jam Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious jam puns

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."

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moles

Mama mole, papa mole, and baby mole all lived in a hole. One day, mama mole stuck her head out and sniffed the air.

"That's weird, I smell grape jelly."

Papa mole squeezes up beside her, sniffs around, and says, "That's funny, because i smell strawberry jam."

Baby mole wanted to sniff the air too, but was stuck behind mama and papa mole, so he said "That's strange, all I smell is molasses!"

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What do you call a traffic jam in Compton?

A blood clot

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A man stucks in a traffic jam in US

He sees a foreign man is coming towards him. Foreign man comes and says:

– Terrorists captured Trump, we are collecting donations. If $10.000.000 hasn't given in 1 hour, they will burn him with gasoline.

– How much people donate usually?

– Around 5 gallons.

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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all the politicians , and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations".

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks...

The man replies, "Roughly 2 litres."

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Why did the man smear peanut butter on the road?

To go with the traffic jam.

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ISIS takes Congress hostage

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire."

"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

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What do cars eat on their toast?

Traffic Jam.

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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway...

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies,
"About a gallon "

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Did you hear about the truck full of sugar that collided with the truck full of strawberries?

Created one hell of a jam.

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Grandma's Facebook

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, D.C.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls it down and asks, What's going on?

Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100m ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations.

How much is everyone giving, on average? asks the driver.

The man replies, Roughly a gallon."

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[NSFW] A husband was in the mood...

And he says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for a 69er!."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

He says, "Answer the door."

She says, "Look at me! I'm a mess! I can't answer the door! YOU answer it!!."

He says "Look at my face! I can't answer the door!"

She sneaks a peek out the window and says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

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A driver was stuck in Washington D.C. in the worst traffic jam he had ever seen...

Cars were stretched out for miles ahead of him. As he was sitting there, a young fellow approached his car and knocked on the window. "What's the holdup?", the driver asked. "Well," answered the young fellow, "It seems that a terrorist group is holding the entire U.S. Congress hostage up ahead a few miles. They claim they're going to douse the whole bunch of them with gasoline and start them on fire unless they get $50 million. I'm just going car to car to try and get some donations." "I'd love to help." said the driver. "How much is everyone else giving?" "About a gallon each."

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Terrorists

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Cars were at a stand still. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $200 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone else giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Eh, Roughly a gallon."

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Donations

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"ISIS have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

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I love the sound of traffic.

It's my jam

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A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help."

Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?"

Officer: "On average, about two gallons."

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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam...

Suddenly, a man knocks on his car window. The driver winds down his window and asks Whats going on?

The man says Our has been kidnapped by terrorists, they're asking for a $100 Million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse him in petrol and set him on fire

We are going car to car collecting donations , would you like to contribute?

The driver asks Oh. How much is everyone giving on average?

The man replies roughly 2 litres

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A woman found herself in a traffic jam...

on the freeway in Washington DC. Traffic was locked up for over an hour when she saw some men walking towards her car carrying buckets. She leaned out of her window and asked them what was going on up ahead. The men explained that terrorists had taken over the capitol and they were holding Congress for ransom.

One man said, "The terrorists said if they don't get $50 million they're going to cover everyone in Congress in gasoline and set them on fire. So we're taking up a collection."

"How much is everyone donating?" the woman asked.

"About a gallon or two."

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Why did the ants wait until the bear's favourite song came on before stealing his jelly?

Because nobody would understand what was going on when he yelled "YO! THAT'S MY JAM!"

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A man is stuck in a traffic jam

A man is struck in a traffic jam

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. 

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" 

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire politicians, and they are asking for a 1 million crore rupees ransom. 

Otherwise, they are gong to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. 

We are going from car to car, and collection donations. 

How much is everyone giving, an on average? the driver asks.... 

The man replied, "Roughly 2 liters"

*Edit 1 : I apologise for any grammatical errors. English is not my 1st language.

*Edit 2 : Wow! Thanks for the upvotes guys! I really appreciate it. Also this is my most upvoted post ever.

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A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

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What does one strawberry say to the other?

"Well, if you hadn't been so fresh last night, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam!"

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An Australian man was having coffee...

and toast with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped the gum in his mouth and said, 'Do you Australian folk eat the whole bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "yeah, of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."

The American had a smirk on his face, the Australian listened in silence. The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Australian replied "yes."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell it to Australia.

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "yeah, of course we do." The Australian leant closer to him and asked, "what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away of course" replied the American.
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to The United States.

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Another Trump joke

An american was driving his car until he ended up in a traffic jam.

After a long time of waiting and standing with his car, without moving any further, a policeman appeared and knocked on his window.

"Good day Sir, some terrorists kidnapped the President and will soak him in gasoline and burn him, if the government won't pay them 10 million dollar. We are currently asking the citizens, if they are willing to donate something."

The man took his wallet, looked insinde and asked the policeman:

"Just tell me: how much did the other drivers give?"

"About 20 to 50"

"Dollar?"

"No. Gallons"

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What do you call a group of cars playing instruments?

A Traffic Jam

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Why was the strawberry sad?

His mom was in a jam!

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A Drunk

A drunk is in a bar, lying on the floor and looking the worse for wear. Other bar patrons decide to be good samaritans and to take him home.
They pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times. Mission accomplished, they prop him against the door jam and ring the doorbell.
"Here's your husband!" they exclaim proudly.
"Where's his wheelchair?" asks the puzzled wife....

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When pearl jam comes on and you're like...

It doesn't get Eddie Vedder than this

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Congress gets kidnapped

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

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I recently learned how to store jam properly.

I must say, it was a rather jarring event.

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Why were the ants dancing on top of the jar of jam?

It said "twist to open"

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Congress has been kidnapped...

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

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What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your dick up a girls ass

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What is the difference between erotic and perverted?

Tickel a womens vulva with a feather and you are an erotic. Jam the whole duck in, and you are a pervert.

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What are the most funny Jam jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Jam? Well, here are the best Jam dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Jam pick up lines to share with friends.

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