James Bond Jokes

107 james bond jokes and hilarious james bond puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about james bond that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Quick Jump To

Short James Bond Jokes
James Bond One Liners
More James Bond Jokes

Funniest James Bond Short Jokes

Short james bond jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The james bond humour may include short secret agent jokes also.

James Bond always holds his farts while in bed Otherwise he would blow his cover.

(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X)
007 recieves a new mission... to infiltrate a party and mingle. His orders are to, "bond James, bond".
I went to make my own James Bond clothing, but came back with a plain, white T-shirt I had No Time To Dye.
"The bond's Name. James Name" Pleased to... what?
"Bond Name's the james"
Are you alright?
"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"
What is the most unrealistic part of the newest James Bond movie? A Brit with a full petrol tank.
Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred
James Bond walks into a bar... James Bond walks into a bar.
Michael J. Fox is the bartender.
James Bond says "I'll have a martini."
He does not need to specify.
Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014? of course, he was, after all, his double. I'll see myself out.
Why the next James Bond should be a woman The next Bond should be a woman!
Can you imagine? Crazy car scenes with spectacular crashes, explosions...
... And all of that while she's parking.
My science teacher told us this James Bond says to a chicken, "I'm Bond, James Bond." The chicken turns and says, "Well I'm Ken, Chic-ken."
I'll see myself out...

Share These James Bond Jokes With Friends

James Bond One Liners

Which james bond one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with james bond? I can suggest the ones about jason bourne and james brown.

Where do James Bond Actors go when they die? 00Heaven
What does James Bond do before going to bed He goes undercover
What is James Bond called in Newfoundland? 007:30
What do you call James Bond in the bathtub? Bubble-0-7
How does the modern-day James Bond prefer his women? Shaven, not furred
James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014. But she was exposed for being a double agent.
If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle... why wasn't he James Stock?
-Caroline
Who is James Bond's favorite bartender? Michael J Fox
Who is the worst spy in history? James Bond. Because everyone knows him.
SPY FACT: When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07
James Bond. Do you think when he is out of the UK he is known as +44 007?
I'm inventing a glue and calling it James Bond... It's a chemical agent.
Who always says his name 1½ times? James Bond.
Just fought the James Bond. I was really shaken. But not stirred.
Due to recent events, James Bond no longer works for her majesty's secret service.

Hilarious James Bond Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about james bond you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sean connery jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make james bond pranks.

James Bond's license to kill was approved by Chuck Norris.

James Bond was trained by Chuck Norris, as his butler.

What do you get when you combine Robert Frost and James Bond?

The Road Not Shaken but Stirred.

James Bond and Money Penny are locked in a trunk...

Money Penny: What's that jabbing me in the gluteus maximus?
Bond: my PPK?
Money Penny: 'K

Chemists Confirm the Existence of New Type of Bond

Bond, James Bond.

What is the best kind of bond?

James bond.

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.
"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.
"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.
"Shaken, not stirred."
"Oh, thank God."

What does James Bond say after a heavy workout?

I would like to have Whey. Shaken, not stirred.

Why is James Bond a terrible motivational speaker?

Because the audiences are shaken, not stirred.

Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.

Respect

I meet James Bond at my university.

I meet James Bond at my university. After some greetings, I ask him: "Whats your GPA?"
James answers: "4
2.4."

If James Bond movies were about food...

These could be their titles:
* On Her Majesty's Secret Recipe
* Donuts are Forever
* Octopie
* Moonbaker
* The Spy Who Loved Meat
* License to Grill
* GoldenPie
* Diet Another Day
* All The Food In The World Is Not Enough
* Cashew Chicken Royale

How does James Bond sleep?

Around.

What do you call a spy's law firm?

James' Bail Bonds.

What do you call a james bond film about a calculator?

Casio royale

Why is James Bond such a big fan of pottery?

He has a license to kiln.

Did you hear about how James Bond slept through an earthquake?

He was shaken, not stirred.

James Bond had to disarm a bomb headed to earths core before it reached there, it was at the ocean floor now...

Unfortunately the stress got to him, and he fell apart under pressure.

James Bond gets called into M's office

M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.
Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!
M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.

How can you tell if James Bond has died?

If he has been shaken and not stirred!!

At 26 years old. I just learned

That the Austin Powers movies are James Bond spoofs.
TLDR: The joke is my life.

What do you call a spy in debt?

Bond. James' Bond.

What's James Bond's favourite snack?

Couscous Bang Bang

what do you call a female james bond?

0077 cents on the dollar

Braces at 22 isn't so bad

When I talk to people and they notice my braces I just casually say "I'm researching and method acting a roll for Jaws from James Bond".

What do you call Irish James Bond?

Dublin O'Seven!

007 is both James Bonds number and Russias country code, a coincidence...?

...yes, that's a coincidence.

Michael J Fox has watched too many James Bond movies...

Now he's shaken, not stirred.

James Bond is supposed to protect people, but he kills more people than he saves.

That makes him an ironic bond.

Many people consider scaramanga to be the best James Bond villain of all time.

I've always preferred scara anime.

Talk about a type-cast...

Why did James Bond hire a bartender with Parkinson's?
... Every drink was shaken, not stirred.

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant
"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"
"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

What happened when James Bond's stomach growled during a fancy dinner party?

He said: "Stop, you're under a vest!"

They have just announced the release of the new James Bond movie where the lead role is played by a woman.

It will be called Double O .77 cents on the dollar .

What kind of coffee machine does James Bond use?

A Q-rig

Why does 007 try to form so many relationships with women?

He was told to, "bond James, bond!"

When James Bond visits Arabia, he still prefers his drinks...

Sheikhen, not stirred.

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

James Bond Met a Chick During An Operation.

James: *The Name's Bond. James Bond.*
Chick: *The Name's Ken. Chick Ken.*

YOLO for different beings:

YOLT = James Bond
OOYL= Yoda
YOLN = Cats
YOLF = Vampires
YNLO = Aborted babies

James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.
The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"
Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

James Bond is a sleeper agent

He sleeps with every woman he comes across

I met a guy who looked a bit like James Bond in India. He said his name Josh..

Rogan Josh.

M calls 007 into her office.

She says, "Your next assignment is to go to the Chrstmas ball and meet new people. Bond, James, bond!"

How many James Bonds does it take to change a light bulb?

007

Michael J. Fox is rumoured to be the next James bond...

He'll shake his own martinis and he's got a license to spill.

I'm watching 007 with my dad...

Bonding time.
James bonding time.

I'm like James Bond without the ladies

Single 07

So me and a friend were talking...

... And somehow we got on the subject of weak metals.
He says "Gold, thats quite weak."
So I say "That must be why James Bond got glasses."
He looks confusedly at me.
"GoldenEye."

Did you hear where they're looking for the new James Bond actor?

In Daniel Craigslist

James Bond is on a mission to the white house

007: Q!
Q: Yes sir
007: Do you have the package?
Q: Yes sir! It's armed and ready
007: Good. Now do you have a marker on you
Q: Uhh sure here
007: thanks
*writes on package: From Russia with Love*
007: He'll never suspect a thing

James Bond is going to be played by a woman

As a woman, James Bond's name will be Fools, April Fools.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What did James Bond say to the CEO of a famous microphone company before he executed him?

It's the end of the Røde for you.

Who's your favorite James Bond actor?

They're all good but I like Roger Moore.

What did James Bond's mother say as she was giving birth

I've been expecting you Mr. Bond

I told my coworker he should introduce himself like James Bond

The name's Moore, Steve Moore. At least that's what the ladies say.

There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film...

... it's because he's got 'No time to Dye'.

So Sean Connery Died today.....

Couldn't he have died another day?

(Sean is hands down the best James Bond!)

James Bond's father :

How many marks did you get?
James Bond: 95% ………… 34.95%

What is James Bond's favorite pasta…?

Mini Penne