Jesus Christ Jokes
141 jesus christ jokes and hilarious jesus christ puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about jesus christ that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Jesus Christ Short Jokes
Short jesus christ jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jesus christ humour may include short god almighty jokes also.
- Ever wonder how a Jehovah's Witness spreads their word during Covid? Now that you're here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
- What do you call it when a zombie steals an idea Plaguegiarism
Jesus Christ dafuq is wrong with me - Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ. It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian
- (Original) What do Jesus Christ and Communism have in common? They both fed 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish.
- What do the Dallas Cowboys and the Rev. Billie Graham have in common? Both can make 70,000 people stand up and shout "JESUS CHRIST!"
- Jesus Christ was featured on a recent episode of Hoarders Apparently, his saving really got out of control!
- I hate it when people at church always tell me Jesus Christ will return soon… Like dude, calm down, he was nailed to a cross, not a boomerang!
- What's the difference between Jesus Christ and Matt Gaetz? Matt Gaetz is not coming back after he's crucified
- Why is Jesus Christ the worst perosn to play first person shooters with? He takes three days to respawn
- Muhammed, Confucius, and Buddha walk into a bar The bartender spots them and says "aw, Christ!"
Muhammed says, "nah, it's Saturday, Jesus don't drink on the Sabbath."
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Jesus Christ One Liners
Which jesus christ one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jesus christ? I can suggest the ones about jeez and jesus and mary.
- If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account because Jesus saves.
- If Jesus Christ died for our sins... then who died for our cos and tans?
- Jesus Christ was supposed to be named Franklin.... Until Mary stubbed her toe.
- What was Jesus Christ's least favorite form of exercise? Cross fit.
- What is the biggest miracle of Jesus Christ? Being white in Middle East.
- What were Jesus Christ's pronouns? He/Hymn
- Jesus Christ himself was a Ford man ....he walked everywhere.
- People call me god Every time I walk in the room they say Jesus Christ, he's here again.
- My coworkers worship me. Every time I show up, I hear them say "Jesus Christ!"
- Why did Jesus's nieces and nephews hate his wife? Because she was the Aunty Christ.
- If Jesus Christ was born today... DNA tests would figure out who the father was.
- When Jesus Christ was crucified his cross was custom made It fit him to a t
- What do you call a crucified zombie? Jesus Christ.
- What do you call it when your mom's sister is acting like Jesus? The Auntie-Christ
- Jesus Christ was once Arrested. But he was released on Christian Bale.
Howlingly Hilarious Jesus Christ Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about jesus christ you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean son of god jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make jesus christ pranks.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests.
He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not." Finally, the drunk had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "Jesus Christ, you're back AGAIN?"
My coworker who believes Jesus Christ was the immaculately conceived son of God who rose from the dead can't believe it's Monday already.
A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.
"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.
"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.
"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"
What is the difference between Dale Earnhardt Jr and Jesus Christ?
One of them is the son of God and the other one died for your sins
Jesus likes to drink wine.
As we all know, Jesus liked to drink wine. One day, however, he got tired of wine. He said unto John and Thomas, "Go, and fetch me some ingredients so that I may create another kind of drink." And so they went to the market, and John asked Thomas "So, what should we get Him?" Thomas responds, "The rice, for Christ's sake."
The Pope and a couple of Astronauts make it to Mars.
There, they meet a bunch of Martians. The Pope who was eager to know If Christianity is universal asks one of the martians; Have you heard of Jesus Christ?
Well yes, says the martian, we know him quiet well he visits us regularly. What do you do for him to visit you regularly? We give him a box of chocolates every year he visits us, why what do you give him?
The Pope fell silent.
Who knows where Jesus is?
A Sunday School teacher was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
I was folding my pants, fresh out the drier, and found a dollar in a pocket. Jesus Christ...
How long have I been laundering money?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a new type of h**... on the market that's called "Jesus Christ"
Finally a way for people to feel good after taking the lord's name in vein
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus and Moses are playing golf.
After teeing off, Jesus asks Moses which club he should use to clear the water hazard and Moses says, "Use your 4 iron". Jesus says, "No, Tiger Woods would use a 6 iron". His shots goes into the water. Jesus walks out onto the water to find his ball and is seen by another golfer who says to Moses, "Look at that guy. Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses says, "He is Jesus Christ, he THINKS he's Tiger Woods."
What does the H. in Jesus H. Christ stand for?
Hallmark. God cares enough to send the very best.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger...
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed.
Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."
So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...
...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.
During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.
"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"
"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"
Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.
"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The pope exclaims, "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"
Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate."
The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"
The aliens respond, "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"
What's the difference between a religious revival and a bikers rally?
At a religious revival, they say "STAND UP FOR JESUS"
At a bikers rally, they say "SIT DOWN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE"
I used to be a huge fan of Jesus Christ...
but then he got double crossed.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.
He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?"
The Walk
I went to a mixed religion seminar.
The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!
I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said, Insha Allah, you will walk today!
I snapped at him, There's nothing wrong with me
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!
I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the sermons, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.
An Irish mother comes home from holiday
Mother to her son: "Where's your brother jimmy?"
Son: " Oh, He died."
Mother: "Jesus christ! Don't just come out with something like that, at least give me a warning of some sorts, like say he was on the roof and he fell off it or something!"
Son: "Oh ok, sorry mother"
Mother: "Never mind about that, where's your father?"
Son: "Well, He was on the roof..."
Boromir
One day Boromir was at a cafe meeting up with his old friend Sandra when he noticed a bruise on her face.
"Oh my God Sandra," he says. "How did you get *another* bruise on your face?"
Sandra looked scared. "I...I ran into a door."
"A door, Sandra?"
"I...I'm clumsy."
"Jesus Christ, Sandra." Says boromir, angry. "One does not simply walk into more doors.'
You hear Pete Carroll is getting recruited for a new job..
Yeah, he is getting offers from the Pope at the Vatican! The Pope said that if he can make 100 million people say "Jesus Christ" at the same time, he needs to work for the Catholic Church
The Pope invited Pete Carroll to a private audience.
The Pope needed his advice, apparently Pete was the only man on earth that could get one million people, at the same time, to stand up and say "JESUS CHRIST"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was Jesus Christ a lousy hockey player?
He was always getting nailed to the boards.
Why couldn't Jesus eat M&M's?
His hands are full of holes!
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jeus?
It only takes one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.
Jesus Christ was a very dedicated gamer
He died for his Sims.
Christ, you're ENORRRRMUS!!
What did the leprechaun say when he met Jesus?
the most famous person in the history of the world
The teacher addressed his class,"I'll give five dollars to anybody who can name the most famous person in the history of the world."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said,"St. Patrick."
"Sorry Seamus, that's not correct."
Then a French boy raised his hand and said,"Napoleon."
The teacher replied,"I'm sorry, Jean, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and answered,"Jesus Christ."
"That's right, David! You win the five dollars. Congratulations!" As the teacher was handing over the cash he said,"You know David, I'm surprised you said Jesus Christ."
"Yeah, in my heart I knew it was Moses. But business is business."
A man was about to jump off a cliff...
...and before he jumped he said, "I'm doing this for Jesus Christ!"
I think he took a leap of faith.
Little Johnny... Finding Jesus
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
Did you hear about the narcissist who called himself Jesus Christ?
He used the Lord's name in vain.
Which woman has Jesus as a nephew?
The Auntie Christ.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just had s**... with Jesus Christ
I wasn't prepared for his second coming.
Two hotdogs
Two hotdogs were frying in a frying pan. 1st hotdog : "Help help, I'm burning! I will die! Get me out of here!" 2nd hotdog (to himself) : "Jesus Christ, a talking hotdog."
A drunk guy walks out of a bar
There's a cop outside who asks him, "What's your name, son?"
The drunk guys answers, "I'm Jesus Christ!"
Cop says, "You are not Jesus Christ. What's your name?"
Drunk guy replies, "I'll prove it. Follow me." The cop follows him back into the bar.
As they enter, the bartender yells, "Jesus Christ! Are you back again?!"
Drunk guys turns to cop and says, "See?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Convert today! $5000
Two elderly Jewish men were walking along when they came across a sign "Convert today! $5000." One of the men was interested and said he was going to see what it was all about. His friend had no interest and said he would wait on a bench. After 8 hours finally the man returns from the church.
"What happened that took forever?"
"Well the priest sat me down and explained to me all the things I have been doing wrong in my life. I realized he was right and I have converted."
"Yea yea but what about the $5000?"
"Jesus Christ is that all you people think about?"
Why did Jesus Christ go to the doctor?
His resurrection lasted more than four hours.
What did they call Jesus Christ when he was crucified?
Holy
A nun hears overhears a bunch of construction workers swearing and decides to head over there for lunch one day...
The nun sits down at the lunch table with her little sack lunch and turns to a group of workers and says:
"Have any of you ever heard of Jesus Christ?"
One worker stands up and yells to everyone on the site: "Hey! Has anyone here ever heard of Jesus Christ?"
Another worker shouts back: "Why?"
The first worker says: "Because his mom's here with his lunch!"
What do you call a crocodile/robot sent from the future to save the past?
Termigator (jesus christ this one's even worse than the last)
My father reminds me of Jesus Christ.
Not that he resembles him or anything. Its just that he left, said he was gonna come back, and never did.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If Jesus could have s**... on his birthday...
That lucky girl would be covered in Christ-mist.
Who is holding the world longest refractory period?
Jesus Christ.
Jesus christ, guys! Can we stop arguing about politics for ONE second and change subject to something more lighthearted?
So what are your guys' thoughts on abortion?
The Pope is teaching a Sunday school class
"Children" begins the Pope. "Where's Jesus today?"
Little Tommy says: "He's in my heart."
Little Barry says: "He's in Heaven."
Little Davey says: "He's in our bathroom."
The surprised Pope asks Little Davey how he knows this.
"Well," says Little Davey, "every day my Dad bangs on our bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy pokes a girl with a pin at church
The church priest asks the girl a question "who is our lord and savior?" *the boy stabs her with the pin* she yells "JESUS CHRIST" the priest says "good good, who created us" *the boy stabs her again* she yells "GOD ALMIGHTY" the priest says "good good, now, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 42nd child?" *he stabs her again* the girl screams "IF YOU PUT THAT THING IN MY ONE MORE TIME IM GONNA SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR t**...!" The priest faints..
A Buddhist is stopped by a Christian woman in the street
"Will you consider following the word of the Lord Jesus Christ?" She asks.
The Buddhist replied, "Maybe next time round,"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Anyone who thinks Jesus wasn't a white man has never been to communion
The body of Christ is a c**....
Jesus and Paul are playing golf
Jesus hits his ball out into the middle of a water hazzard. He walks on the water and hits the ball to within a couple of feet of the cup.
The greens keeper walks up to Paul and says "who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?"
Paul replies "no, he think's he's Arnold Palmer"
Next Sunday is the "Feast of the Circumcision"...
...the service that celebrates the circumcision and naming of Jesus Christ. As the organist, perhaps I should play "O Sacred Head, Now Wounded."
Four nuns about to take their vows..
Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.
Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said, "I am so honored you want to share this experience with us. May I ask why you came?"
"We're from the groom's family."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus Christ turned water into wine and got worshiped by millions.
I turned w**... into cookies and now I have to wash dishes at an olive Garden to pay rent.
An Old Man is thrown out of a bar
A young man who was walking down the street says "Hey Old-Timer, what happened in there". The old man looks at him and says "Well son, I am Jesus Christ". "Jesus Christ?", the young man replied skeptically. "Yes my son, follow me", the old man said as he walked into the bar.
As he enters, the bartender turns around and says "Jesus Christ! not you again!"
How do you know Jesus Christ was Irish?
He was an unemployed 33 year old carpenter who still lived with his parents
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing how great their uncles are
p**... Scotsman says "my uncle is a priest, when he walks down the road everyone nods and say father"
"That's nothing" says p**... Englishman, "My uncle is a bishop, when he walks down the road everyone BOWS and says your grace". Not to be outdone, p**... Irishman looks at them both and laughs. "My uncle weighs over 400lbs (200kg). When he walks down the road everyone says JESUS CHRIST!".
What name did Jesus go by during his cross dressing phase?
Auntie-Christ
Jesus Christ wrote the same thing in his diary every day...
"I think I'm being followed"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wanna know how I can prove Jesus was white?
The body of Christ is a c**....
Which student in the universe has the most absents on record at Sunday School?
Jesus Christ, I don't know him..
Was Jesus Christ the first born again christian?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus Christ saw every sin imaginable...
Meaning he saw some dude blasting rope to Waluigi h**... and still decided to save humanity. What a absolute legend.
I saw the Lord today...
I was siting at the bar when a man walked in. The bartender looked up and said, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?".
Why do Jehovah's Witnesses believe Christ had no beard?
Jesus shaves.
What do you call a bank robbery planned by Jesus?
A Christ Heist
God, a man, and Satan walk into a bar
Bartender: JESUS CHRIST!
God: No, he couldn't make it, this is Steve.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Next Episode On h**... Kitchen...
"Is the wine divine or vintage?"
"D-divine chef."
"Jesus Christ..."
"Yes, probably."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"You want to know the most disrespected man in the world?"
"Jesus Christ Dave I'm trying to concentrate!"
"You know it."
How was Jesus Christ so ripped?
You never see Jesus Christ rockin a dad bod. How was it that Jesus Christ kept so toned and shredded?
CrossFit
I saw a friend I hadn't seen in a long time
And he mistook me for Jesus... He was like "Jesus Christ.... Is this you?"
How do Catholics celebrate the birth of Jesus?
They go to a Christ-Mass.
If the son of God drove, how would he shift gears?
Jesus Christ, Immanuel!
