jeez Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious jeez puns

The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend...

...I said to her, "Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy." She said, "Why did you say that twice?" I said, "I didn't."

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An old man walks past a prostitute...

and she says:
"Hey old timer, care to try if you still can?"
The man replies:
"No honey, I can't."
The prostitute says:
"We could always try!"
The man agrees goes with her and fucks like a 20 year old.

"Jeez," says the prostitute "you said you couldn't!"
The man replies:
"Yes, I can still fuck, but I can't pay!"

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What did God say when he saw Eve walking out of the sea competely naked?

Jeez, I'll never get that smell out of my fish.

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Man finds a Genie in a bottle

Man walking along the beach finds a bottle, opens it, out pops a Genie
"Ok, great you found me and all but im busy and you get One Wish. Take it or leave it"

"Well, jeez, I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate flying, and I get sea Sick. How bout a highway from San Francisco to Hawaii"

"Are you nuts? Do you know how long a bridge that would be? How deep the pylons would go? Why the Engineering alone would be a Monumental undertaking....Pick something else, pick something else"

"Ok, I want to understand Women"

"So you want this to be a Two or Four lane highway?"

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Smart Pills

One day, Paddy and Mick were walking through the Woods when they saw some Rabbit Shit.

Paddy said: "What's That"..?? "'They're Smart Pills," says Mick "Eat them and they'll make you smarter"..

So Paddy ate them and said: "Jeez. They taste like Shit".. "See," says Mick, "You're getting fucking smarter already.".

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I was browsing Toys R Us and the aisles said "Girls 3-5", "Boys 5-7", etc.

Jeez, just let me buy something. I don't need the whole guilt trip about who made it.

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This guy is shopping, see, and he approaches the clerk and asks him..

.."Excuse me, where is the Polish sausage?"
"Oh," says the clerk, "Are you Polish?"
"Whaat?" says the guy, indignantly."Are you serious? If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked for bagels, would you assume I was Jewish? Jeez!"
"No, I certainly would not. " said the clerk.
"Then why'd you ask if I was Polish?"
"Because, Sir," says the clerk, "This is Home Depot."

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Where did this concept of kidnappers using white vans come from?

I mean, I just use my Prius, stop being so stereotypical, jeez.

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Nurse: "Oh jeez, was that you that fell 20 ft out of the tree?"

I don't know, I wasn't counting.

Not much of a joke but it was hilarious when my grandpa said it at the hospital (happened to him ofc).

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A sheep and a hole [PG]

Two campers are out walking around, and come across a huge hole in the ground. The first camper goes up to the hole and says "wow, I wonder how deep this is?" The second camper picks up a rock, chucks it in the hole, puts his ear down and waits to hear it hit the bottom. Nothing. The first camper says "jeez, it must be really deep!" and picks up a larger rock. Using both hands he heaves it into the hole. The campers put their heads down and listen for the big rock to hit. Nothing! The second camper looks puzzled, and then spots a boulder. "Hey come and help me with this" he says, and they both start lugging the enormous rock to the hole. "3-2-1" both campers shove the boulder into the hole and quickly put their heads down to listen to the impact. Not even 3 seconds go by and a sheep runs and JUMPS into the hole. Both campers look at each other bewildered. "Did you see that?? A sheep just ran and jumped into the hole!" A few minutes pass, and a farmer comes up. The farmer asks "Hey, have you guys seen my sheep?" The first camper says, "Yeah, the craziest thing happened! Your sheep ran, and jumped into this hole!" The farmer laughed, and said "That's impossible! My sheep was tied to a rock."

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[Long] A mathematician and his infinite amount of friends walk into a bar.

The bartender asks "what will you all be having?" The mathematician then says, "I'll have a beer and my friend will have half a beer, my other friend will have a quarter of a beer. My other friend will have an eighth of a beer, then a sixteenth," etc. This goes on for a while and after about 40 or more orders, the bartender pipes up, "Jeez, you mathematicians sure don't know your limits," and places two beers down on the counter.

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The other hey Billy joke! [NSFW - maybe]

Hey Billy, the other day I was going down on my girlfriend, at one point I said jeez you got a big pussy, jeez you got a big pussy.
she got up and asked me why I said it twice... Well I didn't.
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A guy walks into his office with both his ears bandaged up

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, What happened to your ears?

He says, Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.
The boss says, Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?

He says, Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!

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Went down on my girlfriend last night...

I told her; 'Jeez you've got a big pussy, Jeez you've got a pussy'.

She went; 'But why did you say it twice?'

'I didn't, I didn't'. I replied.

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Guy goes in for a checkup...

... Doc says, "Mister, I've got bad news, and I've got worse news. Which do you want first?"

The guys says, "Jeez Doc, I guess give me the worse news first."

Doc says, "You've got AIDS. You're gonna die."

"Oh man that's terrible! What's the bad news?"

Doc replies, "You've got Alzheimer's."

"Hey, you know at least I don't have AIDS."

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My Dad is mean :(

So, today's my dad birthday, and I got him some socks. He then looked at me like I was crazy and called me a cunt. Jeez, not my fault he doesn't have any legs.

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Police officer approaches a drunk man urinating on the street late at night and said.

"Sir, you'll have to accompany me to the police station" the drunk guy responded with a grunt "Jeez! You became a police officer, and still afraid of walking in the dark? Okay I'll walk you home, but don't tell anyone"

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Professional Advice

Guy wakes up, heads down for breakfast, sees wife. She's shocked. "Honey, you look terrible!" "That's weird, I feel great."

Guy goes to work, heads into office, sees boss. He's horrified. "Jeez, Guy, you look terrible." "But I feel great." "I don't care, take the day off and get checked out."

At the doctor, Guy summarizes. "Everyone says I look terrible, but I feel great. What's wrong with me?" Doctor gets his medical book out. "I think I've heard of this before, let's see here...'looks terrible, feels terrible,' not quite, 'looks great, feels terrible,' no, that's not it, aha!"

"Right here. 'Looks terrible, feels great.' Well, Guy, it says here you're a vagina."

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In the realm of bad jokes...

If anyone has seen the original Predator movie then you will know these 2 jokes.

I told my girlfriend the other day I wanted a little pussy. She said me too. Mine's as big as a house.

I was going down on my girlfriend the other day and I said jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy. She asked me why I said it twice. I said I didn't.

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What do you call Wisconsin sex parties?

Ohh Jeez

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An elderly lady takes a cab ride

When she gets to her destination the drìver says, "That'll be $15."
The old lady lifts up her skirt and says, "How about I pay you with this? "
"Aw jeez lady!" the driver says, "Don't you have anything smaller?"

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My girlfriend is very strange...

When we go to bed, she starts placing slices of beetroot circling her muff.

Every time I ask her about it she goes off on one about how great salads are...

"Jeez", I thought, "why does she always have to beet around the bush".

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A man walks into a clinic...

A man walks into a clinic and says to the doctor:

– Doc, you see, I have this problem of excess of gases all they long. One million farts a day. They don't have any smell and they are totally silent but it is very inconvenient having to fart all they long.

The doctor says: – OK, take these pills after meals for a week and return here after that.

A week later the man returns and say: "Jeez Doc, I don't know what you did but the pills you gave me did not solve the gas problem. I continue to have the gas problem and now they smell like shit!".

The doctor says: "Good, the first part treatment was a success. Now you have your sense of smell back... now lets treat your hearing".

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2 Finns go ice fishing

One gets there first and sets up, starts to fish.

The second arrives some time later and says to the first, "Hi Arno, any luck today?"

An hour goes by and Arno replies, "Jeez Osco, why so goddamn chatty all of a sudden?"

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My fathers favorite joke.

A very large man walks into a restroom. He goes up to the only vacant urinal and begins to do his business. Looking to his right and breathing a bit heavily, he remarks to the man at the next urinal Jeez, I haven't seen my dick in ten years. The man at the next urinal, looking surprised, says Wow! 10 years? Why don't you diet? The large man looking a bit concerned says Why? What color is it?

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Old but gold

The other night I was going down on my girlfriend and I said
Jeez you've got a big pussy, jeez you've got a big pussy.
She moaned why did you say that twice?
To which I replied I didn't

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I went to buy a new stereo the other day

They were organized by brand and size. Jeez I hate seeing stereotyping these days.

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What do chairs think about all day?

Oh, jeez. Here comes another asshole

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nsfw Two sperms were swimming for the egg...

One sperm says to the other "Jeez, I'm tired! How long til we get to the egg?" The other sperm says, "It's going to be a while, we just got past the colon."

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A man calls the Doctor...

Man: " Hey Doc, are my wife's test results back?"
Doc: " Yes they are, but we're a bit unsure of the results. She either has AIDS or Alzheimer's"
Man: " Well jeez doc what do it do?"
Doc: " Drive her out of town and if she returns don't fuck her!"

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What did the annoyed coffee say when it saw an old acquaintance...

Oh jeez, not this mug again

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An Indian is sitting in a bar having a drink...

A *Native American* is sitting in a bar having a drink when a man walks up to him and whispers, "Do you want a blowjob?"

The *Native American* stands up furious, and knocks the man out with one punch.

The bartender asks, "Jeez what did that guy say to you?"

The *Native American* replies, "I don't know, something about a job."

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That poor skunk.

A man and his wife were driving through a blizzard and they pass a skunk freezing on the side of the road. The wife says "That poor skunk it's going to freeze to death we should save it."
"Jeez I'll never hear the end of this if we don't" the husband thinks to himself.
So they turn around and pick up the skunk and start heading home.
The wife says "Baby it's freezing what should we do?"
"Put it somewhere warm." The husband replies.
"Where?" replied the wife.
"Down your pants." says the husband.
"But what about the smell?" she says.
The husband replies "Hell I've been living with it for years a few hours won't kill it."

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A Joke My Grandfather Told Me

So, my Grandfather and I were driving along on our way into town, and we crossed a set of railroad tracks.

As we were crossing, my Grandfather said, "You know, there was a bad crash on these tracks back in the day, between a Mustang and an old Firebird."

I thought about it for a second, and then said, "Jeez. I feel bad for whoever owned them."

He cut me off before I could say anything else and said, "You know how I know it was a Mustang and a Firebird?"

He paused, then said, "There was feathers and horse shit everywhere."

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A German, Frenchman, and Pakistani walk into a bar

"Jeez, we should lower the bar" the Olympic hurdle committee exclaimed.

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What are the most funny Jeez jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Jeez? Well, here are the best Jeez dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Jeez pick up lines to share with friends.

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