James Jokes
144 james jokes and hilarious james puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about james that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores the hilarious comedic personas of comedians Billy T James, Sid James, Ron James and Anderson Henry Jeffrey. Get ready for a few laughs as you read about their unique style of comedy that has influenced generations.
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Funniest James Short Jokes
Short james jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The james humour may include short james brown jokes also.
- James Bond always holds his farts while in bed Otherwise he would blow his cover.
(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X) - 007 recieves a new mission... to infiltrate a party and mingle. His orders are to, "bond James, bond".
- I went to make my own james bond clothing, but came back with a plain, white T-shirt I had No Time To Dye.
- Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years... ...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.
- If James Hetfield officiated kermit and Miss Piggy's wedding... He'd be a Pastor of Muppets!
- "The bond's Name. James Name" Pleased to... what?
"Bond Name's the james"
Are you alright?
"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance" - I think I figured out the source of the beef between Kyle Rittenhouse and LeBron James. Kyle has LeBron sorely outclassed in both shooting and defense.
- What is the most unrealistic part of the newest James Bond movie? A Brit with a full petrol tank.
- Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred
- James Bond walks into a bar... James Bond walks into a bar.
Michael J. Fox is the bartender.
James Bond says "I'll have a martini."
He does not need to specify.
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James One Liners
Which james one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with james? I can suggest the ones about james bond and lebron james.
- Why can't lebron james stand on his tippy toes? He gets no support from his Cavs
- Where do James Bond Actors go when they die? 00Heaven
- What does Lebron James do after winning the nba
Championship? He turns off his Xbox. - I go to the gym so infrequently I still call it James
- Why did LeBron James skip college? He didn't want to show up for finals.
- What does James Bond do before going to bed He goes undercover
- I went to a posh school. In fact it was so posh, their gym was called James.
- What is James Bond called in Newfoundland? 007:30
- WAS BARRY WHITE ? WAS CILLA BLACK ? WAS JAMES BROWN ? SURE MAKES STEVIE WONDER
- What do you call James Bond in the bathtub? Bubble-0-7
- How does the modern-day James Bond prefer his women? Shaven, not furred
- You're so unfamiliar with the gym... You call it James
- If James T. Kirk ran a drug business from his ship... Would it be a criminal Enterprise?
- James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014. But she was exposed for being a double agent.
- Jeremy Clarkson decided not to stay with Top Gear, but James May
James Bond Jokes
Here is a list of funny james bond jokes and even better james bond puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014? of course, he was, after all, his double. I'll see myself out.
- Why the next James Bond should be a woman The next Bond should be a woman!
Can you imagine? Crazy car scenes with spectacular crashes, explosions...
... And all of that while she's parking. - My science teacher told us this James Bond says to a chicken, "I'm Bond, James Bond." The chicken turns and says, "Well I'm Ken, Chic-ken."
I'll see myself out... - If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle... why wasn't he James Stock?
-Caroline - James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east. Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.
- My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond.
I said "No time to die"?
He replied: we can go tomorrow then! - Why does 007 try to form so many relationships with women? He was told to, "bond James, bond!"
- Who is James Bond's favorite bartender? Michael J Fox
- Who is the worst spy in history? James Bond. Because everyone knows him.
- So Sean Connery Died today..... Couldn't he have died another day?
(Sean is hands down the best James Bond!)
Lebron James Jokes
Here is a list of funny lebron james jokes and even better lebron james puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between Lebron James and a dollar (USD)... A dollar gives you four quarters :-)
- Why should you never loan LeBron James a dollar? He will give you back 75 cents and say he wasn't sure about what happened to the fourth quarter.
- Bill Russell tried to sell a championship ring to LeBron James for $1...... ...... but LeBron only has 3 quarters.
Read online on a comment. LOL - Why does LeBron James wear high socks? His Cavs can't handle the Heat
- Why does Lebron James drive automatic? He has no clutch.
- Lebron James is going to be in Space Jam 2 It's going to be really weird when Lebron quits the Tune Squad and joins up with the Monstars midway through the movie
- Lebron James is like Justin Timberlake. No matter how good he his, he will never be Michael.
- What do SpongeBob and LeBron James have in common? They both hit the deck and flop like a fish.
- What's LeBron James' wife called? LaBron James.
- What would Lebron be called if he was a sea animal? Leprawn James.
James Brown Jokes
Here is a list of funny james brown jokes and even better james brown puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What were James Brown's last words? I don't feel good
- Why did James Brown always tour in Asia? He loved the Seoul train.
- What' was James Brown's favorite college? UNH
- Why did James Brown return his shoes to the store? They had no sole.
- I yelled into the intercom at the grocery store Why did I get kicked out when James Brown has been getting away with it for decades?
- There is a James Brown impersonator in South Korea. He's known as the Godfather of Seoul.
James Cameron Jokes
Here is a list of funny james cameron jokes and even better james cameron puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do James Cameron and M. Night Shamylan have in common? Icy dead people.
- What's James Cameron called when he's no working? James Camera-off
- What would James Cameron's restaurant be called if he opened one? C.G.I. Friday's
- Why was James Cameron so depressed after exploring the Mariana Trench? He had really sunk to a new low.
- The first thing James Cameron saw when he reached the Challenger Deep was Chuck Norris snorkeling down to test his new watch.
- What does James Cameron and your mom have in common? They both rave about the three D experience.
Comical James Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about james you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bates jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make james pranks.
"What do you dream of doing, kids?" Asked the teacher...
Jimmy: "I want to be a pilot"
Amber: "I want to be a teacher"
Stacy: "I want to be a good mother"
James: "I want to help Stacy to be a mother"
James Thurber's crossword puzzle.
Laid up in the hospital, James Thurber passed the time doing crossword puzzles.
One day he asked a nurse, What seven-letter word has three u's in it?
She said, I don't know, but it must be unusual.
I'm inventing a glue and calling it James Bond...
It's a chemical agent.
When I want to exercise, I wear my gym clothes...
...but when I want to wear something more formal, I wear my James clothes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yo momma is so unfamiliar with the gym...
...she calls it James
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Positive...
James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:
" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"
" -Terrible."
" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"
" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."
" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"
" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."
" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"
" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."
" -Oh thank God! How is she?"
" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."
" -Well, at least you got the company."
" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."
" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"
" -Yeah, h**...."
Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.
Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.
"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.
"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.
"Shaken, not stirred."
"Oh, thank God."
Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.
Respect
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a monkey named James that's afraid of everything?
Jim-p**...
A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"
The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"
Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!
Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did James Comey refuse to indict Hillary Clinton?
Because he found his s**... note in her Wikileaks emails.
James Bond.
Do you think when he is out of the UK he is known as +44 007?
Did you hear about how James Bond slept through an earthquake?
He was shaken, not stirred.
A teacher receives a phone call shortly before the school day starts
Caller: Mr. Brown, my son James will not come to school today because he is sick.
Teacher: Who am I speaking to please?
Caller: I am my father.
James Bond gets called into M's office
M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.
Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!
M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
James Franco responds to claims of s**... misconduct.
I did not touch them! It's not true! It's b**...! I did not touch them! I did naaaht.
Oh hi Mark.
James Bond is laid off
James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant
"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"
"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "
BOSS: What's going on here?
BOSS: What's going on here?
JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife
You're in the Army Now
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a South Alabama man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
SPY FACT:
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Kirk breaks his arm and goes to see Doctor McCoy.
McCoy starts to s**... and says, "Well James, you may not be laughing on the outside, but on the inside you're cracking up!"
"Funny, Bones", replies Kirk with a smirk.
"Actually James", says McCoy, checking Kirk's arm, "your humerus!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teacher asked her students a question
"Stand up if you think you're s**...."
The room was quiet for a bit, then one boy stood up.
"Do you think your s**..., James?", asked the teacher.
"No," replied James.
"Why did you stand up then?" asked the teacher.
"I didn't want you to be standing alone."
James Bond orders a sandwich
James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.
The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"
Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."
James Gunn has been brought back as the director of Guardians Of The Galaxy 3
I guess you can unfire a Gunn.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does lebron james and stormy Daniels have in common
They both get paid to play with orange b**...
What's the temperature in a taun taun?
lukewarm
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An all boys high school teacher was doing the attendance roll call one morning
She went through the list of names and each student replied, Yes miss as their name was called.
James?
Yes miss, replied James.
Is Robert here?
Yes miss, replied Robert.
Jack?
After about 5 seconds of silence, Jack hadn't replied.
The teacher continued, j**... today?
The whole class in unison, Okay we will miss.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS "LEBRON JAMES n**..." DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
Two students, James and John were given a grammar test by their teacher. The question was,"is it better to use 'had' or 'had had' in this example sentence?"
The teacher collected the tests and looked over their answers.
James, while John had had 'had',had had 'had had'. 'Had had' had had a better effect on the teacher.
After 3 weeks at sea, the captain speaks to the oarmen. "I know its been rough seas, and tough rowing, but I've got some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you all get to change underwear....
...the bad news is, George you change with Bob. James, you change with Bill. John, you change with Ed, Rob you change.........."
What do you call a shrimp that's really good at basketball?
Leprawn James
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men on a bike
Three men were travelling on the same bike when they were caught by a policeman.
"Don't you know it's i**... for more than 2 people to travel on a bike? Why are there three of you?"
"Three?! s**..., where's James?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
James Potter and Sirius Black passed by each other in heaven.
James exclaimed, "Sirius, why are you here? Are you visiting?"
Sirius hung his head. "No, I actually died. Bellatrix killed me in the Department of Mysteries."
Potter just laughed. "What do you mean? You were a much better wizard than her. You can't fool me."
"I'm not kidding!" Black protested. "She killed me!"
**"Oh," James said, looking at his friend. "You're dead Sirius."** (dead serious)
Who do you call the underwater seaspy?
James Pond
English lord to his servant: James a glass of water please. Here you are sir. Thank you James. Another glass of water please. Sure sir, here you are. Thank you, James.
James, please call the firemen, I don't think we can put out this fire on our own.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
o**... guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink
I'm literally shaking right now
James takes his date to the prom
They get to the building, and there's a long line to get in
They go to take pictures, and there a long line for pictures
They go to get flowers, and there's another long line for flowers.
James is fed up with all the lines, so he goes for some punch, and finds that there is no punchline
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Exciting news from the James Webb Telescope...
They have detected a new planet that is almost the size of one of Zelensky's b**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
James finds Timmy crying at a hospital...
"Timmy!" James exclaims, "What happened?"
"I had a blood test today, and the doctor stabbed a massive needle into my arm," Timmy responds.
James then proceeds to cry more hysterically than Timmy.
Timmy looks over and asks, "Why are you suddenly crying now?"
James wails, "Because I have a u**... test later!"
What do you call a guy named James who smokes e-cigs and works at a prison?
Jim the Juul Man Jailor
A man dies and his three best friends, Matthew, Mark and James are looking at his body in the coffin.
Matthew says "He was such a good friend. I don't want him to go to his maker empty handed" and he throws $200 in cash into the coffin. Mark says he agrees and also throws in $200 in cash.
James says "You cheap-skates! I'm ashamed of you and I'm going to give him $1,000." He then writes out a check for $1,400, throws it in and takes the $400 in change out of the coffin.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
r**...
Having grown up in a small Alabama town, my friend James couldn't wait to tell us all about life in California, where he was stationed.
"The malls are massive, and the restaurants are great," he said. Then he grinned. "I even went to a t**... bar."
"Really?" said his mother, surprised.
"What do they do if it starts to rain?"
James Caan shared this one in his famous Twitter fashion
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
