James Bond Jokes
107 james bond jokes and hilarious james bond puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about james bond that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest James Bond Short Jokes
Short james bond jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The james bond humour may include short secret agent jokes also.
- James Bond always holds his farts while in bed Otherwise he would blow his cover.
(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X) - 007 recieves a new mission... to infiltrate a party and mingle. His orders are to, "bond James, bond".
- I went to make my own James Bond clothing, but came back with a plain, white T-shirt I had No Time To Dye.
- "The bond's Name. James Name" Pleased to... what?
"Bond Name's the james"
Are you alright?
"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance" - What is the most unrealistic part of the newest James Bond movie? A Brit with a full petrol tank.
- Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred
- James Bond walks into a bar... James Bond walks into a bar.
Michael J. Fox is the bartender.
James Bond says "I'll have a martini."
He does not need to specify. - My friend calls me James Bonds while I play Call Of Duty.... 0 - Kills
0 - Assists
7 - Deaths - Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014? of course, he was, after all, his double. I'll see myself out.
- Why the next James Bond should be a woman The next Bond should be a woman!
Can you imagine? Crazy car scenes with spectacular crashes, explosions...
... And all of that while she's parking.
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James Bond One Liners
Which james bond one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with james bond? I can suggest the ones about bonds and jason bourne.
- Where do James Bond Actors go when they die? 00Heaven
- What does James Bond do before going to bed He goes undercover
- What is James Bond called in Newfoundland? 007:30
- What do you call James Bond in the bathtub? Bubble-0-7
- How does the modern-day James Bond prefer his women? Shaven, not furred
- What do you call James Bond taking a bath? Bubble 0-7
- What do you call James bond in the bath? Bubble07
- James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014. But she was exposed for being a double agent.
- What do you call James Bond having a bath? Bubble 07
- If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle... why wasn't he James Stock?
-Caroline - Who is James Bond's favorite bartender? Michael J Fox
- Who is the worst spy in history? James Bond. Because everyone knows him.
- SPY FACT: When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07
- James Bond. Do you think when he is out of the UK he is known as +44 007?
- I'm inventing a glue and calling it James Bond... It's a chemical agent.
Hilarious James Bond Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about james bond you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean james brown jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make james bond pranks.
What do you get when you combine Robert Frost and James Bond?
The Road Not Shaken but Stirred.
James Bond and Money Penny are locked in a trunk...
Money Penny: What's that jabbing me in the gluteus maximus?
Bond: my PPK?
Money Penny: 'K
James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...
James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,
"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "
"Do you expect me to talk? "
"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "
Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.
Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.
"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.
"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.
"Shaken, not stirred."
"Oh, thank God."
Why is James Bond a terrible motivational speaker?
Because the audiences are shaken, not stirred.
Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.
Respect
What is James Bonds code name when he is abroad?
+4407
I meet James Bond at my university.
I meet James Bond at my university. After some greetings, I ask him: "Whats your GPA?"
James answers: "4
2.4."
If James Bond movies were about food...
These could be their titles:
* On Her Majesty's Secret Recipe
* Donuts are Forever
* Octopie
* Moonbaker
* The Spy Who Loved Meat
* License to Grill
* GoldenPie
* Diet Another Day
* All The Food In The World Is Not Enough
* Cashew Chicken Royale
What's James bonds fettish?
b**...
How does James Bond sleep?
Around.
James Bond walks into a bar...
James Bond walks into a bar and sits next to a chicken.
Chicken: What's your name?
Bond: My name's Bond. James Bond.
Chicken: Nice to meet you, I'm Ken. Chick Ken.
What do you call a james bond film about a calculator?
Casio royale
Why is James Bond such a big fan of pottery?
He has a license to kiln.
Did you hear about how James Bond slept through an earthquake?
He was shaken, not stirred.
James Bond gets called into M's office
M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.
Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!
M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.
James Bond meets a chicken
James Bond meets a chicken and he says: I'm Bond, James Bond.
Chicken replies: I'm Ken, Chicken.
How can you tell if James Bond has died?
If he has been shaken and not stirred!!
At 26 years old. I just learned
That the Austin Powers movies are James Bond spoofs.
TLDR: The joke is my life.
What do you call a spy in debt?
Bond. James' Bond.
What's James Bond's favourite snack?
Couscous Bang Bang
what do you call a female james bond?
0077 cents on the dollar
My science teacher told us this
James Bond says to a chicken, "I'm Bond, James Bond." The chicken turns and says, "Well I'm Ken, Chic-ken."
I'll see myself out...
007 is both James Bonds number and Russias country code, a coincidence...?
...yes, that's a coincidence.
James Bond is supposed to protect people, but he kills more people than he saves.
That makes him an ironic bond.
Many people consider scaramanga to be the best James Bond villain of all time.
I've always preferred scara anime.
Talk about a type-cast...
Why did James Bond hire a bartender with Parkinson's?
... Every drink was shaken, not stirred.
James Bond is laid off
James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant
"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"
"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "
They have just announced the release of the new James Bond movie where the lead role is played by a woman.
It will be called Double O .77 cents on the dollar .
What kind of coffee machine does James Bond use?
A Q-rig
Why does 007 try to form so many relationships with women?
He was told to, "bond James, bond!"
James Bond and Van Damme meet
And James Bond says "Hi, I'm Bond, James Bond".
Van Damme says "Hi, I'm Damme, Van Damme, Claude Van Damme, Jean Claude Van Damme."
James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.
Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.
What do you call James Bond in a bathtub?
Bubble-O-7
(I'll see myself out.)
James Bond orders a sandwich
James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.
The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"
Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."
Few people know, that James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014
But he was exposed as a double agent.
How many James Bonds does it take to change a light bulb?
007
So me and a friend were talking...
... And somehow we got on the subject of weak metals.
He says "Gold, thats quite weak."
So I say "That must be why James Bond got glasses."
He looks confusedly at me.
"GoldenEye."
Did you hear where they're looking for the new James Bond actor?
In Daniel Craigslist
James Bond is on a mission to the white house
007: Q!
Q: Yes sir
007: Do you have the package?
Q: Yes sir! It's armed and ready
007: Good. Now do you have a marker on you
Q: Uhh sure here
007: thanks
*writes on package: From Russia with Love*
007: He'll never suspect a thing
What's James Bond's favorite kind of pasta?
(in a Scottish accent)
Mini Penne
James Bond is going to be played by a woman
As a woman, James Bond's name will be Fools, April Fools.
Who's your favorite James Bond actor?
They're all good but I like Roger Moore.
What did James Bond's mother say as she was giving birth
I've been expecting you Mr. Bond
I told my coworker he should introduce himself like James Bond
The name's Moore, Steve Moore. At least that's what the ladies say.
There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film...
... it's because he's got 'No time to Dye'.
Where do dead James Bond actors go when they die?
00Heaven (no disrespect meant, just remembered it now)
So Sean Connery Died today.....
Couldn't he have died another day?
(Sean is hands down the best James Bond!)
What does James Bond do before he goes to sleep?
He goes under cover
Why doesn't James Bond f**... in bed?
It would blow his cover!
Just fought the James Bond.
I was really shaken. But not stirred.
What does James Bond's doorbell sounds like?
'**..., Ding d**...''
James Bond's father :
How many marks did you get?
James Bond: 95% ………… 34.95%
What is James Bond's favorite pasta…?
Mini Penne
o**... guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink
I'm literally shaking right now
What's the most unrealistic part of the new James bond movie?
A Brit with a full tank of petrol.
Unbelievable!!
My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond
My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond.
I said "No time to die"?
He replied: we can go tomorrow then!
What your score in the last test, James?
James Bond: 95%.............34.95%
What do you call James Bond when they're taking a bath?
Bubble-07
One good thing of the whole war...
...Russia will continue being James Bond story material.
Jean Claude Van Damme meets James Bond for the first time. Bond introduces himself.
"the name's Bond. James... Bond."
Jean Claude replies
"The name's Damme. Van Damme. Claude Van Damme. Jean Claude Van Damme"
How do you know James bond is british?
He needs a licence to kill.
