Jerusalem Jokes
40 jerusalem jokes and hilarious jerusalem puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about jerusalem that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article focuses on the wry humor of Jerusalem Cruisers, a group of comedians from Nazareth and Jerusalem. Learn about their unique take on Psalm 137 and other Isreali topics. Enjoy a hearty laugh and gain insight into Isreali culture and life.
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Funniest Jerusalem Short Jokes
Short jerusalem jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jerusalem humour may include short psalm jokes also.
- I heard Netflix and Yahoo are merging. They are moving their HQ to Jerusalem. They'll be known as Net 'n' Yahoo.
- Everyone has heard of the King David Hotel in Jerusalem... ...but nobody has heard of the Goliath Hotel, even though it is much larger and only a stone's throw away.
- I'm really worried about Jerusalem being recognised as the capital of Israel. Who's going to Tel Aviv?
- Do you like food and travel!? Why should you got to Jerusalem for the food?
Because israeli good. - Jerusalem has a lot of petty crime. Thieves will steal anything not nailed down. ...which is why they even had to nail down Jesus.
- Traffic on Good Friday How did Jesus get across Jerusalem on a busy Friday afternoon?
Cross traffic doesn't stop. - So I was in Jerusalem and a man was trying to sell me a gold watch... I kept telling him I don't want it. It looks too fake, not real gold.
He looked at me and says "It's not fake, Israel." - A crusader walks into the bar The bartender ask the crusader: "What will you take?"
Crusader replied: "I will take Jerusalem!" - Did you know that Kraft is building a factory in Jerusalem? They're calling the operation Cheesus of Nazareth...
- BREAKING NEWS: Iran announced they will be moving their Embassy to Jerusalem All their documents, files, blueprints, CD's, videos are already there.
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Jerusalem One Liners
Which jerusalem one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jerusalem? I can suggest the ones about jew and synagogue.
- Food from Jerusalem may not be the best But Israeli good
- What do you call an aquatic pleasure trip to Jerusalem? A cruiseade.
- Jerusalem is the capital of Israel But don't Tel Aviv I said that
- Jerusalem is not a fake city! Israel
- Jesus walked into a hotel in Jerusalem And asked if they could put him up.
- Zuckerberg visits Jerusalem...
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Jerusalem Jokes
What funny jokes about jerusalem you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make jerusalem pranks.
my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum
f**... director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"
Me: "ship her home"
f**... director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"
Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance"
i was in Jerusalem for a holiday
Needing my cuppa of java i wandered into a cafe and was served by a male barista. I found it odd that there were no female Baristas so i made it a point to keep a lookout for them across the holy land.
From Starbucks to coffee club, from hipster cafes to neighborhood coffeehouses, not a female barista could be found.
Perplexed by this, i finally asked the Jewish barista at the starbucks at the airport when i was about to leave. He thought about it for a moment, shrugged his shoulders and said simply:
Hebrews.
An old friend told me this...
Three middle aged jewish men are sitting around one afternoon. The first one says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He came back as an atheist!" The second man says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He married a Christian!" The third man without missing a beat says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did, he converted to Christianity!" All of a sudden they hear the voice of God and He says, "Oy, that's nothing! I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did..."
Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem
One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.
'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'
'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise a beautiful ceremony here...'
'Look, sir! We're talking about my mother-in-law... Two thousand years ago, they buried a young man here who was resurrected three days later; I'm not taking any chances!'
Can't take that chance
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker
told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man
thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take
that chance."
An old couple went on holiday to Jerusalem..
...But on the trip the wife died. A local priest then told the husband that he had two options. He could get her buried in Jerusalem for $30, or he could fly her back to their own country and get her buried there for $200. The husband quickly said that he wanted her buried at home. The priest didn't understand this and asked the husband why he didn't just bury her in Jerusalem. After all it was one of the holiest cities in the world, and he could save some money. The husband then told him that long ago a man was buried in this city, and 3 days later he resurrected from the dead, and he was definitely not willing to risk that happening with his wife.
A man and his ever-nagging wife are on vacation in Jerusalem
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the holy land, for $150.
The man thought about it, and finally decided he would have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when you can have her burried here for so much less?"
The man replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was burried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Couple went to Jerusalem...
And the wife died there..
Priest : Sending her body to home will cost you $10,000 , but burial in this holy city will cost just $100.
Man : I'll take the body home.
Priest : Oh,you must really love your wife a lot...
Man : Nothing like that father.....
Just that Jesus was buried here......
and he came alive the third day...
The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are discussing where to holiday...
The Holy Spirit, predictably, suggests Las Vegas, but God says he feels like a change this year.
God suggests Jerusalem, but Jesus vetoes - not after last time...
Jesus suggests The Vatican City. "Sounds good to me." says God. " Yeah I'd like that," says the Holy Spirit, "I've never been."
A couple of Aliens land in the middle of Jerusalem and see all the worshippers...
One looks to the other and says "See, they still believe your b**..., pay up!"
COOL HUSBAND :D :P :)
Husband & wife went to Jerusalem. Wife died there.
Priest: "Sending her body home would cost you $10000.... but... burial here at this holy city would cost just $100".
Man:"........ I'll take the body home!!!"
Priest:" Why the costly option?"
Man: " Jesus was buried here and came alive on the 3rd day. I CAN'T TAKE THE RISK" !!!
Burial dilemma.
Husband & wife went to Jerusalem and the Wife died there.
Priest: "Sending her body home would cost you $5,000.... but... burial here at this holy city would cost just $100".
Man:"I'll take the body home!!!"
Priest:"Why the costly option? You must really love your wife a lot"
Man: "Nothing like that Father.. Just that Jesus was buried here and came alive on the 3rd day. Why take unnecessary risk!!!
Why Did Baby Jesus Go to Jerusalem?
A catechist asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.A small child replied, They couldn't get a baby-sitter?
Why couldn't Jesus play int he match opposing Jerusalem to Nazareth?
Because he was suspended.
Did you hear about the magician who went to perform on stage in Jerusalem?
He got absolutely crucified
A Jamaican man's wife dies in Jerusalem
A Jamaican man and his nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The f**... company told the man that it could cost $500, 000 to ship her home to Jamaica or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said, "ship her home" shocked, the undertaker asked, but sir why don't you bury her in holy land and save the money? To which the husband replied. A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead.......I can't take that chance.
Jerusalem by Don McLean
I think the song could be greatly improved if at the line: All roads lead to you, the singer shakes a fist and yells out Take that, Rome!
A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.
The f**... company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem.
The husband said "ship her home".
Shocked, the undertaker asked "but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?"
The husband replied "a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance !"
