jersey Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious jersey puns

I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey.

I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".

"Is that your real name?", she asked.

I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."


Why are New Yorkers always so depressed?

Q: Why are New Yorkers always so depressed?
A: The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.


Thinking about opening up a sperm bank in New Jersey.

Gonna call it: "Get a load of this guy over here!".


What's the Difference between NHL Players and the Jersey Shore Girls?

NHL Players shower after three periods.


If Mississippi wears her New Jersey, what does Delaware?

I dunno, Alaska.


What's the difference between heroin and the cast of the jersey shore?

I wouldn't shoot heroin.


What's the difference between a Greyhound terminal in New Jersey and a voluptuous lobster?

One's a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean


Why did New York get all the lawyers, and New Jersey all the toxic waste sites?

New Jersey picked first.


Jets Fan

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.

The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"

The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!"

After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.

The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"

"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."


As a new yorker i was excited about a wall that keeps foreigners from taking our jobs

Then I learned the wall wasn't being built around New Jersey.


A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods...

When one of them falls to the ground.He doesn't seem to be breathing,his eyes are rolled back in his head.The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.He yells,"MY FRIEND IS DEAD!!WHAT CAN I DO?!?!"The operator says,"Calm down,I can help.First let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.The guy comes back and says,"Ok,now what?!?"


Did you hear about this year's newest fad diet coming out of New York and New Jersey?

The swim-fast diet.


Know why New Yorkers are so cynical?

For them, the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.


There once were two airplane mechanics from New Jersey...

... Who were also drinking buddies.

One night, the mechanics (Rick and Paul) were finishing up their shift and discussing where they should go for a drink afterwards.

"I don't know, man," said Rick. "We've been to every bar in town. The scene's getting old."

"Well," replied Paul, "there is one other option. I've heard drinking jet fuel gives you a pretty good buzz."

"Fuck it, I'll try anything once," said Rick, and they grabbed the nearest can of jet fuel and had the kind of time that only drinking buddies can.

The next morning, Rick awoke expecting the hangover from hell. To his surprise, he felt fine. Better than fine, even; he felt great!

"This is amazing," he thought. "All the fun of drinking, but with no negative effects!"

Just then, he receives a call from Paul.

"Hey man," said Paul. "How ya feelin'?"

"I feel great!" Exclaimed Rick. "You?"

"Pretty good, but there's just one thing... Did you fart yet?"

"No," said a puzzled Rick. "Why do you ask?"

"Because," Paul said. "I'm in Arizona."


So there's this terrible shipwreck, with only three survivors - a French guy, a British guy, and a guy from New Jersey.

So there's a terrible shipwreck, and there are only three survivors that wash up onto a desert island - a French guy, a British guy, and a guy from New Jersey. They're immediately captured by cannibals and spend days locked in a cage, awaiting their fate. Finally the Chief of the cannibals comes to them, after days of starvation, and says "We're going to kill you, eat you, and make canoes out of your skin."

"Oh no," they cry. "Won't you reconsider?"

"No," says the Chief. "But I will let each of you choose how you will die."

So the British guy says, "Very well, if I must die, give me a pistol with a single shot." So they do, and he bravely puts it to his head and says "God Save The Queen," and blows his brains out.

Next the French guy says, "Oui, if I must go, give me ze noose." So they do, and he throws it around a tree branch and bravely says "Viva la France," and hangs himself.

Lastly the guy from Jersey scratches his junk, spits, and says "Hey yeah, uh, gimme a fork." So they do, and he stabs himself repeatedly in the chest, all over. He says "Fuck your canoe."


This Hurricane should have been called Snooki...

The're both heading to the Jersey Shore with plans to blow everyone in a 50 mile radius.


Did you hear what sandy did to New Jersey?

A few billion dollars worth of improvements


Jersey Girls aren't trash

Trash gets picked up


Last week, I took a Dallas Cowboys jersey away from my 2-year-old nephew.

It was a choking hazard.


Since I have a lot of exams next week...

I decided to buy a Seahawks jersey. That way, I'm sure to pass even if I shouldn't


If Mississippi gave Missouri her New Jersey, what would Delaware?

I don't know but Alaska


A New Salesman

A young guy from N. J. moves to Fla. He goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a sales job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in New Jersey."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65."

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

"Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,

"So I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft."

"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK?!"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"


Why does California have more lawyers and New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps?

New Jersey got to choose first


I finally realized why the painting of Washington crossing the Delaware is such a big deal

It depicts the last time someone willingly entered New Jersey.


If Mississippi went to Missouri for a New Jersey what did Delaware ?

Don't know, Alaska


What's the difference between a hockey team and a New Jersey hooker?

A hockey team showers after 3 periods.


In a progressive move, Mattel is making a new boyfriend for Barbie who's a homeless man from New Jersey

Hobo Ken.


Why are New Yorkers so skeptical about everything?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey


My girlfriend told me to kiss her where it stinks.....

So I drove her to New Jersey


Snooki's kind of like Hurricane Sandy...

She's large, slow-moving, an has blown just about everyone in the Jersey Shore.


Why are New Yorker's sad?

The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.


A guy is scoping out chicks in a bar...

...when he sees one wearing a Kansas City Chiefs jersey.

He walks up to her and says, "Hi. My name is 21 Point Lead."

The woman laughs and replies, "That's not your name!"

The guy says, "You're right, but I figured anyone wearing a Chiefs jersey would blow a 21 point lead."


BREAKING: Helicopter crash in a New Jersey cemetery

300 dead bodies recovered so far


I thought Jersey Shore was going to be about Jersey cows.

I was right.


TIL The New Jersey Devils have never changed their logo or uniform design/colours.

No new New Jersey jersey.


What are the most funny Jersey jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Jersey? Well, here are the best Jersey dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Jersey pick up lines to share with friends.

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