Jail Jokes
165 jail jokes and hilarious jail puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about jail that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Jailed for a joke? Discover the world of "jail jokes", where perspectives on incarceration are explored through laughter. Learn about the realities of life for prisoners, the wrongfully incarcerated, and those in "marriage jail", all with a humorous take. Read up on the history of Facebook jail, and explore the universal relevance of the jokes we make about being locked away.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Jail Short Jokes
Short jail jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jail humour may include short prison jokes also.
- Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn't valid anymore. There's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
- Andrew Tate says his romanian jail is infested with lice. "Can you imagine sharing a cell with vile parasites?" Say the lice.
- I'm Black. So I can't be racist. But these suckers keep telling me that I am. "Jake, you can't call yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist"
- Have a turkish joke A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"
- Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape? Because they had no bars on their cells!
- A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?" "For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
(credit to "Fact and Fun" on youtube) - You can tell monopoly's an old game... ...because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail
- You can tell Monopoly is an old game... ...because there's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
- If you ever get thrown into jail Introduce yourself as the mitochondria...
You're the powerhouse of the cell. - My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building. Turns out they were firefighters.
Share These Jail Jokes With Friends
Jail One Liners
Which jail one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jail? I can suggest the ones about inmate and behind bars.
- what does 18 + 15 equal? Jail time
- Why is the white guy the scariest person in jail? You know he's guilty.
- If your debits and credits don't equal, then your assets in jail.
- Hey girl is your dad in jail... ...Because if I was your dad, I would be
- Wanna play Trump's new Monopoly game? Every place you land says *Go Directly to Jail*.
- Why did the ghost go to jail? He got arrested for possession.
- A guy was thrown into the jail for refusing to take a nap He was resisting a rest
- Why was the Energizer bunny thrown in jail? Because he was charged with battery.
- Why did the accordion teacher go to jail? He got caught in a squeeze play.
- Why did the accordion player go to jail? He was caught playing polka in a no-polka zone.
- What do you call a midget psychic that broke out of jail? A small medium at large
- And the Oscar goes to... Jail.
- Jesus can walk on water, Babies are 89% Water, I can walk on babies, I am... In jail.
- Why did the insomniac get thrown into jail? He was resisting a rest.
- If a man who stutters goes to jail, Does he end up with a longer sentence?
Jail Cell Jokes
Here is a list of funny jail cell jokes and even better jail cell puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If im ever sent to jail, im going to rename myself Mitochondria This is to let them know I am the powerhouse of the cell
- What famous actor is like a jail cell full of white guys? Niggaless Cage
(My girlfriend came up with this today. We're not racist I swear. This just cracked me up.) - If I go to jail I'm changing my name to mitochondria That way I can become the powerhouse of the cell
- If I ever go to jail I want my nickname to be Mitochondria. Because I'm the powerhouse of this cell!
- Why couldn't the plant escape the jail? Because his cell had walls.
- How bacteria stay in contact while they're in jail? They exchange cell numbers.
- What happens when a phone goes to jail? It becomes a cell phone!
(Courtesy my 6 year old) - Why didn't the mitochondria worry about being beat up in jail? Because he was the powerhouse of the cell.
- Age is just a number And a jail cell is just a room
- So a black man walks into a bar... Hes blind and in a jail cell
Jail Sentence Jokes
Here is a list of funny jail sentence jokes and even better jail sentence puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail. But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
- I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail But apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
- Judge: For your crimes against our citizenry, I hearby sentence you to a decade in prison. Man: That's a long sentence. Can you reduce it?
Judge: Ok. You go to jail 10 years. - My twin brother called me from jail He started with, So you know how we finish each other's sentences?
- My buddy who had a stutter died in jail He couldn't finish his sentence
- People that cut others off while talking should go to jail. But only serve half their sentence.
- Why did the husband go to jail for a crime his wife committed? Because they finish each other's sentences
- Did you hear about the pencil that got an injury in jail? It broke mid-sentence.
- My twin brother and I used to finish each other's sentences ... but now he's in jail.
- My incarcerated cousin who has a stutter just died in jail He didn't even get to finish his sentence
Escape From Jail Jokes
Here is a list of funny escape from jail jokes and even better escape from jail puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I saw a dwarf escaping from jail down the side of a wall As he passed by, he sneered at me, and I thought, "That's a little condescending."
- A psychic dwarf escaped from jail The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
- What did the headlines read after the midget fortune-teller escaped from jail? Small medium at large.
- Jailbreak! Diminutive psychic Chris Tolbol escaped from jail earlier today.
Police describe him as a small medium at large. - What do you call a four foot tall mind-reader who escaped from jail? A small medium at large.
- Did you hear about the petite psychic who escaped jail? There is a small medium at large
- Did you hear about the clairvoyant midget that escaped from jail? He's a small medium at large.
- I saw a midget escaping from jail the other day He was looking down on me as he climbed down a rope.
I though to myself, that's a little con descending - What did the headlines say about the midget psychic who escaped from jail? SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE
- Did you hear about the psychic midget that escaped from jail? Police are looking for a small medium at large.
Monopoly Jail Jokes
Here is a list of funny monopoly jail jokes and even better monopoly jail puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My Brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food or drink. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and started throwing things.
We never played Monopoly again. - Do you know how you can tell Monopoly's an old game? ...it has a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
- Monopoly is amazing but it has some pretty old stuff that one can't relate to anymore I mean there is free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
- The game monopoly is fin, but has some major out of date stuff. There's free parking, a luxury tax, you can actually afford to pay rent, and rich people can actually go to jail.
- My wife was in jail, so I decided to go for the conjugal visit, which caused her parents to start freaking out... Best game of Monopoly ever!
- When I went to jail, i walked up to the biggest guy and punched him as hard as I could. That's the last time my dad played monopoly with me.
- Why am I in the jail for no reason? Because I'm in the Monopoly Board Game! And I landed in Go To Jail to jail me for no reason!
- Been in Jail for 5 minutes and I've already been r**... twice... I really need to stop playing monopoly with my uncle.
- I almost got r**... in jail ... My family takes monopoly way too seriously.
- I've been in jail for only 10 minutes and I have already been r**... and beaten 3 times... This is definitely the last time I play monopoly with my dad
Facebook Jail Jokes
Here is a list of funny facebook jail jokes and even better facebook jail puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Facebook is like jail You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know
- Why is Twitter more lenient than Facebook jail? Because they give out shorter sentences
- What's the difference between a jail and Facebook? Basically none.
You sit, waste your time and write on the wall.
Heartwarming Jail Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about jail you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bail jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make jail pranks.
Penalty for Lying
Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman is up to 20 years in jail,
...but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is two more years in office.
There's an old Italian man
There's an old Italian man, and every year, he and his son plant a tomato garden together. This particular year, however, the son is in jail, and so the old man writes him a letter.
"My son, it is regrettable that you can't be here to plant the tomato garden with me this year. The soil is too hard for me to dig myself. I look forward to the day you come home so we can continue this tradition together."
The son writes back, "Father, don't dig up the tomato garden, that's where the bodies are buried."
That night around 2 AM, the police show up at the old man's house with a warrant to search the ground for bodies. After several hours of digging around, they find nothing, apologize to the man, and go on their way.
The next day, the man receives another letter from his son, "Father, given the circumstances, this was the best I could do. You should be able to plant the tomatoes now."
If we all end up going to jail for downloading music......
I at least hope they separate us by music genre.
A prison guard asked three prisoners how they got in jail...
The first prisoner replies, "I was blowing bubbles in the park."
The second replies "I was also blowing bubbles in the park."
When the guard gets to the third prisoner he says "let me guess, you were blowing bubbles in the park."
Then the third prisoner replies "no, im bubbles."
Out on the Town
A man is standing n**... on a street corner.
A cop walks up and tells him "Sir you can't be doing that here unless you have a good excuse, I am going to take you to jail."
Yes Sir I have a good excuse. I was at my girlfriend's apartment... we started drinking... next thing you know she jumps up and says... "Lets get n**... and go to town. "
I guess I beat her here.
What Does Your Father Do?
It is the first day of kindegarten and the teacher is going around the room asking everyone what their father does for work.
1st Child: My dad is a policeman, he sends bad guys to jail!
2nd Child: My dad is a fireman, he puts out fires!
3rd Child: My dad is dead.
The teacher asks:
Well, what did your father do before he died?
3rd Child: Well, he went "AAAAKKKKKKKKK"
I went to go see a psychic the other day..
I asked her if I'd ever be going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.
An alcoholic wakes up in jail
He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"
the officer replies "for drinking"
The man replies "great, when do we start?"
I ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together...
It was very confusing.
Why did the guitarist go to jail?
For f**... a minor
Why did the physicist at the Hadron Collider get thrown in jail?
Because he was a mass m**...
A man always smoked two cigarettes at a time
When people asked him why, he answered: i'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother in jail.
One day he was smoking only one, so people gladly asked "is your brother out of jail?"
He answered: "no, I quit"
A Frenchman, a Jew and a p**...
A Frenchman, a Jew and a p**... are each sentenced to thirty years in prison. Each man is given one request that will be honored by the jail warden.
A woman, asks the Frenchman.
A telephone, says the Jew.
A cigarette, says the p**....
Thirty years later the Frenchman walks out with the woman and ten kids.
The Jew strolls out carrying a ten thousand dollar commission he has made during the time.
The p**... walks out and says, Has anyone got a match?
Where's your bin?
A man sees that his neigjhbnour doesn't have his wheeled trash bin.
"Hey bub, where's ya bin`"
"I took a little vacation for a few weeks,"
"No. I meant where's your bin?"
"Told ya, vacation, at the beach!"
"No man. Where's ya wheely bin?"
"Ok, fine! I've wheely been to jail! Happy now?"
Why did the adobe acrobat document go to jail?
Because it was a pdf file.
A recent study showed that 93% of the people in Detroit have had shower s**...
The other 7% have not been to jail.
What happens when you shoot a black man?
You go to jail for impersonating a police officer...
Whenever I hear my neighbors having s**......
I think to myself, "I should get a girlfriend when I get out of jail."
A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today
"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having s**... in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."
I'm playing Monopoly with Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton...
Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax
Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave
However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave
A drunk is thrown in jail for public intoxication ...
... The next day he's brought into court and the judge says, "My good man, you've been brought here for drinking." He says, "Alright, judge, let's get started."
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for almost 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.
Why did the guitarist get thrown in jail?
He was caught f**... A Minor.
Why did the pianist go to jail?
Because he tapped *A Minor*
As a 12 year old, online dating is a tough thing
Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
During the Vietnam war, if you reported one communist...
You would win one thousand dollars.
If you reported 2 communists, you would win 2 thousands dollars.
If you reported 3 communists, you would go to jail because you knew too many communists.
A man goes to jail.
A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal
"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked
"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"
Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing
The man begins "1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall..."
Sodium Chloride and Sulphuric Acid were in jail
Turns out they were in for assault and battery
I have recently become a new man
I don't drink, i smoke very rarely, i don't stare at girls, i go to sleep early, i wake up early and I work hard everyday. My supervisors are happy with me. I will definitely abandon this lifestyle once i get out of jail.
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.
After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.
The 2 other spies asked him How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy! The Italian replied: I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.
I've been to jail five times and got r**... twice
I'm starting to dislike playing Monopoly with my dad.
A prisoner spends years digging a tunnel out of jail ...
He comes up inside a preschool yard. He starts jumping up and down and screaming "I'm free!! I'm free!!"
A little kid tugs on his pants. The prisoner looks down and the kid says nonchalantly: "So what? I'm four."
Most men like to be woken up with s**...
except the ones in jail
My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his f**... on the wall.
I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.
Did you hear about the guy who got 10 years in jail for using imaginary numbers?
He was an accountant.
Farmer and Son
A farmer wrote a letter to his son in jail for robbing a bank
This year, I can't plant potatoes because you are not here to plow the field."
The son wrote back, Papa, don't dare plow the field That is where I hid the money I stole.
The police intercepted the letter and by the next day they'd dug up the entire field but found nothing. The son wrote to his father, Now you can plant your potatoes.
Age is just a number...
And jail is just a place.
My friend is in jail for something he didn't do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
Why did Donald Trump invite Kim Kardashian to talk about prison reform?
Because she's had more black dudes in her than a jail.
My brother took going to jail really badly.
He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own f**.... After that, we never played Monopoly again.
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00."
A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00.
Once I got annoyed with my Nokia and threw it at the wall
Now I'm in jail for murdering my neighbour
A traffic cop in a small town stopped a motorist for speeding.
"but Officer," said the driver, "I can explain-"
Save your excuses," said the cop. "You can cool your heels in jail till the chief gets back."
"But Officer..."
"Quiet!" snapped the cop. "You're going to jail the chief will deal with you when he gets back."
A few hours later the officer looks in at the prisoner. "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. It means he'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the prisoner. "I'm the groom."
Today I gave a homeless person a warm new home..
I gave him counterfeit money to buy food which got him arrested.
Now he's got a warm jail and free meals twice a day.
Ellen jail joke
Ellen DeGeneres coronavirus jail joke - Today, I am filming this in my living room because all the other rooms in my house are filled with toilet paper !
One thing that I've learned from being in quarantine is that people this is like being in jail, is what it is !
It's mostly because I've been wearing the same clothes for 10 days and everyone in here is gay.
There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together
They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?
He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.
After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?
He said: no, I stopped smoking.
My friend sadly went to jail for something he didn't do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off of his gun.
When I got my license I didn't have money for a car, so I robbed a bank. Anyway, as I was being dragged off to jail my mother wanted to know why I did it. So I told her the truth:
"I did it for the car, ma!"
If being s**... was a crime
Then I'd still be in jail for 34 counts of tax evasion
Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.
His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.
Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.
His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.
Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.
If being s**... was a crime
I'd be in jail for tax fraud
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day and went to jail!
A cop asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over.
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
My wife died.
After she died, I couldn't even look at another woman for almost 20 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.
