It's my new year's resolution.
It's getting less funnier each day I tell her.
Because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons.
but April identifying as January is crossing the line.
Ask your pharmacist for mycoxaflopin.
It's the first date
12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.
"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."
"What about the 6pack dad?"
"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."
"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"
"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."
December, January, and February.
Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year's Resolution
Every president does this before they leave office, and records their times in a special book dating back to the early 19th century. Obama recently completed it, knowing he had to get it done before January. He did 9:25 and was quite pleased with it. He wondered if he had set the record, but then he found out that Bush did 9:11.
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."
A KGB agent walks up to the front and asks, One vodka, please.
The woman at the register looks and says, Comrade, this is a McDonalds. We don't serve vodka.
The KGB agent looks surprised and says, Excuse me, comrade. One *McVodka*, please.
- What is your date of birth?
- 0
- Ohh, nice I was born in January too.
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: Alright sir whats your name?
Me: John
Homeless man: So Johnny, there is black rooster alright?
How many legs does that chicken have.
Me: Two?
Homeless man: Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?
Me: Two?
Homeless man: Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?
Me: Two?
Homeless man: Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?
Me: I don't know? A lot?
Homeless man: Well Johnny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.
What're the names of the USSR's three greatest generals? December, January, and February!
Once in 1888, again in 1922, a third time in 1954, and another time in January 2018
The boy asks: 'Daddy, what are those?', to which the man replies 'Those are condoms son'. 'What are they for?', asks the boy. His dad replies 'To, ehhm ah eh, protect you from diseases'.
'Why do they sell them in packs of 3, 6 and 12?'.
'Well, the packs of 3 are for 16 year olds. One for friday, one for saturday, and one for sunday.'
'And the packs of 6?'
'Those are for 21 year olds. 2 for friday, 2 for saturday and 2 for sunday.'
'And what are the packs of 12 for?'
'The packs of 12, my son, are for married men like me. One for January, one for February, one for March...'
It's only the first date!
January 21,2017 an old man walks up to White House gate and tells security guard: "I want to see President Obama."
Very patiently the guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 22 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama."
Same guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 23 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama."
Angrily the guard says: "I told you the last two days that he's not President anymore."
The old man turns away and quietly says: "I just like hearing you say it."
Can't wait to have 2020 vision.
I really can't be bothered with foreplay.
Father: Those are for highschool boys son. One for Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
Son: Then what is this 6 pack for?
Father: Those are for college men! 2 for Friday 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday!
Son: WOW!! And the 12 pack of condoms?
Father: Sigh.... Those are for married men. One for January.... One for February..... One for...
On January 9 a group of Pekin IL , bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.
The Harley leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl".
The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!
However, because they had to get ready, it has since been postponed to 8 March.
A man is standing outside in the "smoking zone" of an airport on a freezing cold January morning, smoking one last cigarette before his 16 hour, non-stop flight to Hong Kong for a business trip.
Another man walks up to him and says "do you have any idea how bad that is for you? Don't you know that the mortality rate of smokers is 3 times as high as non-smokers?"
The smoker looks at him and says "Ya, well my grandfather father lived to be 105."
The other man opens his eyes wide in astonishment. He asks in disbelief: "your grandfather really lived to be 105? And he was a smoker??"
The smoker blows the last puff in the guys face, "no, he just minded his own fucking business"
The date is 20 January 2017. Donald Trump has just been sworn in as President. He walks to the mic for his inauguration speech. He looks at Obama and says "You're Fired"
When they come across the section where the condoms are kept. The boy looks at them and asks his dad why they come in packs of 3, 6, and 12.
The father replies: "Well son the 3 pack is for the highschool kids, one for Friday, one for saturday, and one for Sunday. The 6 pack is for the college kids. Same principle, but 2 for friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for sunday."
"What about the 12 pack?" asked the son.
"Those are for the married men" said the dad proudly.
"Really?" asked the son.
"Yes indeed," said the father. "One for January, one for February, one for March........."
Just like last year.
Because he knows how to reduce fractions.
Today, President Obama announced that, after January 20th, the official title of "U.S. Government" will be changed to include quotation marks around Government.
Even if everyone keeps saying that I need to shower.
On a cold January morning a funeral was being held for a man who passed away. After the service the pal barers are caring the coffin out of the church. As they walk down the steps one man slips and loses his grip on the casket causing the others to lose their grips. The coffin goes sliding down then steps, into the road and down a hill. At the bottom of the hill it crashes through the front window of a local pharmacy and goes crashing through the whole store and slams into the counter in the back. As soon as it hits the coffin opens and the dead guy sits up. The Pharmacist asks How can i help you? The dead guy says Ya you got anything to stop this coffin?
Still waiting for jerk-off january and fap febuary
No, but April May
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about January? Well, here are the best January dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and January pick up lines to share with friends.