Jam Jokes

What are some Jam jokes?

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."

moles

Mama mole, papa mole, and baby mole all lived in a hole. One day, mama mole stuck her head out and sniffed the air.

"That's weird, I smell grape jelly."

Papa mole squeezes up beside her, sniffs around, and says, "That's funny, because i smell strawberry jam."

Baby mole wanted to sniff the air too, but was stuck behind mama and papa mole, so he said "That's strange, all I smell is molasses!"

What do you call a traffic jam in Compton?

A blood clot

A man stucks in a traffic jam in US

He sees a foreign man is coming towards him. Foreign man comes and says:

– Terrorists captured Trump, we are collecting donations. If $10.000.000 hasn't given in 1 hour, they will burn him with gasoline.

– How much people donate usually?

– Around 5 gallons.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all the politicians , and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations".

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks...

The man replies, "Roughly 2 litres."

Why did the man smear peanut butter on the road?

To go with the traffic jam.

ISIS takes Congress hostage

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire."

"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

What do cars eat on their toast?

Traffic Jam.

Grandma's Facebook

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, D.C.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls it down and asks, What's going on?

Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100m ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations.

How much is everyone giving, on average? asks the driver.

The man replies, Roughly a gallon."

[NSFW] A husband was in the mood...

And he says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for a 69er!."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

He says, "Answer the door."

She says, "Look at me! I'm a mess! I can't answer the door! YOU answer it!!."

He says "Look at my face! I can't answer the door!"

She sneaks a peek out the window and says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

A driver was stuck in Washington D.C. in the worst traffic jam he had ever seen...

Cars were stretched out for miles ahead of him. As he was sitting there, a young fellow approached his car and knocked on the window. "What's the holdup?", the driver asked. "Well," answered the young fellow, "It seems that a terrorist group is holding the entire U.S. Congress hostage up ahead a few miles. They claim they're going to douse the whole bunch of them with gasoline and start them on fire unless they get $50 million. I'm just going car to car to try and get some donations." "I'd love to help." said the driver. "How much is everyone else giving?" "About a gallon each."

I love the sound of traffic.

It's my jam

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help."

Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?"

Officer: "On average, about two gallons."

A woman found herself in a traffic jam...

on the freeway in Washington DC. Traffic was locked up for over an hour when she saw some men walking towards her car carrying buckets. She leaned out of her window and asked them what was going on up ahead. The men explained that terrorists had taken over the capitol and they were holding Congress for ransom.

One man said, "The terrorists said if they don't get $50 million they're going to cover everyone in Congress in gasoline and set them on fire. So we're taking up a collection."

"How much is everyone donating?" the woman asked.

"About a gallon or two."

Why did the ants wait until the bear's favourite song came on before stealing his jelly?

Because nobody would understand what was going on when he yelled "YO! THAT'S MY JAM!"

A man is stuck in a traffic jam

A man is struck in a traffic jam

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.Β 

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"Β 

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire politicians, and they are asking for a 1 million crore rupees ransom.Β 

Otherwise, they are gong to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.Β 

We are going from car to car, and collection donations.Β 

How much is everyone giving, an on average? the driver asks....Β 

The man replied, "Roughly 2 liters"

*Edit 1 : I apologise for any grammatical errors. English is not my 1st language.

*Edit 2 : Wow! Thanks for the upvotes guys! I really appreciate it. Also this is my most upvoted post ever.

A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

A bus carrying a jazz band has broke down on the highway

Witnesses are reporting a massive jam

What does one strawberry say to the other?

"Well, if you hadn't been so fresh last night, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam!"

An Australian man was having coffee...

and toast with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped the gum in his mouth and said, 'Do you Australian folk eat the whole bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "yeah, of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."

The American had a smirk on his face, the Australian listened in silence. The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Australian replied "yes."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell it to Australia.

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "yeah, of course we do." The Australian leant closer to him and asked, "what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away of course" replied the American.
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to The United States.

Another Trump joke

An american was driving his car until he ended up in a traffic jam.

After a long time of waiting and standing with his car, without moving any further, a policeman appeared and knocked on his window.

"Good day Sir, some terrorists kidnapped the President and will soak him in gasoline and burn him, if the government won't pay them 10 million dollar. We are currently asking the citizens, if they are willing to donate something."

The man took his wallet, looked insinde and asked the policeman:

"Just tell me: how much did the other drivers give?"

"About 20 to 50"

"Dollar?"

"No. Gallons"

Why was the strawberry sad?

His mom was in a jam!

What do you call a group of cars playing instruments?

A Traffic Jam

A Drunk

A drunk is in a bar, lying on the floor and looking the worse for wear. Other bar patrons decide to be good samaritans and to take him home.
They pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times. Mission accomplished, they prop him against the door jam and ring the doorbell.
"Here's your husband!" they exclaim proudly.
"Where's his wheelchair?" asks the puzzled wife....

When pearl jam comes on and you're like...

It doesn't get Eddie Vedder than this

Why were the ants dancing on top of the jar of jam?

It said "twist to open"

I recently learned how to store jam properly.

I must say, it was a rather jarring event.

Truck full of fruit crashes on highway...

Creates jam.

Lebron James is going to be in Space Jam 2

It's going to be really weird when Lebron quits the Tune Squad and joins up with the Monstars midway through the movie

What did the one strawberry say to the other?

If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!

I don't like peanut butter...

it just isn't my jam.

To the person who found a pot of marmalade at a Foo Fighters concert last year

That's my jam

A joke my 4 year old nephew made up. (It makes no sense, but still made me laugh.)

If the three legged turtle crosses the road what color is the rabbit?
Green! Because Space Jam was a good movie.

A guitarist met a bassist and they had a jam...

After a while, the bassist stopped and said:

"That is very good and all, but why won't you play A?"

The guitarist replied "because 440 Hz"

Have you heard of the peanut butter song?

It's my jam.

What did the strawberry say to the other strawberry?

It's your fault we're in this jam

Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Because their mum and dad was in a jam.

Why did the printer start playing music?

There was a paper jam

Why did the strawberry cross the road?

Because his buddy was in a jam.

Spreading stuff on toast?

That's my jam.

You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!

What Do You Call it When Printers Have a Party?

A paper jam

Did you hear about the truck full of blueberries that crashed on the highway?

It caused a traffic jam.

Why was the young strawberry crying?

His parents were in a jam.

Why was the young strawberry upset?

Cause his mom was in a jam. :(

Why was the strawberry sad?

Because her mother was in a jam.

Why was the little strawberry crying?

Because his mom was in a jam.

How does Bob Marley like his biscuits?

Wit jam in?

On my first day working for TSA we searched a neat, sandwich shaped suitcase.

It was jam packed.

Printer jam

Why couldn't the incontinent person print?

They couldn't Ctrl-P

An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning....

...(coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside.. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'

Englishman: 'Of Course.'

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England .'

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

Englishman: 'We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'

I don't like jam

but my marmite

Note : Girlfriend was determined this was a good joke, I thought it was trash. You decide.

What do you call a retarded jelly?

A slow jam.

What do astrounauts put in their toasts?

Space jam.

[NSFW] What's the difference between jam and jelly?

Jam has less sugar and contains both the juice and flesh of the fruit, whereas Jelly contains only the juice and a gelatain agent for firming.

A Response To The Stupid "What's The Difference Between Jam And Jelly Joke" Reposted Every Second Day

Your mama must have fed you jelly, 'cause jam don't shake like that.

Why did the strawberry cross the road?

There was a traffic jam.

What's the difference between squash and zucchini?

You can't zucchini bugs!

A family-friendly take on the age old "jam VS jelly" joke.

What's the worst jelly to put on your sandwich?

Traffic Jam

**My daughter read me this from her Gogurt wrapper. My answer was Toe Jam.

I was visiting a jam factory the other day,

They asked me if I had heard of any of the new techniques being used to grow berries. I told them that I wasn't up to date on my currant events.

Why was the little strawberry sad?

Her mommy was in a jam.

Ants Dancing

Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?

A: The lid said, "Twist to open."

Peanut butter was driving his toast when suddenly...

..there was a jam

What's an oyster's favorite band?

Pearl Jam.

Why was Mr. Strawberry sad?

He was in a Jam.

I like my enemies like I like my jam.

On the end of a knife.

"I'd like to have a toast" said the father-in-law at his daughters wedding

"Add some jam on it," he continued

Why couldn't the grape help his friend move on Saturday?

because he was in a jam

What's the difference between Jam and Jelly?

Jam is made from crushed, pureed fruit and Jelly is made from fruit juice that gels when cooked.

What'd you think I was gonna say? Get your head out of the gutter.

Did anyone know what happened to that passion fruit truck crash yesterday?

It caused traffic jam.

Your Mother and I are like peanut butter and jelly

She spreads and I jam

Give a man some jam and he can enjoy a nice piece of toast

Teach a man to jam and his Phish cover band will ruin your wedding

What kind of donuts did Bob Marley prefer?

The ones with Jam in

I was her bread, she was my jam

One day she left me saying "you deserve butter".

What does Michael Jordan like to put on his toast for breakfast?

Space Jam

What's on a toast that got run over by a car?

Traffic Jam

What does a astronaut put in a sandwich?

Space Jam

I made a jam bands playlist on Spotify

It's 16 hours long and only has 5 songs on it

How do you call a bunch of strawberries playing the guitar?

A jam session.

Did you guys hear the newest song from the band Stewed Fruit?

It's my jam.

I think I might be gender fluid because today I felt like a woman.

I couldn't get the lid off a jar of jam.

My grandma has ingrained this silly joke since I was young: What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?

If you weren't so fresh last night, we wouldn't be in this jam!

What do you get when 2 giraffes collide?

A giraffic jam

What do you call it when 4 giraffes collide?

A giraffic jam!

What did the female strawberry say to the male strawberry

If you hadn't of gotten so fresh we wouldn't be in this jam...

What's the difference between a Swedish jam band and slam dunking a baby?

One's a Swedish Phish and the other's a fetus swish

Why was the little strawberry sad?

He found out his parents were in a jam

What do you get when two giraffes collide?

A giraffic jam!

I was the bread she was my jam but....

She said that I deserve butter.

Apparently my printer is really into music...

He seems to love the Paper jam.

How to make Jam jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Jam to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Jam? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Jam pick up lines to share with friends.

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