The Best 71 Jesus Jokes

Looking for a laugh? Check out our collection of funny Jesus jokes. If you like clean jokes, you're sure to find these religious puns and one-liners hilarious.

Top 10 Funniest Jesus Jokes and Puns

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

Cashier: Scans Condoms

Do you need a bag sir?

Me: Jesus, she's not that ugly

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture up.

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"



I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

jokes about jesus

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.


What's the difference between a hooker and jesus?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

Jesus joke, A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...

If Mary had aborted Jesus...

would he have reappeared in her womb three days later?

Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?

They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

I've started a business crafting small figurines of Jesus.

I'm only making a little prophet.

What car does Jesus drive?

A Christler

I'm so sorry...

You can explore jesus god reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean jesus savior dad jokes. There are also jesus puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples...

"Thirteen glasses of water, please!", Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others...

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.

He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?"

So God, a Jew and a Zombie walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hey Jesus"

An old lady in front of me dropped $20 and I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

Why do some people think Jesus was black?

Cause he is our father, and he never came back.

Jesus joke, Why do some people think Jesus was black?

Jesus walks into a restaurant...

And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please"

Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you."

Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side"

Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: A table for 26, please.

Headwaiter: But there's only . . . um, 13 of you.

Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.


If Jesus was on a penny they would call it a JC Penny

I get sad every time I look in a mirror

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

Judas: CΒ΄mon Jesus weΒ΄re gonna be late for last supper

Jesus: The what??
Judas: The supper.. weΒ΄re gonna be late for supper.

Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?

Because he isn't real.

Why is Jesus always shown having a 6 pack?

Because of all his cross training

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?

Jesus can make them both wine.

Jesus joke, What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?

I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?"

... so I turned it into wine.

Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.


Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans...

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.

Boy wants a car from his Dad

the Dad says, "first you gotta cut that hair."

Boy says, "but Dad, Jesus had long hair"

and Dad says
"that's right son, and Jesus walked everywhere"

(credit goes to the band The Silver Jews)

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...

It's my screen savior...

Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucifixion?

CrossFit

Jesus may have walked on water...

But Stephen Hawking can run on batteries


Jesus and the disciples are at the last supper...

Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."

Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."

Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

What makes Hitler better than Jesus?

Jesus could only feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. Hitler made 6,000,000 Jews toast.

Jesus sacrificed his life for your sins…

Except he came back…

So, what did he really sacrifice?

His weekend?

Jesus sacrificed his weekend for your sins…

Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind?

He's afraid he'll get double crossed

So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...

So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"

Floppy disks are like Jesus

They died to become the icon of saving

How did Jesus get in such good shape?

Crossfit

Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.

So I took it and turned it into wine.

Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit?

He used praypal.

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

I found a wallet what do i do?

I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

Pornhub premium users are like jesus

They pay for our sins.

Ever wonder how a Jehovah's Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you're here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.

He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account

because Jesus saves.

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine?

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

A drunk man

A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,

"Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."

The 1st priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."

Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."

The 2nd priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."

The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it. So he takes the 2 priests into the bar and the bartender says,

"Jesus Christ. You're back again?"

A Tibetan monk was making his morning toast when he saw, in the margarine, the face of Jesus. He gasped and said,

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it's Good Friday I thought to myself, What would Jesus do? .

So I turned it into wine...

3 reasons Jesus was actually Irish

1. He went out drinking with his buddies the night before he died.
2. He thought his mother was a virgin.
3. His mother thought he was God.

A Jew walks into a church to see what it's all about

Before the pastor begins his sermon he exclaims: "Jews are not welcomed in this church! All Jews must leave immediately".

The Jew gets up, walks to the podium on which is standing a magnificent statue of Jesus, picks it up and says: "come on Yossle we are not welcomed here"

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a cracker.

If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God...

Did Mary have a little lamb?

I found a bundle of dollar bills in the street. As a devout Christian, I asked myself, What would Jesus do?

So I turned it into wine.

How do you exclude a Christian?

Include everybody like Jesus would do.

Jesus drove a Honda, but never spoke of it.

"For I speak not of my own Accord" - John 12:49

I found $10 on the sidewalk and I was going to keep it, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

a Scottish man walks into a bar in canada

He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it

"A moose" replied the bartender

"Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" Said the scot

Judas: Hey Jesus, you coming to the last supper?

Jesus: the what?

Judas: the supper…I mean are you coming to the supper?

Yo mama joke I thought of it

Yo mama is so fat and old that she's still eating from the last supper.





Edit : Jesus Christ this blew up. Didn't know so many of you had to release yo mamas from your system.

Jesus heard that...

there was going to be a stoning at the edge of town, so he headed that way.

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

The crowd goes silent.

Suddenly, a rock comes flying from the back of the crowd and BOOM, knocks out the offender.

Jesus waves his arm to part the crowd, revealing the thrower:

"Mom! I asked you not to come to these things!"

I had a Jehovah witness

Knock on my door one day and asked to come in and speak with me about Jesus.

I said sure come on in, so we went to living room and sat down. And I asked, so what do you want to talk about?


And they said we're really not sure we have never made it this far before.

Jesus encourages us to confess our sins.

Something my lawyer has specifically advised against.

Jesus is hanging on the cross.

There's a big loud crowd gathered when he's heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it. He runs around to the far side and tries again. Again he's beaten back. Finally after several more attempts a beaten and bloody Matthew makes it to the cross.

Yes lord what do you have to tell me

Jesus replies I can see your house from up here

Jesus invited prostitutes to dine with him, and he's the light of the world,

I do it, and it ruins Thanksgiving.

If Christians are against gay marriage...

Why do they always talk about Jesus marryin' Joseph?

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the jesus crucified puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working jesus jesus of nazareth piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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