Jesus Christ Jokes
141 jesus christ jokes and hilarious jesus christ puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about jesus christ that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Jesus Christ Short Jokes
Short jesus christ jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jesus christ humour may include short god almighty jokes also.
- Ever wonder how a Jehovah's Witness spreads their word during Covid? Now that you're here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
- What do you call it when a zombie steals an idea Plaguegiarism
Jesus Christ dafuq is wrong with me - Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ. It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian
- (Original) What do Jesus Christ and Communism have in common? They both fed 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish.
- Brain cells die, skin cells die, even hair cells die. But FAT CELLS… must have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior because they seem to have eternal life.
- Jesus Christ walks into a motel and drops a handful of nails on the counter. He asks Can you put me up for the night ?
- What do the Dallas Cowboys and the Rev. Billie Graham have in common? Both can make 70,000 people stand up and shout "JESUS CHRIST!"
- Jesus Christ was featured on a recent episode of Hoarders Apparently, his saving really got out of control!
- I hate it when people at church always tell me Jesus Christ will return soon… Like dude, calm down, he was nailed to a cross, not a boomerang!
- What's the difference between Jesus Christ and Matt Gaetz? Matt Gaetz is not coming back after he's crucified
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Jesus Christ One Liners
Which jesus christ one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jesus christ? I can suggest the ones about jeez and jesus and mary.
- If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account because Jesus saves.
- If Jesus Christ died for our sins... then who died for our cos and tans?
- Jesus Christ was supposed to be named Franklin.... Until Mary stubbed her toe.
- What was Jesus Christ's least favorite form of exercise? Cross fit.
- Why is Jesus Christ so buff? Crossfit
- What is the biggest miracle of Jesus Christ? Being white in Middle East.
- What were Jesus Christ's pronouns? He/Hymn
- Jesus Christ himself was a Ford man ....he walked everywhere.
- People call me god Every time I walk in the room they say Jesus Christ, he's here again.
- My coworkers worship me. Every time I show up, I hear them say "Jesus Christ!"
- What kind of car did Jesus drive A Christ-ler.
- Why did Jesus's nieces and nephews hate his wife? Because she was the Aunty Christ.
- Why is Jesus Christ gay? Because he was nailed by guys.
- why can't jesus christ eat m&m's? because they keep on falling through his hands
- If Jesus Christ was born today... DNA tests would figure out who the father was.
Howlingly Hilarious Jesus Christ Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about jesus christ you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean son of god jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make jesus christ pranks.
A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.
"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.
"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.
"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"
What is the difference between Dale Earnhardt Jr and Jesus Christ?
One of them is the son of God and the other one died for your sins
Jesus likes to drink wine.
As we all know, Jesus liked to drink wine. One day, however, he got tired of wine. He said unto John and Thomas, "Go, and fetch me some ingredients so that I may create another kind of drink." And so they went to the market, and John asked Thomas "So, what should we get Him?" Thomas responds, "The rice, for Christ's sake."
Who knows where Jesus is?
A Sunday School teacher was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
There's a new type of h**... on the market that's called "Jesus Christ"
Finally a way for people to feel good after taking the lord's name in vein
Jesus and Moses are playing golf.
After teeing off, Jesus asks Moses which club he should use to clear the water hazard and Moses says, "Use your 4 iron". Jesus says, "No, Tiger Woods would use a 6 iron". His shots goes into the water. Jesus walks out onto the water to find his ball and is seen by another golfer who says to Moses, "Look at that guy. Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses says, "He is Jesus Christ, he THINKS he's Tiger Woods."
An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.
It is believed to be so offensive that St Mary's church in Dublin have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy O'Neill from Dinlge has written a strongly worded letter.
When will the madness end?
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger...
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed.
Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."
So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...
...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.
During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.
"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"
"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"
Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.
"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The pope exclaims, "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"
Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate."
The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"
The aliens respond, "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"
What's the difference between a religious revival and a bikers rally?
At a religious revival, they say "STAND UP FOR JESUS"
At a bikers rally, they say "SIT DOWN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE"
A priest meets a drunk outside a bar.
The drunk claims to be Jesus, but the priest doesn't believe him. The drunk insists, so the priest demands the drunk prove it. At this, the drunk leads the priest into the bar, upon which the bartender exclaims in disbelief "Jesus Christ, not you again."
A woman visits her hypnotherapist
A weeping woman visits her hypnotherapist and laments, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and slept with another man... The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!"
To which the hypnotherapist replies, "Jesus Christ, not again!"
Priest DUI
So a priest is driving along, swerving a bit and gets pulled over, the officer asks him 'have you had anything to drink tonight father' to which the priest replies 'only water' the officer then points out a empty bottle of wine in the passenger seat, the priest then shouts 'Jesus Christ! He's done it again!'
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.
He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?"
A drunk man runs into a Priest
A drunk man stumbles out a bar and walks straight into a Preist. The man sees his chance and says "Look Father! I'm Jesus Christ!"
The Preist tells him he isn't but the man is adament to show the Priest, so he takes the Preist im and walks upvto the bar.
The bartender says "Jesus Christ, what do you want now?"
An Irish mother comes home from holiday
Mother to her son: "Where's your brother jimmy?"
Son: " Oh, He died."
Mother: "Jesus christ! Don't just come out with something like that, at least give me a warning of some sorts, like say he was on the roof and he fell off it or something!"
Son: "Oh ok, sorry mother"
Mother: "Never mind about that, where's your father?"
Son: "Well, He was on the roof..."
You hear Pete Carroll is getting recruited for a new job..
Yeah, he is getting offers from the Pope at the Vatican! The Pope said that if he can make 100 million people say "Jesus Christ" at the same time, he needs to work for the Catholic Church
the most famous person in the history of the world
The teacher addressed his class,"I'll give five dollars to anybody who can name the most famous person in the history of the world."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said,"St. Patrick."
"Sorry Seamus, that's not correct."
Then a French boy raised his hand and said,"Napoleon."
The teacher replied,"I'm sorry, Jean, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and answered,"Jesus Christ."
"That's right, David! You win the five dollars. Congratulations!" As the teacher was handing over the cash he said,"You know David, I'm surprised you said Jesus Christ."
"Yeah, in my heart I knew it was Moses. But business is business."
Little Johnny... Finding Jesus
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
There are three priests...
...at a bus stop. And a man walks up to them and says "I'm Jesus Christ." The three priests look at him and say "no you're not." "Oh yeah?" Replies the man. "Follow me" So the priests follow the man to a bar, and they walk inside. The bartender immediately yells "Jesus Christ, you're back already!?" At the man. To which the man says to the priests "I told ya"
Two hotdogs
Two hotdogs were frying in a frying pan. 1st hotdog : "Help help, I'm burning! I will die! Get me out of here!" 2nd hotdog (to himself) : "Jesus Christ, a talking hotdog."
A drunk guy walks out of a bar
There's a cop outside who asks him, "What's your name, son?"
The drunk guys answers, "I'm Jesus Christ!"
Cop says, "You are not Jesus Christ. What's your name?"
Drunk guy replies, "I'll prove it. Follow me." The cop follows him back into the bar.
As they enter, the bartender yells, "Jesus Christ! Are you back again?!"
Drunk guys turns to cop and says, "See?"
Convert today! $5000
Two elderly Jewish men were walking along when they came across a sign "Convert today! $5000." One of the men was interested and said he was going to see what it was all about. His friend had no interest and said he would wait on a bench. After 8 hours finally the man returns from the church.
"What happened that took forever?"
"Well the priest sat me down and explained to me all the things I have been doing wrong in my life. I realized he was right and I have converted."
"Yea yea but what about the $5000?"
"Jesus Christ is that all you people think about?"
A drunken bearded man is stumbling around outside a bar . . .
"I'm Jesus Christ! I am Jesus Christ!" He's yelling. No one bothers with him as he paces around waving his arms. Finally a man walks up, "I'm Jesus Christ" he yells at the man. "Ok" says the man "prove it and I'll give you 10 dollars." So the drunk nods and walks into the bar. "OH JESUS CHRIST!" Says the bartender, "not you again!"
A nun hears overhears a bunch of construction workers swearing and decides to head over there for lunch one day...
The nun sits down at the lunch table with her little sack lunch and turns to a group of workers and says:
"Have any of you ever heard of Jesus Christ?"
One worker stands up and yells to everyone on the site: "Hey! Has anyone here ever heard of Jesus Christ?"
Another worker shouts back: "Why?"
The first worker says: "Because his mom's here with his lunch!"
Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish
But h**... made 6,000,000 jews toast
A drunk walks up to two priests.
He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The priest shakes his head. "No son, you're not." The drunk goes up to the second priest. "I'm Jesus Christ."
The second priest gives the same answer.
The drunk glares at them for a second. "Look I can prove it. Follow me." He leads them to a bar and walks inside. The bartender takes one look at him and says "Jesus Christ, you're here again?!"
Three priests walk into a bar
and see a man whos already had a few drinks. The man walks up to them and says "you know I'm jesus christ". One of the priests replies "I don't think you are son" so the man says right, I'll prove it to you. He walks out of the bar and a few seconds later comes stumbling back in. The barman sees him and shout "jesus christ not you again"
The Pope is teaching a Sunday school class
"Children" begins the Pope. "Where's Jesus today?"
Little Tommy says: "He's in my heart."
Little Barry says: "He's in Heaven."
Little Davey says: "He's in our bathroom."
The surprised Pope asks Little Davey how he knows this.
"Well," says Little Davey, "every day my Dad bangs on our bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"
A boy pokes a girl with a pin at church
The church priest asks the girl a question "who is our lord and savior?" *the boy stabs her with the pin* she yells "JESUS CHRIST" the priest says "good good, who created us" *the boy stabs her again* she yells "GOD ALMIGHTY" the priest says "good good, now, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 42nd child?" *he stabs her again* the girl screams "IF YOU PUT THAT THING IN MY ONE MORE TIME IM GONNA SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR t**...!" The priest faints..
A Buddhist is stopped by a Christian woman in the street
"Will you consider following the word of the Lord Jesus Christ?" She asks.
The Buddhist replied, "Maybe next time round,"
Anyone who thinks Jesus wasn't a white man has never been to communion
The body of Christ is a c**....
Jesus and Paul are playing golf
Jesus hits his ball out into the middle of a water hazzard. He walks on the water and hits the ball to within a couple of feet of the cup.
The greens keeper walks up to Paul and says "who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?"
Paul replies "no, he think's he's Arnold Palmer"
Four nuns about to take their vows..
Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.
Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said, "I am so honored you want to share this experience with us. May I ask why you came?"
"We're from the groom's family."
How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. There is only one light. Your true lord and saviour Jesus Christ.
Nurse walks in and says, "Doc, what are you doing?"
Doctor says, "I'm writing a prescription."
Nurse says, "But you're holding your thermometer."
He says, "Jesus Christ, some a**...'s got my pen!"
Jesus Christ may have fed 2000 people with bread and wine...
But Adolf h**... made 6 million Jews toast
Jesus Christ turned water into wine and got worshiped by millions.
I turned w**... into cookies and now I have to wash dishes at an olive Garden to pay rent.
Lesbian daughter
Daughter: dad I'm lesbian
2nd daughter: dad so am I!
Dad: Jesus Christ, does anyone in this house like men?
Son: I do!
A drunk walks into a church.
Drunk: "I'm Jesus Christ!!!"
The pastor stops his sermon and just stares at him.
Drunk: "I'm Jesus Christ!!!"
Pastor: "Sir, you are not Jesus. Can you please leave?"
Drunk: "I am. And I can prove it. Follow me!"
The pastor and some church members follow him. He walks down the street a ways, crosses, and enters a bar. The pastor follows.
Drunk: "HEY EVERYBODY!!!"
Bartender: "Jesus Christ! Are you here again?!"
a Jewish kid asks his dad for 50 dollars
The dad replies. "50 dollars? Jesus Christ 40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for?"
Jesus Christ walks into a bar.
He says to the bartender "I'll just have a glass of water."
The bartender replies "Jesus, I am not falling for this again!"
An Old Man is thrown out of a bar
A young man who was walking down the street says "Hey Old-Timer, what happened in there". The old man looks at him and says "Well son, I am Jesus Christ". "Jesus Christ?", the young man replied skeptically. "Yes my son, follow me", the old man said as he walked into the bar.
As he enters, the bartender turns around and says "Jesus Christ! not you again!"
How do you know Jesus Christ was Irish?
He was an unemployed 33 year old carpenter who still lived with his parents
p**... Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing how great their uncles are
p**... Scotsman says "my uncle is a priest, when he walks down the road everyone nods and say father"
"That's nothing" says p**... Englishman, "My uncle is a bishop, when he walks down the road everyone BOWS and says your grace". Not to be outdone, p**... Irishman looks at them both and laughs. "My uncle weighs over 400lbs (200kg). When he walks down the road everyone says JESUS CHRIST!".
What do you call a crucified zombie?
Jesus Christ.
Why is Jesus Christ the worst perosn to play first person shooters with?
He takes three days to respawn
When Jesus Christ was crucified his cross was custom made
It fit him to a t
Wanna know how I can prove Jesus was white?
The body of Christ is a c**....
Dad:Look sweetie there's plenty of other fishermen in the sea.
Daughter: Don't you mean fish?
Dad: Jesus Christ! You're a lesbian!?!?
What do Billy Graham and the Detroit Lions have in common?
Both can make 20,000 people stand up and yell, "JESUS CHRIST!"
In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus Christ saw every sin imaginable...
Meaning he saw some dude blasting rope to Waluigi h**... and still decided to save humanity. What a absolute legend.
Why is h**... a better person than Jesus Christ?
Jesus Christ fed 2000 jews with 5 loaves of bread, while h**... made 6 million Jews toast
I saw the Lord today...
I was siting at the bar when a man walked in. The bartender looked up and said, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?".
Jesus Christ walks into an inn...
... he puts three nails on the innkeeper's table and asks, "Can you put me up for the night?"
A guy gets thrown out of a bar.
Two priests approach the guy that was thrown out. He looks at the first priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest shakes his head.
The guy looks at the second priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The second priest also shakes his head.
"Okay, let me prove it to you." The guy walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back already?"
God, a man, and Satan walk into a bar
Bartender: JESUS CHRIST!
God: No, he couldn't make it, this is Steve.
A Drunkard and The Priests
A drunkard stammers out of a bar and ran into 2 priests. He ran up to them and says, I'm Jesus Christ.
The priests reply No son, you are not.
The drunk says, Look, I can prove it~ and walk back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes a look at the drunk and exclaim,
Jesus Christ, you are here again?
Jesus Christ wasn't white...
But according to Catholics he's still a c**....
Pilot: Ladies and gentleman, I have to inform you we are losing altitude
(pause)
And the reason we are losing altitude is because we are about to land.
(Jesus Christ, funny pilots...)
The Drunk says to a priest.....
"I'm Jesus Christ" The priest says "no son, your not" The drunk turns and tells another priest "I'm Jesus Christ " The priest says "no son, your not" So the drunk says " here I'll prove it " The drunk walks into the bar and the bartender says " Jesus Christ, your here again?!"
Little Johnny is in Catholic School
The nun teaching the class asks, "Where do you sense Jesus in your life?"
Little Susie, being a good girl says, "I see Jesus when I pray."
Little Timmy says, "I can feel Jesus' presence during Mass."
Little Johnny, with his hand waving eagerly in the air, is finally called on. Johnny says, "Jesus is in my bathroom every morning."
The nun, obviously confused, asks why Johnny thinks this.
Little Johnny answers saying, "Each morning that my Father is late to work, he pounds on the bathroom door saying, 'JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?"
A Christian,Muslim and Hindu had a fight on a plane
It was decided they would all try to make other passenger stand by chanting their spiritual words. The person who made most people stand up is the winner.
There were 40 passengers on board
Christian : Bless us Jesus Christ
5 passengers stand up
Hindu : Jai Mata Di
3 passengers stand up
Muslim : Allah hu Akbar
37 passengers Stand Up.
.
.
.
.
.
And jumped out of the plane.
Christmas movie surprise.
Last night I watched a Nigerian Christmas Movie and on that part when Mary (Jesus's mom) told Joseph that she's pregnant...
Joseph was surprised and shouted; Oohh Jesus Christ!!!
Jesus Christ enters the Inn...
He hands the in keep three nails and asks, will you put me up for the night?
A drunk man stumbles out of a bar.
He runs into two priests outside.
He says to the first one, I'm Jesus Christ. Want me to prove it? .
The priest replies no you're not, you're just a drunk man. .
So the drunk man turns to the second priest and says I'm Jesus Christ, want me to prove it? .
And the second priest says go on.
The trio walks back into the bar, and the bartender looks up and says Jesus Christ, you're back again?!
Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolates
So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.
The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"
The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"
The Pope exclaims, "Every couple of years?? What!!?? We're still waiting for his second coming!"
The alien replies, "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?"
The Pope is flabbergasted, "What does chocolate have to do with anything?"
The alien says, "Well when he came the first time, we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys give him?"
A very very Very old joke :)
