jesus Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious jesus puns

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

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Cashier: Scans Condoms

Do you need a bag sir?

Me: Jesus, she's not that ugly

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"

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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture up.

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"



I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

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What's the difference between a hooker and jesus?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

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"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

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I found a wallet what do i do?

I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

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Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind?

He's afraid he'll get double crossed

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Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucifixion?

CrossFit

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What makes Hitler better than Jesus?

Jesus could only feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. Hitler made 6,000,000 Jews toast.

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How did Jesus get in such good shape?

Crossfit

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Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

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Jesus walks into a restaurant...

And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please"

Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you."

Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side"

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What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.

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People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

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An old lady in front of me dropped $20 and I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

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Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: A table for 26, please.

Headwaiter: But there's only . . . um, 13 of you.

Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus."

"A miracle?!" he laughed.

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

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So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...

So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"

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Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.

So I took it and turned it into wine.

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What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?

Jesus can make them both wine.

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If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

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Jesus may have walked on water...

But Stephen Hawking can run on batteries

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Why do some people think Jesus was black?

Cause he is our father, and he never came back.

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Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

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Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples...

"Thirteen glasses of water, please!", Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others...

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The problem with letting Jesus take the wheel...

Is that that motherfucker ain't afraid to die.

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A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.

He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?"

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What car does Jesus drive?

A Christler


I'm so sorry...

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Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans...

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.

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I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?"

... so I turned it into wine.

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Little Jimmy in the car.

Little Jimmy is in the car with his mother and shes driving down the highway.
A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys.
All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windscreen of the car.
"What was that mummy" says Jimmy,
"Oh... it was a fly" replies the mother, slightly embarrased,
"Jesus!" says Jimmy, "Did you see the size of the cock on him!"

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Judas: CΒ΄mon Jesus weΒ΄re gonna be late for last supper

Jesus: The what??
Judas: The supper.. weΒ΄re gonna be late for supper.

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A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

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What are the best Jesus jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Jesus? Well, here are the best Jesus dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Jesus pick up lines to share with friends.

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