Jewish Mother Jokes
67 jewish mother jokes and hilarious jewish mother puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about jewish mother that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Jewish Mother Short Jokes
Short jewish mother jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jewish mother humour may include short jewish mom jokes also.
- How does a Jewish mother change a lightbulb? "No, that's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark."
- How many Jewish Mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh don't worry about me I'll just sit here in the dark. It's not like I need light to sit here all alone by myself.
- How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light-bulb? None. Don't worry about me, I'll just sit here in the dark.
- How many jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? "no, it's ok, leave your poor mother in the dark..."
- What is the greatest dilemma for a Jewish mother? She finds out her son is gay, but is dating a doctor.
- The first Jewish President is being sworn in His mother is in the audience, she turns to the man sitting beside her and says "See my son up there? Well, his brother is a doctor!"
- Jewish mothers How does a Jewish mother change a lightbulb?
*Exasperated sigh* No it's fine, I'll just sit here in the dark! - What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? Eventually the Rottweiler lets go.
- What do a Jewish mother-in-law and 60 Minutes have in common? They both always start with tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk...
- Odessa. A Jewish Mother stands on the balcony and shouts: – Arkasha! Home!
The son shouts back:
– Am I cold?
– No! You're hungry!
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Jewish Mother One Liners
Which jewish mother one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jewish mother? I can suggest the ones about jewish women and jewish wife.
- A waiter checks on a table of Jewish mothers and asks: Is anything ok?
- What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers? Is *anything* okay?!
- Why are so many doctors Jewish? Because their mothers are.
- How do Jewish mothers prevent wrinkles? Oil of Oy Vey.
- Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
- What is a Genius? An C student with a Jewish mother
Rib-Tickling Jewish Mother Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about jewish mother you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean old jewish jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make jewish mother pranks.
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
An Italian mother says, "If you don't eat all the food on this plate, I'll kill you." A Jewish mother says, "If you don't eat all the food on this plate, I'll kill myself."
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
An Italian mother says, "If you don't eat all the food on this plate, I'll kill you." A Jewish mother says, "If you don't eat all the food on this plate, I'll kill myself."
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
The Inauguration of the First Jewish President.
The first Jewish President has just been elected, and is being sworn in. One man in the audience is watching him take the oath, when he realizes he is sitting next to the President's mother.
She turns to him and says,
"You see that man up there, the one with his hand on the book repeating the sentences?"
"Yeah?" He responds
"His brother's a doctor"
Mona Lisa's Mother
If Mona Lisa's mother were Jewish, she would have said: "Mona, bubbeleh, after all the money your father and I spent on your brace, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a t**...?
You can negotiate with terrorists.
A Frenchman has a wife and a lover
He loves his lover the most.
An Englishman has a wife and a lover, he loves his wife the most.
A Jewish man has a wife and a lover, he loves his mother the most.
GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a v**... and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead; He had to get up because there was still work to do.
God enjoys a good laugh!!
(found on my FB newsfeed)
**There were three good arguments that Jesus was Black:**
* He called everyone brother;
* He liked Gospel;
* He didn't get a fair trial.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:**
* He went into His Father's business;
* He lived at home until he was 33;
* He was sure his Mother was a v**... and his Mother was sure He was God.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:**
* He talked with His hands;
* He had wine with His meals;
* He used olive oil.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:**
* He never cut His hair;
* He walked around barefoot all the time;
* He started a new religion.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:**
* He was at peace with nature;
* He ate a lot of fish;
* He talked about the Great Spirit.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:**
* He never got married;
* He was always telling stories;
* He loved green pastures.
**But the most compelling evidence of all - three proofs that Jesus was a woman:**
* He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food;
* He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it;
* And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.
Can I get an AMEN!!
Oldie but goodie: A Jewish man and an Italian woman got married.
Both were virgins, and both were so innocent when it came to the subject of s**.... On the wedding night, they just weren't sure how it all works. So the man decided to call his mother to get a few pointers. But she simply says, "Look, son, just get undressed, then undress her. You'll know what to do. Trust me."
The newlyweds get undressed, but they are still confused. So the man calls his mother again. Frustrated, she says, "Just stick the longest part of you into the hairiest part of her!"
A few minutes later, the mother's phone rings again.
"I've got my nose in her armpit. Now what?"
The Jewish Husband
A young boy comes home from school. He's bursting with excitement.
"Mom," he says. "I got a part in the school play!"
"That's great!" his mother exclaims. "What part are you playing?"
"I'm playing a Jewish husband," the boy says.
Suddenly his mother is FURIOUS. "What?!" she screams. "You go back and tell them you want a speaking part!"
Since we seem to be doing Jewish jokes...
An old Jewish man is on his death bead, surrounded by his loving family, and preparing to move into the Olam Habah.
While he's lying there, he smells a delicious smell and immediately recognizes it as his wife's delicious apple pie.
He whispers to his eldest daughter:
"Sarah, my time has almost come. Would you mind doing me one last favor?"
Sarah replies: "Of course, Abba. What do you want?"
"I want you to go into the other room and get me one last slice of your mother's delicious apple pie"
So Sarah runs off to get a slice of the pie.
She comes back a few minutes later and says "mom says it's for the f**...."
The first Jewish president
On his first day in office, he calls his mother.
"Mom, you really have to come out to DC and check out the white house, it is amazing. Rachel and I would love to have you over.
" Out there, with all the g**...? Its too busy for me."
"How's about a weekend at camp david. Its really nice and quiet, and its got a nice Jewish name."
"Alright, I got to go, but I'll discuss with your father." She hangs up with her son and the ladies at her bridge table ask, "so who was that?"
"Oh it was my son" the ladies with excitement squeal "The doctor?"
"No," she sighs. "The other one."
Two Jewish mothers are at lunch...
During the meal, one of the mothers says to her friend, "I have some distressing news. I sent my son to Israel to become a better Jew, but he came back a Christian."
Her friend looks up in surprise and says, "Funny story! I also sent my son to Israel to become a better Jew, and he came back a Christian! Let us go and talk to the Rabbi."
The two mothers stroll down to the local synagogue and lay their problems before the Rabbi, whom, upon hearing their Lamentations replies, "Funny story! I also sent my son to Israel to become a Jew, and he came back a Christian! Let us pray for guidance."
The three of them kneel in prayer, and are answered by the voice of God: "What troubles you, my children?" He says.
"Father," says the Rabbi, "Each of us sent our sons to Israel to become better Jews, and each of them has become a Christian."
To which God replies:
"Funny story..."
How do you know Jesus was Jewish?
He lived at home until he was 30.
He went into his fathers business.
He thought his mother was a v**..., and his mother thought he was god.
A Jewish man is elected president...
Soon after, he calls up his mother to tell her the good news. "Mom, did you hear, I've been elected president!" "Oh, T
That's so great to hear, darling. I'm so proud of you!"
"So," asks the man, "you'll be coming out for the inauguration, right?" "I'm not sure," says his mother, "D.C. is so cold this time of year." "I'm the president, mom. I can arrange for you to get any sweater you want."
"I'm still not sure," continues his mother, "flying across the country is such a hassle." "Mom, I'll have you flown out here on Air Force One. It'll be no trouble to you." Finally, his mother agrees.
The day of the inaguration rolls around, and his mother is seated between the Vice President and the Secretary of State. As the man is being sworn in, his mother nudges the vice president.
"You see that boy up there? The one with his hand on the Bible? His brother's a doctor. "
A Jewish man is turning 40 years old...
So his mother decides to send him 2 neckties. On his birthday, she calls him.
"Happy Birthday, son!" "Thanks, mom." Replies the man.
"Did you get the ties I sent you?" Asks his mother. "Yes," says the man, "in fact I'm wearing one right now." "So what's wrong with the other one?"
Dear Father, I've sinned
A man walks into the confessional and says
'Dear Father, I've sinned, I've slept with a mother and daughter at the same time.'
And the priest says 'thank you my son, may I ask how long its been since your last confession'
'I've never been to a confession, I'm Jewish'
so the priests asks 'Then why are you telling me?'
'Because I'm telling everyone'.
UNAPPRECIATED HANUKKAH GIFT
A Jewish guy's mother gives him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visits her, he makes sure to wear one.
As he walks into the house, his mother frowns and asks, "What -- you didn't like the other one?"
How do you know what kind of Jewish wedding you're at?
At an orthodox wedding, the mother of the bride is pregnant.
At a conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant.
At a reform wedding, the rabbi is pregnant!
Seven Jewish mothers are sitting in a restaurant...
and a waiter comes and asks: ''I'm sorry ladies, is *anything* all right?''
Jewish boy comes home from school and his mother and tells her he got in the school play. She asked him, "what part are you playing?" He said, "the husband!"
The mother grew furious and said, "you march right back there and demand they give you a speaking part."
People say to me Jesus was not Jewish
## I say ofcourse he was Jewish
+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift
## He's Jewish. Give it up
****
_by Robin Williams_
Happy Birthday Robin!
What is the difference between a Conservative Jewish wedding, an Orthodox Jewish wedding, and a Reform Jewish wedding?
At a Conservative wedding the bride is pregnant.
At an Orthodox wedding the bride's mother is pregnant.
At a Reform wedding the rabbi is pregnant.
How to tell if Jesus was Jewish.
- Jesus was unmarried until he was 30.
- Jesus inherited his father's business.
- Jesus thought his mother was a god.
- Jesus believed his mother was v**....
Most people say Jesus isn't Jewish...
But he is. 30, single, living with his parents, working his father's job and his mother saying he's the son of God, of course he's Jewish.
A Jewish man's mother-in-law is in court for stealing a bag of oranges...
The judge says, Well, since you stole 6 oranges, your punishment is 6 nights in jail, one for each orange. Immediately the Jewish Man jumps up out of his seat and yells, WAIT! The whole room is shocked. What is it? Do you not feel that this is a fair punishment? Asks the judge. Oh No. I think it's very fair. I just wanted to add that she stole a bag of peas as well...
You hear about the Jewish Mother Doll?
You pull the string and it rolls it eyes and says, "AGAIN with the string?"
The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.
The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.
"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."
"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."
"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"
"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."
"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."
"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"
"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"
She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.
"Who was that?"
"My son."
*gasp* "The doctor??"
"No, the other one."
Jewish man calls his mom. "Mama, I have good news and bad news..."
Mother, ever the optimist: "Give me the bad news."
Man: "I can't live a lie anymore. I'm gay."
Mother, a traditional conservative woman, after the wailing and the gnashing of teeth that was expected of her by her son, regains her composure and asks: "Well, what's the good news?"
Man: "So I met this nice Jewish doctor..."
Waiter
Q: What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A: "Is *anything* all right?"
A Jewish man calls his mother...
And asks, "Hi Mom! How are you?"
Not so good...not so good." Comes the feeble reply.
"Why, are you sick?
"No...I'm healthy."
"Have you been sleeping alright?"
"Yes...I get a full 8 hours." she answers.
"Have you eaten yet today?"
"Well, no...Actually, now that I think of it...I haven't eaten anything at all in five days..."
"Mom, are you crazy??" He shouts. "Why haven't you eaten in 5 days?"
"Well...I didn't want to have food in my mouth, in case you should call."
An old Jewish mother complains to her friend, "My son Joey converted to Christianity."
Her friend says, "My God, my Eddy also converted! What can we do about it?"
The first woman responds, "The only thing we can do is pray."
So, the two of them head to the synagogue, where they sit down with prayer books and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. After a few minutes, they hear a booming voice coming out of nowhere.
"How am I supposed to help?" God says, irritated. "My son converted to Christianity too!"
Did you hear the one about the Jewish baby?
Well.. he wasn't ACTUALLY Jewish, but at birth, he was accidentally sewn together at the hip with his mother.
Here's a classic jewish joke.
A mother brings her son two new ties as a birthday gift for her adult son. Later, in the evening the two meet for dinner and the son is wearing one of the ties. His mother takes one look at him and says, You didn't like the other tie?
Jewish mother goes to the airport
to meet her daughter, who was returning from a summer abroad. The daughter gets off the plane hand-in-hand with a 7' tall Zulu warrior, with a bone through his hair and nose.
The mother yells at her "I said a *rich* doctor!"
The first female president is being sworn in.
Her Jewish mother is sitting in the second row next to a Supreme Court Justice, watching. The judge leans over and says, "Madam, you must be VERY proud."
The mother says, "Well, you see that girl with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor."
Some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish
Of course he was Jewish 30 years old single
living with his parents,
working in his father's business,
his mother thought he was gods gift
Give it up oh course he was Jewish
- Robin Williams obm
Weddings by Christian denomination [super-dated but still funny]
At a Catholic wedding, the bride is pregnant.
At a m**... wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.
At a United Church wedding, the minister is pregnant.
At a Unitarian wedding, the minister and her wife are both pregnant.
*Adapted poorly from a joke about Jewish denominations.*
A Jewish mother walks by a planned parenthood and sees a protestor who's sign says life begins at conception
She goes up to the man and says that may be true of Christian babies, but a Jewish fetus isn't viable until it graduates medical school!
A Jewish woman wants her son to have a bris but her Christian husband is against it
She goes against his wishes and has a secret bris.
The husband shows up unannounced and everyone in the synagogue is in shock.
The mother gasps, "How did you know?!"
The father replies "I could see it coming a mohel away."
You know how we know Jesus was Jewish?
He lived with his parents until his was 30.
He worked for his father.
His mother treated him like a god.
And he still thinks his mother was a v**....
Another Jewish mother...
A Jewish guy calls his mother in Florida.
"Hi, Mom. How have you been?"
"Not so good. I've been feeling weak."
"Weak? Why are you feeling weak?"
"I haven't eaten for 28 days!"
"Twenty-eight days?! Why? What's wrong?"
"I didn't want my mouth to be full of food in case you should call."
