James Jokes

"What do you dream of doing, kids?" Asked the teacher...

Jimmy: "I want to be a pilot"
Amber: "I want to be a teacher"
Stacy: "I want to be a good mother"
James: "I want to help Stacy to be a mother"

James Thurber's crossword puzzle.

Laid up in the hospital, James Thurber passed the time doing crossword puzzles.
One day he asked a nurse, What seven-letter word has three u's in it?
She said, I don't know, but it must be unusual.

I'm inventing a glue and calling it James Bond...

It's a chemical agent.

When I want to exercise, I wear my gym clothes...

...but when I want to wear something more formal, I wear my James clothes.

Jeremy Clarkson decided not to stay with Top Gear, but James May

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,
"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "
"Do you expect me to talk? "
"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.
"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.
"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.
"Shaken, not stirred."
"Oh, thank God."

Who is James Bond's favorite bartender?

Michael J Fox

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"
Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!
Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.

Why did James Comey refuse to indict Hillary Clinton?

Because he found his s**... note in her Wikileaks emails.

James Bond.

Do you think when he is out of the UK he is known as +44 007?

A teacher receives a phone call shortly before the school day starts

Caller: Mr. Brown, my son James will not come to school today because he is sick.
Teacher: Who am I speaking to please?
Caller: I am my father.

James Bond gets called into M's office

M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.
Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!
M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.

James Franco responds to claims of s**... misconduct.

I did not touch them! It's not true! It's b**...! I did not touch them! I did naaaht.
Oh hi Mark.

John: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend Mike."

James: "Since when is Mike your best friend?"
John: "Since yesterday."

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant
"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"
"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

BOSS: What's going on here?

BOSS: What's going on here?
JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

You're in the Army Now

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a South Alabama man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Why does 007 try to form so many relationships with women?

He was told to, "bond James, bond!"

SPY FACT:

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

Kirk breaks his arm and goes to see Doctor McCoy.

McCoy starts to s**... and says, "Well James, you may not be laughing on the outside, but on the inside you're cracking up!"
"Funny, Bones", replies Kirk with a smirk.
"Actually James", says McCoy, checking Kirk's arm, "your humerus!"

A teacher asked her students a question

"Stand up if you think you're s**...."
The room was quiet for a bit, then one boy stood up.
"Do you think your s**..., James?", asked the teacher.
"No," replied James.
"Why did you stand up then?" asked the teacher.
"I didn't want you to be standing alone."

James Gunn has been brought back as the director of Guardians Of The Galaxy 3

I guess you can unfire a Gunn.

What does lebron james and stormy Daniels have in common

They both get paid to play with orange b**...

What's the temperature in a taun taun?

lukewarm
Credit to my friend James for that.

Father looks hard at his teenage son and says, James, you've been adopted.

James jumps up, Adopted! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents! Father laughs, No no, James, we are your biological parents. But you need to get packing, your adoptive ones will be here in an hour.

So Sean Connery Died today.....

Couldn't he have died another day?
​
(Sean is hands down the best James Bond!)

IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS "LEBRON JAMES n**..." DON'T CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.

What do you call a shrimp that's really good at basketball?

Leprawn James

Three men on a bike

Three men were travelling on the same bike when they were caught by a policeman.
"Don't you know it's i**... for more than 2 people to travel on a bike? Why are there three of you?"
"Three?! s**..., where's James?!"

My wife asked why I talked so quietly today, I told her I was afraid mark zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed, I laughed, Siri laughed and Alexa laughed!
-James Franco

Why doesn't James Bond f**... in bed?

It would blow his cover!

What does James Bond's doorbell sounds like?

'**..., Ding d**...''

English lord to his servant: James a glass of water please. Here you are sir. Thank you James. Another glass of water please. Sure sir, here you are. Thank you, James.

James, please call the firemen, I don't think we can put out this fire on our own.

o**... guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

If James T. Kirk ran a drug business from his ship...

Would it be a criminal Enterprise?

My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond

My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond.
I said "No time to die"?
He replied: we can go tomorrow then!

Mom, I'm dating a man.

Who is it, honey?"
"James the postman."
"James the postman? But he could be your father!"
"But mom, age is just a number."
"Honey, I don't think you understood.

Exciting news from the James Webb Telescope...

They have detected a new planet that is almost the size of one of Zelensky's b**...

James finds Timmy crying at a hospital...

"Timmy!" James exclaims, "What happened?"
"I had a blood test today, and the doctor stabbed a massive needle into my arm," Timmy responds.
James then proceeds to cry more hysterically than Timmy.
Timmy looks over and asks, "Why are you suddenly crying now?"
James wails, "Because I have a u**... test later!"

Why doesn't James Bond f**... in bed ?

Because, it would blow his cover.

A man dies and his three best friends, Matthew, Mark and James are looking at his body in the coffin.

Matthew says "He was such a good friend. I don't want him to go to his maker empty handed" and he throws $200 in cash into the coffin. Mark says he agrees and also throws in $200 in cash.
James says "You cheap-skates! I'm ashamed of you and I'm going to give him $1,000." He then writes out a check for $1,400, throws it in and takes the $400 in change out of the coffin.

Why did James Dean cross the road?

Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt

r**...

Having grown up in a small Alabama town, my friend James couldn't wait to tell us all about life in California, where he was stationed.
"The malls are massive, and the restaurants are great," he said. Then he grinned. "I even went to a t**... bar."
"Really?" said his mother, surprised.
"What do they do if it starts to rain?"