jewish Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious jewish puns

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

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Why do Jews get Circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

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Why are all Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

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A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining

And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

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People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

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Why haven't I ever met a full blooded jew?

All of the ones I've met have just been Jew-ish

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Why do Jews get circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

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What do Jewish pedophiles say?

Hey kid, want to buy some candy?

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I told my buddy that Jewish people call god by a different name

He was like, "No way!"

I was like, "Yahweh"

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A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl

She asked me for my number.

I told her that we usually use names.

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The little black jewish boy...

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black? The dad replies, Why do you want to know, son? Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!

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A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."

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Dad peels banana...

When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...

Dad:
peels the first strip of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second strip...
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"

Me: "What happened to the Four skin"

Dad: "Jewish banana"

I was twelve and I finally figured it out....

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Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 20% off.

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No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.ο»Ώ

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I came up with this joke during lunch break: What do you call a jewish obstacle course?

Shlalom

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Why do Jewish men get circumcised?

because Jewish women won't accept anything unless it has at least 20% off.

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A Jewish woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts: "Is there a doctor here?"

A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"

She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

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A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner.

Their waitress walks by and asks "Is anything alright?"

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I told my friend that Jewish people call God by a different name.

He said, "No way!", to which I replied, "Yahweh".

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Why do jews get their penises circumcised?

Because Jewish girls won't touch anything that's not 10% off

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There are three truths in religion:

1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.


2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.


3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

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Why are all Jewish men circumsized?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off

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My Jewish girlfriend got mad when I let out a fart while watching tv.

I said, honey. A little gas never hurt anyone.

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A Jewish Black kid walks up to his dad and asks if he is more Black than Jewish.

"Why son?" The dad asks.
"Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and I was wondering if I should talk him down to $30 or just steal it."

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A Chinese guy buys a well from a Jewish guy

The next day the Chinese walks up to the well; when the Jew runs up to him and shouts, "STOP! I sold you the well; not the water!"

The Chinese guy smirks and says "That's exactly why I'm here. How could you store your water in my well and not pay rent?!"

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An elderly man walks into confession and says...

Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.

The priest said, Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?

Never Father… I'm Jewish.

So then, why are you telling me?

I'm telling everybody!

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Why don't Jewish girls study on their period?

Concentration Cramps

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What is the objective of jewish football?

To get the quarter back.

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So God's getting ready to go on vaction...

And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'

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How does a Jewish mother change a lightbulb?

"No, that's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark."

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In USSR we had a joke

A terminally ill jewish man is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wishes to join the Communist Party. A partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist dies"

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Some man I just met thought I was Israeli

so I cracked the 10 lost tribes of Israel joke to him and he got gassed.

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Do you know why Jewish men are circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's ten percent off.

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What's the point of Jewish football?

To get the quarter back.

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What are the most funny Jewish jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Jewish? Well, here are the best Jewish dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Jewish pick up lines to share with friends.

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