The Best 60 Jewish Jokes

This article is about Jewish jokes. They are often about food, money, or mother-in-laws.

Top 10 Funniest Jewish Jokes and Puns

How does a Jewish mother change a lightbulb?

"No, that's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark."

So God's getting ready to go on vaction...

And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'

The Jewish way

As a Jew I have a soft spot for jokes about my own people, and this is one of my favorites that isn't so well known.

A Jewish man walks into a whorehouse. The madame asks him what he'd like. He asks if any of the women there can have sex "the Jewish way". Puzzled, she goes to each of the unoccupied rooms, and asks the woman inside if she's familiar with having sex the Jewish way. Finally, they get to the last room. Inside is a prostitute who's extremely talented, and is one of the most expensive in the area. She asks, "do you know how to have sex the Jewish way? This man's looking for a woman who does". She responds, "no, I haven't. But to stay at the top of my profession, I'm always looking to improve. If you teach me how to have sex the Jewish way, we'll do that free of charge".

The man accepts the offer, and they have sex. She's surprised to find that it's just regular sex! Afterwards, she asks "What were you talking about, 'the Jewish way'? You just had sex with me, the most expensive hooker in town, for free?!" He smiles and replies, "that's the Jewish way!".

How does Santa know if he lands on a Jewish house?

There's a parking meter on the roof.

jokes about jewish

What is the objective of jewish football?

To get the quarter back.

Do you know why Jewish men are circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's ten percent off.

I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me".

Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

Jewish joke, I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

Why do Jewish fathers

have their sons circumcised?

They know Jewish women can't resist anything with 10% off.

Some man I just met thought I was Israeli

so I cracked the 10 lost tribes of Israel joke to him and he got gassed.

Why do jews get their penises circumcised?

Because Jewish girls won't touch anything that's not 10% off

Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 20% off.

You can explore jewish god reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean jewish worship dad jokes. There are also jewish puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

I told my buddy that Jewish people call god by a different name

He was like, "No way!"

I was like, "Yahweh"

TIL that at age 13 Jewish girls have a Bat Mitzvah and at age 15 Latina girls have a...

Baby shower.

A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."

A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining

And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

Why haven't I ever met a full blooded jew?

All of the ones I've met have just been Jew-ish

Jewish joke, Why haven't I ever met a full blooded jew?

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.ο»Ώ

This might be offensive, but what do you call a jewish pokΓ©mon trainer?

Ash.

I told my friend that Jewish people call God by a different name.

He said, "No way!", to which I replied, "Yahweh".

An Atheist...

Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."

The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? Hitler. He made over 60,000 Jews toast."

God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."

The atheist replied, "Eh, I guess you should have been there."

The little black jewish boy...

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black? The dad replies, Why do you want to know, son? Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!

I farted in front of my Jewish friend...

He glared at me.

I said, "What? A little gas never killed anyone !"

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

An old Jewish man dies.

His last wish to his son is to print an obituary. The son goes to newspaper office and asks how much they charge for an obituary. They tell him $5 per word.

He says then print "Solomon dead". The newspaper tell him they require minimum 5 words. He thinks for a moment and says, then make it "Solomon dead, wheelchair for sale".

What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer?

Ash

A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner.

Their waitress walks by and asks "Is anything alright?"

Jewish joke, A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner.

Why don't Jewish girls study on their period?

Concentration Cramps

My Jewish girlfriend got mad when I let out a fart while watching tv.

I said, honey. A little gas never hurt anyone.

Why are all Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

A Chinese guy buys a well from a Jewish guy

The next day the Chinese walks up to the well; when the Jew runs up to him and shouts, "STOP! I sold you the well; not the water!"

The Chinese guy smirks and says "That's exactly why I'm here. How could you store your water in my well and not pay rent?!"

A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl

She asked me for my number.

I told her that we usually use names.

An elderly man walks into confession and says...

Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.

The priest said, Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?

Never Father… I'm Jewish.

So then, why are you telling me?

I'm telling everybody!

1948; "Did you hear,the Jewish people finally got their own country? Is this real?" "Yes,it is real!"

My best original joke, taa daaa. !!!

There are three truths in religion:

1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

Why do Jews get Circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

I came up with this joke during lunch break: What do you call a jewish obstacle course?

Shlalom

What do you call a Jewish clown?

Pennywise

Dad peels banana...

When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...

Dad:
peels the first strip of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second strip...
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"

Me: "What happened to the Four skin"

Dad: "Jewish banana"

I was twelve and I finally figured it out....

A Jewish Black kid walks up to his dad and asks if he is more Black than Jewish.

"Why son?" The dad asks.
"Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and I was wondering if I should talk him down to $30 or just steal it."

A man goes for confession ...

The priest says Tell me son why are you here

Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.

The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?

Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.

This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.

The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?

Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?

They love anything that's 15% off

Just a joke lol

A Jewish girl asked for my number

​

I told her we use names now.

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

What are you reading, old man? he asks.

I'm learning Hebrew, comrade, replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.

I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham, replies the old man.

How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to hell? asks the KGB agent.

I already speak Russian."

Here's a classic jewish joke.

A mother brings her son two new ties as a birthday gift for her adult son. Later, in the evening the two meet for dinner and the son is wearing one of the ties. His mother takes one look at him and says, You didn't like the other tie?

A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar. Suddenly, the Jewish man punches the Chinese man in the face.

"Ow! Why did you do that?" asks he Chinese man.

"That's for Pearl Harbor," says the Jewish man.

"But the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm Chinese!" says the Chinese man.

"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" asks the Jewish man.

So the Chinese man punches the Jewish man.

"Ow! What's that for?" asks the Jewish man.

"It's for the Titanic," says the Chinese man.

"What? That was an iceberg that brought down the Titanic!" says the Jewish man.

"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading the Tehran Times

A friend sees him and says, "Oy, Moishe! How can you read that rag? Don't you know the things they say about us?"

To which the man replies, "Well, I used to read to read the Jewish papers, but they're so depressing. Every headline is 'Jews Being Persecuted!' 'Jews Living in Poverty!' 'Jews Being Oppressed!'. But now I read these Arab papers and the headlines are all 'Jews Own All the Banks!' 'Jews Control the Media!' 'Jews Run the World!'. It's much more uplifting!"

My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke

A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".

I saw 3 men standing at the urinals.

The first man, a Jewish guy, was peeing 4 streams.
"What happened to you?" I asked.

He explained "Accident at my circumcision. The rabbi had Parkinson's."

The next man, a big tough trucker, was peeing 6 streams.
"And what is your problem?" I asked.

He grunted "I had a fight with a rottweiler..."

The third man, an elderly, absent-minded looking guy, was peeing 30 streams.
"Oh my gosh, what the hell happened to you?!?" I gasped.

He looked down, then sighed.
"Oh dear, I forgot to pull down my zipper again."

A Chinese man and a Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a plane.

Suddenly, the Jewish man slaps the Chinese man across the face.

"What was that for?" asks the Chinese man..

"For Pearl Harbor" says the Jewish man.

"That was Japanese. I'm Chinese," the Chinese man says.

"Chinese, Japanese" what's the difference?

Few minutes later, the Chinese man slaps the Jewish man.

"What was that for?" asks the Jew.

"It's for the Titanic."

"The Titanic? That was an iceberg..."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?" says the Chinese man.

There no such thing a fully committed Jew.

Most of them are only Jew-ish.

Four old Jewish women are around a table at a restaurant

The waiter comes up and asks, Is ANYTHING okay?

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street...

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they spot a sign outside a church: "Today Only: Convert to Christianity and we will give you 100 bucks cash!"

"I'm gonna do it," one guy tells the other and disappears through the church door.

5 minutes later he's back. "Well, Did you get the cash?" his buddy asks.

"Jeez Is that all you people think about?" comes the friend's reply.

A man sits down next to a woman on a bus

The man starts flirting with her, and in the course of their conversation she admits that she's a nymphomaniac.

"Oh really," says the man, instantly more engaged in their conversation.

"Yeah", she confirms, "but I'm only attracted to Jewish cowboys. Anyway, my name is Mary-Beth, what's your name?"

The man shakes her hand and says, "nice to meet you, Mary-Beth, my name is Yosemite Goldstein."

​

\[cr

A 70 year old man goes to confession and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I had sex with two beautiful, 20 year old women who are not my wife".

The Priest says "I see. How long has it been since your last confession?"

The man says "I've never been to confession, I'm Jewish".

"You're Jewish?" the priest asks, puzzled. "Why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everyone!"

You'll never guess what happened to my foreskin when I went to a Jewish festival the other day?

[/removed]

A Chinese doctor has a Jewish patient.

"Listen," says the patient, "I didn't think we were going to get along so good together."

"What do you mean?"

"What do I mean! Pearl Harbor, that's what I mean!"

"What are you talking about, Pearl Harbor? I'm Chinese!"

"Yeah, well...Chinese, Japanese, it's all the same thing."

"What do you mean, all the same thing? The Jews sunk the Titanic!"

"The Jews sunk the Titanic?"

"Sure. Greenberg, Goldberg, Iceburg, all the same to me!"

A young tourist sees an old Jewish person praying in Western Wall

They approach him and ask "how long have you been praying here?"
the old man folds his Talit and answer "every day since my Bar Mitzvah so about 40 years".
"so what do you pray for?" they asked.
"for solidarity between jews around the world" he continues " for peace between muslims and jews, love and empathy between Israel and Palestine"
" and how do you feel about praying for these things for half a century?"
"like arguing with a wall" he replies.

What do you call a Jewish magician who only summons furniture?

Bench Appearo.

War

A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.

Well, answered the Priest, That's not a sin.

But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed. The Dutchman said.

The Priest replied, I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause.

The Dutchman exclaimed Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.

What is it son? ask the priest.

The Dutchman whispered Do I have to tell him the war is over?

When was Hitler gonna die?

Hitler once asked a fortuneteller "on what die am I gonna die?" She told him that he would die on a Jewish Holiday.
"Why are you so sure of that?" Demanded Hitler.
"Any day" she replied. "On which you die will be a Jewish holiday."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the jewish passover puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working jewish synagogue piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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