Jeez Jokes

What are some Jeez jokes?

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

What did God say when he saw Eve walking out of the sea competely naked?

Jeez, I'll never get that smell out of my fish.

Man finds a Genie in a bottle

Man walking along the beach finds a bottle, opens it, out pops a Genie
"Ok, great you found me and all but im busy and you get One Wish. Take it or leave it"

"Well, jeez, I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate flying, and I get sea Sick. How bout a highway from San Francisco to Hawaii"

"Are you nuts? Do you know how long a bridge that would be? How deep the pylons would go? Why the Engineering alone would be a Monumental undertaking....Pick something else, pick something else"

"Ok, I want to understand Women"

"So you want this to be a Two or Four lane highway?"

I was browsing Toys R Us and the aisles said "Girls 3-5", "Boys 5-7", etc.

Jeez, just let me buy something. I don't need the whole guilt trip about who made it.

This guy is shopping, see, and he approaches the clerk and asks him..

.."Excuse me, where is the Polish sausage?"
"Oh," says the clerk, "Are you Polish?"
"Whaat?" says the guy, indignantly."Are you serious? If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked for bagels, would you assume I was Jewish? Jeez!"
"No, I certainly would not. " said the clerk.
"Then why'd you ask if I was Polish?"
"Because, Sir," says the clerk, "This is Home Depot."

Where did this concept of kidnappers using white vans come from?

I mean, I just use my Prius, stop being so stereotypical, jeez.

Nurse: "Oh jeez, was that you that fell 20 ft out of the tree?"

I don't know, I wasn't counting.

Not much of a joke but it was hilarious when my grandpa said it at the hospital (happened to him ofc).

A sheep and a hole [PG]

Two campers are out walking around, and come across a huge hole in the ground. The first camper goes up to the hole and says "wow, I wonder how deep this is?" The second camper picks up a rock, chucks it in the hole, puts his ear down and waits to hear it hit the bottom. Nothing. The first camper says "jeez, it must be really deep!" and picks up a larger rock. Using both hands he heaves it into the hole. The campers put their heads down and listen for the big rock to hit. Nothing! The second camper looks puzzled, and then spots a boulder. "Hey come and help me with this" he says, and they both start lugging the enormous rock to the hole. "3-2-1" both campers shove the boulder into the hole and quickly put their heads down to listen to the impact. Not even 3 seconds go by and a sheep runs and JUMPS into the hole. Both campers look at each other bewildered. "Did you see that?? A sheep just ran and jumped into the hole!" A few minutes pass, and a farmer comes up. The farmer asks "Hey, have you guys seen my sheep?" The first camper says, "Yeah, the craziest thing happened! Your sheep ran, and jumped into this hole!" The farmer laughed, and said "That's impossible! My sheep was tied to a rock."

[Long] A mathematician and his infinite amount of friends walk into a bar.

The bartender asks "what will you all be having?" The mathematician then says, "I'll have a beer and my friend will have half a beer, my other friend will have a quarter of a beer. My other friend will have an eighth of a beer, then a sixteenth," etc. This goes on for a while and after about 40 or more orders, the bartender pipes up, "Jeez, you mathematicians sure don't know your limits," and places two beers down on the counter.

A guy walks into his office with both his ears bandaged up

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, What happened to your ears?

He says, Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.
The boss says, Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?

He says, Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!

Guy goes in for a checkup...

... Doc says, "Mister, I've got bad news, and I've got worse news. Which do you want first?"

The guys says, "Jeez Doc, I guess give me the worse news first."

Doc says, "You've got AIDS. You're gonna die."

"Oh man that's terrible! What's the bad news?"

Doc replies, "You've got Alzheimer's."

"Hey, you know at least I don't have AIDS."

Police officer approaches a drunk man urinating on the street late at night and said.

"Sir, you'll have to accompany me to the police station" the drunk guy responded with a grunt "Jeez! You became a police officer, and still afraid of walking in the dark? Okay I'll walk you home, but don't tell anyone"

What do you call Wisconsin sex parties?

Ohh Jeez

An elderly lady takes a cab ride

When she gets to her destination the drìver says, "That'll be $15."
The old lady lifts up her skirt and says, "How about I pay you with this? "
"Aw jeez lady!" the driver says, "Don't you have anything smaller?"

A landscaper is adding a bunch of sand along the edge of a pond...

He looks at the guy who owns the pond and asks "do you really want me doing this?"

The man snaps back, "YES! JUST KEEP WORKING!"

The landscaper replies "ok! Jeez! I'm just makin' shore!"

I went to buy a new stereo the other day

They were organized by brand and size. Jeez I hate seeing stereotyping these days.

nsfw Two sperms were swimming for the egg...

One sperm says to the other "Jeez, I'm tired! How long til we get to the egg?" The other sperm says, "It's going to be a while, we just got past the colon."

What did the annoyed coffee say when it saw an old acquaintance...

Oh jeez, not this mug again

2 bikers going for a ride...

They decided to stop for a leak off the side of a bridge. As they're doing their business, one biker says "jeez, the water's cold". The other one says "jeez, the bottoms rough...".

A lion calls 911 and gets put on hold.

a couple of minutes later...

911 what is your emergency?

Jeez Finally! One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!

Are the other cubs safe??

Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold...

A German, Frenchman, and Pakistani walk into a bar

"Jeez, we should lower the bar" the Olympic hurdle committee exclaimed.

I hate the people who shout "THIS IS THE POLICE, OPEN THE DOOR YOU CREEP". Who plays those kind of jokes anymore?

You're scaring my wife. She's only 12, jeez.

While a couple was cuddling up the girl perks her head up and asks "babe, you'd never cheat on me would you?"

"of course not. Jeez, what is up with you galls today?"

What did the french baker say after a long day of work?

Jeez, I baguetting tired.

Jeez mom!

They aren't sex dolls, they're sex action figures!!

How to make Jeez puns?

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