WITHOUT BRIAN'S FUCKING DICK IN IT, JENNY.
Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."
Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."
"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."
John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.
-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?
John laughs and continues with his drink.
-Why is this funny?
John responds,
-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...
Jenny walks into the doctor's office for a checkup, and the doctor needs to check her heartbeat.
"Pull your sweater up real quick, and I'll use the stethoscope.
There we go, thank you. Big breaths, Jenny."
"Yeth, I know, and I'm only thixthteen!"
Johnny: Will you marry me?
Jenny: You have to ask my father first.
Johnny: (later) Well, I asked him.
Jenny: And what did he say?
Johnny: He said he's already married.
Jenny started crying but the teacher told her to deal with it
"Bread"
"Yes"
"Hamburger"
"Ok"
A five years girl answered "Light",
"Omg" shouted the teacher, "how can light be eaten?"
"Last night I heared mom whispering to dad 'turn the light off and put it in my mouth'".
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
Little Stefan comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Jenny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tell his story," I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent's bedroom.
I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is."
Jenny decides she wants one too, so night after night she listens outside her parents' bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually she hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door.
She walks in and catches her parents in the act, so her dad offers her anything she wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Jenny immediately says, "I want a watch."
The dad sighs and says, "Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don't make any noise . "
Jenny pipes up instantly; "My mum has the flu, I think it's contagious!".
"Excellent work!", the teacher responds. "Anyone else have an example? What about you Seamus?"
Seamus McDougall, the new Irish exchange student, thinks for a moment.
"M' Pa made me lunch t'day, but it took the contagious!".
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was having a nap:
"Tell me, Jenny, who created the universe?"
She didn't stir, so Mike, a boy in the chair behind her, quickly took a pencil
and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Jenny
And the teacher said, "Very good".
Soon, Jenny was fast asleep again. A while later the teacher asks Jenny:
"Who is our Lord and Saviour?" Once again, Mike pricked her with a pencil.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Jenny.
And the teacher said, "very good."
Soon, a third question comes: "What did Eve say to Adam after she had
her twenty-third child?" And again, Mike jabbed her with the pencil.
Jenny jumped in her seat and shouted:
"IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT
IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."
Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."
"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."
Because..........It is hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on her face.
A man was sitting reading a newspaper when suddenly his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for? "
The man asked.
The wife replied:
"That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket."
The man said:
"Ooh..When I was at the races last week, the name of the horse I bet on was Jenny. "
The wife apologized & went on with the housework.
3 days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashed him on the head again with a bigger frying pan.
The man shouted in pain. .
"What was that for? "
Wife replied:
"Your horse phoned. "
-Jenny Mccarthy
Vet Friend of mine just sent this:
Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . .Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
Q: Why cant a lesbian go on a diet and wear makeup at the same time?
A: Because they cant eat Jenny Craig and have Mary Kay on their face at the same time.
Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24
Jimmy comes home from school and his mum asks him what he's learned
today. "I learned that if I have three apples and Jenny gives me two more apples, I'll have five apples."
"That's right," says his mum. "So if you have four bananas and I give you three more, how many will you have?"
"Dunno. We haven't done bananas yet."
Mariah Carey's mouth.
A young man goes to confession with his friend on the first day of summer. When he enters the confessional, he says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned... I have been with a woman of poor moral fiber."
Priest: "That's sad to hear young man... I must ask... was it Jenny Armstrong?"
Young Man: "I cannot say father."
Priest: "Was it Sarah Smith?"
Young Man: "I will not say, father."
Priest: "It must have been Michelle Geller."
Young Man: "Father, I will not say."
Priest: "I admire your conviction, but you must atone. Don't return to service for two weeks, or until you have said 4 Hail Mary's and 10 Our Fathers."
The young man leaves and sees his friend on the way out. "What did you get?' his friend asks. He replies, "two weeks of summer vacation and three good leads."
Wife's Diary
Bob has been acting so weird lately. Yesterday, we had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for supper. I'd been shopping with Jenny all day, so I thought he was upset because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything about it.
Conversation over supper wasn't flowing, so I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
Tonight, when he came home from work, he skipped supper altogether, piddled in the garage for two hours, then headed straight for his recliner and sat there quietly staring at the TV. When I asked him about the fire they'd just covered on the news, he said he hadn't followed the story. It had just been on!
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed, but he was distant and distracted. He didn't even kiss me goodnight -- he just fell asleep. I lay there for hours wondering what was wrong. I don't know how to reach him. I don't know what to do.
Husband's Diary:
Boat still won't start. Can't figure it out.
...and they had formed a relationship.
They were walking past the pond, Pete fell in and sank, Jenny, with no thought for her own safety, dived to the bottom of the pool and rescued him, she also gave him the kiss of life.
A few days later Jenny was summomed before the board of the hospital and was told that seeing how she had the sense to dive in to rescue Pete she could not be classed as insane, she was going home the day after.
When the nurse was helping her pack, she gave Jenny the bad news..........After you had rescued Pete, he was foubd in the hospital ward, dead, hanging from a beam !
Jenny replied, "yes, I hung him up to dry,can I go home now ?
Why can't lesbians wear make-up and go on a diet at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig when Mary Kay is already on her face.
1) I woke up.
2) Went to school.
3) I saw her.
4) I ran to her and hugged her.
5) I kissed her.
actually, the right order is 2,3,4,5,1
Little Jimmy was in school the next day and his teacher told the class they were going to focus on a new word for the day: "Contagious".
The teacher gave the class ten minutes to come up with a sentence containing the word of the day. When time was up, she asked them each to come up and read out their sentence.
Little Jenny said: "Last year I had the chicken pox, I couldn't play with my friends because it was very contagious".
Well done Jenny" said the teacher, "Very good".
Little Brian got up and said: "My brother Liam had nits in his hair, he couldn't go to school as it was so contagious!"
"That's perfect Brian" says the teacher.
Up steps Little Jimmy and says "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush. My dad says its gonna take the contagious
One night, at a comedy club, a ventriloquist gets on stage and starts performing.
There's a blonde girl in the crowd, let's call her Jenny.
The ventriloquist is telling joke after joke and the crowd is loving it. He then segues into his blonde joke routine. Jenny sits with her drink and tolerates two, three, four jokes. After the fifth joke Jenny gets up and yells "Stop!"
The ventriloquist abruptly stops and stares into the crowd. Jenny continues "I am sick and tired of people like you ripping on blonde women, as if we are extremely stupid and useless. This stereotypes make it harder for us to be taken seriously."
The ventriloquist begins to apologize "ma'am, I'm really sorry it's j--"
"You, sir, be quiet. This is between me and that little fuck on your knee!"
A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class.
But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim.
Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely."
"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"
Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely."
The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him.
Johnny stands up and says, "As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!
I was retarded and she was a whore
"Grandpa, Jenny broke up with me today. I feel so bad, I don't know what I'm gonna do"
"Listen kid, you're gonna be alright. You're young and got plenty of time. Let me tell you about what qualities to look for in a woman to have a lasting relationship:
1) Find a woman who makes you laugh
2) Find a woman who has a job and loves housework
3) Find a woman who is honest
4) Find a woman who will wait on you hand and foot
5) Find a woman who is awesome in the bedroom
6) Most of all, it is **Very Important** that these five women **Never** meet"
People always asked me how I was able to tell them apart. To me it was really simple. Jenny painted her nails Purple and Ryan had a Penis.
Ed was driving on the highway when a cop pulled him over and informed him that he'd won a $1000 safe driving award.
"So what are you going to spend the money on?" asked the cop
"I guess I'll use it to get that drivers' license." smiled Ed.
"Take no notice, officer," said Jenny in the passenger seat. "He's a real smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
Just then Ray in the back seat hissed: "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
As the cop took all this in, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said: "Are we over the border yet?"
A young man who'd been raised in the Outback went to town for the first time. When he got to Sydney, he found a house of Ill repute. He told the Madam that he had never been with a woman before so he wanted one that would be patient with him. Ok, wait for Jenny in room 7 she said. So he went down to room 7. He took Jenny a few minutes to get there. When she opened the door she said, You've moved all the furniture to one side of the room, This looks kinky. Madam said you hadn't been with a woman before?
That is correct, but if this is anything like fucking a kangaroo, we're going to need some room!
Old ass joke here..
Dirty johnny is sitting in class. Ms. Smith says "Ok Kids, it time to play the word game, I'm going to say a letter of the alphabet, and you tell me a word that starts with that letter. The first letter is A."
Dirty Johnny's hand jumps in the air. "ME! ME! Ms. Smith pick ME!"
Ms. Smith thinks "I cant pick him, he's obviously going to say ass.
"Jenny, can you tell me a word that starts with the letter A."
"apple, apple starts with the letter A, Ms. Smith."
"Very good Jenny, now class can anyone tell me a word that starts with the letter B"
Right away Dirty Johnny's hand jumps up. "OHHHHH!! ME!!! i got a good one. ME ME!!!"
Ms. Smith thinks "Ok, clearly he is going to say bitch" and she picks someone else.
She keeps going through the alphabet letter by letter. Cant let him answer for C, hes going to say Cunt. Can't call on him for D, hes going to say Dick. Finally she gets to the letter R. Right away Dirty Johnny's hand zips into the air.
"ME ME! Please! ME ME!!" says Dirty Johnny
Ms. Smith thinks about for a minute, then she says "Alright Dirty Johnny, tell me a work that starts with the letter R"
"Rat! A big fucking Rat!! With a Dick This long!"
Suddenly she saw her little brother Tom running from school to home. She got worried and asked:
"Tom, why are you running?"
"I'm trying to prevent a fight between two boys"
"And who are those boys?"
"Jeff and I"
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Jenny? Well, here are the best Jenny dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Jenny pick up lines to share with friends.