Ivan Jokes
33 ivan jokes and hilarious ivan puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ivan that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Ivan Short Jokes
Short ivan jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ivan humour may include short glorious jokes also.
- Russia is reportedly seizing Apple's assets in Russia with the intent to make a new vehicle. They plan to call it the iVan.
- Knock knock! Who's there?
Ivan!
Ivan who?
I'van trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty. - There's a pair of twins, Ivan and Oliver Peterson. They both became doctors. Not medical doctors, but doctors in meteorology.
They study the rain. You know,
Dr.I.P.
Dr.O.P. - Do you like my Russian leader puns? Ivan practicing.
And if you need to borrow money I'll Lenin to you. - Russia has identified the first Russian to be diagnosed with coronavirus. Ivan Chestikoff.
- What do Winnie the Pooh and Ivan the Terrible have in common? The same middle name.
(Shamelessly stolen from Cortana.) - Ivan Drago didn't seem to care too much when he found out Apollo Creed uses just for men... He simply responded with "If he dyes, he dyes."
- Soviet Joke Petja sees Ivan Vasilievich sitting on a rail track. Being tired and wanting to sit he walks up to Ivan and says: Ivan Vasilievich, move over.
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Ivan One Liners
Which ivan one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ivan? I can suggest the ones about bodyguard and gulag.
- Who was the nicest Russian leader? >!Ivan The Bearable!<
- I hear Apple have released a line of people movers They call it Ivan
- What did Ivan Drago say when he saw a clutter of leaves on the ground? I must rake you
- Why are all Russian rulers named Ivan? Idk, they just Tsar.
- Have you heard of Ivan Pavlov Have? He rings a bell.
- What is the fastest way to polish a car? Ask Hanz and Ivan to saw it in half.
Humorous Ivan Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about ivan you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean soviet jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ivan pranks.
Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...
A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."
"Good morning." She replies.
"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.
"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.
"Excellent trade, Ma'am."
Ivan was out with his young daughter and ran into a friend he'd not seen in years.
"This is Beth." Ivan said, introducing his kid. "And what's Beth short for?" his friend asked.
* Because she's only three."*
Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20-story building.
During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.
First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."
Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."
Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.
Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window.
Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"
Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"
Regular Russia, not the Soviet one
Ivan and Igor are standing at a bus stop in Russia. It is freezing cold and raining hard. A limo drives by and splashes icy water all over them. Ivan says to Igor, This is a terrible place to live, I want to go to America. Igor responses, Why do think America would be any better. Ivan stares at Igor in disbelief, Do you know what would happen in America? If a limo drove by and splashed you, the rich man would pull over, apologize, help you into the car, take you to his home, make you nice drink, feed you dinner, let you sleep in his warm bed, and then, the next morning, he would drop you off where ever you wanted to go. Igor says, Really? This happened to you?! Ivan, No, my wife.
Two Russians, Vlad and Ivan, decided to have a race.
Both long distance runners, they decided the end would be a large rock a few miles past the Russia-Finland border.
Vlad was ahead for most of the race, but he faltered soon after the border and was passed by Ivan, who won.
"I told you I would win!" said Ivan.
"You may have won," replied Vlad, "but I beat you to the Finnish line."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ivan from Russia went to an anti-war protest in St. Petersburg carrying a sign that said: Putin is insane!
So, the courts sentenced him 22 years in prison. 2 years for treason, 20 years for giving away an official state secret.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Boris and Ivan are walking down the street in Leningrad
Boris: It is beautiful day in Soviet Russia! I am happy to live in glorious motherland!
Ivan: Nyet. *We* are happy to live in glorious motherland.
Boris: Blyat. My bad.
Ivan: Our bad.
Vacations
Russian military tank crosses the border into Finland and a Russian soldier steps out.
"Good morning," says the Border police, "Name?"
"Ivan Ivanovich."
"Occupation?"
"No, just a vacation."
'What Will Communism Be Like?'- A Russian Joke
One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, "What will it be like once we have built communism?". The Party man replied, "The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking the streets of Moscow. He looked at the shops, and he felt in his pockets, and smiled. "Comrades", he said, "We have built communism at last!"
Joseph Stalin is walking through a small town when he came upon a little girl
Joseph Stalin was walking through a small town when he came upon a little girl sitting in the doorway of a house. He smiled at her and said "Little girl, do you know who I am?"
The little girl gives him a blank stare.
"You really don't know? I'm the one who gave you everything you have!"
The little girl's face lights up, and she runs into the house shouting "Mum! Mum! Uncle Ivan is home from America!"
Ivan and Piotr are drinking in a shack out in the woods...
They've been drinking for three days straight and have finally run completely out of booze.
Piotr turns to Ivan and says, "Vanya, go look in the shed out back, see if there's anything to drink there."
Ivan stumbles back with a bottle of methanol in his hand. "Well, we could drink this, but we'd go blind."
Piotr looks around the shack, stares out the window a moment, and says, "I think I've seen enough."
A Russian and a Jew were on the battlefield.
The jew, hurt badly, was in agony:
-Ivan, I'm in a lot of paint. Shoot me and end my suffering.
-I can't, Avraham, I'm out of bullets.
-I'll sell you a few, Ivan.
In a supermarket lvan lost sight of his wife.
In a supermarket Ivan lost sight of his wife. He comes up to a nice young lady and asks, "Will you talk with me for a couple of minutes, please?"
"Why should I?"
"It's always the same -- as soon as I get into talking with a pretty woman my wife abruptly pops up from out of nowhere.
Communist Russia wins the space race
Teacher: Ivan, tell us, who was the first country to land people on the Moon?
Ivan: It was our mother Russia, Comrade!
Teacher: Very good, Ivan! And what did the first Russian cosmonauts find on the Moon?
Ivan: The American flag, Comrade!
A Russian family always ate very bland food. However, one day they invited their Mexican neighbor over for dinner. When little Ivan asked his Babushka while their food tasted so much more flavorful, she replied:
Jesus is the reason for the season.
Ivanka recently got a nose job.
When she asked her fathers opinion he said Fake Nose!
