The Best 77 Jack Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Jack jokes. There are some jack jake jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these jack jack and jill went up the hill puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Jack Jokes and Puns

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye.

The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: Dear, breakfast is made. I've gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there's breakfast. Joe, he says to his son, what happened last night?

You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.

So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?

Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'

A bear walks in to a bar.

Bartender greets him and happily takes his order.

Bartender: What can I get you for?

Bear: Ill have a jack and......... coke.

Bartender: Why the big pause?

Bear: (looks at paws) I've had them all my life.

2 Guys in a Bar

2 guys in a bar.

John: "I have sex with my wife once a month"

Jack: "We do it twice a week"

John: "But Jack, you're not even married!"

Jack: "Oh, I thought we were talking about your wife"

Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation...

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "Well, you'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

jokes about jack

Don't forget capital letters...

In the world of high-tech gadgetry, more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."


Blondes and Blind Cowboy

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

* The bouncer is a blonde girl.

* I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.

* The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

* The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head
and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

Gimme a triple shot of Jack

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say?"
The man says, "I told him, BAD DOG!! BAD DOG!!"

Jack joke, Gimme a triple shot of Jack

What's the difference between Jack Daniels and John Wayne?

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

Layoffs

The boss has to lay off one person from his department and he's narrowed the choice down to Ann or Jack. First he invites Ann in.
The boss says "I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off"
"You better jack off, I've got a headache"

A man calls his wife late at night.

He says, "I'm sorry honey, but i'm going to be staying with Jack tonight."

She says, "Its ok, honey. I'll see you in the morning, love you."
"I love you, too dear. Have a good night."

The wife quietly hangs up the phone and turns to the man in her bed, "Its ok, my husband is with you tonight."

-Redd Foxx

Jimmy don't jack off, you'll go blind.

Little Jimmy's dad walks into his son's room and says, "Jimmy don't jack off, you'll go blind."

Little Jimmy: "Dad I'm over here, in the living room..."

You can explore jack gerry reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean jack mickey dad jokes. There are also jack puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


If you and jack were horseback riding

Would you help jack off the horse?

My Wife won't like it

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"

"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.

"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive... I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!"

Two old friends meet in bar...

[translated from Turkish]

-Hey Jack! How have you been! It's been months!

-Bonjour Monsieur ! Indeed, it's been a while

-"Bonjour Monsieur"? What's this French?

-Mais biensur !

-Don't screw with me Jack. I know you don't know French. We both went to the same school and we never had any French lessons!!

-No, no! I'm learning via the radio. 99.3 FM. Every day at 10AM you have French lessons. Very easy, I suggest you try.

-Oh, ok, cool I'll give a try tomorrow.

Next morning he calls Jack:
-Yo Jack, I have those old radios with a needle for tuning. Does it work with those old radios too?

-Sure! Scroll to 99, then go a little further to the right.

-Oh cool! Thx!

-Mais de rien !

-oh! stfu already...

Couple of weeks later, he meets Jack again. And Jack asks:
-Salut mon ami, How is your French?

- Shhhszzzzoussssshzzziuhli! (static noise)

[probably not the best written joke :/]

Give man a jacket and he'll be warm when he goes outside.

Teach a man to jack it and he'll never go outside again.

The student and the teacher.

JACK: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not. "
JACK: "Good, because I haven't done my homework ...."

Jack joke, The student and the teacher.

Three women decide to compare their husbands to soft drinks.

Three women are out to brunch, and they're talking about who has the best husband. One of them decides they should compare their respective husbands to soft drinks (sodas).

First woman: "My husband is like 7UP, because he's 7 inches and he's always up."

Second woman: "Well my husband is like Mountain Dew, because when he's mountin' me, he knows what to do."

Third woman: "Well my husband is like Jack Daniels."

First woman: "That's not a soft drink!"

Third woman: "I know, but he's a hard licker."

Give a man a jacket

Give a man a jacket and he can leave the house during Winter.

Teach a man to jack it and he'll never leave the house.

Discrimination

Three first-graders are flunking their class. The teacher calls them in and tells them: "I will ask you one question each, if you can answer it, you pass."

"Jim, how do you spell 'Cow'?"

"Jack, how do you spell 'Car'?"

"Muhammad, how do you spell 'Racial discrimination'?"


Why did Darth Maul jack off into a piece of fruit?

Because the sith always comes in pears

Two high dudes meet...

"What's your name?"
"Jack without a V."
"There's no V in Jack."
"That's what I just said."

Why did Rose not buy the iPhone 7

Cause it didn't have a Jack

Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night

To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.

Dark humor is like...

...a headphone jack. Not everybody gets it.

What did the Apple Phone designer do when he got home?

Jack off

What do the iPhone 7 and the Titanic have in common?

There's no room for jack, on both of them

Jack joke, What do the iPhone 7 and the Titanic have in common?

Jack Daniels couldn't be here today,

But he's here in spirit.

Jack and Jill work together in an office...

Things are getting very slow and the manager realizes he has to let one of them go but he can't decide. The manager approaches Jill and says "I have to lay you or Jack off".

"Jack off!" snaps Jill "I have a headache".

I'm on a plane and I see my friend Jack.

Instinctively I say, "Hi Jack!"

Still don't understand why I was detained.


I really wish I knew who kicked the jack under the car which I was working on..

.. the suspension is killing me.

What does an iPhone 7 and The Titanic have in common?

The end has no Jack.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate the headphone jack.

I asked my friend who the antagonist of Borderlands is.

Me: "If you tell me, i'll give you some alcohol for free"

Friend: "Alright then, hand some jack"

Our family surname is Daniels

So rather hilariously we named our first child Jack.

She hates it.


The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…

Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.

Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.

"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Jill replies, "You'll have to jack off then, 'cause I've got a headache."

My friend said he liked the ending of his book so much, he'd jack off to it.

I just don't know how he came to that conclusion.

The bro code

Jill didn't come home one night. When she got home the next morning, she said she'd slept over at a girl friend's house.

Jack called ten of her best friends, but none of them said she had been there.

A week later, Jack doesn't come home. The next day, he says he spent the night at a buddy's house after getting too drunk.

Jill called his ten best friends. 8 said he'd been there the night before, while 2 said he was still there.

I got kicked off a plane today.

All I did was greet my friend Jack whom I haven't seen in years.

What do you get when you divide 355 jack o'lanterns by 113 jack o'lanterns?

Pumpkin Pi.

Dear people who don't write capital letters,

We're the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

What's a alcoholic

Jack asks his father "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" The dad says "You see those 4 trees over there, if you see eight it means your an alcoholic." the son replies with "But dad I only see two"

Louis CK helped me change a flat tire.

All I had to do was watch him jack it.

Give a man a jacket, and he'll be warm for all winter

Teach a man to jack it, and he won't need to go outside!

I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

What did they call the man who gave a handjob to an electrician, a plumber, a welder, and a construction worker?

A Jack Off All Trades

Did you hear of the guy who could literally master any craft, provided he masturbated before learning it?

He was jack off all trades.

Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says I'm outside 28 Eucalyptus Road .

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There's shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. Jack? says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting.

Sorry about that says Jack. I just dragged him 'round to 1 Oak Street

The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."

Jack goes to his friend Mike

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"

I got taken off a plane in handcuffs today.

All I did was greet my friend Jack.

The teacher asked little Timmy if he could count numbers yet.

He replied "yes, my father taught me."

"Great," said the teacher. "What comes after three?"

"Four," Timmy replied.

"Well Done," the teacher said. "What comes after six?"

"Seven," Timmy replied.

"Finally, what comes after ten?" the teacher asked.

"Jack."

Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now?

It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said You know you wanna . Jill said yes, pulled up her dress and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.

Use contraceptives kids.

I went to a liquor store yesterday on my bicycle.

I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. I tied it to my bicycle carrier.

I was about to leave. Then I realised that if I fell off the bike on the way home, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the JD before I rode back.

Finally it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

An indian lady visited a bar for the first time

She was nervous but sat on one tall stool in front of the bartender.

The guy sitting on her left said: "Jack Daniels, Single"

The guy on her right side ordered: "Johnny Walker, Single"

Then the bartender looked at the lady & said: And you..?

The lady replied: "Parmjeet kaur, Married.

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

The wife says **"You are."**

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that snake, with two more frogs...

My Aunt Jill was an English teacher who taught me so many important lessons like....

Always use very precise language or you could be misunderstood.

I remember it vividly because we were at their farm and I was helping my uncle Jack off a horse as she was telling me that.

Teacher came to Jack's desk

-You had the same answers in your test as Stan. So you must have cheated.

-How do you know that Stan didn't look at my answers? Jack defended himself.

-Stan had written "I don't know" and you had written "I don't know either"...

Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.

Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you or Jack off. Without batting an eye she responded "you better jack off, I have a terrible headache."

How are Donald Trump and a jack o' lantern alike?

They're both orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be thrown out the first week of November.

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.

Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen...

"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."

"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."

What do Paul the Apostle and Jack the Ripper have in common?

They have the same middle name.

A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll ya have?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.

So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.

His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.

"Yuck! It tastes awful, worse than awful!" she splutters. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go!" cries the husband. "And you think I am out enjoying myself every night!"

My wife went to the cinema with her friends

My wife went to the cinema with her friends last night and left me in charge of our two year old son.
She called me when she got there and said, "Is Jack ok?"
"He's absolutely fine," I replied, "He's in the bath at the moment, you've got nothing to worry about."
"Is he playing with his little yellow duck?" she asked.
I said, "I don't know, I can't see him from the pub."

Numbers

The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three?" "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says the little boy.

I tried taking my dog Jack out to use the bathroom the other night, but it was so dark

I couldn't see Jack shit

One day, Jack's lightbulb wasn't working

He called the electrician immediately and hoped he could fix it. The electrician tried his best, but could not make it glow.

After a while, the electrician said, "There is one last thing we can try". Desperate, Jack agreed to follow his instructions. The electrician then invited 10 people into Jack's apartment, and instructed them all to put their hands on the lightbulb.

Suddenly, the lightbulb started working! Jack was stunned, and asked the electrician, "How did you do that?!"

The electrician smiled and said, "Many hands make light work."

What do Dora The Explorer and Jack The Ripper have incommon

Same middle name

Caller: Jack Smith will not be in school today.

Teacher: Is he sick? Who is this speaking please?

Caller: This is my father speaking.

Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.

Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.

Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.

Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.

(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee and when Death fell asleep, Jack erased his name and placed it at the end of the list)

Death: Woah! My friend, I slept well. You're a good person Jack, you treated me very well. Because of that, I'll just start with the last one on the list.

A lad named Jack confronts his alcoholic father

You stupid old man, our last name is Inoff you did this on purpose!

His father replies Nah I named you after Jack Daniels. But that's pretty damn funny too!

A guy named Jack ....

has a appointment at a sperm back at 9.00 am , he turns up at 9.30 am and the receptionist says "eh Jack ya late "

A guy walks into a bar..

..and orders a Jack Daniels with coke. The bartender asks if Pepsi is okay. "Whatever, sure" says the guy. So, the bartender mixes a Pepsi with coke for him.

Jack and Jim are on sentry duty during the first World War, when Jim says, "You know how we're on a bonus of a dollar for every German we capture?"

"Yes," says Jack. "Well don't tell anyone," says Jim, "but there's $5000 worth coming over that hill."

Jim: "I gave the postman a big shock today - I went to the door without any clothes on."

Jack: "Surely he has seen stuff like that before."

Jim: "Yes, but what really surprised him was that I knew where he lived."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the jack papa jack puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working jack jack and jill piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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