It's my new year's resolution.
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: Alright sir whats your name?
Me: John
Homeless man: So Johnny, there is black rooster alright?
How many legs does that chicken have.
Me: Two?
Homeless man: Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?
Me: Two?
Homeless man: Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?
Me: Two?
Homeless man: Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?
Me: I don't know? A lot?
Homeless man: Well Johnny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.
It's getting less funnier each day I tell her.
Because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons.
but April identifying as January is crossing the line.
The boy asks: 'Daddy, what are those?', to which the man replies 'Those are condoms son'. 'What are they for?', asks the boy. His dad replies 'To, ehhm ah eh, protect you from diseases'.
'Why do they sell them in packs of 3, 6 and 12?'.
'Well, the packs of 3 are for 16 year olds. One for friday, one for saturday, and one for sunday.'
'And the packs of 6?'
'Those are for 21 year olds. 2 for friday, 2 for saturday and 2 for sunday.'
'And what are the packs of 12 for?'
'The packs of 12, my son, are for married men like me. One for January, one for February, one for March...'
Ask your pharmacist for mycoxaflopin.
It's the first date
A man is standing outside in the "smoking zone" of an airport on a freezing cold January morning, smoking one last cigarette before his 16 hour, non-stop flight to Hong Kong for a business trip.
Another man walks up to him and says "do you have any idea how bad that is for you? Don't you know that the mortality rate of smokers is 3 times as high as non-smokers?"
The smoker looks at him and says "Ya, well my grandfather father lived to be 105."
The other man opens his eyes wide in astonishment. He asks in disbelief: "your grandfather really lived to be 105? And he was a smoker??"
The smoker blows the last puff in the guys face, "no, he just minded his own fucking business"
12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.
"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."
"What about the 6pack dad?"
"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."
"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"
"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."
December, January, and February.
Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year's Resolution
Every president does this before they leave office, and records their times in a special book dating back to the early 19th century. Obama recently completed it, knowing he had to get it done before January. He did 9:25 and was quite pleased with it. He wondered if he had set the record, but then he found out that Bush did 9:11.
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."
A KGB agent walks up to the front and asks, One vodka, please.
The woman at the register looks and says, Comrade, this is a McDonalds. We don't serve vodka.
The KGB agent looks surprised and says, Excuse me, comrade. One *McVodka*, please.
- What is your date of birth?
- 0
- Ohh, nice I was born in January too.
What're the names of the USSR's three greatest generals? December, January, and February!
Once in 1888, again in 1922, a third time in 1954, and another time in January 2018
Can't wait to have 2020 vision.
It's only the first date!
January 21,2017 an old man walks up to White House gate and tells security guard: "I want to see President Obama."
Very patiently the guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 22 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama."
Same guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 23 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama."
Angrily the guard says: "I told you the last two days that he's not President anymore."
The old man turns away and quietly says: "I just like hearing you say it."
I really can't be bothered with foreplay.
I know how to reduce fractions.
Father: Those are for highschool boys son. One for Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
Son: Then what is this 6 pack for?
Father: Those are for college men! 2 for Friday 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday!
Son: WOW!! And the 12 pack of condoms?
Father: Sigh.... Those are for married men. One for January.... One for February..... One for...
On January 9 a group of Pekin IL , bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.
The Harley leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl".
The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!
However, because they had to get ready, it has since been postponed to 8 March.
The date is 20 January 2017. Donald Trump has just been sworn in as President. He walks to the mic for his inauguration speech. He looks at Obama and says "You're Fired"
When they come across the section where the condoms are kept. The boy looks at them and asks his dad why they come in packs of 3, 6, and 12.
The father replies: "Well son the 3 pack is for the highschool kids, one for Friday, one for saturday, and one for Sunday. The 6 pack is for the college kids. Same principle, but 2 for friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for sunday."
"What about the 12 pack?" asked the son.
"Those are for the married men" said the dad proudly.
"Really?" asked the son.
"Yes indeed," said the father. "One for January, one for February, one for March........."
Just like last year.
Today, President Obama announced that, after January 20th, the official title of "U.S. Government" will be changed to include quotation marks around Government.
Because he knows how to reduce fractions.
Even if everyone keeps saying that I need to shower.
On a cold January morning a funeral was being held for a man who passed away. After the service the pal barers are caring the coffin out of the church. As they walk down the steps one man slips and loses his grip on the casket causing the others to lose their grips. The coffin goes sliding down then steps, into the road and down a hill. At the bottom of the hill it crashes through the front window of a local pharmacy and goes crashing through the whole store and slams into the counter in the back. As soon as it hits the coffin opens and the dead guy sits up. The Pharmacist asks How can i help you? The dead guy says Ya you got anything to stop this coffin?
Still waiting for jerk-off january and fap febuary
But since he's is in a box, we are not sure.
No, but April May
Coz it's only the first date
Everyone is joining all the gyms
The day America expires.
January 19 2038 of course
Cause eight reindeer and a sleigh are a lot quicker than 6 pigs and a stoneboat.
Because it was the first date.
But why are we forgetting the January and February for Life?
Not on January 18th.
Because it's the first date.
It just went in one era and out the other.
That is when its going to be the darkest before the Donald
Guess we'll find out in January.
She celebrates 4/20 on January fifth because it's just simpler that way.
and apparently 99.87% of the population was born on the 1st of January! How very strange!
I felt a great disturbance in the force, as if millions of voices cried out in terror and suddenly silenced!........oh wait, never mind. It was just the inauguration
That crept up on my fast
and lasts until people get tired of eating worms.
They raised it to orange.
Happy new fear.
"Just didn't work out."
I've gone down from 20 a day to 15 a day, but the smoking is proving much harder to quit.
It's only the first date.
...According to Nat King Cole at least, she turns 93 in January.
Then they said "wtf its 22nd of January"
but she was born in January.
Happy New Ear!
You get to count how many people buy yearly memberships and instantly break their New Years resolutions in the following weeks.
He could finally (truthfully) say to Obama, "Mine is longer than yours!!"
January is just a trial period...
In theatres january 20
because she will be moving out of The White House in January.
It's only the first date.
January 1st, 1993
"Can I please take a look at that pink blow up doll...what's the manufacturing date on there?"
"January, 2011"
"Sagittarius..nah fuck that"
And the same to anyone else whose birthday actually *is* January 1st, 1969.
It's 12:01 January 1st where I am
Go change it.
Because its the first date
because its the first date
Genu[w]ine.
It's still January!
Question: Can February March?
Answer: No, but April May.
The Germans celebrated and Jew be late
Precedent Trump
When was the time machine created?
They'll make a new year's revolution.
This small frozen world is a stereotypical red dot.
It'll be my new year's Revolution
No but March April.
It's my New Year's resolution.
Meanwhile i say "see you next year" on January 1st and proceed to hide in my room
They'll be dead by January 5th
They are already long enough
12.00 AM: My resolution this year is to try and not fuck up at all.
12.03 AM: Shit.
If a dog crashes a double decker bus in the middle of january was the holocaust a hoax?
Yet everyone is celebrating already!
but at least I've never signed up at the gym in January.
I have 2020 vision.
~~Or ever~~ Because it's January 1st hahaha
Happy moo year!
My New Year's resolution is 4K.
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about January? Well, here are the best jokes about January to have fun with.