jerusalem Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious jerusalem puns

nagging wife

A Scotsman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here. The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money." The husband said "listen here pal, a long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....... Shes goin fuckin home!"

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Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem

One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.

'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'

'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise a beautiful ceremony here...'

'Look, sir! We're talking about my mother-in-law... Two thousand years ago, they buried a young man here who was resurrected three days later; I'm not taking any chances!'

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An old friend told me this...

Three middle aged jewish men are sitting around one afternoon. The first one says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He came back as an atheist!" The second man says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He married a Christian!" The third man without missing a beat says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did, he converted to Christianity!" All of a sudden they hear the voice of God and He says, "Oy, that's nothing! I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did..."

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Can't take that chance

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker

told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man

thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and

you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take

that chance."

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An old couple went on holiday to Jerusalem..

...But on the trip the wife died. A local priest then told the husband that he had two options. He could get her buried in Jerusalem for $30, or he could fly her back to their own country and get her buried there for $200. The husband quickly said that he wanted her buried at home. The priest didn't understand this and asked the husband why he didn't just bury her in Jerusalem. After all it was one of the holiest cities in the world, and he could save some money. The husband then told him that long ago a man was buried in this city, and 3 days later he resurrected from the dead, and he was definitely not willing to risk that happening with his wife.

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A man and his ever-nagging wife are on vacation in Jerusalem

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the holy land, for $150.

The man thought about it, and finally decided he would have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when you can have her burried here for so much less?"

The man replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was burried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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An Irishman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem...

when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here. The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money." The husband said "listen here pal, a long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....... Shes goin fuckin home!

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Couple went to Jerusalem...

And the wife died there..


Priest : Sending her body to home will cost you $10,000 , but burial in this holy city will cost just $100.



Man : I'll take the body home.



Priest : Oh,you must really love your wife a lot...




Man : Nothing like that father.....
Just that Jesus was buried here......
and he came alive the third day...

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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem .

While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.

The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can't take that chance!"

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Jesus is walking through the streets of Jerusalem...

...when he sees a crowd of angry, shouting citizens throwing stones at a young woman.
*"What is the meaning of this?"* Jesus asks the men.
"We are stoning this whore," says one of the men at the front of the crowd.
Jesus walks in between the bleeding whore and the angry mob, holds up his hand, and says *"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."*
From the back of the crowd, a stone comes flying through the air and smacks the whore perfectly on the cheek, knocking her unconscious.
*"Dammit, Mom, I'm trying to make a point here."*

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Risky Burial

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for only $150."

The man thought about it and decided he would just have her shipped home for $5000.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead...I just can't take that chance."

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A man and his ever-nagging wife went to Jerusalem...

but while they were there, his wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150 or have her shipped home for $5,000." The man thought about it for a moment and then decided to have his deceased wife shipped home.
"Why spend so much more money to have her sent home when you can just have her buried here in the Holy Land for only $150?"

The man replied, "A long time ago, a man died here, was buried here but arose from the dead three days later. I just can't take that risk."

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Death in the holy land.

A irishman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here.

The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money."

The husband said "listen here pal, a long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead....... Shes goin fuckin home!

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Jesus walks in to an employment office

The man behind the desk, stunned says "hello Jesus, how can I help you?"

"I'm looking for work, my son" Jesus replies

"Can I ask what skills you have?"

"Well I'm a qualified carpenter"

The employment officer bashes his details in to the computer

"Well I have two carpentry jobs, Jesus, one is in Edinburgh, big job, and it pays about £2000 per month! The other one I have is in Jerusalem, and get this Jesus, it pays £10,000 per month"

Jesus mulls it over and says "I think I'll apply for the job in Edinburgh"

"But Jesus, the job in Jerusalem pays five times as much"

"But yes the last time I worked there I got nailed by tax"

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A couple of Aliens land in the middle of Jerusalem and see all the worshippers...

One looks to the other and says "See, they still believe your bullshit, pay up!"

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A Jamaican man's wife dies in Jerusalem

A Jamaican man and his nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it could cost $500, 000 to ship her home to Jamaica or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said, "ship her home" shocked, the undertaker asked, but sir why don't you bury her in holy land and save the money? To which the husband replied. A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead.......I can't take that chance.

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COOL HUSBAND :D :P :)

Husband & wife went to Jerusalem. Wife died there.

Priest: "Sending her body home would cost you $10000.... but... burial here at this holy city would cost just $100".

Man:"........ I'll take the body home!!!"

Priest:" Why the costly option?"

Man: " Jesus was buried here and came alive on the 3rd day. I CAN'T TAKE THE RISK" !!!

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Food from Jerusalem may not be the best

But Israeli good

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CNN reporter

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."

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Who's the most flexible man in the Bible?

Job - he tied his ass to a tree and walked all the way to Jerusalem

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What do you call an aquatic pleasure trip to Jerusalem?

A cruiseade.

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I'm really worried about Jerusalem being recognised as the capital of Israel.

Who's going to Tel Aviv?

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Jesus was with his disciples walking through Jerusalem when they came upon a crowd that was going to stone a woman to death for adultery. He jumped in front of the woman and said, Let the one without sin cast the first stone.

Suddenly, from out of the crowd, a rock flew toward the woman's head. It struck her square in the temple, killing her instantly.

Jesus, pissed off, said, Mother, I was trying to make a point!

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Do you like food and travel!?

Why should you got to Jerusalem for the food?

Because israeli good.

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During the Crusades, Knights with diarrhea were sent to the front lines.

Upon reclaiming Jerusalem, they were called the Holy Shitty.

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Jerusalem has a lot of petty crime. Thieves will steal anything not nailed down.

...which is why they even had to nail down Jesus.

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Jerusalem is the capital of Israel

But don't Tel Aviv I said that

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Traffic on Good Friday

How did Jesus get across Jerusalem on a busy Friday afternoon?
Cross traffic doesn't stop.

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The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are discussing where to holiday...

The Holy Spirit, predictably, suggests Las Vegas, but God says he feels like a change this year.

God suggests Jerusalem, but Jesus vetoes - not after last time...

Jesus suggests The Vatican City. "Sounds good to me." says God. " Yeah I'd like that," says the Holy Spirit, "I've never been."

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So I was in Jerusalem and a man was trying to sell me a gold watch...

I kept telling him I don't want it. It looks too fake, not real gold.

He looked at me and says "It's not fake, Israel."

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Jesus walked into a hotel in Jerusalem

And asked if they could put him up.

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Jerusalem is not a fake city!

Israel

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A man is vacationing in Jerusalem

A man is vacationing in Jerusalem with his family when his stepmother gets very ill, the next day she passes away.

The man asks for her body to be flew back to their home state to be buried there, but he finds out that it will cost $5000. He is given an offer to bury her right there in Jerusalem for only $150.

The man thinks about it for a while, but eventually says he will pay the $5000 to ship her back home. A local walks up and is amazed, saying that he must have loved his stepmother very much.

The man glances around and whispers to the local, "No, not really, it's just that I heard of a case where someone was buried here and they rose three days later, and I don't want to deal with that."

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Did you know that Kraft is building a factory in Jerusalem?

They're calling the operation Cheesus of Nazareth...

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BREAKING NEWS: Iran announced they will be moving their Embassy to Jerusalem

All their documents, files, blueprints, CD's, videos are already there.

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What are the most funny Jerusalem jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Jerusalem? Well, here are the best Jerusalem dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Jerusalem pick up lines to share with friends.

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