Jail Jokes
160 jail jokes and hilarious jail puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about jail that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Jailed for a joke? Discover the world of "jail jokes", where perspectives on incarceration are explored through laughter. Learn about the realities of life for prisoners, the wrongfully incarcerated, and those in "marriage jail", all with a humorous take. Read up on the history of Facebook jail, and explore the universal relevance of the jokes we make about being locked away.
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Funniest Jail Short Jokes
Short jail jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jail humour may include short prison jokes also.
- Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn't valid anymore. There's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
- Have a turkish joke A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"
- Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape? Because they had no bars on their cells!
- You can tell monopoly's an old game... ...because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail
- My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building. Turns out they were firefighters.
- An alcoholic wakes up in jail He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"
the officer replies "for drinking"
The man replies "great, when do we start?" - Sodium Chloride and Sulphuric Acid were in jail Turns out they were in for assault and battery
- I went to see a psychic the other day. I asked her if I was going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her. Bet she didn't see that coming.
- I ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together... It was very confusing.
- As a 12 year old, online dating is a tough thing Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
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Jail One Liners
Which jail one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jail? I can suggest the ones about inmate and behind bars.
- what does 18 + 15 equal? Jail time
- If your debits and credits don't equal, then your assets in jail.
- Hey girl is your dad in jail... ...Because if I was your dad, I would be
- Wanna play Trump's new Monopoly game? Every place you land says *Go Directly to Jail*.
- Why did the ghost go to jail? He got arrested for possession.
- A guy was thrown into the jail for refusing to take a nap He was resisting a rest
- Why was the Energizer bunny thrown in jail? Because he was charged with battery.
- Why did the accordion teacher go to jail? He got caught in a squeeze play.
- Why did the accordion player go to jail? He was caught playing polka in a no-polka zone.
- And the Oscar goes to... Jail.
- Jesus can walk on water, Babies are 89% Water, I can walk on babies, I am... In jail.
- Why did the insomniac get thrown into jail? He was resisting a rest.
- If a man who stutters goes to jail, Does he end up with a longer sentence?
- Why did the pianist go to jail? Because he tapped *A Minor*
- Why did Mona Lisa go to jail? She was framed.
Jail Cell Jokes
Here is a list of funny jail cell jokes and even better jail cell puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why couldn't the plant escape the jail? Because his cell had walls.
- How bacteria stay in contact while they're in jail? They exchange cell numbers.
- What happens when a phone goes to jail? It becomes a cell phone!
(Courtesy my 6 year old) - Why didn't the mitochondria worry about being beat up in jail? Because he was the powerhouse of the cell.
- So a black man walks into a bar... Hes blind and in a jail cell
- A phone gets thrown into a jail cell His cell mate looks at him and asks "what are you being charged with?"
The phone looks smugly at his cell mate and replies "Battery" - Why did the biologist lock himself in jail with an engineer, a physicist and a medical doctor? Because he wanted to work with STEM Cells
- My friend called me from jail He was using a cell phone
- What type of phones do they use in jail? Cell phones. Duh!
- R. Kelly went from being trapped in a closet to being trapped in a courtroom. Can't wait for the sequel, trapped in a jail cell.
Jail Sentence Jokes
Here is a list of funny jail sentence jokes and even better jail sentence puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Judge: For your crimes against our citizenry, I hearby sentence you to a decade in prison. Man: That's a long sentence. Can you reduce it?
Judge: Ok. You go to jail 10 years. - My twin brother called me from jail He started with, So you know how we finish each other's sentences?
- Why did the husband go to jail for a crime his wife committed? Because they finish each other's sentences
- Did you hear about the pencil that got an injury in jail? It broke mid-sentence.
- My twin brother and I used to finish each other's sentences ... but now he's in jail.
- My incarcerated cousin who has a stutter just died in jail He didn't even get to finish his sentence
- Why do female prisoners never stay in jail for longer than 3 weeks? Periods always mark the end of a sentence.
- Why did the grammar teacher go to jail for so long? He had a run-on sentence.
- What do periods and jail time have in common? They both come after sentences.
- Did you hear about the English teacher that went to jail? She got a full sentence.
Escape From Jail Jokes
Here is a list of funny escape from jail jokes and even better escape from jail puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Jailbreak! Diminutive psychic Chris Tolbol escaped from jail earlier today.
Police describe him as a small medium at large. - I saw a midget escaping from jail the other day He was looking down on me as he climbed down a rope.
I though to myself, that's a little con descending - What did the policeman say when the Arabic man escaped from jail? GOTTA CATCH JAMAL
- Did you hear about the tunnel the escaped prisoners dug under the jail? It was a runaway success.
- How do you escape from a jail cell? Seriously, I need to know
- Why can't Pocohontas kill a deer or escape from jail? Because she doesn't have a narrow head!
My dad just made this one up at supper. - Why did the goat stop trying to break out of jail? Because he was just tired of being an escape goat.
- Chuck Norris had never escape from jail.
Jail escapes from Chuck Norris. - 50 cent just escaped from jail... They just call him loose change now.
- A psychic Midget escaped from jail yesterday. The papers read: "Small Medium at Large"
Monopoly Jail Jokes
Here is a list of funny monopoly jail jokes and even better monopoly jail puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My Brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food or drink. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and started throwing things.
We never played Monopoly again. - My wife was in jail, so I decided to go for the conjugal visit, which caused her parents to start freaking out... Best game of Monopoly ever!
- When I went to jail, i walked up to the biggest guy and punched him as hard as I could. That's the last time my dad played monopoly with me.
- Why am I in the jail for no reason? Because I'm in the Monopoly Board Game! And I landed in Go To Jail to jail me for no reason!
Facebook Jail Jokes
Here is a list of funny facebook jail jokes and even better facebook jail puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Facebook is like jail You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know
- Why is Twitter more lenient than Facebook jail? Because they give out shorter sentences
- What's the difference between a jail and Facebook? Basically none.
You sit, waste your time and write on the wall.
Heartwarming Jail Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about jail you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bail jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make jail pranks.
I just took a DNA test, turns out, I'm 100%
going to jail for shoplifting.
Penalty for Lying
Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman is up to 20 years in jail,
...but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is two more years in office.
Pizza Joke
If you slice up a large pizza, that's no big deal.
But if you slice up a medium, you can get jail time.
And she should have seen it coming.
Did you hear about the suspect who was released from jail after he touched grounded metal and received a static shock?
He was cleared of all charges.
There's an old Italian man
There's an old Italian man, and every year, he and his son plant a tomato garden together. This particular year, however, the son is in jail, and so the old man writes him a letter.
"My son, it is regrettable that you can't be here to plant the tomato garden with me this year. The soil is too hard for me to dig myself. I look forward to the day you come home so we can continue this tradition together."
The son writes back, "Father, don't dig up the tomato garden, that's where the bodies are buried."
That night around 2 AM, the police show up at the old man's house with a warrant to search the ground for bodies. After several hours of digging around, they find nothing, apologize to the man, and go on their way.
The next day, the man receives another letter from his son, "Father, given the circumstances, this was the best I could do. You should be able to plant the tomatoes now."
Where do magical animals go to jail?
Azkabarn
If we all end up going to jail for downloading music......
I at least hope they separate us by music genre.
A prison guard asked three prisoners how they got in jail...
The first prisoner replies, "I was blowing bubbles in the park."
The second replies "I was also blowing bubbles in the park."
When the guard gets to the third prisoner he says "let me guess, you were blowing bubbles in the park."
Then the third prisoner replies "no, im bubbles."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Out on the Town
A man is standing n**... on a street corner.
A cop walks up and tells him "Sir you can't be doing that here unless you have a good excuse, I am going to take you to jail."
Yes Sir I have a good excuse. I was at my girlfriend's apartment... we started drinking... next thing you know she jumps up and says... "Lets get n**... and go to town. "
I guess I beat her here.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a dwarf escaping from jail down the side of a wall
As he passed by, he sneered at me, and I thought, "That's a little condescending."
What Does Your Father Do?
It is the first day of kindegarten and the teacher is going around the room asking everyone what their father does for work.
1st Child: My dad is a policeman, he sends bad guys to jail!
2nd Child: My dad is a fireman, he puts out fires!
3rd Child: My dad is dead.
The teacher asks:
Well, what did your father do before he died?
3rd Child: Well, he went "AAAAKKKKKKKKK"
My friend spent 4 years in jail for something he didn't do
Run.
A pair of twins have a deal...
They constantly get in trouble with the law for various reasons and are frequently thrown in jail. They don't like staying in jail for too long, so they made a deal: if only one of the twins is arrested and imprisoned, the other twin will sneak in and swap places with them when they have spent half the time served in prison.
It's great to see these twins are so close that they're always finish each other's sentences.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the physicist at the Hadron Collider get thrown in jail?
Because he was a mass m**...
Why was the baby put in jail?
For resisting a rest.
^^^^I'll ^^^^take ^^^^my ^^^^coat
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Frenchman, a Jew and a p**...
A Frenchman, a Jew and a p**... are each sentenced to thirty years in prison. Each man is given one request that will be honored by the jail warden.
A woman, asks the Frenchman.
A telephone, says the Jew.
A cigarette, says the p**....
Thirty years later the Frenchman walks out with the woman and ten kids.
The Jew strolls out carrying a ten thousand dollar commission he has made during the time.
The p**... walks out and says, Has anyone got a match?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I almost got r**... in jail ...
My family takes monopoly way too seriously.
Where's your bin?
A man sees that his neigjhbnour doesn't have his wheeled trash bin.
"Hey bub, where's ya bin`"
"I took a little vacation for a few weeks,"
"No. I meant where's your bin?"
"Told ya, vacation, at the beach!"
"No man. Where's ya wheely bin?"
"Ok, fine! I've wheely been to jail! Happy now?"
Why did the adobe acrobat document go to jail?
Because it was a pdf file.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A recent study showed that 93% of the people in Detroit have had shower s**...
The other 7% have not been to jail.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whenever I hear my neighbors having s**......
I think to myself, "I should get a girlfriend when I get out of jail."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today
"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having s**... in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."
I'm playing Monopoly with Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton...
Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax
Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave
However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave
A drunk is thrown in jail for public intoxication ...
... The next day he's brought into court and the judge says, "My good man, you've been brought here for drinking." He says, "Alright, judge, let's get started."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'll never forget the Christmas Eve my father went to jail.
It didn't take long before he got violent, abusive, screaming and thrashing around, smearing f**... on the walls...
I'll never play Monopoly with him again.
As a 10-year-old, I find online dating real tough.
Every person I meet ends up in jail!
During the Vietnam war, if you reported one communist...
You would win one thousand dollars.
If you reported 2 communists, you would win 2 thousands dollars.
If you reported 3 communists, you would go to jail because you knew too many communists.
Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny
Judge: What?
Lawyer: He's in a cent
Judge: You're going to jail with him
^^^^Totally ^^^^my ^^^^own ^^^^work ^^^^and ^^^^not ^^^^a ^^^^repost ^^^^by ^^^^any ^^^^mean
A man goes to jail.
A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal
"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked
"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"
Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing
The man begins "1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall..."
Why did the painting go to jail?
Because it was framed!
A tight end went to jail
He came back a wide receiver
I have recently become a new man
I don't drink, i smoke very rarely, i don't stare at girls, i go to sleep early, i wake up early and I work hard everyday. My supervisors are happy with me. I will definitely abandon this lifestyle once i get out of jail.
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.
After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.
The 2 other spies asked him How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy! The Italian replied: I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.
"Do Not only strike while the iron is hot, but make it hot by striking."-Oliver Cromwell
Tried this on my girlfriend, now I'm going to jail.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the guy whose license said he needed to wear glasses while driving?
He was pulled over by a cop one day and the cop tells him that he's going to jail for driving without his glasses.
"But officer I have contacts!"
"I don't care who you know buddy you're still going to jail!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Most men like to be woken up with s**...
except the ones in jail
Did you hear about the guy who got 10 years in jail for using imaginary numbers?
He was an accountant.
In the USSR we had this joke
But we were keeping it to ourselves so they confiscated it, and threw us in jail.
Age is just a number...
And jail is just a place.
Donate a liver, you get called a hero
Donate a whole bag of 'em, you get sent to jail
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Been in Jail for 5 minutes and I've already been r**... twice...
I really need to stop playing monopoly with my uncle.
I can't even picture my favorite actor going to jail now.
But if he does, he'll have to change his name to Morgan Man.
My friend is in jail for something he didn't do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
"Your money's no good here," said the bartender.
"And that 'Get Out of Jail Free' card probably won't work either."
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00."
A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00.
Once I got annoyed with my Nokia and threw it at the wall
Now I'm in jail for murdering my neighbour
My friend asked me to pet his baby goat. I had to decline.
I'm not going to jail for touching a kid.
A traffic cop in a small town stopped a motorist for speeding.
"but Officer," said the driver, "I can explain-"
Save your excuses," said the cop. "You can cool your heels in jail till the chief gets back."
"But Officer..."
"Quiet!" snapped the cop. "You're going to jail the chief will deal with you when he gets back."
A few hours later the officer looks in at the prisoner. "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. It means he'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the prisoner. "I'm the groom."
Give a dog a bone and you feed him for a day
Teach a dog to bone and you go to jail for animal cruelty
Today I gave a homeless person a warm new home..
I gave him counterfeit money to buy food which got him arrested.
Now he's got a warm jail and free meals twice a day.
Did you guys hear that Nicolas Cage robbed all the coins from a bank recently? Luckily he got caught and went to jail, plus all of the money got returned!
He's currently in a Nickleless Nicolas Cage Cage
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ellen jail joke
Ellen DeGeneres coronavirus jail joke - Today, I am filming this in my living room because all the other rooms in my house are filled with toilet paper !
One thing that I've learned from being in quarantine is that people this is like being in jail, is what it is !
It's mostly because I've been wearing the same clothes for 10 days and everyone in here is gay.
There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together
They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?
He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.
After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?
He said: no, I stopped smoking.
When I got my license I didn't have money for a car, so I robbed a bank. Anyway, as I was being dragged off to jail my mother wanted to know why I did it. So I told her the truth:
"I did it for the car, ma!"
Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.
His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.
Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.
His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.
Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If being s**... was a crime
I'd be in jail for tax fraud
My wife died.
After she died, I couldn't even look at another woman for almost 20 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke for Australians
The Garbo's doing his rounds and he gets his mate,the b**...'s place and the bin ain't out the front. So the Garbo knocks on the door. "G'Day, b**.... Long time no see. Where's ya bin?" Asks the Garbo. "I bin on holidays." Says the b**.... "Nah mate, where's ya bin?" Repeats the Garbo. "I just said," responds the b**..., "I bin on holidays." "No no. Where's ya wheelie bin?" Clarifies the Garbo. The b**... responds, "Well I wheelie bin in jail but I tell people I was on holidays."
