january Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious january puns

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

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I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said 1 dollar for dirty joke.

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: Alright sir whats your name?

Me: John

Homeless man: So Johnny, there is black rooster alright?

How many legs does that chicken have.

Me: Two?

Homeless man: Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?

Me: Two?
Homeless man: Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?

Me: Two?

Homeless man: Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?

Me: I don't know? A lot?

Homeless man: Well Johnny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.

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On January 1st I joked to my girlfriend we haven't had sex all year.

It's getting less funnier each day I tell her.

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I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th...

Because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons.

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I don't care if Caitlin Jenner identifies as a woman,

but April identifying as January is crossing the line.

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A man is at the supermarket with his 7 year old son when they walk past the condoms

The boy asks: 'Daddy, what are those?', to which the man replies 'Those are condoms son'. 'What are they for?', asks the boy. His dad replies 'To, ehhm ah eh, protect you from diseases'.
'Why do they sell them in packs of 3, 6 and 12?'.
'Well, the packs of 3 are for 16 year olds. One for friday, one for saturday, and one for sunday.'
'And the packs of 6?'
'Those are for 21 year olds. 2 for friday, 2 for saturday and 2 for sunday.'
'And what are the packs of 12 for?'
'The packs of 12, my son, are for married men like me. One for January, one for February, one for March...'

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As of the 25th of January, viagra is going to be sold by its chemical name.

Ask your pharmacist for mycoxaflopin.

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You shouldn't kiss someone on January 1st

It's the first date

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"The dangers of smoking"

A man is standing outside in the "smoking zone" of an airport on a freezing cold January morning, smoking one last cigarette before his 16 hour, non-stop flight to Hong Kong for a business trip.

Another man walks up to him and says "do you have any idea how bad that is for you? Don't you know that the mortality rate of smokers is 3 times as high as non-smokers?"

The smoker looks at him and says "Ya, well my grandfather father lived to be 105."

The other man opens his eyes wide in astonishment. He asks in disbelief: "your grandfather really lived to be 105? And he was a smoker??"

The smoker blows the last puff in the guys face, "no, he just minded his own fucking business"

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How many seconds are there in one year?

12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

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Father and son in supermarket. "Dad, what are these?"

"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."

"What about the 6pack dad?"

"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."

"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"

"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."

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Do you know who Russia's 3 greatest generals are?

December, January, and February.

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New Years resolution

Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year's Resolution

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There's a special running course around the White House.

Every president does this before they leave office, and records their times in a special book dating back to the early 19th century. Obama recently completed it, knowing he had to get it done before January. He did 9:25 and was quite pleased with it. He wondered if he had set the record, but then he found out that Bush did 9:11.

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COUNTING CONDOMS

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

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The date is January 31, 1990, and the Soviet Union has opened its first McDonalds...

A KGB agent walks up to the front and asks, One vodka, please.

The woman at the register looks and says, Comrade, this is a McDonalds. We don't serve vodka.

The KGB agent looks surprised and says, Excuse me, comrade. One *McVodka*, please.

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Two Unix experts are talking about their age...

- What is your date of birth?
- 0
- Ohh, nice I was born in January too.

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Joke from WWII: The USSR's three greatest generals.

What're the names of the USSR's three greatest generals? December, January, and February!

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My grandfather was arrested numerous times for selling a phony life lengthening drug...

Once in 1888, again in 1922, a third time in 1954, and another time in January 2018

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Finally got round to booking my laser eye surgery for the 1st January

Can't wait to have 2020 vision.

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Don't have sex on January 1st

It's only the first date!

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Obama's no longer President

January 21,2017 an old man walks up to White House gate and tells security guard: "I want to see President Obama."
Very patiently the guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 22 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama."
Same guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 23 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama."
Angrily the guard says: "I told you the last two days that he's not President anymore."
The old man turns away and quietly says: "I just like hearing you say it."

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I just told my wife I am going dry for January

I really can't be bothered with foreplay.

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I celebrated 4/20 on January 5th.

I know how to reduce fractions.

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Kid asks is paw why do these condoms come in 3 packs?

Father: Those are for highschool boys son. One for Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Son: Then what is this 6 pack for?

Father: Those are for college men! 2 for Friday 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday!

Son: WOW!! And the 12 pack of condoms?

Father: Sigh.... Those are for married men. One for January.... One for February..... One for...

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A Jumper

On January 9 a group of Pekin IL , bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.

The Harley leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl".

The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!

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Originally, International Women's Day was celebrated on the 8 of January.

However, because they had to get ready, it has since been postponed to 8 March.

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The date is 20 January 2017.

The date is 20 January 2017. Donald Trump has just been sworn in as President. He walks to the mic for his inauguration speech. He looks at Obama and says "You're Fired"

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A boy and his father are in the store

When they come across the section where the condoms are kept. The boy looks at them and asks his dad why they come in packs of 3, 6, and 12.

The father replies: "Well son the 3 pack is for the highschool kids, one for Friday, one for saturday, and one for Sunday. The 6 pack is for the college kids. Same principle, but 2 for friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for sunday."

"What about the 12 pack?" asked the son.

"Those are for the married men" said the dad proudly.

"Really?" asked the son.

"Yes indeed," said the father. "One for January, one for February, one for March........."

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On January 1st I joked to my wife we haven't had sex all year.

Just like last year.

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Obama's announcement

Today, President Obama announced that, after January 20th, the official title of "U.S. Government" will be changed to include quotation marks around Government.

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Why did the mathematician celebrate 4/20 on January 5?

Because he knows how to reduce fractions.

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Dry January is going really well.

Even if everyone keeps saying that I need to shower.

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One cold January morning

On a cold January morning a funeral was being held for a man who passed away. After the service the pal barers are caring the coffin out of the church. As they walk down the steps one man slips and loses his grip on the casket causing the others to lose their grips. The coffin goes sliding down then steps, into the road and down a hill. At the bottom of the hill it crashes through the front window of a local pharmacy and goes crashing through the whole store and slams into the counter in the back. As soon as it hits the coffin opens and the dead guy sits up. The Pharmacist asks How can i help you? The dead guy says Ya you got anything to stop this coffin?

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Im getting sick of destroy dick december..

Still waiting for jerk-off january and fap febuary

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January 4th is the commemoration of Schrodinger's death...

But since he's is in a box, we are not sure.

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Can January March?

No, but April May

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You shouldn't kiss on January 1st.

Coz it's only the first date

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Pokemon go in January is the worst

Everyone is joining all the gyms

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January 20, 2017

The day America expires.

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When will mark zuckerberg die?

January 19 2038 of course

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Why do Russians celebrate Christmas on the 7th of January?

Cause eight reindeer and a sleigh are a lot quicker than 6 pigs and a stoneboat.

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I dint fuck anyone on January 1st.

Because it was the first date.

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The March for Life is all fine and well.....

But why are we forgetting the January and February for Life?

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When does the narwhal bacon?

Not on January 18th.

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You shouldn't have sex with anyone on January 1st.

Because it's the first date.

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I don't think I was concentrating properly when midnight struck on January 1st 2000.

It just went in one era and out the other.

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You know what the greatest thing about January 20th 2017 12:01 AM?

That is when its going to be the darkest before the Donald

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Who's the wost president ever?

Guess we'll find out in January.

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My sister is a mathematician...

She celebrates 4/20 on January fifth because it's just simpler that way.

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So I saw an internet survey the other day...

and apparently 99.87% of the population was born on the 1st of January! How very strange!

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January 20, 2017; 12:02 p.m.

I felt a great disturbance in the force, as if millions of voices cried out in terror and suddenly silenced!........oh wait, never mind. It was just the inauguration

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January is national stalking awareness month...

That crept up on my fast

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This Date in History: January 28, 1521. The Diet of Worms begins

and lasts until people get tired of eating worms.

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No one talked about it but the threat level was raised on January 20th, 2017

They raised it to orange.

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What did the psychologist say to his client after diagnosing him with a phobia on January 1?

Happy new fear.

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My overweight friend's 2017 resolution was to join a gym and lose weight. We're three weeks into January and he's already quit. I asked him, "What happened??"

"Just didn't work out."

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As it's January 1st, I've decided on two New Year's Resolutions: To stop smoking, and to stop masturbating.

I've gone down from 20 a day to 15 a day, but the smoking is proving much harder to quit.

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You shouldn't kiss anyone on January 1st

It's only the first date.

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My grandma is going celebrate her last Christmas as a kid.

...According to Nat King Cole at least, she turns 93 in January.

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i told my friends "I haven't had a shower since last year!

Then they said "wtf its 22nd of January"

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Today would have been my moms 50th birthday...

but she was born in January.

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What did people say in January, to celebrate Van Gogh's new prosthetic?

Happy New Ear!

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It must be pretty funny to work at a gym in January.

You get to count how many people buy yearly memberships and instantly break their New Years resolutions in the following weeks.

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Why was the Orange One so excited on January 7th?

He could finally (truthfully) say to Obama, "Mine is longer than yours!!"

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2019 officially starts in february, for me

January is just a trial period...

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On the 11th of January 2000 my brother was born! Happy 20th birthday bro! :)

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Holocaust 2: The orange killer

In theatres january 20

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Melania's speech writer is going to be out of a job soon

because she will be moving out of The White House in January.

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Don't kiss anyone on January 1st.

It's only the first date.

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What is the most popular birthday based on Internet records?

January 1st, 1993

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A guy comes to a sex shop...

"Can I please take a look at that pink blow up doll...what's the manufacturing date on there?"
"January, 2011"
"Sagittarius..nah fuck that"

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Happy 47th birthday, teens logging into adults-only websites!

And the same to anyone else whose birthday actually *is* January 1st, 1969.

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I haven't had anything to eat all year.

It's 12:01 January 1st where I am

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January 1, 1990

Go change it.

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Why shouldn't you kiss someone on January first?

Because its the first date

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Why shouldn't you kiss someone on January 1st?

because its the first date

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[OC] What do you call authentic Italian wine harvested in January?

Genu[w]ine.

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Hey why are they calling it a women's March?

It's still January!

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After January

Question: Can February March?

Answer: No, but April May.

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January 1st I had sex with a black guy.

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What happened January 14, 1943?

The Germans celebrated and Jew be late

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What historical precedent should we be very worried about next January 20th?

Precedent Trump

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January 2190

When was the time machine created?

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What will the Soviets do on January 1st, 2019?

They'll make a new year's revolution.

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On January 1, 2019, New Horizons will fly by a small, frozen world in the Kuiper Belt called Imndan, which orbits a billion miles beyond Pluto.

This small frozen world is a stereotypical red dot.

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When it gets to January, I'm going to overthrow the Government!

It'll be my new year's Revolution

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Can January February?

No but March April.

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On January 1st, I'm only going to watch videos on 1080p.

It's my New Year's resolution.

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Everyone else saying "haven't seen you since last year" on January 1st

Meanwhile i say "see you next year" on January 1st and proceed to hide in my room

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How are big chungus memes and the queen similar?

They'll be dead by January 5th

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Starting January 1st McDonald's will not be making fries any longer

They are already long enough

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Me on January 1, Year 20XX

12.00 AM: My resolution this year is to try and not fuck up at all.

12.03 AM: Shit.

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Senseless Joke

If a dog crashes a double decker bus in the middle of january was the holocaust a hoax?

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I can't believe it! 364 days to January 1...

Yet everyone is celebrating already!

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I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.

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I've done a lot of stupid stuff in my life,

but at least I've never signed up at the gym in January.

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It's only January 1st, but I already know what I'm doing next year.

I have 2020 vision.

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I Haven't Had Sex This Year

~~Or ever~~ Because it's January 1st hahaha

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What do cows say on January 1st?

Happy moo year!

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I got a new ultra high definition monitor on January 1st.

My New Year's resolution is 4K.

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What are the best January puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about January? Well, here are the best jokes about January to have fun with.

Joko Jokes