japanese Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious japanese stories

What are the best Japanese puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Japanese? Well here is a complete list of Japanese to have fun with:

I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

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What's the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend?

You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.

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What do you get if you take off the red dot on the Japanese flag?

The French flag!

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How do you say goodbye to a thousand Japanese people?

A big wave

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A Jewish man and a Chinese man strike up a conversation...

Before long they're arguing...

Jewish man: "You know what? I hate you."

Chinese man: "For what?"

Jewish man: "Pearl Harbor!"

Chinese man: "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!"

Jewish man: "eh, Japanese, Chinese what's the difference?"

Chinese man: "Well, you kow what? I hate you."

Jewish man: "For what?!?"

Chinese man: "The Titanic!"

Jewish man: "An iceberg sunk the Tatanic!"

Chinese man: "eh, Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

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I broke up with a Japanese girl last week...

It sucked, because I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.

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The new store...

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be opened new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked, 'What you sell?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arseholes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well. Only two left!'

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Phrase of the day

An American businessman is in Japan for an important contract. Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a cute, young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't speak or understand Japanese, the man is glad to know that he managed to please her so much.

The next day, he strikes the deal, and is invited to play golf with his Japanese associates. On the hardest hole of the course, one Japanese businessman manages to score an impressive hole-in-one. His colleagues start cheering him in Japanese, and the man, not wanting to be left out, starts chanting "Soko janai! Soko janai!". Suddenly everyone goes quiet, and one of them turns to him and says "No sir, I'm sure that's the right hole."

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A Spaniard, an American, and a Japanese man are approached by a billionaire.

A Spaniard, an American, and a Japanese man are approached by a billionaire. The billionaire asks them to participate in a year-long experiment wherein they will be taken to a deserted island to survive.

He assigns them each tasks according to their heritage:

The Spaniard will be in charge of food.
The American will be in charge of shelter.
And the Japanese man will be in charge of supplies.

A year passes on the island and the billionaire returns to find only the Spaniard and American left.

"What happened?! Where is the Japanese man?" he asks.

"We're not sure! As soon as we got here he took off into the forest and we haven't seen him since."

Worried for the Japanese man, they decide to search the island.

After a few minutes of walking, all of the sudden, the Japanese man leaps out from the bushes and yells, "**SUPPLIES!**"

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What do Japanese men do when they have erections?

They vote.

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I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend but she keeps calling me

Seems like I have to drop the bomb twice.

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A Japanese man on vacation in america...

Went to a bank near his hotel to exchange his yen for dollars. He hands the teller 1,000 yen and he gets 10 dollars. The next day he goes to the same bank and hands the teller 1,000 yen only this time he gets back 8 dollars. When the Japanese man asks why, the teller replies "Because fluctuations." the Japanese man says "Oh yeah? Well fuck you Americans too!"

-edit. changed 100 yen to 1,000.

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A Korean and a Jew

Jew: Hey... weren't you people responsible for Pearl Harbor?

Korean: Uh... that was the Japanese. I'm Korean.

Jew: Pffft, Japanese, Chinese, Korean. What's the difference?

Korean: Well wait, weren't you people responsible for sinking the Titanic?

Jew: Uh... that was an iceberg.

Korean: Pffft, Rosenberg, Goldberg, iceberg... What's the difference?

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What does a Japanese guy name his pet lion?

Ryan

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An American goes to Japan....

...to close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a hooker in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.

In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what she is yelling.

The next day, he is playing golf with his Japanese customer. On the third tee, the Japanese man swings, the ball makes a beautiful arc, hits the green, bounces twice, rolls, and winds up right in the cup -- a hole in one!

Thinking to impress his client, the man repeats the phrase he had heard so much the night before. The Japanese golfer eyes him and says, "What you mean.... wrong hole?"

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What do you call an alcohol free Japanese city?

Nadasaki

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What do Japanese men do when they have erections?

Vote

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I warn you not to mess with me!

I know Karate, Judo, Aikido, Jiujitsu and 22 other japanese words.

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In an 3rd grade American class room...

The teacher is discussing U.S. presidents.

"Who gave the Gettysburg Address?" she asked the class.

Immediately a hand shot up belonging to a female Japanese foreign exchange student.

"Yes?" the teacher asked.

"Abraham Lincoln! 1863!" replied the girl proudly.

"That's correct," said the teacher, "Now can anyone tell me who wrote the Declaration of Independence?"

Again the Japanese girl's hand shot up. This time the teacher waited to see if anyone else knew the answer, but no one came forward. She called on the foreign exchange student again.

"Thomas Jefferson! 1776!" said the girl proudly once again.

The teacher addressed the rest of class and said "You should all be ashamed of yourselves. This little girl has been in the country for less than a month and she knows more about your history than you do."

The class grumbled and mumbled, and excuses were pouring out as well as dissatisfaction. Then from the back of the room someone shouted "To hell with the Japanese!"

The teacher now flustered and angry questioned "Who said that?"

The japanese girl couldn't contain her excitement and shouted back "Harry Truman! 1945!"

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What did a Japanese guy name his pet lion?

Ryan.

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A Japanese man walks into a currency exchange

A Japanese man walks into a currency exchange with 4000 yen to exchange and receives $40.


A week later, he walks into the currency exchange again with 4000 yen, but this time only receives $30. He asks the teller why he received less money this time.


"Fluctuations," the teller says.


Furious, the Japanese man storms out of the exchange, but before slamming the door, turns around and shouts "Fluc you Amelicans too!"

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A recent study revealed that 85% of all Japanese men have cataracts.

The rest drive Rincons and Chevrorays.

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What do the Japanese do when they have an erection?

They vote.

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An American businessman was in Japan...

He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman... (long joke)

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ghanaian, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, 2 Africans and you...
walk into a fine restaurant.


"I'm sorry," says the maรฎtre d', after scrutinizing the group, "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

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The garbage men are collecting the bins when one of them notices the bin of the old Japanese guy in number 23 is missing....

So he rings the dorbell.

"Harro!" the Japanese man says as he opens the door "What is matter?"

The garbage man, short on time, cuts to the chase "Where's your bin?"

"Uhm... I bin on toiret"

"Nah man, I mean where's your dust bin?"

"I said, I dust bin on toiret!"

"Dude you're understanding me wrong. Where's your wheely bin?"

"Fiiiine" says the Japanese guy, "I wheely bin having wank!"

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A Japanese man, an American, an Englishman, and a Mexican are in a plane. The plane's about to crash.

The pilot says over the intercom "The plane is about to crash, but if we jettison the cargo, we may be able to get back up."

The cargo is jettisoned, but there is no significant effect.

The pilot then says "The plane can only support one man other than me and the copilot, so the three of you must make a sacrifice. May God have mercy on your souls."

The Japanese man decides to jump out first and shouts "Tenno haika banzai! (Long live the Emperor)". The Englishman in all his dignity closes his eyes, jumps down and shouts "God save the Queen!".

The American quickly gets up, throws the Mexican off the plane and yells "Remember the Alamo!"

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A Japanese businessman hails a taxi...

As they go along the highway, a car zooms past by.

"Oooh," exclaims the businessman, "that's a Toyota. Made in Japan, very fast!"

Moments later, another car speeds ahead.

"Ahhhhh," exclaims the businessman again, "a Nissan! Made in Japan too, also very fast!"

Then once more, another car rushes ahead.

"Oooooh," exclaims the businessman, "a Mitsubishi! Made in Japan and very fast again!"

Then they reach their destination.

"Why bill so big?!" complained the Japanese.
"Meter's made in Japan," replied the driver. "Very fast!"

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An Englishman went on a business trip to Japan...

When he got there, he stayed in a nice hotel and decided to call a prostitution service. Not knowing a single word of Japanese, it was he struggled with the ordering process.

When the girl finally arrived, they stripped down and get down to business... They were having a blast and the girl kept screaming **"Machigatta ana, Machigatta ana..!!"** Deciding that it was a sign that the girl was pleasantly satisfied, he thought nothing of it and continued all night long.

The next morning, the Englishman went and have a round of golf with his Japanese business partner. His business partner swung first.... **BAM!** **Hole in one!**

"Nice shot my friend, machigatta ana..." said the Englishman

Looking puzzled, his business partner replied

"That shot was perfect... but what do you mean 'wrong hole'?"

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Why do Japanese people always look serious in photos?

Last time they saw a flash, it destroyed their country.

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Itchipussy

A cougar had just finished purchasing groceries. The clerk asks if she would like any help out. The woman, seeing the bag boy was an attractive young man, she says she would. In the parking lot she sees her chance to make a move, and does:

Woman: (whispers) Hey cutie, I've got an itchipussy.

Bag boy: Look lady, all these Japanese cars look alike to me, you'll have to point it out.

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What's the difference between a lobster and a Japanese woman run over by a steamroller?

One's a crustacean and the other is a crushed Asian.

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Biochem professor told me this one today... Who is the all time leading scorer in hockey history?

-(Answer)

-No, no its not him. Its a Japanese guy, the name's Eshutsi.

-Eshutsi? I've never heard of him....

-You haven't? How many times have you heard the announcer say "He shoots he scores!!!"

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A Japanese shogun is looking for a new samurai.

He summons three swordsmen, one of them Jewish, to his palace to showcase their skills. The first swordsman stands before the shogun with a sword and a small box. When he opens the box, a small box. When he opens the box, a fly flies out. With one swing of his sword, the fly is dead. The second swordsman again brings a sword and a small box. When he opens the box, an even smaller fly comes out, and he kills it with one swing. The shogun is impressed. At last, the Jewish swordsman walks up. He is also carrying a sword and a small box. He opens the box and an even smaller fly comes out. He swings his sword around many times, but it doesn't seem to affect the fly. "I am disappointed," says the shogun. "You didn't kill the fly." The Jew replies, "A circumcision is not meant to kill."

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Nelson Mandela...

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder: "You sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the Japanese is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening it, there is the same Japanese thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the man by his shirt and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?

The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says...

"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

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What do Japanese men do when they have an erection?

They vote.

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I know Karate...

...And like two other Japanese words.

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An elderly Japanese man...

An elderly Japanese man was walking behind me as I was entering a store. Since he was older and walked with a cane, I held the door for him. As he walked pasted he said, "Sank you" with his accent. So I punched him in the face and said, "How dare you bring up Pearl Harbor like that!"

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I drop kicked a Japanese woman today

After holding the door open for her, she said to me "Sank you"

How dare she bring up Pearl Harbor like that after my nice gesture!

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First time cougar at grocery store

A newly divorced 40-ish woman is in the check-out line at the grocery store. The bag boy asks if she needs help out to her car, and he's cute, so she says yes.

When they are into the parking lot, she leans over and says to him, "I have an itchy pussy."

He responds, "I'm sorry ma'am, but you're going to have to point it out. All those Japanese cars look the same to me."

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What do Japanese men do when they have an
erection?

They vote.

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Why do Japanese people look so serious in pictures?


Last time they saw a flash it destroyed their country

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An American businessman goes to Japan (NSFW)

An American businessman goes to Japan to meet with a client so the night before, he hires a prostitute. While they're having sex, she keeps moaning "machigatta ana." The man is confident about himself and goes to meet with his client the next day at a golf course. While there, the client makes a hole-in-one and the businessman congratulates the client by saying "machigatta ana" to which the Japanese client says "what do you mean 'wrong hole?'"

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Dork Ruined Joke Then Deleted It Because He Couldn't Stand The Downvotes: Reposted Right

An American gentleman arranged a liaison with a Japanese lady. As they were indulging in sexual intercourse, she repeatedly shouted a Japanese word which he did not understand but took to mean "Wonderful" or something similar which increased his ardor, his efforts with the lady, and his enjoyment, as well as her apparent enjoyment because she kept shouting that word.

The next day, he played golf with some Japanese business associates and hit a hole in one. In elation, he shouted out the same word his poule de nuit had been shouting the night before. One of the Japanese gentlemen present, perplexed, asked, "What do you mean "'wrong hole'"?

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What kind of pants did the Japanese porn star wear to her job interview?

Bu-khakis

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A Japanese woman moves to America

And needs some cash. So she goes to the bank and gives them 10000 yen, and they give her 90 dollars. A week later she needps more cash, so she goes back to the bank and gives them 10000 yen. This time they only give her 80 dollars.

"Why only 80 this week when you gave me 90 last week?" She asks the teller.

The teller shrugs and tells her "Fluctuations."

The woman replies "Fuck you white people!"

Edited inaccurate exchange rate.

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Business Trip to Japan

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fujifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable..

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo".

The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

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What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese Girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

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A 40-something, horny woman is checking out at a grocery store

There is a 20 year old, handsome bagger, who asks her if she needs help out to her car. She looks at him and immediately says yes.

As they are walking, she leans over and says, "You know, I have an itchy pussy."

He responds, "You'll have to point it out, ma'am. All those Japanese cars look the same to me."

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An American, a Japanese and a Bosnian architect are looking at a mountain.

American: If we Americans started drilling on the one end of the mountain and on the other end of the mountain, we would build a tunnel in about two months.
Japanese: That's nothing, if we Japanese started drilling on the one end of the mountain and on the other end of the mountain, we would build a far better tunnel in only one month.
Bosnian: If we Bosnians started drilling on the one end of the mountain and on the other and of the mountain, in one month our employer would get two tunnels for the price of one.

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best japanese jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty japanese gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these japanese jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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