The Best 86 Jerry Jokes

What is the name of the elderly man that won three bingos in a row?

Jerry hat-trick ...

Ted Bundy asks Jeffrey Dahmer you got any ice cream in the freezer?

Nah, just Ben and Jerry Jeffrey replies.

Say what you want about Jerry Sandusky

But at least he slows down in school zones.

Jerry Sandusky was actually a pretty successful coach...

... he turned many tight ends into wide receivers.

On a scale of Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky

...how much do you love your children?

You might be a redneck if...

1. You don't know the difference between your lawn and your driveway.
2. Watching Jerry Springer reminds you of your neighbors
3. Your family tree is a circle

Did you hear Ben and Jerry's are naming a flavor in honor of Jerry Sandusky?

They are calling it Raspberry Turnover

Who are a fat person's two best friends

Ben and Jerry.

What does Jerry Jones do after winning the Super Bowl?

Gives the X Box back to grandkids

I used to play football for Jerry Sandusky.

I started out as a tight end but finished the season as a wide receiver.

Why couldn't Jerry Sandusky ever finish a 5K run?

He always stopped at The Second Mile.

Lakers have been playing so bad..

They killed Jerry Buss

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other

Telling people that "sometimes I rub people the wrong way" means something entirely different if you're Jerry Sandusky.

What did the man on the beach say to Jerry Sandusky?

You're in my sun.

How does Jerry Seinfeld play ice hockey?

With his Shtick.

Did you hear what they found in Jeffrey Dahmer's freezer?

Ben and Jerry

Where do potential Ben and Jerry employees go to learn the trade?

What is the mission of Chinese Candy Crush Saga?

#"Clear all the Jerry".
___________
^(I will just get out from this conveniently placed door, thank you)

[NSFW] What's the difference between acne and Jerry Sandusky?

Acne waits til you're 13 to come on your face.

I got a sweater for Christmas...

...but what I really wanted was a moaner or a screamer.

From: Jerry "The King" Lawler"

What's Jerry Sandusky's favorite football position?

Tight end

It's a shame Jerry Hall never got it on with Vidal Sassoon

Then she'd have completed rock, paper and scissors.

What's a similarity between Old Navy and Jerry Sandusky...

Both of their pants are half off

Did you hear the one about Jerry Sandusky molesting kids?

If not, it's okay - neither did the Police.

Mother: My goodness, Jerry, who gave you that black eye?

Jerry: No one gave it to me.
I had to fight for it!

On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you like kids?...

Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes

Harry and Jerry

Harry is at home and his door is locked. Jerry come in
Harry says, "Who are you and how did you get here"
Jerry says, "I'm a locksmith and I'm a locksmith"

I'm pregnant...

A girl calls her boyfriend nervously. "Jerry, I'm pregnant..." There's a long pause before the boy replies"...hi pregnant, I'm dad." Another awkward paid follows before she replies "Actually..."

Jerry was in hospital

He was recovering from his surgery. A nurse asks him how he is.
I'm OK, but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used during the surgery, he answered.
What did he say? asked the nurse.
OOPS!

A man returns home from the golf course...

His wife asks him why he no longer plays with Jerry, a long-time friend. He replies:"Would you enjoy playing with a swearing, rude cheat?"

His wife says "No, of course not".

Her husband answers:"Well neither does Jerry"

Jerry sat proudly on his hazey steed

"Look at this!" He said, "I gave my horse a few puffs of the good herb, and he still managed to climb this towering mountain!"

"Get off your high horse, Jerry." I replied.

So a pair of cannibals are sitting down to a nice meal...

...of Jerry Seinfeld.

A while into the meal, one of the cannibals says,

"I'm going for the forehead, do you want any?" as he cuts a slice from the front of Jerry's scalp. The other cannibal declines, shaking his head and saying,

"What's the deal with hairline food?"

A teacher asks class to draw and colour a duck holding an umbrella

She notices Jerry colouring his duck blue and asks "where did you see a blue duck?" He replies "where did you see a duck holding an umbrella?"

Why'd the guy use the Jerry Seinfeld themed enema?

For sh*ts and giggles

Public speaking is the #1 fear of the average person. #2 is death.

This means that at a funeral, more people would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

-Jerry Seinfeld

One seagull turns to the other...

"did you know that Jerry can fit 20 fish in his mouth at the same time?"
"Like Pell-He-Can!"

When Jerry Seinfeld dies...

I really hope his tombstone says:
*Jerry Seinfeld
1954 yadda yadda yadda 20XX*

How many Misfits does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Jerry Only.

So I was just reading an article about the Sandusky sexual abuse case, only to realize that the article was not about Jerry Sandusky but his son, Jeffery. I guess the old saying is true...

The family that preys together, stays together.

Jerry hated doing laundry.

So he threw in the towel.

:D

I don't like the look of those stock options, Jerry.

Vegetable or beef for a chicken casserole, no chance!

Curse of Oak Island

The show "Curse of Oak Island" takes Jerry Seinfeld's concept of a show about nothing to a hole new level.

What type of roller coaster goes through the Bronx?

The type where people scream in the flat parts.

-Jerry Seinfeld

How did Jerry greet his lumberjack friends?

Evening, fellers.

Jerry saw his ex with a new boyfriend

So he walks up to them and says Old Shoe, new owner
His ex replies Only 2 inches are old, rest are brand new

90% of Rick and Morty fanboys think they're Rick...

... when in reality they're Jerry.

An immigrant moves to New York City from another country...

He can bearly speak broken English. He notices mice in his apartment and immediately calls the landlord to report the problem. Hello!

-Hello, what's the problem?

-You know Tom and Jerry?

-Yes, Tom and Jerry?

-Well, Jerry problem.

Rest in Peace - Ron B. U.C. Berkeley

A man is holding his wife's hand as she lays on her death bed.

"Jerry, I, . . ., I have something to tell you before I pass on."

"No, no, dear. Everything is forgiven now. All is well."

"No, Jerry. I've been carrying this load for years now, and I must tell you. I, . . ., I've been unfaithful to you. I slept with your best friend, Phil. I'm so terribly sorry."

"Yes, dear, I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

Two cannibals were eating Jerry Seinfeld...

One looks at the other and asks Does this taste salty?

The wife said she wanted to go and see

the Jerry Springer show for her birthday.

So I got her sister pregnant!!

We're on next Wednesday!

What did the deadhead say when the drugs wore off?

"Hey... this music sucks."

(just a joke folks, we all know jerry rules)

Tom only chases the most suitable mouse.

I guess that is Jerry picking.

I went to a Jerry Seinfeld stand-up last night. It was actually really disappointing; he didn't use any of his old jokes I used to love...

Like, what's up with that?

Tennessee man accused of dipping testicles in customers salsa.

I'm sure Jerry Lee Lewis wrote a song about that.

Jerry Seinfeld at a Poker game:

What's the deal?

Jazz hands

Worker one: why does jerry the maintenance guy always do jazz hands after hes finished looking inside the copy machine?
Worker two: is part of his routine maintenance

(I wanted to do this joke as a picture but im lazy and bad at drawing, also sorry for the bad joke)

What do you call it when Jerry sleeps with 3 old women at a nursing home in one night?

A Jerry hat trick.

Man: Hey man, do you have icecream in the freezer?

Jeffrey Dahmer: Nah dude, only Ben and Jerry.

Who can drink 20L of petrol without getting sick?

Jerry can.

Did you hear Jerry Seinfeld is hosting a new poker show

Its gonna be called "What's the Deal?"

You know who can drink 5L of petrol without getting sick?

Jerry can

Who can drink 5 litres of petrol without being sick?

Jerry can.

Ted Bundy and Jeffery Dahmer have dinner together

Ted: hey Jeff you got any ice cream in the freezer?

Jeffrey: nah, only Ben and jerry

Jerry Falwell Jr is leaving Liberty university...

he says he wants to spend more time watching his family.

Jerry Falwell Jr has resigned his post as president from the school that his father founded

When reporters were seeking a statement, he was not at Liberty to respond

Does anyone know if Jerry Falwell Jr. is still scheduled to speak at the Republican National Convention?

Or is he just going to sit in the corner and watch?

What does Jerry Falwell Jr. say after sex?

You guys want anything?

Final words

A man is holding his wife's hand as shes lying on her death-bed.
"Jerry , I have something to tell you before I pass on," she whispers."
"No, no, dear," says Jerry. "Everything is forgiven now. All is well."
"No Jerry" she mumbles." I've been carrying this load for years now, and I must tell you. I... I've been unfaithful to you. I slept with your best friend, Phil. I'm so terribly sorry."
"Yes,dear I know," Says Jerry. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

I made this up today! What do you call a guy who's been left at the old persons home three times in a week?

Jerry hat trick.

(Geriatric)

It's the second day on Noah's Ark and all the animals are meeting up with their counterparts.

The unicorns find each other, and the first unicorn introduces himself, saying "Hi, my name's Frank." The second unicorn says "Hi Frank, I'm Jerry!" The unicorns in unison say "Oh shit..."

When I first came to the US. I stayed at a hotel with a rodent problem. I tried to call front desk but I didn't know how to say mouse in English.

Hello sir how can I help you?
Do you know Tom and Jerry?
Yes sir.
Jerry is here.

Ben and Jerry are the two of the very few men

that many lesbians have actually taken to bed.

Who was the first man to have an operation?

Sir Jerry.

I'm at the bar right now (getting food I'm not an alcoholic I promise) and…

There's these two guys are arguing and one asked Jerry, howcome you got so many grandkids and I don't?

And he answers, I taught my kids how to multiply

I fuckin' lost it

Who can drink 5 gallons of gas and not get sick?

Jerry can.

If anyone in the UK is currently struggling to get hold of some fuel just let me know.

Because my mate Jerry can.

Two cannibal clowns are eating Jerry Seinfeld..

One asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

The other replies, "Nah, it's just bland.. maybe a little dry."

Who can drink 5L of petrol with no effect?

Jerry can

Is Tom the cat able to pour gasoline on the ground from a container?

No, but Jerry can.

"Spartans, tonight, we dine in hell!!"

"Jerry, don't scream at the kids like that! If you don't want to come at my mother's dinner, don't"

Part of a hospital was renamed in honour of an old man who scored three goals

It's now called the Jerry Hat Trick Ward