Jerusalem Jokes
40 jerusalem jokes and hilarious jerusalem puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about jerusalem that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article focuses on the wry humor of Jerusalem Cruisers, a group of comedians from Nazareth and Jerusalem. Learn about their unique take on Psalm 137 and other Isreali topics. Enjoy a hearty laugh and gain insight into Isreali culture and life.
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Funniest Jerusalem Short Jokes
Short jerusalem jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jerusalem humour may include short psalm jokes also.
- I heard Netflix and Yahoo are merging. They are moving their HQ to Jerusalem. They'll be known as Net 'n' Yahoo.
- Everyone has heard of the King David Hotel in Jerusalem... ...but nobody has heard of the Goliath Hotel, even though it is much larger and only a stone's throw away.
- I'm really worried about Jerusalem being recognised as the capital of Israel. Who's going to Tel Aviv?
- Do you like food and travel!? Why should you got to Jerusalem for the food?
Because israeli good. - Traffic on Good Friday How did Jesus get across Jerusalem on a busy Friday afternoon?
Cross traffic doesn't stop. - So I was in Jerusalem and a man was trying to sell me a gold watch... I kept telling him I don't want it. It looks too fake, not real gold.
He looked at me and says "It's not fake, Israel." - A crusader walks into the bar The bartender ask the crusader: "What will you take?"
Crusader replied: "I will take Jerusalem!" - BREAKING NEWS: Iran announced they will be moving their Embassy to Jerusalem All their documents, files, blueprints, CD's, videos are already there.
- Why Did Baby Jesus Go to Jerusalem? A catechist asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.A small child replied, They couldn't get a baby-sitter?
- Did you hear about the magician who went to perform on stage in Jerusalem? He got absolutely crucified
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Jerusalem One Liners
Which jerusalem one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jerusalem? I can suggest the ones about synagogue and .
- Food from Jerusalem may not be the best But Israeli good
- What do you call an aquatic pleasure trip to Jerusalem? A cruiseade.
- Jerusalem is the capital of Israel But don't Tel Aviv I said that
- Jerusalem is not a fake city! Israel
- Jesus walked into a hotel in Jerusalem And asked if they could put him up.
- Zuckerberg visits Jerusalem...
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Jerusalem Jokes
What funny jokes about jerusalem you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make jerusalem pranks.
i was in Jerusalem for a holiday
Needing my cuppa of java i wandered into a cafe and was served by a male barista. I found it odd that there were no female Baristas so i made it a point to keep a lookout for them across the holy land.
From Starbucks to coffee club, from hipster cafes to neighborhood coffeehouses, not a female barista could be found.
Perplexed by this, i finally asked the Jewish barista at the starbucks at the airport when i was about to leave. He thought about it for a moment, shrugged his shoulders and said simply:
Hebrews.
Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem
One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.
'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'
'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise a beautiful ceremony here...'
'Look, sir! We're talking about my mother-in-law... Two thousand years ago, they buried a young man here who was resurrected three days later; I'm not taking any chances!'
Can't take that chance
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker
told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man
thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take
that chance."
An old couple went on holiday to Jerusalem..
...But on the trip the wife died. A local priest then told the husband that he had two options. He could get her buried in Jerusalem for $30, or he could fly her back to their own country and get her buried there for $200. The husband quickly said that he wanted her buried at home. The priest didn't understand this and asked the husband why he didn't just bury her in Jerusalem. After all it was one of the holiest cities in the world, and he could save some money. The husband then told him that long ago a man was buried in this city, and 3 days later he resurrected from the dead, and he was definitely not willing to risk that happening with his wife.
A man and his ever-nagging wife are on vacation in Jerusalem
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the holy land, for $150.
The man thought about it, and finally decided he would have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when you can have her burried here for so much less?"
The man replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was burried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Couple went to Jerusalem...
And the wife died there..
Priest : Sending her body to home will cost you $10,000 , but burial in this holy city will cost just $100.
Man : I'll take the body home.
Priest : Oh,you must really love your wife a lot...
Man : Nothing like that father.....
Just that Jesus was buried here......
and he came alive the third day...
The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are discussing where to holiday...
The Holy Spirit, predictably, suggests Las Vegas, but God says he feels like a change this year.
God suggests Jerusalem, but Jesus vetoes - not after last time...
Jesus suggests The Vatican City. "Sounds good to me." says God. " Yeah I'd like that," says the Holy Spirit, "I've never been."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple of Aliens land in the middle of Jerusalem and see all the worshippers...
One looks to the other and says "See, they still believe your b**..., pay up!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jamaican man's wife dies in Jerusalem
A Jamaican man and his nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The f**... company told the man that it could cost $500, 000 to ship her home to Jamaica or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said, "ship her home" shocked, the undertaker asked, but sir why don't you bury her in holy land and save the money? To which the husband replied. A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead.......I can't take that chance.
Jerusalem by Don McLean
I think the song could be greatly improved if at the line: All roads lead to you, the singer shakes a fist and yells out Take that, Rome!
A husband's wife dies. The wife is Jewish and originally from Jerusalem.
When deciding where to bury his wife, the mortician gives the husband the option of burying his wife in Jerusalem for 500$, or burying her in the United States for 10,000$.
After some quick thought, the husband decided to bury his wife in the US. The mortician is stunned and asks, why would you want to bury your wife here for 20x the cost of burying her in Jerusalem?
The husband responds, About 2000 years ago, a man was entombed in Jerusalem, and was resurrected 3 days later. I'm not taking that chance with this woman.
Why is it ridiculously easy to overcome the walls of Jerusalem?
Because it's covered in holiness.
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem .
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.
The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"
The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can't take that chance!"
Jesus walks in to an employment office
The man behind the desk, stunned says "hello Jesus, how can I help you?"
"I'm looking for work, my son" Jesus replies
"Can I ask what skills you have?"
"Well I'm a qualified carpenter"
The employment officer bashes his details in to the computer
"Well I have two carpentry jobs, Jesus, one is in Edinburgh, big job, and it pays about £2000 per month! The other one I have is in Jerusalem, and get this Jesus, it pays £10,000 per month"
Jesus mulls it over and says "I think I'll apply for the job in Edinburgh"
"But Jesus, the job in Jerusalem pays five times as much"
"But yes the last time I worked there I got nailed by tax"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy is on vacation in Jerusalem with his wife and mother-in-law,
when the mother-in-law unexpectedly passes away. Unsure of how to handle f**... proceedings so far from home, he asks a local f**... parlor in Jerusalem for advice.
"Well sir, if you bury her here in Jerusalem, it will cost you about $150".
"What about if I want to ship her body back to the U.S.?" - the guy asks
"Well sir, that would cost approximately $20,000".
The guy thinks about it for a little bit and says "you know what, better prepare the body and have her shipped back to New York".
"But sir, you would save almost $20,000 if you just bury her right here in Jerusalem!" - the f**... guy responds
The husband responds: "yeah I know, but there was once a guy who was buried in Jerusalem and rose from the dead on the third day, and I'm not willing to risk that with her".
A man is vacationing in Jerusalem
A man is vacationing in Jerusalem with his family when his stepmother gets very ill, the next day she passes away.
The man asks for her body to be flew back to their home state to be buried there, but he finds out that it will cost $5000. He is given an offer to bury her right there in Jerusalem for only $150.
The man thinks about it for a while, but eventually says he will pay the $5000 to ship her back home. A local walks up and is amazed, saying that he must have loved his stepmother very much.
The man glances around and whispers to the local, "No, not really, it's just that I heard of a case where someone was buried here and they rose three days later, and I don't want to deal with that."
Risky Burial
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for only $150."
The man thought about it and decided he would just have her shipped home for $5000.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead...I just can't take that chance."
Mort Goldman walks into a bar
The bartender says "mort, why are you still here? The rest of your people left days ago for Jerusalem!" "I'm not falling for that trick!" Mort replied "a place so great is sure to be a myth, it's surely just a trick to lure us all away." Mort finished his beer and left. On his walk home mort noticed all of the shops in his neighborhood closed and not a similar face in sight. Becoming concerned he decided to call his brother to see what was going on. Upon calling, his brother assured Mort that Jerusalem did indeed exist and it was better than he had ever imagined. Mort boarded the next flight still skeptical, but determined to see for himself the glory that awaited. When Mort arrived at the airport he was awestruck. He stood silent for minutes before muttering under his breath "I can't believe it, it Israel"
