JokoJokes

Jar Jokes

182 jar jokes and hilarious jar puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about jar that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh out loud with some of the funniest jokes about jars! From mason jars to pickle jars, we've got the best in jar humor to get your day off to a great start. Whether you're looking for a good tip jar joke or just a silly canister gag, you're sure to find something to make you chuckle.

Funniest Jar Short Jokes

Short jar jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jar humour may include short bottle jokes also.

  1. I changed the tags of my mother's herb jars. She hasn't notice it yet.. But the thyme is cumin
  2. I relabeled all the jars in my mom's spice rack I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.
  3. My girlfriend told me to move out as i am no help around the house. So as i walked out i tightened the lids on all the jars in the kitchen.
  4. Most people think I'm sick and twisted... But I'm not! I have the heart of a little girl.
    In a jar.
    On my desk.
  5. An Affair I recently had an affair with a jar of chocolate spread ..... If you see my wife, you better nutella
  6. Jesus at Last Supper *breaks bread* This is my body
    *pours wine* This is my blood
    *opens jar of mayo*...
    Judas: I'm gonna stop u right there
  7. I switched the label on the jars in my wife's spice rack. She hasn't noticed it yet... I know the Thyme is Cumin.
  8. At the last supper Jesus lifted the bread and spoke, "This is my body." He then lifted the wine and said, "This is my blood."
    He lifted a jar of mayo...
    Peter: "Okay, that's enough!"
  9. I have a jar in my garage labeled, "My Bachelor Years." It's filled with a bunch of random screws.
  10. Why is it called "canning" if it's storing things in glass containers and not cans? Because renaming it at this point would be jarring.

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Jar One Liners

Which jar one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jar? I can suggest the ones about lid and container.

  1. I have a jar full of jars, I call it jar jar, and when I shake it, Jar Jar Clinks
  2. What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with? Meesathelioma.
  3. I bought two jars of queso instead of one... The other one is just in queso-mergency.
  4. How did Chef Gordon Ramsay lose 100 pounds in under a month? He started a swear jar.
  5. Somebody threw a jar of mayonnaise at me yesterday I was like, what the Hellman?!
  6. Someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me What the Hellmann?
  7. Someone stole my jar of mayonnaise at lunch today I was like, What the Hellman?
  8. Why does fruit dislike being preserved? The process is jarring.
  9. Who opens the jars in a lesbian relationship? No one.
    They eat out.
  10. When is a door not a door? When it's a jar.
    (Doctor Who knew how to pun in the 60's)
  11. What do you call a stolen jar? A free mason.
  12. What's the best trade a palindrome has ever made? A nut for a jar of tuna.
  13. My friend has Tourettes. He doesn't have a bank account.
    He has a swear jar.
  14. Some one just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me! I yelled, **What the Hellman!**
  15. Why were the ants dancing on top of the jar of jam? It said "twist to open"

Pickle Jar Jokes

Here is a list of funny pickle jar jokes and even better pickle jar puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What makes a cucumber turn into a pickle? A jarring experience
  • What does it take for a cucumber to become a pickle? A jarring experience.
  • How do you starve a feminist? Lock her in a room with a jar of pickles and a male body builder.
  • I watched a documentary about how pickles are made. It was jarring.
  • How does a cucumber become a pickle? It goes through a jarring experience.
  • What do thrifty Illuminati members like to put their pickled vegetables in? Free Mason jars. :D

    \[\[ Stupidest joke I ever came up with, today at work in the Dish Pit. \]\]
  • What did the cucumber say to the cucumber in a jar? You look pickled.
  • What does a pickle jar and your mom have in common? I banged them both on the kitchen bench
  • Did you hear about the guy would couldn't open the gherkin jar? He was in quite a pickle.
  • Benedict Cumberbatch, if we dissect his name it means "Blessed batch of cucumbers" In other words, he is just a jar of Kosher Dill Pickles

Swear Jar Jokes

Here is a list of funny swear jar jokes and even better swear jar puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Instead of a swear jar, I started a negativity jar. Every time I think negative thoughts, I throw money in. It's half empty.
  • Dropped my swear jar on my foot. Just to see if I'd learnt anything.
  • My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette's suffering girlfriend for years now. I always wondered what kept them together.
    Then I saw the swear jar.
  • How does Gordan Ramsey save money? Swear Jar
  • I got a rude awakening this morning. My swear jar fell on my head.
  • How do you rob a sailor? A swear jar.
  • Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in... It's currently half empty...
  • If LeafyIsHere had a swear jar... He would be bankrupt.
  • How do you bankrupt someone with Tourettes? Follow them around with a swear jar

Jam Jar Jokes

Here is a list of funny jam jar jokes and even better jam jar puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did the therapist counsel the jar of jam to do? "if you'd only open up, people would realize how sweet you were."
  • I recently learned how to store jam properly. I must say, it was a rather jarring event.
  • You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first? This thread!
  • Ants Dancing Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?
    A: The lid said, "Twist to open."
  • I think I might be gender fluid because today I felt like a woman. I couldn't get the lid off a jar of jam.
  • I stole a jar of jelly from a friend... While I was blasting some Daft Punk. He chases me down yelling "That's my jam!"
  • Why did the man bring his jar of jam to the abortion clinic? He had trouble unscrewing it.

Tip Jar Jokes

Here is a list of funny tip jar jokes and even better tip jar puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What Rabbi don't you want to visit? The one with a tip jar.
  • Someone just put $.75 into an empty tip jar It's three quarters full now
  • I believe people who perform circumcision make pretty good money. At least I've heard they have a "tips" jar.
  • How do you stop a black rapper from touching his c**... on the stage? Put a tipping jar there. They hate those things.

Mason Jar Jokes

Here is a list of funny mason jar jokes and even better mason jar puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • i tried to donate blood today. it turns out it has to be your own. now they won't give me back my mason jars.
  • I like my women like I like my mason jars Wide mouthed and full of alcohol!
  • if you receive a mason jar at no cost.... does that make it a freemason jar?
  • Why didn't the mason jar need a paternity test? Because the resemblance was uncanny.
  • I went to dnate blood today... Turns out it has to be your own. Now they wont return my mason jars.
  • I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
  • Can your secret society friend hook me up with some free mason jars? Yes, but they are two dollars.

Cheeky Jar Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle

What funny jokes about jar you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pickle jar jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make jar pranks.

Jesus and the disciples are at the last supper...

Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."
Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."
Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient

"When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?" asked the lawyer.
"I didn't" said the doctor.
"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.
"No, I did not" the doctor said.
"So in other words" the lawyer said "When you signed the death certificate you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead."
"Well, let me put it this way," said the doctor- "At that point, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk. But for all I know I guess he could've been out practicing law somewhere!"

I was walking home and somebody threw a mayonnaise jar at my head

I turned round and shouted What the h**... man

Cross-examination of a coroner

"Did you check the victim's pulse?"
"No, I did not."
"Did you check if the victim's breathing had stopped?"
"No, I did not."
"Did you check for any signs of brainwave activity?"
"No, I did not."
"Then how do you even know the victim is dead?"
"Well, his brain is in a jar on my desk right now, but for all I know he might be out practicing law somewhere."

A man walks into a bar and sees a large jar full of £20 notes and a large piece of meat hanging from the ceiling

He confronts the bartender about it, and he explains.
'You put your £20 note in the jar, and then you get 3 jumps where you can try and grab that beef on the ceiling. If you get it, you can keep it and all the money in the jar.'
The man thought about for the moment, shook his head regretfully, and said,
'Nah, the steaks are too high.'

I went shopping with my wife.

Going down one of the aisles I noticed they had beer on sale $10 a case. I put it in the cart and she told me to put it back we couldn't afford it.
A couple aisles later she picks up a jar of face cream for 20 dollars.
I asked how come we can afford this and not the beer.
She said this makes my face pretty.
I said so will a case of beer for half the price.

A guy sits down at the bar and orders a Martini with two olives...

bartender gives him the drink, he takes out the two olives, puts them aside on a napkin, drinks the martini, asks for another. By the fourth Martini with two olives, the bartender asks the man "I don't mind, but I gotta ask....why do you ask for a Martini with two olives, then take the two olives out of it?" the man replies "My wife sent me to the store for a jar of olives but the store was closed."

Three older ladies are discussing the trials of getting older.

One says, Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich. The second lady chimes in, Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down. The third one responds, Well, I'm sure glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood. She raps her knuckles on the table, then says, That must be the door, I'll get it.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart...

...'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
The husband says, 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says "this is my body", pours the wine and says "this is my blood"...

...and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says "Okay buddy I'm gonna stop you right there."

Jar Full of $10 Bills

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $10 bills on the bar. He goes to the barkeep and says "Hey, what's up with that jar?"
The bartender responds "Well, you put in 10 bucks, do 3 challenges, and if you do them you get the whole jar."
The man says "Wow that's pretty cool, what are the challenges?"
The barkeep lists "Well, first ya gotta drink a whole bottle of hot sauce, and no nursing. Second, there's a dog out back who has a sore tooth and he's real grouchy, and you gotta take out the bad tooth bare handed. Last, there's this old lady upstairs who's never done the hokey pokey, if ya know what I mean, and you gotta fix that."
The man replies in disgust "I can't do any of those!" So the man gets drunk. Being drunk, he decides he can do anything and says "Hand me the bottle of hot sauce." So the bartender hands the man the bottle and the man drinks the whole, straight down. He then goes outside to deal with the dog. As the door shuts you hear yelping and screaming and hollering and growling and then.... dead silence... The door creaks open and the man walks in. He's all covered in blood, his shirts torn, he's missing hair... and in a drunken slur he asks "Where's the old lady with the tooth problem?"

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look s**... and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."

Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket

The husband picks up a case of Fosters and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of Fosters, and it's half the price.'

Every time I have s**... with my girlfriend I put a dollar in a jar.

On Valentine's Day I use what I saved to buy a gift for her.

How to put 2 elephants in a jar without them touching each other?

You just put a third elephant between them.

People tell me we should be preserving endangered species.

But you offer someone a jar of your pickled panda and they lose their s**....

A man threw a jar of mayonnaise at me earlier

I was like what the h**... man

Brainless Lawyers

In a m**... trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

Just spent the last hour tightening every bottle top and jar in my house…

That will teach my wife for saying she doesn't need me anymore…

Someone brings their new friend over to their house for the first time.

The friend is walking through the living room when they stop at the fireplace and pick up an odd-looking jar that caught their eye. "What's this?" they ask.
The host replies, "Oh, that's my Father's ashes."
Startled, the friend turns and accidentally drops the container onto the floor where it shatters and spills the ashes everywhere. "Oh no! OH NO!! I'm SO sorry!" they exclaim.
"Don't worry about it. We'll just clean it up, my Dad can tap his cigarettes into a mug until he buys another jar from Walmart."

Wife and i need a vacation.

So my wife and i needed a vacation, however didn't have the money. So my wife suggests that for one year every time we have s**... we put $20 in a jar, at the end of the year we use the moeny to pay for a trip. A year goes by and we decide to count the money.. I count it and tell the wife we have $1200, but then i ask her i thought we agreed to only put $20 in the jar, why are there $50 and $100 bills? My wife replied, not everyone is as cheap as you!!!

A 75 year old used to put his fake teeth in a jar of water before sleeping

He used to do this every night. One day he felt thirsty and accidentally drank the water which he put his dentures. The next day, he had severe stomach pain and went to the doctor.
The doctor examined him thoroughly, wiped his brow of sweat visibly shaking and said - In all my years being a doctor, I thought I had seen everything. But this is the first time, I saw an a**... smiling at me .

A worm munches himself into the center of a cucumber.

He keeps eating the delicious cucumber center when all of a sudden he feels himself lifted into the sky and t**... into a jar. He peaks out of the cucumber to see a bunch of other cucumbers. All of a sudden he sees liquid being poured inside the jar.
He crawled back inside his cucumber grave where he thought to himself "I'm really in a pickle this time."

A Man Walks Into a Bar...

A man walks into a bar and looks up at the ceiling. He sees 2 steaks stuck to the ceiling and a jar filled with 100 dollar bills to the brim. He asks the bartender what is up with the steaks. The bartender says, "I will pay anyone $1,000 if they can get the steaks down, but if you fail, you have to pay me $200." The man backs away and says, "I can't do it! The steaks are too high!"

I went to the store with my wife!

While passing the beer cooler I picked up a case and put it in the cart.
She asked what was I doing and I said "10 dollars is cheap for a case of beer."
She replied, "We can't afford it, put it back."
So I put it back, and a few more Isles down, she picked up a 20 dollar jar of face cream and put it in the cart.
I asked, "How can we afford this?"
She replied, "Because this makes my face pretty."
I said so will a case of beer at half the price.

I opened the door and said "Honey, I'm home...", she didn't reply

She just stood still in the glass jar.

She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."

I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."

Who is tall, orange-skinned, blatantly racist, should not be a politician, and makes everyone groan whenever he appears on TV?

Jar Jar Binks

Life isn't like a box of chocolates.

It's more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your a**... tomorrow.

A husband and wife were grocery shopping...

He picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They continue shopping. Later on, she puts a £20 jar of face cream in the basket. "What are you doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. He said, "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."

Last Halloween

Last Halloween, I went to a costume party. I spot a guy dressed in a monkey costume with a jar of peanut butter in one hand and a chocolate bar in the other. I asked him what he was dressed as, and he replied, "Me? I am a Reese's Monkey."

A woman walks into the bank with a giant glass jar filled with coins.

Impressed, the teller exclaims "Oh, my! Did your horde all this yourself?"
The woman replied and said, no my sister w**... for half of it.

I accidentally had a jar of invisible ink

I'm now at the hospital waiting to be seen

A mohel collected all the foreskins in a jar, for the duration of his thirty year career.

Upon his retirement, he brought them to a local leather shop and requested a custom piece.
"What should I make?" asked the leathersmith.
"Surprise me," said the mohel.
A week later he returned to find the result. A wallet.
"There were hundreds of foreskins there, and all you can produce is a wallet?"
"Wait, the best part.. if you rub it, it turns into a briefcase."

An older man was asked how he had stayed married so long...

An older man was asked how he had stayed married so long. So he said that the secret to a long, happy relationship was to put a dollar in a jar everytime he looked lustfully at another woman. That way, he could afford to take his wife on an annual vacation.

What do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise?

Lmayo!

So I was walking down the street and someone threw a jar of mayo at me.

I was like "What the Hellmann?"

Someone invites their friend over to their house for the first time and shows them around.

Admiring an ornate jar with a lid, the friend picks it up and asks about its importance.
"Oh, those are my father's ashes." comes the reply which startles them, causing the jar to slip between their fingers and shatter on the floor in a cloud of grey dust.
"OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY!" profuses the panicked friend, but they're reassured- "Relax! My dad can put his smokes out in a mug until he buys another one."

Defense!


In a m**... trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart? Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere!

I was trying to close my fridge but something was keeping it open.

It was a jar.

What's Jar Jar Binks' favorite soup?

Miso soup

What happens when you stick your hand in a jar of jelly beans?

The black ones steal your watch.

Whenever we had guests over, my wife would get embarrassed because I have the mind of a child.

In a jar. On the coffee table. (Credit to Stephen King for this one)

My wife got really mad at breakfast.

Next thing I knew she hit me with the jar of honey. I never saw it coming.

It was a really viscous blow.

What do you call a funny jar of sauce

Lmayo

I always put my laughter in a jar...

I make the best laughing stock in town

An Attorney and a Doctor in court...

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Doctor: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Doctor: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Doctor: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Doctor: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Doctor: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

A boy swallows a whole jar of coins...

A boy swallows a whole jar of coins, and is taken to a hospital. When the doctor came out to speak with the parents, he said, "No change yet."

What did the spice jar say as he emptied into the dish?

Oh my god, I'm cumin!!!

My roommate threw a jar of mayonnaise at me last night.

So i said to him, what the h**... man ?

I dropped a jar of cumin seeds on the floor

I guess it's ground cumin now

I'm gonna go buy a car shaped like a peanut butter jar

I'll be back in a Jif

I went into the pet shop and I said "I want to buy a wasp"

The shopkeeper said "We don't sell wasps" and I said "But you've got one in the window".
\~\~\~\~
So instead I bought a dozen bees. As I was paying for them I said "Here, I bought twelve bees but there's 13 in this jar" and he said "Yes, one of them's a freebee".

Why did the jar of weak acid go to the gym.

To become a buffer solution

A man saw a jar at a store's check-out counter that read "Donate $1 for children".

"That's a good deal!" he thought.

Who opens stuck jar lids in a lesbian relationship?

Usually, it's the male side who deals with stubborn jars in a straight relationship. But who to be charged with this sacred duty in a lesbian relationship?
The answer is no one, they eat out all the time.

A riddle

Who's got orange skin, poor speaking skills, is overwhelmingly disliked and is in over his head?
Yeah, I know, too easy right?
It's Jar Jar Binks

Don't Eat Too Many Lollipops

A mother tells her little boy, "Johnny, you mustn't eat too many lollies or I'll hide the lolly jar." Johnny asks, "Why?" His mother says, "Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!" The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman. He points to her belly smiling and says, "I know what you've been doing!"

jokes about jar