Jewish Money Jokes
60 jewish money jokes and hilarious jewish money puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about jewish money that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Jewish Money Short Jokes
Short jewish money jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jewish money humour may include short jew money jokes also.
- Money money money A jewish boy said to his father, "Dad, can I borrow $50 dollars?" His father replied, "$40 dollars!? What do you need $30 dollars for!?"
- Son asks for money A young jewish son asks his dad for $5 dollars.
The dad responds shocked, "$4 dollars? What do you need $3 dollars for?" - Son asks Jewish dad for money Son: Dad, can you give me fifty dollars?
Dad: Fourty dollars? Why do you need thirty dollars? Here, take twenty and split it with your sister. - A Jewish kid tells his father he saved some money... Kid: "Dad I saved $3 by running behind the bus after school today"
Dad: "Next time run behind a taxi, you'll save more" - A little Jewish boy asks his father if he can borrow 50 dollars. His dad says, "50 dollars?! Why the heck do you need 40 dollars? 30 dollars is a LOT of money!"
- A Jewish kid asks his dad for money He asks his dad for 10 dollars.
His dad replies, "8 dollars? What do you need 5 dollars for?" - A Jewish kid asks his dad for money... The kid says to his dad, "Dad, I need to borrow fifty dollars."
His dad replies, "Forty dollars! What do you wanna borrow thirty dollars for?!?!" - People always complain that Jewish people have all the money. Well if 6 million of your people died, you'd expect at least some inheritance
- A Jewish kid asked his dad for $20... Dad: What? 15 bucks?! That's a lot of money, what do you need $10 for? Fine!! Here's the $5.
- A Jewish boy asks his father for money.. Boy: Dad, I need $5.
Father: $4? What do you need $3 for?
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Jewish Money One Liners
Which jewish money one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jewish money? I can suggest the ones about jews and money and jewish people.
- Why arent There Many jewish gardeners? Because money doesnt grow on trees
- "Why do Jewish men wear yamakas?" "Half a hat, saves money."
#OldWhiteManSays - Why do Jewish women use gold diaphragms? Because they like to come into money.
- What product do Jewish boys use most of their money on? Lotion
- One lesson I learnt from borrowing money off jewish loan sharks. Always pay your dues.
- Where do Jewish people go to save money on bulk food? Holocaust-co.
- What do you say to a beggar who's wearing a Star of David? "Jewish I'd give you money."
- So a Jewish boy asks his dad for some money...
- Why is it called being Jewish? Because joo wish you had all dis money
- How can you tell Porky Pig isn't Jewish? He's bad with money.
Howlingly Hilarious Jewish Money Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about jewish money you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean old jewish jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make jewish money pranks.
So a Jewish family has a baby!
It's a beautiful baby boy, and they love him very much. The dad wants to know, however, what the little boy will grow up to be like. So he takes the baby to the Rabbi, who says that there's a simple test. On a long table, the Rabbi places a stack of money, a bottle of whiskey, and a Torah. "If your son crawls to the money, he'll have a good job as a banker, and take care of you and your wife until you're dead and gone. If he goes for the whiskey, he's no good, a drunk, might as well drop him at the orphanage on the way home for all the good he'll do you. Finally, if he picks up the Torah, he'll be a Rabbi like me. A good, honest, man of God."
So the father puts the baby on the table, and the baby picks up the money. "YAY!" they cheer, as the baby starts crawling again. Now, the Rabbi looks worried. The baby now picks up the bottle of whiskey with its other hand. "Oh no" says the Rabbi. They then watch as the baby crawls again, and also picks up the Torah. "NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!" the Rabbi cries. "WHAT IS IT??? What's wrong with my son?!?!" the father panicks.
"I'm so so sorry, but your son is going to be the worst thing of all!" says the Rabbi. "Your son is going to be a Catholic!"
[
Convert Today! Earn $5000.
(More Jewish inspired jokes)
These two rabbis are walking down the street. As they're walking, they pass a church with a large banner hanging above them that says across it:
CONVERT TODAY! EARN $5000.
The rabbis are perplexed by this. There is no way that this could be the real deal. They discuss and discuss some more. One rabbi finally decides he's going in and getting to the bottom of it.
A lot of time passes. The rabbi outside is starting to get worried. More time passes. The rabbi becomes more and more worried. Is it possible they're keeping him prisoner? Has he been killed? Or worse, are they force feeding him communion wafers??
The other rabbi finally comes outside. He seems altogether content with himself, and looks completely unharmed.
The rabbi that has waited so long is comforted by this, calms down, and asks the other rabbi, "So. Did you get the money?"
The other rabbi turns to him and says:
"Heh! You Jews and your money."
Mona Lisa's Mother
If Mona Lisa's mother were Jewish, she would have said: "Mona, bubbeleh, after all the money your father and I spent on your brace, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
The post about the Auschwitz survivors reminded me about this. An old jewish man...
An old Jewish man played the lottery every day, and finally after a lifetime of buying tickets, he wins big. The very first thing he bought was a giant golden statue of Adolf h**... and put it on display in his front lawn.
Of course, the man became a local celebrity. He just won the lottery and everyone was coming by his house to congratulate him. A local news reporter stopped by and asked the old man, "Sir, congratulations on winning so much money! But I have to ask... What's with the giant statue of h**... on your front lawn?
The old man smiles... he rolls up his sleeve, reveals his forearm and says "Well... he DID give me the winning numbers.
(Yeah, I see you cringing)
The Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived
One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!"
The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!"
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either."
Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50 cents.
As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, but business is business."
Two Jews during the depression
Two Jewish guys are liking for work during the depression. They come across a atholic church that has a sign saying , "get saved; convert and receive $25".
One if the guys says, "my children are starving, I need that money" and goes in the church. His buddy waits for him and about am hour later he comes out. His buddy immediately ask, "did you get the money" to which the new follower of Christ responds, "is that all you people think about?"
My wife is always asking for money
Two old Jewish guys are discussing their wives and how they spend so much.
"My wife is always asking for money." says o**.... "Yesterday she asked for $100. The days before $75. The days before that $150. It never ends."
"What does she do with all that money?" asked his friend.
"I don't know." said the first guy.I never give her any."
The Pope and the Rabbi (not the apple one)
The Pope is walking down a street in London, when the heel breaks off his shoe. He looks around, and sees two shops advertising shoe repair. Looking closer, he sees a star of David on the wall in one, and a crucifix in the other. He thinks for a moment, and decides he'll go into the Jewish run shop, and do a little something for the relationship between the two faiths.
They're a bit surprised when the Pope walks in, but treat him well and do a really nice repair for him. When they're done, they refuse his money but ask if they can put a sign up saying he was a customer. He agrees, and goes on his way. The following day, the Jewish run shop has a sign in the window; "Cobblers to the Pope."
The day after that, the Christian shop has a sign in the window; "b**... to the chief Rabbi."
.
[I'll get my coat...]
An old Jewish couple is going to bed
The husband can't fall asleep, so his wife asks him:
- Abraham, why can't you fall asleep?
The husband responds:
- I owe Binyamin a lot of money, and I don't think I can give it back in time.
The wife is annoyed, picks up a phone and dials a number on it:
-Hello, Binyamin? Abraham is not going to give the money back!
Then she abruptly hangs the phone, and says:
- If we are not sleeping, he is not sleeping!
Two Jewish homeless guys
are down and out and just walking down the street when one of the men spots a sign on the Catholic Church and says, Look at that! The sign reads, Convert to Catholic and make $10. The other guy says, I don't know about that. Well I do says the other. I need the money. So the one goes inside and the other, with nothing to do, kicks back on the curb. After an hour and a half the guy comes back out of the church.
So what happened? asks his friend.
I converted, I'm a Catholic now.
Well, did ya get the ten dollars? asks the friend.
IS THAT ALL YOU PEOPLE THINK ABOUT?
The Pope is walking through the streets of Vatican City...
... and he sees two beggars holding up cans for money. One of them is holding up a Christian cross, and the other a Star of David. The Pope sees that the one with the cross is, of course, getting much more money than the one with the Star of David, with some people only giving money to the Christian to spite the Jew. The Pope decides he has to intervene.
So he taps the Jew gently on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me. I noticed that you didn't have anything in your tin and I wanted to point out that in Vatican City, begging for money with a Star of David isn't a very good method of getting any, especially with a man with a cross next to you. Perhaps you should try a different city?"
The Jewish man laughs out loud, shocking the Pope. He turns to the Christian and exclaims, "Hey Abraham! Look who's trying to teach the Goldberg brothers marketing!"
Why did the rich Irish woman want to marry a Jewish man?
Because she always dreamed of Dublin her money.
Why did the old Jewish couple stay unhappily married for 50 years?
Divorce proceedings cost money
My grandpa told me this one!
One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy, Adam, raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Adam. Come up here, and I'll give you your $2."
As the teacher was giving Adam his money, she said, "You know, Adam, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." "I know, Miss," Adam replied, "in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.
Two Jews at Miami Beach
Two Jewish men from New York pass each other walking down Miami beach. They see each other walking every now and then over a couple months and eventually introduce themselves and walk together. After walking for awhile the first said to the second how did you end up here in Miami. The second man told him that he owned a garment factory until there was a fire that burnt it to the ground and because he was older he decided to just keep the insurance money and retire. When the second asked the first how he came to be in Miami he told him it was a very similar story. He also had owned a garment factory until a flood destroyed it which also cause him to retire. After their talk they walked for a minute or two and the second man turns to the first and asks, how exactly do you start a flood?
An elderly Jewish woman
wins the lottery, $30 million after taxes. She goes to her Rabbi to discuss what to do with the money.
She first says, "I'd like to spend $10 million on myself and my family."
The Rabbi replies, "It would be good to enjoy your winnings, and family is important."
She then says she'd like to donate another $10 million to the synagogue and the charity they run, since the synagogue has always been there for her, she'd like to give back.
The Rabbi says they could always use the money.
Then she says "I'd like to spend the last $10 million on a ten-foot golden statue of Adolf h**...."
Naturally the Rabbi is quite horrified. "Why would you want to memorialize such a monster?" he cries.
She rolls up her sleeve and responds, "He gave me the winning numbers."
Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church.
Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends meet again in front of the same church, and one of them confides to the other: "I still wonder if that offer is serious." the other replies condescendingly: "Ah you Jews, all you think about is money!"
A jewish man's wife dies
So he decides to place an obituary in the newspaper, and phones their agent.
"Just put 'Sarah died' in the paper."
"But Sir, for the same money of only one line, you can add another four words!"
"Oh. Let me think about that.."
He phones back a few minutes later and says
"Put in the paper: 'Sarah died. Toyota Corolla for sale' .."
What makes the Jewish Monopoly game so much harder than the original?
Because the banker starts with all the money and never gives it away.
Jewish guy runs home from work, panting and trying to catch his breath.
He plops down at the kitchen table, where his wife was cooking dinner.
Wife asks, "What happened Motek? Why are you so exhausted?"
Guy says with a huge smile, "Chooki, instead of taking the bus home from work today, I ran all the way behind it and saved $2.50!"
He was extremely proud of himself and thought his wife would be happy with him for saving money.
Instead his wife screams, " Ben-zona! Why didn't you run behind a taxi, and save $15?!"
A jewish son asks his father for money.
The son goes up to his father and asks, "Dad, can I borrow twenty dollars?"
His fathers responds, "Fifteen dollars?! What are you gunna do with ten dollars?!"
An old Jew is sitting on a park bench
reading Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His friend Harry walks by, stops, and says, "Irv, what are you doing reading that paper? You should be reading The Jewish Journal.'"
Irv says, "'The Jewish Journal' has stories about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel...all kinds trouble for Jewish people. I like to read good news."
Harry says, "What good news could possibly be in that paper?"
Irv says, "Well, Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money, the Jews control the banks, the Jews control the press, the Jews control Hollywood. See? It's all good news."
Two Jewish men are walking down the street.
They notice a sign outside a church that reads, "$200 to covert to Christianity."
One of them asks, "Well, you want to give it a shot?"
"Nah", the other responds.
"I'm not really religious anyway; I'll take their money" says the first.
An hour goes by and he comes walks back out and sees his friend waiting by the doors. "Did you go through with it?" the friend asks.
"Yup."
"So? Did you get the money?" asks the friend.
"Is that really all you people think about?"
A Jewish boy asks his father for some money to go on a date...
The boy says "Dad, can I have $50 to take my girlfriend to dinner and a movie?"
The dad says "$30? what do you need $20 dollars for? Fine, here's $10. Make sure you give me the change back"
Jesish kids need money too
A Jewish boy asks his father for fifty dollars, to which the father replies "forty dollars, what do you need thirty dollars for?'
Two older Jewish men walked by a Catholic Church with a sign in front that said Convert today and get $100
The first man turned to the second and said $100?!? I'm going in! and walked into the church, leaving his friend to wait for him outside. When the first man came back out, the second asked, OK, so now you're Catholic but did you at least get the $100? . The first man gave him a look and said It's always about the money with you people.
An old Jewish joke. Original is in Yiddish.
A Rabbi and a Priest are sitting on a bench in front of church. They have bowls in front of them to collect money and as the parishioners exit the church they leave some change and bills for the Priest and give the Rabbi dirty looks.
After some time one of the parishioners takes pity on the Rabbi and walks up to him and says "Rabbi, I think you may be at the wrong venue. This is a church so the people here will only give money to the priest".
Upon hearing this the rabbi then turns to the priest sitting next to him and says "Moish, this guy's trying to tell us how to do business".
A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.
Two Jewish guys are walking wehn one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says ‟Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100.
The one says to the other, ‟should we do it?? The other says ‟NO!! Are you crazy? The first guy replies ‟Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I am gonna do it. So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says ‟well, did you get the money? He replies ‟Oh that's all you people think about, is not it??
An old rabbi wins the lottery
The man wins $3,000,000.00
A reporter from the local TV station comes to interview him at his house
She asks him, "Congratulations on your winning! What do you plan to do with the money?"
The old rabbi answers, "I'm giving $1,000,000 to a Jewish charity, $1,000,000 to my family, and $1,000,000 to the n**...."
The reporter, stunned beyond belief, asks the old Jewish rabbi, "Why on earth would you give money to the n**...?"
The old rabbi lifts up his sleeve, exposing his arm and says, "They gave me my lucky numbers."
A Rabbi and a Priest are found asking for money outside of a Church.
The Rabbi was wearing old, tattered clothes; the Priest was wearing nice, elegant clothing. Everyone was giving the priest money and the Rabbi didn't get any money. After a few hours, a young Jewish man walks by and says to the Rabbi, "Why are you asking for money in front of a Church? Nobody will give you any money, especially when you're wearing that kind of clothing!" The Rabbi goes up to the priest and says, "Look at this guy telling us how to run our business!"
