The Best 35 Jerking Off Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Jerking Off jokes. There are some jerking off obnoxious jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these jerking off bumps puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Jerking Off Jokes and Puns

I was walking around town the other day...

I was walking around town the other day when I saw these two jerk-offs wearing matching outfits, I mean, down to the *belt* same outfits, so I yelled to over to them "Hey faggots did you plan that?"

Anyways, they arrested me.

Boss perv

I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I can take a look around, but they said "no" and slammed the door on me

My parents can be real jerks sometimes.

I bought a fitbit...

I haven't went running yet, but I jerked off for six miles today.

If abortion is murder

Is jerking off genocide?

Nothing better than shutting the door and jerking off after a long day

And it's even better if the uber has heated seats

Three homeless guys got drunk and passed out side by side in an alley

In the morning the first guy wakes up and says "I dreamt someone was jerking me off last night!". The second guys says, "that's funny, me too!" The guy in the middle said, "Not me, I dreamt I was skiing."

What was the hardest thing for Louis CK when he had to leave his disrespectful kids home alone?

Getting someone to watch his little jerks.

What do vegans call jerking off?

Beating their wheat.

If I had a nickel for every time I jerked off...

I'd be a jizzillionaire!

Professional women's soccer is so boring.

Why am I even jerking off to this?

You can explore jerking off public restrooms reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean jerking off evaluates dad jokes. There are also jerking off puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Trump's ego is so big...

Trump's ego is so big that when he bangs a super-model, he closes his eyes and imagines he's jerking off.

-Seth Macfarlane, CC Roast of Trump

A Man "Walks in" on his son.

A man walks in on his son and finds him jerking off. The father looked at his son and said "Son, if you keep doing that, you'll go blind!" The boy looked backed at his dad and said "Dad, i'm over here."

(I heard a comedian tell this joke but I don't remember who.)

Man my friends are such jerks, as soon as I tell them I'm a dance addict...

...what do they do? Put me in this amazing 12-step program.

Be careful of your aim

A woman was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" So she goes, "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

I haven't jerked off in almost a month

I guess you can say I haven't been feeling myself lately

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop jerking off.

I asked, "Why?"

She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."


3 guys are camping, and after a night of drinks & laughs around the fire, they climb into their tent and fall asleep side by side.

The next morning, the guy on the left wakes up smiling. "I had a dream I was getting jerked off all night by a supermodel!"

The guy on the right chimes in. "Me too, but it was my hot neighbour!"

The guy in the middle looks a bit dejected. "Lucky bastards. I just dreamed I was skiing."

What's it called when a smart girl jerks you off?

A stroke of genius!

What did the Seven Dwarfs say when the prince woke up Snow White?

Welp.... I guess it's back to jerking off!

Little kid walks in on his daddy masturbating...

* Daddy, what are you doing?
* I am jerking off, soon you will be doing it.
* But why, daddy?
* Because my hand is getting tired.

My wife caught me jerking off to an optical illusion....

I said "Babe, it's not what it looks like!!"

I saw the saddest movie ever.

A man ended up jacking off to his dead wife's photo and crying. It was absolutely tear jerking.

A New study I read suggests that 1 in every 10 people are gay.

This is really creeping me out because I've gotten jerked off by 10 guys and it's almost guaranteed that one of them was gay.

A boy was jerking off and his sister caught him

Instead of saying anything, she took off her clothes and started to have sex with her brother.

After finishing the brother said, "Wow, you're as good as mom".

The sister replied, "Ya, dad told me that too".

I feel bad jerking off on Christmas...

...but that's a stupid name to give a dog anyway.

My army buddy was jerking off one night.

He was discharged by dawn.

You hear about the guy who was accused of jerking off with hand soap for his erectile disfunction?

Well, he finally came clean.

My experience at the doctor's....

So I went to the doctor's office today and he told me I had to stop jerking off. I asked why. He said "Because I need to give you your physical."

What's the worst part about jerking off in the shower?

When your laptop breaks.

My attempt to translate an old Polish joke to English

> A policeman approaches a man drinking beer in park and asks him for his documents. Student hands him the documents and the policeman begins reading aloud:
> -ahh, I see we don't have a job.
> -no, we don't.
> -we're jerking around all day.
> -yes, we are.
> -Oh! We are students!
> -No, only I am.

Not 100% sure if I translated it well, improvements welcome:

The great thing about goofy people is that they're always goofing off

Now jerks on the other hand...

In an attempt to break his addiction...

In an attempt to break his addiction, a chronic masturbator decides to buy a whiteboard and start tallying the days since he last jerked off. After a successful day, the man grabs a marker and draws two tallies, but realizing it had only been one day, he takes his hand and rubs one out.

I walked in on my roommate jerking it

He got mad and told me to put it away

Man made climate change is really annoying me!

I wish the jerks that keep changing the climate would just set it at 70 degrees Fahrenheit year round and be done with it!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the jerking off lewd jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working jerking off kellogg invented piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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