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Ive Jokes

89 ive jokes and hilarious ive puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ive that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Ive Short Jokes

Short ive jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ive humour may include short prob jokes also.

  1. When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.
  2. Ive been looking all day for a good carpentry pun. Unfortunately, nothing I saw wood work.
  3. My doctor told me to cut down on my sodium intake. Ive been taking his advice with a grain of salt.
  4. Ive just spent 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I really shouldn't have put it on in the first place.
  5. Balloons For Sale! They're 10c each or if you want them filled its 20c
    Ive adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
  6. Being a 6'3 comedian... a lot of my jokes revolve around short people. However, after receiving multiple complaints, ive decided to stop making short jokes now.
    I'm above that.
  7. Ive got the world's best homing pigeon How do I know he's the best? I've sold him 87 times this week.
  8. ill give you $80 to believe a lie, but if you dont believe it you have to pay me $20. ok, guy agrees. Ive already paid you as $100 and am waiting for my change.
  9. I told my suitcases that we wouldn't be going anywhere this year due to the coronavirus. Ive been having to put up with a lot of emotional baggage.
  10. Apparently calling people terrorists if offensive now. Ive been told the correct term is government contractors.

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Ive One Liners

Which ive one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ive? I can suggest the ones about shes and dishonest.

  1. Ive just been molested by a group of mime artists... They did unspeakable things to me.
  2. Ive tried lockpicking once i still dont know wich one to choose
  3. Ive spent years searching for my ex-girlfriends killer... But nobody will do it!
  4. Ive spent the last two years looking for my girlfriends killer. Nobody will do it.
  5. Ive never been gaslighted Or so ive been told
  6. i think ive gone insane. i cut off my nose. nothing makes scents anymore.
  7. My friends have ignored me ever since ive gotten circumcised. They cut me off.
  8. To the person stealing my shoes while I`ve been in the inflatable castle Grow up!
  9. Apparently Ive got a bad habit of correcting myself at the wrong moments I think *
  10. Quitting smoking is the easiest thing ever Ive done it a thousand times
  11. I have no problems with relationships Because Ive never had one.
  12. Im writing a stage show based on the movie Twister Ive gotten as far as the first draft
  13. this orthopedist walks into the room and says to me... "Ive got a bone to pick with you"
  14. Ive been happily married for 10 years.. 10 out of 30 isnt too bad!
  15. Ten years ive been looking for a play on words to impress my friends.. No pun in ten did.

Ive Won Jokes

Here is a list of funny ive won jokes and even better ive won puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The manager of my local Walmart brought me to court today He won by a long shot, I'm not that great at basketball, but Ive challenged him to a rematch in Smash wish me luck!

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about ive can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of ive puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Hilarious Ive Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends

What funny jokes about ive you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean metaphor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make ive prank.

Recently got a second job as a bartender at a s**....

Ive never worked so hard before in my life.

I dont know why its called kidnapping,

Ive never got one of those little b**... to fall asleep

Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.

He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.

A man visits the doctor

and then he meets a friend.
Friend: Whatsup, where you been?
Man: Ive visited the doctor
Friend: What did he say?
Man: 200 Dollars
Friend: Yeah, but what do you have
Man: I have 50 dollars
Friend: I Mean whats the problem?
Man: 150 dollars
I m not sure if it makes any sense in English, but i tried

a man was being interviewed for his dream job

"What is this 8 year gap in your resume?" The interviewer asked
"Oh that? That was when i went to Yale" He explained
"You went to Yale!? Youre hired!"
"Thank you so much! Ive always dreamed of having this Yob!"

Try this on someone

say to them "Ive got a great knock knock joke for you but you have to start"
most likely their response will be "Okay, knock knock"
you then say "Who's there?"
They will usually be terribly confused and a hilarious awkward silence ensues

Two blondes are walking down the street...

...one of them is carrying a large bag.
The first blonde says " whatcha got in the bag?"
The second blonde says " chickens, I've got chickens in my bag. Tell you what, if you guess
how many ive got, I'll give you both of them"
The first blonde thinks for a second and says ..."three!"

A woman walks into a police station and says "Help, Ive bee r**... by a consultant"

The policeman on duty says "Consultant? thats pretty specific. Do you know him?"
The woman replies "No I dont know him"
The policeman asks "Then how do you know he's a consultant?"
The woman answers "Because he kept his jacket on and made me do all the work"

Ive heard the local f**... was due to retire..

But hes decided to stick it out for another year

I assembled an IKEA keyboard

it's amain h**... many spare parts they ive you

I got my shoes from the drug dealer recently...

I dont know what he laced them with but ive been tripping all day.

Ive noticed that black people love boomboxes

Im not racist or anything, its just their stereotype

A man gets home for work and runs to the couch

Yells to his wife "HONEY QUICK GET ME A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS"
Frantically she runs to the kitchen grabs a beer runs it over to him. He c**... it.
"QUICK BRING ANOTHER ONE!"
Confused she runs and gets another one brings it to him.
He c**... it.
"ONE MORE TIME BEFORE IT STARTS!"
She says "YOU GET HOME FROM WORK HOP ON THE COUCH AND START BARKING ORDERS WHILE ALL DAY IVE BEEN...
"Nevermind it started"

Ive been playing uno with my kids for 50 years now.

I finally dropped my reverse card and now they have to change my diapers.

A guy approaches a girl at a bar:

"How heavy is a polar bear?" The guy says
"oh ive heard this one, heavy enough to break the ice" the girl smugly answers
"Thats s**..., it lives on ice you m**.... A fully grown polar bear is about 450 kilograms.

Two Nuns ride back to the convent.

They were riding bicycles and one nun says to the other
"I know a short cut, follow me"
The other one says
"Ive never come this way before"
The first nun looks at her and smiles
"Oh yeah girl, that's the cobblestone. "

My daughter did a dad joke. So proud!

Scene: living room, xmas tree finally taken down from its home in front of the living room window
Mom: " it's bright in here with the tree down."
Daughter: gets up and stands in front of the window.
Me (dad): looks at her. "What are you doing?"
Daughter: "well, ive always been told that I make a better door than a window..."

So Gillette just came out with a new Ad campaign calling out men for toxic masculinity.

I can honestly say this is the first time Ive ever seen a razor blade company cut their own wrists.

TIFU by getting k**... with a variety of citrus fruits...

Ive just tested positive for lemonaids.

Ive always wanted to teach myself how to procrastinate.

Just never got around to learning it.

The first thing to do when you buy a parrot...

Teach it to say...
'HELP IVE BEEN TURNED INTO A PARROT!!!'

two nuns at the vatican...

so these two nuns are riding a bicycle built for two on their daily trip around the vatican... so one day, sister mary decides to take a different route... sister katherine says "why, ive never come this way" to which sister mary relpies "it's the cobblestones"...

I always hate when I move to a new neighborhood because I'm forced to meet all my new neighbors and I'm terrible with first impressions. Ive never had anyone talk to me again after the first time.

All I ever say is, "Hi. My name is Eric Smith and I'm a registered child m**...."

Theres Mama Bird, a Baby Bird, and a Brother Bird

One day baby bird comes up to mama bird and asks, "mama, how come my beak is different than brother bird?" Mama bird, caught off gaurd for a second, lets out a sigh and says, "baby bird. Ive been waiting for the right time to tell you this, but I guess this is as good a time any. Baby Bird the truth is...you're adapted."

Ive seen this place, filled with hills and green grass, people party and eat and just chill out. They live for hundreds of years in peace. Virtually no crime. sunshine most days, nice families, quaint neighbourhood...

anyone else notice there are no black hobbits in the shire?

one of the best documentarys

ive ever watched on netflix is about a chinese couple who didnt board the Malaysian flight 370 (one that disappeared) when they should have done. All sorts of conspiracy theories. worth a watch, highly recommended.
It's called 2 wongs dont make a flight

Last time i had s**... was just like the time a meteor wiped out the dinosaurs...

it happened so long ago ive forgotten the details.

After hearing how they treat gay people, Ive decided to boycott Chick-fil-a

On Sundays at least

When it comes to the family business, Ive got big shoes to fill.

My father isnt important or anything, we just run a clown business.

The Only Idea Flat-Earthers Fear

Is Sphere, Itself.
my favorite joke ive ever created... and the only one...

Ive been living in Baltimore for 2 years now and I don't know why people are so afraid of this city.

I've only been shot once!

c**... isnt addictive

I should know. Ive being doing it for years

Ive been s**... enough to develop amnesia...

I dont know what i was thinking .....
~~*ba dum tissss*~~

I've always wanted to get the word LAZY tattooed on my left hand

Ive just never gotten around to doing it.

Watch for kids

So a guy goes to this park with his son and stands next to a sign that says watch for kids. A few minutes later a guy comes up to him and says ive got the watch and the guy says ive got the kid and then the kid never sees his father again.

Ive travelled the globe trying to convince people the earth is flat

No one understands the gravity of my message

Does anyone know how long it takes until Axe Body Spray starts getting you laid?

Ive been drinking this stuff for weeks now...

People have been so nice lately that Ive begun to give them a copy of The Hobbit every time.

You know, as a Tolkien of my appreciation.

what does one rock use to propose to another rock?

A bouldering.
(Sorry guys ive been indoor rock climbing lately)

I used to have a morbid fear of German sausage.....

Its been hard, Ive been through therapy but now I think I'm over the wurst.

Looked in the mirror and realized how ugly I am

First thing I did was call every person ive ever slept with to get tested. Not for STDs but they clearly need a psychiatric evaluation.

Ive been writing a book specifically for the blind.

My wife asked me how it was going and I said, " I think I brailed it."

s**... pun ive ever heard fml

What do you call a really old ant, an ANTique

Never ask google for medical advice..

Ive gone from a mild headache to clinically dead in 3 clicks.

What does the floor of my house and a girl with a partial n**... f**... have in common?

They both feel a lot wetter when Ive got socks on.

I want to become an artist. I already draw and paint daily. Its something ive always wanted to become.

But im alreay 25 so im going to do what bruce jenner did and wait 40 years till im nearly dead.

I hate this

I hate it when people tell me to think twice before doing something. What they dont know is that ive been thinking over a thousand times since i was born

What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?

A pizza doesnt scream when its put in the oven.
Old but gold, Ive been sitting on that for awhile and I see we're doing Jew jokes now.

There are two types of women.

Ones ive r**.... And black chicks.

Im not racist.

Ive r**... black, hispanic, Asian, and Pakistani woman.

Have you tried the communist weight loss program?

Ive lost tons of weight on this five-year plan!

Doctor: Your night grinding isnt good

Me: Excuse me! But ive never had a man complain before!!!

jokes about ive

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these ive jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.