James Jokes

What are some James jokes?

Why can't Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven

007 recieves a new mission... to infiltrate a party and mingle.

His orders are to, "bond James, bond".

BOSS: What's going on here?

BOSS: What's going on here?

JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-

DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!

JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?

"Bond Name's the james"

Are you alright?

"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

What does Lebron James do after winning the NBA
Championship?

He turns off his Xbox.

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "

"Do you expect me to talk? "

"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "

I go to the gym so infrequently

I still call it James

"What do you dream of doing, kids?" Asked the teacher...

Jimmy: "I want to be a pilot"

Amber: "I want to be a teacher"

Stacy: "I want to be a good mother"

James: "I want to help Stacy to be a mother"

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

Why did LeBron James skip college?

He didn't want to show up for finals.

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar.

Michael J. Fox is the bartender.

James Bond says "I'll have a martini."

He does not need to specify.

John: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend Mike."

James: "Since when is Mike your best friend?"

John: "Since yesterday."

I went to a posh school.

In fact it was so posh, their gym was called James.

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!

Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.

"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.

"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.

"Shaken, not stirred."

"Oh, thank God."

A teacher receives a phone call shortly before the school day starts

Caller: Mr. Brown, my son James will not come to school today because he is sick.

Teacher: Who am I speaking to please?

Caller: I am my father.

WAS BARRY WHITE ? WAS CILLA BLACK ? WAS JAMES BROWN ?

SURE MAKES STEVIE WONDER

What's the difference between Lebron James and a dollar (USD)...

A dollar gives you four quarters :-)

What do you call James Bond in the bathtub?

Bubble-0-7

Positive...

James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:

" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"

" -Terrible."

" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"

" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."

" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"

" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."

" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"

" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."

" -Oh thank God! How is she?"

" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."

" -Well, at least you got the company."

" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."

" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"

" -Yeah, HIV."

Why didn't LeBron James go to college?

Because he struggles with finals

How does the modern-day James Bond prefer his women?

Shaven, not furred

You're so unfamiliar with the gym...

You call it James

Bob, John, Fred and James were golfing....

They're on the 13th fairway and Fred is about to take his approach shot when a funeral procession turns the corner and proceeds down the road parallel to the fairway. Fred lays his club down and takes his hat off and holds it over his heart. He stays like this until the hearse at the end of the procession is out of sight. The other guys look on in awe stuned at Fred's act. James finally says: "Fred, that was very touching of you to honor the dead in such a fashion." Fred replies: "Yep, we would have been married 22 years next month."

Yo momma is so unfamiliar with the gym...

...she calls it James

A rite of passage

Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the condom breaks. They are both scared but after a couple weeks and no sign of pregnancy, they go back to their normal lives, and James goes back to worrying about parenthood. After returning home from work one night, James finds a tearful Sasha on the front doorstep. He sits next to her to ask what's wrong. 'Honey...' She replies. 'I'm pregnant.' James wipes a tear from his eye, and smiles proudly. 'Hello pregnant. I'm dad.'

When I want to exercise, I wear my gym clothes...

...but when I want to wear something more formal, I wear my James clothes.

Which car will you get in heaven?

Three guys are standing in heaven, their names are Greg, James, and Tony. They are at a car dealership, and an angel asks them "were you faithful to your wives?" Greg answers "yes, I never cheated on my wife." He is given a new Lamborghini. The angel then asks James if he ever cheated on his wife. He says "once, and I am ashamed to admit it." He is given a Toyota Corolla. The angel then asks Tony, and he says "yes, lots of times." He is given an old Morris Marina.

A few days later, Tony sees Greg sitting on a park bench, and Greg is crying. Tony Asks Greg "you were given a Lamborghini the other day, why are you crying?" Greg responds "I just saw my wife, they gave her a pair of roller skates."

A teacher asked her students a question

"Stand up if you think you're stupid."
The room was quiet for a bit, then one boy stood up.
"Do you think your stupid, James?", asked the teacher.
"No," replied James.
"Why did you stand up then?" asked the teacher.
"I didn't want you to be standing alone."

James Thurber's crossword puzzle.

Laid up in the hospital, James Thurber passed the time doing crossword puzzles.

One day he asked a nurse, What seven-letter word has three u's in it?

She said, I don't know, but it must be unusual.

My science teacher told us this

James Bond says to a chicken, "I'm Bond, James Bond." The chicken turns and says, "Well I'm Ken, Chic-ken."

I'll see myself out...

Jeremy Clarkson decided not to stay with Top Gear, but James May

The beard (no, not that, an actual beard)

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would hate me."

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again.

"Oh really, I can't," he replies. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle...

why wasn't he James Stock?

-Caroline

Few people know, that James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014

But he was exposed as a double agent.

Kirk breaks his arm and goes to see Doctor McCoy.

McCoy starts to snigger and says, "Well James, you may not be laughing on the outside, but on the inside you're cracking up!"

"Funny, Bones", replies Kirk with a smirk.

"Actually James", says McCoy, checking Kirk's arm, "your humerus!"

James Gunn has been brought back as the director of Guardians Of The Galaxy 3

I guess you can unfire a Gunn.

Why should you never loan LeBron James a dollar?

He will give you back 75 cents and say he wasn't sure about what happened to the fourth quarter.

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

James Bond gets called into M's office

M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.

Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!

M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.

Why does 007 try to form so many relationships with women?

He was told to, "bond James, bond!"

Bill Russell tried to sell a championship ring to LeBron James for $1......

...... but LeBron only has 3 quarters.

Read online on a comment. LOL

Wife vs. Girlfriend vs. beard

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard.

Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.

James replied, My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!

Oh please? the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…

Oh really, I can't, he replied. My wife loves this beard!!

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife was awakened somewhat, felt his face and replied, Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!

You're in the Army Now

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a South Alabama man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Who is James Bond's favorite bartender?

Michael J Fox

Why does LeBron James wear high socks?

His Cavs can't handle the Heat

Why does Lebron James drive automatic?

He has no clutch.

Why did James Comey refuse to indict Hillary Clinton?

Because he found his suicide note in her Wikileaks emails.

A rite of passage. [Dadjoke alert]

Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the condom breaks. They are both scared but after a couple weeks and no sign of pregnancy, they go back to their normal lives, and James goes back to worrying about parenthood. After returning home from work one night, James finds a tearful Sasha on the front doorstep. He sits next to her to ask what's wrong. 'Honey...' She replies. 'I'm pregnant.' James wipes a tear from his eye, and smiles proudly. 'Hello pregnant. I'm dad.'

A teacher asked her third grade class to

name things that ended with tor that eat things.
The first little boy said, Alligator.
Very good James, that's a big word.
The second boy said, Predator.
Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done.
Little Johnny says, Vibrator.
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything.
Well my mother has one and she says it eats frickin' batteries like there's no tomorrow!

Lebron James is going to be in Space Jam 2

It's going to be really weird when Lebron quits the Tune Squad and joins up with the Monstars midway through the movie

James Franco responds to claims of sexual misconduct.

I did not touch them! It's not true! It's bullshit! I did not touch them! I did naaaht.

Oh hi Mark.

SPY FACT:

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07

James Bond.

Do you think when he is out of the UK he is known as +44 007?

What do James Cameron and M. Night Shamylan have in common?

Icy dead people.

James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.

The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"

Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

A newly appointed priest is speaking to his congregation for the first time...

He tells them "welcome to St James church, where you can be rest assured that we will not touch your children". He delivers a stunning message but chimes in that he "will not touch your children" every five minutes. As he is meeting and greeting, every five minutes he mentions "I won't touch the children".

He has dinner with some of the families. During the meal he continues to remind them how he won't touch their kids. One of the mothers finally speaks up "Father, you are a man of the Lord. We trust you and know that you will not touch our children. There is no reason to keep stating it so often."

"I know right!" he replies, "I told that to the judge at my parole sentencing but he's *still* making me do this!"

Did you hear about how James Bond slept through an earthquake?

He was shaken, not stirred.

My friend James is like a toilet seat...

...constantly being put down by women.

Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.

Respect

I'm inventing a glue and calling it James Bond...

It's a chemical agent.

What is James Bonds code name when he is abroad?

+4407

Why can't Lebron James walk on his tippy-toes?

Because his Cavs don't help him out much

High school dance.

My friend James only has one eye and was embarrassed to ask anyone to his first high school dance. Since I'm taking wood shop, I agreed to make him a wooden eye. My girlfriend was an artist and she made this eye look perfect. I found him a date for the dance and he said, what does she like? I said, she's really pretty but she just has fat legs. James didn't mind. After all, he had his share of imperfections. So we get to the dance and James approaches the girl. Would you like to dance? She replies, Would I? And James barks back, Fat legs.

What do you call a monkey named James that's afraid of everything?

Jim-pansy

Why did James Brown always tour in Asia?

He loved the Seoul train.

What do SpongeBob and LeBron James have in common?

They both hit the deck and flop like a fish.

What's James Cameron called when he's no working?

James Camera-off

Went to the office without a bra today.

Well, I got a lot of compliments.

- Wow, you look way more natural!
- They look even better without a bra!
- Its nice to see you are your normal self again, James!

When the Empire Strikes Back was being filmed, they considered getting rid of James Earl Jones and bringing in Hulk Hogan instead to be Darth Vader.

But they quickly decided not to when they realized the line "No Luke, I am your father, brother!" Was way too confusing.

The "circle of life" applies to life in general,

your own life is more of a straight line that ends abruptly.




(Credit James Acaster)

The math teacher asks little john

"If you have 5 apples and James takes 3 from you, what will you have ? "

little john : a fight sir !

What' was James Brown's favorite college?

UNH

James and giant peach should have been serialized into a number of films.

Dave and the giant strawberry.
John and the giant cantelope.
Your mom and the giant cucumber.

The Duchess returned to the Manor one evening and encountered her butler in her boudoir

She looked the butler straight in the eye and said:

James, take off my dress. James took off her dress.

James, take off my petticoat. James took off her petticoat.

James, take off my bra. James took off her bra.

James, take off my panties. James took off her panties. The Duchess turned, faced her butler again and in a soft but firm voice said:

Now then, James, never let me catch you wearing my clothes again.

I'm so unfamiliar withe the local gym

I have to call it the *James*

There was a spy that was into Bondage.

James, Bondage.

How to make James jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about James to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about James? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny James pick up lines to share with friends.

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