Jerking Jokes
88 jerking jokes and hilarious jerking puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about jerking that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article examines the power of tear-jerking jokes and how they can force us to examine thyself. Whether it's a meme about a lonely animal or a wry observation about jerking off, these jokes reveal more of ourselves than we may think.
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Funniest Jerking Short Jokes
Short jerking jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jerking humour may include short jacking jokes also.
- I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I can take a look around, but they said "no" and slammed the door on me My parents can be real jerks sometimes.
- Nothing better than shutting the door and jerking off after a long day And it's even better if the uber has heated seats
- Trump's ego is so big... Trump's ego is so big that when he bangs a super-model, he closes his eyes and imagines he's jerking off.
-Seth Macfarlane, CC Roast of Trump - Man my friends are such jerks, as soon as I tell them I'm a dance addict... ...what do they do? Put me in this amazing 12-step program.
- I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop jerking off. I asked, "Why?"
She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you." - What did the Seven Dwarfs say when the prince woke up Snow White? Welp.... I guess it's back to jerking off!
- My wife caught me jerking off to an optical illusion.... I said "Babe, it's not what it looks like!!"
- I saw the saddest movie ever. A man ended up jacking off to his dead wife's photo and crying. It was absolutely tear jerking.
- I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could go in and look around. They said no and slammed the door in my face!
Parents can be real jerks. - You hear about the guy who was accused of jerking off with hand soap for his erectile disfunction? Well, he finally came clean.
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Jerking One Liners
Which jerking one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jerking? I can suggest the ones about jacked and pulling.
- What do vegans call jerking off? Beating their wheat.
- Professional women's soccer is so boring. Why am I even jerking off to this?
- My army buddy was jerking off one night. He was discharged by dawn.
- What's the worst part about jerking off in the shower? When your laptop breaks.
- I walked in on my roommate jerking it He got mad and told me to put it away
- What do you call a jerking off well-endowed midget? A huge short coming.
- Why are vampires such jerks? Because they are incapable of self reflection.
- I'm jerking an egg and a chicken off... ... I'll let you know.
- How do you say jerking off in Spanish? Rubbing Juan Out.
- Why are jerks nice sometimes? Standard deviation of the mean
(OC, as far as I know) - I have to stop jerking off But its hard
- What do you call a blind person jerking off? Taking a shot in the dark.
- "I'm too hard on myself," Said the narcissist jerking off in the mirror.
- Why should you never mess with birds for Jamaica? Because the chickens are all jerks.
- What's a Health Club Trainer's job? Making, JERKS BEEFY!
Quirky and Hilarious Jerking Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about jerking you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ripping jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make jerking pranks.
Little kid walks in on his daddy m**......
* Daddy, what are you doing?
* I am jerking off, soon you will be doing it.
* But why, daddy?
* Because my hand is getting tired.
My experience at the doctor's....
So I went to the doctor's office today and he told me I had to stop jerking off. I asked why. He said "Because I need to give you your physical."
I feel bad jerking off on Christmas...
...but that's a s**... name to give a dog anyway.
I saw an Asian man jerking off in a starbucks
Called him a Fappenchino.
Three homeless guys got drunk and passed out side by side in an alley
In the morning the first guy wakes up and says "I dreamt someone was jerking me off last night!". The second guys says, "that's funny, me too!" The guy in the middle said, "Not me, I dreamt I was skiing."
Is it too soon for a Robin Williams Joke?
It's been a few weeks, so I think the waters are safe for this joke I told my cousin:
David Carradine and Robin Williams are in heaven, Carradine looks at Williams and says, "what do you mean you weren't jerking off?"
A little boy walks in on his dad jerking off...
Startled, the boy asked, "Daddy?! What are you doing with your pee-pee?!"
The dad answered, "Don't worry son, its normal, and you'll be doing it soon."
"Why is that dad?"
"Well son... my arms getting tired."
Jerking off at your parents house is like committing m**....
As long as you're swift, quiet and clean up your DNA, you'll probably get away with it.
I just flew into town and boy are my arms tired!
Get it? Because, I've been jerking off on the plane...
I just flew in this morning and boy are my arms tired
from jerking off in the plane toilet the entire trip
What do you call 2 polar bears jerking each other off?
Bi-polar
My attempt to translate an old Polish joke to English
> A policeman approaches a man drinking beer in park and asks him for his documents. Student hands him the documents and the policeman begins reading aloud:
> -ahh, I see we don't have a job.
> -no, we don't.
> -we're jerking around all day.
> -yes, we are.
> -Oh! We are students!
> -No, only I am.
Not 100% sure if I translated it well, improvements welcome:
What did the seven dwarves say when Snow White finally woke up?
Well, it looks like its back to jerking off.
Why was the powerlifter fired from his job at the restaurant?
He was awesome at cleaning the bar, but he wouldn't stop jerking it.
A Man "Walks in" on his son.
A man walks in on his son and finds him jerking off. The father looked at his son and said "Son, if you keep doing that, you'll go blind!" The boy looked backed at his dad and said "Dad, i'm over here."
(I heard a comedian tell this joke but I don't remember who.)
What do you do, if you're jerking off when you're meant to do something else but you're putting it off?
Procrasturbation.
A boy was jerking off and his sister caught him
Instead of saying anything, she took off her clothes and started to have s**... with her brother.
After finishing the brother said, "Wow, you're as good as mom".
The sister replied, "Ya, dad told me that too".
Trump has such high ego
that when he bangs a supermodel, he closes his eyes and imagines he is jerking off.
Jerking off is like a shampoo bottle,
If you squeeze it too hard it goes everywhere.
I found a guy walking around my hedge and jerking off last night.
I guess you could say he was beating around the bush.
The doctor told the man, "You've got to stop m**...."
The man said "But why, doc?"
"Because I'm trying to finish your physical and can't concentrate with you jerking off."
If abortion is m**...
Is jerking off genocide?
Saw my friend JC with a s**... eye and asked him what happened..
He said he was having a really bad day coz he accidentally j**... himself in the eye while jerking off.
Basically he said "I came, eye sore."
I concurred.
On the train today, the guy next to me starts jerking off, and says he's going to blow his load all over my left arm
I said, "Sorry buddy, not on MY watch."
Good Bad Worse Worst
Good: You're jerking off in bed.
Bad: Your mom catches you.
Worse: She helps finish you off.
Worst: You enjoyed it.
I just flew into town, and boy are my arms tired
...I'm a real nervous flyer, so I spent the whole flight just jerking it in the bathroom.
what would a dog say if he could talk?
please stop jerking off with me in the room
How can you tell Jesus is coming?
He's jerking through the hole in his hand.
Jerking off with glue was fun at first...
But now it just feels like I'm beating a dead horse.
Forgive me, Father, for I am sinning.
I'm jerking off right now, in this confession booth.
To the Bible.
And don't act so surprised, you were the one who told me to come to Jesus!
"I wasn't going to confess my predilection for smoking w**... and jerking off in the shower but...
...it is high time i come clean"
It's a nice day in the park. Birds are chirping and children are playing.
You get tired of walking and head over to a bench. There's another man there and he's-... HE'S JERKING OFF.
"DEAR GOD!" you exclaim, "THINK OF THE CHILDREN!"
"I am."
I was having an o**... with a bunch of r**...
When I realized that I'm schizophrenic and I've just been jerking off alone in my room.
"Love thy neighbor as thyself", the bible said!
But my neighbour did not appreciate me jerking him off :-/
Dad: Son, if you don't stop jerking off, you're going to blind.
Dad: Son, if you don't stop jerking off, you're going to blind.
Son: Dad, I'm over here.
I walked in on a Japanese guy jerking off
Turns out he was fapanese
Im on a downward spiral of jerking off
centripetally that is
Have you ever tried doing your home work while jerking off?
It's hard
A father walks in on his son
A father catches his son m**... and tells him stop jerking off or you're gonna go blind
The son responds Dad I'm over here
The wife was feeling k**... and tried jerking me off with her feet...
...but she was just rubbing me the wrong way.
What do you call a fisherman jerking off?
Master baiter
I've been undergoing stem cell treatments for over 3 years
That's what I call jerking off in my mouth
What'd I say to my introvert friends who were jerking off alone in separate rooms?
"C'mon, pull yourselves together!"
So I was jerking off to a scene from Django Unchained the other day.
Then I said it's no Roots but I came anyway.
A friend told me m**... before important decisions helps..
You should've seen the look on my recruiter's face when I was jerking off before signing my employment contract..
I was escorted out of the theater for jerking off during Schindler's List...
To be fair, the movie had a shower scene in it.
I'm a white guy. I haven't achieved much in my life. I'm overweight and spend all my life on the internet jerking off.
BUT I HATE BLACK PEOPLE BECAUSE OF THEIR SKIN!!!
My English teacher marked me down for using jerking off as a metaphor for self-indulgence
but I really think the court order was uncalled for.
Have you ever been caught jerking off in the bushes?
No? Pretty good hiding spot, huh?
I just walked in on my boss jerking off to my selfies.
That's the last picture of Spider-Man I ever sell to the Daily Bugle.
I love jerking off with a dead arm
But i think thats the reason i got fired from the morgue
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...
...is how I would rate jerking off in an abandoned gas station bathroom.
Girl goes to a lawyer and says she wants a divorce
Lawyer asks 'Why?'
'I caught him jerking off to a shower scene' she answers.
'I can understand that's upsetting' the lawyer replies 'but is that something worth separating over?'
'He was watching Schindler's List!' the wife answers.
Optical illusion
My girlfriend caught me jerking off to an optical illusion. I said, "babe it's not what it looks like!".
I've been telling girls that recently I came into a lot of money
Jerking off onto an ATM doesn't have the same ring to it
