Jewish Jokes
159 jewish jokes and hilarious jewish puns to laugh out loud. Read ethnic jokes about jewish that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Get ready to laugh out loud as we delve into a delightful collection of Jewish jokes that tickle the funny bone and celebrate the rich heritage of Jewish humor. These jokes, steeped in cultural nuances and woven with clever wordplay, offer a glimpse into the traditions, values, and wit that have shaped Jewish comedic genius throughout history. But when should you share these jokes, and why are they so cherished? Join us as we explore the joyous world of Jewish humor and uncover the opportune moments to bring smiles and laughter to any gathering.
Why and When to Use Jewish Jokes
Jewish jokes hold a special place in both Jewish culture and the world of comedy. They serve as a cultural bridge, inviting people from diverse backgrounds to relish in the shared joy of laughter. These jokes can be shared at family gatherings, social events, or in casual conversations, acting as unifiers that bring people together and create moments of connection. Jewish humor often revolves around wordplay, irony, and self-deprecating wit, reflecting a rich cultural narrative that emphasizes resilience, community, and finding humor even in challenging situations.
The key to sharing Jewish jokes lies in respect and understanding. Appreciating the historical and cultural context behind the humor is essential to delivering these jokes with sensitivity and ensuring they resonate positively. When used appropriately, Jewish jokes can foster lightheartedness, break the ice, and build rapport, fostering a warm and inclusive atmosphere.
From uproarious one-liners to timeless anecdotes, these Jewish jokes celebrate the spirit of togetherness and invite all to revel in the joy of shared laughter. So gather 'round, embrace the wit and wisdom, and unleash these jokes at the opportune moments to brighten the day and strengthen the bonds of laughter.
Quick Jump To
- Short Jewish Jokes
- Jewish One Liners
- Jewish People Jokes
- Old Jewish Jokes
- Jewish Rabbi Jokes
- Jewish Mother Jokes
- Jewish Lawyer Jokes
- More Jewish Jokes
Funniest Jewish Short Jokes
Short jewish jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jewish humour may include short religion jokes also.
- Why do Jews get Circumcised? Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off
- Why are all Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off
- A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining And says "ladies, is anything ok?"
- Why haven't I ever met a full blooded jew? All of the ones I've met have just been Jew-ish
- I told my buddy that Jewish people call god by a different name He was like, "No way!"
I was like, "Yahweh" - A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl She asked me for my number.
I told her that we usually use names. - Why are Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 20% off.
- No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic. We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first canadian president, or the last president.
- I came up with this joke during lunch break: What do you call a jewish obstacle course? Shlalom
- A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner. Their waitress walks by and asks "Is anything alright?"
Share These Jewish Jokes With Friends
Jewish One Liners
Which jewish one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jewish? I can suggest the ones about faith and prayer.
- A Jewish girl asked for my number
I told her we use names now. - Why don't Jewish girls study on their period? Concentration Cramps
- What is the objective of jewish football? To get the quarter back.
- What do you call a Jewish magician who only summons furniture? Bench Appearo.
- What do you call a Jewish clown? Pennywise
- There no such thing a fully committed Jew. Most of them are only Jew-ish.
- This might be offensive, but what do you call a jewish pokémon trainer? Ash.
- What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer? Ash
- How does Santa know if he lands on a Jewish house? There's a parking meter on the roof.
- I've never met a full on jew They were all just sort of jew-ish
- A waiter checks on a table of Jewish mothers and asks: Is anything ok?
- What did the Jewish man do when he wanted tea? Hebrew.
- My friend is 1/8th Jew He's Jew...Ish
- Why are there no Jewish Jedi family's? Because they have no force kin
- Why can't Jewish girls be basic? They're too Hasidic
Jewish People Jokes
Here is a list of funny jewish people jokes and even better jewish people puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I told my friend that Jewish people call God by a different name. He said, "No way!", to which I replied, "Yahweh".
- 1948; "Did you hear,the Jewish people finally got their own country? Is this real?" "Yes,it is real!" My best original joke, taa daaa. !!!
- What is the difference between Jamaicans and Jewish people? Their reaction when someone asks if they want to get baked.
- What do Jewish people and basketball games have in common? The tip off.
- why dont jewish people like getting made fun of? Because millions of them already got roasted
- Who led the Jewish people through the semi-permeable membrane? Osmoses
- What would you call it if mel gibson apologizes to the Jewish people? Melatonin
- Why do Jewish people have big noses? Air is free.
- I don't think most people realize that being Jewish grants you some perks... Like free gas.
- Why do some Jewish people believe in Santa Claus? because he isreal
Old Jewish Jokes
Here is a list of funny old jewish jokes and even better old jewish puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Four old Jewish women are around a table at a restaurant The waiter comes up and asks, Is ANYTHING okay?
- my 14 year old came back with this after his biology class Q. who was the Jewish prophet that led the water molecules across the partially permeable membrane?
A. osmoses - A gay woman, a working class white guy, an old Jewish lady, a disabled man and a young black lady all walk into a bar. What a wonderful example of a well-integrated community.
- What do you call an 85 year old Jewish man that murdered his wife? Ruthless
- Two old Jewish women are sitting together, minding their own business.
- The worst Jewish joke ever... An old Jewish guy comes up to and old Jewish lady and says... "So what's your number?"...
- Old Jewish Proverb: It's better to have Russians cut-off the gas than ... ... have Germans pump it.
- The Jewish people decided that they had to return to their old form of monarchy.
- Two old Jewish guys are sitting in a restaurant... one says: "The food here is terrible!"
the other says: "I know! And such small portions!" - We've all heard the old joke 'how many Jews can you fit in a car?', well how many trans-gendered people can you fit in a car? Well that depends... are they Jewish?
Jewish Rabbi Jokes
Here is a list of funny jewish rabbi jokes and even better jewish rabbi puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call two Jewish rabbits? rabbi
- My Jewish minister bit me.. He gave me rabbis.
- Jewish Rabbis don't get paid for circumsion... They just get tips
- Did you hear Gotye converted from Judaism to Catholicism? After realizing he didn't need to follow Jewish customs, he exclaimed to the rabbi, "you didn't have to cut me off!"
- An anti-semite once told a rabbi that Jews never tip The Rabbi replied: "I can assure you that every single Jewish guy I know around here has given a tip at least once in their lives"
- Jewish guy goes to his rabbi . . . . . . he asks, "I don't get it. If we're the chosen people, why did God make the goys?"
The rabbi shrugs and say, "Hey . . . somebody's gotta pay retail." - What does a sick, Jewish dog have? Rabbis!
- I was born half-jewish But then two weeks later the rabbi cut that half off.
- Did you hear about the Jewish magician? He pulled a rabbi out of a hat.
- Why did the Jewish man not tip at the restaurant? Because he gave all his tips to the Rabbi
Jewish Mother Jokes
Here is a list of funny jewish mother jokes and even better jewish mother puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How does a Jewish mother change a lightbulb? "No, that's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark."
- How many Jewish Mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh don't worry about me I'll just sit here in the dark. It's not like I need light to sit here all alone by myself.
- How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light-bulb? None. Don't worry about me, I'll just sit here in the dark.
- What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers? Is *anything* okay?!
- How many jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? "no, it's ok, leave your poor mother in the dark..."
- What is the greatest dilemma for a Jewish mother? She finds out her son is gay, but is dating a doctor.
- The first Jewish President is being sworn in His mother is in the audience, she turns to the man sitting beside her and says "See my son up there? Well, his brother is a doctor!"
- Jewish mothers How does a Jewish mother change a lightbulb?
*Exasperated sigh* No it's fine, I'll just sit here in the dark! - What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? Eventually the Rottweiler lets go.
- What do a Jewish mother-in-law and 60 Minutes have in common? They both always start with tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk...
Jewish Lawyer Jokes
Here is a list of funny jewish lawyer jokes and even better jewish lawyer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I asked my lawyer cousin, an orthodox Jewish man, his opinion on gay marriage He said "that would be GREAT for business"
- Saying "Oh, look, here comes the jew laywer" is neither racist nor an insult. It's a compliment. Everyone knows jewish people make the best lawyers. Because they're sneaky. And greedy.
- A Jewish lawyer lost his job He celebrated the occasion with a disbar-mitzvah
Delightful Fun Jewish Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about jewish you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean worship jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make jewish pranks.
How do you get a Jewish Girl's number?
Roll up her sleeve!
A Jew, a Catholic, and a m**... all walk into a bar...
The Jewish man boasts, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic man says, "That's nothing! I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a soccer team!" The m**... stands up and proclaims, "Big deal! I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
So God's getting ready to go on vaction...
And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'
The Inauguration of the First Jewish President.
The first Jewish President has just been elected, and is being sworn in. One man in the audience is watching him take the oath, when he realizes he is sitting next to the President's mother.
She turns to him and says,
"You see that man up there, the one with his hand on the book repeating the sentences?"
"Yeah?" He responds
"His brother's a doctor"
Jewish kid asks his father for $50 ...
His father replies: "Forty dollars?! What do you need thirty dollars for?!"
A young jewish boy asks his father for $50
His father replies: "$40? what do you need $30 for?"
The Jewish way
As a Jew I have a soft spot for jokes about my own people, and this is one of my favorites that isn't so well known.
A Jewish man walks into a w**.... The madame asks him what he'd like. He asks if any of the women there can have s**... "the Jewish way". Puzzled, she goes to each of the unoccupied rooms, and asks the woman inside if she's familiar with having s**... the Jewish way. Finally, they get to the last room. Inside is a p**... who's extremely talented, and is one of the most expensive in the area. She asks, "do you know how to have s**... the Jewish way? This man's looking for a woman who does". She responds, "no, I haven't. But to stay at the top of my profession, I'm always looking to improve. If you teach me how to have s**... the Jewish way, we'll do that free of charge".
The man accepts the offer, and they have s**.... She's surprised to find that it's just regular s**...! Afterwards, she asks "What were you talking about, 'the Jewish way'? You just had s**... with me, the most expensive h**... in town, for free?!" He smiles and replies, "that's the Jewish way!".
Why arent There Many jewish gardeners?
Because money doesnt grow on trees
Do you know why Jewish men are circumcised?
Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's ten percent off.
I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...
A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
Why do Jewish fathers
have their sons circumcised?
They know Jewish women can't resist anything with 10% off.
There was a Jewish businessman
There was a Jewish businessman who was almost late at an important business meeting where punctuality was highly priced. But there were no empty parking spots around and the time was running. He looked to the sky and prayed: "Dear God, give me a parking spot now and I will donate 100 thousand to the synagogue!" Suddenly, a car left exactly in front of him. Relieved, the guy looked again at the sky and said: "It's okay, forget it, I got one."
4 Jewish women go out for dinner
When the waiter checks on them during their meal he asks "is anything okay?"
Some man I just met thought I was Israeli
so I cracked the 10 lost tribes of Israel joke to him and he got gassed.
My daughter saw me eating prosciutto
True story: my daughter saw me eating prosciutto and clucked her tongue. "I think eating prosciutto is like, the worst thing a Jew can do."
I am Jewish, so I asked, "Why is that?"
"Well, it's pork and it's expensive."
How do you hit on a Jewish girl?
Tell her that she israeli hot!
Why do jews get their p**... circumcised?
Because Jewish girls won't touch anything that's not 10% off
A Jewish man is in a car accident.
A Jewish man is in a car accident and is laying bleeding on the side of the road. A cop runs up, and rolls him on his back. He looks down on him and says, "the paramedics are coming. Are you comfortable?"
The Jewish guy say, "eh... I make a decent living."
TIL that at age 13 Jewish girls have a bat Mitzvah and at age 15 Latina girls have a...
Baby shower.
A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...
Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."
An Atheist...
Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."
The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? h**.... He made over 60,000 Jews toast."
God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."
The atheist replied, "Eh, I guess you should have been there."
The little black jewish boy...
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black? The dad replies, Why do you want to know, son? Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!
A Jewish man was talking to a Hindu man
Jew: Yeah, so in my religion we only believe in one God.
hindu: No way!
Jew: Yahweh
I f**... in front of my Jewish friend...
He glared at me.
I said, "What? A little gas never killed anyone !"
People say to me Jesus was not Jewish
## I say ofcourse he was Jewish
+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift
## He's Jewish. Give it up
****
_by Robin Williams_
Happy Birthday Robin!
An old Jewish man dies.
His last wish to his son is to print an obituary. The son goes to newspaper office and asks how much they charge for an obituary. They tell him $5 per word.
He says then print "Solomon dead". The newspaper tell him they require minimum 5 words. He thinks for a moment and says, then make it "Solomon dead, wheelchair for sale".
A Jewish kid goes to his dad and says, "Dad, I need to borrow fifty bucks".
The dad says, "Forty bucks? I don't have thirty bucks, what do you need twenty bucks for?"
My Jewish girlfriend got mad when I let out a f**... while watching tv.
I said, honey. A little gas never hurt anyone.
A Black/Jewish boy asks his dad whether he's more Black or more Jewish.
When his dad asks why, the boy answers "there's a bike for sale for $100 and I can't decide whether to haggle down to $75 or just steal it."
A Chinese guy buys a well from a Jewish guy
The next day the Chinese walks up to the well; when the Jew runs up to him and shouts, "STOP! I sold you the well; not the water!"
The Chinese guy smirks and says "That's exactly why I'm here. How could you store your water in my well and not pay rent?!"
An elderly man walks into confession and says...
Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.
The priest said, Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?
Never Father… I'm Jewish.
So then, why are you telling me?
I'm telling everybody!
There are three truths in religion:
1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
A Jewish kid asks his father if he can borrow $50.
His father replies
40 dollars?
What do you want 30 dollars for?
The Elderly Guy in Church
An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."
A Jewish man and a Chinese man strike up a conversation
Before long they're arguing.
Jewish man: "You know what? I hate you."
Chinese man: "Why?"
Jewish man: "Pearl Harbor!"
Chinese man: "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!"
Jewish man: "Japanese, Chinese what's the difference?"
Chinese man: "Well, you know what? I hate you."
Jewish man: "Why?"
Chinese man: "The Titanic!"
Jewish man: "An iceberg sunk the Titanic!"
Chinese man: "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
h**... went to see a fortune seer
h**... went to see a fortune seer. He walked in and demanded to know on what day he would die.
The seer replied "You will die on a Jewish holiday"
h**... wanted more in information than that, and asked "Which holiday?"
The seer just smirked and said "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday"
Dad peels banana...
When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...
Dad:
peels the first s**... of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second s**......
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"
Me: "What happened to the Four skin"
Dad: "Jewish banana"
I was twelve and I finally figured it out....
A Jewish Black kid walks up to his dad and asks if he is more Black than Jewish.
"Why son?" The dad asks.
"Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and I was wondering if I should talk him down to $30 or just steal it."
I met a Jewish girl and she asked me for my number.
Had to explain to her that we use names here. It was a pain.
A man goes for confession ...
The priest says Tell me son why are you here
Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.
The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?
Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.
This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.
The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?
Why are circumsized p**... so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off
Just a joke lol
A jewish woman goes to the hospital to give birth to her son.
Unfortunately the baby boy is born without eyelids.
The jewish woman is hysterical and says: Doctor, doctor what am i going to do? My baby boy has no eyelids!
The doctor calmly replies: Missus Levine, don't worry your son is going to be circumcised so we can do a transplant and give him eyelids.
Missus Levine says: Doctor, doctor but I don't want a son that's gonna be cockeyed!
Doctor replies: But Missus Levine imagine what foresight he'll have!
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?...
"What, you're coming empty handed?"
A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.
What are you reading, old man? he asks.
I'm learning Hebrew, comrade, replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.
I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham, replies the old man.
How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to h**...? asks the KGB agent.
I already speak Russian."
a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.
At 3:00 AM there's b**... on his door. It's the KGB.
You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?
He nods.
Here in Russia, you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, you have place to live?
Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, you have job to work at?
Yeah, I can't complain.
So, Jew, why you apply to move to Israel?
Because *There* I can complain!
Here's a classic jewish joke.
A mother brings her son two new ties as a birthday gift for her adult son. Later, in the evening the two meet for dinner and the son is wearing one of the ties. His mother takes one look at him and says, You didn't like the other tie?
A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar. Suddenly, the Jewish man punches the Chinese man in the face.
"Ow! Why did you do that?" asks he Chinese man.
"That's for Pearl Harbor," says the Jewish man.
"But the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm Chinese!" says the Chinese man.
"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" asks the Jewish man.
So the Chinese man punches the Jewish man.
"Ow! What's that for?" asks the Jewish man.
"It's for the Titanic," says the Chinese man.
"What? That was an iceberg that brought down the Titanic!" says the Jewish man.
"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
A Jew living in the Soviet Union applies for an exit visa so he could emigrate to Israel.
As a result, he is summoned to the KGB headquarters.
I see that you applied to move to Israel? asks the KGB officer. The Jewish man nods.
Here in the USSR, don't you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.
And here in the USSR, don't you have place to live?
Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.
And here in the USSR, don't you have job to work at?
Yeah, I can't complain.
So, Jew, why did you apply to move to Israel?
Because There I can complain!
Jewish man gets stopped at a checkpoint in Ireland by two Irishmen with rifles.
Jewish man gets stopped at a checkpoint in Ireland by two Irishmen with rifles.
"Eh, what are ya, protestant or catholic?"
Man: "I'm jewish!"
Guard: (pauses, confers with fellow guard)
"Jewish catholic or jewish protestant?"
An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading the Tehran Times
A friend sees him and says, "Oy, Moishe! How can you read that rag? Don't you know the things they say about us?"
To which the man replies, "Well, I used to read to read the Jewish papers, but they're so depressing. Every headline is 'Jews Being Persecuted!' 'Jews Living in Poverty!' 'Jews Being Oppressed!'. But now I read these Arab papers and the headlines are all 'Jews Own All the Banks!' 'Jews Control the Media!' 'Jews Run the World!'. It's much more uplifting!"
My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke
A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".
A Jewish man goes to his rabbi for help
"Rabbi, what should I do?" he asks. "My son just converted to Christianity."
"I'm not sure," the rabbi replied. "Let me ask God. Come back tomorrow."
The man goes back the next day. "Sorry," the rabbi said. "God told me He has the same problem."
I saw 3 men standing at the urinals.
The first man, a Jewish guy, was peeing 4 streams.
"What happened to you?" I asked.
He explained "Accident at my circumcision. The rabbi had Parkinson's."
The next man, a big tough trucker, was peeing 6 streams.
"And what is your problem?" I asked.
He grunted "I had a fight with a rottweiler..."
The third man, an elderly, absent-minded looking guy, was peeing 30 streams.
"Oh my gosh, what the h**... happened to you?!?" I gasped.
He looked down, then sighed.
"Oh dear, I forgot to pull down my zipper again."
A Chinese man and a Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a plane.
Suddenly, the Jewish man slaps the Chinese man across the face.
"What was that for?" asks the Chinese man..
"For Pearl Harbor" says the Jewish man.
"That was Japanese. I'm Chinese," the Chinese man says.
"Chinese, Japanese" what's the difference?
Few minutes later, the Chinese man slaps the Jewish man.
"What was that for?" asks the Jew.
"It's for the Titanic."
"The Titanic? That was an iceberg..."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?" says the Chinese man.
A fortune teller once told h**... he would die on a Jewish festival.
"How do you know" asked h**....
The fortune teller replied "Any day you die will be a Jewish festival."
