Jew Jokes

funny jokes about jew and hilarious stories

BEST JEW JOKES

Jew jokes and pranks to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 jokes about Jew of all time along with the funniest jew gags ever told.

Joke I heard from a 99 year old Holocaust survivor
A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

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Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor
A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

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On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:
Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.

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A Nazi walks into a bar...
A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back.
The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar

"Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf"
Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before

"Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman
Bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar"




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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."

There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

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Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally...
because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems.

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A Nazi goes to a bar....
A Nazi goes to a bar, looks around, and sees an Orthodox Jew sitting at a nearby table.

"Barkeep!", he says, "A round on me for everyone but that gentleman right there."

Everyone in the bar receives a cocktail, he looks over at the Jew and notices him smiling back. The Nazi is not amused, goes back to the bar

"Barkeep! I want to order a second round for everyone but him, and this time make it all top shelf".

Nazi looks again at the Jew, sees him STILL smiling back.

"Is that Jew an idiot or what?"

Bartender responds: "Oh no my friend, that's the owner."

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A Nazi goes to a bar...
A Nazi goes to a bar, looks around, and sees an Orthodox Jew sitting at a nearby table.

"Barkeep!", he says, "A round on me for everyone but that gentleman right there."

Everyone in the bar receives a cocktail, he looks over at the Jew and notices him smiling back. The Nazi is not amused, goes back to the bar

"Barkeep! I want to order a second round for everyone but him, and this time make it all top shelf".

Nazi looks again at the Jew, sees him STILL smiling back.

"Is that Jew an idiot or what?"

Bartender responds: "Oh no my friend, that's the owner."

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In USSR we had this joke
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

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Why do Jews get Circumcised?
Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

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LATEST JEW JOKES

How many Jews died in the Holocaust?
6 million

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Jewish secret agent
A Jewish secret agent is asked by one of his subordinates: so, where are you going on your next secret mission ?

The agent replies: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to sue you .

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What did the Jewish pirate who didn't like land say?
Ahoy vey.

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Black, Asian, Jew be like a music scale
A minor

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Whats the difference between a jew and Harry Potter?
Harry escapes the Chamber.

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A Muslim and a Jew jump off a building, to see who will land first. Who wins?
Society.

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What do you call a frozen jew?
An Iceberg.

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What's a Jewish dilemma?
Half-priced ham.

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What the Jews do in the shower?
They're making our eyes burn

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What's the only thing dirtier than a jew?
your mom

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You know what, as a Jew, I'm getting really tired of these Jewish jokes.
We need to stop giving them away for free and figure out a way to monetize them.

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I heard a Jew was responsible for the sinking of the Titanic
Some guy named Iceberg

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What's the worst part about being a black jew?
They're always at the back of the oven.

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Why do Jews Have So Much Money?
They always keep the tips.

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Super Mario is the most diverse video game character.
He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

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jew crossing the road!
why did the jew cross the road?


-so he can get to the geno-side of the road.

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What's the difference between a Jew and a bullet?
A bullet leaves the chamber

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[Slightly Offensive] A Jew and a black guy jump out of building, which hits the ground first?
The Jew, cuz pennies fall faster than basketballs.

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Where did the Jewish kid with ADD go for the summer?
Concentration Camp

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Why are Jewish funeral's so easy to plan?
Because they're already cremated

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JEW JOKES THAT ARE...

Jew jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.

BEST DIRTY JOKES

Jew jokes that are one of the dirtiest you can hear.

[Dirty] What is the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew?
Harry escaped the chamber.

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Chinese, Japanese, Dirty Knees, Look At These ...
A Chinese man is standing on a street corner waiting to cross.
An elderly Jewish man walks up to him, and to his face, exclaims: "Go to hell! Go to hell, for what you and you people did to the innocent people at Pearl Harbor!"
The Chinese guy, baffled, replies: "The Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, I'm Chinese."
The old jew doesn't want to hear it and says: "Japs, Chinks, you're all the same."
The Chinese man, getting angry, crosses his arms and asks: "Well what about all the innocent men, women, and children your people killed on the Titanic?"
The Jewish man, furls his brown, and in a confused tone states: "The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg."
To which the Chinese man quips: "Iceberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, you're all the same."

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A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, β€œFather, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.”
The priest says, β€œWell, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
β€œNever Father, I’m Jewish.”
β€œSo then, why are you telling me?”
β€œI’m telling everybody!”

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One day a Jew was giving an Asian a blowjob, then, the Asian said do you have homework.


The Jew said no and they continued the blowjob.
Adam was waiting outside for a long time before he decided to walk in.
He walked in to find the Jew getting it up the bum.
Adam decided he wanted to get some action too, so he walked up and took a swing at the Asian.
The Asian died and then the Jew yelled Aluakbah and bombed everyone.
Note: they were all boys.

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Q: Why is it jewish men won't go down on a woman?
A: Too close to the gas chamber.

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A young fellow went to a Jewish Doctor and told the doctor he was worried because he could not get an erection.
Whereupon the doctor told him to eat Jewish Rye Bread.
So on his way home, the young man stopped a Jewish Bakery and asked for 25 Loaves of Rye Bread.
The Baker said "25 Loaves? It will get hard before you get rid of it."
Whereupon the patient in excitement said "Give me 50 loaves."

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A couple of dirty Jew jokes...
Why don't Jews eat pussy?
too close to the gas chamber!

What to you call a gay Jew?
Hewblew!

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What do you call a dirty Jew?
Alive.

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Are you a dirty jew?
Because you're occupying my heart.

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BEST BLACK HUMOR JOKES

Jew jokes for those with dark sense of humor.

Q: How do you fit 100 Jews in a car?
A: Three in the back, two in the front and the rest in the ashtray.

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Q: Where does a black jew go?
A: The back of the oven.

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Q: What is the difference between a Jew and a boy scout?
A: the boy Scott gets to go home after camp.

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Q: Why did Hitler kill himself?
A: He saw his gas bill.

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Q: What do you call a flying Jew?
A: Ashes.

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Q: What was Hitler's favorite drink?
A: Concentrated jews.

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Q: What is the point of Jewish football?
A: To get the quarter back

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Who's the most famous Jewish cook in history?
Hitler.

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Whats the difference between a jew camp and a summer camp?
The kids come back.

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Hitler is daddy!
Hump me!
Fuck me!
Daddy better gas them Jews.


My gas chambers love the smoke.
G-g-gas the Jews.

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BEST RACIST JOKES

Racist jew jokes about racial discrimination.

A Chinaman and a Jew are in a racist argument...
A Chinaman and a Jew are in a racist argument when the Jew rears back and punches the Chinaman in the nose. The Chinaman says, "What was that for?"

The Jew responds, "That was for Pearl Harbor you son of a bitch."

The Chinaman looks confused and says, "Pearl Harbor was bombed by the Japanese. I'm Chinese!"

So the Jew says, "Japanese. Chinese. What's the difference?!" Then the Chinaman rears back and punches the Jew in the nose.

The Jew says, "What was that for?"

The Chinaman responds, "That was for the Titanic!"

The Jew looks confused and says, "The Titanic?? The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!"

So the Chinaman says, "Iceberg. Goldberg. What's the difference?!"

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Don't be racist, be like Mario...
He's an Italian plumber created by Japanese people who speaks English, and looks like a Mexican, and runs like a Jamaican, and jumps like a Black man, and grabs coins like a Jew...

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Don't be racist; be like Mario
He's an Italian plumber, made by Asians, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, runs like a black man and grabs coins like a jew.

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A black guy, a Jew, a Mexican, and a racist white Southerner are waiting at a bus stop...
...when all of a sudden a genie comes along. He says, "Well, we've got some time before the bus comes so why don't I grant you all one wish."

So the Jew pipes up and says, "My one true wish is that all of my people be able to live in peace together in Israel." The genie snaps his fingers, and BAM! Done.

Next the Mexican says, "Really I wish that all of my people can live in prosperity in Mexico." Again the genie snaps his fingers, and BAM! Wish fulfilled.

Next the black guy says, "My wish is that all black people be able to live together in peace and prosperity in Africa." Again the genie snaps his fingers, and BAM! All the black people go to Africa.

Finally the genie turns to the white Southerner and asks him for his wish. "Let me get this straight," the Southerner says, "all the Jews are in Israel, all the Mexicans are in Mexico, and all the blacks are in Africa? Shit, I think I'll have a Coke."

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If I had ba dollar for every time I was racist,
I'd be as rich as a Jew

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How to not be racist
Be like Mario! He's made by the japanese, he is an italian plumber, looks like a mexican, runs and jumps like a black man and grabs coins as fast as a Jew!

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Trying to talk sense into a racist...
Is like trying to beat a Jew at hide and seek.

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Q: Where does a black jew go?
A: The back of the oven.

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A Jew, a woman, and a racist walk into a bar.
The bartender says "I bet you thought this was going to be about the elections, didn't you?"

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How do you start a Jewish parade?
Throw a penny down main street.

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WHAT ARE JEW JOKES ABOUT?

Jew is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about jew.

Are Jew jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring jew joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read jew jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with jew jokes on YouTube.

TOP MONEY JOKES THAT ARE JEW

Funny jew jokes about the love for money of jewish people.

A Jewish Mother was horrified to find out her daughter was divorcing her doctor husband.
"Does he hit you?" she asked.

"No Ma."

"Is he cheating on you?"

"No Ma."

"Did he lose his money?"

"No Ma."

"You live in a beautiful house, you have luxury cars, your clothes are of the finest quality, you have a staff to take care of the domestic chores. What does he do so wrong?"

"It's the anal sex ma. He likes the anal sex."

"And what's so bad about that?"

"It's terrible ma. Always with the anal sex. When we got married, my butthole was the size of a dime. Now it's the size of a quarter. It's just terrible."

"It seems like you are giving up an awful lot just for 15 cents."

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Jew praying to god
A Jew having no children, no money, no home and a blind mother, prays sincerely to God to improve his life.

God is very pleased with his prayer, and grants him one wish, just one!

The Jew says OK God, thanks, my one and only wish is - 'I want my Mom to see my wife putting one hundred million dollars worth of diamonds around the neck of each of my 5 children, in my Rolls Royce parked next to our 2 Ferraris and 2 Lamborghinis near the enclosed heated Olympic sized swimming pool of our new 50,000 sq.ft. bungalow in our 50 acre property in Beverly Hills.'

God: Damn it! I still have a lot to learn from these Jews!

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My Jewish friend told me this one
Two Jewish guys are walking along when one notices a sign on a Catholic Church that says, "Convert to Christianity and we'll give you 100$." The one says "should we do it?" and the other guy says "NO! are you crazy?" The first guy replies, "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars.... I'm gonna do it!" So he walks in the church, and then a while later he comes back out. The friend says, "Well? Did you get the money?" Then the other says, "Oh is that all you people think about?"

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How five Jews changed the way we see the world:
Moses: "The Law is everything"

Jesus: "Love is everything"

Marx: "Money is everything"

Freud: "Sex is everything"

Einstein: "Everything is relative"

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The Pope is walking through the streets of Vatican City...
... and he sees two beggars holding up cans for money. One of them is holding up a Christian cross, and the other a Star of David. The Pope sees that the one with the cross is, of course, getting much more money than the one with the Star of David, with some people only giving money to the Christian to spite the Jew. The Pope decides he has to intervene.

So he taps the Jew gently on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me. I noticed that you didn't have anything in your tin and I wanted to point out that in Vatican City, begging for money with a Star of David isn't a very good method of getting any, especially with a man with a cross next to you. Perhaps you should try a different city?"

The Jewish man laughs out loud, shocking the Pope. He turns to the Christian and exclaims, "Hey Abraham! Look who's trying to teach the Goldberg brothers marketing!"

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Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

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Why do Jewish men watch pornos backwards?
That way they can see the hooker give the money back..

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Why do Jews like to watch porn backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

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Two Jewish men are walking down the street.
They notice a sign outside a church that reads, "$200 to covert to Christianity."

One of them asks, "Well, you want to give it a shot?"

"Nah", the other responds.

"I'm not really religious anyway; I'll take their money" says the first.

An hour goes by and he comes walks back out and sees his friend waiting by the doors. "Did you go through with it?" the friend asks.

"Yup."

"So? Did you get the money?" asks the friend.

"Is that really all you people think about?"

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So a Jewish family has a baby!
It's a beautiful baby boy, and they love him very much. The dad wants to know, however, what the little boy will grow up to be like. So he takes the baby to the Rabbi, who says that there's a simple test. On a long table, the Rabbi places a stack of money, a bottle of whiskey, and a Torah. "If your son crawls to the money, he'll have a good job as a banker, and take care of you and your wife until you're dead and gone. If he goes for the whiskey, he's no good, a drunk, might as well drop him at the orphanage on the way home for all the good he'll do you. Finally, if he picks up the Torah, he'll be a Rabbi like me. A good, honest, man of God."

So the father puts the baby on the table, and the baby picks up the money. "YAY!" they cheer, as the baby starts crawling again. Now, the Rabbi looks worried. The baby now picks up the bottle of whiskey with its other hand. "Oh no" says the Rabbi. They then watch as the baby crawls again, and also picks up the Torah. "NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!" the Rabbi cries. "WHAT IS IT??? What's wrong with my son?!?!" the father panicks.

"I'm so so sorry, but your son is going to be the worst thing of all!" says the Rabbi. "Your son is going to be a Catholic!"


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My Jewish grandpa told me this joke a few years back
A Rabbi and a Priest are walking by a playground.

Priest: *leans over to the Rabbi and whispers* "Id love to go fuck those kids"

Rabbi: *looking confused* "fuck them out of what? They don't have any money"

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Why do Jews watch porn in reverse?
Because they like to see the hooker give the money back.

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Why do Jew like to watch porn in reverse?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

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A Jew gets robbed
The thief points a gun threateningly at the Jew, "Your money or your life!"

The Jew stops in his tracks and does nothing.

The thief waves the gun. "I said, your money or your life!!!!"

The Jew says, "I'm thinking, I'm thinking!"

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A men goes to a priest...
-Father, I am a sinner...-
-So, what you've dove?-
-I hid a jew in my basement during the second world war.-
-But this one isn't a sin, it's a very honorable thing.-
-I made him pay 300 pounds a month-
-Well, those are a lot of money but you saved him so you can go and may God be with you.-
-Ok then but... should i tell him that the war is over?-

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Why do Jews watch porno movies in reverse?
Because they like the part where the hooker gives the money back to the guy.

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Why does a jew watch pornography backwards?
He wants to see the prostitute give back money.

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Why do Jews watch porn backwards ?
So they can see the hooker give back the money.

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Three married couples, one Jewish, one Irish, and one Greek, all die on the same day..
Three married couples, one Jewish, one Irish, and one Greek, all die on the same day and arrive at the gates of Heaven.
St. Peter asks the Jewish man why he deserves to be in Heaven. He replies, "I've been a pious Jew all my life, I attended synagogue every Saturday, and I raised a lot of money for Jewish causes."
"And what is your wife's name?" St. Peter asks.
"Penny," the
man replies.
"Penny?!!" shouts St. Peter. "You Jews are all alike. Money,
money, money. You even married a woman whose name has to do with money! Get out
of my sight! You are damned to Hell!"

Then St. Peter asks the Irishman why he deserves to be in Heaven. "I've been a devout Catholic throughout my life, attended church every Sunday, and always gave generously to the collection plate."
"And what's your wife's name?" St. Peter asks.
"Brandy," the
Irishman replies.
"Brandy?!! You Irish are all alike. Drink, drink, drink.
You even married a woman whose name is a type of alcohol. Get out of my sight!
You are damned to Hell!"

With that, the Greek guy turns to his wife and
says, "Fanny, I think we have a problem..."

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Two Jewish homeless guys
are down and out and just walking down the street when one of the men spots a sign on the Catholic Church and says, Look at that! The sign reads, Convert to Catholic and make $10. The other guy says, I don't know about that. Well I do says the other. I need the money. So the one goes inside and the other, with nothing to do, kicks back on the curb. After an hour and a half the guy comes back out of the church.
So what happened? asks his friend.
I converted, I'm a Catholic now.
Well, did ya get the ten dollars? asks the friend.
IS THAT ALL YOU PEOPLE THINK ABOUT?

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A billionaire is in a hospital and needs a blood transfusion.
He turns to his Jewish friend and says. "I'll pay you 100,000 dollars for a blood transfusion. The Jew happily agrees? Excited for the money.

Then a month later the man needs a another transfusion and offers the Jew 10000 dollars for the blood. The Jew happily agrees.

Then a month later the man needs another blood transfusion. He offers the Jew 10 dollars. The Jew says "first 100000 then, 10000 now a ten? What's wrong?"

The man then says "must be all the Jewish blood in me."

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Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

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Two Jews are walking in Odessa at night...
Suddenly, in a dark alley, they are surrounded by muggers with knives.

-- Money, watches, wallets - quick!

One Jew turns to the other:
-- Abram, remember, I owe you $300? Here they are, returned to you in front of witnesses.

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Why do Jews watch porn in reverse...
Their favorite part is when the girl gives the money back....

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Two Jews walk by a Christian church. . .
There is a sign on the door that says, "convert to Christianity and receive $100". One of them speaks up and says, "I'm going in." His friend says "you're really going to change religions for $100?"
"A $100 is a $100, I'm doing it!" And he walks inside.
A few minutes later he walks back out and his friend says, "Well? Did you get the money?"
He replies, "Oh, that's all you people think about isn't it?"

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Two old Jews are walking down the street and see a sign outside of a church that says: "Jews, come let us save your soul! Convert and we will give you $50!"
Shmuel and Moshe are walking down the street and see a sign outside of a church that says: "Jews, come let us save your soul! Convert and we will give you $50!" Shmuel and Moshe look at each other, amused by such mishegas, and plot that Moshe should go in, listen to their schtick, and then they can share the money. Shmuel waits for much longer than he expected, he is waiting outside for hours. At last, Moshe comes out and Shmuel says: "Finally! I at least hope you got the $50 after all that." Moshe says, "What *is* it about you people and money?"

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Why do Jews watch porn movies backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back

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Why do Jews like to watch porn backwards??
Cause they love the part when the hooker returns the money!

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A Jewish kid asks his dad for money
He asks his dad for 10 dollars.

His dad replies, "8 dollars? What do you need 5 dollars for?"

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A little Jewish boy asks his father if he can borrow 50 dollars.
His dad says, "50 dollars?! Why the heck do you need 40 dollars? 30 dollars is a LOT of money!"

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A Jewish kid tells his father he saved some money...
Kid: "Dad I saved $3 by running behind the bus after school today"

Dad: "Next time run behind a taxi, you'll save more"

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A Jewish kid asks his dad for money...
The kid says to his dad, "Dad, I need to borrow fifty dollars."

His dad replies, "Forty dollars! What do you wanna borrow thirty dollars for?!?!"

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Why do jews watch porn backwards?
so they can come when the prostitute hands the money to the guy

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Why do Jewish men watch porn backwards?
So they can see the hooker hand the money back.

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An old Jewish couple is going to bed
The husband can't fall asleep, so his wife asks him:
- Abraham, why can't you fall asleep?
The husband responds:
- I owe Binyamin a lot of money, and I don't think I can give it back in time.
The wife is annoyed, picks up a phone and dials a number on it:
-Hello, Binyamin? Abraham is not going to give the money back!
Then she abruptly hangs the phone, and says:
- If we are not sleeping, he is not sleeping!

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What do you call a Jew who is terrible with money?
Bernie Sanders.

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Q: Why did Hitler kill himself?
A: He saw his gas bill.

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"Why do Jewish men wear yamakas?"
"Half a hat, saves money."

#OldWhiteManSays

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How do you start a Jewish parade?
Throw a penny down main street.

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Two old Jews, sitting on a park bench ...
The one old guys says, "Simon, you just won the lottery! What are you going to do with all that money?"

Simon replies, "Well, I was thinking of going back to the old country and putting up a big statue in the town square."

"That sounds nice. A statue of whom?"

"I'm going to put up a big statue of Adolph Hitler."

"WHAT?? Are you meshuggeneh!!?? He killed 6 million Jews!! Why on Earth would you put up a statue of Hitler???"

"Oh, I owe everything to Hitler! Look ... [rolls up his sleeve] ... he gave me the winning numbers!"

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A Jewish boy asks his father for some money to go on a date...
The boy says "Dad, can I have $50 to take my girlfriend to dinner and a movie?"

The dad says "$30? what do you need $20 dollars for? Fine, here's $10. Make sure you give me the change back"

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A friend convinces a jew to donate to charity...
The friend sees the jew put an envelope in the donation box and asks him

"How much money did you put in there?"

The jew replies "Money? Are envelopes really worth nothing nowadays?"

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A jewish man's wife dies
So he decides to place an obituary in the newspaper, and phones their agent.

"Just put 'Sarah died' in the paper."

"But Sir, for the same money of only one line, you can add another four words!"

"Oh. Let me think about that.."

He phones back a few minutes later and says

"Put in the paper: 'Sarah died. Toyota Corolla for sale' .."

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A jewish son asks his father for money.
The son goes up to his father and asks, "Dad, can I borrow twenty dollars?"

His fathers responds, "Fifteen dollars?! What are you gunna do with ten dollars?!"

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Why do Jews watch porn backwards?
Because they like to climax at the part when the hooker gives the money back.

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Two Jews during the depression
Two Jewish guys are liking for work during the depression. They come across a atholic church that has a sign saying , "get saved; convert and receive $25".
One if the guys says, "my children are starving, I need that money" and goes in the church. His buddy waits for him and about am hour later he comes out. His buddy immediately ask, "did you get the money" to which the new follower of Christ responds, "is that all you people think about?"

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How to tell who is Jewish in your class, drop a penny and see who gets their first.

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One day, 2 Jews were hanging around
They found a notice outside a church. It said: Get converted and get $50.

The first Jew went inside. When he came outside, his friend asked "So did you get the $50?"

The boy replied: "You Jews only care about money."

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How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One they're just like the rest of us except they're good with money.

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Q: Why do Jews have so big noses?
A: Because the air is free.

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The well
An Arab sold a well to a Jew. The next day, the Arab went back to the Jew and said," I sold you the well, not the water inside it. If you want to buy the water, you'll have to give me more money." The Jew smiled and said," I was just about to call you because of that. Since you didn't sell me the water, you're either going to have to move your water or pay me an hourly rent for storing your water."

Thanks BrokeBorkLensar for the correction

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Why do a Jew, an Italian, and a redneck go to stripclubs?
The Jew goes to pick up the rent.

The Italian goes to pick up his protection money.

The redneck goes to pick up his daughter.

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Why do old Jews watch pornos backwards?
They like to see the hookers give the money back''''

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How did the half Jew, half Muslim save money?
He supported ISIS, but wrote it off as a charitable donation.

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Two Jews walk past a Christian Church.
There was a sign outside saying "If you let us baptize you as a Catholic we'll give you $500 dollars!."

The first Jew raised his eyebrows to the other and said "How about it?". "No!" the other Jew exclaimed, "I'm not forsaking my beliefs for $500!." "Hey money is money| the first Jew shrugged, "besides I'm not even that dedicated to the faith. I'm going in"

Grudgingly the second Jew consents to wait outside while the first Jew goes in to be baptized. He's gone for quite some time, but a couple of hours later he emerges with a beaming smile on his face, looking the picture of spiritual contentment. His curiosity peaked, the second Jew goes up to him and asks, "Well did you get the money?!

"Oh it's all about money with you people!"

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A Jewish kid asked his dad for $20...
Dad: What? 15 bucks?! That's a lot of money, what do you need $10 for? Fine!! Here's the $5.

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A Jewish boy asks his father for money..
Boy: Dad, I need $5.

Father: $4? What do you need $3 for?

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How do you tell when time is reversing?
When a Jew drops a coin on the ground.

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I bought a Jewish sports car.
Not only will it stop on a dime, it will pick it up too.
I've heard they're gas guzzlers though.

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Why do Jews watch porn backwards?
Because their favorite part is when the hooker gives the money back.

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Why do Jewish women use gold diaphragms?
Because they like to come into money.

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Asking your Jewish father for money
Jewish boy asks his Dad for 50 bucks. Dad goes, 40 dollars???? What the hell you need 30 dollars for????!!!

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Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it?"
The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?"
The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it."
So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out.
The friend says "well, did you get the money?"
He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it?"

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An American, a Russian and a Jew are caught by cannibals...
...and the chief says to them:

β€” If you do not want to be eaten you have three choices: to pay us $10000, to be beaten by a cane a hundred times or to eat a bag of salt.

The American says "No problem", takes a wallet, pays the money.

The Russian says:

β€” I don't have money and I can't eat that much salt, so beating it is.

He is severely beaten but he makes it and is free to go.

The Jew says:

β€” Ok, I'll try to eat a bag of salt.

He starts eating but after several spoons says:

β€” Ok, I can't do it, I'd rather get beaten.

Cannibals start beating him with canes but after several strikes the Jew cries:

β€” Stop! I'd rather eat salt.

He starts eating salt again and finishes almost a half of the bag then screams:

β€” No more salt! Better beat me instead!

Cannibals start beating him again, 10 strikes, 20, 30, after all the Jew yells:

β€” Stop! Stop it, please. Here is your fucking money!

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I became a Jew today
Only in it for the money.

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A jew, a Greek and an Irishman all die simultaneously and go to heaven...
...When they got there, Peter said, "I will let you return back to earth, but you can't do the one thing you love the most ( The jew loves to horde money, the Greek loves to have sex, and the Irishman loves to drink)

Back on earth, the Irishman is walking down the street and he sees his favorite pub. He thinks to himself, a drink won't hurt, as long as I don't get drunk everything will be ok. He goes in, has a pint, and POOF!! He's in hell.

The jew and the Greek were walking down the sidewalk, when the jew spots a quarter. He instinctually bends over to pick it up, when POOF!! The Greek is gone.

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Q: How do you kill 1000 Jews at once?
A: Throw a dollar off a cliff.

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Jew joke
Why do Jews watch porn backwards ?

Because they love to see the part when hooker gives the money back

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A Jewish boy asked his father "Father, can you lend me 50 dollars?"
The father replied, "40 dollars, What do you need 30 dollars for?"

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Why do Jews watch porn backwards?
So they can watch how the hooker pays the money back.

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Where do Jewish people go to save money on bulk food?
Holocaust-co.

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A Jew found some money
He counted it and some was missing

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Why do Jews watch pornos backwards?
So they can see the hooker give back the money

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Why do Jews watch pornos backwards?
So they can see the hooker give back the money.

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Why are Jews afraid of gas leaks?
Because it costs money

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Why don't Jews wait for their bread to rise?
Because time is money.

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Why did the old Jewish couple stay unhappily married for 50 years?
Divorce proceedings cost money

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Why do Jews like to watch porn backwards?
Because they love it when she gives the money back.

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What is the same between a Jew and Money?
I would actually care if I lost 6 million Dollars.

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Why do Jews watch porn backwards?
They love the scene where the hooker gives the money back.

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What do you call a Jew with no money?
A Liar

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Why do Jews Have So Much Money?
They always keep the tips.

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What is a jewish person's favourite part of porn?
The money shot.

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Why does god always need money?
He's a greedy jew.

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why do jews watch porn backwards?
so they can cum when he hands the prostitute money

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An old Jewish beggar was out on the street, begging with his tin cup.


A man passed by and the beggar said to the man, "Sir, could you spare 3 cents for a cup of coffee?"
And the man said, "Where do get coffee for 3 cents?"
And the beggar said, "Who buys retail?"

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Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.


His mother was Jewish and his father was Hispanic.
So Johnny says, "Mum, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?"
"What does it really matter? You’ll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him.
So Johnny’s father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question,
"Dad, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?"
"What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you’re more Jewish or more Hispanic?" asks his dad.
"Well, it’s like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don’t know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark and steel the fucking thing!"

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So a Jewish boy asks his dad for some money...

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Did you hear about the kind and humble Jew that donated a lot of money to charity?
Neither did I.

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TOP DEATH JOKES THAT ARE JEW

Most funny jew jokes about death.

On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:
Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.

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In USSR we had this joke
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

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A joung Jew loved to read books
He loved to read so much that he read all of the books in the library in his town. So one day he went to a bookstore and asked if they had a book that he haven't read yet. An old Jew that worked there said yes and handed the boy a strange, covered in dust book titled "DEATH". He said to the boy:

"Here is the book that you've probably never heard of. I can sell it to you for $10 if you promise me to never, ever open it at the last page."

The boy agreed and bought the book. He read it and liked it very much, but, as promised, he didn't open it at the last page. One day he could bear it no longer and checked the last page. "Suggested Retail Price: $5".

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On his deathbed, on old Jew tells his wife:
'Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no?' - ' Sure I was, Moshe'

'When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me, no?- ' I was Moshe.'

'And now you're at my death bed, aren't you?' - 'I am, darling'

'I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.'

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In USSR we had a joke
A terminally ill jewish man is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wishes to join the Communist Party. A partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist dies"

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A Jewish dad is lying on his death bed...
A Jewish dad is lying on his death bed, he calls out for his wife and she squeezes his hand and tells him, "I'm here sweetheart."
"Good" he tells her, "and my son?"
"I'm here papa" says the boy.
"Good", says the dad, "and where is your sister?"
"Oh papa, I'm here too!" The girl responds.
The fathers face becomes angry, and he yells, "Then why the hell is the light on in the other room if you're all in this one?"

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A jew in his death bed and a Rolex
A jew in his death bed is surrounded by his family, ready to say farewell to their patriarch.

In his last moments, the jew takes something out of his pocket, calls his oldest son and says: "Yitzhak, here I have a 1935 Rolex Oyster Perpetual Chronometer."

"I see it daddy", answers the son


And then the old men continues, "This watch as with me during my whole life. It first belonged to my father's father, then to my father, and finally to me".

With tears in his eyes, the elder son replies, "It's a beautiful watch with a beautiful story, Daddy"

Finally, the jew with a proud look and feeling accomplished asks, "Wanna buy?"

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A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane when suddenly the engine brakes down
There are no parachutes on the plane, so the men must rely on their faith to save them from death.

The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off the plane and survives the fall, but dies later in a hospital.

The Jew says a prayer jumps off the plane, and survives the fall, but injures his spinal cord and is paralyzed from the waist down.

The Buddhist says a prayer, jumps off the plane, and is caught by a giant Buddha hand.

The Buddhist, relieved to have been caught, says, "Thank God," and the hand drops him.

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A Jewish man is on his death bed.
A Jewish man is on his death bed and calls for his wife.
Wife: Im here darling.
Man: Are my kids here in this room?
Wife: Yes of course they are love.
Man: What about my grand kids?
Wife: Yes darling they are all here.
Man: What about my 2 brothers and sister? are they in this room?
Wife: Yes dear we are all here with you.
Man: Then why the hell are the lights on in the living room?

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this is for my country
Four guys climb the highest observation point in the world. A white guy, black, jew, and german.

Theyr reach the very top and the german leans over the edge and is taken aback by the view.

Suddenly he shouts out "THIS IS FOR MY COUNTRY!" And leaps to his death.

Feeling a sudden urge of patriotism the jew leans over the edge and shouts "THIS IS FOR MY COUNTRY!!!" and leaps to his death.

Scared from witnesing two apparent suicides the black guy leans over the edge to check if the two had survived the fall.

"THIS IS FOR MY COUNTRY!!!' Shouts the white man and pushes the black guy over the edge and proceeds to walk back down.





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Jewish Joke
Old Jewish man on his death bed requests a priest. His family not understand why complies and requests a priest who on arrival is told by the old man that he wishes to convert to Christianity. The family is in disbelief and once the father has left asks the old man why? His replies "well if anyone has to die I would rather it be one of them".

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Q: How do you fit 100 Jews in a car?
A: Three in the back, two in the front and the rest in the ashtray.

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A jewish father was on his death bed with his family around him...
He whispered
"son, come close"
And his son leaned forward so he's inches away from his father. The father grabs a watch from his night stand, a very fancy one, and whispers
"son, this watch has been worn by multiple generations, your great grandfather, your grandfather, and me."
The son with tears on his face says
"Yes father, what about it"
And his father, with his last breaths says:
"We'll, son... Wanna buy it?"

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Q: What do you call a flying Jew?
A: Ashes.

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Q: What was Hitler's favorite drink?
A: Concentrated jews.

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Since we seem to be doing Jewish jokes...
An old Jewish man is on his death bead, surrounded by his loving family, and preparing to move into the Olam Habah.
While he's lying there, he smells a delicious smell and immediately recognizes it as his wife's delicious apple pie.
He whispers to his eldest daughter:
"Sarah, my time has almost come. Would you mind doing me one last favor?"
Sarah replies: "Of course, Abba. What do you want?"
"I want you to go into the other room and get me one last slice of your mother's delicious apple pie"
So Sarah runs off to get a slice of the pie.
She comes back a few minutes later and says "mom says it's for the funeral."

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Jewish Man calls Newspaper office to print death news of his Grandpa
Clerk: Rs.50 per word

Jewish Man: Grandpa Dead

Clerk: Sorry Sir, Minimum 5 words required ...

Jewish Man: "Grandpa Dead, Wheelchair for Sale!

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Why was Good Friday a favorite Nazi holiday?
Because people all over the world celebrated the death of a Jew.

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Q: What is the difference between Harry Potter and a jew?
A: Harry Potter escaped the chamber.

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Two jewelers saw a man get shot to death.
The first jeweler looks at the second and says, "I'm absolutely opalled!

The second just looks down and says, "I dunno man, I'm just too jaded to care."

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Q: Hey, what's the jew doing in the ashtray?
A: Family research.

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Q: What's the difference between Santa Claus and Jews?
A: Santa comes down the chimney.

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Q: What's the difference between a bullet and a Jew?
A: A bullet actually comes out of its chamber.

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Q: How do you kill 1000 Jews at once?
A: Throw a dollar off a cliff.

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How Jews Shower
Same as you dummy!

First they get nice and wet,

and then they get gassed to death.

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The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

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CONCLUSION

Best of 54 Jew Jokes. Best jew jokes along with funniest short jokes, which can be racist, black humor, dirty, or about money, success and death.

You've read some of the best jew jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty jew gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in January 2020.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these jew jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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