january Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious january puns

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.


On January 1st I joked to my girlfriend we haven't had sex all year.

It's getting less funnier each day I tell her.


I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th...

Because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons.


I don't care if Caitlin Jenner identifies as a woman,

but April identifying as January is crossing the line.


As of the 25th of January, viagra is going to be sold by its chemical name.

Ask your pharmacist for mycoxaflopin.


You shouldn't kiss someone on January 1st

It's the first date


How many seconds are there in one year?

12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.


Father and son in supermarket. "Dad, what are these?"

"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."

"What about the 6pack dad?"

"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."

"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"

"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."


Do you know who Russia's 3 greatest generals are?

December, January, and February.


New Years resolution

Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year's Resolution


There's a special running course around the White House.

Every president does this before they leave office, and records their times in a special book dating back to the early 19th century. Obama recently completed it, knowing he had to get it done before January. He did 9:25 and was quite pleased with it. He wondered if he had set the record, but then he found out that Bush did 9:11.



A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."


The date is January 31, 1990, and the Soviet Union has opened its first McDonalds...

A KGB agent walks up to the front and asks, One vodka, please.

The woman at the register looks and says, Comrade, this is a McDonalds. We don't serve vodka.

The KGB agent looks surprised and says, Excuse me, comrade. One *McVodka*, please.


Two Unix experts are talking about their age...

- What is your date of birth?
- 0
- Ohh, nice I was born in January too.


I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said 1 dollar for dirty joke.

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: Alright sir whats your name?

Me: John

Homeless man: So Johnny, there is black rooster alright?

How many legs does that chicken have.

Me: Two?

Homeless man: Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?

Me: Two?
Homeless man: Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?

Me: Two?

Homeless man: Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?

Me: I don't know? A lot?

Homeless man: Well Johnny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.


Joke from WWII: The USSR's three greatest generals.

What're the names of the USSR's three greatest generals? December, January, and February!


My grandfather was arrested numerous times for selling a phony life lengthening drug...

Once in 1888, again in 1922, a third time in 1954, and another time in January 2018


A man is at the supermarket with his 7 year old son when they walk past the condoms

The boy asks: 'Daddy, what are those?', to which the man replies 'Those are condoms son'. 'What are they for?', asks the boy. His dad replies 'To, ehhm ah eh, protect you from diseases'.
'Why do they sell them in packs of 3, 6 and 12?'.
'Well, the packs of 3 are for 16 year olds. One for friday, one for saturday, and one for sunday.'
'And the packs of 6?'
'Those are for 21 year olds. 2 for friday, 2 for saturday and 2 for sunday.'
'And what are the packs of 12 for?'
'The packs of 12, my son, are for married men like me. One for January, one for February, one for March...'


Don't have sex on January 1st

It's only the first date!


Obama's no longer President

January 21,2017 an old man walks up to White House gate and tells security guard: "I want to see President Obama."
Very patiently the guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 22 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama."
Same guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 23 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama."
Angrily the guard says: "I told you the last two days that he's not President anymore."
The old man turns away and quietly says: "I just like hearing you say it."


Finally got round to booking my laser eye surgery for the 1st January

Can't wait to have 2020 vision.


I just told my wife I am going dry for January

I really can't be bothered with foreplay.


Kid asks is paw why do these condoms come in 3 packs?

Father: Those are for highschool boys son. One for Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Son: Then what is this 6 pack for?

Father: Those are for college men! 2 for Friday 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday!

Son: WOW!! And the 12 pack of condoms?

Father: Sigh.... Those are for married men. One for January.... One for February..... One for...


A Jumper

On January 9 a group of Pekin IL , bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.

The Harley leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl".

The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!


Originally, International Women's Day was celebrated on the 8 of January.

However, because they had to get ready, it has since been postponed to 8 March.


"The dangers of smoking"

A man is standing outside in the "smoking zone" of an airport on a freezing cold January morning, smoking one last cigarette before his 16 hour, non-stop flight to Hong Kong for a business trip.

Another man walks up to him and says "do you have any idea how bad that is for you? Don't you know that the mortality rate of smokers is 3 times as high as non-smokers?"

The smoker looks at him and says "Ya, well my grandfather father lived to be 105."

The other man opens his eyes wide in astonishment. He asks in disbelief: "your grandfather really lived to be 105? And he was a smoker??"

The smoker blows the last puff in the guys face, "no, he just minded his own fucking business"


The date is 20 January 2017.

The date is 20 January 2017. Donald Trump has just been sworn in as President. He walks to the mic for his inauguration speech. He looks at Obama and says "You're Fired"


A boy and his father are in the store

When they come across the section where the condoms are kept. The boy looks at them and asks his dad why they come in packs of 3, 6, and 12.

The father replies: "Well son the 3 pack is for the highschool kids, one for Friday, one for saturday, and one for Sunday. The 6 pack is for the college kids. Same principle, but 2 for friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for sunday."

"What about the 12 pack?" asked the son.

"Those are for the married men" said the dad proudly.

"Really?" asked the son.

"Yes indeed," said the father. "One for January, one for February, one for March........."


On January 1st I joked to my wife we haven't had sex all year.

Just like last year.


Why did the mathematician celebrate 4/20 on January 5?

Because he knows how to reduce fractions.


Obama's announcement

Today, President Obama announced that, after January 20th, the official title of "U.S. Government" will be changed to include quotation marks around Government.


Dry January is going really well.

Even if everyone keeps saying that I need to shower.


One cold January morning

On a cold January morning a funeral was being held for a man who passed away. After the service the pal barers are caring the coffin out of the church. As they walk down the steps one man slips and loses his grip on the casket causing the others to lose their grips. The coffin goes sliding down then steps, into the road and down a hill. At the bottom of the hill it crashes through the front window of a local pharmacy and goes crashing through the whole store and slams into the counter in the back. As soon as it hits the coffin opens and the dead guy sits up. The Pharmacist asks How can i help you? The dead guy says Ya you got anything to stop this coffin?


Im getting sick of destroy dick december..

Still waiting for jerk-off january and fap febuary


Can January March?

No, but April May


What are the most funny January jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about January? Well, here are the best January dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and January pick up lines to share with friends.

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