james Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious james puns

Why can't Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

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Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven

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007 recieves a new mission... to infiltrate a party and mingle.

His orders are to, "bond James, bond".

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BOSS: What's going on here?

BOSS: What's going on here?

JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-

DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!

JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

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James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

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"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?

"Bond Name's the james"

Are you alright?

"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

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What does Lebron James do after winning the NBA
Championship?

He turns off his Xbox.

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James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "

"Do you expect me to talk? "

"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "

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I go to the gym so infrequently

I still call it James

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"What do you dream of doing, kids?" Asked the teacher...

Jimmy: "I want to be a pilot"

Amber: "I want to be a teacher"

Stacy: "I want to be a good mother"

James: "I want to help Stacy to be a mother"

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Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

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Why did LeBron James skip college?

He didn't want to show up for finals.

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James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar.

Michael J. Fox is the bartender.

James Bond says "I'll have a martini."

He does not need to specify.

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John: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend Mike."

James: "Since when is Mike your best friend?"

John: "Since yesterday."

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I went to a posh school.

In fact it was so posh, their gym was called James.

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A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!

Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.

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Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.

"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.

"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.

"Shaken, not stirred."

"Oh, thank God."

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A teacher receives a phone call shortly before the school day starts

Caller: Mr. Brown, my son James will not come to school today because he is sick.

Teacher: Who am I speaking to please?

Caller: I am my father.

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WAS BARRY WHITE ? WAS CILLA BLACK ? WAS JAMES BROWN ?

SURE MAKES STEVIE WONDER

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What's the difference between Lebron James and a dollar (USD)...

A dollar gives you four quarters :-)

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What do you call James Bond in the bathtub?

Bubble-0-7

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Why didn't LeBron James go to college?

Because he struggles with finals

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Positive...

James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:

" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"

" -Terrible."

" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"

" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."

" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"

" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."

" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"

" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."

" -Oh thank God! How is she?"

" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."

" -Well, at least you got the company."

" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."

" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"

" -Yeah, HIV."

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Little Johnny knows his pills.

Miss Paula is going around the classroom asking if the students know what pills take for what ails them.

- Little Suzie, what do you take if you have a headache?

Well, miss Paula, my mommy gives me Tylenol when I have a headache.

- Good answer. James, what do you take if you have allergies?

If I take Allegra, I stop sneezing, so that's what dad gives me.

- Little Johnny, what do you take if you have diarrhea?

Viagra.

- Viagra? Why would you ever take that medicine if you have diarrhea?

Because whenever my dad takes it he says ... It's gonna make my SHIT HARD!

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Why did LeBron James choose to not go to college?

Because he struggles with finals.

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How does the modern-day James Bond prefer his women?

Shaven, not furred

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You're so unfamiliar with the gym...

You call it James

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Bob, John, Fred and James were golfing....

They're on the 13th fairway and Fred is about to take his approach shot when a funeral procession turns the corner and proceeds down the road parallel to the fairway. Fred lays his club down and takes his hat off and holds it over his heart. He stays like this until the hearse at the end of the procession is out of sight. The other guys look on in awe stuned at Fred's act. James finally says: "Fred, that was very touching of you to honor the dead in such a fashion." Fred replies: "Yep, we would have been married 22 years next month."

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Yo momma is so unfamiliar with the gym...

...she calls it James

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A rite of passage

Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the condom breaks. They are both scared but after a couple weeks and no sign of pregnancy, they go back to their normal lives, and James goes back to worrying about parenthood. After returning home from work one night, James finds a tearful Sasha on the front doorstep. He sits next to her to ask what's wrong. 'Honey...' She replies. 'I'm pregnant.' James wipes a tear from his eye, and smiles proudly. 'Hello pregnant. I'm dad.'

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Viagra, it won't make you James Bond...

But it will make you Roger Moore.

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When I want to exercise, I wear my gym clothes...

...but when I want to wear something more formal, I wear my James clothes.

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Which car will you get in heaven?

Three guys are standing in heaven, their names are Greg, James, and Tony. They are at a car dealership, and an angel asks them "were you faithful to your wives?" Greg answers "yes, I never cheated on my wife." He is given a new Lamborghini. The angel then asks James if he ever cheated on his wife. He says "once, and I am ashamed to admit it." He is given a Toyota Corolla. The angel then asks Tony, and he says "yes, lots of times." He is given an old Morris Marina.

A few days later, Tony sees Greg sitting on a park bench, and Greg is crying. Tony Asks Greg "you were given a Lamborghini the other day, why are you crying?" Greg responds "I just saw my wife, they gave her a pair of roller skates."

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A teacher asked her students a question

"Stand up if you think you're stupid."
The room was quiet for a bit, then one boy stood up.
"Do you think your stupid, James?", asked the teacher.
"No," replied James.
"Why did you stand up then?" asked the teacher.
"I didn't want you to be standing alone."

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James Thurber's crossword puzzle.

Laid up in the hospital, James Thurber passed the time doing crossword puzzles.

One day he asked a nurse, What seven-letter word has three u's in it?

She said, I don't know, but it must be unusual.

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What are the most funny James jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about James? Well, here are the best James dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and James pick up lines to share with friends.

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