has finally had enough, and he packs up his things and leaves. He goes to the airport and tells the clerk to give him a random ticket to anywhere. He flies for a long time and arrives to the land of Sneed where are the people are called Snids. Things are going great until a week after he got there and he sees this giant ogre giving all the Snids in the land of Sneed a good kick. This continues and one day the rabbi goes over to the ogre and says "Mr. ogre why don't you kick me? I live here too and i think we should all be treated equally." The ogre responds, "SILLY RABBI! KICKS ARE FOR SNIDS!"
What's the difference between Jewish people and Harry Potter?
Harry can survive the Chamber.
A short collection of jokes....
Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: homework!!!
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
Why is there no mexican olympics? Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already across the boarder..
Q: Why do Jewish men get circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off.
Boy:say me
Girl:me
Boy: you forgot the d
Girl: there's no d in me
Boy: not yet there isnt :)
One day while in a bank, an old lady asked if i could help her check her balance... so i pushed her over
Failed my biology test today:
They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"
Apparently "black people" wasnt the correct answer
Enjoy and post some funny ones i can havea laugh at...
Two pilots
A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."
"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!"
"No, no", the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah" That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you're all alike."
There's a few minutes of silence....
"I no rike Jews." the copilot suddenly announces.
"Oh yeah, why not?" Asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic." says the co-pilot.
"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain "It was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , Gilberg, nomattah...all same."
I teach High School Machine Tool and Die, and was quite impressed with a students response to another student passing gas.
I walked into the room and asked who passed gas. After a bit of blaming each other one student said "Who ever it was should apologize to Ben."
I asked "why is that".
He said "Because Ben's people have been gassed enough". And yes, Ben is Jewish...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Jewish people use to power their cars?
Oy!-L
The Pope is walking through the streets of Vatican City...
... and he sees two beggars holding up cans for money. One of them is holding up a Christian cross, and the other a Star of David. The Pope sees that the one with the cross is, of course, getting much more money than the one with the Star of David, with some people only giving money to the Christian to spite the Jew. The Pope decides he has to intervene.
So he taps the Jew gently on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me. I noticed that you didn't have anything in your tin and I wanted to point out that in Vatican City, begging for money with a Star of David isn't a very good method of getting any, especially with a man with a cross next to you. Perhaps you should try a different city?"
The Jewish man laughs out loud, shocking the Pope. He turns to the Christian and exclaims, "Hey Abraham! Look who's trying to teach the Goldberg brothers marketing!"
A lot of people don't know this, but one of the greatest basketball players of all time was Jewish
He was known as Shekel o'Neal
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why can't you make a movie with with Jewish people smoking w**...?
You can't show a group of Jews getting baked
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A man walks into a bar and sees h**......
A man walks into a bar and sees h**....
"Hey, is that h**...?" he asks the bartender.
"Yeah that's Adolf and his right hand man. Have a cold beer and go introduce yourself!"
The man gets a nice cold bottle from the bartender and makes his way over to h**....
"Hello Adolf."
"How are you?" Adolf asks.
"Good, what are you doing?"
h**...'s right hand man chimes in. "We are going over plans for World War III."
"Ah, what are your plans for it?" the bar visiting man asks.
"Well, we will kill 1 million Jews and 1 bicycle repair man," Adolf's right hand man answers.
"Why are you going to kill a bicycle repair man?" asks the man.
h**... becomes excited and turns to his right hand man.
"Ha! See? I told you nobody would care about the Jews."
--
The Holocaust is a terrible thing. This is a terrible joke. However, it has made people laugh, even Jewish people because it is very unexpected. I have no issue with Jewish men or women.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Why are Jewish people so smart?
Because they have spent so much time concentrating.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Convert today! $5000
Two elderly Jewish men were walking along when they came across a sign "Convert today! $5000." One of the men was interested and said he was going to see what it was all about. His friend had no interest and said he would wait on a bench. After 8 hours finally the man returns from the church.
"What happened that took forever?"
"Well the priest sat me down and explained to me all the things I have been doing wrong in my life. I realized he was right and I have converted."
"Yea yea but what about the $5000?"
"Jesus Christ is that all you people think about?"
A Jewish man lost his bike...
and went to his rabbi for advice. "Next week come to services and sit in the front row," the rabbi tells the man, "and when we recite the Ten Commandments, turn around and look at the people behind you. When we get to 'Thou shalt not steal,' see who can't look you in the eyes. That's your guy." After the next service, the rabbi is curious to learn whether his advice had worked or not. "So, did it work?" he asked the man. "Like a charm," the man answered. "The moment we got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I had left my bike!"
A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn
A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland.
When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do.
Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the rabbi.
The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.
Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.
The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't know why some people are so against jokes about the n**...'s
They kill in the Jewish communities
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A Jewish guy walks into a bar. The Chinese bartender asks him his name...
"I'm Max Goldberg", he says, "what's yours?"
"I'm Wei Zhang, it's nice to meet you."
Mr. Goldberg says, "I'll never forgive you people for b**... Pearl Harbor."
"I'm Chinese. That was the Japanese."
"Chinese, Japanese, all the same to me."
Mr. Zhang says, "I'll never forgive you people for sinking the Titanic."
"I'm Jewish, that was an iceberg."
"Goldberg, iceberg, all the same to me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's it called when Jewish people have s**... in a church?
Sinagogue.
Man dies and goes to heaven, filled with rooms he hears a party behind each door is happening.
St. Peter (or whoever the afterlife tour guide is) took him to the first door and opened it. The room was full of Muslims welcoming the man to come in and join them.
Passing they moved on to the next door to find a room full of Jewish people celebrating the afterlife.
Next a room of Buddhists - all calling for the man to come in and join the splendor of the afterlife.
The next room, however, is passed by as St Peter whispers, "shhhh just skip that one. It's the Christians, they think they're the only ones here."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As a man of Jewish descent
As a man of Jewish descent I don't like jokes about us Jews.
I think they often cement prejudices and misinterpretations of the Jewish people and culture.
But every now and then even I enjoy a good laugh and feel that I shouldn't be so serious about everything.
So I have a very good joke about the holocaust here if anyone wants to buy it?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do rioting jewish people throw?
Mazel tov cocktails
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I don't think most people realize that being Jewish grants you some perks...
Like free gas.
I don't see a lot of Jewish people.
Its almost as if they're going extinct
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My best joke.
During the second world war there was a camp leader who out of the kindness of his heart rescued 160 Jewish people and provided them with warmth, shelter, bottles of water and loaves and loaves of bread. You think this was a kind gesture? You should of seen h**...; he made 6 million Jews toast!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Where do Jewish people go to save money on bulk food?
Holocaust-co.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does pokemon and jewish people have in common?
They both hate crammed spaces.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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An old Jew is sitting on a park bench
reading Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His friend Harry walks by, stops, and says, "Irv, what are you doing reading that paper? You should be reading The Jewish Journal.'"
Irv says, "'The Jewish Journal' has stories about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel...all kinds trouble for Jewish people. I like to read good news."
Harry says, "What good news could possibly be in that paper?"
Irv says, "Well, Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money, the Jews control the banks, the Jews control the press, the Jews control Hollywood. See? It's all good news."
There are three truths in religion:
1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Jewish men are walking down the street.
They notice a sign outside a church that reads, "$200 to covert to Christianity."
One of them asks, "Well, you want to give it a shot?"
"Nah", the other responds.
"I'm not really religious anyway; I'll take their money" says the first.
An hour goes by and he comes walks back out and sees his friend waiting by the doors. "Did you go through with it?" the friend asks.
"Yup."
"So? Did you get the money?" asks the friend.
"Is that really all you people think about?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A jewish man walks down the street
He is approached by a native american man who aggresively states
"Your people stole my land!" The jew, knowing that this is incorrect, defends himself.
"i'm not white, i'm jewish, you see," he began, "My family fled here from germany in 1943", but was cut short by the native american.
"My house was taken by the bank"
Once Apon a time, the Chief samurai of the land was sick, and needed to chose his successor
Only three people singled up. A Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish samurai.
The Japanese Samurai went first. He opened a box with a fly in it. With one swipe of his blade, the fly fell done, cut in two.
The Chinese Samurai went next. He opened another box with a fly in it. With two swipes of his blade, the fly fell down, cut in four.
Lastly, the Jewish samurai went. He opened the last box with a fly in it. He swiped once, but the fly still flew.
What was that? The fly is still alive
Of course! The purpose of circumcision is not to kill...
People often ask me what's the difference between being a Jew and being Jewish. If you're a Jew, you're born into the ethnicity, and you probably practice the religion. If you're just religious, you're only kind of a Jew
You're Jew*ish*.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do Jewish people hate all the letters in the alphabet except the last one?
Because they're all n**... (not Z's).
Two homeless are on the street in front of the Vatican...
One has a big cross and the other a star of David. The pope sees them and stops his whole entourage to go speak to them. He says to the beggar under the star of David, "my son this is a Catholic country. You're never going to get any charity with this Jewish emblem above you, especially as the fellow right next to you has a cross above him. In fact, I'll bet some people would give to him purely to spite you."
The one beggar turns to the other and says, "hey Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldberg brothers about marketing!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old Jewish joke. Original is in Yiddish.
A Rabbi and a Priest are sitting on a bench in front of church. They have bowls in front of them to collect money and as the parishioners exit the church they leave some change and bills for the Priest and give the Rabbi dirty looks.
After some time one of the parishioners takes pity on the Rabbi and walks up to him and says "Rabbi, I think you may be at the wrong venue. This is a church so the people here will only give money to the priest".
Upon hearing this the rabbi then turns to the priest sitting next to him and says "Moish, this guy's trying to tell us how to do business".
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Italian went to church to admit his sins.
When the father opened the confessional's window, man stated talking:
-Father, I have done sin. During ww2 in my neighborhood lived a very beautiful Jewish girl, who asked if I could hide her from the Germans.
Father answered:
-Well, that's bravery and not sin.
The man continued:
-But it wasn't just that. I started to collect "rent" in form of s**.... First once a week, but eded up to every day and twice on Sundays.
Father said:
-That time meny people surely did the same. Thus your sins are forgiven and you are free to go home.
The man still continued:
-Father, I still have one question. Should I tell the woman, that the war is over.
Some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish
Of course he was Jewish 30 years old single
living with his parents,
working in his father's business,
his mother thought he was gods gift
Give it up oh course he was Jewish
- Robin Williams obm
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rabbi and a priest are discussing their dreams
"I dreamt of the jewish heaven the other night" says the priest "It was horrible, a slum overflowing with people! It was chaos, I tell you, all the people talking and walking around! And making so much noise... Thank God I woke up from that nightmare!"
"Interesting" says the rabbi "The other night I dreamt of the christian heaven. It was the perfect neighbourhood, every house was impeccable, with well-kept lawns and streets!"
"And how were the people?" asks the priest
"People?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Jewish guys are walking down the street...
Two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they spot a sign outside a church: "Today Only: Convert to Christianity and we will give you 100 bucks cash!"
"I'm gonna do it," o**... tells the other and disappears through the church door.
5 minutes later he's back. "Well, Did you get the cash?" his buddy asks.
"Jeez Is that all you people think about?" comes the friend's reply.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jewish man and a Chinese man were talking.
The Chinese man is proudly telling the Jewish man about his heritage. We can trace our history back for over 3,000 years, he exclaims with pride!
We'll, that's very impressive, replies the Jewish man, but our history goes back for almost 6,000 years!
The Chinese man, after some consideration, says to the Jewish man, Well, that doesn't make any sense. What did you people eat back then?
