January Jokes
111 january jokes and hilarious january puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about january that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh your way into the new year with these hilarious January jokes. Get ready to make a splash with these top jokes about January 1st, the January blues, the January gym, a January kid's birthday, a January lunch box, and starting the year off right. Enjoy the laughs with family and friends!
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Funniest January Short Jokes
Short january jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The january humour may include short january 1st jokes also.
- I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above. It's my new year's resolution.
- Why do January 6 deniers never last very long in Dungeons & dragon campaigns? They always fail their Constitution checks.
- I don't care if Caitlin Jenner identifies as a woman, but April identifying as January is crossing the line.
- Liz Cheney will agree to dismantle the January 6 Commission under one condition That is if Donald Trump can go on a hunting trip with her Dad.
- I'm starting a new business tomorrow. It will be a gym for two weeks in January, and then a beer and burger place for the rest of the year.
I'm calling it, "Resolutions." - What do trump and a Christmas tree both have in common ? They both get thrown out in January
- The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
- How many seconds are there in one year? 12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, august 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.
- Trump will still be president of The United States after January 20th He's having Rudy draw up the paperwork to form The United States Total Landscaping Co. as we speak!
- I don't care what the liberal media says about the election. Come January, my national leader isn't going to change, and his name starts with T, R, and U. It's Justin Trudeau. I'm Canadian.
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January One Liners
Which january one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with january? I can suggest the ones about march and august.
- How many excel users does it take to screw in a light bulb? Monday January 01, 1900
- joe Biden is not my president!! At least not till January which won't come soon enough.
- You shouldn't kiss someone on January 1st It's the first date
- 2020 has a new calendar out January
February
Lockdown
December - Do you know who Russia's 3 greatest generals are? December, January, and February.
- Student: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: It's may. Student: No, it's January
- I just told my wife I am going dry for January I really can't be bothered with foreplay.
- I'm finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K this January It's my New Years resolution.
- When does the narwhal bacon? Not on January 18th.
- Dry January is going really well. Even if everyone keeps saying that I need to shower.
- Pokemon go in January is the worst Everyone is joining all the gyms
- When will mark zuckerberg die? January 19 2038 of course
- January 20, 2017 The day America expires.
- January is national stalking awareness month... That crept up on my fast
- What Month Is It? No, not January.
June.
We've just seen the end of May.
January 1st Jokes
Here is a list of funny january 1st jokes and even better january 1st puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Finally got round to booking my laser eye surgery for the 1st January Can't wait to have 2020 vision.
- I don't think I was concentrating properly when midnight struck on January 1st 2000. It just went in one era and out the other.
- So I saw an internet survey the other day... and apparently 99.87% of the population was born on the 1st of January! How very strange!
- I got a new ultra high definition monitor on January 1st. My New Year's resolution is 4K.
- What do cows say on January 1st? Happy moo year!
- It's only January 1st, but I already know what I'm doing next year. I have 2020 vision.
- Starting January 1st McDonald's will not be making fries any longer They are already long enough
- Everyone else saying "haven't seen you since last year" on January 1st Meanwhile i say "see you next year" on January 1st and proceed to hide in my room
- What will the Soviets do on January 1st, 2019? They'll make a new year's revolution.
- Happy 47th birthday, teens logging into adults-only websites! And the same to anyone else whose birthday actually *is* January 1st, 1969.
January 1 Jokes
Here is a list of funny january 1 jokes and even better january 1 puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the psychologist say to his client after diagnosing him with a phobia on January 1? Happy new fear.
- I can't believe it! 364 days to January 1... Yet everyone is celebrating already!
- On January 1, 2019, New Horizons will fly by a small, frozen world in the Kuiper Belt called Imndan, which orbits a billion miles beyond Pluto. This small frozen world is a stereotypical red dot.
- January 1, 1990 Go change it.
January Kid Jokes
Here is a list of funny january kid jokes and even better january kid puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Year 2020 passed like a kid reciting the alphabet. January — ABCD...
February — EFG...
March — HIJK...
April to December — ELEMENOP. - My grandma is going celebrate her last Christmas as a kid. ...According to Nat King Cole at least, she turns 93 in January.
January Gym Jokes
Here is a list of funny january gym jokes and even better january gym puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions So it's best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd
- My overweight friend's 2017 resolution was to join a gym and lose weight. We're three weeks into January and he's already quit. I asked him, "What happened??" "Just didn't work out."
- It must be pretty funny to work at a gym in January. You get to count how many people buy yearly memberships and instantly break their New Years resolutions in the following weeks.
January Birthday Jokes
Here is a list of funny january birthday jokes and even better january birthday puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- (Overheard at work) I'm not saying 2020 has been a long year... But we just celebrated my son's third birthday and he was born in January.
- Today would have been my moms 50th birthday... but she was born in January.
- What is the most popular birthday based on Internet records? January 1st, 1993
Hilarious Fun January Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about january you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean independence jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make january pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jumper
On January 9 a group of Pekin IL , bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.
The Harley leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit s**...," she says.
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing s**...?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl".
The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!
Father and son in supermarket. "Dad, what are these?"
"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."
"What about the 6pack dad?"
"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."
"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"
"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."
My sister is a mathematician...
She celebrates 4/20 on January fifth because it's just simpler that way.
January 4th is the commemoration of Schrodinger's death...
But since he's is in a box, we are not sure.
Two Unix experts are talking about their age...
- What is your date of birth?
- 0
- Ohh, nice I was born in January too.
Who's the wost president ever?
Guess we'll find out in January.
The date is 20 January 2017.
The date is 20 January 2017. Donald Trump has just been sworn in as President. He walks to the mic for his inauguration speech. He looks at Obama and says "You're Fired"
Obama's announcement
Today, President Obama announced that, after January 20th, the official title of "U.S. Government" will be changed to include quotation marks around Government.
Why did the mathematician celebrate 4/20 on January 5?
Because he knows how to reduce fractions.
You know what the greatest thing about January 20th 2017 12:01 AM?
That is when its going to be the darkest before the Donald
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
January 20, 2017; 12:02 p.m.
I felt a great disturbance in the force, as if millions of voices cried out in t**... and suddenly silenced!........oh wait, never mind. It was just the inauguration
Hey why are they calling it a women's March?
It's still January!
No one talked about it but the threat level was raised on January 20th, 2017
They raised it to orange.
The March for Life is all fine and well.....
But why are we forgetting the January and February for Life?
New Years resolution
Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year's Resolution
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As it's January 1st, I've decided on two New Year's Resolutions: To stop smoking, and to stop m**....
I've gone down from 20 a day to 15 a day, but the smoking is proving much harder to quit.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On January 1st I joked to my girlfriend we haven't had s**... all year.
It's getting less funnier each day I tell her.
This Date in History: January 28, 1521. The Diet of Worms begins
and lasts until people get tired of eating worms.
Originally, International Women's Day was celebrated on the 8 of January.
However, because they had to get ready, it has since been postponed to 8 March.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The date is January 31, 1990, and the Soviet Union has opened its first McDonalds...
A KGB agent walks up to the front and asks, One v**..., please.
The woman at the register looks and says, Comrade, this is a McDonalds. We don't serve v**....
The KGB agent looks surprised and says, Excuse me, comrade. One *McVodka*, please.
January 2190
When was the time machine created?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When it gets to January, I'm going to overthrow the Government!
It'll be my new year's Revolution
Senseless Joke
If a dog crashes a double decker bus in the middle of january was the holocaust a hoax?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've done a lot of s**... stuff in my life,
but at least I've never signed up at the gym in January.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I Haven't Had s**... This Year
~~Or ever~~ Because it's January 1st hahaha
What did people say in January, to celebrate Van Gogh's new prosthetic?
Happy New Ear!
The weather in London is crazy right now.
It's the middle of January, but it feels like the end of May.
When January finally arrives we'll find out whether we've defeated the evil year 2020 or not. According to my calendar...
Twenty-twenty won.
People may have hope for the year after that, but I hear it'll be twenty-twenty too.
They've finally reached a Covid Stimulus deal!
It includes a direct payment of $40 in Kohl's Cash that will be valid from January 3 - January 7, 2021.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last year, one of my new year resolutions was too stop being so arrogant and c**...
Realised a week into January I didn't need to bother because I am already perfect
When I woke up on January 1st, I was surprised to see that my wife looked very pixelated.
She saw the expression of confusion on my face and said, "oh, don't worry honey, this is just my new year's resolution"
The FBI recently found a common link amoung those that stormed the capital on the January 6th riots.
Turns out they all shop at Traitor Joes.
My friend Jack …
… woke up on January 1st 2021, glanced over at his wife Edna and was suprised to see that she looked weirdly pixelated.
Oh my god! he yelped with a look of confusion and growing concern on his face, What happened last night?!
Seeing his expression, Edna reached over to give him a hug saying, Oh don't worry honey, this is just my New Year's resolution!
Does anyone recall the guy in the superhero outfit at the Capitol on January 6th?
He was on the far right.
I think Christmas should be moved to January.
The stores are less crowded and everything is on sale.
Did you know the original Gregorian calendar had different months?
January = Greg
February = Ian
March = Greg
April = Ian
May = Ian
June = Greg
July = Ian
August = Greg
September = Greg
October = Ian
November = Greg
December = Ian
Sherlock Holmes arrives at a crime scene, and immediately bends down to pick up a button on the floor.
Hmm… Sherlock ponders, I deduce that the individual this button belongs to is 6' 1 , was born in January, and has a fascination with blueberry muffins.
Watson was completely confused by his partner's deduction.
How could you possibly get all that from just a button?
Elementary! Sherlock replied. Because it's mine!
