The Best 75 Jesus Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Jesus jokes. There are some jesus christians jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these jesus jesus is watching you puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Jesus Jokes and Puns

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

Cashier: Scans Condoms

Do you need a bag sir?

Me: Jesus, she's not that ugly

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture up.

Jesus joke, What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"



I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.


What's the difference between a hooker and jesus?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

Jesus joke, A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...

If Mary had aborted Jesus...

would he have reappeared in her womb three days later?

[NSFW] Dad, I am a lesbian

1st Daughter:"Dad, I am a lesbian"
Dad; "Oh okay!"
2nd Daughter: "I'm a lesbian too..."
Dad: "Jesus Christ, does any one in this family love dicks?"
Son: "I do."

Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?

They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

I've started a business crafting small figurines of Jesus.

I'm only making a little prophet.

You can explore jesus bethlehem reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean jesus apostles dad jokes. There are also jesus puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What car does Jesus drive?

A Christler

I'm so sorry...

Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples...

"Thirteen glasses of water, please!", Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others...

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.

He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?"

Jesus, take the wheel

Carlos, take the stereo

What musical group is Jesus most afraid of?

Nine Inch Nails

Jesus joke, What musical group is Jesus most afraid of?

So God, a Jew and a Zombie walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hey Jesus"

An old lady in front of me dropped $20 and I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

Why do some people think Jesus was black?

Cause he is our father, and he never came back.


Jesus walks into a restaurant...

And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please"

Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you."

Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side"

Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

Unlike Jesus, I did not have a virgin birth

It is, however, looking increasing likely that I'll have a virgin death

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: A table for 26, please.

Headwaiter: But there's only . . . um, 13 of you.

Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.

A drunk walks up to two priests.

He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The priest shakes his head. "No son, you're not." The drunk goes up to the second priest. "I'm Jesus Christ."

The second priest gives the same answer.

The drunk glares at them for a second. "Look I can prove it. Follow me." He leads them to a bar and walks inside. The bartender takes one look at him and says "Jesus Christ, you're here again?!"

If Jesus was on a penny they would call it a JC Penny

I get sad every time I look in a mirror

Jesus and floppy discs are very similar

They both died to become the image of saving

A little boy is hit by a bus...

...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:

"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"

To which the little boy replies:

"How can you think about sex in a time like this?"

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

What's the difference between jesus and a hooker?

The noises they make as you're nailing them

Judas: CΒ΄mon Jesus weΒ΄re gonna be late for last supper

Jesus: The what??
Judas: The supper.. weΒ΄re gonna be late for supper.

Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA?

Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?

Because he isn't real.

Why is Jesus always shown having a 6 pack?

Because of all his cross training

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?

Jesus can make them both wine.

I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?"

... so I turned it into wine.

Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.

Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans...

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.

Boy wants a car from his Dad

the Dad says, "first you gotta cut that hair."

Boy says, "but Dad, Jesus had long hair"

and Dad says
"that's right son, and Jesus walked everywhere"

(credit goes to the band The Silver Jews)

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...

It's my screen savior...

I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room.

For Jesus.

Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucifixion?

CrossFit

"Jesus loves you."

A nice thing to hear in church. And a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Jesus may have walked on water...

But Stephen Hawking can run on batteries

Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Jesus and the disciples are at the last supper...

Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."

Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."

Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

What makes Hitler better than Jesus?

Jesus could only feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. Hitler made 6,000,000 Jews toast.

Jesus sacrificed his life for your sins…

Except he came back…

So, what did he really sacrifice?

His weekend?

Jesus sacrificed his weekend for your sins…

Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind?

He's afraid he'll get double crossed

So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...

So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"

Floppy disks are like Jesus

They died to become the icon of saving

There are three truths in religion:

1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

You know why the gates of heaven are always left open?

Cuz Jesus was raised in a barn!

How did Jesus get in such good shape?

Crossfit

Jesus wants you to give him your soul

Whereas satan is willing to buy it off you.

Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.

So I took it and turned it into wine.

Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit?

He used praypal.

A guy gets thrown out of a bar.

Two priests approach the guy that was thrown out. He looks at the first priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest shakes his head.

The guy looks at the second priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The second priest also shakes his head.

"Okay, let me prove it to you." The guy walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back already?"

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

I found a wallet what do i do?

I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

Pornhub premium users are like jesus

They pay for our sins.

Ever wonder how a Jehovah's Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you're here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.

He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account

because Jesus saves.

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine?

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

The sermon on the mount

Jesus: "Verily, I tell you: xΒ²+5x+10."

Mark: "Huh? What's the boss talking about?"

John: "Never mind, he's just mixing up parable and parabola again."

Jesus enters the restaurant where the last supper is going to take place. Jesus: table for 26, please Waiter: I count only 13 people

Jesus: Yeah, but we are all going to sit on the same side

Jesus and the woman taken in adultery

The crowd is about to stone her, but Jesus steps in front of them and says "Verily, the one who is among you that is without sin may cast the first stone!"

All of them let their hand sink, bow their heads in shame. There suddenly, from the back, a stone comes flying, hitting the woman squarely in the face. Furiously, Jesus storms through the crowd to see who dared to, who thinks himself to be without sin. He finds the thrower, grimaces and stomps his feet.

"Stop doing this! You always do that, always you have to embarrass me in front of my friends, MOM!"

What did the doctor say to Jesus?

You need to get more iron in your body.

Jesus walks into a bar.

Jesus: 12 waters please! *winks at disciples.

Two priests and a rabbi are playing poker in a basement

The cops bust in and seeing they are all men of God decide to give them the chance to explain. They turn to the first priest:

Father, were you gambling?

As God is my witness, the priest replies, I was not .

They let the first priest go. They turn to the second priest:

Father, were you gambling?

As Jesus is my witness, the priest replies, I was not .

The let the second priest go. They finally turn to the rabbi:

Rabbi, were you gambling?

The rabbi looks around and says, With whom?

What did Jesus do when Mary Magdalene tracked dirt through the house?

Jesus swept.

What's the difference between Jesus and a photo of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the photo.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the jesus crossfit jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working jesus where is jesus piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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