Jealous Jokes

117 jealous jokes and hilarious jealous puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about jealous that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you dealing with a jealous wife or girlfriend? You might want to make light of the situation with some hilarious jealous jokes. Explore the different ways to use humor to make the situation less antsy, and discover tips on how to cope with an envious hater.

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Short Jealous Jokes
Jealous One Liners
Jealous Wife Jokes
Jealous Girlfriend Jokes
More Jealous Jokes

Funniest Jealous Short Jokes

Short jealous jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jealous humour may include short angry jokes also.

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season... ... Please don't be jealous
My wife asked me how I was going to feel when our son started dating... Apparently jealous was not the right answer.
I'm Jealous of my imaginary friend I'm Jealous of my imaginary friend because he has a real friend
My wife gets jealous when I go grocery shopping... There's always a cashier checking me out.
Wars would be obsolete if women ruled the world There would just be a bunch of jealous countries who do not talk to eachother.
A cockroach's last words to a husband: "Go ahead, kill me coward. You are just jealous I will make your wife scream more than you do when I climb her."
I'm jealous of agriculture majors who become farmers... Because they always find a job in their field.
Why was the violinist jealous of the accordionist? Because the accordionist could play chords while walking.
I don't understand why everyone keeps calling me a narcissist They're probably just jealous because I'm better than them.
Man: I'm so jealous of your heart right now Woman: why? Man: because it's pounding inside of you and I'm not .

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Jealous One Liners

Which jealous one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jealous? I can suggest the ones about obsessed and greedy.

Why was Sideshow Bob so jealous of Moe? He always wanted to be a bartender.
I heard they found water on Mars... I bet California is pretty jealous.
Why did Germany invade Hungary in WW2 They were jealous of the Hung-Aryans
Why is Batman jealous of Superman? Superman got adopted.
I am jealous of eggs... ... they get laid, while I do not.
Why was the Emo girl jealous of her phone? It died
Why was purple jealous? Because red blue green.
What do you call a jealous container? An envylope.
Who was the blind horse jealous of? The seahorse.
My wife is an angel. All my friends are jealous because their wives are still alive.
As a musician I'm jealous sofas They can at least support a family of 4 comfortably
You're the only person to be jealous of Two-Face Because at least half his face is normal
It must be scary dating an adult film star So many jealous step brothers
What did the Jewish boy get for Christmas? Jealous
Why were the warm colors of the rainbow jealous? Because green blue purple.

Jealous Wife Jokes

Here is a list of funny jealous wife jokes and even better jealous wife puns that will make you laugh with friends.

"How many men have you slept with?" A jealous husband asks his wife.
"Only you," she replies.
"Good."
"All the others were awake."
My wife is upset and jealous about the one night stand I had. We are going to go out and buy one for her side of the bed today.
A man was going to kill a cockroach Man: Any last words?
Cockroach: You're just jealous of me.
Man: Why would I be jealous of you?!
Cockroach: Because I can make your wife scream louder than you can!
Why did the man squish the cockroach? Because he said to the man, "Go ahead, kill me coward. You are just jealous I make your wife scream more than you do when I climb her.'
What did the cockroach say to the man who wanted to squash it? You're just jealous, because I can make your wife scream louder than you can.
A Racist, a viciously jealous wife and a socialist walk into a room... Welcome to the US General election debate!
My wife is the jealous type... If I so much as look at another woman, she snatches the binoculars right out of my hands!
What did the cockroach say to the man that was about to kill him? Your just jealous that I can make your wife scream louder than you can!
Why did Kareem Abdul-Jabbar give up being a Wizard? Cuz he got jealous every time his wife asked to ride his Magic Johnson
I'm not homophobe... I'm only jealous because my wife is a nag.

Jealous Girlfriend Jokes

Here is a list of funny jealous girlfriend jokes and even better jealous girlfriend puns that will make you laugh with friends.

I turned my lamp on... My girlfriend is jealous...
My friend told me i should enlighten her, so the truth lights up for her.
My lamp just told me i should leave her in the dark...
Any ideas?
My girlfriend told me to humble down shes just jealous of the fact that I'm the most humble man on earth
If I was a hero, and I had a girlfriend... I'd be Super Jealous! Overthinking faster than the speed of light!
Jealous girlfriend My girlfriend's jealousy is getting worst by the day..The other day she flew into a rage while looking at my calendar and demanded to know who April and May were.
What do you call the inverted comma of a jealous girlfriend? A possessive's apostrophe
Why did the jealous coroner kill his girlfriend? So he cadaver all to himself.
My girlfriend came home at three in the morning and her lipstick was smudged. Poor woman. Someone must have been really jealous she had it

Jealous joke, My girlfriend came home at three in the morning and her lipstick was smudged.

Happy Jealous Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends

What funny jokes about jealous you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lonely jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make jealous pranks.

John( talking to his counselor ): My wife just hired a young,handsome and muscular man to be our driver..

Counselor: So,you're jealous?
John: No,im just wondering?
Counselor: Wondering about what?
John: We dont have a car.

My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.

We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?
Nah. Need to stay in character.

Why was Six afraid of Seven? Because Seven ate Nine. Lame, right? I made up some more!

Why did Two pay more for socks?
Because it was a three-for-five deal!
Why did Four get jealous of Five?
Because Five had six with Seven!
(And I heard that Seven ate Nine out)
Why did Negative One share its cash prize with Zero after they tied for first place in the race?
Because Zero won too!

Why was the t**... player jealous of his computer's RAM?

It has more gigs than he does.

I have one goal in life.

To be shot by a jealous husband when I'm 100.

Guy is looking for a new secretary...

Jealous wife: You should not get beautiful young girl with a great body. Hire someone who is older, isn't beautiful, married, has children and does not have a great figure.
Husband: OK, when can you start?

Why was the pilot jealous of the chef?

Because of his ground thyme.

I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.

She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.
I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous.

The other day she opened the calander and wanted to know who May was.

Why was my other pillow jealous?

Because I like to sleep around.

caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend.

I caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend, whom I had known since preschool. I can't believe they'd do this to me.
Listen, I'm not a bad guy. I'll grant you that my wife was upset that I was always beating her, and my best friend? He was simply jealous of how much money and property I had.
At my wit's end, I was so angry that when I caught them, I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

Why is Batman so jealous of Superman?

Because he has 3 dead parents and Bruce only has 2

How I fall asleep

People get jealous of me because of how fast I fall asleep so I'm going to share my secret. First of all, ally you have to do is close your ey...

Why did he have jealousy issues with his Canary Island señorita?

Because she was surrounded by playas

I like my women like I like my dragons...

Jealous, n**..., and atop a bunch of gold.

I'm jealous of Santa...

...he can yell "h**... h**... h**..." at anyone and get away with it.

All of my friends are jealous when they find out I hooked up with my math teacher in high school

But honestly, being homeschooled s**....

My wife is a bit jealous and said I can't do anything with another woman that my wife and I do together.

I guess that means I can sleep with another woman but I am not allowed to listen to them complain about their mother.

What do Eric Clapton and Donald Trump have in common?

They were both jealous of the size of a black man's crowd.

Everyone's just jealous of Kim Jong Un

At least the guy has a Korea.

Researchers in Texas have cured diabetes in mice without side effects.

I bet the scientist that are trying to cure diabetes in humans are so jealous right now.

Why is Uranus jealous of Jupiter?

Because when it comes to moons- Jupiter has 69.

A jealous woman, while on a road trip with her friends, would call her husband everyday to check on him.

Her: Where are you?
Him: At home hun.
Her: Don't trust you. Can you run the food processor for me so I know you are home?
Him: Sure Hun .
Whirrrrrrrrrr
Him: There you go.
Her: Ok. Talk to you later...
This went on for a few days. She would call him and ask him to run the food processor, which he would do.
One day she called her children and asked : Where is dad?
Kid: No idea. He leaves early in the morning and comes back late in the night.
But he takes the food processor along wherever he goes.

I'm so jealous of martin luther king jr.

Nobody ever wants to hear stories about my weird dreams

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
Simple, grins the millionaire, I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

Which letters of the alphabet are always jealous?

I'm jealous of the people who first invested in elevators

They really got in on the ground floor.

A man and a woman are making love...

...when the man notices a picture of another man on the lady's bedside.
The man panics and asks, "Who is this? Is this your husband?"
The woman smiles and says, "No... You're so hot when you're jealous!"
The man is still panicked and asks, "Boyfriend?"
The woman shakes her head.
The man is slightly relieved and asks, "Then who is it? Your father? Brother?"
The woman replies, "No..." She leans into his ear and whispers, "That was me before the surgery."

Our ancestors would be so jealous of modern dryers' lint traps

They had to get by on whatever they could capture in their belly b**...

Why were Tommy Wiseau's classmates jealous of him?

Because he had high marks

The jealous husband!

After the husband heard that his wife was cheating on him, he went home furiously and saw his wife cheating with his friend. He shoots his friend right there and he dies. The wife, after saw what happened, said to her husband:
Honey, if you keep doing that, you will lose all of your friends

A jealous boyfriend.

A jealous boyfriend catches his girlfriend whispering quietly into her cell phone very late one night. Are you cheating? her angry boyfriend asks. Is there somebody else? The girlfriend laughs and replies, Do you really think I'd still be dating you if there were someone else?

Pale Tomatoes...

Two women are talking while gardening. "Oh, I am SO jealous of your tomatoes. Mine are so pale and yours are bright red.".
"It's easy, just walk out in your nightgown early in the morning and flash them. They'll be bright red after a couple of days."
They meet again a few weeks later.
"Hey, did my hint about your tomatoes help?"
"Huh. The tomatoes are still pale, but my cucumbers are like five feet...".

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

A girl in my sister's class insisted that if all world leaders were women, there wouldn't be any war...

...One boy piped up, "There wouldn't be any war, just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other!"

Bought some extra sensitive toothpaste the other day...

It got really jealous when I used a different toothpaste this morning

Last weekend I was accused of being dyslexic at a party...

I think they were just jealous of my goat costume, because nobody else put in *any* effort. For some reason they all decided to just wear bed sheets to the goat party.

Another three friends brag about s**....

Friend A starts "I won the lottery last month and now women keep having s**... me, I've slept with at least one girl a night since!"
Friend B counters "Well I'm a model with over 2 million Instagram followers. I pick up several women a day all willing to have s**... with me!"
Friend C, in a fit of jealous rage kills both friends and screams over their corpses "Well now I'm going to prison so I'll have s**... everyday for the next 25 to life!"

Guy at work saw I was jealous of his new keyboard...

He said we can type on it at the same time but our hands might touch, I said that's ok - no home row bro.

Two brothers open their gifts on Christmas Day...

Two brothers, Jack and Charlie, open their gifts on Christmas Day, only to find that Jack has been spoiled with everything he ever wanted. Seeing his brother so jealous, Jack is basking in his smugness.
_Jack:_ I got so many gifts, I don't even know where to keep them!
_Charlie:_ Was cancer on your letter to Santa?

Why was the refrigerator jealous of the mini-fridge?

He was a little cooler

My neighbour has a f**... for holidays

I thought he was just jealous when he asked "Can I come in your suitcase?"

A 70 year old shows up at the country club with his new wife, a gorgeous 25 year old v**...

His buddies are in awe and terribly jealous. "But you're so much older! How did you ever persuade her to marry you?"
"It was easy... I told her I was 90."

Last joke(joke3)

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him
How did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
"SIMPLE" grins the millionaire, "I faked my age".
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"WELL", He replied. "I said I was 87!".

Did you know spiders go deaf if they have no legs?

Well it's true and here's why.
When I was a child I had a pet a spider. It was great I even trained him to jump. 'Jump' I'd shout and with a boing he'd leap into the air.
Well my brother saw this and in a jealous rage he pulled the spiders legs off!
I was heartbroken. 'Jump' I'd shout and the spider would just sit there. Not only had he lost his legs, he'd gone deaf too.

My therapist told me I have narcissistic personality disorder...

I think he's just jealous of me

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her n**... in her sleep to kill the baby.

The next day the Minister died of poisoning.

I picked my son up from college the other day.

He said "Dad this is embarrassing, everybody is looking at us."
I said" They're only jealous son, just because their dad's ain't carrying them on their shoulders."

Why was the other bread jealous of the flat bread that started his own business?

He was a self made naan

Why are l**... jealous of whales?

Because they have 9 foot long tongues and can hold their breath for hours.

I bumped into an old mate of mine yesterday

I bumped into an old mate yesterday. He immediately started showing off, talking about him being an excellent writter and the book he recently launched.
Continuing to show off, he said, "My book has sold 1000 copies till date."
I said, "And how many copies did you buy?."
He said, "Not even one, hahaha jealous much?"
I said, "Wise decision nonetheless."

I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.

She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

What two letters are always jealous?

N-V

If women ruled the world,,,

If women ruled the world there would be no wars.
Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.